BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Stuck in Pergatory

I have to say this,

Congratulations on making or taking that first step. The fact that you are mentally and physically open to different possibilities, is a virtual (not iron-clad) but by being open, you've pretty much positioned yourself for better opportunities. Most women I've spoken with, don't accept dates, they just keep going back because it's familiar. When they leave, it's more of a threat in hopes it will make them change.

The reason they have power over you is because they've broken "The Dream"/self-worth. Once they do that, in general, there's a compulsion to go back to the "source" and get it back.

But it's like an elevator. It will only go up and down. That's it!

When you regain the ability to step outside of expectations of what you know-are familiar with, etc., maybe out of every 10 attempts, there's 2 in there that will shine and be worth the effort and change your life!

These days, caring people are hard to find. It's mostly "what can you do for me?" It's hard to trust people. People don't even make eye contact anymore, which is why I go out of my way to. It's still there, though maybe not quite utilized as much, but very much real and worth the effort of investigating ((hugs))

Oh yes WhisingStar you are very correct about this i was sad at first and then i was greatful to not of had to play the fool again in a year when he let me down. Oh well it was a new step, and yes i think i still need some more time alone but it was nice to see i could say yes. I have found some great girlfriends saved me from my lonely days, we made a bucket list for the summer and we are actually doing it, we been to concerts,california,skiing,hiking,got a gym membership, volunteer work we are doing all the things i felt i couldnt do in my relationship. Try it make one simple goal its fun we did an arts and craft day as well and made each other a gift from the heart its awsome its a new kinda love not a worried sad kinda love. And to cry makes me feel weak and so i think until i feel i can handle a good cry i should keep it to myself.

Elleise, Well you have a great point i never looked a it that way i just thought it would be nice to get out and be apart of the real world, but ithink the real world is not ready for me. I do have to say it has impacted my work i have become very recentful and angry at work it is starting to be notice but i cant seem to shke the hostility i feel all the time, its not towards work its just i feel aggitated and mean almost all the time so many things are starting to bother me that never would be before. Im worried it is going to become a real problem for me at work. Any suggestions to get out of this mood and feel less aggresive over such little things.

Hi pergatory :) I so know what u are saying about your feelings infiltrating work! Mine have too. Just the other day my boss told me to get my life together so I can be more present at work... I really dont know how to shake it, but am open to suggestions as well. Take care :)

If you're still living with the person, it's harder.

Every energy you build for yourself is sucked away by them. Even when you give the slightest hint, there's something more interesting than they are out there (doesn't have to be a guy) they start their stuff again.

If you're living separately, it's better. You're more able to block them out and move in baby steps to a better way of living.

Either way, there's really only one way out to get a life worth living back together. That's, find the beauty in life and in youself, something usually they could care less if you ever found at all and are even threatened by your finding it. It would give you empowerment and people would be naturally attracted to you, intrigued.

When you induce that, you've instigated for them competition.

You got to get the anger out, I suggest a punching pag. And then you need to get up early, just for you. Get a cup of coffee, some herbal supplements or vitamins (I like St. Johns Wart), a favorite chair and watch the sun come up before heading into work and yet giving even more to someone that isn't you. If you can manage a sunset, all the better.

You start taking care of you, because nobody else has and rewrite that canvas of yours

Today i live in hell. My ex is wanting to talk, he misses me and so on. Today i feel weak and i have missed him so much latley for six years we spent our lives together and granted not all of it was good i admit but we did have some realy great times. 90% of our life together was grea. it was that 10% that killed us. He never use to be that evil guy and in a way i want my love back.But i know im just being weak. I prayed to God today to make me strong but it dose not feel strong enough i need real encouragment today. Im sad and lonley i have tried dating all the men in this world seem to all be screwd up i have my girls and my hobbies but i just feel lost today and very alone. I just need to vent i guess. :( feeling the pain today big time. Why dose it have to hurt so much for so long. I just want my life back the happy heathly me back.I want to just go home and hide from this feeling. But i can escape it today. boo!

Pergatory,

Big hugs to you this challenging day. I offer you some tools to help you find clarity in your path.

Take a long soak in the tub. Listen to soothing music. Light pleasing scented candles. Take several deep cleansing breaths.

When you sense that your insides have calmed go to a mirror and look in your own eyes. Ask yourself ...

Do I love the person that I am?
Am I a stronger person for the decisions I've made?
Do I believe I am on a life path that will bring me long term positive outcomes?

Do not force the answers ... just listen to them. The wondrous thing about this exercise is when our truth speaks an unsettling answer to us it is valuable information to our own clarity and can point out the "why" when we suffer setbacks that we can't quite figure out.

Be sure to do this exercise when your body is relaxed and your mind isn't "screaming" at you. That is just your body's way of asking for attention. Long bath, soothing music, pleasant smells, and deep breathing should accomplish that goal nicely.

Another tool I can offer you is what I call positive message reinforcement. It takes but a moment. Upon wakening make your first thought a positive thought of a future goal but state it to yourself in the present tense.

An example:

Rather than tell yourself "One day I will be happy." Make it a statement of fact. Say, "Today I am happy." Say it out loud and allow it to wash over and through you.

There is no need to dwell on the statement any further in your day. Just be sure to make your statement your first thought of the day, regardless. Over time you will find that your statement is a reality and then you can move onto your next goal.

May these suggestions bless you with insight. I will keep you close in my thoughts.

Deb love the pic btw big cat fan myself. I will take your advice i will go to the gym today see my good friend for a bit and head home take a showe listen to my fave songs and relax. I got a new recliner the other day maybe have a beer and enjoy a goodmovie with myself. I think i just needed the reminder i like myself and my life and its ok to hurt once in awhile. I appriciate you taking the time to listen to me vent. Its nice to know my works are no longer just a wisper in a dark hallway. I will check in tomorrow and let you know how im doing as for today. it will be a great day. thank you

I look forward to hearing how you day went Pergatory. You have a voice and it is pleasing to see you using it.

Deb today is a good day very busy at work but your advice was great and im glad i took it. I spent the night with myself and it was PERFECT it really helped me remeber why i am here and the good parts of being where i am. So thank you for letting cry my little river then build the bridge to get over it. so big ((hugs)) for your listening ear