BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

The way I perceive it, Kristen's statement included/contained the thought that if a parent hurts you in a way that traumatises you to any degree, that pain is unforgettable. Whether physically hurting you, or emotionally hurting you, it's the broken trust and damaged relationship that causes the pain, and yes, the pain and fear is mentally stored and recorded, rather than physically retained in many cases.

I just found this and I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way about their abusive family.

I cut off contact with most of my family over 15 years ago and last year, I realized that any contact with any one of them was a bad idea. The one time I reconsidered, I regretted it.

If you have taken steps to overcome the problems that they have caused you but they have not taken steps to deal with their own problems, I would not allow them in. Child abuse is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Unless they get help, they will continue abusing. They may not hit you, but they will cause you pain.

Also, I agree with Kristin. It's unforgettable. If you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you know your brain switches to those memories when there is a trigger in your environment. A perfect reason to keep your family away until they have gotten help.

Thanks for your comments Jones Interrupted.

I've never been on a forum, but I related to A. Mouse's post so much. I have struggled since I was 18 with the issue of whether to cut my parents off or not. I have suffered with criticism, especially from my father who rides my [censored] about EVERYTHING, constantly trying to make me look foolish. Nothing I do is ever right. I quit college at 18, moved out, and never looked back. Even at a young age I knew how destructive my home life was, mostly because my friends were from more stable families whose parents didn't needle them or constantly criticize everyone and everything. So I knew things weren't right in my house which I think helped me in the long run, especially later when I became a parent.

I'm approaching 40 years old and STILL, somehow I want it to change. Sometimes I even convince myself that it's ME and MY attitude toward THEM that's the problem. But then I spend time with them and come home exhausted from deflecting hurtful comments or defending myself over stupid stuff the entire time. Feeling like a speck of dirt, once again. That's when I realize how destructive their presence is in my life.

Ultimately I would like to have nothing to do with them, even though they live 3 miles away. But I feel so guilty. Then I feel selfish because I have a child who should know her grandparents. But recently my dad taunted my daughter, which threw me. I spoke up when it happened, and they left in a snit. But I won't tolerate that with my child. Ever.

Anyway, this all came to the forefront recently because of a particular incident which is too long to get into. But after it happened, I started having dreams where I'm screaming at him to shut up or "f" off. I actually woke up yelling. And in my dream my thought is I've got it made because he'll never speak to me again after saying that to him. Twisted, but I think these dreams speak volumes of the anger and (yes) hatred I feel toward him. I've just been stuffing it for so long.

So my struggle has been with this question: is it ever okay to cut off your parents? Especially now for me because my mom's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I would be better off with them out of my life, but my thought is that it's totally selfish because they're still my parents, regardless. Isn't it wrong?

The guilt has been eating me up. Maybe it's ME and I need to stop being so sensitive.

Sorry for the long post, but I don't talk about my family to anyone at all and it feels good just to say this stuff.

Thanks for listening

Wow, I'm glad I saw this. I bought into all that "too sensitive" sh** that they fed me, no matter what they did to hurt my feelings. I tried to be more understanding when they kicked me around. Too sensitive to them means, "stop fighting, it's easier to kick you in the [censored] when you turn around and bend over". Your sensitivity is your defense and they know it and hate it because they know you're right.

And yes, it IS ok to cut your parents off. It's more than ok. It sounds pretty much necessary. When you're a kid and they put you through hell, that was not your choice. They were adults, it was their choice to behave that way. We live in a world now where around every corner, there's a book, a medication, a motivation to be a better person. Yet there they are, still kicking you around and mocking you. And there you are, letting them.

Well, you're 40 years old now and they haven't broken you. But you must know by now that they will never stop trying. If anything, it will get worse if you allow them to depend on you. And with regard to the grandparent question: I could see your point if your daughter had nice grandparents but if that is all she has to lose, she can consider herself lucky.

I know I am not good at advice but here's what helped me:

I accepted the fact that I simply do not get a childhood. I was forced to think like an adult from an early age and that meant that much of the childhood stuff that people do isn't stuff I did. No toys, no fun, no cozy Christmas. Not mine. I don't get to call to ask anyone for advice, a recipe, a baby picture, an encouraging word, even a normal education, and on and on. These things will never be mine. All I got was abuse unless I was off by myself.

Now, I have a nice boyfriend so if something goes wrong, I can call him. However, I lived alone for a long time and knew that if anything went wrong, I was on my own. And it did go wrong. But I'll tell you, one day sitting on the side of the road, freezing my arse off and waiting for a tow-truck I was happier. When I was in college eating mac and cheese (because that is all I can afford), I was happy. I felt pain for not having a family, but that pain was nothing compared to what it felt like to be humiliated and mocked, waiting for it to get better.

My worst day alone is better than my best day with my family. You're a lot stronger than you think.

I know what you mean. It's easy to talk yourself into believing that you might be wrong about them when you're away from that environment and they seem to be "behaving". Then you get one too many occasions where you've got hurt because you give them the benefit of the doubt, and then every time you start thinking well of them, a little voice reminds you of all the things they've done to hurt you - it's supposed to be a protective measure, I think, but it feels awful reverting to that negativity the whole time.



Good on you! You are a million times the parent your dad could ever hope to be.



That sentiment feels familiar too.

I know it may sound silly, but have you thought of giving yourself a taste of the childhood you missed out on? Little things like buying yourself crayons or baking cupcakes and frosting them for yourself... it can be quite satisfying to get to play with something and there's no one who can say or do anything to prevent you enjoying yourself.

Oh absolutely! I couldn't agree more with you about being a child when no one can tell you what to do. I've bought books I always wanted, watched movies I never saw, did crazy things. Truly sorting out your brain after growing up as we all did yields an unexpected advantage: the child that you were simply went into hibernation and never really grew up. Therefore, she or he can be awakened and you get that part of yourself back, with interest.

This might sound a little corny, but the law of Karma comes into play in that they tried to destroy us as children but accidentally made it possible to keep that part of us alive forever.

We could say that the joke is on them but I doubt many of us are willing to waste a good laugh on a group of bad people.

Thank you SO much for your posts.

"Well, you're 40 years old now and they haven't broken you. But you must know by now that they will never stop trying..."

Wow, that really struck me. It's almost like I've been on a mission to never let them break me, although they've come close. I've mistakely thought that after all these years of getting back up and "proving" that I won't buy into their low opinion of me, they'd eventually give up and have a little respect. Such a sick battle. And a losing one. Doing well or rising above only threatens their "reality" and opens the door for yet more criticism and snide remarks.

Any moments of decency they've showed only lured me into a false sense of security where I thought, well, they're not THAT bad. Til the next time I was around them anyway, then the old feelings of betrayal and hurt were there yet again, and I kicked myself for thinking it could ever be any different.

"I know it may sound silly, but have you thought of giving yourself a taste of the childhood you missed out on?"

For me, having a young daughter has been an unexpected re-introduction to the little "me," which is fun at times but a bit painful at times too. I used to think all that "get in touch with your inner child" stuff was Dr. Phil bullsh*t, but it's been a real eye-opener and probably why all this stuff has come to the forefront at this point in my life.

"This might sound a little corny, but the law of Karma comes into play in that they tried to destroy us as children but accidentally made it possible to keep that part of us alive forever."

Exactly!

On a side note -- I have an older brother that illustrates the destructiveness of their behavior. He's in his mid-40's, has no friends, keeps to himself, hasn't had a girlfriend since his 20's, suffers from social anxiety disorder, and has no self confidence whatsoever. Coincidentally, he spends a lot of time with my parents. He has become my father and we don't talk much even though he lives close by.

Anyway, thanks again -- I've been stuck in the same narrow-mindset and it's helpful reading points of view from your own similar situations.

I am adopted and grew up in an abusive (emotional and physical) family. I have found that I can't maintain a normal relationship with these people. My brother and sister included, are very manipulative and still want to make it all someone else's fault. If they could take responsibility for their actions and try to make a change for the better in their life then I could see making an attempt at a reconciliation. However in my family, they can't, or won't do this.

I have a child now and I have to think of her wellbeing, I have seen some of the same emotional attempts at manipulation being directed at her. I can't allow them to teach her that a child, female child should just take bad treatment, its her fault when the man of the family is upset about life and takes it on the child...thats how they did me. They can't see how wrong it is and they still act this way. I won't allow it with my daughter.

I talk from time to time with my Mother but I moniter very closely what is said to my daughter. If anything as years have passed, she has been more aggressive at cramming it down my throat that my brother is NEVER wrong and I should just take what he does too me, because he is the man...that thought process almost ruined my life, I won't let it ruin my daughters.

Good on you Lisa. You have to protect your child, as that is such a destructive mindset to grow up with.