BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Stuck in Pergatory

Hi, this is only second time i have done something like this. Well here is my story i been with this guy for about threee years. Our first year was ok but i should have seen flags a long time ago,first it stared i found him talking to his ex. then a year and half into it he cheated come to find out was not the first time i left him for six moths and then we got back together.Last year on New Years he hit me knocked me down and then blamed me. We tryed to work it out but i kept my distance but i couldnt leave for some reason i feel compelled by him almost like an addiction. This year we took a vaction to Denver for New years New years eve we had an intimate talk and it turned into an argument. I went to sleep on the other bed in the room and he jumped on top of me and punched me in the face till i blacked out, when i got up he was yelling i swung at him to prevent the next blow it only angered him more, he beat me till the neighbors came. the cops came took a statment and treated me like i deserved it being we lived in another state they pretty much just let it go. i still followed up and he has a warrent in Denver but that dose me no good here. How can a Marine a man that saved our country fought for our freedom be so evil inside. I have left him at this point he still trying to come over and talk to me an i feeel torn i loved this man for so long. how do you heal how do you move on how do you let go from the anger? he has a great job, new girls all the time the house we lived in. I ended up homeless jobless and broken. How is this fair i still have physicall damage that will take years to heal. but most of all my broken heart and broken soul. I am just venting but it be nice to know in the end he will lose he will pay for what he did to me all these years. WHy did i have to loose everything and i was the victum yet he lives with his held high with no reprocussion for his actions

I want to say welcome and that I can empathize with much that you said. I was with my husband for 7 1/2 years. He cheated numerous times. Vacations always turned into arguments/abuse. He is living in the house I own bringing in who knows who. I loved him for so long and started a family. When I left, I knew there was no going back. When you leave an abuser and go back, there may be a honeymoon period but the abuse will be worse when it starts back up, and it will start back up. I understand the anger. When I first left, I went to a support group. The counselor started talking about anger. My first reaction was "I'm not angry; I'm disappointed, hurt, scared, feeling guilty (for taking his kids from him) but not angry." Then I started thinking about it and I realized I am [censored] off. This man ruined my family. I waited until I was 32 to have kids with someone I thought would be a great father and he ruined it. I wanted the dog, picket fence, 2.4 children, and a husband to be a father to our children. He took that dream and mortally wounded it. What was left of it, I had to kill. Now I am a single mother with oh so much on my plate with no support. How dare he? At this point, when I feel my weakest, remembering the tender moments, the feelings of love, and the loving acts ( and there were many), I have to remember my anger. Anger right now is helpful to me. Eventually, when I am stronger, I will let go of it but it is seeing me through a rough patch. Of course I can't let it consume me, I have children to think about and laugh for, but when I am alone and feeling particularly vulnerable, I bring out a little of that anger to remind me that he will not change and he has put me in this position. I know none of it seems fair. I think many of us end up leaving with little to nothing. But think of it this way, you got to leave with you while he is stuck with himself. Who got the better end of the deal? He will never be happy with himself, he will always need someone to control. You, however, can rebuild. You can get a job, mend your heart, and enjoy life knowing you are stronger for having left. It will be tough but be willing to accept as well as ask for help along the way. You don't have to be alone. This is only temporary as someone recently told me when I was feeling especially weak. The paths you can take are so numerous now compared to the one dead end, literally, that you were traveling before. I recently found this forum myself and found several supportive people here. It may take a minute before you get many responses but the ladies who reach out are wonderful. I heard it picks up in the winter. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Stay strong and if you need to "talk" we are here.

Hello Pergatory, and welcome to BellaOnline. This is a good place for you to find help.

Do you have CAAW (Committee To Aid Abused Women) in your area? Their home page is at CAAW, Just click here.

This will give you some information that may help you. It is not right that you are still suffering physically and emotionally. You need to seek whatever help you can find. There are many organizations that can help one who does not have the finances to pay for help.

Here is another link to visit: Help For Abused And Battered Women. and scroll down to 'Where to Turn for Help'.

It is so important that you get the help you need so you can begin to heal in all ways. Do not give up until you find help.

I send prayers for strength and healing for you.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Our Domestic Violence editor, Jeanette, also has a list of resources available at State by State Resources

Check out those sites to see if you can find something in your area.

Anger is the hard part, isn't it? I have been away from my abuser since May 2004 and still to this day, I am angry. he is sponges off the system (he claims he is mentally ill, collects social security and food stamps and pays little rent in the apartment building he lives in for mental ill people), he has not seen his son since July 2004. Meanwhile, I have the kids, I work a full time job, my new husband is disabled, I have a lot on his plate. I am not angry that I have all this, I love my kids and my husband more then anything but the ex sits on his rear while we struggle. I honestly feel like I will never be over that anger I feel towards him, it doesn't affect my life anymore like it used to. I have found spiritaul ways to help deal with my emotions (I am Buddhist) but it is still hard after 7 years.

Nikkirae, Thank you so much for your response to my post. I think a lot of my problem is my pride i have yet to seek help or support this has been my first step in 7 months i told my family and some friend but i act strong but in reality im so broken i can breath sometimes. I have regained my life i have a great job with a lot of support my car and recently and apartment all alone so i cant say im still struggling. But i still have some physical pain from the broken jaw and teeth i plan to get this fixed now i have insurance therw my job. I just cant seem to find peace with this. Im so bitter and angry aggitated almost everyday i try to work out not drink spend time with quality friends, But after it all i still feel alone and broken inside like i cant really let go or cry or break down i have to be strong cause if i break just a little i may shatter into a thousand pieces and never find myself. Im so angry its been hard on myself my friends and my job i push everyone away to prevent them from seeing me dead inside. I just cant understand how a God could give so much much burden to those who try to do good and treat the demonds of this world like kings. Iknow im out and better off, and i know he will never change and the next girl will get it worse. But i honestly can say i want him to suffer the most miserable life to hurt the way i did and still do. I know this anger inside me is not healthy and its preventing me from moving on but if i let that fire go i will burn out and become another persons victim. I feel almost possed by the devil himself some days and i never in my life thought i could hold so much hate and anger, yet love for one person in my life. Jeanette i sympothize with you on a very deep level im happy you have found happiness. And know that miserable ffffff will sit there and rott in his hole alone and sad and unstable, well let him you may struggle but atleast you have someone that loves you struggling right next to you with love respect and a kind word. I spent month living out of my car bouncing off couches his family was mine i was alone my family is dead gone or in jail. I now have great apprication for the people in my life who have held my up in my darkest moments. I hope one day to have half of what you have. And hope one day someone will love all my broken pieces. Thank you for your story and your loving thoughts its nice to know i am not ever really alone.

Pergatory, I just got done writing you a long response with the arrow hoovering over submit when my computer shut down to install updates. I will retype the post at a later time, I am sleepy now. I just wanted to let you know though that I am thinking of you and hoping you have a peaceful night. Take care and stay strong.

Nikkirae, Thank you i need the support today i came to work to find my work fish Dillian dead as small as it was i cried i cried hard. I dont think it was really about the fish but it deeply saddened me to loose him. I just feel weak today emotionally. Thanks for sending your love every little bit is greatly appriciated by me :} today will be a good day

Hi pergatory!

I'm sorry to hear about Dillian. I just got a Beta. He was so small. Flambouyant coloring and every single day I would check on him and I don't know exactly what it is, a little though I do, but I'm like. O.k. I don't think I can handle it if I end up killing you, but - then I looked at it as, where he was in a tiny cup sitting on a shelf in a store, he gets to experience something different.

I think living beings, whatever form they come to us, represent life. Some death...blockage, destruction and even those roads show us what feels (good/bad - positive/negative).

The good roads feel so wonderful, but I have to say if it wasn't for the awful ones, I wouldn't be writing here. Not a single post. My ex destroyed my last forum. I was just one person, had my own site and 3000 subscribers... Pretty cool. Not one advertisement either. Just me. He even made it a point to contact my previous clients. Got into my accounts, even after I changed my passwords. Just a sad individual. He's nothing to me now. His thrill wore off...mine is growing every day

Anyway, I'm here now and love this community. We really do make connections through experiences. I think the more painful ones make us reach out and the "good" positive ones, continue those connections and blossom.

That's what I've come to experience anyway. Glad U'r here!

Pergatory, thought I would try and recreate my last post that got erased, or at least hit the highlights and add a few more thoughts. First wanted to say sorry about Dillian, I just lost 2 dogs back in October. Long story for another day, but trying to save them put me into labor with my youngest. Their deaths was like a shadow over what should have been tied with the best day of my life (giving birth). It is just another crack in an already broken heart. I know what you mean about not being able to find peace. My problem I think is that I don't want to find peace yet, I'm not ready to let go. As a child, watching the abuse then later watching my dad become so ill, it was a snowball effect that led me down a long and twisted path of destruction. I realize now that I was passively committing suicide. I drank too much, smoked too much, took too many drugs, slept with too many guys- did all that just waiting to die. Ended up going into a stress unit at a hospital for 11 days. Left there still messed up and decided to "cure" myself with acid and the wonderful insights into life it gives you. Bet you can guess how well that worked. Well, this has been a round-about way of telling you about a book that really helped me let go of all the trauma and hurt I had been through. It is called "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. This book was the only thing that has helped me find peace within myself. That was about 10 years ago. I went and bought the book again. I'm waiting to start reading it. Like I say, I don't know if I am ready to let go yet. I think part of me is punishing myself for taking his children away from him. I was putting them to bed tonight and the thought came to me that he may never see his children again before he dies, which may or may not be a long time from now considering how much he drinks and smokes. I'm sorry to bring my ramble to your thread, bringing it back to you, you should check out that book when you are ready. From what I remember, one of the author's children was killed and the book is about her learning to move on from such tragedy. Well, I wasn't able to recreate any of my last post except for mentioning the book. The rest has been forgotten in this whirlwind that has become my thoughts. Part of my problem is I just keep remembering... Sorry if I rambled to much or didn't help much. I'm really tired and feeling so emotionally exhausted. I hope you had a good day today and are now having sweet dreams.

Sorry, wanted to tell you that the book that was most helpful was not "The Language of Letting Go" but the sequel "More Language of Letting Go." They are in calendar format with a slight religious bent but not over the top. If you can't tell, I pulled the books off the shelf. Just wanted to get my feet wet is all. Time for a towel and bed. Going to go remininsce for a minute before sleep.

Elleise, thank you for the support and kinds words. Your right i would not be who i am today without my bad trips. I am greatful i have been so lucky to find support threw some really good friends that can relate to my situation. It sucks that one person can destroy something of yours that your doing to help yourself and others just really annoys me. I like how you put the thrill wore off i totally get what you mean by that.Im very happy i have found you all it really helps with the little reminders i am not alone. Nikkirae, I am going to go and look for this book when i get a free minute.. Yea its weird how you can get attached to the little things in life it just goes to show how fragile life can be. I think all of us at some point have done things like that. I was kinda in your boat didnt get to much into drugs but i did do them every once in awhile drinkin on the other hand was my vice for sure and boys i was always looking for love in all the wrong places thats for sure. I have a nine year old daughter that i put up for adoption after a rape that happened it took me a long time to accept that fate in my life and the loss of my child. She has a great family and i talk to her all the time so i cant complain. My ex was the first person to visit her with me i hate i let him get so close to me and my life i think that is another reason i dont want to let go of this anger i have. Also i dont mind you ramble i like it now im not the only one who gets on here and crys over a silly fish. We all have our past but the fact we have eachother and relate to most of these situations show we are getting stronger and making better choices for ourselfs and our familys.Im sorry you are so drainedi have thise days to where i just cant seem to shake the funk im in. you can always vent to me i have no problem with that. I hope you are feeling better today. Thanks for your support

I have definitely been in a funk lately, words that I want to say just not comming out. And I don't know what I would do without this forum at the moment. I have been obsessing so much and being able to talk with ya'll means so much. THe children have a way of making things a little bearable. I am so sorry you went through what you did but your beautiful girl was meant to be. That's what I keep reminding myself when I think about how I should have left sooner. I should have left when I was 4 mos. pregnant and he started getting physical again, I should have left after son was born and my husband about bit my nose off, I should have left when I was pregnant with my 2nd and husband threatened to kick me in the face with steel toed boots so I would go through the window. Shoulda's, regrets, all the pain... Our children were meant to be, God/the world/the stars have a plan for our children. I am going to bring back to you what you said to me. I like to think that your daughter chose you for a mother and she was born to you to heal your pain. You get to see her blosoom and share in her growth, it's amazing.

Thanks Nikkirea, i do ask myself sometimes why me. What have i ever done to deserve my life so broken. I may never have an answer to that but i will say this i love myself and if thats all i end up with well then its more then most :). Im sorry you have been in such a funck but im glad to have you to talk to i like reading your post and talking with you to. So far today i just feel tierd after the death of my grandma and working i think i have slep twelve hours in three days. But life dose no stop for me. Your right shoulda woulda coulda, i honestly think everyone on this blog can relate to that feeling. I watched a movie recently it was fiction but it was about fate and how one little thing think spilling coffee on your shirt makes you turn around to clean and while your back is turned your path taken has changed. If you hadnt stayed you wouldnt have your children and be suffering this alone. Remeber dont dwell on what you cant change, change what you can control. Hard long process but worth it when your on top. I send my love and support your way. Keep your head up there is good coming your way.

Its been a couple of days since i been on here have not really heard much back in a little while. Life has been petty normal last few days. I guess i was just looking to see how everyone else is doing. I realized last night that i am more broken from my few years in this domestic relationship then i thought i got into a hugh fight with this guy at the bar for grabbing my butt and i freaked out i got so angry i chased him down and yelled and screamed at him in the parking lot not even thinking about my safty or how he might react the worst part is he was holding his girlfriends hand and she was clueless defending him i mean really dude you have not respect for yourself......Then i got to thinking neither do i for myself i let this man lie, cheat manipulate and beat me for years yet i stayed and gave him myself to the fullest. How did i grow up to hate myself so much why would i think anyone would respect me if i cant even stand up for myself. And here i thought i was doing so good for myself. i feel like im back to square one will i ever get out of this selfdestructive behavior before it consumes my life and kills me, will i ever find it in myslef to love me or am i just to broken to bother even being fixed. Why cant life just relax and give us wounded a chance to heal i feel sad for myself she has no chance.Sad realization today

You know, that happens and you know what else? You're perfectly, in fact, it's a sign that you're healthy/normal, really...here's why

While you're going through it, you have this thing inside, it's like a survival instinct. Think of it as novocaine. From all directions you pretty much, your being is under attack.

There are things that happen whatever we're doing, it's not always DV, but things happen and they reveal stuff.


Those "normal days" ? Those are the days you usually stand still and believe that it's not so bad, kind of a recovery period, but they're there more for self-reflection I believe, when you can just breath in and out for awhile and dream..but also get those ducks in order

Pergatory, I am so sorry for all that you've been through. I too am dealing with the after-effects of being with an abusive man, and I find it so strange that no matter what they do to us, that instinct to go back to them still remains. I too felt like I've lost everything. But the most important thing to remember is, you still have YOU, broken and lost as you might feel, YOU are still YOU (and alive), and you will heal and you will have a great life without him. Rest assured that no matter who he is with, his issues will always come out. Each new woman will see this side of him, and he may never change. Open your heart to new possibilities and you will be amazed at the doors that will open...

WishingStar, thank you i was feeling ecspecially sad today. I had a date this weekend for the first time since my breakup i been feeling strong and ready. This guy planned this with me for over a week and two hours the day of before our date he told me he no longer wanted to take me..see ya. he said some really mean things and it really upset me i allowed myself to get hurt again i mean i only let my gaurd down for two min. Wow i just feel that men all the way around are all masters of disquise and nothing they do or say is real. I hate this thought that i will always be disappointed by the other sex....And the worst part it makes me miss my ex even though he was awful to me i rather deal with that then this unpredictable world of dating. Ugh please help me God is all i can say today. ihave traped my self in two worlds that are about to collid in a very negative way today. Just venting im sure tomorrow will be a new and better day and im sure this was one of Gods ways of protecting me im trying to look at all the positives but honestly i wanna cry and freak out.

It's clear that this new guy wasn't even worth your time anyway. Better to find out now before you get emotionally attached, then to have to wait for a year or longer... I am working really hard to listen to the signs that my path is giving me. Maybe it is just a sign that you need more time to focus on yourself... I am trying to figure out what I can do to heal and get more in touch with myself, and I think it is a long process. The more positive and focused we are as women on our goals and self love, the closer we get to attracting people into our lives that love us and respect us for who we truly are. There are good guys out there, and someday we wil be writing in the love section talking about how great true love is :) HUGS!!! WishingStar

PS A good cry can be theraputic sometimes, let it out, don't hold it in...

I have to say this,

Congratulations on making or taking that first step. The fact that you are mentally and physically open to different possibilities, is a virtual (not iron-clad) but by being open, you've pretty much positioned yourself for better opportunities. Most women I've spoken with, don't accept dates, they just keep going back because it's familiar. When they leave, it's more of a threat in hopes it will make them change.

The reason they have power over you is because they've broken "The Dream"/self-worth. Once they do that, in general, there's a compulsion to go back to the "source" and get it back.

But it's like an elevator. It will only go up and down. That's it!

When you regain the ability to step outside of expectations of what you know-are familiar with, etc., maybe out of every 10 attempts, there's 2 in there that will shine and be worth the effort and change your life!

These days, caring people are hard to find. It's mostly "what can you do for me?" It's hard to trust people. People don't even make eye contact anymore, which is why I go out of my way to. It's still there, though maybe not quite utilized as much, but very much real and worth the effort of investigating ((hugs))

Oh yes WhisingStar you are very correct about this i was sad at first and then i was greatful to not of had to play the fool again in a year when he let me down. Oh well it was a new step, and yes i think i still need some more time alone but it was nice to see i could say yes. I have found some great girlfriends saved me from my lonely days, we made a bucket list for the summer and we are actually doing it, we been to concerts,california,skiing,hiking,got a gym membership, volunteer work we are doing all the things i felt i couldnt do in my relationship. Try it make one simple goal its fun we did an arts and craft day as well and made each other a gift from the heart its awsome its a new kinda love not a worried sad kinda love. And to cry makes me feel weak and so i think until i feel i can handle a good cry i should keep it to myself.

Elleise, Well you have a great point i never looked a it that way i just thought it would be nice to get out and be apart of the real world, but ithink the real world is not ready for me. I do have to say it has impacted my work i have become very recentful and angry at work it is starting to be notice but i cant seem to shke the hostility i feel all the time, its not towards work its just i feel aggitated and mean almost all the time so many things are starting to bother me that never would be before. Im worried it is going to become a real problem for me at work. Any suggestions to get out of this mood and feel less aggresive over such little things.

Hi pergatory :) I so know what u are saying about your feelings infiltrating work! Mine have too. Just the other day my boss told me to get my life together so I can be more present at work... I really dont know how to shake it, but am open to suggestions as well. Take care :)

If you're still living with the person, it's harder.

Every energy you build for yourself is sucked away by them. Even when you give the slightest hint, there's something more interesting than they are out there (doesn't have to be a guy) they start their stuff again.

If you're living separately, it's better. You're more able to block them out and move in baby steps to a better way of living.

Either way, there's really only one way out to get a life worth living back together. That's, find the beauty in life and in youself, something usually they could care less if you ever found at all and are even threatened by your finding it. It would give you empowerment and people would be naturally attracted to you, intrigued.

When you induce that, you've instigated for them competition.

You got to get the anger out, I suggest a punching pag. And then you need to get up early, just for you. Get a cup of coffee, some herbal supplements or vitamins (I like St. Johns Wart), a favorite chair and watch the sun come up before heading into work and yet giving even more to someone that isn't you. If you can manage a sunset, all the better.

You start taking care of you, because nobody else has and rewrite that canvas of yours

Today i live in hell. My ex is wanting to talk, he misses me and so on. Today i feel weak and i have missed him so much latley for six years we spent our lives together and granted not all of it was good i admit but we did have some realy great times. 90% of our life together was grea. it was that 10% that killed us. He never use to be that evil guy and in a way i want my love back.But i know im just being weak. I prayed to God today to make me strong but it dose not feel strong enough i need real encouragment today. Im sad and lonley i have tried dating all the men in this world seem to all be screwd up i have my girls and my hobbies but i just feel lost today and very alone. I just need to vent i guess. :( feeling the pain today big time. Why dose it have to hurt so much for so long. I just want my life back the happy heathly me back.I want to just go home and hide from this feeling. But i can escape it today. boo!

Pergatory,

Big hugs to you this challenging day. I offer you some tools to help you find clarity in your path.

Take a long soak in the tub. Listen to soothing music. Light pleasing scented candles. Take several deep cleansing breaths.

When you sense that your insides have calmed go to a mirror and look in your own eyes. Ask yourself ...

Do I love the person that I am?
Am I a stronger person for the decisions I've made?
Do I believe I am on a life path that will bring me long term positive outcomes?

Do not force the answers ... just listen to them. The wondrous thing about this exercise is when our truth speaks an unsettling answer to us it is valuable information to our own clarity and can point out the "why" when we suffer setbacks that we can't quite figure out.

Be sure to do this exercise when your body is relaxed and your mind isn't "screaming" at you. That is just your body's way of asking for attention. Long bath, soothing music, pleasant smells, and deep breathing should accomplish that goal nicely.

Another tool I can offer you is what I call positive message reinforcement. It takes but a moment. Upon wakening make your first thought a positive thought of a future goal but state it to yourself in the present tense.

An example:

Rather than tell yourself "One day I will be happy." Make it a statement of fact. Say, "Today I am happy." Say it out loud and allow it to wash over and through you.

There is no need to dwell on the statement any further in your day. Just be sure to make your statement your first thought of the day, regardless. Over time you will find that your statement is a reality and then you can move onto your next goal.

May these suggestions bless you with insight. I will keep you close in my thoughts.

Deb love the pic btw big cat fan myself. I will take your advice i will go to the gym today see my good friend for a bit and head home take a showe listen to my fave songs and relax. I got a new recliner the other day maybe have a beer and enjoy a goodmovie with myself. I think i just needed the reminder i like myself and my life and its ok to hurt once in awhile. I appriciate you taking the time to listen to me vent. Its nice to know my works are no longer just a wisper in a dark hallway. I will check in tomorrow and let you know how im doing as for today. it will be a great day. thank you

I look forward to hearing how you day went Pergatory. You have a voice and it is pleasing to see you using it.

Deb today is a good day very busy at work but your advice was great and im glad i took it. I spent the night with myself and it was PERFECT it really helped me remeber why i am here and the good parts of being where i am. So thank you for letting cry my little river then build the bridge to get over it. so big ((hugs)) for your listening ear

Pergatory,

I'm so glad you were able this time to "resist" and enjoy your own space/company. You're right, it can be hellatious!

For the most part there can be lots of great things around, if only the person could control themselves or have the respect to want to. The kids are beautiful, the holidays are (well the image of them) is nice, the idea of family and all, I've even seen it to where, like the inmates in prison claim to have found God through their errors, so too has now the person who use to take a hand to you. You want to believe it too.

The holidays will be here shortly. Memories, especially, will be hard.

They or you may say, well, it's just this once and the kids want to see their dad, I don't want to spend Thanksgiving/Christmas alone. You're not...there are others around.

Just keep in mind, if you have to go back, it will be nice temporarily and make certain you take with you a plan of action to exit for if/when the time comes. Holidays, people drink, you'll need a.b.c. to keep you and your kids safe. This is usually something you'll need maybe not the first night, but after you've had sex, make sure you have that plan.

Going back is one thing. Going back naively is an entirely different price tag.

Pergatory,

It is pleasing to hear that you enjoyed time spent with yourself and that you found an effective bridge. It takes a lot of courage to express inner moments of darkness and even greater courage to face them.

It is easy to see that you are a strong person. I hope that in time we will see your handle evolve into something more reflective of your newly found insight. You have a bright light in you and though it may get marred from fear and uncertainty from time to time makes it shine no less brightly.

It is a pleasure speaking with you. Blessings that you find fewer bumps along your path. I keep you close in my thoughts.

Thank you ladies, Yes Elleise you are very correct this is not the first time i have went into something thinking it would change when he cheated i took him back im pretty sure he never cheated again but his rath of feeling imprisoned i guess came out another way, I know no all people who do bad things are evil people it it is an insite to the demonds they carry. And his were a burden to me for way to long i have realized i had to give up some of myself to love him. And that is not real love? Well i want more i want to be happy and if i have to do it alone then i will. Im sad for people who live their life in such a hell they take it out on other i can not imagaine the pain that must cause. I think the excuse that you been hurt in the past or broken is a bad one to force yourself in a life of solidtude i know my ex suffers from abandomnet issues and insecuriteis like most of the world but how you chose to deal with them shows how strong your root character is. Im no angle i know that but i have sought help anytime i could not figure out how to do it what felt the right way. As for the holidays well i never had family and for the short time i had one with him it was great. But now my family has steped up i will be home with them this year a new start a new future, also i have made some really great girlfriends that have the same kinda broken parts and family so we will do Chirstmas together this year and combine our families honestly i am very excited to do all of this. Yes i will miss it all for a very long time. But i will just remeber the reasons i left and move on. its not easy and even God sometimes is not strong enough to help me fight the urge to just be alone. but i admit i find help here just talking and knowing for once im being listened to and not blown off. that my words actually mean something. Have no fear i have no intentions of returning to this guy im sure people change but maybe its best if he just treats the next girl better and i take it as a loss. Im to tiered to fight anymore and exhusted at living in fear. I miss him yes i will always have a form of love for him yes. But i need to move on and find someone to love me the way i loved him. completely

Pergatory,

Your words (your voice) are really inspiring!

The hardest part I think is that inbetween area/transition before you see the possibility of light on the other side. Every situation has one, no matter how impossible they might seem, it's just making yourself believe there is when you're just not feeling it.

I agree with you so much about all of us have had something done to us, but the people who go out of their way to dish their pain outside of themselves onto another, there's no justifiable reason for it, no matter what you've experienced in your past.

A person who can walk away from pain, in a positive sense...not lashing out obnoxiously or resentfully has already increased their attractiveness 100 fold!

It's that kind of beauty that will radiate and catch the attention of someone that actually wants to make the effort, is glad to, to be there for the person they cherish and want to share all that life has to offer, with them.

I'm so happy for you

I

Im looking back at my post how sad. Its been a year to the date i made my big move. A seems to come and go so fast i have done so much in this year. So many good and bad memories. Im amazed i still feel so many emotions about this guy even though it has been a year. Im so excited i hav made the nest step to change that. Im excited i have something amazing to look forward to in this New Year. I have moments of missing him the family and all the good times. But i realized it is getting easier to let him go now i have found so many things to replace him with. I now pray for his peace and hope he finds a way to be happy. I still hold some saddness in my heart for him for our lost life. But now i see it in such a different way. I am greatful i have my group my words and this new empowerment as a once hurt women. I am no longer a victim. I have escaped that lable of oh that girl how stupid to be with that guy. Now im that girl she is so strong. I love myself today and everyday. I look back on this on my times of weakness and i remeber why i did what i did and i smile. I did it! My head is held high today.

Pin a gold star on your shirt! You sound like you are growing stronger by the day and that your new year is off to a great start! Stay strong!

Thanks Eurogirl. Its only half the battle. I hope people in this year follow my lead. I use to be so weak. I mean if i can do oh my ANYONE can it. My next step is to sell everything i own start with a clean new life. Well almost everything. I really plan to change so much and so far i have accompished o many of my small goals, i learn to take baby steps in goal setting makes it a lot easier to actuall follow through on them.

You sound great, Pergatory. I am so happy for you.

thanks for the update, i often wonder what happens to people who post here and never come back.