good lord I got alot of company, sadly but also it helps to hear I am not alone. I was abused severly. My brother told me things I do not remember and now I know why I had blocked it, I can't even write what it was, not sure anyone would believe me anyhow...but anyhow, I am glad I found this site. I have been thinking of writing a book, to never be published but for me, to read bout my life and to get it OUT of my body before it turns into disease. I feel ashamed of what people did to me over the years, people who were suppose to be my family and church family, its just too much sometimes. I now understand why I pulled out my hair so long ago, and had no hair for a time, cause deep down I learned to take on others faults and pain and make them mine...always trying to make everyone like me and accept me...funny thing is that I never had real friends, just people who led me on, later felt I was too needy or too hurt and was abanonded.
TOday I am doing better, I am making friends, but they seem to be judging my choices to not be in contact with my family, of course they do not know my life and I rather not go there, I sometimes feel as if they think there must be something wrong with me cause I refuse to talk to them, one even invites me to church often, I think she thinks that I need god so that I can forgive...what people do not get is that for me to turn the other cheek is to in my honest opinion is to allow them to abuse me more, and to do damage to my family that I have now, that is healthy and happy, cause I Had WORKED myself to death trying to do differently and to educate myself.
My sister obviously wants to be the good guy and inherit everything, which she may...I want nothing. ALl I ever wanted was love and atteniton and that I never got, all I ever got was pain, lies and told how bad I am when I was just innocent child who was used and hurt beyond belief. My brother is violent, so of course I can't be close to him, no one seems to understand this, I guess unless you lived this you cannot really understand and you judge those who disconnect..all I know is that I amdone trying to get people to care, to understand and etc, all I get is judgement...
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