BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

freemenow,
I'm so sorry to hear of your medical issues. I also deal with many medical issues and it can be very overwhelming. I know it hurt when your daughter is mean, but again, please try to remember that it is a normal stage for teens. My teens were also as nice as could be to others. But, when their emotions were raging, they were very vocal with me. A good friend of mine once told me that my teens did that with me because they felt safe to do so. I know that might not make sense, but if they felt safe to release their emotions around me, then I respected that. I didn't tolerate disrespect - don't get me wrong. But, I did understand. And being a teen in this day and age is much harder than it was when I was a kid.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Many parents have slipped up and called their kids names like that. I'm not saying it's appropriate, but I am saying you are only human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I also went through a stage with my son where he was very disrespectful and many of his behaviors, actions, and words reminded me of his abusive father. This made it very hard for me to be patient with him. My counselor reminded me that this is because he reminded me of his dad and when he was acting out, it brought up painful memories and feelings. Perhaps this may be what you are experiencing with your daughter. Does how she speaks to you remind you of your mother?

I'm always here for you.

Beth Chen,

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us.

Regarding your comment to freemenow about calling her daughter a 'witch' being productive, I want to share that many parents do slip up and call their children such things. As I told freemenow, this obviously isn't a good thing, but it also shows us that all parents are human. When it becomes a pattern and a habit, it becomes a problem. So, while it may not be productive, it is human. I don't believe that there is a parent around that has not slipped up in this way.

I want to commend freemenow for her honesty on the forum. I admire her honesty. I also believe her sharing that information was a way of releasing it for her.

Again, thank you for stopping by and welcome to the forum!

Hi everybody....this is the 1st time I've been back on since I posted last month. Sorry about your uncle, freemenow. I found out one of my uncles died 2 months after his death from a friend. Then found out another uncle was on his death bed from other sources again. You'd think someone in my family would have the decency to at least send me an email or leave a message. Anyway, feeling lonely today. I have days where I feel miserable and totally alone, so here I am. I only have a couple of friends and they don't live around here. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make new friends in this new town that I've moved to. I understand the rejection and how it hurts, freemenow. I had a daughter when I was 17 yo. I was beat up and cursed by 2 of my brothers and my mother while I was pregnant and abandoned by the father of my child. My parents sent me to live in a Catholic Charities home and I was forced to give her up for adoption and wasn't allowed to talk about it ever again. 18 years later she found me, and rejected me. Sadly, her adoptive parents bought her absolutely everything she wanted so you can imagine what that created. They were not wealthy people and spent every last penny on her. Her adoptive father died last year so that put an end to the money train. I wouldn't give her any (I don't have any anyway) so she seeked out her bio dad who she now spends the majority of her time with. I wonder how long that will last. Whenever she was with me she put me down constantly, blaming me for her "problems" or whenever she did bad in school (bad genetics, so she says).

Dear E4TA, I totally understand where you are at. I think that is so sad that your daughter says, Bad genetics:( I am sorry she is so mean! She is wrong! her actions are her OWN!! People can be very mean. I always feel so bad when I do it. When I called Jen a witch I apologized. She needs a good role model tho. Its hard to be above it all the time. I have taken so much [censored] from the women in my family! So, yes Kellie, she does remind me of my mother and sister. The coldness is very difficult. I atually took it better this time. At least the guilt wasnt as bad. I worry about destrying her in 5 minutes. She is one who doesnt even soak up the good too much. Just always rejecting me. I am concerned sometimes about voicing my mistakes on the forum. Honestly it is the best place for me to do so. I really dont think calling names is good or right. I am so sick lately that I lost my head. I am gonna go to a pain clinic soon. They have many options for coping that will help,I hope. Thank you for the support. I have benefitted greatly from this forum. No one understands the way you do. I have two older daughters as well and they have mellowed and become much more respectful. Jaime (22) said today that I am NEVER hurtful to her. I asked her because Im trying to get a perspective on why maybe Jen doesnt like me even when I am nice. Jaime said it is the age so I'll have to go with that. Moms are just dumb to these kids. A few people have said this. God Bless you all:)

E4TA, on another note. I too have felt the intense aloneness! I have been completely seperated from my pack as well. I chose it but they pushed for it. I ask myself if they were to be around I would only dislike what I see and hear out of them anyways. When they called and called, I wanted it all to stop and go away. Now it has and I have peace so I need to rebuild. I think we feel alone because we are sperated from the "family" but we can fill those places with new people:) they just wont be the ones we wish would change. I have to move forward. It helps me to remember they are rotten to others as well. Not just me. I chose to get away from it for a really good reason. The process is more painful than the end result of non-abuse. I am adjusting a little more. Holidays are scarey because of the kids and others not understanding where I am or wanting to know why. I dont like the questions because they dont like the answers;) It does get better! Big Hugs to you!!!

I also have found out important family events and issues from others. I also have read things in the paper. It is a sad hurt feeling when this occurs! I do understand this very much! I live in a very small town. Its harder on the kids. I also tried to post a memorial on a funeral home website. The family rejected my post:( It was not a good feeling. I did get to post one on a site that belongs to the newspaper so they didnt win out completely. I think its terrible they couldnt even let me say kind words about my Uncle:( Very sad! But I also have many treasures from him. I have bought a few things as well. Things that remind me of my beloved Uncle. Maybe you have a picture and you could put in a frame with a poem. I am sorry E4TA for the loss of your Uncles:( Hugs to you Again!!

Beth, you are right. It is not productive in anyway! I told her sorry. My post made it sound like it was an ongoing thing but it was just one day. One day too many!!

E4TA,
It's good to see you here on the forum again.

I am so sorry to hear about your uncles. It saddened me to learn of the way that you heard about them. That must have hurt terribly.

Know that you are supported here - always!

omigod!!! you guys have been through so much! it's almost unbelievable!!! freemenow, sorry i was so hard on you! (that's probably a result of my having authoritarian parents. they're totally devoid of human emotions, so they can only talk about robotic factual things) of course, it's wonderful that you're self-reflective, so you can stop the cycle of abuse! e4ta, have you considered living in an intentional community? i used to feel a "spiritual homelessness" or existential loneliness. but living in dorms & coops made things much better, because there were so many other supportive people (who were also different from the "mainstream", and therefore more likely to understand me, and become friends, not just shallow acquaintances) also... have you tried to join interest/activity groups? kelli, thanks for the warm welcome!

Hi everyone. I'm brand new to this website; I found this post in a web search and am so grateful for this place where we can all relate to each other. I'm 25 and still suffer from verbal/emotional abuse from my father. My parents are still married and my mother has always been the enabler. My mom and sister are both very passive, whereas I grew up to be much more aggressive. (So yes, I guess that makes me the "mean sister!" hahaha) My sister is two years younger than me, which doesn't seem like a big difference, but she doesn't remember a lot of the stuff I do. I've replayed situations for her, and there is just no recollection whatsoever. We are complete opposites to this day, and I fear she is emotionally stunted. I'll admit I started skimming the past posts after a while... just so much to read. But one thing that stuck out at me was the lack of therapy mentioned here. I'm on my FOURTH therapist, and she is absolutely wonderful... the therapist I always felt I needed. The first therapist I went to was to help the relationship I had with my father. (Hilarious!) My mom forced us to go... I'm not sure how old I was.. maybe 10, 12? I remember listing off things he did to show how huge of an [censored] he was, and he couldn't ever defend himself. The therapist finally told my mother something and we stopped going... I imagine it was that no progress was being made. I OD'd on pills shortly after I turned 18. I had a physically/verbally abusive boyfriend, who my parents couldn't stand. (In hindsight, of course I dated him... abuse was what I was used to.) I was spiraling downwards and couldn't get help, so the pills were my cry. I spent 3 nights in the ER psych ward, and it was horrendous. I didn't belong there. I knew I needed help, but had no idea how to find it. My therapist then was nice, but eventually would tell me I was great and didn't need therapy anymore. I would eventually go back, and it wouldn't last long... same cycle. At 23, I met what seemed like a great guy, but stayed even when red flags went off. He was clearly not right for me, or any woman looking to be in a serious relationship, yet I fell for all of his [censored]. At one point I thought I was acting like my abusive father and fell physically ill for quite some time because of it. I found a new therapist who helped, but still never got to the root of my family problems. Here I am at 25, living 3.5 hours away from my family for school. I found a new therapist to help manage bouts of anxiety and depression, and voila! She has delved right into my family problems. The problem with situations like this is the fact that WE CANNOT CHANGE THEM. The only people we can change are OURSELVES. We can make choices as to how to deal with the abusive people. How other people behave is entirely beyond our control. Too often you will notice that suggestions for group/couples therapy are agreed upon just to make the suggestor happy. The only person we need to focus on is ourselves. My father, to this day, is very nasty, controlling, and manipulative. My greatest fear is to end up like him... though I feel that I have enough self-awareness to catch it. The problem becomes how soon can I catch it? How severely has he affected me? All I have ever known from family was abuse and manipulation, but in my opinion, I am the best off of the four of us. I am halfway through law school with an intention to get involved in child advocacy. It won't make money, but it can make a difference. I am very aware of my own problems and issues, and determined to find happiness with myself before worrying about getting into any more romantic relationships. And yes, I have problems with friendships too. I have always had a hard time finding people with whom I can relate and who can relate to me. Not many "average" people understand the repercussions of emotional abuse. I also do not tolerate any [censored] that people throw my way. I may get stuck with my own issues and family, but I do not permit toxic people to enter my life. I apologize for being so long-winded, but that's my deal. I have learned, from therapy, that permanent separation from family is not the way to go. Facing them and learning how to handle them without letting them tear you apart teaches you how to cope better. If you walk away, how will you learn? You can't brush your troubles under the rug and expect them to disappear. I'll admit it... the day my father dies, a giant load will be lifted from my shoulders. But I'm still partially financially dependent on them. And my mom, although the enabler, is still good to me. I firmly believe in taking all the bad we have been given and turning it into good somehow. WE know how it feels. We can't change them, but we can "fix" our own wounds.