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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 9
Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 9 |
I'm so thankful to everyone on this forum for your helpful comments. I too was raised in an abusive family. Mine was physical and emotional from both parents. My entire family has pretty much disowned me. They think I'm a liar. Also, my parents say I have bi-polar disorder and that is making me have "false memories" or something like that. I too sometimes wonder if I'm the problem and not them. I wonder if my parents are right, especially on nights like these where I can't sleep, but my not sleeping is caused by the bad memories, not by a disorder. Docs have told me I've got PTSD, not any other disease. It totally sucks because I want to practice forgiveness. I pray some day that I can be strong enough to be around them and not be ripped to shreds. I feel so guilty for not having a relationship, especially when "normal people" urge me to. You gave me a little peace tonight. Thank you.
Last edited by lizk; 06/10/09 03:19 AM.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576 |
lizk,
Please know that you are certainly not the problem! Abusers typically place the blame back on their victims, in the hopes that the victim will crumble so that the abuser can maintain control and power.
I also have PTSD and it is difficult, especially when faced with bad memories and flashbacks. It can affect our sleep habits.
As for forgiveness, it is not easy to come to that point. However, when I am faced with forgiving another I try to remember something that someone told me a few years ago. She said that forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves. We don't forgive the other person for their benefit, but for our own benefit. Another thing to remember is that forgiveness is not condoning what the abuser did. To forgive is to allow ourselves to heal.
Lastly, people who have never experienced abuse as a child can not possibly understand the emotions that survivors of child abuse feel. Neither can they understand the complexities of trying to have a relationship with one's abusive parents.
Stand strong and know that you are not alone!
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 301
Shark
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Shark
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 301 |
UGH! What a topic. I totally identify. I have bad memories to this day of things that happened to me at the hands of an abusive Mother/Family. I can't forget. I can partially understand and sort of forgive but I can't forget it all.
There isn't a day goes by when something will trigger a memory. I have thought the same thoughts thousands of times and I just wish they'd stop but they won't unless of course I get some kind of brain damage that destroys my long-term memory. I have wasted so much time thinking about all this. Wasted most of my life on this. The damage done to my body, my mind, my self-esteem can't be fixed. So I just have to live with it and try to make the best of what I have left.
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 301
Shark
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Shark
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 301 |
good lord I got alot of company, sadly but also it helps to hear I am not alone. I was abused severly. My brother told me things I do not remember and now I know why I had blocked it, I can't even write what it was, not sure anyone would believe me anyhow...but anyhow, I am glad I found this site. I have been thinking of writing a book, to never be published but for me, to read bout my life and to get it OUT of my body before it turns into disease. I feel ashamed of what people did to me over the years, people who were suppose to be my family and church family, its just too much sometimes. I now understand why I pulled out my hair so long ago, and had no hair for a time, cause deep down I learned to take on others faults and pain and make them mine...always trying to make everyone like me and accept me...funny thing is that I never had real friends, just people who led me on, later felt I was too needy or too hurt and was abanonded.
TOday I am doing better, I am making friends, but they seem to be judging my choices to not be in contact with my family, of course they do not know my life and I rather not go there, I sometimes feel as if they think there must be something wrong with me cause I refuse to talk to them, one even invites me to church often, I think she thinks that I need god so that I can forgive...what people do not get is that for me to turn the other cheek is to in my honest opinion is to allow them to abuse me more, and to do damage to my family that I have now, that is healthy and happy, cause I Had WORKED myself to death trying to do differently and to educate myself.
My sister obviously wants to be the good guy and inherit everything, which she may...I want nothing. ALl I ever wanted was love and atteniton and that I never got, all I ever got was pain, lies and told how bad I am when I was just innocent child who was used and hurt beyond belief. My brother is violent, so of course I can't be close to him, no one seems to understand this, I guess unless you lived this you cannot really understand and you judge those who disconnect..all I know is that I amdone trying to get people to care, to understand and etc, all I get is judgement...
I am just plain tired, sorry to rant on. I understand F2b.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576 |
Navigaar,
I know that I will never forget what I endured as a child. While it will not be foremost in my thoughts, I will never forget. I don't think anyone can ever completely forget the abuse they experienced. However, we can move forward, which is what you are doing. There will always be something that triggers us, so it's necessary for us to learn healthy coping skills so that our memories don't keep flooding back. It is important for us to keep moving forward with healing as our goal.
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69 |
I am new here and was pleasantly surprised to find this forum by accident!! I feel for each and everyone of you!! I deal with this issue obsessively! I am 46 going on 16. I worry constantly about my family of origin. I was raised with drinking and anger,silent treatment,strict rules that could never be met and some violence but constant threat of violence. My mom wants the world to think we are a nice family. we are not. she acts all nice in public and cold as hell in private. my sister and dad are the opposite for some strange reason. they all drink daily. i do not. I have always been the peace maker until my brother in law died suddenly and then my sister stopped needing me and then said i was not there for her. my parents have turned away from myself and my brother and my kids. They favor my sister. she actual runs our family. she is married to a millionair! hurray for her. money does not buy happiness. I asked them what is wrong and they say,"what are you talking about?" of course its all in my head. I have self esteem issues and social issues and fear of abandonment. I have begun to detach. I opted not to join family gatherings and now they are mad. my mom gets insulted. my dad gets mad because ive hurt mother and he claims to be fiercely protective of her even though he grits his teeth at her and makes angry comments for no good reason about cooking or whatever. hes a rage aholic and (working) alcoholic. The little kid in me worries that he will come here and kill me. I am not answering the phone to them now. The fear has increased and Im in couseling. I need support. I know they think im a trader. I just want peace and freedom!! Weird how they expect respect when they dont give it. They play dumb about your feelings but God forbid you should overlook theirs! Just want to focus on myself and my kids. Im a single mom too. Thanks for being here. Good luck to all!!
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 576 |
freemenow,
I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you continue to endure. I want to encourage you to continue to stand strong! You are right to not answer their calls. I was wondering if you have a current safety plan in place? If not, would you consider putting one together with your therapist? Do you have a special word, or code, that you can use with your children in case your father does show up and you need to get yourself and your children to a safe place? I am concerned for your safety and the safety of your children.
I totally understand about how your mother is when around others and how different she is around you. Most abusers are skilled in that way. They present themselves to be very caring and sociable in public; however, when behind closed doors, the abusive side comes out. That's why it is often difficult for the victim of abuse to tell anyone, since they don't think that anyone will believe them, due to the fact that others have never seen that side of the abuser.
Please do consider putting together a safety plan.
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 301
Shark
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Shark
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 301 |
freemenow,
I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you continue to endure. I want to encourage you to continue to stand strong! You are right to not answer their calls. I was wondering if you have a current safety plan in place? If not, would you consider putting one together with your therapist? Do you have a special word, or code, that you can use with your children in case your father does show up and you need to get yourself and your children to a safe place? I am concerned for your safety and the safety of your children.
I totally understand about how your mother is when around others and how different she is around you. Most abusers are skilled in that way. They present themselves to be very caring and sociable in public; however, when behind closed doors, the abusive side comes out. That's why it is often difficult for the victim of abuse to tell anyone, since they don't think that anyone will believe them, due to the fact that others have never seen that side of the abuser.
Please do consider putting together a safety plan. That fits my mother to a tee: I totally understand about how your mother is when around others and how different she is around you. Most abusers are skilled in that way. They present themselves to be very caring and sociable in public; however, when behind closed doors, the abusive side comes out. That's why it is often difficult for the victim of abuse to tell anyone, since they don't think that anyone will believe them, due to the fact that others have never seen that side of the abuser. And it's doubly difficult because we love our mothers. When you are little trying to make sense of what's happeneing make you sick. I always had either heartburn or was constipated my entire childhood. I had severe sleep problems and couldn't eat most of the time. I seemed to always be upset. Many of the basics were witheld from me. I don't think I need to go into details.
Last edited by Navigaar; 06/11/09 10:39 PM.
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69 |
Thank you so much! I am in the right place here!! after all these years!! we live in a small town and have been here for generations. There are business owners in my family and we are well known. I am the quiet one. My sister is flashy and of the who's who. I have been told she is the mean sister. It helps very little. I would like to move but of course my house wont sell. Of course I dont go around saying my family is rotten. No one would believe me. Further more they would think,"Im rotten" I have enough trouble as is. As an adult though, I am in shock at their behavior,having been to therapy all these years. Im always thinking,I cant believe this is my family! Everywhere I go,people say,hows your mom? hows your dad? hows your???? My parents live 3 blocks away. All my adult life they never really came to visit my kids. Even if I were sick they were too busy. But if I dont answer my phone.......Look out!!!! They come marching down here. So far they have not this time. Its weird. I have so much to say. I'll do it in spirts. Thanks to all of you for listening. Be safe:)
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69
Amoeba
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Amoeba
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 69 |
Navigaar, Im so sorry because I failed to say, I understand! get a picture of your self when you were very young. look at her and tell her its ok. tell her you love her. it helps me. i have to reparent the little girl in me. i have to remind my self to eat and bath and all the rest because i wasnt taught self care. this way i can hopefully stop waiting for my mom to come and love me. i feel sad alot about that. lately i never want to see her again. i read a book that helped. its called "After The Tears" by Jane Middelton-Moz & Lorie Dwinell. Its pretty wordy but I felt it really described what I feel inside as an adult child now. Take care:)
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