Tell you what, I am almost embarrassed when I read what I wrote. I was angry and frustrated and hurt that my feelings were being ignored. Once I got out my rant and had calmed down, I focused on all the things I should be thankful for and realized that life wasn't that bad.
Yes, I'm still jealous that he gets more time off than I do, but I am trying so hard to focus on the fact that I should be a good mother to my kids. They do not need me to be resentful and angry. They need me to be happy to be there with them, so I try harder.
I'll give you an idea on the reason I had to reflect...my son asked me one day if I loved him and then asked me if I was mad at him. He looked so sad that I felt horrible for wanting to leave him. It's not his fault. It's mine for choosing their father. One day they will see every little thing I have done for them and they will see what he hasn't done unless he changes it. I told him this and he made some improvements.
I started forcing time for myself. I called friends and family to take over for me every once in a while. I made a list for myself on how I could improve my life, without him in my list. If he was going to help me, great, but if not, then I'll do it myself.
I know it's hard, but you will get past this. I think every mother has felt this at one time or another (including my own mother who told me later), and it is important for mothers to support eachother for when this happens. Remember that you love and adore your children and they love and adore you. Look at their baby pictures, play with their hair, sing a song to yourself, or dance crazy to weird music until you find that it can be fun to be a mom. Relax, breathe, and remember that we've all felt that way at some time.
