logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 15 1 2 3 14 15
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
I have heard & actually witnessed this occurence. Since the amount of blended families are on the rise in today's society, I think this is happening more & more.
What do you guys think about "stepsiblings" in a relationship? When do you think it's appropriate? When do you think it's inapproriate?
I have my thoughts & views on this, but I would like to hear all of yours first...

Last edited by Carennedy; 05/11/06 02:22 PM.
Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,189
If they are brought up living together as brother and sister, then I would definitely say "inappropriate".

However, if the parents are older adults, and the step-siblings are themselves adults, and have never lived together - then I suppose the waters get a little murkier.

Because having never been raised as siblings, these people are brought together more as friends, so I really don't see a moral problem with it - although it might make for some strange family reunion stories. <img src="/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by Carennedy; 06/11/06 11:52 PM.

Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
If - and only IF - there is absolutely no blood tie whatsoever, then there's nothing to stop it...they've been brought together by circumstance, not a common parent....

The only things offended are our social 'niceties'... In other cultures, for example,there is still a great deal of inter-family coupling, and this is considered the norm... We cannot impose a 'right' or 'wrong' judgement on that, but by virtue of the fact (as you rightly point out) the instance of blended and combined families is on the increase, maybe we need to re-evaluate what is socially acceptable and what is not....what makes us blanch today, will be absolutely run-of-the-mill tomorrow... Like inter-racial marriages, or women getting the vote...Unthinkable a century ago.....

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 8,850
BellaOnline Editor
Stone Age Human
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Stone Age Human
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 8,850
I grew up in a family related by marriage.

My father's sister was married to the younger brother of my maternal great aunt's husband.

What this meant growing up is on holidays both my mother's and father's side of the family were always together, and today I have close ties with my many cousins on both sides.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
God put rules in place for a number of reasons. First for genetics, Second for Health, Third for happy stress free life, and lastly to keep harmony in the family.

His law that you should not have sexual relations with a CLOSE relatives keeps the genetics strong and the family together. No one's trust is betrayed and there is still respect for ones parents and other family members.

That was a long time before blended families so does it apply to today. Yes, genetics are still the same. Blending families is hard enough without the kids engaging in sex. It shouldn't be OK for one to abuse the other or to take advantage of the other if one is older.

There are exceptions though. If the parents marry when both their kids are mature adults living on there own there are no genetic issues. There are no keeping the family harmony issues because they do not live under the same roof. As long as they are going to commit to each other keeping one another happy and healthy and it never effects the parent's marriage, the spirit of his law stays intact.

For the most part, it is a good idea for step siblings to NOT get sexually involved. The issues it would bring up in the long run could effect other members of the family and cause to much stress and problems within the family dynamic. The siblings relationship could bring stress to there parents relationship to the point that both marriages could be in danger of dissolving.

God's plan was for marriage to be a union of mutual caring, love and respect. Being human and selfish humanity has abused marriage and thrown it away. Keeping a family together is hard enough and the responsibility of all members.

Last edited by Carennedy; 05/07/06 05:31 PM.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
If they were raised together since childhood as siblings, it's highly unlikely that a relationship like that would happen. But like I said before, not every stepfamily situation is like the Brady Bunch, so it should be looked at on a situational basis.
Regardless of past circumstances, if they are adults & can either move out of the parents house & get their own place either separately or together, then it really shouldn't be an issue at all. It's so difficult to find that special someone these days, that I don't think it's anybody else's business or right to interfere in the relationship especially if & when they have emancipated themselves from underneath their parent's roof.
I've seen my friend go through this with his girlfriend. They met through the fact that her mom married his dad. She was 20 & he 25 at the time.
Certain family members & even some friends gave them a hard time which eventually caused them to split almost a year ago. They perceived it as the same as an actual blood-related incestuous relationship, which imposed false feelings of shame, guilt & insecurities.
Now he's become miserable, less outgoing, & compares every girl he tries to date to her. She's now dating & acting out with a lot other guys who it's clear that the connections aren't as geniune as they were with him.
When 2 people repress their true feelings because of other people's insecurities & then because of that repression they begin to act self-destructive...well then it becomes obvious that those 2 people were good for each other & were meant to be together.
I'm more of a spiritual person than religious, but God may have brought their parents together for more than one reason. They are NOT blood-related & are consenting adults...we should live & let live & love.

Last edited by forcegx7; 05/04/06 10:35 AM.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 77
P
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
P
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 77
I would agree that if there is no blood, and that they didn't grow up their entire lives together, then it is ok.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Sounds like they need a friend that will step in and support their decision to get together. Are their parents against it?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
His Dad isn't against it, but the girl's mom is acting weird about it mostly because her parents, brothers & sisters are giving her a hard time about it. The mother's sisters & grandparents are causing all kinds of drama. They seem to be acting overdramatically, thinking & referring to the whole relationship as sick & incestuous. It doesn't make any sense because it clearly is not.
She just moved out & found an apartment so I think there's a chance they may get back together. I don't know, my friend has had a tough time with this & I seem to be one of few people that he's been able to talk to about it.
A lot of people seem to just automatically categorize this relationship as something sick & incestuous, which I am completely amazed by that ignorance. I don't get it.
No one seems to think it's a problem when the situation arises where the parents meet & start dating through their kids because their kid are dating. I hear that happens more often than one would think. There's really no difference.

Last edited by forcegx7; 05/05/06 01:49 PM.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
I don't know all the details or reasons that the extended family is having issues. I don't know all the details regarding your friends or his father's relationship. As the institution of marriage disinigrates and more and more families blend seperate and blend elsewhere, there will be more and more questions like yours. Can the question of where the line be drawn ever be clear?

In alot of ways when mature adults, choose a relationship it shouldn't matter what others think. However, when advice comes from a loving heart, it is important to consider it.

What is not socially acceptable today may be acceptable tomorrow. Consider mixed marriages, sixty years ago it was rare, today it's common.

Your friend needs to sit down with the parents and have an open discussion on how each of them feels about it. Both of them need to respect the parents concerns.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
That's great advice. Though it seems that the mother is react on emotions triggered by her parents & other family members that wrongly see it as the same as something incestuous. Her mother I guess is a bit of a drama queen according to him

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
He needs to remember that she is the woman that his dad married, she deserves his respect. Her feelings and concerns are valid, after all the girl your friend likes is only 20, which is very young, and until recently lived under his father's roof. They are still young, perhaps too young, and this relationship can wait, if it's right then it'll happen later, when they've matured, regardless of others views. I would suggest he take it real slow and be very cautious. He doesn't want to mess up his dad's marriage. Her mother's feelings are valid I personally would have issues if she were my daughter. I realize they were never raised under the same roof or as brother and sister but this relationship effects another marriage more so than any other relationship your friend could have choosen.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Can you tell me or describe in what ways this relationship effects his father's & her mother's marriage?

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son.

Say your friend and this girl break up in the future. Same senerio as above. Now though the parents can't have a family gathering because it feels too strained. People start blaming each other. The mother could go after the father with an I told you so attitude.

Parents are very protective of their children, they will feel drawn to their child's side. When both parents are together there is unity as they stand united against the outside person who hurt their child. However, in this case they cannot stand united and will be on seperate sides. Your friends relationship then becomes like a wedge splitting a tree.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Ok. I will have to debate you on this a little bit.

You stated, "Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son."

Well I feel that adults in a relationship shouldn't be running to their parents & getting them involved in any way, shape or form. Especially at their ages. Again, remember they are adults in their 20s. The parents relationship is theirs & their relationship is theirs as well.

You also stated, "Say your friend and this girl break up in the future. Same senerio as above. Now though the parents can't have a family gathering because it feels too strained. People start blaming each other. The mother could go after the father with an I told you so attitude."

Who said that they can't have family gatherings. It seems like you assume that when two people break up, they don't have the maturity to communicate & resolve all the issues & feelings so that they can coexist harmonisly as good friends at these gatherings & that the parents are living bicuriously through their kid's relationship.

Lastly, "Parents are very protective of their children, they will feel drawn to their child's side. When both parents are together there is unity as they stand united against the outside person who hurt their child. However, in this case they cannot stand united and will be on seperate sides. Your friends relationship then becomes like a wedge splitting a tree. "

I agree that parents are protective of their childern but we are talking about 2 adults in their 20s here & I would find it very creepy that the parents would be that emotionally involved like that.

I think there's some truth to your comments & these are definitely situations & circumstances that should be addressed at the beginning of such a relationship. That's why HINDSIGHT IS KEY! Parents really have no right or place to get that involved in their childern's relationship business & vice versa unless there is some obviously damaging physical or verbal abuse going on.

Based on your examples, it almost seems like you're assuming that all people are incapable of handling & resolving things like mature adults (parents included), that we all have no control over are emotions, & that people have the same mentality as the typical guest you see on Jerry Springer.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Many wives talk with their mothers to vent about how upset they are with their husbands. This is never a good idea for anyone for a number of reasons, but especially in your friends case. I know of people who have talked to their parents when their spouse hurt them, then after they've forgiven them and moved on their parents still harbour bad feelings and suspision. These are mature non jerry springer people.

Many couples who divorce cannot even stand to mention the others name, let alone be in the same room with them. These are normal people, many times with kids, who are hurt to the point of being unable to forgive the other person.

I'm not saying this is always the case. I'm just pointing out that it is a possiblity.

The point I am trying to make is that communication before they proceed is vital. They must listen to and respect their parents viewpoint. Boundries would have to be established before hand, ie not discussing relationship problems with parents.

What I put forth in my earlier post were extreme examples, but valid ones none the less. They even could go the other way where the parent is venting to the adult child and this causes friction in their marriage. Sometimes its the little things that add up until they explode.

Marriage is very hard, its not as easy as falling in love and being with the right person forever. It is a daily recommitment to each other, even when there is no love. Its forgiving the other person and getting over the hurts to move on. This is not always easy and the reason the divorce rates are so high.

I just want to mention that in some cases it is good to go to loved ones with your marital problems to get help if your being abused. No one should stay in that type of relationship for any reason.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
"Many wives talk with their mothers to vent about how upset they are with their husbands. This is never a good idea for anyone for a number of reasons, but especially in your friends case. I know of people who have talked to their parents when their spouse hurt them, then after they've forgiven them and moved on their parents still harbour bad feelings and suspision. These are mature non jerry springer people."

How is that MATURE?

" Many couples who divorce cannot even stand to mention the others name, let alone be in the same room with them. These are normal people, many times with kids, who are hurt to the point of being unable to forgive the other person. "

How is that NORMAL?

"The point I am trying to make is that communication before they proceed is vital. They must listen to and respect their parents viewpoint. Boundries would have to be established before hand, ie not discussing relationship problems with parents."

I agree with you although I feel this is more relevant if one or both the adult kids aren't emancipated from the parent's household. I also think communicating with each other about how they would deal with a possible breakup right when the relationship starts is very imparative as well.

"What I put forth in my earlier post were extreme examples, but valid ones none the less. They even could go the other way where the parent is venting to the adult child and this causes friction in their marriage. Sometimes its the little things that add up until they explode."

Example, if my mother is venting to me about her boyfriend, I will be an alley to her but give her sound advice always considering her side & his side as well. What she does with that advice & her relationship afterthat is her business. Now if I found out her boyfriend is insulting her &/or physically abusing her, I won't hesitate to protect her. The issue of abuse isn't relevant in my friend's situation with his ex-girlfriend.

"Marriage is very hard, its not as easy as falling in love and being with the right person forever. It is a daily recommitment to each other, even when there is no love. Its forgiving the other person and getting over the hurts to move on. This is not always easy and the reason the divorce rates are so high."

Agreed. Especially if there's no love. Just because it's the norm, it doesn't necessarily make it normal.

"I just want to mention that in some cases it is good to go to loved ones with your marital problems to get help if your being abused. No one should stay in that type of relationship for any reason."

Agree 100% when it comes to abusive relationships. Abuse is not apart of their relationship other than the verbal abuse that his girlfriend's mother & her family has given them for being in a perfectly loving & happy relationship. I feel that it's their insecurities & repressive attitudes are more damaging than anything else.
I think most people project their own fantasies, dreams & even prejudices on others because they are truly repressed & not happy with their own lives.

Carennedy, I'm not trying to give you a hard time or be a jerk. You have given some good viewpoints that they should consider. I don't sgree with them being as "valid" or as "normal" as you may feel, but they unfortunately do occur. Therefore, must be addressed.

Thanks

Last edited by forcegx7; 05/10/06 01:03 PM.
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3
N
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
N
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3
A friend of mine is in a relationship with her step brother and it has been going on for a while. They actually knew eachother before their parents even met. Their parents got married which upset her a lot. They wanted to get married themselves but were waiting until she got out of school. They are in their 20's now and her mother and step-father(boyfriend's father) have decided to have a baby. She still wants to continue the relationship. She is really a wreck and I don't know how to console her. What should I do or say to help her? If any one has any ideas please let me know.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
NHGIRL:

What are the reasons she's so upset? What has her so worried? Is there a reason why they cannot continue the relationship?

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822


Forcegx7 - Do you have any ex-boyfriends you'd rather not spend a dinner with? You don't have to answer. But think about your worst relationship now imagine having to go to a family dinner and see him there.

I'm not saying your friend's relationship will result in break up or being a big old broken heart. I'm just making a point about relationships.

Last edited by Carennedy; 05/10/06 11:54 PM.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Carennedy-
I understand what you're saying. Believe it or not, all my relationships have either ended because of circumstances beyond our control like moving to a different state or they have been resolved & left on good terms. I have even broken up with someone & had to see them on a regular basis after that because that someone started dating one my good friend. I was happy for them...they seem to be a better fit.
I can honestly say that there's no ill feelings with any past relationships. I think it's because I always insisted on courtship first for as long as it takes, in order to know what type of person I'm dealing with. It's a matter of really getting to know that person for who they are & how they deal with life issues before you take it to the next level. Because of this, I have been able to prevent that kind of drama...knock on wood & thank God for that.
And like my Grandfather always use to say, "Kill em' with kindness, but be sincere."
I think one of the main reasons that I achieve harmony in these situations is because of my spiritual background.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3
N
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
N
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3
She is upset because she feels like her mother and step father are destoying her and (I don't even know what to call him anymore) her step-brother/fiance's relationship and her mother having a baby with her step father would just top it off. She doesn't want to end her relationship and neither does he, but she is worried that her mother having a baby will complicate things. I keep telling her that her feelings are ok and that if she wants to continue the relationship not to let her parents ruin it. She told me the other day that she thinks he might have gotten her an egagement ring.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
nhgirl:

Your friend sounds like she feels betrayed. She needs to tell her mother how she feels, in a letter may be a good option. It sounds as though her boyfriend doesn't have the same issues she does. It's probably time for all four to sit down and have a good heart to heart in a loving and safe environment.

I can understand how she would be upset. Her mother has forced her to be a mother and an aunt to future children.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Nhgirl-

My personal opinion is that her mother has a right to pursue the relationship. As far as what to call your frien's boyfriend, how about by his name. Let's not get caught up in labels here. He shouldn't be thought of as her "stepbrother" simply for the reasons that they never grew up together &/or established that kind of bond.
If her mother has a child with his father, I would be happy for them. There's no reason why both of these relationships can't exist & prosper.

I do agree with Carennedy. They should all sit & communicate with each other their feelings, but also talk about how they can make it work.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 30
M
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
M
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 30
It is a very sticky situation, but everyone involved here are adults. I think the parents should stay out of it and let the children decide what they want to do

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
For the most part feelings are not something that we have full control over, they just happen.

Communicating and bringing up the topic can be hard for most people and the other person may become very defensive.

One thing would be to write a letter, sleep on it, then edit it. Try to keep the emotional stuff as low key as possible. Invite the other person to sit down with you to discuss the issue in a loving manner.

Don't let the other person degrade you or laugh at you or dismiss your feelings. Speak up if they do and let them know you will be ready to continue this conversation when they can lovingly acknowledge to your valid feelings.

In reality our feelings, as much as we want them to be logical, loving and mature, most of the time they are not. It is how we act in spite of these feelings that determines if our behaviour is logical, loving and mature.

If anyone has been through this situation, your experience and advice may be of benefit to these people.

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Quote:
For the most part feelings are not something that we have full control over, they just happen.


I would have to disagree partly, with this statement....
Feelings do happen, but the way in which we can have 'control' over them is to recognise that, legitimate as they may be, they are NOT who we are. They do not Define us, and are empty of any substance.... We have a right to experience them, but we should also permit them to arise, manifest express - and then, let them go.

Quote:
Communicating and bringing up the topic can be hard for most people and the other person may become very defensive.

One thing would be to write a letter, sleep on it, then edit it. Try to keep the emotional stuff as low key as possible. Invite the other person to sit down with you to discuss the issue in a loving manner.


Absolutely brilliant, and spot-on....
Your advice carries Wisdom, Compassion and Insight. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Quote:
Don't let the other person degrade you or laugh at you or dismiss your feelings. Speak up if they do and let them know you will be ready to continue this conversation when they can lovingly acknowledge to your valid feelings.


In reality, we have no control over what another person thinks says or does... We may agree or disagree with them, but we have no control directly, over what and why they do that....
The only safeguard we can bring into play, is to decide whether we will openly accept their opinion or View.... And in that, we therefore subsequently decide whether we will PERMIT their View/opinion to affect us.
What others manifest, is THEIR choice.
How we take it in, and our response, is OURS.
It is up to us whether we feel slighted, hurt, angry, upset, gladdened, happy or content, at their contribution....
How we take it on the chin, is our choice....
Change can only be engineered Within, not Without.

Quote:
In reality our feelings, as much as we want them to be logical, loving and mature, most of the time they are not. It is how we act in spite of these feelings that determines if our behaviour is logical, loving and mature.


Bingo, once again.... Good comment!

Quote:
If anyone has been through this situation, your experience and advice may be of benefit to these people.


Not I....But with what you have contributed, your comments can only be of great help....

Lovely post....

Thank you. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
I feel that this relationship falls into the following category: It's only an issue because people make it an issue.

It's just like having a relationship with someone you work with. There are different rules & concerns that must addressed like the risks & the potential consequences that may happen in a break up. These exist in any relationship in some degree or another. It's all about communication & compromise.
I also feel that repressing this relationship from progressing is more dangerous than the possible risks or consequences of a potential breakup of this type of relationship. Haven't we learned anything from Romeo & Juliet?

Last edited by forcegx7; 05/19/06 10:12 AM.
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Only -
"that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"




(Romeo& Juliet, AII Sc.ii)

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
I don't know the people or the relationship, I'm only able to play devil's advocate here.

Any step parents out there with an opinion on this issue?

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Have any of your friends moved on with these relationships and how are they doing?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
My friend really hasn't. He'll go out on dates & meet other woman, but in his mind they just never measure up to his dad's stepdaughter. She I guess has been going out on dates with a different guy here & there. It seems that she's developed a reputation of being permiscuous (spelling?). She's been acting out which I think is a direct result of repressing herself from my friend who she really has true feelings for.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
She obviously has issues. She sounds like she could use a friend more than a boyfriend. Someone who would protect her and help her. Since your friend loves her so much, he should step up and be a friend first and foremost.

You know the old saying, if you love something let it go if it comes back, then it's yours. Or something along those lines.

I was really hoping that someone who has been through this situation would post something to help you out.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Forcegx7 - do either of them have other siblings or are they both only children?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
He is the only child. She has a sister & 2 brothers who are younger.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
What do her siblings think of the whole thing?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Hmmm...good question! I'll have to ask him & get back to you.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Ok, I guess he doesn't really know them all that well & they don't know him. So as far as what they think of it, he doesn't think they even think about it. They are much younger, between the ages of 11 & 16 & busy doing their own teenage things. When he goes over to visit his dad, he gets along with them but not much more is said than hi & goodbye. It sounds like they just see him as the guy who comes over to visit his father.
So why were you asking?

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Well they are in the same boat as their sister when it comes to the step sibling thing. If they don't see him as a step brother then is he one?

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
I�ve read all of the posts about step-siblings in relationships and I actually joined bellaonline just to reply to the topic.

One year and six months ago, my step brother and I became romantically involved. I could go on with a whole elaborate story ( because I am a hopeless romantic) but I�ll give the short version. Our parents were married a little over a year before it happened. Before their marriage, we didn�t really know one another and we only talked a few times so we never grew up together. However there are so many other factors that society and my own family would view as inappropriate.

First, since our parent�s marriage, we have lived under the same roof. There has been tension since the beginning and he and I were always extremely flirty and close, which other siblings noticed and automatically labeled us as �weird.�

Second, we have a huge age gap. I�m not going to give exact numbers, but it is about a five year age difference. In my mind, there is nothing wrong with this mainly because I am extremely mature for my age and he is pretty immature and inexperienced for his age Another thing is, NO ONE knows except for my one friend and I�m not exactly sure if he�s told anyone. The whole thing is a great big secret and we both still live under our parents� roof. I�m basically living one gigantic lie which brings me to why we could never tell our parents.

Before anything happened with him and I, one of my siblings freaked out and said something to my crazy father who then freaked out at my mother and caused a whole drama. Yes at the time I would have loved to have something going on between us but at the time nothing was. From that point on, our parents became suspicious and kept a close watch on us. Also, because my father obviously didn�t agree with the situation, he basically disowned me for a while and did not want any part of me. Then my stepfather became like a father to me. Yes, I am now fine with both my father and my step father but we have a lot of issues.

For the past nine months, him and I have been trying to end it. Its next to impossible. I love him with all of my heart and I know that he loves me as much, maybe even more. I would risk it all to be with him but he has made it clear that he wouldn�t. I don�t blame him at all either. He�s close with his family and I would never want to be blamed for him not talking to them one day because of our relationship. The whole situation is just so hard and I definitely do not recommend it. However, he is moving out soon and I should be moving out in about a year, so I�m hoping that when I don�t have to see him everyday we will finally be able to get over each other. It just makes it hard because I don�t WANT to get over him�at all. But I�m so sick of seeing it hurt him so I�m working at giving him space and not seeing me. I dunno, if anyone has any suggestions on what to do for me to get over him or work through this.. let me know because I�m pretty much lost.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 345
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 345
Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son.

I think this happens alot when familys blend my kids are angles and your kids get the blame...this at any age or sex!!! i think there is a point in time that parents have to let go and let there kids work it out on there own!! as long as one kids not forcing there self or taking advantage of the other and they are not blood related and at lest one of them have moved out of there parents house and are adults i dont see a problem i have a cusin and step cusin that got married and after the family backed off did great but it took them standing up for there relationship and not blaming the others parent(s)and/or the other. that took guts and nerves of steel!!! they been married 5 years and have a wonderful set of twins that no one knows where they came from!!! but they look just like there dady!!!


All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial. judge not lest ye be judged.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Quote:
I�ve read all of the posts about step-siblings in relationships and I actually joined bellaonline just to reply to the topic.

One year and six months ago, my step brother and I became romantically involved. I could go on with a whole elaborate story ( because I am a hopeless romantic) but I�ll give the short version. Our parents were married a little over a year before it happened. Before their marriage, we didn�t really know one another and we only talked a few times so we never grew up together. However there are so many other factors that society and my own family would view as inappropriate.

First, since our parent�s marriage, we have lived under the same roof. There has been tension since the beginning and he and I were always extremely flirty and close, which other siblings noticed and automatically labeled us as �weird.�

Second, we have a huge age gap. I�m not going to give exact numbers, but it is about a five year age difference. In my mind, there is nothing wrong with this mainly because I am extremely mature for my age and he is pretty immature and inexperienced for his age Another thing is, NO ONE knows except for my one friend and I�m not exactly sure if he�s told anyone. The whole thing is a great big secret and we both still live under our parents� roof. I�m basically living one gigantic lie which brings me to why we could never tell our parents.

Before anything happened with him and I, one of my siblings freaked out and said something to my crazy father who then freaked out at my mother and caused a whole drama. Yes at the time I would have loved to have something going on between us but at the time nothing was. From that point on, our parents became suspicious and kept a close watch on us. Also, because my father obviously didn�t agree with the situation, he basically disowned me for a while and did not want any part of me. Then my stepfather became like a father to me. Yes, I am now fine with both my father and my step father but we have a lot of issues.

For the past nine months, him and I have been trying to end it. Its next to impossible. I love him with all of my heart and I know that he loves me as much, maybe even more. I would risk it all to be with him but he has made it clear that he wouldn�t. I don�t blame him at all either. He�s close with his family and I would never want to be blamed for him not talking to them one day because of our relationship. The whole situation is just so hard and I definitely do not recommend it. However, he is moving out soon and I should be moving out in about a year, so I�m hoping that when I don�t have to see him everyday we will finally be able to get over each other. It just makes it hard because I don�t WANT to get over him�at all. But I�m so sick of seeing it hurt him so I�m working at giving him space and not seeing me. I dunno, if anyone has any suggestions on what to do for me to get over him or work through this.. let me know because I�m pretty much lost.



Well I personally think that once you move out, to try living your life for you & maybe start dating others.
I only say that because it sounds like this guy doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about him & if it's because of the way his relatives are reacting to it, then maybe he does but is just holding back. If that's the case, then both of you moving out of the house is a good way to live your lives for yourselves because at that point it's really not anybody's business whether you 2 want to be together or not. If deep down he does feel the same way, then I would like you said give each other some space & some time. This would be a good way to figure out if they attraction is more than just physical. If it discover to be deeper than physical & deep down he does feel the same way, I would fight for the relationship too.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Quote:
Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son.

I think this happens alot when familys blend my kids are angles and your kids get the blame...this at any age or sex!!! i think there is a point in time that parents have to let go and let there kids work it out on there own!! as long as one kids not forcing there self or taking advantage of the other and they are not blood related and at lest one of them have moved out of there parents house and are adults i dont see a problem i have a cusin and step cusin that got married and after the family backed off did great but it took them standing up for there relationship and not blaming the others parent(s)and/or the other. that took guts and nerves of steel!!! they been married 5 years and have a wonderful set of twins that no one knows where they came from!!! but they look just like there dady!!!


One rule I would recommend is not getting your parents involved in any argument or fight that you may have. It's really non of their business just like their quarrels are non of yours. It's just common sense to me. The only exception is if the argument or fight is extremely abuse, then everybody & their grandmother should intervene.

You mentioned that when the other family members backed off, they did great. This proves my point that the problem is not the relationship itself, but the insecure reactions from others that make it an issue.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
no, the guy does feel as strongly, it's just a bad situation because of the "insecure reactions " of family members..and i've dated others and he hasnt, so if anything, it looks to him as if i dont feel as strongly.. which is now making me realize alot of things to actually say this outloud and i dont even know why i'm reposting anymore haha.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3
N
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
N
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3
My friend and her boyfriend have decided to get married. They got together with their parents and actually went to counseling, she was taking the advice about sitting down and talking about it. The baby that her mother wants to have with her stepfather made her feel like they were creating a blood relation between her and her fiance. Her mother did not realize that she felt that way. The therapist i guess told her that if they had a baby together that it would not make them related. since then they have openly came out about there continuing relationship with all sides of the family and have been supported by everyone.
it took guts for them and it all worked out in the end. even her father who hates his x and anything that has to do with her and her new husband has been able to accept his son as his daughter's fiance. i am not sure if i worded that so it makes sense.
I am so happy for my fiend, i just wish that i would find someone who loves me as much as he loves her.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
well , at least some stories have happy endings.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
nhgirl - I'm thrilled that they all went to counselling and talked it out with a third party. It sounds as though all went well! The good news about all this is that they all are willing to seek help in communicating, if they continue with this philosophy it will mean a stronger relationship for all.

Sundreams - slow down a bit, your not even out of the house yet, you have years to sort this out and even if it does take years, sometimes that worth waiting for is best when waited for.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
Carennedy - what ended up happening with your friends? Like is the guy alright, becasue i think you said he was the one who got really depressed and the girl acted out? are they talking?

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,462
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,462
I think if they are over 18 they should be left alone. If they are under 16 I think it's probably fruitless to try to stop it as that might just make it worse, you know how teens are.

Meg

Last edited by Carennedy; 06/11/06 11:50 PM.

Meg
The World is Our Classroom!
Homeschooling

Exotic Pets
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Sundreams - You mean forcegx7

Meg - If your child started a relationship with a step sibling under your roof how would you feel. With your comment you seem detached or lassez faire.

If my daughter took up with a child living under my roof I would find it difficult because they are playing house too soon. The immaturity that both would have would bring strain on the family relationship.

Blending families is difficult and trying to bring them together as siblings only to have them come together in a romantic relationship would make things more difficult not less.

Has anyone tried to blend a family only to have the step siblings romantically involved? Did it work out?

Last edited by Carennedy; 06/11/06 11:51 PM.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Quote:
Carennedy - what ended up happening with your friends? Like is the guy alright, becasue i think you said he was the one who got really depressed and the girl acted out? are they talking?


Sundreams, yeah I was the one with the friend's going through this. Basically not too much has changed. It's still has been a struggle for both of them. They are both still trying to repress their feelings which I assume is making them miserable. They don't talk much. My friend always makes sure she's not at his dad's house when he visits. He tries to avoid her as much as possible because he's trying so hard to move on. I've been his best friend when dealing with this because I don't want it to see it turn into a Royal Tenenbaums situation. The whole thing is almost a spitting image of that movie.
Whether or not they land up together again, i don't know. I personally have never seen them happier than when they were so I'm hoping for it even if it's several years down the road

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
forcegx7 - sounds like my situation exactly .. and how many years apart are they? just out of curiousisty... and i've never seen that movie, but i might have to rent it.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
sundreams104 - Can I ask how old you are?

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1
D
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
D
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1
I have been searching for a place to talk about this subject and I am so glad I finally found this forum. Ours is a 5 year story which I will try to tell briefly. At the time I met my present husband my kids were 19(son) and 14(daughter). His kids were 15(son) and 11(daughter). When my daughter and his son met they became interested in each other and soon began dating. We told them we did not think it was a good idea but decided that it would be better to let it go on than to have them sneak around.

They dated for 4 yrs and his son, at 19, decided to break up because he had found some one else. My daughter was devastated. This was her first love and she got very depressed, lost weight, the usual broken heart routine. But, because we are family, he is always around and she carries hope in her heart that he will come back to her. She has carried this hope for 2 yrs now and it is very frustrating to see her go on this way.

He has told her that he no longer sees her as a girlfriend, only a step-sister and he will not date her again. But he continues to call her and come over which makes it harder for her to let go.

I will stop there with the story and look forward to any replies. Advice, criticism, whatever! I know counselling is an option but at 20 yrs old, I think that should be her choice, I can only suggest it.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Well if the feelings were still shared by both, I would root them on & encourage the relationship to grow & thrive. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I don't think it was wrong for them to get involved. It just didn't work out. If maturity = the age in this case, then they are just too young to know how to deal.
I think it's mean to say to her that "I think of you as a stepsister now. He could of said that he considers her a good friend now instead.
The fact of the matter is, is that we all have gone through this. We have all broken up with somebody that we still have to continue to see or deal with day to day. For example, when I broke up with me high school sweetheart, I was crushed! I still had to see her everyday at school & also outside of school in social settings because her friends & my friends hung out. It was tough especially when she started dating one of my friends a bit later on.
As time passes, you accept it for what it is & you learn to appreciate the memory of the good thing that once was.
You realize that you're not going to die from it & eventually learn to move on.
As far as counseling goes, it may not be a bad idea.
As long as the focus is solely on learning how to deal with & move on from the relationship, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
debidoo61 -

I'm so glad to have you on this thread, your side of this situation is very valuable.

I feel for your family as it has been hurt beyond anything I could understand.

Throughout highschool we all have had our heart broken. We all have that one relationship that we wish would have turned out differently. The issue here is more complicated than that though because he now wants to be a step brother after the fact and isn't considering her feelings.

As a mother watching your child struggle with pain is unbearable, you just want to wrap them up with bubble wrap and make all the bad things go away with a kiss. As a parent the instinct to protect is strong, no matter how old the child is. The parent's heart breaks with the child's as they realize that they can no longer heal with a kiss.

My suggestion at this point is to take your daughter on a mother / daughter weekend. Bond with her, discuss your old broken heart stories, listen to her and help her by asking questions, not giving advice, to lead her to a healthy solution.

I would like to know more about your family and whether or not you have ever been able to blend it into a unit or if it is fractured. What are your husbands thoughts on this and has it effected your relationship with him? Were the children sexually involved while living under your roof?

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
forcegx7 .. im about to turn 20 and hes about to turn 25 .. which i think you said was the same exact age difference of your two friends.. i know its a big difference.. but im a mature 20 year old and hes an immature 24 year old..

debidoo - i wish i could talk to your daughter, because it sounds like we have a lot in common since i know how she feels with having to see him.. and not knowing how to deal with it..

Do they both live under your roof and how did their friends/ your family take this? because my family never even found out about my relationship with my step brother.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1
D
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
D
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1
Hello everyone... I've been viewing your messages for a couple of weeks now and finally decided to join Bella and add to the thread. I found you in a frantic search for 'support' when I realized I was falling in love with my step brother!

This could be a very long story... but to fill you in about my family dynamics; I'm 31 and I have two step-brothers who are 22 and 35. Their mother and my father married some 15 years ago.

I've never been in the same household as I lived with my mother until I was 18 and have been on my own since that time. My younger step-brother and I have more of a sibling bond but the older step-brother and I were never really close until recently... it's just over the years when I visited my father my younger brother was always around, still in high school - I was in college/grad school... while the older step-brother, "T" (we'll call him T), was away in the military. He'd already left home when our parents married. I had barely even met him. Now T is back home, ending a failed marriage and... I'm wallowing in my lack of success to ever find love. We're both in need of the very thing we each want to 'give' to that 'someone special' that we're both lacking and craving. (if that makes any sense) Simply, we both desire true love... there was already love there between us... and recently we've shared the dynamics of what we are missing romantically. As he explained what he tried to give and wasn't appreciated by his ex-wife... it was the blueprint to the very things I've been looking for (and vice versa).

He's expressing his 'visions' of happiness and what potential he sees in a future together...he's thought it all the way through marriage and children... even building a ministry together. And all of these things are... EXACTLY what I've dreamed a man of his caliber would someday feel for and express to me! But instead of being able to relish in the blessing I'm overcome with guilt and shame! He seems to be able to detach the 'familial relation' so easily! But I still struggle with what is the best course of action for my ENTIRE family. And the heartache I feel comes from the perspective of awaiting 'the one' for SO LONG... never settling for a mediocre relationship, not getting married at the first chance to be married just for the sake of being married, but waiting for the chemistry that 'fairy tales' say exist (if you just believe, pray and wait)... and now that it has finally, FINALLY come...... I can't keep it! I can't even TOUCH it!

I feel like I'm going crazy... because the man of my dreams... came in the form of... my brother! Somehow I wish we had met before my father and his mother met... it's really hard to let go!

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 8,850
BellaOnline Editor
Stone Age Human
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Stone Age Human
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 8,850
You are not related by blood - go for it!

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
When I originally posted this topic, I was just taking an educated guess when I stated that this type of relationship is occuring more & more. I never thought it would generate this many people who are having direct experience with this type of relationship.

Keep in mind, notice when a young couple are together where both of their parents (eithor widowed or divorced) meet through their kids. When this happnes, we never make a big deal out of it. So I basically think it's the same difference & there's no need to impose a double standard.

The only time I think the relationship should raise questions are only if they were raised together under the same roof since childhood. They would have more than likely established that sibling bond in that case. But even in that situation, you never know some of the details behind it so I wouldn't completely be against that either.

The first basic underlying fact that we all have to remember is what Susan Kramer said above, "You are not blood related."

If you happen to be teens under the same roof, I would personally try as hard as possible to put the relationship on hold until you both move out of the house & find another place to live either together or seperate places. At lease give the parents that much respect whether they are for the relationship or not.

Last edited by forcegx7; 07/12/06 08:31 AM.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Sounds like more and more individuals are faced with this delema. It would be helpful if those that have had sucesses or failures with this relationship dynamic would add some of their advice to these love struck step siblings.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
it seems like no one has advice for us .. hopefully everything will work out for all of us.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
I wish I could be of more help but I'm a minority. My parents are still together and I'm still with my husband. So no experience here.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Well Help has arrived, thanks to the Step Parenting Editor. Please see the link below on her latest article regarding this very issue.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art23429.asp

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
I read the article and I still believe that it's the people's judgements and reactions (that typically stem from insecurity) are what complicates the stepfamily not the relationship itself. I don't think it's right or even moral for someone to impose outside interference on anybodys relationship unless there are instances of physical or extreme verbal abuse is occuring. I also feel that she made too much of a big deal about how each member of the family should label each other.
She did state at the end that the relationship could work and even help the family dynamic to become stronger. That I can appreciate.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
the article was okay but it basically only discussed marriage and what would happen. It didnt really talk about the problems that a step-sibling couple faces before marriage..which is what most of us need

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Sundreams104 if your not looking at this relationship as the one with a future then I suggest you forget about it.

Relationships are complicated enough without adding to it and your immaturity will only bring heartache to your parents.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
no its not that, its just that to even get to the marriage part, most of these couples need to face the before marriage problems (which everyone in the forum seems to be facing), which i think is pretty tough.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
What I am trying to say is. Figure out if you want to live through the marriage issues of this type of relationship before you decide to continue.

Marriage is hard. Every morning I wake up and decide to love my husband. That's right, decide to. The feeling of love can wear thin after 8 years and the problems associated with living together and creating a life together quickly overshadow the giddy love. Life gets in the way, even if you try not to let it, work, kids, friends, and family all take its tole on a marriage. So every morning you have to make a decision to love your partner no matter what.

Every relationship is different and will take a lot more than advice on an anonymous forum. Talk to someone you trust, a pastor, a councellor, a parent. Someone who has experience with marriage. It's always a good idea to talk to someone who has a failed marriage to find out the pit falls and the heartache as well as someone who has a long successful marriage, like a grandparent.

Regardless who your marrying it is always a good idea to go into a serious relationship with your eyes wide open.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
I've gone looking for help for you again.

Keep checking the step family, relationship and dating forum for help.

Last edited by Carennedy; 08/07/06 09:20 PM.
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 10
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 10
I was raised with 2 step brothers and a step sister. We have lived together as a family in my fathers home off and on for years. I personally would never think to date one of my step brothers. We aren't particularly close by ay means, but I still don't think it would happen. The thought never occured to me, as I was brought up that they are my brothers, and you just don't date your brother.

Now another example would be my mother. She remarried and her new husband has children of his own. They are considered my siblings, through marriage of course. We never lived together or anything. His kids are grown, and for the most part, so am I..LOL. I wouldn't date them either.

I guess it really does depend on the circumstances, but to me it is a foreign concept. I am trying to look at this from an "open mind" but it just doesn't seem to sit right. Good Luck!!

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
D81nOnly2,

Since you were raised with the 2 step bros & a step sis originally, you established that sibling bond. This is what you are familiar with and therefore the perceptions you have of how this relationship should be in your mind, will automatically carry over to your mother's new step childern. Even though you have yet to establish that sibling bond with them. Let us say hypothetically, you were a single child and never grew up with any "stepsiblings" because your parents were together for most of your life. Then as you got older (a young adult or adult) your parents divorced & one of them remarried to another person who happens to have childern around the same age as you. Since you never experienced that sibling bond of any kind, you may be inclined to become attracted to & consider one of them as a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.
There is perfectly nothing wrong with that. And if you were to become attracted to and started dating one of your mother's new husband's kids, I don't think there would be anything wrong with that either.

I sent the author of that article Carrendy posted an email stating my friends situation. She actually was mostly concerned about their ages because I forgot to mention to her that they are adults. The author stated that the only time this relationship should be in question is when the ages of the persons involved are not quite adults yet.

Life is about love and finding balance. It wouldn't be a good thing to pursue this type of relationship if you're the type of persons who have a hard time communicating with each other and being mature enough to deal with the consequences tactfully and respectfully if things don't work out with the relationship. I really think it's not right for people to assume that others are this incapable.

I think most people label this as being wrong or taboo because we assume that most people aren't mature enough to handle these things, and we impose this one size fits all to both adults and teens. We also base the reason why this relationship may not work out on the existence of the relationship itself. When in all actuality it doesn't work out due to the strain & stressed caused by others imposing their insecure reactions and negative judgements upon the 2 persons involved. If the outside people were really geniunely concerned about how the relationship would affect their family, they would be more inclined to be alleys in helping the relationship to work out and prosper than to just simply discourage it.

My friend & his dad's stepduaghter has been going through some tough times and really them being apart because of their friends and familys' judgements & reactions has had more of a negative effect of both of their well beings than when they were prospering together in their relationship.
They were honestly and truly good for each other and I attest first hand that they brough the best out of one another.

Last edited by forcegx7; 08/08/06 06:08 PM.
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Hello. I am new to this forum and actually ran into it by reading this topic after googling step-siblings. I'd like to tell you all my story.
My father and step mother got married when I was 9. His new wife had 2 sons, one which was 10, and the other was 4. We (my siblings and I) didn't go see my father much; he's selish and his wife is even more so and we weren't very welcome out there. I didn't start going out there on a regular basis until I was about 14. When I turned 15 I chose to move out there.... and was placed in a bedroom with my 16 year old step brother.... I'm sure you can imagine how things progressed slowly. I didn't get along well with my step mother to say the least and was miserable. She made me feel very unwelcome and treated me like a rock in her shoe. My father didn't do anything about it. The only person who was there for me was my step brother. We fell in love. REAL love. We carried on our secret relationship for close to a year before we were "caught". We were kept apart for the rest of our adolesence. Last summer ('05) he came home on leave (he's now in the Navy) to get his divorce granted and we hung out. One thing led to another and yes, the love is still there, even 4 years later. But, he returned to base and I went on and got married to some guy myself who I'm now divorcing. I know in my heart of hearts that this man and I are meant to be. One day, we will be together and happy. He's actually here on leave again and we've hung out a couple times, but we're kind of keeping a distance since he's headed to Japan next and who knows when we'll see one another again... Thanks for reading, just thought you might want some "first hand" experience!!!

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Wow. good story. I'm surprised & amused that 2 adults would have 2 adolescents share a bedroom and not expect that anything would happen.

Last edited by forcegx7; 10/16/06 10:44 AM.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Gx7 - How are things going for your friend? Any change?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Yes and No. His ex is no longer acting out with different guys. She has settled and is living with a steady boyfriend.
I'm sure the feelings are still being repressed from both of them, but it looks like she's moving on in a healthier way now.
My buddy is (of course) not happy about it. But at this point, he feels like he can't compete with this new guy because of the higher status that he has. He is in his early 20's, is related to very wealthy high powered attorneys, and he already runs his own business.
My buddy has a good job but doesn't come from money and always seems to be struggling a bit financial...so he can't compete with this guy.
So this might be the reality check he needs in order for him to start moving on also.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Thank you for reading my story. i'm sorry to hear about your buddy. It sounds like he's in a similar boat as I am. "T" (my step-brother, that's what we'll call him) is seeing a girl currently and although he doesn't talk much about her to me; I hear he's pretty content with her. Yes, I'm miserable about it. I love him; but I don't think I could ever be with him. Not that I'm ashamed of us by any means. I got over the shame of being in love with my step brother some time ago. But his mother is an awful human being and it's bad enough having her as a step mother. Comments or advice are always welcome! Thanks!

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
There's an issue I never thought of.... Your step parent becoming an in law brings a whole set of other issues all together.... Unless you were an adult when your parents got married and they were never really your step parent.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Quote:
There's an issue I never thought of.... Your step parent becoming an in law brings a whole set of other issues all together.... Unless you were an adult when your parents got married and they were never really your step parent.


Especially if they don't get along in the first place.
What are the issues that you're thinking of?

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Well, in my case, my step mother is a royal you-know-what. I'm not saying that to me mean or spitful at all. She just is what she is. It's hard enough having her as a step mother; not that I have to deal with her anymore now that I'm an adult, but if "T" and I were to go off and get married; I'd have to deal with her all over again. That's not something I can deal with again. I have been on medication for depression since I got away from her when I was 16, and saw a therapist weekly for almost a year after I moved out.
"T" and I have actually talked about it even in the last year and he says that his mother would probably disown him anyway if we were to get married. I don't want him to have to go through that pain and anguish on my account. I'd live with that guilt for a very long time.
At this point, I just want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. Who knows... maybe that whole saying that goes, "If you love something, let it go and if it comes back you know it's yours." will ring true for me! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
wow .. sounds like my motto right now " if you love something, let it go and if it comes back you know its yours.."

me and my step brother are trying to break it off for good right now.. which isn't working too well in so many different ways. i dated other guys, but for about 2 years, and even before anything happened, i've been the only girl he has been with in any kind of way. but thats a bout to change. he met someone last weekend. i dont think its going to work, but he held me back in a lot of different ways and ended up getting me back when i found someone .. so right now, in my head, i want him to go and hookup or date this girl becasue i know he'll come back. i have enough faith in it..

but alot of these stories aren't ending well.. who knows.. maybe i can have a happy ending or hopefully someone in this group will

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Good luck Sundreams. I do know of a couple about 45 minutes north of me who are step-brother and sister and have been married for 5 years and counting. They have a small daughter and are very happy. I think for the most part, for this type of situation to work, you have to have complete support from ALL family members. Usually friends are more accepting than family; at least that was the case for me. Again, good luck to you.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
Parakeet
Offline
Parakeet
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 822
AimeeMae

The couple who have been married for 5 years. Were they brought up living in the same house, did they meet as children, teenagers or as adults?

There are a lot of variables as to if it will be viewed as acceptable or if it would work out.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
They became step siblings as teenagers and did not live in the same household. She lived with her mother and visited her father ever other weekend. Good question! I was more than anything telling sundreams that there are "happy endings" in this kind of situation too.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
yeah well i think living in the same household brings some complications. especially when only one or two family members know about it. my optimistic point of view on this situation has been lost haha. but good luck to anyone else in the situation and anyone debating on whether or not to start this type of relationship with a step sibling they care about, i do not suggest it.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2
well you all will like this one my mom and her dad married when i was 11 and she was 13 but she only lived with us for a year or two then but it was more like a lil crush then and later when i was like 18 she came back to stay for awhile while waiting to go to the navy and we always kept in touch while she didnt live there well she then got married and had a child now that she is divorced and back in town for good we have been seeing each other everyday...
then her father died not long ago which i was close with and now we dont know what to do .... we was just about to tell them before that happened .......there is actualy alot more to it than just what i have said btw i am now 25 and she is 27 and her and my mother dont get along (figures)

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
Hello all, i'm a 25 year old male who has been in a Step-Sibling relationship. I do not recommend this for anyone, but if you both feel mutually then i highly recommend you wait until you are both adults and sit down and create a plan with your step-sibling and then you should both sit down with the rest of your family and discuss the situation. I give this advice because my experience has caused serious damage to both of us and has pretty much shaped our adult lives. I'd like to share with you all my story.


My parents divorced when i was about 7 years old and my mother moved me to another state away from my father at age 11. i would visit my father during summer break. Around age 14 my dad came to pick me up for my summer visit and said that he had a new friend and that she had a daughter that i was going to be friends with. I had probably already met this girl since my half brother had been dating her older sister through highschool. The girl was 10 and i was 14, we began to bond the very first day and had very similar interests and loved to talk to each other, we became inseperable within the first month we knew each other. I was rather depressed to return home to my mother but i continued to talk to my new friend once in a while on the phone. The following summer i visited my father and we encountered much the same situation, nothing new. it was the third summer that things got interesting, she was about to turn 13 and i was turning 17, it was late one night that we were joking around and i had been making fun of her calling her a little girl, we put in a movie to watch and i decided to throw in one last age joke, say something along the lines of "how bout you sit on santas lap little girl, tell me what you want for christmas" it may sound a bit sexual now, but at the time, i wasnt thinking that way, but was really surprised when she actually sat down on my lap. I immediatly said to her "this isnt a good idea" she turned around and straddled me...we didnt watch the movie. We never had sex that summer but there were some steamy times. My dad married her mom shortly after this happened aswell. As summer neared it's end i had to tell myself and her that none of it meant anything. I went back home to my mother and continued to talk to my step sister on my new computer (a top of the line Pentium 133Mhz:) She would talk about her boyfriends and the way they treated her, i would critisize and get upset and she would ask why i cared so much until i finally admitted to myself and her that i was in love with her, she admitted the same and we immediately started and online relationship with plans for me to move to my father's after i graduated. I graduated and moved to my father's so i could be with her. at this point i was 18 and she was 14, we began a sexual relationship. Our parents found out we were togethor and said that we need to put the relationship on hold until we both were mature enough to handle a relationship, they didnt do much to enforce the issue until my father found out we were having sex, at which point he threatened to kick me out of his house if i didnt break it off with my stepsister. I tried to do so with opposition from her, saying that if i love her i need to proclaim it to our parents and not give in to thier demands. This was easy for her to say as she was still too young for them to kick out. I tried to stick it out with her out of love but we had to be more secretive. Eventually the stess got so hard on me that one night i took her outside and asked her if she wanted to see other people, when she asked me why i lied and told her that i wanted to sleep with other girls. So she agreed, i never really found out if she wanted to break up or if she agreed because i wanted to break up. regardless, i think we both did it because we thought it would be best for each other, i think we were wrong. We both got into seperate relationships to cover the pain, but only made things worse, i would beg and plead for her to come back to me and she would insist that it shouldnt be, then she would go off and cry herself(or so she says) but then in week moments we would find ourselves in bed togethor. Eventually it got to the point where we were manipulating each other to see each other's pain so we would know we still had feelings for each other. It got to the point where i went to my father's room and got a pistol from his drawer, i went outside with the intent of killing myself, but then she walked around the corner of the garage, i pointed the gun at her with tears in my eyes saying "go back in the house and leave me alone" she walked up to me as calmly as could be and put my arms around me and said "James, i love you with all my heart, but we can't be togethor" (I still have dreams about this scenario, where in the dream things go th wrong way and i shoot her in the head, carry her body into the house and cry with her in my arms until our parents walk in, then i shoot myself) I don't remember ever breaking down again after this point, as if i've developed an inpenetrable sheild that will not let me show my emotions, though there is still immense pain inside. I later became involved with another girl with whom i worked, we moved in togethor and got engaged. My emotions for my stepsister were still there. I remember one time i spoke to my step sister on the phone, she was having problems and wanted someone to talk to, so i invited her to my apartment for some drink and conversation, we talked for a while and ended up having sex, i stopped it and told her that i needed for her to leave as i couldnt go through with it as i was involved with someone else. This trend didnt last long as several months later i went all the way with her, then again after my fiance and i lost our apartment and had to move into my dad's where my stepsister was still living. after my fiance and i had gotten back onto our feet and got another apartment i buried myself into video games to forget the guilt i felt for cheating on her with my stepsister, it eventually led to her breaking the engagment and kicking me out of the apartment. I moved back to my dad's yet again, to find myself once again sleeping with my step sister, who at this point had a child from the man that she cheated on with me. We were togethor for about a month when she said that she had met a guy at work that asked her out and that she was going to go out with as a pity date since the guy was kind of dorky and ugly, at this point i had gotten over my imature jealousy issues so i said ok. turns out that on that pity date they had some incredible conversation, apparently the best conversation she had ever had, she was so turned on by the good conversation that it didnt matter that i was at home, she brought him back to the house late at night and when i came out to see if she had come home yet, the were having sex on the couch. I'm not quite sure what kind of conversation they had but it must have been really something because he really was a very dorky and ugly guy. Anyway, i didnt let them know i had seen them, i just went back and got my keys, i walked into the living room, looked at them, then slammed the door as i walked out. I proceeded to get thoroghly drunk and when i was satisfied that i had drowned my emotions, i went home and talked to her like a civilzed human being. This is when she explained that it caught her by surprize that he had such a wonderful personality that she couldnt resist him. Well, they are still togethor but things have changed alot, for one, i've gotten away from her, i joined the military and am now about 15 hours away from her, we didnt talk for about a year and a half, then she finally decided that she had a conscience and called me to apologize for hurting my, it might also have something to do with the fact that her boyfriends personality was fake, and he is now verbally and emotionally abusive and has her locked into a relationship with a child that they had recently. We've been talking over the phone for about a year now, slowly building our friendship bond back, but i think there's still alot of issues despite the fact that we've forgiven each other for the things we've done to each other. And i think that if we were to get back togethor now, it might could work, but would have been way easier if we had just waited. Also, i'm going home to visit my dad in a couple weeks, my stepsister has since moved out then back in with my dad, so i'm am scared to death that emotions may come flowing back for both of us, any advice for preventing this would be great. I hope my story wasnt too long and i hope that it is helpful to someone. I will say that for the most part, my story seems to fit the common breakup scenario for step sibling relationships, we broke up, i had dificulty moving on and comparing all my girls with my step sister, and she lashed out in pain by using other guys to try to make herself feel better in whater mentality causes that behavior(not sure, not a woman, but i could gather that it's just a desire to cover pain and get the feeling of being desired by someone). Anyway, that's it, i'm really done now. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like repressing the relationship caused more damage than the relationship itself. But more importantly, it sounds like you guys were just too young. It really sounds like you 2 are meant for each other but both of you may have to learn how to deal with individual issues you may have first.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
Well, i believe that we are meant for each other too, however i also know that people who are meant for each other, sometimes never get togethor, or stay togethor for that matter. At this point i know that she is just as afraid for me to come home as i am, being she is afraid that it may ruin her relationship with her boyfriend, which the only i can see that she should stay with him is because of thier son. The problem is that i am going through a life changing experience right now, my outlook on things has changed quite a bit, i've learned that things past are things past, i need to try to do something constructive for the future, and where her and i are concerned i finally want to sit her down and talk about the details of how i feel, but i'm not sure if it will make much difference as she has become someone who does not give into her true emotions very easily, she'd rather make up emotions to show to people. But then maybe i'm wrong, maybe she justs cares about me as a friend, but all the signs point to more, i know she's holding back something and i've never been able to figure it out, i hope that maybe she might finally decide to open up to me now that we're older, but i have my doubts. On a different note, i watched the Royal Tenenbaums last night after seeing it mentioned here. I thought it was an excellent and funny movie except for when Richie Tenenbaum tries to commit suicide over his love for his adopted sister, i felt like i was watching myself, i nearly broke down, but as mentioned in my previous post, i can't do that anymore.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Thank you for sharing your story. All these stories are really making me wonder how and why there are so many of these situations out there. I have my thoughts and opinions on the matter but who knows....
Toxic, from personal experience, you are very much correct on women lashing out by using other men. I went through a stage shortly after our "breakup" where I literally just played any man under the sun who showed me attention. I was "seeing" 4 men at one time at one point in time. (not sleeping with any of them though, I was still kind of saving myself for "T") It wasn't until about 2 years later that I found someone to settle down with for a time. My step brother was married by that point. When he proceded to get a divorce 2 years later, I broke up with the person I had been seeing. I was never happy with him anyway and I had hopes of "T" coming back to me. And he did.... for a short stint while he was home on leave. Then he went back to his base; and another girl. So what did I do? I started dating one of his old friends and got pregnant and married him. Again, in a way, lashing out to "T" showing him that I, too, can move on and "forget" about him. Now that I'm divorcing, and he's overseas for the next year... who knows.... he's still with the girl he started dating after our little affair, but she's in the Air Force and also overseas. Is it wrong to secretly hope that things don't work out???? Ok, now that I've written a novel.... I'll go, lol.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
AimeeMea,

I don't think that it's wrong to hope things don't work out with you step brother's current relationship, what would be wrong is if you were trying to manipulate his relationship, him or his significant other to try to get him back. I can tell you from experience that this behavior causes more damage than anything else and may very well ruin your chance or at least delay having any kind of relationship with him. I would probably be with my step sister right now if we hadnt both isisted on playing our stupid mind games, but we were young and stupid and perhaps things have worked out for the best. I still believe that if things don't work out with your brother's relationship, and he comes back to you, you will have a host of unique problems, but i also believe that Love is the most important thing, i think other people make love too complicated and just can't let go of other things. Money, Kids, Opinions of friends and family, these things, though important should not decide whether a relationship lasts or not, people tend to forget what's really important when these and other factors get thrown into the mix. Anyway, on my end, i spoke to my stepsister today, told her i'm coming home to visit and that i want to talk to her, she said "ok" practically before i finished saying what i was saying so i get the feeling she's got some things to say too, hopefully it won't end badly, we've got a good friendship going and i'd hate to see it end by bringing up buried feelings, but i feel it's something that needs to be done.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Good luck with your talk Toxic. I hope that things work out the best way possible for you.
You are correct though, if we were to decide to be together one day, we would run into a whole new set of problems. All relationships have problems of one kind or another. Acceptence from family would and always has been our biggest hurdle that we will probably never overcome, thus, we will never be together. But that's ok. (Honestly it is) I've grown to accept my fate and don't mind it.
If I sound like I am encouraging this kind of relationship, please know that I am not. The incredible pain and heartache I have went through over the past 7 years wasn't worth it. Unfortuantely, love knows no boundaries....
But I have to disagree with you Toxic, love is not the most important thing. You can have love, but no trust. You can have love, but no compassion. You can have love, and no communication. Those three things I believe are key in making a relationship work. See, I do love my soon to be ex husband; but we did not have ANY of those three factors. Therefore, our relationship failed after only 3 months of marriage.
Thank you for your response! I hope to hear from you again!

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
it sounds like all of us pretty much have the same problems in this type of relationship repeated over and over again. and the thing about women going to other men to hide their feelings is true...especially in this situation. i know for me, it used to be a game with my step brother. i would have other guys or mention other guys to see if he cared. i knew if he got mad, he did and in some respect, it made me feel a little better. also, in this situation, most of us have to see the person again. we can't completely cut them out of our lives so we want our step sibling to see us as moving on, even if we're not. it sucks because no matter i think all of us will always compare other people to them. for me, part of why i can't seem to move on is because i've always liked the challange and my step brother is someone i knwo that i can never have. that mixed with love.

which the whole love part makes sense and is probably why this is common. me and my step brother used to joke becasue i'm exactly like my mom and hes exactly like his dad. our parents have great chemistry so immediately we had great chemistry..it just kind of makes sense.

toxic - how old are you guys now?

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
Sundreams: I am 25 and she is now 21, the last time we saw each other i was 23 and she was 19.

AimeeMae: I believe that love is still the most important thing, but both people have to love each other enough to put forth the effort to be Trustworthy, Compassionate and to communicate. I think it just boils down to how much you love someone, you can choose to be any of those things, you can even choose to be mature or immature. Point being, i know first hand that love can change all of these things, just in my case it was too late. But then most people never learn until it's too late.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
I suppose you are right Toxic, you can choose to be those things or not. In order to choose those things, you have to be mature, which my soon to be ex is not. All those things I mentioned that you need in a relationship for it to work, other than the trust, was him. Because he did not communicate with me, and was not compassionate, or faithful; I did not trust him. My step brother and I had all those things. He was my rock and confidante... he still is. I haven't heard from him since he left for Japan; and I miss him terribly. Even after our relationship was demolished, we still had a very tight friendship, but buried inside the both of us are those "forbidden" feelings. He is 23 now, I am 21; in case anyone was curious. I don't know if you read my story Toxic but even that goes deeper. I DID try to commit suicide after we were "caught" and I was moved back to my mother's house and he was forbidden. It wasn't so much the fact that I was moved away from him that hurt, it was the fact that he was forbidden. We weren't aloud to see or even talk to eachother on the phone. We started talking over the internet and he was caught e-mailing me after a couple weeks and banned from the internet.
He suppressed his feelings by sleeping with a lot of other girls and getting married to the first one that he dated longer than a couple weeks, at the age of 18. As you read above; I played around. I shut my emotions down and refused to feel anything for anyone. I think that with both of us it's a constant "game" to show the other one that we can be happy with others. Not a game to hurt eachother, just one to basically tell the other one to move on and accept our fate. Again, we will probably never end up together and that is alright. He is supposedly happy with this other girl, and I am happy just being a single mother. Although..........

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
AimeeMae,

Here's a questions to you. Have either you or your step brother talked to your family about thier feelings regarding you and your stepbrother being togethor? In my case our family didnt care that we had feelings about each other or that we were togethor, they were more concerned with our age difference. Once she turned 18 they told us to do what we wanted to do, but the damage was already done. Now that she is with a total dirtbag, most of our family would like to see us get back togethor, She is the only reason we're not togethor actually, and she uses the most irritating line ever "I love you, i just can't be with you" and i have yet to figure out what that means exactly. Also your attitude of "i've accepted that we're never going to be togethor" is not acceptable to me. Maybe the probability exists that you will never be togethor, but you are still young yet and anything can happen over the course of your lifetime. So you should accept that you are not togethor now, and MAY never be again, but you should maintain hope at least. I also recommend that at the next available opportunity, you talk to your step brother and discuss how you really feel, and i'll let you know how my talk works out:)



James

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
I started this thread having a notion that this type of relationship exists more than we would think, but I never imagined this kind of response and dialouge. WOW!

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
I agree with you Forcegx7, i thought i was alone in my situation, it actually makes me feel alot better to know that there are more people out there going through the same thing. I also get the feeling that there are more people out there in this boat than we even think right now, just nobody knows it, maybe they don't even know themselves yet. But i believe that someday this type of situation will be viewed as common occurance and maybe those people will not have to suffer the same problems that we have, maybe thier relationships will have a higher success rate.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Toxic,
Maybe you are right. Maybe I should have higher hopes than I do. But, the hurdle that we must overcome may be too igh for my sanity. HIS mother is a horrible human being and has never wanted to accept us (my siblings and I) as family, although we are my father's children. That woman has made my life a living hell for about half my life and I couldn't bear to havee her as a mother in law. Of course I have talked to my family about it. My little sister is all for it, knowing that this is what will make me happy. My mom... I think could learn to accept it eventually. She's mostly worried about the abuse my step-mother has put us through emotionally increasing once I'm yet again part of her family, this time through the marriage of her son to me. My father actually told me last summer when I talked to him about it that "T" was an awesome step-son, and that he would probably make just as good of a son in law. So I guess when it comes down to it; my step mother is the biggest hurdle. I can't stress to you guys just how big hurdle she really is. There isn't enough time in a year to explain that woman to you all.
Yes, I felt pretty alone in my situation until I ran across this thread. I mean, I'd heard of it happening, but never really got to talk to anyone about it. The people I know for north of hear that had a positive experience with it really couldn't do much for me.
Thank you for your response! Maybe I should still harbor some hope in the matter! Definately let me know how your talk goes!

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Yeah I agree with you. I myself strongly believe that this type of relationship should not be considered or deemed as forbidden or taboo. I do also realize that there are different dynamics involved in this relationship that may make it more challanging than your average relationship. So it's better if this relationship is pursued when they are both adults and have a better chance at communicating & working through these dynamics because in general you'll be more mature. I would assume that 2 16 year olds wouldn't have the maturity to handle the challenges & dynamics that come with this type of relationship.
Finally, I believe that it's the insecurities and harsh judgements and reactions of others that cause this relationship to have problems, and not the relationship's existence itself.
People need to get a grip, live their own lives, mind their own relationships/business, and at the same time be more supportive of their friends and family's decisions.
This is not incest we are talking about here. It's a relationship between 2 people that are not at all blood related.

Last edited by forcegx7; 11/09/06 02:41 PM.
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
it just seems like all of us have the same basic problems: supressing the feelings, going and back and forth between the relatiosnhip, attempts at suicidie or depression..

this forum has helped me some but i'm also reading about people who move away from the relationship, which doesn't make it go away. since i am still young, i was acutally thinking about transfering to a college thats a plane ride away to get out of this stuation...but as i'm reading in here, that doesn't help either.

it seems like we all have the age gap problem too..which is weird. and i also must admit that me and my step brother talked about something like this before how , "do you think anyone else out there is experiencing this same situation.." its a bittersweet feeling to know that we aren't the only ones.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
Sundreams,

Yep, doesnt go away by moving away, i joined the military and didnt see or talk to my stepsister for over a year, but still thought about her everyday and the pain got worse, started thinking that the only way to feel better was to kill myself, but then i've already tried that and decided i was too strong to ever try it again, sometimes i wish i wasnt. One thing i can say, i think i'd be alot happier if she were happy, but she's not, and she's got a twisted philosphy that she believes it's ok that she's not happy, or that she's not supposed to be happy. She's also got what seems to be some serious self esteem problems and a very low sex drive, which i suspect both stem from the way her boyfriend treats her. She sees it as she has to stay with him because she's the only one who understands why he acts the way he does and i think he needs her because he can't get anyone else as he is 28 and has only had sex with one other girl, two times. Anyway, i've gone way off subject, just that i talked with her about this the other night and it's still floating around my head. Anyway, i cannot give any advice as to how to make the pain stop, i havnt figured that out yet.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Nope.... me neither.... sorry team. The only way I know how to deal with the pain is to suppress it and not think about it. I block out my emotions all together. Yes, it's not the right way to go about it. But that's the only thing I know.... You guys have helped me out a lot. Just talkig about it to people who know.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
it seems like thats a big problem too.. i can't just move on because moving on makes him unhappy, and he tries to move on from me, which hurts me, and makes him unhappy.. if we were both fine with it and didn't still have such strong feelings for eachother, i think we'd be able to move on...i dunno if thats the problem with you guys too..

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
I don't know if he is happy or not. Sometimes I think he is and it hurts me, although I should just be happy that he is happy. I thought I was happy for a stint. But it turns out that I was just in love with the thought of being in love with a person who wasn't what they claimed to be. If that makes sense. I've noticed that people who have been in this situation get into reckless relationships in the future. We all obviously compare our significant others with our step siblings, and normally they can't even compare. I wonder if we subconciously do that on purpose because we don't want anyone who can make us as happy than they did. I'm not sure if this makes sense; I've been kinda spacey all day...... talk to you guys later!

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 335
Shark
Offline
Shark
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 335
I think this is just one more thing that happens with the break down of families. I dated my foster parent's son and later my dad's girlfriend's son. Funny thing is, I think it bothered the parents more than it did us. Teen romances come and go. However if our parents had either worked things out (I am only referring to mine here because it was a serious lack of communication, no abuse, drugs, affairs, etc.) we never would have been put in that situation.

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 15
thats funny becasue thats exactly what my best friend told me when i told her about the situation. i mean yeah, it sucked that we live in the same house, but she said its part your parents fault for putting two attractive kids in a house together and expecting them to not have anything happen, other than friendship. so i dunno but i don't blame my parents.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 31
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 31
so i randomly stumbled on this surfing and joined because of it. heres my dilemma-i have a stepbrother whom i met when i was 18 and he was 22 when our parents started dating. we met a few times but didnt really know eachother until this year. he lives in a different state then i do but we talk over emails and text messages almost everyday or so. we started talking about what we enjoy in a partner and sexually, things of that nature. well, this went on a couple of months and he came to visit "the family" a couple days ago. his dad, my mom, he and i along with a couple other people went out and we were all drinking and he and i went to a secluded place and kissed. about ten minutes afterwards we did it again and his dad saw us and walked over! omg i could have died!
now we blamed this kiss on the alcohol (to them anyways) but i think that im starting to have feelings for him now. im going to visit him in a couple of days and our parents dont know that im going to see him, they think im going somewhere else. im confused though because the fact he lives in another state and what would i say to my mom and his dad?
now i am in my early twenties and he in his mid twenties but i just recently moved back in with the parents, what should i do? can we possibly keep this a secret?

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
You're both adults, and as such, what you do is legally your own business.
Morally, you need to get over your hang-ups - because if you are not blood relatives, it's no different to meeting someone in a bar....The only obstacles you have are the ones you deliberately create for yourselves.

You seem to make it quite clear that you are NOT related....so where's the problem? If you're concerned about the sensitivities of your parents.... why??

What is their objection? Have you actually discussed it with them, or are you just worried about what MIGHT happen?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 31
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 31
well his dad came and spoke to us about it and let us know that he realizes that we arent related and we never grew up together and if it does go into a relationship then so be it, but we were just embarressed by the whole topic-it was like we were 10 years old getting in trouble for something we wish we didnt get caught for---but never regreated! but my mom is freaked out about the kiss incident. she sees him as her son now and even though we didnt grow up together she thinks its weird. so its hard, my mom and i are pretty close- always have been.

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
Zebra
Offline
Zebra
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3,313
First of all, I think you need to find out for yourself whether you two guys want to get together, and how serious this could be....

Secondly, you need to talk to your mum...her perception of your step-brother is bound to be different to yours, but that's not your problem.
The fact is,and the fact remains that:
1) You are not related, and
2) You are both consenting adults.

If it looks like you two might be seriously attracted, then that's something she may have to learn to deal with.
If this is all tentative and 'just supposing'....then maye you need to also broaden your horizons a bit to nearer home....?

That's it really....

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Quote:
First of all, I think you need to find out for yourself whether you two guys want to get together, and how serious this could be....

Secondly, you need to talk to your mum...her perception of your step-brother is bound to be different to yours, but that's not your problem.
The fact is,and the fact remains that:
1) You are not related, and
2) You are both consenting adults.

If it looks like you two might be seriously attracted, then that's something she may have to learn to deal with.
If this is all tentative and 'just supposing'....then maye you need to also broaden your horizons a bit to nearer home....?

That's it really....


I agree with this 100% & couldn't of said it better myself.

Again, I'm the original poster of this topic and it seems that every month there's a new person that is in a similar situation that discovers this thread. So why again is this so taboo? (sarcasm)

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 8
Well,

i talked to my stepsister and my family, i feel as though i got less cleared up with my stepsister than i did with the rest of my family, i at least know where i stand with the family, but not so much with her. My brother said he thinks i need to get over it and move on, his wife(who happens to also be his stepsister(the sister of the stepsister i'm in love with)) is fine with me and my stepsister being involved. My real sister takes the same position as my brother. My dad and my stepmom actually wish that my stepsister and i would get back togethor despite them being against it in years past. They said that we seem to have alot of chemistry and lose time when we are togethor, spending hours just talking. They said that i'm extremely good with her children and they like me more than they like thier father's. And they said they think that i'm capable of treating Her and her kids better than anyone else they've seen her with. Now as far as where i stand with her, i'm a little confused. She admitted that love and her children are a minimal reason to why she stays with her jerk boyfriend. The bigger reason is comfort, she's been with him for almost 3 years and is afraid to give up a relationship that she's comfortable in, regardless of whether she's happy or not. She also admitted that there are some issues she's dealing with, medically and mentally that only her boyfriend and sister know about, which means that her self esteem is kind of low and she doesnt think anyone else would want her if they knew about the issues. She did say that she still loves me, and she still thinks about me and worries about me. She said that if she does get the courage to leave her relationship, she would want to be alone for a while. I had told her that i thought about her everyday since i had joined the air force 2 years ago, and that i knew that she didnt want to get married but that i felt that she is the only girl i've ever met that has been worthy of marrying(though i didnt ask her). She explained that she really did want to get married, just that she was looking for someone who really understands what marriage is supposed to mean, it's not a joke, it's not just love, it's everything and that she wants to marry a man that understands that if you go into marriage because of love alone and not expecting the rest, then it will fail, i made the point that after all of the bad things that we have put each other through, i'm still in love and still feel the same as i used to. The conversation got cut short by an interruption from another family member so we never got to finish, therefore i still have no idea where i stand with her. I came back to nebraska from my vacation home and am not sure if i should try to finish the conversation over the phone or on the internet or not at all, i usually don't like to do that since phone and interet is kind of impersonal, but would really like to finish the conversation, and feel as though i need to. What do you guys think?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 31
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 31
well i think that even though you dont like the phone or internet conversations, thats the only way your going to get an instant answer-if you want an answer right now... but i personally prefer internet emails because someone once told me that people tend to be more honest and open about feelings over emails and text messages than face to face confrontations (sp?) and phone calls.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Well I saw my friend over the holidays & got an update about what's going on between him & that stepsister of his.
He went over to his dad's Christmas night & she was there.
He said that she gave him a hug, wished him a Merry Christmas and the within minutes went into her younger sister's room upstairs to lay down because she wasn't feeling well. She came down for dinner, watch some people open gifts, and then went home. He said they barely talked at all. He found out from her mother that she broke up with that rich boyfriend and moved into her own apartment with roommates. Her mom says that this boyfriend spoiled her, they both ran up credit card bills, then of course started fighting over money. So now she's in this apartment sleeping on an air matress, has no stove & very little furniture altogether. My friend says he knows where he can get good appliances & furniture for next to nothing. Says his landlord has a whole warehouse of stuff that he can just help himself to. So in about 2 weeks I'm going to help him load up a van with as much stuff as possible and we're going to deliver it to her by surprise.
He told me that all he wants to get out of this favor is that she really starts seeing him as the only guy who would always be there for her not just to spoil her, but when it really matters. I told him that I though it was a good gesture on his part because when he told me that, I realized that he's doing this favor for her because he really loves her & cares for her. What do you guys think?

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2
S
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
S
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2
with my story we just split up after pretty much living together on accident for 7 months even though we werent sexualy active or even very intimate she just wanted to try to get used to the fact of it all and ended up she just cant get past that reality
i guess the fact that we did live together for a total of 5 years off and on bothers her even though i always kept my distance and didnt develope that brother and stepsister relationship i dont know you guys everyones story is different and the truth is we can only read what is on here and nobody is really telling the whole story im sure so its hard for me to give any advice but it does help me to know there is alot of other ppl going threw the same similar thing ....which i dont guess i am anymore

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
I am a little late on this comment, but better late than never. First off I just wanted to say that it's a huge comfort to know that I am not the only one dealing with this situation. I felt that I was the only one going through this situation and after reading everyone's comment, I feel a lot better that people are supportive of what people are going though.
Well my situation is my mom and I met my boyfriend and his dad at a party. My boyfriend and I (I was in my early 20's and him in his late 20's) started talking and got to know each other but before we knew it my mom and his dad were at the justice of peace getting married. We never told anyone that we were together b/c for me I didn't know how my mom would react, how people around us would react and if what I was doing being with him was morally and spritually wrong. People speculated but after 4 years I finally told my friends, my mom and his dad. It was a huge weight off my shoulder and everyone was very supportive. My mom told me not to base my relationship on her's and her husbands meaning if there was a problem in my relationship she wouldn't treat him any differently if we broke up.
We've been together for almost 7+ years now and very happy and hopefully one day get married. There is one thing that is bothering me though but at this moment I feel like my comment is too long and I will comment on it in a few days. Thanks for listening!

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Originally Posted By: BeABlessing
I am a little late on this comment, but better late than never. First off I just wanted to say that it's a huge comfort to know that I am not the only one dealing with this situation. I felt that I was the only one going through this situation and after reading everyone's comment, I feel a lot better that people are supportive of what people are going though.
Well my situation is my mom and I met my boyfriend and his dad at a party. My boyfriend and I (I was in my early 20's and him in his late 20's) started talking and got to know each other but before we knew it my mom and his dad were at the justice of peace getting married. We never told anyone that we were together b/c for me I didn't know how my mom would react, how people around us would react and if what I was doing being with him was morally and spritually wrong. People speculated but after 4 years I finally told my friends, my mom and his dad. It was a huge weight off my shoulder and everyone was very supportive. My mom told me not to base my relationship on her's and her husbands meaning if there was a problem in my relationship she wouldn't treat him any differently if we broke up.
We've been together for almost 7+ years now and very happy and hopefully one day get married. There is one thing that is bothering me though but at this moment I feel like my comment is too long and I will comment on it in a few days. Thanks for listening!


It's good to know that you're friends and family are supportive in your situation. To me, the relationship you're in is no big deal, and there should be no good reason whatsoever why people shouldn't be supportive.
I'm the one who started this thread & I am also surprised on how big it has gotten with the amount of different people in this type of relationship.
I always check this thread whenever I get a chance, so I'm interested in reading further what is bothering you. Hopefully we can be of some help!

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
I would love to hear stories about relationships that end on a happy note...anyone have stories?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Originally Posted By: BeABlessing
I would love to hear stories about relationships that end on a happy note...anyone have stories?


They're out there. Separate from my friends situation, my other friend's wife told me that she knew of 2 people from her hometown that were stepsiblings since they were teenagers.
After they both moved out of the house separately, they started hanging out with each other, and had the same group of friends too. They started dating, and now are happily married with 2 kids of their own. I don't know anymore details as far as how their family members and friends reacted, but I'm guessing most of them were cool about it.
I think most people are pretty level-headed and would be cool with it, so it's suprises me when some people aren't. So if you guys are in this type of relationship, I would be open, honest, and up front about it right from the start. There really isn't any reason not to, because you're not doing anything morally wrong. It's only ethically wrong if you 2 are pretty young and still living under the parent(s) roof.

My dad also became remarried to a woman who has a very pretty daughter. I wouldn't date her or get involved with her for no other reason than the fact that I know we wouldn't be compatible.
But if she had a much better personality and was more confident and mature, I would definitely consider it. It's a shame that she isn't as pretty on the inside as she is on the outside...she would be one hell of a woman. Then I too would probably find myself in the same situation as my friend and all of you.

Last edited by forcegx7; 04/07/07 08:17 PM.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
D
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
D
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
I am another who is glad to hear that I am not the only person dealing with this situation because I have been beating myself up about it for 4 years now. My mom married for the 3rd time 8 years ago. He has 3 kids, 2 boys, 1 girl. I was 25 when they married and was married myself. Her husbands kids all lived out of the house as well, they were 18, 25 and 21. When I was going thru my divorce, I spent a lot of time at my mom's house for support. Her husbands youngest son, had just turned 22 and him and his roommate hung out with his dad at their house often, we all began going out at times and hanging out. Well an effection began to grow between me and the son and we became involved. We hid it for about 6 months then our parents found out about it. They were a little shocked but not mad. It just took some getting used to. We dated for 4 years including lived together but broke up last Aug. Within the last month we have worked on trying to make it better again between us. I always said that if he wasn't my stepbrother I would have hit the jack pot. He's sweet, generous, loving, sensitive, responsible, funny. He is all of the things I wanted. But I have been fighting with myself about if it was morally wrong or not. I have a 10 year old daughter who loves him to death but I was always afraid that she would be made fun of like we have been in the past. I love him dearly and want to make it work but need to get over the fear of what other people think. He does not have that fear at all. He said he loves me and does not care what others say. We are not doing anything wrong! I wish I had the same attitude. It is nice to hear people say it is ok though and learn that it is not as rare or taboo as I thought. Thanks for all your stories, it helps me feel more confident in my decission.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
I completely understand how you feel DaniO. You definitely don't want to feel like an outcast but if your friends and family are supportive then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks b/c they aren't living your life. I keep reminding myself of that everyday. Especially since me and him have been dating for quite some time. I am extremely happy with him and for those people that don't know the "whole" story about us then I don't tell them b/c it's a very minute part of us. Those that do know, if they are my friends they won't care about it.
I have had a couple of guys say some terribly mean things about our relationship that has stuck w/ me. Being a strong Christian I have tried my hardest to forgive them but their words are always w/ me. But to be honest I think the only reason they said what they did was because they were arguing w/ my friends (their girlfriends) and they said anything they could to make them mad even if it was to my expense. Makes you realize that some people out there are just cruel and you are always going to find a bad apple in the bunch but you shouldn't let that stop you from being with the one that you love.
I have also been talking a lot w/ my mom about it (who is highly opinionated) and she told me that if she ever felt that it was morally, ethically or even spiritually wrong she would be against it. In fact she wants us to get married b/c we have been together for so long.
Well I hope my rambling helps a little and would love to hear more stories!

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
D
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
D
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
Things are actually going well with us. He is moving in soon. I think I have finally gotten to the point that I can say - "I don't care what anyone else thinks. I am happy" You are right, it is such a SMALL part of what we have. Our relationship is so good any more that it really does not matter. Anyone see "Because I said so" It ends with this same situtation. It wasn't weird in the movie!!! =}

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Hollywood has kind of dealt with the whole "stepsibling romance/relationship" on 1 level or another

I haven't seen "Because I said so" yet but others come to mind are:

Drives Me Crazy
Clueless
The Royal Tenebaums
Lovers of an Artic Circle

The first 2 were romantic comedies and didn't portray the relationship as weird either...and rightfully so
The other 2 conveyed the message that there shouldn't be anything weird about it or if you impose it as a taboo label on it, that is what causes the relationship to be tragic and not the relationship itself. And that is what I strongly believe...
haven't you all noticed yet?

If there's anymore movies that deal with "stepsibling" romance/relationship that I missing or unaware of, please share what they are.

Thanks!

Last edited by forcegx7; 05/19/07 04:02 PM.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
Another movie that had the same type of relationship was,
Lone Star State of Mind

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1
I am so happy I found this forum! I was looking stuff up on google and I found this site. I thought there was no one out there with my situation! It turns out a lot of people are going through the same thing!

Well I guess I have to say my story now..Me and him met before, we had the same friends. We never really talked..then my dad started dating his mom. We started hanging out a lot and we became really good friends. We lived under the same roof, I moved in and out and so did he. They eventually got married and we were totally against it and he married her for all the wrong reasons. They were really mean to me and him and just caused a lot of drama and we were even doing anything yet and they still havent found out. I knew he liked me and he knew I liked him that was going on for about 2 and a half years, and we never really said anything until about 6 months ago, we were laying down in his bed and we told each other we've loved each other ever since we've layed eyes on each other. So we decided to give it a try and it's been good and I'm really happy. His grandparents really like me and I think they kind of know whats going on.

Only thing is, keeping that secret..but alot of our close friends know, so it makes it a lot easier. As far as each others families they dont know..we suspect his grandparents do but I think they're fine with it. I've fought with my dad the whole time they were together, my dad was a good dad but i dont think so anymore. So I lost that do to his marriage, she really messed a lot of stuff up and ruined a lot of peoples lives. She loves drama and she loves to make a big deal out of nothing wich caused a lot of hard times. Me and him went through basically all of that together so I guess you could say we owe it to be together.

We're currently not living together, but were supposed to be moving out together by the end of august. I guess my advice is hold on, even through the tough times because together you two can make it. Sometimes you have to choose each other of your family, some people arent willing to do that. If they're wrong and they know it, then you shouldn't have to give that person up.

I gone through more things with him then I have on my own and I guess that's why we're so close. We understand each other, we love each other, we have the same views, it's like I met the other me. I think with other people situations, you're supposed to meet that person, unfortunately you met them in a difficult situation, but you can still make it work.



Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
"We understand each other, we love each other, we have the same views, it's like I met the other me. I think with other people situations, you're supposed to meet that person, unfortunately you met them in a difficult situation, but you can still make it work."

I completely agree BetterDays. I believe that if you have found your soul mate even through a difficult situation as w/ yourself, mine and many others to stay strong and not listen to those that bring you down because what matters the most is you and your significant other smile


Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
You know it just seems to be getting more and more difficult for somebody to find that apecial somebody in their lives.
So, so what if you find that under these types of circumstances!
People just need to live and let love live.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
F
Gecko
OP Offline
Gecko
F
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 711
The fact that this thread has received as many views as it has so far compared to most of the other threads in this category can probably attest to the fact that there are many more people than we think having a relationship or considering to have a relationship with their "stepsibling."
As you read throughout this whole thread, we have had some newcomers who found this by searching online for help, advice , and feedback regarding this situation. I'm hoping that the existence of this thread has help all of you, and will continue to do so.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
I'm very excited to say that I am finally engaged! We have been together for 7 years and I have the support of my family, his family and our friends. I'm lucky to have found my soulmate. Things definitely happen for a reason when you meet someone even if it is through an unconventional way smile

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
I've been struggling with this for about five years and I don't know how to handle it.

My parents split when I was 16 and after many suicide attempts, my father got healthy and met a nice women. She has two children, a girl who is one year older than me, and a boy who is a year yonger. When my father was first dating her I never saw her kids because I was never around enough and neither were they. My dad and his girlfriend got engaged and decided to build a house together. After a few years, the house was built and they moved in. By this time, myself and the boy were in college and began seeing eachother during holiday times when we both had off from school. There has always been sexual tension between us and one night we were watching tv and he held hands. I had always had a little crush on him but never thought it would go anywhere. Nothing happened more than just holding hands, but the tension built. I thought not much of it although my crush on him never went away. I had two serious boyfriends since then and one so serious that I almost moved accross the country to be with him. Right before I was to move I visited my future step brother and we kissed. I brushed it off as he was going to miss me and gave in a little to the tension. I ended up not moving and breaking up with my boyfriend. Since then my relationship with my now step brother has become very physical. Whenever we are at the house together we become physical.

We have discussed how we like eachother but he just can't get passed the fact that I'm his step sister. Our parents know that we like eachother and encourage it, as they have always seen the attraction between the two of us. We are both adults and out of college and I am beginning to realize that I have loved him since I met him. We in no way grew up together. I know it's more than just physical but I don't know if I can convince him, or get him to be willing to give us a real shot. It is so obvious when we are around eachother that we genuinely love eachother. Even his grandparents (my new step grandparents) asked if we were dating by the way we look at eachother and the way we are around eachother and they also fully support us.

I know the odds are stacked against me and I feel there are only a few outcomes to this.

1. I stop myself from being physical with him because I want more and he can't get passed it. If this happens I feel like I will just supress my feelings for him and it will take a lot for me to find happiness with someone else and I will always long for him (as I have been for the past 5 years.)

2. I persue him and either it works out between us and we as a couple are accepted by others, or it doesn't work out and I realize that it won't ever work.

I dont know what to do.

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,901
Likes: 1
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,901
Likes: 1
This is a touchy subject I know. I personally could never be with my step brother because I have watched him grow up the past 11 years our families have been blended together. He was 13 when our parents got together and I was 22. So there is our age difference too. So he is truly like a brother to me becasue he was a kid when they got together. Your situation is a little different. You guys were older. If no one in the family has a problem with it, then why not. Although it would be ackward to explain to outsiders "This is my husband, who is also my step brother". When you are asked how many siblings do you have, how would you answer that. I think that would be the only ackward thing about the situation


Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
http://womenslit.bellaonline.com
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
Here's my advice Andilizz..there is this thing called "too much information". When I talk about me and my guy I tell them we met at a party (which is true) and that my dad passed and his mom passed and that's it. When people ask how many siblings I have I tell them about my full brother and my 1/2 siblings and that's it. People who don't know my situation don't need to know my situation. If you look at your current friends do you know about their parents, their siblings, their family? I only know what they tell me. As far as my friends and family who do know the situation, if they love you they will accept the situation. They know that you 2 didn't grow up together and your not blood related. Why do people make it out to be such big deal. It's not like your marrying your 1st cousin!!(That's a whole 'nother forum) You are very lucky that your family encourages it b/c mine did as well and that's why our relationship has gone as smooth as it has. It's your life and you need to be happy. Would it matter as much if you and your guy met before your father and his mother? Most likely not...people meet under weird circumstances but if it's meant to be it's meant to be! I married my soul mate and I'm very happy and I hope you will be as well.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
I'm brand new to this site, I found it while searching on google for "Step Siblings that fall in love" a few months ago and stumbled onto Andilizz page, and through that found this one just today. I haven't read many people's responses to this post as of yet, but it does bring a tremindous relief to know I'm not the only person here struggling with feelings for their step siblings.

My mom married a wonderful Christian man 4 years ago, and he just so happens to have an incredible Godly and extremely handsome son (that is only a year younger than me) that I had instantly had a crush on the moment I met him. He had issues with the "step sibling" title, so nothing happened... at first. I tried to not think about it, and have focused on viewing him as a brotherly figure that I have great respect for. More than that, he has been my absolute BEST guy friend, which in all honesty is extremely rare for me to keep a close friendship with guys. Anytime he's in town, or "living" with us, him and I have a blast, and talk about deep meaningful things. I feel completely comfortable around him, I can tell him anything and know he isn't going to use it against me, and am always myself around him. He has felt the same way as it has been obvious when we hang out together. We have so much in common, yet he continues to inspire me. No matter what though, I have always felt very differently about him than I do my other step brother who I see completely as being my kid brother. I always knew I had strong feeling for him, especially when I caught myself comparing him to every guy I have liked since meeting him, but even tried to deny it from myself. My step sister though has recently confessed to me that she always knew, and I thought she did. She always would look at me, just stare at me, whenever he would pull up the driveway, or anytime we would bring him up in a conversation, or when we would hang out all together. I didn't think he had feelings for me at all, until a few months ago just weeks before he moved back home. We ended up cuddling with each other, (very innocient as I desire to wait to experience the joys of marriage until my wedding night, and he did too.) But it happened almost everynight we'd hang out for the last few weeks he was here. We didn't share anything with our parents about it, but they already knew as they plegued us with tons of questions about how close we had gotten. (We had thought they would be upset, but as I have found out on my own they aren't in the least, but are wanting us to only wait on God.) We did talk about it a lot during those last few weeks, but what I hated was we brushed it off as if satan was using this to bring us together only to pull us apart in our friendship. I know we both were pretty confussed being in the midst of it, not knowing anyone else who was or had been, but I must admitt that I feel a strong peace about it, as crazy as it may sound to some. Since meeting him I have always gotten encouragement about us being together (other than a few words from my mom a few months ago, which I don't think she meant.) He, however, I don't think (*think* being the key word) has as much other than by his sister. I haven't heard from him much since he's moved away, which at first really scared me as I thought I was loosing my best friend, but then God used my step dad to bring me back to reality that he is struggling with daily life back home, and just to wait. That has helped, because that I can understand. Our biggiest thing we told each other before he left was we DO NOT want to cause any damage to our friendship because it's so special to us both. But I think that's how a lot of people who become best friends then fall for each other usually feel. (I wouldn't know completely, I haven't ever been in a "official" relationship yet! * Yes me! 23 years old, and still single. * I've been waiting for the right guy God has for me, and I can tell you he has everything in him that I am looking for in a future husband, but if it's not God's will then I wouldn't want either of us to get held back or take a wrong chance. Does that make sense?)
Ive just been struggling for a while, and it took me a while to get use to him not being here, or being able to talk to him about it. I have fully relied on God, which I know is right and exactly as it ought to be, but I confess I miss him a lot. No duh, lol. It was easier dealing with this when it was just me having these feelings, but now he has or had feelings for me, which makes it even harder now. I must be holding out for that chance... that hope dwelling inside. I don't know if he still feels the same, or if he's completely moved on. He did meet someone a month ago, but it didn't work out. We have both encouraged one another that God has someone special for each of us, but does that mean I should completely let go of that hope of us being "that special someone" for each other?

Maybe I'm just a silly girl, wishing for the one thing I should know I can't have.

I don't know. . . but that's my story - our story. It's a relief to share this with others who can relate, I haven't shared it with hardly anyone else that I know.
I at least hope and pray it has helped someone else. I could still use a lot of prayer about this situation, advice, and encouragement if anyone is still willing to share?

God Bless

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 15
E
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
E
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 15
Thanks for sharing, I'll check this out.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
I haven't checked this in a while but since my last post, I did get married and it was awesome to be able to share my love with all my friends and family. I think ,Tirzah7, that is awesome that you talked to your mom and his dad and didn't keep it to yourself. It became a lot harder to tell my friends and family b/c we didn't tell anyone for several years. I truly believe God brought us together b/c there were many signs there that I knew it was right. And my favorite quote from my pastor is "You are not here to please everyone, but you are here to please God." Don't give up hope on each other b/c if it is meant to be it will happen. And don't worry about what people say b/c your true friends will stick by you and that's who you need smile

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
BeABlessing,
Wow, what a God thing to get on and see your response today! I haven't been on here since my last post, but so much has happened since then. I had written down everything that happened, but it is long and I've been trying to decide if I should share it, or if it's too lenthy and detailed. However, this whole bulletin is meant for us who fall in love with our step siblings, and whoever else gets on here needs all the encouragement, and support they can get from our own personal stories. I know how much it has helped me to read many peoples posts on here, and to hear BeABlessing that you are married to your step brother after 7+years does wonders to my own fragile and scared heart! You're encouragement, and happy ending has given me a reason to hope, and it's such perfect timing as all of the MAIN things that has happened between my step brother and I have occured during this last week. So, I apologize for how long and detailed it is, (and the occasional mispelling and sloppiness of writing), but I want to share my entire heart on here so maybe someone else too can be encouraged just as you have encouraged me. I'd love to talk to you more about your's and your husbands relationship, and how you two handled it together, especially because I can relate to you as a Christian woman as well as for falling in love with our step brothers.

So here's our story since my last post in October 18, 2008...

This is my first chance to get back on and check this site out, and it was definitely God's perfect timing too. You see, he moved back in January, and he knew I had strong feelings for him. Last month he took me aside and told me he didn't share my feelings, but he did it in such a sweet and tender way, (he's an amazing Godly man like that, very understanding and sweet, yet manly too.) It was difficult to hear, but immediately God came through and gave me peace to leave it up to him. This last week we went to FL to see his family, it was such an incredible time too. We ended up cuddling, and he confessed he had feelings for me. (I made sure I wasn't just dreaming, and asked him like 3 or 5 different times within the past week. lol) During that week in FL, just one random day while driving in the car with his sisters, I realized that I was in love with him and felt an overwellming peace. It hit me hard, because even though I cared deeply for him, I had a hard time throughout the past few months imagining him and I being together, if that makes since? I think it's because we've gotten so comfortable being best friends, and step sibblings its hard to imagine anything else. We'd cuddle only at night, so during the day it was different yet I still had those strong feelings, I can't quiet explain it. But this past week that all changed... I can't see myself with anyone BUT him.
Apparently during that trip I found out that EVERYONE in his family knew about it, and were ALL supportive about the idea of him and I if it happens. One of his sisters that he really respects and sees as a best friend (who is also one of my best friends too) got after him and told him not to break my heart by leading me on if he doesn't have any intentions of being with me. Once we got home, he was at work yesterday and his mom called him. She too immediately started talking to him about the exact same thing his sister had said. It took him by suprise... so after I picked him up from work, I knew something was up with him, and he immediately told me he didn't want to lead me on, and sees me as a friend and sister. That hurt alot hearing that, because I couldn't understand why he would say that when he told me he had feelings for me. We had a VERY LONG conversation about how I felt about him, and some of how he felt. I ended up confessing to him that I am in love with him, which I've never told any guy before. He asked what I saw thinking of him and I together, and I told him I saw a future. That we'd get into a relationship, and get married. I even explained that I imagined we'd get married on the beach (which is his dream place to be married too), and I would have this beautiful dress I'd wear for him. He was really quiet for a long time, and didn't know what to say. I spent the majority of the day crying, being terribly depressed, while I drove my mom around town to help her get her business done for the day. I read some devotionals throughout the day, and one of the main ones that sticks out to me is from a book called, "God Calling," and the thing I remember most is the phrase, "Trust and Wait." I've been spending every moment in prayer since our trip to FL, and have been yeilding my heart for him to God. God even gave me another phrase to say, "God, I love you more." Just like from the movie Fireproof when Caleb smashes the computer that was full of tempting porn on it, and left a bundle of red roses and a card that read "I love you more" sitting next to it for his wife Catherine to read. It has helped tremendiously to teach me to yeild everything to God, putting him first above all else.
Later that night, we were driving off to WalMart together, and he shared with me a little of the conversation him and his sister had that night about what she always hated guys doing to her. He made sure he pointed out how much she loves me, respects me, and looks up to me, and how she always stands up for what is right instead of taking sides. His mom called, asked him how I was, and immediately wanted to talk to me to encourage me and tell me I could call her anytime to talk, and that she loved me. (I absolutely adore his family) Once we were heading home, I decided to bring up a question that had been bothering me all day. I asked him why if he didn't have feelings for me, did he tell me he did? He didn't answer me for a long time, but when he finally did he said that he DID have feelings for me, he just couldn't see us being together. At night he could, but during the day he saw me as his friend. (Sound familiar? ... I thought so, but haven't said anything yet.) I thanked him for sharing that, and told him that helped a lot knowing a guy like him could like a girl like me. He told me he didn't think he was much of a great guy like I make him out to be, but I told him that compared to every guy I've ever known, and I knew some great Christian guys before too, NONE of them can hold a candle to him. He started crying and said his best friend was like that too. (His best friend commited suicide about a year and a half ago, this was also his sisters former boyfriend too. It was devestating to the entire family, but they all know he is with the Lord.) I ended up pulling the car over, and we had a long talk about his best friend, and the pain he was still and always will deal with from the loss of him. I apologized to him for letting satan get a hold of me with what had happened earlier that day, because it was nothing in comparison to what he was dealing with. That moment completely opened my eyes to God, and realized how much I had let satan decieve and blind me from God, and how much this wonderful man needed encouragement and support too.

Since last night, I have had nothing but peace still about my love for him. I know it came from God, and somewhere deep inside I still believe he is the one God has for me. I wouldn't dare say that outloud, especially because I'm not one to admit to things like this and confessions of love unless I truly mean it and know it to be true, but it only came from God. I know too well the difference from my own quirky hope to God's assurance and grace. He told me he wanted me to meet a great guy right away, or at least start talking to one, but I told him I'm going to spend this time as my Honeymoon time with God instead.

It's just like you said, if he truly is the one then it will happen, and it will ONLY be of God!!! If someone would have asked me this time last year if he would have ever have feelings for me at any point in time, I would have answered no without hestitation. Yet, here he is confessing he cares for me. That is proof that God has his hands in this whole thing, but right now neither one of us are truly ready for eachother if we're meant to be. I want to spend this time with just God anyways, as in the last 2 years I did nothing but push God away because of bitterness due to my first real broken heart. That's a whole different story... lol. My step brother is the third guy I have ever fallen in love with, God being the first, and I have only confessed my love to both God and him.

No matter what God decides to do, I am completely content with God's decisions. I love him first and foremost in my life. He has NEVER left or foresaken me, not once. Everytime I've called out to him, he's been there for me, even in his silence, I know he's there. I just want God's ultimate best for both him and me, and for each of us to be a vessle for the Lord to use. Wether that's together, and/or seperate.

I'm not quiet sure where to go from here, or if I should talk to him more about everything, or just stay quiet, or should I just let it all go? I am definitely going to continue to be there for him as his best friend. There's a song that I heard tonight while watching Fireproof, and a part of the lyrics says, "Love is not a fight, but its something worth fighting for."

Please keep us in your prayers if you wouldn't mind?
Thank you!

God Bless



Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2
M
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
M
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 2

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
I will definitely be praying for you, your step brother, and your situation! I think it is good that God reviled to you that Nick wasn't the one he has for you, and that he blessed you with Marcus. It DOES save you many painful years, I know a few people who were with the wrong person and have stayed for way too long, and are/were very unhappy. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that though, but I believe God allows us trials to make us stronger, and bring us something better through it.

How you were discribing your love for Marcus, and what you admire in him, reminds me how I feel for my own step brother. Being step siblings who love/care for eachother while living in the same house is difficult, scary, and confusing. But, don't let fear and confussion hold you two back from each other especially when you want to be with together! There's a quote I recently found that I like especially to us in these situations... "Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you." ~ Roger Ebert
We can get confused by life, and the standards of the world, but if our heart is telling us one thing we ought to listen to it. We aren't use to hearing about step siblings falling in love with eachother, and end up with a happily ever after. There were no fairy tales regarding that kind of love, and no stories or movies ever writen about it. (Well, except for "Because I Said So" and "Clueless." Yet even those didn't touch on the fact they're Step Siblings, and what happens in the long run for them!) The main idea we got about step siblings is that they're evil, like in Cinderella, yet that is so untrue.

It is good that you two want to take things slow, but again don't let it be fear that holds you two back from being together, but ONLY for the right reasons. For the world will never fully understand our own personal hearts, only God does as he created us exactly as we are now, and wrote our stories before the world even exsisted.

I love my step brother, and he is the only man I have ever confessed that to. Him telling me he was confussed by our situation and due to how he sees me during the day that he couldn't see us together hurts badly because I know how God could use us, and that we're perfect for eachother... but what is even more painful is that he recently confessed to me he is in love with a girl he met online that he's been talking to for almost two years now, even though I told him I want him to be happy no matter what, and I believe this girl is best suited for him compaired to any other girls he has liked before. Yet, for the past week I know his smile, laughter, and carefree nature is all because of her, and not me. How he feels for her, is exactly how I feel for him. How crazy he's going not being able to be with her, is how I feel about not being with him. This past week we have not talked as much, there has been more silence between us than ever before. We were always able to talk so freely, and openly to eachother about everything, anything, and nothing at all. I have to say it's mostly me, because it's so hard to be around him knowing I'm the only hoping for a happily ever after with him, and imagining that girl being his Sleeping Beauty instead of me. Everyday, God brings something else to my attention through this... like, just as my step brother rejected me (sweetly, but still), I too have rejected God's love for me. I mean, I've always loved him, but more as in a really good friend kind of way instead of as a lover and husband. Instead I have put my focus and poured out all my love for another, just as my step brother is doing now for this online girl. So it has been an inpact on me with my real personal relationship with God, and I am now falling in love with him, and thinking of him as my husband. Which can be hard seeing that you don't normally think of God as a romantic lover, but rather someone you have to fear. I've also been being attack with feeling ugly, fat, and unattractive. I have convinced myself that I don't live up to something, and that's why my step brother doesn't love me. If only I was thinner like the other girls, if only I had more of a glow about me, more positive, had a smaller nose like he likes, or something... then maybe he'd be encaptivated by me like I am with him. But no, that's a lie. I've been reading a book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Man, that is an INCREDIBLE book, a MUST READ to ALL women!!! Heck, even men should read this!!!! lol. With that book, and all the things I'm going through with my step brother still being in love with him, there is a verse that Stasi and John share that is a HUGE verse to me. So it shocked me when they brought it up, it was one that God brought fiercely to my attention during my high school years, and again now that I'm in love with my step brother... the verse comes from Song of Songs, (which is my absolute FAVORITE book in the bible, and is ALL about love, making love, being in love, romance, and all that beautiful blessing.)

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

This verse is mentioned three different times in Song of Songs, (2:7, 3:5, 8:4), and when something is mentioned three times that means it is CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT!!!

How I view this for me is that if God does have my step brother for me, than it's not time, and if I tried to force it now it would shatter any possibility of us being together in the future. Or, if he isn't the one for me, then I just need to keep waiting and trusting God, because he's preparing that one for me and neither one of us are ready yet. If I tried to find him too soon, I'll find Mr. Second Best and fall for him, rather than THE BEST.

I want to marry my step brother, but more than my own happiness and hearts desire, I want him to be fully and completely happy. If this is what God has for him, then so be it. Though, everday I feel a piece of my heart shatter more, every time I see him, or hear him nearby, I shatter a little more. I ache, and all I want to do is hear him say again that he has feelings for me, and then cuddle with me, knowing he truly means it. However, I even can see I'm not ready for a committed relationship. If I got in a relationship with him, it would have to lead to marriage, soon, and neither one of us are ready for that yet. So it is good that we aren't together then, but it still doesn't make the pain go away. That's something God's going to have to get me through.

I'm sure this all sounds like a jumble of words which I'm so sorry about, I promise I'm trying to make a point, while sharing my own slim experience with this at the same time! lol! But, what I'm trying to say is this... if this is the man God has for you, then don't hesitate to be together when you're both ready to be, no matter your situation. Yet, don't jump into anything too soon, or it won't work out. I don't know if you have a relationhip with God or not, but I can guarentee you he has your best interest in mind, and longs to pour his love to you and your step brother, and bless you both! All I can say is, just trust God, pray, and wait for him to show you what he has for you both.
"... And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." - Philipians 3:15

(I'm not writing this to you to preach at you or anything, but to encourage you in your situation, and your love for your step brother. God has been the only one who has proven his ultimate passionate love for me, and that no matter what I do or what may come, he will never leave nor foresake me. He is on my side, and he has been the main one to encourage me in the love I have for my step brother. I kept a LOT of what I felt about my step brother a secret from everyone because I didn't believe they would understand or agree, and it forced me to go to God with all my secrets, and it has been awesome with him.)

I want you to know I'm here for you, and want to encourage you and Marcus together! Know that you have a friend who is going through a simular situation who is praying for you, and is on your side!!!

Good luck, and God bless!!!


Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
K
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
K
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
I'm so glad that I googled about this topic! I was 16 when my dad married my step mom. She had a son that was in his late 20s and a daughter that was a few years younger than him. I an count on one hand all the times that I've seen my step brother and step sister in the past 11 years or so. I am now 27 and I started dating a guy that just turned 37. I found out through facebook that he knew my step brother and sister. I friended my step sister, who is now 36-37, first and we started talking. I told my step mom, who I absolutely adore, that I found them on facebook. She told me that I should add E as well. I did and we didn't talk for awhile. I no longer see the man that knew them. The past couple of weeks E, who is 38 going on 39, and I started talking more and more. It started off as comments back and forth on eachothers pages making jokingly snide remarks. We then started emailing and chating in the IM. He and I exchanged phone numbers and started talking on the phone When we talked on the phone, we talked for hours. And we agreed that it was sad that we've known eachother for so long, but never really gotten to know eachother. We decided that we needed to get together and hang out. A few nights ago our IM chats started to turn into flirting. At first the flirting was questionable, but after awhile there was no question. We were diffently flirting. We then started to elude to eachother that maybe we were starting to like eachother a little more than we first thought. It got to the point where we finally gave up the IM and talked on the phone. We admitted that there was an attraction there, even though we haven't seen eachother in about 8 years. And we talked about if something were to happen between us how our parents and everyone in general would react. He told me before and stated again that he felt that we were too old for the whole step brother and step sister title, especially considering how old we were when our parents met. We know that my dad would kill him... My dad doesn't think much of him. We're not sure how his mom would react. Anyway, we agreed that we still wanted to see eachother. After that I was unsure if we were just going to be hanging out or if it was a date. We went out two nights ago. And it felt totally comfortable. Though I was sure that nothing was going to happen and if it did that it would be uncomfortable, but as the night wore on I found myself wanting to kiss him. I wanted to see if it would be uncomfortable. We soon got to the point where we didn't want to be at the bar anymore so we went back to my place to play some video games. Eventually we did kiss. It was everything BUT uncomfortable. It was amazing! We even made the comment that the kiss wasn't supposed to be that good that it was supposed to have been awkward. He ended up spending the night. That was amazing too. Afterwards he told me that as soon as him and I started talking that his sister and his grandmother both told him that something was going to happen between us. And he and I decided that we want to see where this goes and we made us official. I've gotten some critism from a friend of mine and she said that she thinks that it's a mistake. Another friend of mine is saying go for it. And he and I click on so many levels, like this could possibly be it. Yet I have this nagging feeling that he's my step brother and I shouldn't be feeling this way. My biggest concern being how our family will take it. E and I decided to just let them find out on their own. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1
T
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
T
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1
First, I want to admit that I feel a little weird being a guy on an obviously predominately girl site and, like a few people I've seen, found this topic and made an account just to respond to it. So, here's my story. And it's a long one with a lot to it. I come from a divorced family and have lived with my dad pretty much all my life. My parents have always lived 3-4 hours apart, so I haven't gone to my mom's much. They are both remarried now, giving me a step-brother and sister on my dad's side and a step-brother and two step-sisters on my mom's. My mom has been remarried for eight years and honestly from the moment I met the younger step-sister I liked her. I guess I would have been 12 and she would have been 10, so this was back when I still thought girls had cooties, so I never thought much of it. However, 5 years ago we kissed. At the time, it was amazing, but I realized what exactly happened later and realized how wrong it could be considered to the rest of the world and decided to try and keep it from happening again. Since then, I've been going to my mom's about for a week about twice a year and only seeing her for a weekend of that time since her mom has custody of her, but they live in the same town. It shouldn't have been hard to avoid. About two years later, I had a girlfriend. I had told her about what happened between me and my step-sister. I felt obligated to because she had told me about how her step-brother had abused her. I told her it wouldn't happen again, and while she believed me, she obviously still had doubts. It turns out, she was right to. I ended up cheating on her. Only kissing still, but cheating none the less. However, she seemed to forgive me and we were still very happy together, but I still can't help but wonder if that's part of why she ended up breaking up with me. After that, I started looking for anyone to put blame on, including my step-sister. When I went down to my mom's the next time, I wouldn't even look at her, and I know that hurt her. By this point, she had expressed her feelings for me, but I was still resistant. Half a year later, when I went down again, I had another girlfriend, but I realize now I wasn't happy with her, despite moving out of my dad's and into her mom's. This time, there was no resistance. This time, I went to my step-sister and apologized for the way I acted before and we ended up kissing again. This time, I resolved to try and break up with my current girlfriend, move down there, and give our relationship a chance. However, trouble came. Guilt set in when I got back home (which was with my girlfriend, remember) and basically, even though I never told her, I felt the need to make up for it. Well, sex ended up being my answer to that, and then I heard what most guys hate to hear. She ended up pregnant. I, however, was excited at first. I love kids and, honestly, wanted a baby. I stopped talking to my step-sister for a while again to try and focus on the baby. I wanted to be around for the pregnancy, but the baby's grandma started making things hard and I ended up moving back with my dad, which only made things worse. Since then, I've hardly seen the baby's mother, although it's still mostly the grandma that's coming between us. That's basically a relationship I've given up on. I still wanted to be around for the baby, but I realize now I'm never going to have a good relationship with him. That situation is resolving itself, so it's not the topic of discussion and I'd rather not talk about it. Anyway, I've been at my mom's more this year, once for a festival and another, my sister's wedding. (My only, older, whole sister who lived with my mom.) Since then, I'd given up fighting my feelings for my step-sister entirely. We'd been talking a lot and pretty much had a long-distance love relationship and one time I went down recently, things went a just little further than just kissing. I told my mom, who was approving, and she told a couple friends of her's, who were approving as well. And I am moving down there soon, for a lot of reasons, though. More trouble came when she started to tell her brother and sister, also steps to me. They started to make fun of her and call it incest. She's very close to them, so she took it really bad and started questioning it all. So, I'm actually down here now and she even has a boyfriend, which I have yet to meet, but my feelings are the same as they've always been. I've been around her, but she avoids looking me in the eye and I can't help but thinks it's because she's afraid of how she feels about me now. Every time I caught her eye before, she'd get embarrassed, blush, smile, and look away. I'm 20 now, and she's 18, and yes, I realize that's young. That's why I tried to point out my past. One happy 2-year relationship and another short unhappy one that ended with a pregnancy. I know to take things slow and careful now and that there are still things to sort out, but I can't help but think until her and I try and I have that proof, that closer you could say, there's always going to be that chance that I'll just cheat again and I don't want to do that anymore.

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 66,288
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 66,288
To all the newbies here, Welcome to the forum.
We hope that yous will enjoy your stay!
Rosie


Rosie L
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
KK82,

I know this has been months since your post so I don't know how things are going b/w you 2 but I would definitely tell your parents if you want to continue to take the relationship forward. The longer you string it out the harder it will be to tell them. And I'm sure they aren't naive to the fact that there could be something (that is unless they hardly see the both of you). But that is just my opinion b/c I know it was harder to talk to my mom about the situation even though she was fine w/ it (and knew something was up).

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1
A
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
A
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1
Ok I found this looking up Step-Siblings in love.. to see how &quot;normal&quot; or un-normal it is.. Here's my story, I met the love of my life at almost 14 years old. I was living with my dad at the time, and had been for about two years. My mom who has seizures and was a recovering alcoholic was straightening herself out was getting married to a man who had two sons. David almost 20, and Anthony just turned 18. Well at first I was overblown by the idea my mom was marrying again and in a very short time. When I first met my soon to be stepdad, we went to their house and there was David sitting in a recliner smiling at me... and his friend who I thought was Anthony at the time was sitting on the couch. Anyway.. well after meeting and I started talking to David he was very shy at first but me being so open and outgoing I kind of open his shell a little bit and I mean we stayed up talking to like four in the morning. We hit it off very well. Well before our parents even married I had been visiting on weekends, we was flirting which I kept telling myself this is odd he's so much older and he is about to be my step-brother. Well later on he took me to help him move stuff cause they was all moving stuff to my moms house. Anyway.. while we was over there we was flirting and some how I pulled him to me and kissed him.. This was just a peck on the lips. Well after it was over he pulled back and said well that was unexpected.. We liked each other no doubt. Well after that we ended up really close things got physical behind closed doors when no one was around we kept it secret. Few months later I moved back in with my mom. I really moved back in with her because I hated feeling like I was in prison with my dad and step-mom. I was pretty much the maid in their house with all my other half siblings over there. But David was a plus haha. Anyway we kept pursuing our relationship, in secret. We didn't know what our parents would say me being under aged and well the fact that we are step-siblings. It was very hard, It also put strain in our relationship. Later on it became obvious to our parents we were so close. We still kept in denial and even broke up and got back together a lot. I dated other people my age.. and he tried to date other people as well. Which caused jealousy with both of us. Well about 3 1/2 years pass our parents are fighting and on the road to divorce. David had moved out with his friend Roger and moved back in. Well my mom and his dad ended up divorcing. David left and with my mom with a restraining order on my step-dad I wasn't allowed to see David so we kind of broke up. Months and Months pass, I was dating someone else... I seen David with another girl my age and the thought made me angry and jealous which is bad considering I was with another guy as well I don't know this girl always felt like competition for me I guess cause they had always been friends sort of... But they wasn't dating anyway I would try to call him but couldn't speak. By this time I'm 16 years old.. and since my mom was having her issues again I moved in with my grandma. Well eventually he knew it was me and would ask me to talk to him please? Well I talked and we told each other we missed each other even just as friends.. and I asked my grandma if I could see him she allowed it. We were back again but just as friends being that I was with someone else. Well months later passes and my bf and I broke up. So then later David asks me out and after that we was official. Our family knew about it and was fine with it. Six months later I became pregnant, at this time I am almost 18 and a Jr. in high school it was scary, but David took full on responsibility and I couldn't have asked for a better man to be the father of my child. Well 8 months after my son was born we got married. At first our marriage was rough and well we had tough times where we even separated. But I think all marriages can have their struggles we now been married for almost four years as of this May and we love each other now more than ever. We have two kids and are living happily. I think sometimes this can be a happy ending and I wish all the other ones who are in this situation find happiness. Don't be afraid to try even tho the whole step-sibling thing can be a burden I dont even tell new people I meet that he once was my stepbrother. The only time this ever even comes up is when people ask us how we met... Which can seem awkward.. But I guess I better own and accept it!!!!!

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
B
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
B
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 10
I really like your story acupit5. I've been on this forum for years and its interesting to hear the different stories and I'm glad that yours has such a great ending (not really ending b/c you continue your lives together). My husband and I have been married for a couple of years and are expecting. It's exciting and I wish the best for all the couples who have similar stories as ours. It's nice to feel like youre not the only ones out there going through this and that it's not as big of a deal as other people make it out to be smile

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
R
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
R
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
I'm pretty sure that British law has detail in it so as to prohibit marriages between people who have lived 'as siblings' or as 'parent and child'. The prohibition stands even if there is no biological link or marriages confirming the relationship, the two people simply have to have lived in roles in which marriage would be prohibited were those roles actually genetic in nature (eg. siblings, parent and child).

I don't know if this is true of other countries? In Britain also you can only marry someone who has at some point being your father-in-law or mother-in-law (also of course daughter-in-law or son-in-law) once both other interested parties are deceased. So I could only marry my current father-in-law once both my husband and my mother-in-law were deceased. Only when you come to apply to get married do you find out just how descriptive the law is :-D

Page 1 of 15 1 2 3 14 15

Moderated by  Nina - Siblings 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Make It Sew Easier
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 03/27/24 04:34 PM
2024 - on this day in the past ...
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/27/24 01:31 PM
Planner Template Kit - Weekly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:39 PM
Planner Template Kit - Yearly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:37 PM
How to Use Digital Planner Template Kit
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:36 PM
Review - 20 Illustrator Color tips Helen Bradley
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:32 PM
March Equinox to June Solstice
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/26/24 12:27 PM
Hobotrader unleashes never seen opportunity with i
by Jamal molla - 03/26/24 11:55 AM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 03/25/24 09:05 AM
Genealogy, Sort of
by Angie - 03/24/24 05:39 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5