BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

I am struggling with tones and volumes. When a person (my kids) especially react with sarcasm and attitude. My anxiety goes up more than I'd like. My fight or flight is out of wack. I am hyper sensitive. what if i too send the message for my kids to shut their emotions down? did my parents neglect cause me to be self centered in my selflessness. i am both.........weird. i am nervous therefor i need people to be calm around me? extreme kindness all the time? unrealistic hopes for my kids? I can control my behavior 99%. and I am NEVER violent nor even remotely hands on. Most of this is internal. But, I will cry and become less mature verbally than how a parent should be. I sound like a teen girl. Im struggling w/ my explanation but you guys get it. I think the kids respect me less for it. They may see me as a peer......lol I actually have great kids but they are kids. It is worse because I am going thru a new phase of my recovery. I jump out of my skin when the neighbor yells too. It is normal considering. I have to just live with it for now I guess but when it comes to kids, I dont want to over react or misunderstand them because they are upset at someone else and I end up thinking they hate me. I get things tangled up. I want to keep others words and emotions seperate from mine. This meshing is NO fun. Its from past conditioning. I dont want to pass it on. More time,more mental freedom,learning to relax. learning to love myself:) It will all help in time Im hoping.

freemenow,
I actually went through the same thing with my kids. I still find myself occassionally there now, when my children are very sarcastic or sassy. It can trigger those painful memories and feelings. I think, for me, it can also be difficult because I was never allowed to verbalize how I felt as a child. Even as a teenager, I was never allowed to "be" a teenager. So, when my own children do what is normal for teenagers, sometimes I find myself unsure initially of how to respond. But, I do try to remember that they are kids and the stages they are at now is also normal. This helps me in my responses to them. Please be gentle with yourself. The healing process is lengthy and not accomplished overnight. Take baby steps and in time, you will look back and think, "Wow! I've come a long way!" I know, because I've gone through that.

I can see myself in that; no doubt about it. Yes, it actually does get better in time. It's TOUGH to be patient, but it does take time.... God bless!!

Ive allowed my kids to have a voice and yet Im like a kid still. so when they are abrubt w/ me. I feel like they are superior to me. I go thru the motions of being the adult but on the insde they are very intimindating to me. If we argue i sometimes cant stop when i think im not winning. we are like 2 kids instead of mom and kid. If i dont let them speak at all. I am a tyrant with a very quilty conscience. Guilt is a big emotion for me. Ive read that children of alcoholics meerly guess at whats normal. Its like that for me sometimes. Thanks guys:) hugs:)

Nothing that you are feeling is abnormal for the stuff you have been through. I'm not much for repeating myself, but it truly does take time. You're doing okay; just keep talking to us (and other safe people if it works for you). The progress is slow, but you will be able to look back and see it one of these days; a little bit at a time. Anything that's worth learning takes time. (some famous person must have said that somewhere along the line!!)

thanks! you guys make things so clear for me:) it helps so much:) I will just keep plugging along! one day at a time. I keep trying to be myself and be ok with who i am. I am not chicken little and the sky is not falling:)......lol

freemenow; you are RIGHT. You are not Chicken Little; and the sky is definitely NOT falling. God is holding that----and everything else----up. Including us!

I like that! It is good what you say:) it helps me:) I hope helping others helps you! It is a good thing for me to do as well:)

This forum is really GOOD for me.... I liked it the minute I joined. It's just nice and safe and comfortable. Actually, the Bible mentions that one of the reasons that Christians go through tough times is to help others who are doing the same, did you know that? "Blessed be the God and Father of our LORD Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we my be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5. Have a good one!!

Its been awhile since I posted. Uncle Gary came to live w/ me. under the care of hospice. It was great for him. He was very peaceful. I took great care of him. He had to go to the hospital at which time my mom had him go back to his apt alone.hospice bailed.he has an aid thru medicaid. (mom) she is his power of att. I called pro serv. i called the court guardian. i called everyone. they ignored my plea. I have since gotten into an intensive out patient therapy. I have been so depressed. I am so sad that the system failed my uncle. he is autistic and couldnt make the right choices for himself. my mom being abusive has made the wrong choices and I am so sad. I am finally eating a little. I never want to see my (mom) again. I cant stand even to refer to her as mom.