BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings 'Step-siblings" Romantically Involved - Your say

Sundreams, yeah I was the one with the friend's going through this. Basically not too much has changed. It's still has been a struggle for both of them. They are both still trying to repress their feelings which I assume is making them miserable. They don't talk much. My friend always makes sure she's not at his dad's house when he visits. He tries to avoid her as much as possible because he's trying so hard to move on. I've been his best friend when dealing with this because I don't want it to see it turn into a Royal Tenenbaums situation. The whole thing is almost a spitting image of that movie.
Whether or not they land up together again, i don't know. I personally have never seen them happier than when they were so I'm hoping for it even if it's several years down the road

forcegx7 - sounds like my situation exactly .. and how many years apart are they? just out of curiousisty... and i've never seen that movie, but i might have to rent it.

sundreams104 - Can I ask how old you are?

I have been searching for a place to talk about this subject and I am so glad I finally found this forum. Ours is a 5 year story which I will try to tell briefly. At the time I met my present husband my kids were 19(son) and 14(daughter). His kids were 15(son) and 11(daughter). When my daughter and his son met they became interested in each other and soon began dating. We told them we did not think it was a good idea but decided that it would be better to let it go on than to have them sneak around.

They dated for 4 yrs and his son, at 19, decided to break up because he had found some one else. My daughter was devastated. This was her first love and she got very depressed, lost weight, the usual broken heart routine. But, because we are family, he is always around and she carries hope in her heart that he will come back to her. She has carried this hope for 2 yrs now and it is very frustrating to see her go on this way.

He has told her that he no longer sees her as a girlfriend, only a step-sister and he will not date her again. But he continues to call her and come over which makes it harder for her to let go.

I will stop there with the story and look forward to any replies. Advice, criticism, whatever! I know counselling is an option but at 20 yrs old, I think that should be her choice, I can only suggest it.

Well if the feelings were still shared by both, I would root them on & encourage the relationship to grow & thrive. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I don't think it was wrong for them to get involved. It just didn't work out. If maturity = the age in this case, then they are just too young to know how to deal.
I think it's mean to say to her that "I think of you as a stepsister now. He could of said that he considers her a good friend now instead.
The fact of the matter is, is that we all have gone through this. We have all broken up with somebody that we still have to continue to see or deal with day to day. For example, when I broke up with me high school sweetheart, I was crushed! I still had to see her everyday at school & also outside of school in social settings because her friends & my friends hung out. It was tough especially when she started dating one of my friends a bit later on.
As time passes, you accept it for what it is & you learn to appreciate the memory of the good thing that once was.
You realize that you're not going to die from it & eventually learn to move on.
As far as counseling goes, it may not be a bad idea.
As long as the focus is solely on learning how to deal with & move on from the relationship, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea.

debidoo61 -

I'm so glad to have you on this thread, your side of this situation is very valuable.

I feel for your family as it has been hurt beyond anything I could understand.

Throughout highschool we all have had our heart broken. We all have that one relationship that we wish would have turned out differently. The issue here is more complicated than that though because he now wants to be a step brother after the fact and isn't considering her feelings.

As a mother watching your child struggle with pain is unbearable, you just want to wrap them up with bubble wrap and make all the bad things go away with a kiss. As a parent the instinct to protect is strong, no matter how old the child is. The parent's heart breaks with the child's as they realize that they can no longer heal with a kiss.

My suggestion at this point is to take your daughter on a mother / daughter weekend. Bond with her, discuss your old broken heart stories, listen to her and help her by asking questions, not giving advice, to lead her to a healthy solution.

I would like to know more about your family and whether or not you have ever been able to blend it into a unit or if it is fractured. What are your husbands thoughts on this and has it effected your relationship with him? Were the children sexually involved while living under your roof?

forcegx7 .. im about to turn 20 and hes about to turn 25 .. which i think you said was the same exact age difference of your two friends.. i know its a big difference.. but im a mature 20 year old and hes an immature 24 year old..

debidoo - i wish i could talk to your daughter, because it sounds like we have a lot in common since i know how she feels with having to see him.. and not knowing how to deal with it..

Do they both live under your roof and how did their friends/ your family take this? because my family never even found out about my relationship with my step brother.

Hello everyone... I've been viewing your messages for a couple of weeks now and finally decided to join Bella and add to the thread. I found you in a frantic search for 'support' when I realized I was falling in love with my step brother!

This could be a very long story... but to fill you in about my family dynamics; I'm 31 and I have two step-brothers who are 22 and 35. Their mother and my father married some 15 years ago.

I've never been in the same household as I lived with my mother until I was 18 and have been on my own since that time. My younger step-brother and I have more of a sibling bond but the older step-brother and I were never really close until recently... it's just over the years when I visited my father my younger brother was always around, still in high school - I was in college/grad school... while the older step-brother, "T" (we'll call him T), was away in the military. He'd already left home when our parents married. I had barely even met him. Now T is back home, ending a failed marriage and... I'm wallowing in my lack of success to ever find love. We're both in need of the very thing we each want to 'give' to that 'someone special' that we're both lacking and craving. (if that makes any sense) Simply, we both desire true love... there was already love there between us... and recently we've shared the dynamics of what we are missing romantically. As he explained what he tried to give and wasn't appreciated by his ex-wife... it was the blueprint to the very things I've been looking for (and vice versa).

He's expressing his 'visions' of happiness and what potential he sees in a future together...he's thought it all the way through marriage and children... even building a ministry together. And all of these things are... EXACTLY what I've dreamed a man of his caliber would someday feel for and express to me! But instead of being able to relish in the blessing I'm overcome with guilt and shame! He seems to be able to detach the 'familial relation' so easily! But I still struggle with what is the best course of action for my ENTIRE family. And the heartache I feel comes from the perspective of awaiting 'the one' for SO LONG... never settling for a mediocre relationship, not getting married at the first chance to be married just for the sake of being married, but waiting for the chemistry that 'fairy tales' say exist (if you just believe, pray and wait)... and now that it has finally, FINALLY come...... I can't keep it! I can't even TOUCH it!

I feel like I'm going crazy... because the man of my dreams... came in the form of... my brother! Somehow I wish we had met before my father and his mother met... it's really hard to let go!

You are not related by blood - go for it!

When I originally posted this topic, I was just taking an educated guess when I stated that this type of relationship is occuring more & more. I never thought it would generate this many people who are having direct experience with this type of relationship.

Keep in mind, notice when a young couple are together where both of their parents (eithor widowed or divorced) meet through their kids. When this happnes, we never make a big deal out of it. So I basically think it's the same difference & there's no need to impose a double standard.

The only time I think the relationship should raise questions are only if they were raised together under the same roof since childhood. They would have more than likely established that sibling bond in that case. But even in that situation, you never know some of the details behind it so I wouldn't completely be against that either.

The first basic underlying fact that we all have to remember is what Susan Kramer said above, "You are not blood related."

If you happen to be teens under the same roof, I would personally try as hard as possible to put the relationship on hold until you both move out of the house & find another place to live either together or seperate places. At lease give the parents that much respect whether they are for the relationship or not.