I found this site because I needed peace like you but in a different way. I've lost 3 babies in a row but like you was very angry at God for doing it. I try to find the reason for it and try to give him a pass for letting me get pregnant and then taking them away. Here you are with so far so good what I would love to have but don't find myself judging you or calling you crazy. There is a reason for all things and God does have our best interest at heart. When he does reveal why this happened you'll have that "aha" moment of understanding and be glad you made that decision. I hope that decision is to let that nurse place that baby in your arms for the first time and feel your heart explode with joy. Take it from a pastor's daughter that has 3 beautiful girls..