BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Stuck in Pergatory

Hi, this is only second time i have done something like this. Well here is my story i been with this guy for about threee years. Our first year was ok but i should have seen flags a long time ago,first it stared i found him talking to his ex. then a year and half into it he cheated come to find out was not the first time i left him for six moths and then we got back together.Last year on New Years he hit me knocked me down and then blamed me. We tryed to work it out but i kept my distance but i couldnt leave for some reason i feel compelled by him almost like an addiction. This year we took a vaction to Denver for New years New years eve we had an intimate talk and it turned into an argument. I went to sleep on the other bed in the room and he jumped on top of me and punched me in the face till i blacked out, when i got up he was yelling i swung at him to prevent the next blow it only angered him more, he beat me till the neighbors came. the cops came took a statment and treated me like i deserved it being we lived in another state they pretty much just let it go. i still followed up and he has a warrent in Denver but that dose me no good here. How can a Marine a man that saved our country fought for our freedom be so evil inside. I have left him at this point he still trying to come over and talk to me an i feeel torn i loved this man for so long. how do you heal how do you move on how do you let go from the anger? he has a great job, new girls all the time the house we lived in. I ended up homeless jobless and broken. How is this fair i still have physicall damage that will take years to heal. but most of all my broken heart and broken soul. I am just venting but it be nice to know in the end he will lose he will pay for what he did to me all these years. WHy did i have to loose everything and i was the victum yet he lives with his held high with no reprocussion for his actions

I want to say welcome and that I can empathize with much that you said. I was with my husband for 7 1/2 years. He cheated numerous times. Vacations always turned into arguments/abuse. He is living in the house I own bringing in who knows who. I loved him for so long and started a family. When I left, I knew there was no going back. When you leave an abuser and go back, there may be a honeymoon period but the abuse will be worse when it starts back up, and it will start back up. I understand the anger. When I first left, I went to a support group. The counselor started talking about anger. My first reaction was "I'm not angry; I'm disappointed, hurt, scared, feeling guilty (for taking his kids from him) but not angry." Then I started thinking about it and I realized I am [censored] off. This man ruined my family. I waited until I was 32 to have kids with someone I thought would be a great father and he ruined it. I wanted the dog, picket fence, 2.4 children, and a husband to be a father to our children. He took that dream and mortally wounded it. What was left of it, I had to kill. Now I am a single mother with oh so much on my plate with no support. How dare he? At this point, when I feel my weakest, remembering the tender moments, the feelings of love, and the loving acts ( and there were many), I have to remember my anger. Anger right now is helpful to me. Eventually, when I am stronger, I will let go of it but it is seeing me through a rough patch. Of course I can't let it consume me, I have children to think about and laugh for, but when I am alone and feeling particularly vulnerable, I bring out a little of that anger to remind me that he will not change and he has put me in this position. I know none of it seems fair. I think many of us end up leaving with little to nothing. But think of it this way, you got to leave with you while he is stuck with himself. Who got the better end of the deal? He will never be happy with himself, he will always need someone to control. You, however, can rebuild. You can get a job, mend your heart, and enjoy life knowing you are stronger for having left. It will be tough but be willing to accept as well as ask for help along the way. You don't have to be alone. This is only temporary as someone recently told me when I was feeling especially weak. The paths you can take are so numerous now compared to the one dead end, literally, that you were traveling before. I recently found this forum myself and found several supportive people here. It may take a minute before you get many responses but the ladies who reach out are wonderful. I heard it picks up in the winter. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Stay strong and if you need to "talk" we are here.

Hello Pergatory, and welcome to BellaOnline. This is a good place for you to find help.

Do you have CAAW (Committee To Aid Abused Women) in your area? Their home page is at CAAW, Just click here.

This will give you some information that may help you. It is not right that you are still suffering physically and emotionally. You need to seek whatever help you can find. There are many organizations that can help one who does not have the finances to pay for help.

Here is another link to visit: Help For Abused And Battered Women. and scroll down to 'Where to Turn for Help'.

It is so important that you get the help you need so you can begin to heal in all ways. Do not give up until you find help.

I send prayers for strength and healing for you.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Our Domestic Violence editor, Jeanette, also has a list of resources available at State by State Resources

Check out those sites to see if you can find something in your area.

Anger is the hard part, isn't it? I have been away from my abuser since May 2004 and still to this day, I am angry. he is sponges off the system (he claims he is mentally ill, collects social security and food stamps and pays little rent in the apartment building he lives in for mental ill people), he has not seen his son since July 2004. Meanwhile, I have the kids, I work a full time job, my new husband is disabled, I have a lot on his plate. I am not angry that I have all this, I love my kids and my husband more then anything but the ex sits on his rear while we struggle. I honestly feel like I will never be over that anger I feel towards him, it doesn't affect my life anymore like it used to. I have found spiritaul ways to help deal with my emotions (I am Buddhist) but it is still hard after 7 years.

Nikkirae, Thank you so much for your response to my post. I think a lot of my problem is my pride i have yet to seek help or support this has been my first step in 7 months i told my family and some friend but i act strong but in reality im so broken i can breath sometimes. I have regained my life i have a great job with a lot of support my car and recently and apartment all alone so i cant say im still struggling. But i still have some physical pain from the broken jaw and teeth i plan to get this fixed now i have insurance therw my job. I just cant seem to find peace with this. Im so bitter and angry aggitated almost everyday i try to work out not drink spend time with quality friends, But after it all i still feel alone and broken inside like i cant really let go or cry or break down i have to be strong cause if i break just a little i may shatter into a thousand pieces and never find myself. Im so angry its been hard on myself my friends and my job i push everyone away to prevent them from seeing me dead inside. I just cant understand how a God could give so much much burden to those who try to do good and treat the demonds of this world like kings. Iknow im out and better off, and i know he will never change and the next girl will get it worse. But i honestly can say i want him to suffer the most miserable life to hurt the way i did and still do. I know this anger inside me is not healthy and its preventing me from moving on but if i let that fire go i will burn out and become another persons victim. I feel almost possed by the devil himself some days and i never in my life thought i could hold so much hate and anger, yet love for one person in my life. Jeanette i sympothize with you on a very deep level im happy you have found happiness. And know that miserable ffffff will sit there and rott in his hole alone and sad and unstable, well let him you may struggle but atleast you have someone that loves you struggling right next to you with love respect and a kind word. I spent month living out of my car bouncing off couches his family was mine i was alone my family is dead gone or in jail. I now have great apprication for the people in my life who have held my up in my darkest moments. I hope one day to have half of what you have. And hope one day someone will love all my broken pieces. Thank you for your story and your loving thoughts its nice to know i am not ever really alone.

Pergatory, I just got done writing you a long response with the arrow hoovering over submit when my computer shut down to install updates. I will retype the post at a later time, I am sleepy now. I just wanted to let you know though that I am thinking of you and hoping you have a peaceful night. Take care and stay strong.

Nikkirae, Thank you i need the support today i came to work to find my work fish Dillian dead as small as it was i cried i cried hard. I dont think it was really about the fish but it deeply saddened me to loose him. I just feel weak today emotionally. Thanks for sending your love every little bit is greatly appriciated by me :} today will be a good day

Hi pergatory!

I'm sorry to hear about Dillian. I just got a Beta. He was so small. Flambouyant coloring and every single day I would check on him and I don't know exactly what it is, a little though I do, but I'm like. O.k. I don't think I can handle it if I end up killing you, but - then I looked at it as, where he was in a tiny cup sitting on a shelf in a store, he gets to experience something different.

I think living beings, whatever form they come to us, represent life. Some death...blockage, destruction and even those roads show us what feels (good/bad - positive/negative).

The good roads feel so wonderful, but I have to say if it wasn't for the awful ones, I wouldn't be writing here. Not a single post. My ex destroyed my last forum. I was just one person, had my own site and 3000 subscribers... Pretty cool. Not one advertisement either. Just me. He even made it a point to contact my previous clients. Got into my accounts, even after I changed my passwords. Just a sad individual. He's nothing to me now. His thrill wore off...mine is growing every day

Anyway, I'm here now and love this community. We really do make connections through experiences. I think the more painful ones make us reach out and the "good" positive ones, continue those connections and blossom.

That's what I've come to experience anyway. Glad U'r here!

Pergatory, thought I would try and recreate my last post that got erased, or at least hit the highlights and add a few more thoughts. First wanted to say sorry about Dillian, I just lost 2 dogs back in October. Long story for another day, but trying to save them put me into labor with my youngest. Their deaths was like a shadow over what should have been tied with the best day of my life (giving birth). It is just another crack in an already broken heart. I know what you mean about not being able to find peace. My problem I think is that I don't want to find peace yet, I'm not ready to let go. As a child, watching the abuse then later watching my dad become so ill, it was a snowball effect that led me down a long and twisted path of destruction. I realize now that I was passively committing suicide. I drank too much, smoked too much, took too many drugs, slept with too many guys- did all that just waiting to die. Ended up going into a stress unit at a hospital for 11 days. Left there still messed up and decided to "cure" myself with acid and the wonderful insights into life it gives you. Bet you can guess how well that worked. Well, this has been a round-about way of telling you about a book that really helped me let go of all the trauma and hurt I had been through. It is called "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. This book was the only thing that has helped me find peace within myself. That was about 10 years ago. I went and bought the book again. I'm waiting to start reading it. Like I say, I don't know if I am ready to let go yet. I think part of me is punishing myself for taking his children away from him. I was putting them to bed tonight and the thought came to me that he may never see his children again before he dies, which may or may not be a long time from now considering how much he drinks and smokes. I'm sorry to bring my ramble to your thread, bringing it back to you, you should check out that book when you are ready. From what I remember, one of the author's children was killed and the book is about her learning to move on from such tragedy. Well, I wasn't able to recreate any of my last post except for mentioning the book. The rest has been forgotten in this whirlwind that has become my thoughts. Part of my problem is I just keep remembering... Sorry if I rambled to much or didn't help much. I'm really tired and feeling so emotionally exhausted. I hope you had a good day today and are now having sweet dreams.