First when I woke up (for the last time...woke up a few times when in bed and did not sleep much) I just knew it would be a day like day.
All I have basically that is keeping me alive are the Dallas Stars. They have made the playoffs after five years of not making it and I cannot even fully enjoy it and no it has nothing to do with them being down 1-2. In the second period of the first game the next few days on TSN were announced and this is when it all started. They put a game two hours and thirty minutes before the second and third match. For the second match the game before was over but still the stress of this was there since this stupid decision was announced and for the third game tonight the game before was not over so I spent close to an half hour trying to find my game on the internet and this gave me a panic attack where I hit myself (in the head & in the righ thigh) then the game before ended right before mine but they went to an overtime so I caught the start on television and before I had to go back to the computer I saw that on the internet there was a delay so I went there with the delay and when a team scored they replayed that goal over and over and I missed at least a minute until these idiots went to Dallas (it was still in commercials on the internet). It took Benny scoring the first goal to calm me. I almost had another panic attack the seconds I missed (sure nothing like a goal or fight happened then but still THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
I don't get it! Why can't I have at least this? I am not a monster. I am not a criminal. Why can't I have at least one thing that gives me joy and have it without any trouble? Is wanting to see every seconds of every games of an Hockey team too much to ask? Should I just become a criminal or a racist to have that (they seem to have wonderful carefree life or at least they get respect!!!!!!)? I really do not get it!
I have said many times the last two years that I do not know why I exist at all and also said many times that I wanted to be dead but seriously today it was the first time I really meant it. If it weren't for the Stars I would of been dead or close to it not too long after Shumi's horrible accident and I cannot even enjoy them anymore (i really did calmed down after the first goal and got into the game and was happy but still it was not like it would of been without all that drama)!
And to top it off lately not only I am having insomnia (had 1 good night of sleep last month...thats it) I am having these terrible nightmares that are leaving me terrified, in one I was even marked and then had an old lady coming right for me.
My parents are having a good time since they see me doing worst and worst, they are really enjoying every seconds of it and they were probably smilling from ear to ear when they were hearing me scream my lungs out downtairs.