BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings 'Step-siblings" Romantically Involved - Your say

AimeeMea,

I don't think that it's wrong to hope things don't work out with you step brother's current relationship, what would be wrong is if you were trying to manipulate his relationship, him or his significant other to try to get him back. I can tell you from experience that this behavior causes more damage than anything else and may very well ruin your chance or at least delay having any kind of relationship with him. I would probably be with my step sister right now if we hadnt both isisted on playing our stupid mind games, but we were young and stupid and perhaps things have worked out for the best. I still believe that if things don't work out with your brother's relationship, and he comes back to you, you will have a host of unique problems, but i also believe that Love is the most important thing, i think other people make love too complicated and just can't let go of other things. Money, Kids, Opinions of friends and family, these things, though important should not decide whether a relationship lasts or not, people tend to forget what's really important when these and other factors get thrown into the mix. Anyway, on my end, i spoke to my stepsister today, told her i'm coming home to visit and that i want to talk to her, she said "ok" practically before i finished saying what i was saying so i get the feeling she's got some things to say too, hopefully it won't end badly, we've got a good friendship going and i'd hate to see it end by bringing up buried feelings, but i feel it's something that needs to be done.

Good luck with your talk Toxic. I hope that things work out the best way possible for you.
You are correct though, if we were to decide to be together one day, we would run into a whole new set of problems. All relationships have problems of one kind or another. Acceptence from family would and always has been our biggest hurdle that we will probably never overcome, thus, we will never be together. But that's ok. (Honestly it is) I've grown to accept my fate and don't mind it.
If I sound like I am encouraging this kind of relationship, please know that I am not. The incredible pain and heartache I have went through over the past 7 years wasn't worth it. Unfortuantely, love knows no boundaries....
But I have to disagree with you Toxic, love is not the most important thing. You can have love, but no trust. You can have love, but no compassion. You can have love, and no communication. Those three things I believe are key in making a relationship work. See, I do love my soon to be ex husband; but we did not have ANY of those three factors. Therefore, our relationship failed after only 3 months of marriage.
Thank you for your response! I hope to hear from you again!

it sounds like all of us pretty much have the same problems in this type of relationship repeated over and over again. and the thing about women going to other men to hide their feelings is true...especially in this situation. i know for me, it used to be a game with my step brother. i would have other guys or mention other guys to see if he cared. i knew if he got mad, he did and in some respect, it made me feel a little better. also, in this situation, most of us have to see the person again. we can't completely cut them out of our lives so we want our step sibling to see us as moving on, even if we're not. it sucks because no matter i think all of us will always compare other people to them. for me, part of why i can't seem to move on is because i've always liked the challange and my step brother is someone i knwo that i can never have. that mixed with love.

which the whole love part makes sense and is probably why this is common. me and my step brother used to joke becasue i'm exactly like my mom and hes exactly like his dad. our parents have great chemistry so immediately we had great chemistry..it just kind of makes sense.

toxic - how old are you guys now?

Sundreams: I am 25 and she is now 21, the last time we saw each other i was 23 and she was 19.

AimeeMae: I believe that love is still the most important thing, but both people have to love each other enough to put forth the effort to be Trustworthy, Compassionate and to communicate. I think it just boils down to how much you love someone, you can choose to be any of those things, you can even choose to be mature or immature. Point being, i know first hand that love can change all of these things, just in my case it was too late. But then most people never learn until it's too late.

I suppose you are right Toxic, you can choose to be those things or not. In order to choose those things, you have to be mature, which my soon to be ex is not. All those things I mentioned that you need in a relationship for it to work, other than the trust, was him. Because he did not communicate with me, and was not compassionate, or faithful; I did not trust him. My step brother and I had all those things. He was my rock and confidante... he still is. I haven't heard from him since he left for Japan; and I miss him terribly. Even after our relationship was demolished, we still had a very tight friendship, but buried inside the both of us are those "forbidden" feelings. He is 23 now, I am 21; in case anyone was curious. I don't know if you read my story Toxic but even that goes deeper. I DID try to commit suicide after we were "caught" and I was moved back to my mother's house and he was forbidden. It wasn't so much the fact that I was moved away from him that hurt, it was the fact that he was forbidden. We weren't aloud to see or even talk to eachother on the phone. We started talking over the internet and he was caught e-mailing me after a couple weeks and banned from the internet.
He suppressed his feelings by sleeping with a lot of other girls and getting married to the first one that he dated longer than a couple weeks, at the age of 18. As you read above; I played around. I shut my emotions down and refused to feel anything for anyone. I think that with both of us it's a constant "game" to show the other one that we can be happy with others. Not a game to hurt eachother, just one to basically tell the other one to move on and accept our fate. Again, we will probably never end up together and that is alright. He is supposedly happy with this other girl, and I am happy just being a single mother. Although..........

AimeeMae,

Here's a questions to you. Have either you or your step brother talked to your family about thier feelings regarding you and your stepbrother being togethor? In my case our family didnt care that we had feelings about each other or that we were togethor, they were more concerned with our age difference. Once she turned 18 they told us to do what we wanted to do, but the damage was already done. Now that she is with a total dirtbag, most of our family would like to see us get back togethor, She is the only reason we're not togethor actually, and she uses the most irritating line ever "I love you, i just can't be with you" and i have yet to figure out what that means exactly. Also your attitude of "i've accepted that we're never going to be togethor" is not acceptable to me. Maybe the probability exists that you will never be togethor, but you are still young yet and anything can happen over the course of your lifetime. So you should accept that you are not togethor now, and MAY never be again, but you should maintain hope at least. I also recommend that at the next available opportunity, you talk to your step brother and discuss how you really feel, and i'll let you know how my talk works out:)



James

I started this thread having a notion that this type of relationship exists more than we would think, but I never imagined this kind of response and dialouge. WOW!

I agree with you Forcegx7, i thought i was alone in my situation, it actually makes me feel alot better to know that there are more people out there going through the same thing. I also get the feeling that there are more people out there in this boat than we even think right now, just nobody knows it, maybe they don't even know themselves yet. But i believe that someday this type of situation will be viewed as common occurance and maybe those people will not have to suffer the same problems that we have, maybe thier relationships will have a higher success rate.

Toxic,
Maybe you are right. Maybe I should have higher hopes than I do. But, the hurdle that we must overcome may be too igh for my sanity. HIS mother is a horrible human being and has never wanted to accept us (my siblings and I) as family, although we are my father's children. That woman has made my life a living hell for about half my life and I couldn't bear to havee her as a mother in law. Of course I have talked to my family about it. My little sister is all for it, knowing that this is what will make me happy. My mom... I think could learn to accept it eventually. She's mostly worried about the abuse my step-mother has put us through emotionally increasing once I'm yet again part of her family, this time through the marriage of her son to me. My father actually told me last summer when I talked to him about it that "T" was an awesome step-son, and that he would probably make just as good of a son in law. So I guess when it comes down to it; my step mother is the biggest hurdle. I can't stress to you guys just how big hurdle she really is. There isn't enough time in a year to explain that woman to you all.
Yes, I felt pretty alone in my situation until I ran across this thread. I mean, I'd heard of it happening, but never really got to talk to anyone about it. The people I know for north of hear that had a positive experience with it really couldn't do much for me.
Thank you for your response! Maybe I should still harbor some hope in the matter! Definately let me know how your talk goes!

Yeah I agree with you. I myself strongly believe that this type of relationship should not be considered or deemed as forbidden or taboo. I do also realize that there are different dynamics involved in this relationship that may make it more challanging than your average relationship. So it's better if this relationship is pursued when they are both adults and have a better chance at communicating & working through these dynamics because in general you'll be more mature. I would assume that 2 16 year olds wouldn't have the maturity to handle the challenges & dynamics that come with this type of relationship.
Finally, I believe that it's the insecurities and harsh judgements and reactions of others that cause this relationship to have problems, and not the relationship's existence itself.
People need to get a grip, live their own lives, mind their own relationships/business, and at the same time be more supportive of their friends and family's decisions.
This is not incest we are talking about here. It's a relationship between 2 people that are not at all blood related.