BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

maybe my sister picked up his attitude that the step kids were a pain in his behind!!

Hi and thank you for sharing your story. Mine is so similar. I recently cut my parents off and I am still counting the days. So far it has only been six days. I have cut them off on and off from my life. Never longer than a month. This time though something has changed inside me and I physically feel sick when I have contact with them. My two older brothers will not speak to me because they have sided with my father. My mother is an alcoholic who prides herself in the fact that she hasn't drank in two years now. Which is wonderful but her behavior is still the same. My dad sucks the life out of me. He is bipolar and is an all or nothing guy. If you don't share his views, ideas and emotions you are the enemy. The part that truly boggles my mind is that my brothers feel the same way as I do, however one depends on him financially and is an all around 38 year old loser and the other is a 36 year old alcoholic who briefly lived with my husband and myself while he got on his feet after a terrible breakup. Now he won't even answer a text message or return my call because I am sure my dad has spilled his guts to any and all who will listen to his one sided, manipulative story of what happened between us. Nothing is ever kept between my parents and one of us. He tells everybody everything he knows. Mom just goes along for the ride, with no opinion of her own. Just the one Dad gives her. He says I am crazy. I am so angry that my brothers have shared the same feelings toward them with me but don't have the guts to stand up to them. This is so hard for me. I am trying so hard to carve out my own identity without them. I feel terrible about it all. I know that I need to stay away, it just hurts so bad.

notjustme,
Please don't feel terrible about your choice to remove yourself from the abuse. I can understand how much it must hurt to be away from them. I wish there was something I could say to you that would magically take away your pain. As you endeavor to 'carve out your own identity,' please know that you are special and unique. You are a person of value. You deserve to be loved, respected, and supported. Most of all, you deserve a life without any form of abuse. Continue to stand strong.

thank you

I do not have contact with parents or sister unless there is an emerg. I have noticed glaringly that while reading these posts: I relive the rejection daily. The neglect is why my heart hurts. I want them to love me. Being hit or beaten does not run through my mind a thousand times a day like the yearning for acceptance or the pain of critizism. My bad memories are of teeth gritting,cruel words,talked down to,ignored,being left out,shunned,dirty looks that to me meant "I cant stand you". Does this mean that emotional pain far outways the physical? Because I rarely recall being struck unless I am with an angry person who is yelling and or threatening. Just my experience. Im sure it is different for all. Reading here helped me see some things. Also I am pained when I see them because while they sicken me I still want to love them and run for my life at the same time. the turmoil is torture. Out of sight out mind is my goal. Thanks to you all! HUGS!!

Hi freemenow; I don't have that issue to be concerned about because the individuals involved in my mess are all dead. But I honestly don't feel I could have any contact with them at all and still recover from this. The fear alone was so great for me that it was nearly 7 years after my father died before I could even begin to consciously remember the stuff he did to me. The others had been gone for 10, 29 & 40 years, respectively. For me, it would have to be an all or nothing type of thing. There's no way I could go on and continue to progress and grow with those jerks still in my life. Hope and pray you are able to find what works best for you....

Hi Julie, Glad to see you:) its been a minute;) Let us know how you are doing. I wish the best for you and think of you often. Im glad that your abusers are long gone . I wish peace for you now. I hope your recovery is progressing forward. Mine is up and down. I just keep going and it is so hard at times. Im really glad this forum excists!! I have trouble keeping everything in order around the house. Its a big job for me. Lots of struggles and hurdles. Im getting a little more grounded as the weeks go by. I am crying less. I have found that socializing has helped very much. Small doses:) It has helped me see that Im pretty likable:) Its been a rough road! My vision of my self was so blurred by creepy family attitudes. I dont want to hide anymore:) Being with other people helps me move forward. I spoke with my moms brother for the first time about abuse and he was upset too. We had both been keeping the secret! I feel less of a singled out target now. I realize they mistreat alot of people not just my brother and I. I dont wish this on others but its good not to be alone and or different. I want to STOP feeling bad about myself because some ROTTEN people couldnt love their own daughter!! SHAME on them! NOT me! Im gonna love myself and be strong. Im gonna let other people love me because I am lovable. Im gonna replace them w/ healthy people! I want to be out in the sun:) and not hide in the dark:) Hugs to everyone here!! Thank you Kellie, I hope you are doing great!! You are doing a wonderful thing here!! God Bless You!!!

Notjustme, I just read your previous posts! sorry, I have trouble keeping up:( I am running in place half the time. My story is just about the same as yours. I too started feeling sick when I was around my incredibly unhealthy family. It occurrs to me that it is the turning point! It is a good thing!!! It is when you realize that youve outgrown the mess! the drama! the pain!! I just could not do it anymore and had to break free. I too would get free for periods and then go back. We all want to be in a family but unfortunately ours make it impossible! I chose therapy as a means of support. I needed help for the pain of letting them go. I needed help in freeing myself. I want to out grow this old way of life! It is very painful! Just think......they are miserable,Right? We cant fix them, Right? We can only help ourselves:):):) They are miserable with or without us! I needed and still need to build me up and shield myself!!! Sick people need someone to blame. They love to fight. I chose to step out of the ring:) As the fog lifts............they're opinions have less of a hold on me:) Its like drinking alcohol. If we drink,we cant think clear. If we stay away from those who try to confuse and control.....we can think clear!!! I know,that you can think clear because I read your words. We see it very CLEAR!!!!! thats why we dont go along w/ them!!! Im getting better. Its not fun. But being stuck in a messy,angry,drunken,lieing,blaming freak show was NO longer for me:)lol. You can get thru this:):) HUGS!!!!!

Nice job, freemenow!! Very well said; and I totally agree. It's very tough to take a stand like that, but, for me, it was vital. I can't get better and heal when I have any contact whatsoever with people who constantly insist on focusing on their own agenda. That includes arguing, game playing, mind games.... The list goes on. I choose to go through the pain.... I've already won!

freemenow; good to hear from you! Keep up the good work! Ups and downs are normal; it does get better over time. Take care & God bless!!