Last night before going to bed I took the fifth ativan (have 5 left), I wrote in bed for a little while after then closed the light and layed down, I again (only felt an ativan work once) did not feel it working but I fell asleep quickly and slept for hours then after waking up for a few minutes fell asleep again for at least another hour. I stayed in bed for probably more than one hour before getting up because I was so comfortable and when I did get up I was relaxed, happy and I even had serenity. Sadly it all quickly went away thanks to both of my parents. These minutes of serenity were awesome and peaceful!
And I am happy to say that last night I spent many hours doubting the decision I made Wednesday and then to try and change that but I fought myself and did not gave in to my negativity! That decision was a small one (3 things really but they go together and they all lead to bigger things) but it is an important one.