Does anyone have any thoughts or advice about learning to re-relate to abusive parents and family as an adult? These people aren't bad people, just misguided and manipulative (still). How do you create some sort of relationship with someone who damaged your self esteem as a child and who could continue to wreak havoc in your life if you were not strong enough to brush their comments and innuendo off?

When these family members are injured or ill, what do you do? If you can't or won't travel to be with them, how do you deal with the guilt that other family members try to place on you for not putting your life on hold to care for someone who once (and still does) hurt you? Should you be forced to take over the care of a parent in need no matter what they did to you as a child? Does family responsibility and obligation cancel out your rights/need to distance yourself to protect yourself?

How do you let it be "water under the bridge" without opening yourself up to fresh harm because you're allowing that what they did was "okay" with you and they can continue to act that way without risking alienating you after all?

Elle,
What you are asking is a hard question to answer. Personally, I would distance myself for my own health's sake and give myself the life I didn't have as a child.

Pain is unforgettable, whether physical or emotional.

Elle, I have been struggling with this same issue for about a month now. About 3 weeks ago my biological mother called me to "see how we are doing". I haven't talked to her since September of 2005. Long story. I had to cut her out of my life and my kids' lives. Her and I had an on off relationship since I could remember. She got sick in 2004. She is a severe alcoholic and does drugs. She wasn't feeling right for weeks. We were trying once again to be mother and daughter because I had just gotten away from my ex who was abusing me. We rushed her to the hospital one weekend. She was dagnosed with Hepatitis C that isn't contagious. She had a 20% chance of living through the night. By some miracle she made it. We got close til she started using me and manipulating the kids, even playing favorites with them. I had to cut her out once and for all. She called me a few weeks ago like I said, and I slipped into a depression for almost 2 weeks. I wrote a mean, hateful letter to her to finally tell her how I felt about what she did over the years to me and that I was putting astop to it because I couldn't protect myself when I was a child but I could protect myself now and I sure the heck wasn't going to let her tear my kids up too. I haven't sent it yet. I read it to 2 people and they think I should send it no matter how much it is going to hurt her to read it. I little itsy bitsy part of me feels guilty for writing it and wanting to send it. But it felt so good to get out on paper and out loud what she did to me, what she put me through and how I feel now. You have to do what makes you healthy and happy. If you are better off without them in your lives, then so be it. If your relatives don't understand why, oh well, let them be mad. You know what happened, you abuser knows what happened. You need to keep your sanity. *hugs*

Thanks for your responses - although it's not nice that others have been through negative child hood experiences too, it does make me feel better that someone else understands my frustrations.

Hugs back to both of you.

This morning I made a slight change to my perspective when I decided to make a commitment to only allow myself to "worry" about those members of my family on the days and time period that I have to interact with them. I want to stop stressing every day during the week about have to phone on Saturday for example. I don't know if it will work, but it seemed to click for me today.

From what I've read around the Internet, it seems very much like having an adult relationship with a formerly abusive parent is an all or nothing situation. Either one of you "gives in" - the parent reforms/behaves or the child takes the continuing abuse, and the relationship is there, good or bad - or you end the relationship? Do you think there's any way to have some middle ground or a superficial relationship? I'm trying to pull back from my family, but my family wants more and more from me.

I'm just chiming in here because I was abused as a child and have since ended all contact with my family.

I joined this forum so that I could take part in this dicussion.

I'm going to try to recount to you my experience with trying to reconnect with my parents, as it may help you:

- Throughout my college experience, I would attempt to have contact with my parents. Each time it would begin in a positive manner and end in abuse.

- I broke off all contact with my parents. It had been about 3 years since the last contact.
- Once my life was going well and I started to feel "normal," some part of me chose to forget what happened in my youth.
- I received a phone call from my mother, inquiring as to how I was, etc. I had forgotten that my mother was specifically not given my new number. I have since learned that my aunt gave it to her.
- I remember thinking it was nice that she wanted to know how I was. I told my friends (who had not been abused as a child) and they encouraged me to reconnect with my family.
- I went up to visit. I called and received calls from them frequently. Things were going well.
- One day, about two weeks later, my father called me to yell at me for something I had done at the age of 7. I instantly crumbled - many of the old emotions came back. I could not stop myself from crying at work, etc...
- I would receive calls from them on a semi-regular basis reminding me of things I had/was doing wrong with my life. "you haven't paid your student loans off yet?", "well I haven't met him but I'm not sure he's right for you" etc
- For several more months, things went on like this. They would yell at me for not doing a chore, even though I no longer live in their household, etc. I would often give in and do as they asked.

It took me a while to realize that the old cycle had returned and that I was under their "control" again.

I have since attempted to convince them that we should seek group therapy, but have been shot down. My parents think that if I want therapy, that's fine but there is no reason to involve them.

I realize that there is nothing I can do to mend our relationship. They dictate everything and if I listen... it's just the same thing over and over again.

I hope that you can find a way to work things out between you, but I have completely cut out my parents from my life.

If you choose to attempt to be with them, I urge you to be wary and not allow yourself to be abused by them again.

Thank you for sharing that, A Mouse. What a terrible and manipulative way to treat you. It doesn't sound like it's really possible for you to have a healthy relationship with them.

My hugs to you.

Thank you all for joining this discussion. Abuse endured as a child definitely could bring about strong feelings when it comes to whether or not the victim will have a relationship at all with their abusive parents. In some cases, the abusive parent changes and a relationship between parent and child may be possible. In other cases, there is no chance of reconciliation since the abuser continues to abuse their child, even though they are adults. I think it's important to recognize that it will vary from person to person. What works for one will not necessarily work for all.

Thanks for your article Kelli.

You're welcome!

I don't think this statement is completely accurate.
I believe that mental pain is often far more difficult to overcome than physical; Our minds are extremely able at retaining such experiences, and we feed off the negativity of such things by reliving and remembering the events which brought us such distress.
Physical pain is very easy to overcome. I remember being in great pain when i broke my leg, and I remember being in great pain when I was riding, and my horse tripped and fell on me...
But I don't actually remember the physical pain...It's not so much that. I remember BEING in pain, but I personally don't remember the severity, the acuteness, the discomfort of the pain itself..
I think we remember the distress at being subjected to the pain. we resent and at times, detest the situation which brought us pain, and we recoil from the possibility and dread of ever experiencing that pain again.

Could that be waht you mean?
I am not challenging you.
I am merely trying to illustrate that our fears are largely generated by our mental attitudes and responses.... I hope I do not offend.

The way I perceive it, Kristen's statement included/contained the thought that if a parent hurts you in a way that traumatises you to any degree, that pain is unforgettable. Whether physically hurting you, or emotionally hurting you, it's the broken trust and damaged relationship that causes the pain, and yes, the pain and fear is mentally stored and recorded, rather than physically retained in many cases.

I just found this and I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way about their abusive family.

I cut off contact with most of my family over 15 years ago and last year, I realized that any contact with any one of them was a bad idea. The one time I reconsidered, I regretted it.

If you have taken steps to overcome the problems that they have caused you but they have not taken steps to deal with their own problems, I would not allow them in. Child abuse is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Unless they get help, they will continue abusing. They may not hit you, but they will cause you pain.

Also, I agree with Kristin. It's unforgettable. If you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you know your brain switches to those memories when there is a trigger in your environment. A perfect reason to keep your family away until they have gotten help.

Thanks for your comments Jones Interrupted.

I've never been on a forum, but I related to A. Mouse's post so much. I have struggled since I was 18 with the issue of whether to cut my parents off or not. I have suffered with criticism, especially from my father who rides my [censored] about EVERYTHING, constantly trying to make me look foolish. Nothing I do is ever right. I quit college at 18, moved out, and never looked back. Even at a young age I knew how destructive my home life was, mostly because my friends were from more stable families whose parents didn't needle them or constantly criticize everyone and everything. So I knew things weren't right in my house which I think helped me in the long run, especially later when I became a parent.

I'm approaching 40 years old and STILL, somehow I want it to change. Sometimes I even convince myself that it's ME and MY attitude toward THEM that's the problem. But then I spend time with them and come home exhausted from deflecting hurtful comments or defending myself over stupid stuff the entire time. Feeling like a speck of dirt, once again. That's when I realize how destructive their presence is in my life.

Ultimately I would like to have nothing to do with them, even though they live 3 miles away. But I feel so guilty. Then I feel selfish because I have a child who should know her grandparents. But recently my dad taunted my daughter, which threw me. I spoke up when it happened, and they left in a snit. But I won't tolerate that with my child. Ever.

Anyway, this all came to the forefront recently because of a particular incident which is too long to get into. But after it happened, I started having dreams where I'm screaming at him to shut up or "f" off. I actually woke up yelling. And in my dream my thought is I've got it made because he'll never speak to me again after saying that to him. Twisted, but I think these dreams speak volumes of the anger and (yes) hatred I feel toward him. I've just been stuffing it for so long.

So my struggle has been with this question: is it ever okay to cut off your parents? Especially now for me because my mom's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I would be better off with them out of my life, but my thought is that it's totally selfish because they're still my parents, regardless. Isn't it wrong?

The guilt has been eating me up. Maybe it's ME and I need to stop being so sensitive.

Sorry for the long post, but I don't talk about my family to anyone at all and it feels good just to say this stuff.

Thanks for listening

Wow, I'm glad I saw this. I bought into all that "too sensitive" sh** that they fed me, no matter what they did to hurt my feelings. I tried to be more understanding when they kicked me around. Too sensitive to them means, "stop fighting, it's easier to kick you in the [censored] when you turn around and bend over". Your sensitivity is your defense and they know it and hate it because they know you're right.

And yes, it IS ok to cut your parents off. It's more than ok. It sounds pretty much necessary. When you're a kid and they put you through hell, that was not your choice. They were adults, it was their choice to behave that way. We live in a world now where around every corner, there's a book, a medication, a motivation to be a better person. Yet there they are, still kicking you around and mocking you. And there you are, letting them.

Well, you're 40 years old now and they haven't broken you. But you must know by now that they will never stop trying. If anything, it will get worse if you allow them to depend on you. And with regard to the grandparent question: I could see your point if your daughter had nice grandparents but if that is all she has to lose, she can consider herself lucky.

I know I am not good at advice but here's what helped me:

I accepted the fact that I simply do not get a childhood. I was forced to think like an adult from an early age and that meant that much of the childhood stuff that people do isn't stuff I did. No toys, no fun, no cozy Christmas. Not mine. I don't get to call to ask anyone for advice, a recipe, a baby picture, an encouraging word, even a normal education, and on and on. These things will never be mine. All I got was abuse unless I was off by myself.

Now, I have a nice boyfriend so if something goes wrong, I can call him. However, I lived alone for a long time and knew that if anything went wrong, I was on my own. And it did go wrong. But I'll tell you, one day sitting on the side of the road, freezing my arse off and waiting for a tow-truck I was happier. When I was in college eating mac and cheese (because that is all I can afford), I was happy. I felt pain for not having a family, but that pain was nothing compared to what it felt like to be humiliated and mocked, waiting for it to get better.

My worst day alone is better than my best day with my family. You're a lot stronger than you think.

I know what you mean. It's easy to talk yourself into believing that you might be wrong about them when you're away from that environment and they seem to be "behaving". Then you get one too many occasions where you've got hurt because you give them the benefit of the doubt, and then every time you start thinking well of them, a little voice reminds you of all the things they've done to hurt you - it's supposed to be a protective measure, I think, but it feels awful reverting to that negativity the whole time.



Good on you! You are a million times the parent your dad could ever hope to be.



That sentiment feels familiar too.

I know it may sound silly, but have you thought of giving yourself a taste of the childhood you missed out on? Little things like buying yourself crayons or baking cupcakes and frosting them for yourself... it can be quite satisfying to get to play with something and there's no one who can say or do anything to prevent you enjoying yourself.

Oh absolutely! I couldn't agree more with you about being a child when no one can tell you what to do. I've bought books I always wanted, watched movies I never saw, did crazy things. Truly sorting out your brain after growing up as we all did yields an unexpected advantage: the child that you were simply went into hibernation and never really grew up. Therefore, she or he can be awakened and you get that part of yourself back, with interest.

This might sound a little corny, but the law of Karma comes into play in that they tried to destroy us as children but accidentally made it possible to keep that part of us alive forever.

We could say that the joke is on them but I doubt many of us are willing to waste a good laugh on a group of bad people.

Thank you SO much for your posts.

"Well, you're 40 years old now and they haven't broken you. But you must know by now that they will never stop trying..."

Wow, that really struck me. It's almost like I've been on a mission to never let them break me, although they've come close. I've mistakely thought that after all these years of getting back up and "proving" that I won't buy into their low opinion of me, they'd eventually give up and have a little respect. Such a sick battle. And a losing one. Doing well or rising above only threatens their "reality" and opens the door for yet more criticism and snide remarks.

Any moments of decency they've showed only lured me into a false sense of security where I thought, well, they're not THAT bad. Til the next time I was around them anyway, then the old feelings of betrayal and hurt were there yet again, and I kicked myself for thinking it could ever be any different.

"I know it may sound silly, but have you thought of giving yourself a taste of the childhood you missed out on?"

For me, having a young daughter has been an unexpected re-introduction to the little "me," which is fun at times but a bit painful at times too. I used to think all that "get in touch with your inner child" stuff was Dr. Phil bullsh*t, but it's been a real eye-opener and probably why all this stuff has come to the forefront at this point in my life.

"This might sound a little corny, but the law of Karma comes into play in that they tried to destroy us as children but accidentally made it possible to keep that part of us alive forever."

Exactly!

On a side note -- I have an older brother that illustrates the destructiveness of their behavior. He's in his mid-40's, has no friends, keeps to himself, hasn't had a girlfriend since his 20's, suffers from social anxiety disorder, and has no self confidence whatsoever. Coincidentally, he spends a lot of time with my parents. He has become my father and we don't talk much even though he lives close by.

Anyway, thanks again -- I've been stuck in the same narrow-mindset and it's helpful reading points of view from your own similar situations.

I am adopted and grew up in an abusive (emotional and physical) family. I have found that I can't maintain a normal relationship with these people. My brother and sister included, are very manipulative and still want to make it all someone else's fault. If they could take responsibility for their actions and try to make a change for the better in their life then I could see making an attempt at a reconciliation. However in my family, they can't, or won't do this.

I have a child now and I have to think of her wellbeing, I have seen some of the same emotional attempts at manipulation being directed at her. I can't allow them to teach her that a child, female child should just take bad treatment, its her fault when the man of the family is upset about life and takes it on the child...thats how they did me. They can't see how wrong it is and they still act this way. I won't allow it with my daughter.

I talk from time to time with my Mother but I moniter very closely what is said to my daughter. If anything as years have passed, she has been more aggressive at cramming it down my throat that my brother is NEVER wrong and I should just take what he does too me, because he is the man...that thought process almost ruined my life, I won't let it ruin my daughters.

Good on you Lisa. You have to protect your child, as that is such a destructive mindset to grow up with.

Lisa,
That's such a great thing that you are doing in protecting your daughter. Good for you! Kudos!

Don't even TRY to relate. Aren't bad people? Adults who abuse children are... not "good" people..?! I have to say that you'll save yourself alot of pain, hairpulling, and misery if you DO NOT try to relate to these ppl. The best thing u can do is make YOU happy. Stay away from that negative sh*t. Like attracts like... It's not part of your job (as a human being) to keep peace, make nice, or try to have a relationship with ANYONE who has harmed you, or anyone else for that matter. Move on. Let them be. Find a new supportive family.. (friends etc.) Don't surround yourself with negative ppl... they will bring you down. DON'T BE POLITE just to not cause waves. Cause waves if you need to and move on.
Blessings*

I do have a new supportive family - my in-laws. And as I was dealing with the issue now that sparked this post, I had the close support of my in-laws and it was very obvious that they do not treat me the way my family treat me. They don't treat their children, or anyone, that way. I've left with a polite relationship intact with most of my family, without putting much of my real self out there, but I put my foot down on a couple of issues which did make some small waves.

The big thing, though, is that I was able to let go of some guilt I didn't even know I was carrying around - somewhere along the line I was made to feel guilty and a bad person for not being able to love these people. Love is earned, as is trust and respect. It is not my fault that a true relationship was never built, and now that I recognise that I really can just acknowledge them without feeling bad. I feel a bit sorry for them now, because they are not happy people.

But I am.

Elle,
You are so right when you say that love, trust, and respect are earned. They don't just happen. They must be earned. Congratulations on being able to let go of the guilt. No child is ever at fault for being abused. Great post, thank you!

Just another opinion from someone who also has been there. It's okay to dump toxic parents.

In my thirties, I tried to open communication about the past with my parents--crazy me! It backfired. Indeed, in the insuing years, my mother tried to convince me that all my sad childhood memories were products of my imagination. I have six siblings, and 4 of them took the stance that it was totally inappropriate for me to try to bring things out in the open and get a new start with our parents. Funny, but all my siblings except one have recounted to me, at different times, some of the whackiness they remembered. ALL of us have had problems because of our tough upbringing, but, as my only "good" sister says, most of the siblings are still engaged in a struggle for "litter dominance."

In my early fifties, my "good" sister and I noticed that our parents were on the decline physically and were not as alert as they had been. We mentioned this to our siblings and got no reaction. We even (naively) cooked up a couple of alternative plans to offer our parents for moving close to that sister or to me. To our shock, the parents and the other siblings reacted to our offers with complete hostility. Ultimately, the other siblings stopped speaking to "good" sister and me, then the parents stopped speaking to us. Next thing we knew, we heard that the parents had moved closer to three of the other siblings.

It has been almost three years since hearing from any of them. I've been through counseling and have "diagnosed" most of my family as narcissists. Most of what I've read about narcissism says you pretty much need to break away from narcissists. They almost never want to change, and they only accept you as long as you do EXACTLY what they want. You are not truly real to them as they have no empathy for other people.

At the peak of all this, I was crushed. I still find it hard to believe that parents can have such a tiny understanding of what they mean to a child (however old the child gets). But, I do see myself as lucky now. I don't have to deal with these impossible people anymore. I've got all those spare siblings to bear the burden of elder care.

My husband and I had already taken in his mother in the years before she died, so, I had an idea of what I was asking for. I thought I was up to it with my own parents, but I probably would not have been. So, like I said, I'm lucky. I guess if I were the last living relative, my decision now would be just to arrange for the parents to have either nursing home care or at-home helpers--anything to keep contact extremely sparse.

I'm over 55 now, and I don't care how old a person gets, I just don't think you ever completely get over an abusive childhood. Your skills may get better, but you never become expert at deflecting the kinds of slings and arrows that hit you as a child. I think there are buttons your abusers can push that you may not ever be fully aware of. It all makes you a little bit different from people who had better childhoods. The good news is that life can still be good even for us "different" people. When I was growing up my overriding goal in life was to be sane when I was grown! I remember constantly wishing my mother could know that I really was a good girl. Sad, BUT, it meant that deep down I saw myself as good--my self esteem wasn't totally shot!

I have to say, too, that "regular" people do not truly understand; and you sort of have to ignore them when they urge you to reconnect with abusive family members. They mean well, but you simply can not walk back into the lions' den when you know the lions have not turned into kitties!

Anyway, if your family is abusive, do NOT feel obligated to subject yourself to it. (Psalm 27:10 says, "When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." What a comfort it is to me to know that God addresses this problem in the Bible!)

I tried to reconcile with my adopted sister who has been diagnoses with the personality disorder borderline personality disorder, now I look back and ask myself how I could have been SO stupid.

She spiraled out of control and almost took me down with her. My brother is also a nutter and records my Mothers phone conversations (don't ask), well he sent me a copy of my sisters latest rantings about me, she was making things up out of the clear blue, trying to convince my Mother what a horrible person I am, going from that to getting mad at my Mother for not loving her enough. While I was aware she had done things like this before, I had never heard them and the people who had repeated them I am sure softened them. THIS TIME, she accused me of things that amounted to a felony AND I heard it in her own words. No way to soften that or deny it.

I am working on gathering information to get a restraining order against her. She has gone too far on this one, even involving my 10 year old daughter in her games. I am totally done. The only person I owe loyalty to is my daughter and she deserves the best I can give.

The reality is when people are sick like this, I am NOT a therapist, I can't deal with them. I BEGGED my sister to get help I BEGGED her to stop trying to use me as her therapist to no avail. Finally in order to save myself and my daughter I had to get away from her completely.

I have an okay superficial relationship with my parents. It works. I don't know how to describe it.

I have a superficial relationship with my father but my mother is a different story. She's emotionally abusive and I'm just not going to take that c@#p! Especially when it's aimed at the only 2 people in a house of 8 who won't accept that behaviour - namely me and my 14 year old brother. As soon as is possible I'm moving out and cutting ties with her (possibly with my brother if he wants) because she just doesn't respond to anything. I'm stuck at home at the moment recovering from a broken back, so I'll have to cope until then.
I think it's okay to sever ties with people who are toxic to you, and surround yourself with people who love and care about you. It's just not healthy otherwise.

freespirit, I agree with you in that it's okay to sever ties with those that are abusive towards you. No one deserves to be abused. I'm sorry to hear about your broken back, but I do sincerely hope that it heals quickly.

I discovered this forum and thread last night. It is great to see that some other people share the same experiences as me. Usually, people assume that everyone has parents that love them and have a home to go to during the holiday seasons. But I do not have any parents nor biological family.

My parents abused be physically, verbally, emotionally and financially. They were rich but only gave me the minimum needed to avoid being charged with neglect. I made a big fuss about being abuse - told teachers, abuse hotline, etc - but nobody in Malaysia cared and I was always blamed. Perhaps to prevent suspicion that they are abusive parents, they didn't abuse my siblings. Or perhaps it is because I was the one with ADHD, which was not treated as we were living in Malaysia and nobody cares. When I was 18, I looked for scholarships to go to university to prevent my father from paying for my tuition and having access to abuse me. I got a scholarship to study in the USA from PETRONAS in return for me working for them when I am done. However, due to several reasons which I won't go into, I ran away to Canada and ditched the PETRONAS scholarship. My parents have to pay PETRONAS back. But they want me to pay. I refuse because (1) I don't even have money to eat! (2) I think parents should be responsible for their child's education if they can afford it.

If I keep in touch with my parents, all they try to do is to get me responsible to pay for that money. They will make up stories such as that my father is retired and that they do not have money. But I see that they pay for luxurious items for my brother. I also see online that my father is some big shot that definitely has tons of money! I, on the other hand, struggle with ADHD, PTSD, GAD, and double depression. I also have physically ailments. I am a part time Graduate Teaching Assistant and full time student. I do not have much money. I have turned to prostitution to pay for graduate school applications, medications, etc. It is sad that this rich dude is trying to get money from me and I am forced to be a prostitute at times because I do not have money.

As for my siblings. My brother is abusive too. He beats people to get whatever he wants. He verbally attacks me because of my religious affiliation. My sister used to be okay with me and was mildly abused. Then, she suddenly cut contact and I was told by someone it is because of my father's influence. She attacks me for moving to Canada.

As for my extended family, they refuse to believe that I have PTSD because I was abused. They refused to believe that my mother married an abuser. They believe that I make up stories and that I should be avoided.

I do not have a biological family that cares for me. All I have is my godmother and dog. My godmother took me under her wing because I do not have a family. But she is sick, doesn't have a phone and lives in another city. My husband ditched me in 2004 and doesn't care about me.

In summary, I do not keep in touch with anyone who is biologically related to me. If I do, I will be depressed. For example, the last time I was with my biological mother, I was crying the whole time. As soon as I was away from her presence I was normal. These people have nothing positive to say about me. For example, when I graduated with my undergrad degree, my godmother was happy. My friends and godmother threw a party for me. But I knew that I would be condemned to the bones by my biological parents. They probably would say that for my age I should have a PhD (I took longer to finish my degree due to disabilities). And the fact that I didn't jump from undergrad to PhD but have to do a Masters would be a huge chance for my biological parents to attack me. They would say that I am stupid and not smart like them (they both have undergrad and Phd's in forestry). I am so scared about this that I tell people I am doing my PhD not MA.

Anyway, this is all for now.

good lord I got alot of company, sadly but also it helps to hear I am not alone. I was abused severly. My brother told me things I do not remember and now I know why I had blocked it, I can't even write what it was, not sure anyone would believe me anyhow...but anyhow, I am glad I found this site. I have been thinking of writing a book, to never be published but for me, to read bout my life and to get it OUT of my body before it turns into disease. I feel ashamed of what people did to me over the years, people who were suppose to be my family and church family, its just too much sometimes. I now understand why I pulled out my hair so long ago, and had no hair for a time, cause deep down I learned to take on others faults and pain and make them mine...always trying to make everyone like me and accept me...funny thing is that I never had real friends, just people who led me on, later felt I was too needy or too hurt and was abanonded. TOday I am doing better, I am making friends, but they seem to be judging my choices to not be in contact with my family, of course they do not know my life and I rather not go there, I sometimes feel as if they think there must be something wrong with me cause I refuse to talk to them, one even invites me to church often, I think she thinks that I need god so that I can forgive...what people do not get is that for me to turn the other cheek is to in my honest opinion is to allow them to abuse me more, and to do damage to my family that I have now, that is healthy and happy, cause I Had WORKED myself to death trying to do differently and to educate myself. My sister obviously wants to be the good guy and inherit everything, which she may...I want nothing. ALl I ever wanted was love and atteniton and that I never got, all I ever got was pain, lies and told how bad I am when I was just innocent child who was used and hurt beyond belief. My brother is violent, so of course I can't be close to him, no one seems to understand this, I guess unless you lived this you cannot really understand and you judge those who disconnect..all I know is that I amdone trying to get people to care, to understand and etc, all I get is judgement... I am just plain tired, sorry to rant on.

wow. thanks everyone for sharing. i had completely buried myself in religion but the collapse of two churches led me outward. though i have been through enormous healing and an amazing amount of progress, trying to succeed in more normal social relationships has brought an awareness of how deeply damaged i still am. recently, my mother was very cruel to me while i was in a very weak place (of course, that's when it happens most) and it raised all kinds of buried realizations about the actual damage she had incurred. i accepted my father's part of the problem long ago and had dealt with that relationship. his was more "obvious" because it involved physical and verbal abuse as well as sexually odd behaviors. i don't have any contact with him any more. hers was more subtle. she appears to be trying to grow when she isn't really, and appears to be well-intentioned when all she really wants is to use me and my family. this is certainly the first time i've ever really verbalized that. thank you so much for giving me permission to walk away from that relationship. in succeeding more and more (it is SO possible. give yourself permission to be strong and to care for yourself. hug yourself and pet yourself and be so kind to yourself. you are beautiful, precious little girls :), i've had symptoms of post traumatic stress come up unexpectedly and grab me and i need to be able to get past these blocks in order to be who i am and succeed for my children, so they can see how strong and lovely they can be too. the biggest thing right now has been how to get them out of my head. how do i walk away inside of myself? how do i give myself permission not to care and remain soft and kind as a person? you all have said some good things. those who have abused us don't deserve our beauties. other people will be blessed by us and we can contribute amazing things to those who will appreciate us when we walk away from their garbage. but, oh, it's hard and it's deep... be brave and pursue peace.

tinka, I'm not sure that you will ever completely get them out of your head. Abuse is a very difficult thing to forget. The scars last for a very long time. However, walking away from them, within yourself, can be done through journaling, therapy, and empowerment. It is possible to walk away from your past. It took me awhile to learn that, but it is possible. Our past will always be just that...our past. We have endured what we have and there is no changing that. But, we do not have to allow it to control our present lives or our future lives. It is so important to grasp ahold of our future and to let our past remain there. I hope this helps.

im currently living in a sitution where i have no where to go. i am a young single mom with two kids ,a low income job and living with a controlling manipulative mom who judges evrything i do. i'm pretty much the only one who cleans the house. i get yelled at if i don't do what she wants.she's threaten to hurt and has smacked me in the past.she trys to take over with my kids.im 24 years old this is ridiculus i'm mature for my age but she won't get off my [censored] because i'm not like her and i don't want to be.i am in counseling but things aren't going to change.i'm so sad and angry i ve been in denial for awhile.i cut my grandma out of my life after she abused my brother. so that i did have some control over.fortunately i do have supportive friends to talk to and cry on for the time being.

how do distance yourself when u have no where else to go?

I feel safe reading all these posts....lets me know I'm definitely not alone. I was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups in San Diego County. I have a family that is beyond dysfunctional and very abusive. I don't have any friends really but that is by choice and for good reason. I just want the psychological abuse to end. It's been going on since I was a kid and I can't move on until they are out of my life. I feel guilty because I let my son be around them. I never never never wanted any of this for my son. I wanted him to be a free spirit and not be the victim of family politics. The good news is I have my own house and space. I'm not stuck with them. Yesterday was the last straw for me and hopefully I can lay it to rest for good. Has anyone ever considered suing their parent for abuse? For abuse that has continued through adulthood? I am surprised to see SO many people posting on this forum. Thanks for reading my post. If you wanna send me a PM and just talk please feel free.

amandak,
Is there a program where you live, such as Section 8, that helps with rent? If so, is there a possibility that you can apply for that program? Is there an abuse shelter that you can call and get help from? Do you have any friends that can take you and your children in at this time? I feel so sad that you are continuing to endure the abuse from your mother. The ideal situation would be for you to find another place to live so you don't have to be abused any longer. It must also be difficult for your children.

Can your counselor help you to find a program that can help you with shelter, financial assistance, and food stamps?

Honestly, it will be very hard to distance yourself from your abuser when you have no other place to go. My recommendation is to try the suggestions I listed above and in the meantime, do not try to confront your mother on the issues right now, since I do not believe that will be safe for you or your children. Please do keep me updated on how you are doing. I am concerned for your safety, as well as for your children's safety.

UglyPrincess,

I'm so happy to hear that you feel so safe here in the forum. There are many supportive members here that will help to support and encourage you along your journey.

Regarding any support groups there may be, is there an agency that helps victims of domestic violence in your area? That would be the first place to call and see about groups available.

I'm so happy to hear that you have your own place to live and that you and your son are not constantly exposed to the abuse from your family members.

I don't personally know of any cases where the child abuse victim sued their parents for abusing them, but I will definitely research that for a future article. That is a great question and it is one that I am now curious about.

Please feel free to post here whenever you like, since there are so many supportive and encouraging members on this forum.

Please do keep me updated on how you are doing.

Hello. I joined this forum because of this topic and the wonderful support I was reading here. Those who have posted have given me strength and insight. I have abusive parents who are divorced. My mum did the work - joined a 12 step program and got counseling. She has not only made amends to me but we work on communicating and have a great relationship. So it IS possible, but ONLY (in my opinion) if the parent is hell bent on getting well. The majority of the sick population will never admit they did anything wrong. My father on the other hand is the one who won't see what he has done. I can't have anything to do with him and it makes me feel so very guilty. He is elderly now and in an assisted living situation and needs me desperately. But I am not in a place where I can deal with his guilt games - and how long until it turns ugly? Not to mention that deep inside I still have all that pain. I was never allowed to express any "un approved" emotion as a child - so all those feelings come rushing back when he talks about the past. My grandmother was also abusive to me (emotionally) and when she died I was a bit sad, but mostly RELIEVED and because she has passed on I feel free. Thank you all for posting - I feel that I can stand and say I am not going to have contact with him, no matter if it makes me seem like an awful person or not.

Acorn,
I'm so glad that you are receiving so much strength from this forum. You most certainly can stand firm and not have contact with your abuser and it does not make you an awful person. On the contrary, it means you are practicing self-care and allowing yourself the right to be safe emotionally.

I'm so thankful to everyone on this forum for your helpful comments. I too was raised in an abusive family. Mine was physical and emotional from both parents. My entire family has pretty much disowned me. They think I'm a liar. Also, my parents say I have bi-polar disorder and that is making me have "false memories" or something like that. I too sometimes wonder if I'm the problem and not them. I wonder if my parents are right, especially on nights like these where I can't sleep, but my not sleeping is caused by the bad memories, not by a disorder. Docs have told me I've got PTSD, not any other disease. It totally sucks because I want to practice forgiveness. I pray some day that I can be strong enough to be around them and not be ripped to shreds. I feel so guilty for not having a relationship, especially when "normal people" urge me to. You gave me a little peace tonight. Thank you.

lizk,
Please know that you are certainly not the problem! Abusers typically place the blame back on their victims, in the hopes that the victim will crumble so that the abuser can maintain control and power.

I also have PTSD and it is difficult, especially when faced with bad memories and flashbacks. It can affect our sleep habits.

As for forgiveness, it is not easy to come to that point. However, when I am faced with forgiving another I try to remember something that someone told me a few years ago. She said that forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves. We don't forgive the other person for their benefit, but for our own benefit. Another thing to remember is that forgiveness is not condoning what the abuser did. To forgive is to allow ourselves to heal.

Lastly, people who have never experienced abuse as a child can not possibly understand the emotions that survivors of child abuse feel. Neither can they understand the complexities of trying to have a relationship with one's abusive parents.

Stand strong and know that you are not alone!

UGH! What a topic. I totally identify. I have bad memories to this day of things that happened to me at the hands of an abusive Mother/Family. I can't forget. I can partially understand and sort of forgive but I can't forget it all.

There isn't a day goes by when something will trigger a memory. I have thought the same thoughts thousands of times and I just wish they'd stop but they won't unless of course I get some kind of brain damage that destroys my long-term memory. I have wasted so much time thinking about all this. Wasted most of my life on this. The damage done to my body, my mind, my self-esteem can't be fixed. So I just have to live with it and try to make the best of what I have left.

I understand F2b.

Navigaar,
I know that I will never forget what I endured as a child. While it will not be foremost in my thoughts, I will never forget. I don't think anyone can ever completely forget the abuse they experienced. However, we can move forward, which is what you are doing. There will always be something that triggers us, so it's necessary for us to learn healthy coping skills so that our memories don't keep flooding back. It is important for us to keep moving forward with healing as our goal.

I am new here and was pleasantly surprised to find this forum by accident!! I feel for each and everyone of you!! I deal with this issue obsessively! I am 46 going on 16. I worry constantly about my family of origin. I was raised with drinking and anger,silent treatment,strict rules that could never be met and some violence but constant threat of violence. My mom wants the world to think we are a nice family. we are not. she acts all nice in public and cold as hell in private. my sister and dad are the opposite for some strange reason. they all drink daily. i do not. I have always been the peace maker until my brother in law died suddenly and then my sister stopped needing me and then said i was not there for her. my parents have turned away from myself and my brother and my kids. They favor my sister. she actual runs our family. she is married to a millionair! hurray for her. money does not buy happiness. I asked them what is wrong and they say,"what are you talking about?" of course its all in my head. I have self esteem issues and social issues and fear of abandonment. I have begun to detach. I opted not to join family gatherings and now they are mad. my mom gets insulted. my dad gets mad because ive hurt mother and he claims to be fiercely protective of her even though he grits his teeth at her and makes angry comments for no good reason about cooking or whatever. hes a rage aholic and (working) alcoholic. The little kid in me worries that he will come here and kill me. I am not answering the phone to them now. The fear has increased and Im in couseling. I need support. I know they think im a trader. I just want peace and freedom!! Weird how they expect respect when they dont give it. They play dumb about your feelings but God forbid you should overlook theirs! Just want to focus on myself and my kids. Im a single mom too. Thanks for being here. Good luck to all!!

freemenow,
I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you continue to endure. I want to encourage you to continue to stand strong! You are right to not answer their calls. I was wondering if you have a current safety plan in place? If not, would you consider putting one together with your therapist? Do you have a special word, or code, that you can use with your children in case your father does show up and you need to get yourself and your children to a safe place? I am concerned for your safety and the safety of your children.

I totally understand about how your mother is when around others and how different she is around you. Most abusers are skilled in that way. They present themselves to be very caring and sociable in public; however, when behind closed doors, the abusive side comes out. That's why it is often difficult for the victim of abuse to tell anyone, since they don't think that anyone will believe them, due to the fact that others have never seen that side of the abuser.

Please do consider putting together a safety plan.

That fits my mother to a tee:

And it's doubly difficult because we love our mothers. When you are little trying to make sense of what's happeneing make you sick. I always had either heartburn or was constipated my entire childhood. I had severe sleep problems and couldn't eat most of the time. I seemed to always be upset. Many of the basics were witheld from me. I don't think I need to go into details.

Thank you so much! I am in the right place here!! after all these years!! we live in a small town and have been here for generations. There are business owners in my family and we are well known. I am the quiet one. My sister is flashy and of the who's who. I have been told she is the mean sister. It helps very little. I would like to move but of course my house wont sell. Of course I dont go around saying my family is rotten. No one would believe me. Further more they would think,"Im rotten" I have enough trouble as is. As an adult though, I am in shock at their behavior,having been to therapy all these years. Im always thinking,I cant believe this is my family! Everywhere I go,people say,hows your mom? hows your dad? hows your???? My parents live 3 blocks away. All my adult life they never really came to visit my kids. Even if I were sick they were too busy. But if I dont answer my phone.......Look out!!!! They come marching down here. So far they have not this time. Its weird. I have so much to say. I'll do it in spirts. Thanks to all of you for listening. Be safe:)

Navigaar, Im so sorry because I failed to say, I understand! get a picture of your self when you were very young. look at her and tell her its ok. tell her you love her. it helps me. i have to reparent the little girl in me. i have to remind my self to eat and bath and all the rest because i wasnt taught self care. this way i can hopefully stop waiting for my mom to come and love me. i feel sad alot about that. lately i never want to see her again. i read a book that helped. its called "After The Tears" by Jane Middelton-Moz & Lorie Dwinell. Its pretty wordy but I felt it really described what I feel inside as an adult child now. Take care:)

She really didn't want me. I felt it. I was a bother. A nuisance. No wonder I have no confidence. I am afraid of everything and everyone. THEN I remember her telling me what a terrible daughter I was. I think it was the opposite. SHE was a terrible mother. Everything I id was WRONG. Even when it was right and proper she made it out WRONG.

I don't look like her. I took after my Dad. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, thin. She was total opposite than me. She was short with brown hair and eyes.

I remember the day I got my period. She called me a tramp. She went on a rant about "F*cking". Yes, she used that word over and over again. Called me Boy Crazy when I was 9. I got my period very early. Things got much worse then. I was developing and she was jealous. She didn't even want me around my own Dad. He wanted to be a Dad, and he was a great Dad but she tainted that too with her filthy mind. She even beat him up once in a while. She was a terror. Women like her shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

Yet, out in public she was just as sweet and nice as she could be. She was a social butterfly and had a lot of friends. She was always handing me off to this one or that one for weeks at a time so she could travel. I hate the way she treated me. I loved my mother but I hated the way she treated me.

my mom did that whole tramp thing when i wanted pierced ears and shaved my legs. she didnt want me to wear a bathing suit. they give us toxic shame. we are born good. it is our God given right to be loved by our mothers. im so glad i found you all. it sounds like we had the same mom in so many ways. there is an understanding here that ive never felt in my life! giving support to others feels real good too. we are helpful,loving and good!!! our mothers gave us bad information. we can help each other heal!! have a good afternoon:)

Navigaar,
I was reading about how the abuse affected you as a child and was reminded of how the abuse I endured affected me as well. When I was in the ninth grade, I had an ulcer so bad that the doctor put me on baby food for two weeks. I had always kept everything bottled up.

freemenow,
Your recommendation about the childhood picture was awesome! I believe very strongly in loving and nurturing our inner child. That is also something I have worked very hard on personally.

I can relate to both of your stories on your mother's reactions when reaching puberty. My mother did the same thing, especially to my older sister. She got the brunt of it all.

You know, I think all we ever wanted was to know that our mother's loved us. I remember one time only that was affectionate with my mother. It was a time when she wasn't drunk yet. She would often hug or kiss us when she was drunk and I remember hating it. It wasn't love. Anyway, there was the time, at 6 years old, that I got psoriasis and it was really bad. Kids at school were teasing me, throwing my books down the hall, calling me 'scab.' It was really bad. I went home one day in tears. My mother hads me sit down on the floor in front of her. As I watched television, she stroked my hair and told me it would be alright. That is the only memory I have, as a child, of her affection. All her other attempts were tainted by alcohol and even at her best, while drunk, she was still very mean.

As a child, I just wanted to be loved by my mother. I longed for the day when we could 'talk' about boys and laugh and joke around. That day never came, not even as an adult.

This is why I believe very strongly in nurturing our inner child. I believe we have to tell our inner child that she is loved, that it was not her fault etc.

I want to commend each of you for sharing your stories. It is not an easy thing to do, but it shows healing, strength, and courage.

On the days when I'm spinning. I think you know what I mean by that, Morbidly wandering down Memory Lane, on those days when I can't stop thinking about it all, you must have those days too, I have to take a step back from myself and just make believe I am a friend of mine. Self talk.

I tell myself to calm down, do something to make yourself feel better. Play with your babies, my lizards, take a long, hot soak. Make something nice to eat, watch a movie that made you feel comfortable and happy.

I try so hard to stop thinking. Most of the time I am successful. I bury myself in my work. I am constantly trying to come up with new art projects because while involved in them I am my happiest.

The times though I am at the most peaceful is when I am in Nature. There I feel I am closest to God and all his glory. I talk to God a lot. That helps the most.

I like to garden alot! I say Im close with God and nature. People seem to let me down. I would like to be closer to people. I would like to trust again. I talk to God alot. I say that is one of the blessings of getting pushed out of a family. It has pushed me closer to God. Art work helps me too. Nice to see that Im not alone here:) my mom would swing from neglect to control. I think the control felt like love. It was hard to give up the little bit of attention I was getting. I couldnt be myself though. I had to keep my opinions to myself or the fighting would start up. I couldnt pretend to agree with her anymore. I just had to get away. So.......my entire front yard is a garden!

My whole house is a garden. Hahahahaha. Hey, we do what we have to to keep our sanity.

I was taken care of but NEVER cared for so I know what you mean. I don't remember any close, sweet or tender moments with my Mum. She was Hell on Wheels.

I wonder why children from the same abusive home can be so different. one being cautious,careful of others feelings but guilt ridden and sorry for things they never did and the other cold and mean not caring who they hurt. I wish a clear conscience meant a happy soul for me. Can we really undo the lies weve been told about who we are? I want to believe so. It is my goal. Im getting the facts straight but my emotions dont line up so much. I struggle alot with that. I am more at peace when Im alone. I dont feel like I fit in most the time.

freemenow,
From what I have learned and what I understand, in every family the children take on different roles. For instance, one child might be the peacemaker while another might be the rebel. I'm not sure why this is so, but it is interesting.

As far as undoing the lies that we have been told, yes, I believe we can! It takes time to process through everything, but we can undo what we learned and what we were told. It takes a lot of effort on our part and perhaps years of therapy, but it can be done.

The emotions during this process will be difficult to sort out. I believe it's important to allow ourselves to feel the varying emotions and to process through them. We can do this through drawing, writing, coloring, singing, dancing etc. Working through the emotions will help us to heal.

Continue to stand strong!

I too have thought much about birth order. Just think about this. A first child. Wanted. Parents are younger and have more of a positive attitude about the future. But as time goes on the parents are getting older and tireder, if that's a word. Second child is kind of a redo from the first. Parents have learned alot and do things a bit differently. Maybe make some of the same mistakes but not as many. Parents are learning. They went to school on the first one. Isn't that when parents make the most mistakes?

As far as how they treat the children. I think people learn from each other how to treat each other. Does that make any sense? If a person treats someone a certain way in the beginning and aren't corrected if they are mean and hurtful, they just keep doing it. So if Mum and Dad don't treat one child very nice the other children learn that from them. I'm not saying this happens in ALL families, just in the abusive ones.

My best friend is much older than I am. Her daughter is about 10 years younger than me. I see how she treats her and I get sick. BECAUSE she treats her with consideration, respect, dignity and honour. I feel so cheated yet I still admire her. She knows about my abusive family/past. She is such a sweet, Christian woman and I love her dearly. When you actually see how you should have been treated and weren't it really hurts.

thanks guys:) also my sister who is mean is the youngest and my stepdads daughter. my moms second family so to speak. i think he may have taught her that she is above my brother and i. they would never admit that. it is my hunch. at 46 it is a difficult thing to swallow because he has been my dad since i was 2. little by little they have been cutting us out. weird thing is, it hurts but i dont even like them. i love them but dont like them. hard to sort out. they are so passive aggressive. i thought i was crazy. i was always told that the sky was green or purple when i knew it was blue. it makes you doubt your own instincts. i was threatened so much i couldnt speak. now when people are rude, i freeze. my response system is delayed. i do recognize abuse now and trust "me" more! when i started to find my voice they had to send me packing. my brother loves me dearly so he is out as well. he has a head injury and is 4 years sober. i worry about him and am very protective of him. i dont share all my thoughts and feelings w/ him because he wants to kick their asses for me all the time. he wont though. at least i hope not. i think my family is a ticking time bomb. i just want to spare my kids and brother further pain and myself.....

maybe my sister picked up his attitude that the step kids were a pain in his behind!!

Hi and thank you for sharing your story. Mine is so similar. I recently cut my parents off and I am still counting the days. So far it has only been six days. I have cut them off on and off from my life. Never longer than a month. This time though something has changed inside me and I physically feel sick when I have contact with them. My two older brothers will not speak to me because they have sided with my father. My mother is an alcoholic who prides herself in the fact that she hasn't drank in two years now. Which is wonderful but her behavior is still the same. My dad sucks the life out of me. He is bipolar and is an all or nothing guy. If you don't share his views, ideas and emotions you are the enemy. The part that truly boggles my mind is that my brothers feel the same way as I do, however one depends on him financially and is an all around 38 year old loser and the other is a 36 year old alcoholic who briefly lived with my husband and myself while he got on his feet after a terrible breakup. Now he won't even answer a text message or return my call because I am sure my dad has spilled his guts to any and all who will listen to his one sided, manipulative story of what happened between us. Nothing is ever kept between my parents and one of us. He tells everybody everything he knows. Mom just goes along for the ride, with no opinion of her own. Just the one Dad gives her. He says I am crazy. I am so angry that my brothers have shared the same feelings toward them with me but don't have the guts to stand up to them. This is so hard for me. I am trying so hard to carve out my own identity without them. I feel terrible about it all. I know that I need to stay away, it just hurts so bad.

notjustme,
Please don't feel terrible about your choice to remove yourself from the abuse. I can understand how much it must hurt to be away from them. I wish there was something I could say to you that would magically take away your pain. As you endeavor to 'carve out your own identity,' please know that you are special and unique. You are a person of value. You deserve to be loved, respected, and supported. Most of all, you deserve a life without any form of abuse. Continue to stand strong.

thank you

I do not have contact with parents or sister unless there is an emerg. I have noticed glaringly that while reading these posts: I relive the rejection daily. The neglect is why my heart hurts. I want them to love me. Being hit or beaten does not run through my mind a thousand times a day like the yearning for acceptance or the pain of critizism. My bad memories are of teeth gritting,cruel words,talked down to,ignored,being left out,shunned,dirty looks that to me meant "I cant stand you". Does this mean that emotional pain far outways the physical? Because I rarely recall being struck unless I am with an angry person who is yelling and or threatening. Just my experience. Im sure it is different for all. Reading here helped me see some things. Also I am pained when I see them because while they sicken me I still want to love them and run for my life at the same time. the turmoil is torture. Out of sight out mind is my goal. Thanks to you all! HUGS!!

Hi freemenow; I don't have that issue to be concerned about because the individuals involved in my mess are all dead. But I honestly don't feel I could have any contact with them at all and still recover from this. The fear alone was so great for me that it was nearly 7 years after my father died before I could even begin to consciously remember the stuff he did to me. The others had been gone for 10, 29 & 40 years, respectively. For me, it would have to be an all or nothing type of thing. There's no way I could go on and continue to progress and grow with those jerks still in my life. Hope and pray you are able to find what works best for you....

Hi Julie, Glad to see you:) its been a minute;) Let us know how you are doing. I wish the best for you and think of you often. Im glad that your abusers are long gone . I wish peace for you now. I hope your recovery is progressing forward. Mine is up and down. I just keep going and it is so hard at times. Im really glad this forum excists!! I have trouble keeping everything in order around the house. Its a big job for me. Lots of struggles and hurdles. Im getting a little more grounded as the weeks go by. I am crying less. I have found that socializing has helped very much. Small doses:) It has helped me see that Im pretty likable:) Its been a rough road! My vision of my self was so blurred by creepy family attitudes. I dont want to hide anymore:) Being with other people helps me move forward. I spoke with my moms brother for the first time about abuse and he was upset too. We had both been keeping the secret! I feel less of a singled out target now. I realize they mistreat alot of people not just my brother and I. I dont wish this on others but its good not to be alone and or different. I want to STOP feeling bad about myself because some ROTTEN people couldnt love their own daughter!! SHAME on them! NOT me! Im gonna love myself and be strong. Im gonna let other people love me because I am lovable. Im gonna replace them w/ healthy people! I want to be out in the sun:) and not hide in the dark:) Hugs to everyone here!! Thank you Kellie, I hope you are doing great!! You are doing a wonderful thing here!! God Bless You!!!

Notjustme, I just read your previous posts! sorry, I have trouble keeping up:( I am running in place half the time. My story is just about the same as yours. I too started feeling sick when I was around my incredibly unhealthy family. It occurrs to me that it is the turning point! It is a good thing!!! It is when you realize that youve outgrown the mess! the drama! the pain!! I just could not do it anymore and had to break free. I too would get free for periods and then go back. We all want to be in a family but unfortunately ours make it impossible! I chose therapy as a means of support. I needed help for the pain of letting them go. I needed help in freeing myself. I want to out grow this old way of life! It is very painful! Just think......they are miserable,Right? We cant fix them, Right? We can only help ourselves:):):) They are miserable with or without us! I needed and still need to build me up and shield myself!!! Sick people need someone to blame. They love to fight. I chose to step out of the ring:) As the fog lifts............they're opinions have less of a hold on me:) Its like drinking alcohol. If we drink,we cant think clear. If we stay away from those who try to confuse and control.....we can think clear!!! I know,that you can think clear because I read your words. We see it very CLEAR!!!!! thats why we dont go along w/ them!!! Im getting better. Its not fun. But being stuck in a messy,angry,drunken,lieing,blaming freak show was NO longer for me:)lol. You can get thru this:):) HUGS!!!!!

Nice job, freemenow!! Very well said; and I totally agree. It's very tough to take a stand like that, but, for me, it was vital. I can't get better and heal when I have any contact whatsoever with people who constantly insist on focusing on their own agenda. That includes arguing, game playing, mind games.... The list goes on. I choose to go through the pain.... I've already won!

freemenow; good to hear from you! Keep up the good work! Ups and downs are normal; it does get better over time. Take care & God bless!!

I am struggling with tones and volumes. When a person (my kids) especially react with sarcasm and attitude. My anxiety goes up more than I'd like. My fight or flight is out of wack. I am hyper sensitive. what if i too send the message for my kids to shut their emotions down? did my parents neglect cause me to be self centered in my selflessness. i am both.........weird. i am nervous therefor i need people to be calm around me? extreme kindness all the time? unrealistic hopes for my kids? I can control my behavior 99%. and I am NEVER violent nor even remotely hands on. Most of this is internal. But, I will cry and become less mature verbally than how a parent should be. I sound like a teen girl. Im struggling w/ my explanation but you guys get it. I think the kids respect me less for it. They may see me as a peer......lol I actually have great kids but they are kids. It is worse because I am going thru a new phase of my recovery. I jump out of my skin when the neighbor yells too. It is normal considering. I have to just live with it for now I guess but when it comes to kids, I dont want to over react or misunderstand them because they are upset at someone else and I end up thinking they hate me. I get things tangled up. I want to keep others words and emotions seperate from mine. This meshing is NO fun. Its from past conditioning. I dont want to pass it on. More time,more mental freedom,learning to relax. learning to love myself:) It will all help in time Im hoping.

freemenow,
I actually went through the same thing with my kids. I still find myself occassionally there now, when my children are very sarcastic or sassy. It can trigger those painful memories and feelings. I think, for me, it can also be difficult because I was never allowed to verbalize how I felt as a child. Even as a teenager, I was never allowed to "be" a teenager. So, when my own children do what is normal for teenagers, sometimes I find myself unsure initially of how to respond. But, I do try to remember that they are kids and the stages they are at now is also normal. This helps me in my responses to them. Please be gentle with yourself. The healing process is lengthy and not accomplished overnight. Take baby steps and in time, you will look back and think, "Wow! I've come a long way!" I know, because I've gone through that.

I can see myself in that; no doubt about it. Yes, it actually does get better in time. It's TOUGH to be patient, but it does take time.... God bless!!

Ive allowed my kids to have a voice and yet Im like a kid still. so when they are abrubt w/ me. I feel like they are superior to me. I go thru the motions of being the adult but on the insde they are very intimindating to me. If we argue i sometimes cant stop when i think im not winning. we are like 2 kids instead of mom and kid. If i dont let them speak at all. I am a tyrant with a very quilty conscience. Guilt is a big emotion for me. Ive read that children of alcoholics meerly guess at whats normal. Its like that for me sometimes. Thanks guys:) hugs:)

Nothing that you are feeling is abnormal for the stuff you have been through. I'm not much for repeating myself, but it truly does take time. You're doing okay; just keep talking to us (and other safe people if it works for you). The progress is slow, but you will be able to look back and see it one of these days; a little bit at a time. Anything that's worth learning takes time. (some famous person must have said that somewhere along the line!!)

thanks! you guys make things so clear for me:) it helps so much:) I will just keep plugging along! one day at a time. I keep trying to be myself and be ok with who i am. I am not chicken little and the sky is not falling:)......lol

freemenow; you are RIGHT. You are not Chicken Little; and the sky is definitely NOT falling. God is holding that----and everything else----up. Including us!

I like that! It is good what you say:) it helps me:) I hope helping others helps you! It is a good thing for me to do as well:)

This forum is really GOOD for me.... I liked it the minute I joined. It's just nice and safe and comfortable. Actually, the Bible mentions that one of the reasons that Christians go through tough times is to help others who are doing the same, did you know that? "Blessed be the God and Father of our LORD Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we my be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5. Have a good one!!

Its been awhile since I posted. Uncle Gary came to live w/ me. under the care of hospice. It was great for him. He was very peaceful. I took great care of him. He had to go to the hospital at which time my mom had him go back to his apt alone.hospice bailed.he has an aid thru medicaid. (mom) she is his power of att. I called pro serv. i called the court guardian. i called everyone. they ignored my plea. I have since gotten into an intensive out patient therapy. I have been so depressed. I am so sad that the system failed my uncle. he is autistic and couldnt make the right choices for himself. my mom being abusive has made the wrong choices and I am so sad. I am finally eating a little. I never want to see my (mom) again. I cant stand even to refer to her as mom.

freemenow,
Thank you for updating on how you are doing. I'm so sorry to hear that your uncle was put under the care of your mother. It must be difficult for you knowing that he isn't receiving the love and care he so deserves. I'm also sorry to hear that you are depressed. Please be gentle with yourself and take time to pamper yourself during this time. It is so important.
Kelli

Just found this forum. I was surprised at how similar my experience is with others here. I am 42 years old and finally cut off my abusive parents 3 years ago, but this time, I don't feel guilty. In doing so, my 3 brothers want nothing to do with me. Actually, they've never wanted much to do with me anyway. It's been painful not having a family. I'm completely alone in the world now other than my husband. It's kind of scarey. I tried over and over again to have a relationship with my family, but it just never worked. It always started out great then out of the blue I would be attacked by my mother again, my father would take up for her, I distance myself, then a year later my father contacts me and tells me they miss me, I feel guilty and try again. Then the attacks by mother start, etc. I finally noticed the pattern and realized things were never going to change. I have two violent alcoholic brothers, the third is verbally and physically abusive. All but one has children and I watch helplessly as the abuse continues. Yet from the outsider's view, they look like happy families. Just like mine did so many years ago. How sad. I think I don't fit in because I'm a healthy person (compared to them) after many years of therapy. When I spoke out about the abuse I was called a crazy liar. When people ask me about my family I usually lie and tell them they are doing great and act like everything is ok. Why? Because it's been my experience that most people can't comprehend the things that led me to cut off my family. They can't imagine doing such a thing. Well, that's a little bit of my story. Sorry to hear others are having a similar experience, but comforted that there are people out there who may actually understand what I'm going through.

Dear E4TA, Welcome:) it is especially hard when the family appears normal. Ive been told there is something wrong w/ me to the point of feeling so insane. I have it pretty straight now. I need constant support so I dont forget. The rejection of a mother can keep me pretty confused. The extended family is wanting to know what is my deal! I told them some and they didnt like it. Then as a result my parents and sister told that I was ???? It could go round and round. But I dont talk and I stay away. My Uncle Gary's funeral was yesterday and I did not go. I was with him when he passed and He knows and God knows. We loved each other dearly. I will continue to work on the toxic shame. Thanks mom!! The worst thing she ever gave me. I find myself yelling at one child more than the rest. Please help!! Its the last thing I want to do!! God bless us all!

just to update here. the (m) took Uncle Gary to the hospice home last fri morn. a minister called me at 4pm. I was alone w/ Uncle Gary until I called my brother. We stayed with him until he went to be with God at 11 pm. If the minister hadnt of called, Uncle Gary would have died alone. His own sister just left him there!! Just goes to show her abuse is ALL on her!! it has nothing to do with anyone but HER!!! she makes me sick!
God is good though because I was with him and he knew. He had the pillow from my house and the hat I gave him. Thats what he chose to take. He couldnt talk but we both knew. We loved each other very very much! Now grieving alone is hard. At least Im not confused anymore.

E4TA,
I want to welcome you to the forum!

I completely understand how although we are saddened that each of us has had to endure child abuse, we are also comforted in that we are not alone.

Again, welcome!

freemenow,
I'm so sorry to hear of your Uncle's passing, but am so thankful that you were able to be with him in his last hours before he passed. I believe that the fact that he took the pillow from your house and the hat you gave him, with him, shows that it was his expression of his love for you.

Regarding how you may tend to scold one of your children more than the other, please be gentle with yourself. The key is that you are aware of it; therefore, you can change it. Perhaps try taking some time out each week for individual activities with your children. For example, take one child out for dinner one night and the other child the next night. This will help them to see your love for them equally.

I have fibro too and its hurting alot these days. also my 15 yr. old daughter is mean and i am lashing back. i feel horrible and she doesnt seem to care either way. the pain continues. i cant handle mean. i feel like im drowning:( again.

freemenow,
Have you been able to try the new fibro medicine that they advertise on the television? I think it's called Lyrica. Is that an option for you?

Regarding your daughter, at that age they do go through that stage. And yes, it's very difficult. I went through it with my children as well and it's very hard to not lash out at them. Try to keep in mind that they don't mean anything by it, it's just part of puberty and going through the incredible mood swings.

Do you have someone you can talk to? That's so important.

Hi Kelli, thanks for always being there. yes I have tried lyrica and it made me gain 20lbs in a month! I take neurontin and a sleep aid. It helps some but I still have episodes of phantom like pain and many headaches (immetrex) I also have degenerative disk disease.Tons of pain from that! My daughter prefers her dad.we r divorced.he is a work aholic. The constant rejection is getting to me. She is also mean to her little brother but sweet as pie to most or all other people. If she was mean to everyone that would help. The real rough part is the only thing she knows is blame. She is never sorry. Makes me furious. I never put hands on her but I am calling her a witch and stuff. I do have help but she constantly challenges me when I dont feel well as it is. Ive had a stomach ache for 3 wks and I just had 2 scans. I really need a break w/ everything that has transpired in the last 2 years. Fam/med/gary/surg/pain/jobless! I just want relief. Geeez! Thank you for understanding. I am gonna stop talking to my daughter (15) as much as possible. Her responses to me are usually ugly even when I am politely chatting to her. She also interupts my other conversations! Rude! she is grounded and I want to unground her so she doesnt have to feel pain. I hate to see her hurt! I have been too soft now she has no respect! I feel guilty as usual. Its just BS!

hey, freemenow! has your daughter been abused too? (perhaps by your mom?) i'm not sure that calling her a "witch" is productive...

freemenow,
I'm so sorry to hear of your medical issues. I also deal with many medical issues and it can be very overwhelming. I know it hurt when your daughter is mean, but again, please try to remember that it is a normal stage for teens. My teens were also as nice as could be to others. But, when their emotions were raging, they were very vocal with me. A good friend of mine once told me that my teens did that with me because they felt safe to do so. I know that might not make sense, but if they felt safe to release their emotions around me, then I respected that. I didn't tolerate disrespect - don't get me wrong. But, I did understand. And being a teen in this day and age is much harder than it was when I was a kid.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Many parents have slipped up and called their kids names like that. I'm not saying it's appropriate, but I am saying you are only human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I also went through a stage with my son where he was very disrespectful and many of his behaviors, actions, and words reminded me of his abusive father. This made it very hard for me to be patient with him. My counselor reminded me that this is because he reminded me of his dad and when he was acting out, it brought up painful memories and feelings. Perhaps this may be what you are experiencing with your daughter. Does how she speaks to you remind you of your mother?

I'm always here for you.

Beth Chen,

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us.

Regarding your comment to freemenow about calling her daughter a 'witch' being productive, I want to share that many parents do slip up and call their children such things. As I told freemenow, this obviously isn't a good thing, but it also shows us that all parents are human. When it becomes a pattern and a habit, it becomes a problem. So, while it may not be productive, it is human. I don't believe that there is a parent around that has not slipped up in this way.

I want to commend freemenow for her honesty on the forum. I admire her honesty. I also believe her sharing that information was a way of releasing it for her.

Again, thank you for stopping by and welcome to the forum!

Hi everybody....this is the 1st time I've been back on since I posted last month. Sorry about your uncle, freemenow. I found out one of my uncles died 2 months after his death from a friend. Then found out another uncle was on his death bed from other sources again. You'd think someone in my family would have the decency to at least send me an email or leave a message. Anyway, feeling lonely today. I have days where I feel miserable and totally alone, so here I am. I only have a couple of friends and they don't live around here. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make new friends in this new town that I've moved to. I understand the rejection and how it hurts, freemenow. I had a daughter when I was 17 yo. I was beat up and cursed by 2 of my brothers and my mother while I was pregnant and abandoned by the father of my child. My parents sent me to live in a Catholic Charities home and I was forced to give her up for adoption and wasn't allowed to talk about it ever again. 18 years later she found me, and rejected me. Sadly, her adoptive parents bought her absolutely everything she wanted so you can imagine what that created. They were not wealthy people and spent every last penny on her. Her adoptive father died last year so that put an end to the money train. I wouldn't give her any (I don't have any anyway) so she seeked out her bio dad who she now spends the majority of her time with. I wonder how long that will last. Whenever she was with me she put me down constantly, blaming me for her "problems" or whenever she did bad in school (bad genetics, so she says).

Dear E4TA, I totally understand where you are at. I think that is so sad that your daughter says, Bad genetics:( I am sorry she is so mean! She is wrong! her actions are her OWN!! People can be very mean. I always feel so bad when I do it. When I called Jen a witch I apologized. She needs a good role model tho. Its hard to be above it all the time. I have taken so much [censored] from the women in my family! So, yes Kellie, she does remind me of my mother and sister. The coldness is very difficult. I atually took it better this time. At least the guilt wasnt as bad. I worry about destrying her in 5 minutes. She is one who doesnt even soak up the good too much. Just always rejecting me. I am concerned sometimes about voicing my mistakes on the forum. Honestly it is the best place for me to do so. I really dont think calling names is good or right. I am so sick lately that I lost my head. I am gonna go to a pain clinic soon. They have many options for coping that will help,I hope. Thank you for the support. I have benefitted greatly from this forum. No one understands the way you do. I have two older daughters as well and they have mellowed and become much more respectful. Jaime (22) said today that I am NEVER hurtful to her. I asked her because Im trying to get a perspective on why maybe Jen doesnt like me even when I am nice. Jaime said it is the age so I'll have to go with that. Moms are just dumb to these kids. A few people have said this. God Bless you all:)

E4TA, on another note. I too have felt the intense aloneness! I have been completely seperated from my pack as well. I chose it but they pushed for it. I ask myself if they were to be around I would only dislike what I see and hear out of them anyways. When they called and called, I wanted it all to stop and go away. Now it has and I have peace so I need to rebuild. I think we feel alone because we are sperated from the "family" but we can fill those places with new people:) they just wont be the ones we wish would change. I have to move forward. It helps me to remember they are rotten to others as well. Not just me. I chose to get away from it for a really good reason. The process is more painful than the end result of non-abuse. I am adjusting a little more. Holidays are scarey because of the kids and others not understanding where I am or wanting to know why. I dont like the questions because they dont like the answers;) It does get better! Big Hugs to you!!!

I also have found out important family events and issues from others. I also have read things in the paper. It is a sad hurt feeling when this occurs! I do understand this very much! I live in a very small town. Its harder on the kids. I also tried to post a memorial on a funeral home website. The family rejected my post:( It was not a good feeling. I did get to post one on a site that belongs to the newspaper so they didnt win out completely. I think its terrible they couldnt even let me say kind words about my Uncle:( Very sad! But I also have many treasures from him. I have bought a few things as well. Things that remind me of my beloved Uncle. Maybe you have a picture and you could put in a frame with a poem. I am sorry E4TA for the loss of your Uncles:( Hugs to you Again!!

Beth, you are right. It is not productive in anyway! I told her sorry. My post made it sound like it was an ongoing thing but it was just one day. One day too many!!

E4TA,
It's good to see you here on the forum again.

I am so sorry to hear about your uncles. It saddened me to learn of the way that you heard about them. That must have hurt terribly.

Know that you are supported here - always!

omigod!!! you guys have been through so much! it's almost unbelievable!!! freemenow, sorry i was so hard on you! (that's probably a result of my having authoritarian parents. they're totally devoid of human emotions, so they can only talk about robotic factual things) of course, it's wonderful that you're self-reflective, so you can stop the cycle of abuse! e4ta, have you considered living in an intentional community? i used to feel a "spiritual homelessness" or existential loneliness. but living in dorms & coops made things much better, because there were so many other supportive people (who were also different from the "mainstream", and therefore more likely to understand me, and become friends, not just shallow acquaintances) also... have you tried to join interest/activity groups? kelli, thanks for the warm welcome!

Hi everyone. I'm brand new to this website; I found this post in a web search and am so grateful for this place where we can all relate to each other. I'm 25 and still suffer from verbal/emotional abuse from my father. My parents are still married and my mother has always been the enabler. My mom and sister are both very passive, whereas I grew up to be much more aggressive. (So yes, I guess that makes me the "mean sister!" hahaha) My sister is two years younger than me, which doesn't seem like a big difference, but she doesn't remember a lot of the stuff I do. I've replayed situations for her, and there is just no recollection whatsoever. We are complete opposites to this day, and I fear she is emotionally stunted. I'll admit I started skimming the past posts after a while... just so much to read. But one thing that stuck out at me was the lack of therapy mentioned here. I'm on my FOURTH therapist, and she is absolutely wonderful... the therapist I always felt I needed. The first therapist I went to was to help the relationship I had with my father. (Hilarious!) My mom forced us to go... I'm not sure how old I was.. maybe 10, 12? I remember listing off things he did to show how huge of an [censored] he was, and he couldn't ever defend himself. The therapist finally told my mother something and we stopped going... I imagine it was that no progress was being made. I OD'd on pills shortly after I turned 18. I had a physically/verbally abusive boyfriend, who my parents couldn't stand. (In hindsight, of course I dated him... abuse was what I was used to.) I was spiraling downwards and couldn't get help, so the pills were my cry. I spent 3 nights in the ER psych ward, and it was horrendous. I didn't belong there. I knew I needed help, but had no idea how to find it. My therapist then was nice, but eventually would tell me I was great and didn't need therapy anymore. I would eventually go back, and it wouldn't last long... same cycle. At 23, I met what seemed like a great guy, but stayed even when red flags went off. He was clearly not right for me, or any woman looking to be in a serious relationship, yet I fell for all of his [censored]. At one point I thought I was acting like my abusive father and fell physically ill for quite some time because of it. I found a new therapist who helped, but still never got to the root of my family problems. Here I am at 25, living 3.5 hours away from my family for school. I found a new therapist to help manage bouts of anxiety and depression, and voila! She has delved right into my family problems. The problem with situations like this is the fact that WE CANNOT CHANGE THEM. The only people we can change are OURSELVES. We can make choices as to how to deal with the abusive people. How other people behave is entirely beyond our control. Too often you will notice that suggestions for group/couples therapy are agreed upon just to make the suggestor happy. The only person we need to focus on is ourselves. My father, to this day, is very nasty, controlling, and manipulative. My greatest fear is to end up like him... though I feel that I have enough self-awareness to catch it. The problem becomes how soon can I catch it? How severely has he affected me? All I have ever known from family was abuse and manipulation, but in my opinion, I am the best off of the four of us. I am halfway through law school with an intention to get involved in child advocacy. It won't make money, but it can make a difference. I am very aware of my own problems and issues, and determined to find happiness with myself before worrying about getting into any more romantic relationships. And yes, I have problems with friendships too. I have always had a hard time finding people with whom I can relate and who can relate to me. Not many "average" people understand the repercussions of emotional abuse. I also do not tolerate any [censored] that people throw my way. I may get stuck with my own issues and family, but I do not permit toxic people to enter my life. I apologize for being so long-winded, but that's my deal. I have learned, from therapy, that permanent separation from family is not the way to go. Facing them and learning how to handle them without letting them tear you apart teaches you how to cope better. If you walk away, how will you learn? You can't brush your troubles under the rug and expect them to disappear. I'll admit it... the day my father dies, a giant load will be lifted from my shoulders. But I'm still partially financially dependent on them. And my mom, although the enabler, is still good to me. I firmly believe in taking all the bad we have been given and turning it into good somehow. WE know how it feels. We can't change them, but we can "fix" our own wounds.

Hey Kristen84: Speaking for myself only, I've spent many, many years in therapy. Tried for years to have a relationship with my family and they just aren't interested. 2 of my brothers are serious alcoholics and 1 is just plain beligerent, plus he is cruel to animals. I use to beg them to come over. I loved my brothers so much and they really could care less about me. I refuse to continue to have a relationship with my mother. I definitely found that I'm much healthier staying away from her. And I'm just as lonely and hurt, if not more so, when I'm around the "family", because I'm contantly being rejected by them and feel like I don't belong there. I got out from under their thumb when I was in my early 20's, thank God! Seems to me carma circled around and bit my mother on the ***. Sux what you have been through. Everyone handles the pain in different ways and what works for one may not work for another.

Hey Beth, What's an intentional community? Never heard of that before. I'll have to look that up. Well, I kind of went the opposite direction. I have a farm with many, many animals and live in a very rural area in S. IL. My husband and I trail ride with our horses and dogs and the care of these animals takes up most of my day. So I'm kind of isolated because of that. I've been trying to find other people to ride with but so far haven't had any luck. My husband's sister and brother ride but I had a problem with his sister a couple of years ago so now I'm being rejected by them. That was a mess and left me deeply hurt. I have a really hard time getting over being **** on when the one who does the wrong doesn't apologize. Anyway, my latest venture is to take one of my dogs to be certified for pet therapy so we can visit retirement homes and hospitals. I also plan to volunteer with the local humane society. My passion since I was a small child (and intensely criticized for) is helping stray dogs recover and find homes. I'm also working as a farrier on the side and have a few customers here. Check out my website: www.hoofmasters.com. Not sure how long it will be up though. For the past 43 months I've been letting an ex-coworker/friend live here (rent free). She put up the website for me. She also came from an abusive family (worse than mine). I guess that was a mistake. She got to where she was yelling at me and putting me down a lot, mostly for not being ready to go or not agreeing with her ideas a couple of times. Finally told her that she needed to be out in a couple of weeks (she found a job thank goodness) after the last incident which involved gravel being thrown on me as she peeled out of my driveway. She took a lot of things that didn't belong to her when she moved (I was out of town). So I expect something not so good to pop up on that web site. <sigh> So now I'm trying to recover from that hurt. She adopted 2 of my dogs and a cat, so I guess I'll never hear about them again. I spent a lot of time and money helping those 2 dogs recover. Well, I know she'll take good care of them, and I'll get over it.

Ooops, that should be 4 months, not 43 months. LOL

Well, looks like she took my website down today. That's nice. I'll have it up and running again before long.

Kristen84,
Welcome to the forums!! I'm glad you found us.

First of all, congratulations on your endeavors to become a child advocate! They are so needed in our judicial system right now.

Regarding therapy, I am a firm believer in victims and survivors entering into therapy. You're right in that it can take some time to find one that you can work with. I am currently in therapy right now and have been for awhile. I am also in the process of dealing with the abuse I went through as a child. I have processed the abuse I went through with my ex-husband, but only now am touching on the child abuse in depth.

As far as seperating from one's family, that is something that is entirely up to the victim and survivor. Each person does what they feel is best for them in their process. For some people, sepertaing themselves from their abusive parents is the only way they can gain the healing that they need. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are sweeping it under the rug. It's important that we understand each other's choices and support one another through the process. I completely understand what you are saying on sweeping it under the rug, because that is what my family has done. However, when a person sweeps it under the rug, they are avoiding the abuse altogether. There are some here that are in therapy, but have also chosen to seperate themselves from their abusive parents and that works for them. I support them in their choices.

Again, welcome to the forum and I'm so glad you found us.

hey your story is sort of like mine.... i have just recently started seeking therapy as i finally gave in and realised i needed it,i have an abusive mother..it didnt start until i was into my teens and met a man older than me(i didnt sleep with him till i was 17)but she insisted i was a whore and i ended up lying to her and severing communication when i was 20 she has turn my whole family exept my dad against me with all of the disgusting lies.i have had 3 children since then and i am expecting my 4th i married the man she was so worried about(i dont know why because she never met him)he is a wonderful father and husband and we love eachother dearly...recently she made contact by letter throwing bulls@@t again i wish she would just leave me alone and get on with her life....does anyone have any advise on what to do(i was beaten and emotionally scarred and it still hurts sometimes)i never want to see or hear from her again

justawoman30,

Welcome to the forum!! So glad you found us here. There are many supportive members here on the forum.

I'm so sorry that your mother is still abusing you in such a way. One thing I would recommend is that when she writes you letters, you can always write "Return to Sender" on the outside of the envelope and give it to the mail carrier. That way, her verbal and emotional abuse doesn't affect you because you're not reading her letters.

I know seperating from family is so terribly difficult to do. But, if it means healing for you, than I think that's a wise choice.

Again, welcome!

That's what I've been doing....RETURN TO SENDER. Last birthday card they sent me was of a babboon giving the middle finger. Every time I feel a little guilty I just take a look at that card which I keep to remind myself of why I shouldn't feel bad for returning anything they send to me.

E4TA,
Good for you! Never feel bad when you return something to your abusers.

Wow,I found myself on this forum after putting up with yet more verbal, emotional and physical abuse from my toxic family. Two days ago an argument erupted and my mother dragged me by the hair. I have one small but very red deep scratch on each arm where she grabbed hold of me first, at least one of them was bleeding. I'm 31, no kids, no boyfriend, few friends at the moment despite many people wanting to be my friend (surprise surprise....) and am staying with them temporarily due to personal circumstances. I'm stunned how many of you feel the exact same way I do. I have no desire to help round the house or do much for them and have often felt guilty about this. Yet, is it really surprising? I get verbal abuse & attitude from my younger brother too, not just from parents, probably because he saw the contempt they treated me with and copies it. If anyone is familiar with Family Guy, the way Meg is treated by the family is how I'm seen here - the most reasonable one is the silenced & mocked one... I was a gifted child and as an adult continue to have a high IQ yet my life has been plagued by bullies to the point that I have not worked since I was 27. After being here for a short while, I now know why this has been happening to me - I have very little self confidence. I believe that nobody else will put up with me because unlike my parents others don't know the real me which is of course unloveable to the extreme. That message has been given to me since I was a little girl. Hardly surprising I don't feel able to make friends/trust the ones I have and my life which should have been successful has been blighted by (mostly female) bullies. It shocks me that even with all the self esteem work I've done on my self since around age 18, I still have so much to do. This thread is wonderful though, really helps validate what I've gone through. I'm currently working on my way out of their home to try to get my life back on track. And to work on the self esteem issues too. God bless you all xxx

Actually if they were 100% psychotic it would be easy to stay away from them. But because they can be nice too, it makes it so much harder - I know all about the false sense of security that others have mentioned. It's true, I keep vowing I won't let myself get drawn in but here I am again, having gone through a tough time, allowing myself to be convinced that there is some sort of 'normal' loving family life here for me to be comforted by...Ironically it's usually because we have nobody else as well - our families have seen to that with their abuse over the years, many of us simply don't have the self confidence to believe that someone could actually care about us and not see us as our toxic family does...

Sorry to post for the 3rd time lol but did anyone else almost treat older friends as parent figures when they were in their teens? I found myself doing that a couple of times and age 20 I recognised it and vowed to work towards friendships on an equal footing. My resolution worked - I don't seek parent substitutes now but I still don't have the confidence or self esteem to reach out to friends or to maintain a friendship because I get scared and start to withdraw. Plus I seem to attract alot of abusive people too - friends and boyfriends - mixed in with the nice ones so that complicates things even more!

Amazed,

Welcome to the Child Abuse forums. There are many supportive individuals here that have experienced some degree of child abuse.

I was so saddened to read of what you are enduring from your family. Are you in any kind of therapy right now? Most of the members on the forums know that I am a firm believer on therapy and the good that it can do for survivors of child abuse.

I hope that you are able to get out of y our parent's house soon, for your own safety - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Again, welcome to the forum!! Feel free to post as often as you would like.

Amazed,

You are right in that having periods or moments when our abusers are nice and seemingly loving can make it that much harder when they are abusive to us, in any form. It can also really toy with our emotions and leave us feeling as though we are the ones that are responsible for the abuse we are getting. Let me assure you, this is not the case. We are not responsible for the abuse we endure. The person that abuses us is responsible for their own actions.

As far as treating older friends as parents, yes, I have done that. I think that is most likely normal for those of us that have experienced child abuse. It's as though we crave that love and attention that we never received as children.

Never apologize for sharing here on the forums. It is perfectly OK for you to post as often as you would like. I am here for you.

I'm pretty sure if my mother laid one hand on me I'd probably hurt her really bad. Same here, I was told all my life that no one would ever love me. Sadly, that part must play over and over in my head because I have had no luck making or keeping friends. Get out of there!

Ditto! My parents and brothers are well-liked and are very nice to other people (except for my dad....he's cranky) though my youngest alcoholic brother tends to drive people away because he's too hard to handle when he's drunk. But they all manage to function in life and have good jobs. I don't get it.

After I figured out what was going on...this cycle that was playing over and over, it was much easier to distance myself from them. I still really hurts not having a family. I also find that other people just really don't get it. I keep hearing that you just need to get over it, that everyone has had some sort of abuse. Wouldn't that be nice? If we could just get over it?

Ditto again....I was seeking out older people to hang out with most of my life. I was also attracting unhealthy people into my life. Once I understood what was going on I was able to recognize when these things were happening and learned to avoid unhealthy people. Still trying to figure out how to make friends with healthy people though. Seems best to keep my past quiet but people always ask about my family which is tough to respond to. I've been trying to keep my answers vague.

Isn't it interesting how many abusive parents that are also alcoholics seem to function well enough during hte day to hold a full-time job? My parents were the same way. They worked all day and then went to the bar after work to start their drinking binges and finished up at home until they usually passed out. The next day repeated the cycle. A doctor once explained to me that when alcoholics do that, the alcohol is in their system 24 hours a day, it never truly leaves their system. Interesting!

My mother has been extremely mean to me for as long as I can remember. I had an adopted brother who died when he was 17, I was 5. One of the first mean comments that she said to me that has stuck with me for the last 25 years was "I wish you were never born." Another comment was "hopefully you will die like your brother." My mother and father divorced when I was 4. She started dating an alcoholic when I was 4 or 5, she also like to drink a lot. Many of nights as a child he would beat her, the police would come, he would go to jail, then she would beat me for it. I had a horrible childhood. When I was in school, teachers noticed things, I was sent to counselors, therapy and interviewed by law enforcement. Everytime my mother would threaten me that if I told, this or that would happen to me. I wanted to live with my father, but she had convinced me that he didn't want me, he wanted his 'whores' not kids. I was told horror stories of kids being sent away, locked in basements and beaten worse than I could ever imagine. To make matters more confusing, sometimes she could be nice to me. To most people on the outside looking in, they knew about the physical altercations between her and her boyfriend. As for my bruises, "you know how kids are, they fall, break things." This went on for years. At age 18 I left. I went to college, got into law enforcement and have done very well for myself. I'm married to a wonderful man, beautiful home and expecting my first child. I have maintained contact with my mother all of these years, I try to walk on egg shells with her. I try to never say anything that would irritate her or make her mad. She can't physically hurt me anymore, so its all verbal and emotional. I try to ignore it, but its been getting progressively worse for the last year. I have tried to rationalize this to myself saying, she's getting older, she is 70, maybe its dementia. I don't know what to think anymore. She will call me, screaming at me, because her and her boyfriend had an arguement, but somehow it ends up being my fault. I have tried just not taking her calls. She calls for hours, leaving messages like "i'm going to ruin your life", "I hope I don't wake up master." She is reffering to my husband when she says 'Master', he works shift work. Or she uses my 90 year old grandmothers health as a reason, in which I call back immediately to hear her tell me "you are a loser, a joke." or "your not a has been, your a never was." I wish I knew why she did this to me? Maybe I could better understand how to make it stop. It's been going on for over 25 years. I did tell her once, that if she knew what she was doing to me, she would quit. Her reply was "I have never done a thing to you." It amazes me, that her boyfriend has actually apologized to me for everything and told me he was proud that I turned out ok after all they put me through. Why can't she see what she does is wrong? What do I do? Do I change my number and ignore her? Or do I continue letting myself be hurt? I worry what she might say or do to my child once it is born. I'm sorry that it's so long, I just needed to get it out.

Dear Sosdd, Welcome! you are in a very good place here! I feel for you and your post can never be too long:) I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered! Unfortunately we could not choose our families. I wish I could have. I was in a similar situation myself. I have parted ways from my mom sister and stepdad. I thought the sky would fall for the longest time. I have come to feel very relieved. Its been 4 months or so since Ive had contact w/ them. For a long time I thought I would be hurting them. Funny and strange, why did it matter?? As I moved away from the situation their behavior become increasingly bad! In the process I became so scared of them to the point of not being able to see them out of fear. I would screen calls and lock doors and watch windows. My imagination of what would happen went wild. The world may not understand but I do! my kids do. Many friends do! Hell my neighbors could see before me! The truth is the truth. The people who dont get it, do not walk in our shoes! My world is very small now, but it is safe from abuse. I feel empowered to some degree. I still feel out of place in the world but the pain of wishing they would turn into a loving family has subsided to a great degree:) In time the toxic shame I was given will be less and less. I went thru the whole phone thing too! They would knock on the door if I didnt answer the phone. Then they went thru my kids in secret! that really freaked me out! I threatened the law on them and they backed away. My kids are 10,15,20 and 22. They have suffered so much:( we are healing a great deal even in this short time. I am so glad your little baby will not see many years of this! Please know it is right and good to move away from this abuse. We have rights too! They are bullies. If they went to school now they would be kicked out!! Good luck to you! Keep posting everyday if you need to:) it was a great lifeline for me! You are not alone:):) HUGS Lisa:)

Dear Amazed, I just read your posts. I havent been here for a little while so I am catching up. I was wondering how you are? I am hoping you have found a new place to live. Your mother scratching you and pulling your hair makes me angry! You know she deserves to go to jail for this? When I read of your life time of bullies, it reminded me of myself. I isolate some to avoid new people because I have pretty much ridden myself of all past bullies. Being bullied was normal to me until I realized it was not!!:) I struggle to stick up for myself. Its getting better! I feel awkward around people for a length of time. That is why I enjoy this forum so much:) I am truly understood here! If you need daily support in distancing yourself from your family,,,we are here!! Thats how I did it!!:) coming here everyday! Please be safe! call the police if you need to! Hugs,Lisa

[quote]This went on for years. At age 18 I left. I went to college, got into law enforcement and have done very well for myself. I'm married to a wonderful man, beautiful home and expecting my first child. [/quote] Sosdd, congratulations on getting out and making a new life for yourself - that's strength indeed! [quote]Why can't she see what she does is wrong? What do I do? Do I change my number and ignore her? Or do I continue letting myself be hurt? I worry what she might say or do to my child once it is born. [/quote] - I don't know there is a good answer to this. But it's been my experience that sometimes people just refuse to see the error of their ways and there is nothing you can do. I guess you have to decide - what kind of boundaries are you going to set with her? It sounds like you're not ready to cut ties with her, yet by letting her say and do hurtful things and still keeping the relationship the same, you are giving her implicit permission to continue doing so. I guess another question to answer is, do you want your mother in her current state to be a part of your child's life? Perhaps what you can do is tell your mom that if she continues to say & do those hurtful things, she can't be part of your life. And if she does, you'll have to change your number/etc in order to reinforce your words. Maybe work out a plan with a therapist as to the best course of action? Just my 2 cents.

Thanks for listening. freemenow- I'm sorry to hear that you went through all of that. It sounds like it was a long road, but you are in a much better life now. hopeforfuture- I appreciate your input. I have been to numerous therapists over the last 20+ years. After I moved out and was on my own, I couldn't find a therapist that thought I should continue the relationship with her. Several of them wanted her to come to therapy, individually or together with me. She has refused every single time. She says she doesn't have to. If I try talking to her in a civilized manner and explaining to her that her ways will not be tolerated. She acts like she is the victim, telling me, that I am trying to hurt her. I explain that I have been hurting for years and just want it to stop. She then tells me that I exaggerate the situation, or it never happened like that. I know that is denial. I just live one day at a time with her for now. Severing ties with her would also severe ties w/ my 90 year old grandmother, who knows all of this. One of the worst things is my grandmother was 70 when my mothers boyfriend threw her down a set of steps so he could go beat my mother. My grandmothers mind is sharp, she remembers all of this. My mother denies that this ever happened (he was even arrested for it--grandmother pressed charges--he did jail time) What I was trying to get to was that my grandmother has lived with my mother for the last 5 years, she has a hard time walking and hearing, but other than that she is in great health. I am her only grandchild, if I severe ties w/ my mother, I will lose my grandmother. My grandmother and I have talked about this in the past, she understands that I don't want my mother doing this to me, but she doesn't want me to 'leave' my mother. Both my grandmother and I have tried to talk to my mom over the years and my mother would call us both liars and leave the house. I guess what I am saying is, that for my grandmothers sake...I allow it to happen. Thanks again for letting me get this out :)

For some reason last night in my sleep I relived every memory I have of the beatings and verbal abuse my mother dished out to me. I woke up with a headache and nauseated. I still feel like [censored]. Maybe this has something to do with my father contacting me before Mother's Day to come over for a family event. I have not heard from them in a couple of years....that birthday card they sent to me of a baboon giving the finger. Yeah, that was nice. I sure wish I could get rid of these memories. I hate Mother's Day.

E4TA,
I'm so sorry to hear of what you are experiencing. Nightmares can be very difficult. I have had my share of them recently as well. They are hard to process. I hope tonight you are able to get some good sleep. You're in my thoughts.
Kelli

Thanks Kelli, Just got an email from my mother yesterday briefly stating that we love you and we miss you and can we some see you. The cycle has started over again. This time I don't plan to respond. I'm not getting back on that rollercoster. I guess I can expect another nightmare now. Usually takes a few days.

[quote=sosdd] Why can't she see what she does is wrong? What do I do? Do I change my number and ignore her? Or do I continue letting myself be hurt? I worry what she might say or do to my child once it is born. [/quote] I would say that someone who doesn't respect you and only seems to want to make your life miserable doesn't deserve to be in your life. Is your grandmother your only tie to her? I would say to start establishing boundaries, but with someone as extreme as her, I don't know that even that would work. What I would suggest is for instance, if you're on the phone and she starts degrading you, just simply say you won't be talked to that way, and say goodbye. At this point there's no point in trying to bring up the past with her or anything like that. I doubt she'll really change how she talks to and treats you, but YOU have control over whether or not you want to give her that opportunity. I think you should just nip her any time she tries to be be negative. You can't reason with people like this, or try to make them feel bad, or see what they've done wrong. It's good that you recognize that you don't deserve to be treated this way, that you've not done anything wrong, that this isn't healthy, etc. But you have to make the choice of whether or not you want her in your life, and if you do-to what extent. I would say though, that with the way she's treated you, she doesn't deserve to have your child in her life. Even if she treats him/her well, the baby will pick up on how she treats you. I just don't think it would be healthy.

Thank you so much for posting this. All of your responses resonate deeply with me. I am struggling with a very similar situation - I grew up with an emotionally abusive, manipulative, intimidating father. I am very blessed to have a supportive mother who fought with me through this time, but even us together couldn't negate the effects of his comments/behavior. I have a strong sense that everyone here really understands the pain involved with having a parent like this. I tried so hard to protect my mom (I would fix things/clean up the house before she came home from work so he wouldn't yell at her...he called it "barking"...)but things still were never good enough for him. I was the ultimate over-achiever in high school and still now while I'm finishing up college...but there was always something I did wrong. We've been in on/off contact for 5+ years now after he left and divorced my mom when I was 16. I have really tried through emails to make him understand what it was like growing up like that, but we haven't had any breakthroughs...I have felt extra pressure to reconnect with him lately because his already bad health is deteriorating . He is obese, has high blood pressure, type II diabetes, sleep apnea...he can't walk very far without gasping/straining for breath. I worry all the time that I'm going to get the call that he had a heart attack or he's in the hospital. I unfortunately suffer from panic disorder and symptoms of PTSD...I can't see someone that looks like my dad without getting a pang of extreme anxiety, or a red car like the one he drives (I check parking lots even when I'm away from his hometown to make sure he's not there). I have been going to counseling since the panic started and I am on the long journey towards self-acceptance and learning to love who I am. But all of this anxiety complicates things because even thinking about talking to him is a very nervous endeavor. I know really deep down it is ok to not have a relationship with him, but I doubt it constantly...has there been anything you all have done to help this persistent guilt? I'm sorry this is so long...I just felt comfortable sharing my story among people who have felt the same pain. Even though I haven't been able to realize this fully for myself yet, I want you all to know that you have enormous, inherent worth as human beings...I am so sorry that you all had to experience such trauma and I hope you can all find true happiness free from criticism, judgement, and abuse. Big hugs :)

Welcome! And I'm sorry to hear about all you've been going through. You definitely came to a place where people DO understand what you're going through. I'm almost 27 and have been on a similar, long journey as a result of a verbally abusive father. Personally, I do not feel ANY guilt about not wanting any relationship with him. The only reason he's still in my life because 1) I'm STILL financially dependent on my parents (just graduated from law school), and 2) my parents are unfortunately still together and I'm pretty close with my mom. I realized a long time ago that every family is different; my father is NOT the typical father like my friends and family have, and he does not deserve all I have to offer. Like you, I tried for YEARS to "protect" my mother in various ways. However, I am now at the point where I'm understanding that she voluntarily stayed in that marriage, and she really should have been protecting me (still working on plenty of anger from that!). She continues to be in denial about him, and will NEVER see things clearly. I realize the effects of being a victim in an abusive relationship, but my personal journey has moved me past that issue, and I no longer see myself as a protector to her. I'm SO happy you are in counseling, but I do want to stress that it is important to find the RIGHT counselor for you. I hope you are happy with your therapist, and if you are not, please be sure to find someone you really like. I found that therapist a couple years ago and have made a LOT of progress since then. Even more, she finally met my parents a couple months ago. A HUGE breakthrough for me has been an understanding that my father is probably NOT neurologically "normal." The educated guess is severe autism. That, of course, does not ever excuse his actions, but it does put a different spin on things. This obviously will not apply to everyone, or even necessarily anyone in this forum, but I just wanted to put that out there. Keep in mind that you cannot ever change anyone but yourself. I went through the same thing trying to make my father understand the way he treats people... and he completely denies it. The lack of empathy with the autism is obvious. Further, my father also has many, many health problems (all of the things you named minus obesity, plus a LOT more), but he doesn't take care of himself. He has never and will never listen to anyone, including doctors, about how to properly care for himself. The only person who can make him understand is him, and at 60, I'm not going to waste a single breath attempting to teach him anything. He knows better by now and makes conscious decisions which contribute to his ailing health. I don't think I will ever fully move past or forget the things my father said or did, but at the same time, my journey of working through these issue has made me a much stronger, empathic, and clear-thinking person. My confidence and self-esteem still suffers badly, and while I no longer fall into long depressive slumps, I have anxiety issues, but I've tried to turn the focus to myself and making MYSELF feel good rather than allowing anyone to make me feel horrible. Remember that there are a LOT of good, confident, successful, happy people out there who, for one reason or not, do NOT have a relationship with one or both parents. The only person who can make the decision of what's right for you is YOU, and you'll figure it out. Last but not least... are you an animal person? :) I find them to be incredibly therapeutic, although I realize not everyone is an animal person. Sorry THAT is very long, but hopefully some of this helps. This journey will be long, but with work and dedication on your part, I can promise that things will improve.

Kristen84, thank you so much for your wonderful reply :) It sounds like you have done an amazing job coping with your situation and finding your own path through life (congratulations on law school!!!). I hope your dad's recent diagnosis can help you understand the things he did, but you are so right - it is absolutely NO excuse for him to be abusive and unaccountable for his behavior. My father blames his depression constantly...but he is exactly the way he was then, even though he says the depression is gone now. I've luckily been able to find a wonderful counselor at the school I go to (I definitely had to go through a few to find someone I was truly comfortable with). It's so crazy you bring up being an animal person! My dogs were my saving grace growing up when I had to be alone with my dad a lot because my mom worked/I'm an only child. I'm looking into training a therapy dog (for me too) but to help other people b/c I know how healing animals can be :) I'm hoping to get my master's in Social Work to hopefully work as a career counselor, academic advisor, or with domestic violence shelters. I hope doing this can help me through the healing process too. Thank you for your kind reply - I can't tell you how comforting to hear everyone's stories of strength and perseverance. I'm deeply sorry for your anxiety issues...I know how horrible that be. But you have the best attitude: "I've tried to turn the focus to myself and making myself feeling good rather than allowing anyone else to make me feel horrible." I'm really trying to do that too, but it's been baby steps so far which is ok. I still feel guilty at times but I have to remember to protect myself and my well-being. It's like I finally have a chance to breathe now since I don't have to deal with him everyday...and I don't want to go back to constantly catering to his needs and feeling suffocated like how it used to be growing up. I hope you can find peace when you no longer have to have forced interactions with him because of finances etc. You really gave me a lot of hope that things can get better...I wish you all the best!!!

Hi to all in this forum. I have an adopted daughter that was the victim of abuse in her most formative years. She is now 14 and is a very unhappy teen. She cares about nothing, trusts no one and we don't know what we can do for her. She was just diagnosed with PTSD of the complex nature. The complex part is that those who were supposed to care foe her and nurture her were the abusers. She was probably not held much as an infant and had to learn that the only one that she could trust was herself. I grew up with parents who cared about us but didn't necessarily show as much affection to us as they showed to each other. They are still married after more than 50 years and are unable to understand the difficulties that come from infant neglect and abuse that were part of my daughter's life. Any suggestions as to how to help my daughter would be greatly appreciated.