Today started with stress and bad luck, the stress went away but the bad luck stayed. That made me afraid because I had something to do (the thing i did wrong and with lots of stress and anger a while ago...i wanted to do it a few days ago but the day i had set i was too stressed so i decided on this week instead...i almost did not do it today but i pumped myself up and did it) but it turned out well for me, luckily this little step taken will help me to take more steps, right now I am very happy with myself!
Today I had a bad moment with my mom that was driving me crazy but besides that, the bad luck and me not being able to see most of my match on television (EVEN missing some of it when the place i was watching it on the internet decided to cut away...i missed many minutes while trying to find another place.....at least this time the image was not frozen like during the first match) it was an okay day.
Last night before going to bed I took the fifth ativan (have 5 left), I wrote in bed for a little while after then closed the light and layed down, I again (only felt an ativan work once) did not feel it working but I fell asleep quickly and slept for hours then after waking up for a few minutes fell asleep again for at least another hour. I stayed in bed for probably more than one hour before getting up because I was so comfortable and when I did get up I was relaxed, happy and I even had serenity. Sadly it all quickly went away thanks to both of my parents. These minutes of serenity were awesome and peaceful!
And I am happy to say that last night I spent many hours doubting the decision I made Wednesday and then to try and change that but I fought myself and did not gave in to my negativity! That decision was a small one (3 things really but they go together and they all lead to bigger things) but it is an important one.