Why, I have the house to myself while my boyfriend and our 2 doggies visit his family in Orlando, Florida. I chose not to go(lol). Needed to work on some freelance stuff in the hopes of generating some income and really not into his family drama. Now, I do MISS the 3 of them big time- that is my family, but it is so nice to be able to watch the only TV we have and fall asleep in front of it(lol). Usually that is Sylvester's spot. With the doggies, they went this time with him (I am in tears) as his son who is really the doggie's owner will be there. I just made sure they would be coming back!!! His son and wife are in the Air Force and went back on base - so we had the pleasure of playing mom & dad to their two mutts (Jeremiah, Jack Russell Terrier & Bobbie/female, a 3-legged Black Pitt Bull who is starting to gray like Sylvester and myself). I cannot wait for them to return as ONE night was all the ME time I needed this time around.
I am doing pretty well with the stressors these days, which i am so thankful for. Right now I am working on not feeling stress from people needing me to hang out with them.
I am reminded to be careful what I ask for! I wanted people to socialize with, and now I have so many I can't keep everyone happy. I am not used to having people want so much of my attention and it makes me feel upset and guilty that I would rather just kick back in my quiet and solitude.
Yesterday was stress level was 10+, now a 1 again. Yippeee!
Nothing like my Bella Family while my real family is heading back home as we speak. Having folks that care does cancel out a lot of unhealthy stress. I get stressed when hurting and the hurt wont' go away. That was last night - tonight is going to be awesome - my family is back and I am back to being ME!!! Yippee.... Healing has taken place, thank you Jesus!
My stress today is almost non-existant though I know I have some whoppers to deal with when I get back home into the real world. But the day's I spend at my parent's house always re-energize me, ready to take on the world - HERE I come!!! ...LOL...
I thought my stress would go way up last night, when I was finally home and when opening mail, received a letter from the home insurance company I've been with for 17 years, that they would cancel my insurance if I didn't make repairs on the house. WHAT!!! Apparently they went around inspecting insured homes.
Some of the things they mentioned had already been fixed others would require a mint of money, oddly enough that didn't even stress me. I must be getting better at this.
While walking to the office today, I had the pleasure of having some man trying to be in my face. Thank goodness for my "tiny" knife in my hand and paying attention.
I was able to show my knife, yell for him to back up - bringing attention to the situation and get distance between me and him.
My stress level gets higher each day as winter break slips away. I am not looking forward to going back to work. I'm trying to stay positive but sometimes it is too much and I break down.
Thanks Dianne & Jilly for your concern - this morning was back to my "peaceful" walk into the office = stress level back to zero!!!
Hi VintageGS, yes going back to work if it is something that is not really you, can create "unhealthy" stress. If you don't mind my asking - do you have any career dreams?
Reason for asking: Sometimes this helps us to have HOPE that we will get to a point where we do have some stress - this is part of life, keeps us alert/lol - but eliminate a lot of the "unhealthy" stress - the stress that kills folks!!!! Too many of us don't realize the damage "unhealthy" stress do to our body. We are ALWAYS here for you and thanks SO MUCH for stopping by and chatting
Bottom line, you are on a NEW adventure and making adjustments - way to GO...
Me, medium stress levels today. Had an uneventful walk to work, no trains to try to outrun so as not to get stuck on the other side It is in the 20's this morning - thank goodness for "hot flashes"... Kept me warm until I could get to the local store to stop and get a sample of my favorite coffee "hazelnut" with "hazelnut" creamer = delicious. Chatted with the store clerk, then headed on the final stretch to the office.
Guess what, someone at the office I work out of 16 hours a week freelancing, gave me a second-hand laptop yesterday. God is so GOOD!!! Now to keep it away from Sylvester's family - they tore up the one he had gotten me from a pawn shop.
mmm, I love hazelnut. And protect your new laptop! Why did they tear it up?
Today I have a meeting with my new clinician, and I am a little nervous - everyone so far has said she is hard and unpleasant. I will bring my little medical binder and see if that helps her like me a little.
I am hoping she can help me with the little matter of the pinkeye too. If not I will need to work a visit to a different dr in. Maybe I will call her now and see if she will want to see me apart from the clinician.
Other than those medical things I have the rest of the day to work on organizing, cleaning, and resting.
His family has no "respect" for his stuff and felt they were going to do the same with mine(lol). I am working on getting a LARGE trunk so that I can lock up my stuff when I begin to travel. With my NEW laptop (well, second-hand/lol) - I can now follow my heart - travel to Atlanta, Georgia in search of some much needed freelance income.
My stress level, calm, finally realizing that only God can resolve my lack of income since 12/10/11(lol). But I still feel ashamed when I get home with ZERO to contribute to the household although Sylvester says he does not mind. I do
Originally Posted By: Jilly
mmm, I love hazelnut. And protect your new laptop! Why did they tear it up?
Today I have a meeting with my new clinician, and I am a little nervous - everyone so far has said she is hard and unpleasant. I will bring my little medical binder and see if that helps her like me a little.
I am hoping she can help me with the little matter of the pinkeye too. If not I will need to work a visit to a different dr in. Maybe I will call her now and see if she will want to see me apart from the clinician.
Other than those medical things I have the rest of the day to work on organizing, cleaning, and resting.
You are lucky your mate is cool about this. I'd accept that contentedly - it should take some of the pressure off you.
I did see my clinician, who is fine. I don't know why some people don't like her. maybe they are just sensitive. Or maybe since I was prewarned my expectations were already low. That can happen.
Today I don't feel very good, so to keep my stress level down, I am lying low and not leaving the house.
LOL Jilly, that will get old really fast as he is used to being used by folks.
So I am not getting comfortable with his acceptance.
I guess I have ALWAYS been very "hard" on myself and he says I am - but it is all about my insides.
I have the office to myself = totally enjoying not having my boss around = normal stress level.
Originally Posted By: Jilly
You are lucky your mate is cool about this. I'd accept that contentedly - it should take some of the pressure off you.
I did see my clinician, who is fine. I don't know why some people don't like her. maybe they are just sensitive. Or maybe since I was prewarned my expectations were already low. That can happen.
Today I don't feel very good, so to keep my stress level down, I am lying low and not leaving the house.
ashusood, I am sorry to hear about your neck pain. A warm bath usually helps me, and some ibuprofen.
Today's stress was mostly even keeled. I had class and enjoyed that and got to ask a few questions about things that had been troubling me. Then this afternoon was productive.
A good day. I had a class that was good, I got to wear my new animal hood, and got a package in the mail for some cleaning tools I was looking forward to using. YAY!
My stress level today is quite low. It didn't start out that way, but stress is something I have to work at managing. Thank you for asking.
I also wanted to tell Debbie that the article What happy people do differently is fabulous. Love it -- especially the line where you say: Civility generates happiness! Smiles rebound good energy.
Today I had an anxiety meltdown in my case manager's office. The good news is I was able to process it relatively quickly, for me, and move on. The rest of the day went fine.
Worried about finances, finding a job, having to move across the country within several months, whether or not I can financially keep my two horses, etc. Pair all that with grieving over my sweet boyfriend who just passed away, and it makes for a not so nice day.
I did get out for a walk with my dogs and that helped, and writing in my journal did help too. But in the back of my mind are all the things I know I need to get done. And right now I have no energy to even try.
Stress Level is low right now. Another work week is almost over. Can't say it is getting any easier or better but it is more familiar. That always helps.
Started out irritated at nothing today, then did some writing, posted a few articles ahead of schedule, and feel peaceful now.
I still might be fighting a cold. My sleeping problems are not helping. I hope i do get some good sleep tonite and am able to be up and at em tomorrow. Got lots of errands to do.
Woke up late again, ran out of bed, and then got a few good things across town done! that felt good! Hoping to get in bed by midnite tonite and wake up early enough to get much more done.
had a pretty bad meltdown today. I had to crawl under my case manager's desk and have a good cry. NOw i have a headache. Will drink water. Wish I could take a bath.
Oh, Jilly. So sorry to hear of your difficult time. Maybe light a candle or two and put on some soft music to wind down tonight. I hope you were able to take a walk today after the meltdown. That can help.
Don't you have a friend in the area who would let you take a bath at their place now and then?
I take my dogs for a walk every day if possible. I allow myself lots of time to reflect and do what I need to for myself.
With still being unemployed I have time to do this, but I do need to start the job search again very soon. I need expense money and funds to move later in the year. I took a break with the job search because my boyfriend died and there was lots to do, and then the grief took me over full force and sent me into a whirlwind of pain.
I am trying to accept what happened. Going on without him is very difficult. Just two years ago I had to go through another death of sorts....my marriage. That was something I did not want, and the pain was great there too. I know there are a lot of life lessons here for me, but it does stink to have to be in pain a lot, especially because of losing a man I love deeply. I am trying to find the positive in all of this just to be able to survive. The only good thing about my boyfriend's passing is that he is no longer suffering.
In a nutshell.....making time for myself for whatever it is that I need, cutting myself a little slack, and doing the best I can to be positive is helping me with the stress. It is not always easy but I am doing the best I can.
High! My husband is coming home in a couple of hours after being gone for nearly two weeks and the house is a mess, I've caught the cold of my youngest daughter and I'm exhausted. I don't know how single moms do it. And really, it is not that much better having three kids and hubby home, as helpful as he is, but dang, to lay down at night and not be alone after a long day...man, I've been missing that. It didn't help he was across the globe and we talked or texted maybe five minutes a day.
Mine's pretty low, too. The Sandwiches article has posted, and the newsletter and forum are up to date.
I'm getting ready to go teach my Saturday classes. It's the last class of the session, so we all know each other really well. It should be an excellent day.
Today was fine. I was running around doing stuff but felt mostly calm. I did do a nice walk along Beaver Creek with a friend that I am getting to know.
It is wonderful that you are creating an environment that brings you serenity! Kudos to you - it has ben a long time coming and you definitely deserve it.
I explained in the "How did you sleep last night?" thread. My stomach is in knots. I have not felt this kind of stress in a while. I had hoped I wouldn't have to again.
Today was peaceful, but this evening i starting feeling a little freaked out when i went to the food line at the Bread of Life. Too much noise and activity and people and sounds. I did get plenty of food to take home though.
That's wonderful to hear, Cassie! I'm glad you are relaxing. Spring is coming, and it's nice to breathe in that fresh air.
Jilly - I dislike crowds as well and they can make me tense. Bob and I did a mall walk a few days ago to test out the Biggest Loser SlimCoach and other pedometers against each other. The weather was too nasty to do the test outside. He asked if I wanted to eat in the food court afterwards, and I adamantly said no; I didn't want to deal with the noise and people even though it wasn't very full.
Mild today. Just staying in my PJs and doing stuff around the house. Concerned though about my birthday tomorrow. I have no plans and I think I will be sad and lonely.
My day was as expected,beautiful,stress level,pretty low.To Jilly Your birthday is only tomorrow.why don't we all enjoy this beautiful moment together.Dear Debbie,if they gave you the job ,it is surely because ,and I am sure,because you will do a great job.
My biggest stress lately is over trying to find a job. I am all out of reserves and getting desperate. If it was not for that issue I would be doing a lot better overall.
had a few meltdowns over the last week with the whole trying to get social security income thing. better today. Still having a hard time being around people. It takes so much effort.
Not bad. It was the official first day of summer. I was going to get the kids up early, since the youngest has a school program starting next week...but we slept in. I guess the Father's Day festivities allowed me to spoil everyone.
I had a very social couple of days this week, so i am staying in bed today. Just reading and writing. It helps to plan for down time after active/social time, to restore my inner resources.
I think I will make myself some decaf and go back to bed with my netbook.
I posted a vine review already, so i even feel productive.
That's a wonderful sentiment online jewelry store. I too hope that.
Today I am feeling stress-less; in fact, I would say, "at ease." My older girls are away and my hubby is available to help with my youngest. I have taken to juicing today and affirming an attitude of unconditional love. I feel very understanding that everyone is learning and experiencing life parallel to my life. Therefore, I am taking nothing personally and my world is calm.
Feeling good today. I was all set to do ranch sitting and then found out i wasn't needed, so that threw me. I don't like unexpected changes. But i won't ever say no to the chance to hang around and read all day...so, feeling at ease.
There is nothing wrong today with me.
But the weather conditions are very worse.I am managing every thing in very best way and living happy life.
Thanks for sharing.
According to all the high levels of stress inducing things going on all around me today, I should be in bed with my blankets pulled over my head. But....I've been working on stress reduction for about a year and I am breathing, meditating, writing through the life events that want to crush me. Sometimes I wonder if there will be a tipping point that will either send me sailing off into space with no life suit on...or....let me be the person I work toward developing: peaceful.
It was very high all through the day de to messing with governmental regulations to get next month's meds ahead of time, final packing for my trip, traffic construction diversion on the interstate, my cat screeching in my ear the entire drive, having my car stop running six times so far out to CA, and then finding every motel in Gila Bend was booked solid. I made it down to some town called Wellton where I could find a room (by then, at 1am).
I took my ativan and stayed mostly calm. No temper tantrums. I am proud of myself. And now, at this motel, I just took a long hot bath in a really deep, clean tub. Feeling peaceful at last. I will even do some gentle yoga stretches.
Tomorrow will be more car stress (this will be it's last trip). But i just have to limp it along to San Diego, and everything else will be taken care of. Parents are GREAT!. :-)
Today it is low. Welcoming change since not only am I not a stranger to stress but lately I have had a few panic attacks and more things due to stress (i am dealing with the rest of what happened lately and most of it is gone thankfully...it keeps on getting back but i can let go soon after and it does not affect me like it did)!
Yesterday was a crazy day for me. Some insane circumstances hit the fan and I was thrown way off balance. I was very stressed, so I went to bed early with a knot in my stomach and stomach pains. Today I woke up with a cold. It is amazing how fast stress throws your body for a loop.
My stress level is medium today. I am trying to figure out what I need to do to survive, yet again.
Sorry about the tough day, Debbie. I had a tough day with my psychiatrist. Without meaning to, he hurt my feelings. My heart feels a little tight today and I'm running the tape in my head. I know we will resolve it next week, but it will be a long week. I think I'll try to refocus and think about something else if I can.
One thing I've learned from him, Debbie, is that tomorrow is always a new day. Sending good thoughts your way for today.
I like this forum because it feels real. Not everyday is a good day and we need someplace to acknowledge that and help each other keep our heads above water. Thank you, ladies, for your honesty.
It was pretty high today but I had no panic attacks. First it started with almost no sleep. Then after getting up I knew right away it would not be a good day (a feeling i had mostly) and after making my bed and putting my juice in the freezer (i like it to be a slushie for my breakfast) I went to my computer (charity clicks mostly) and no internet, when the internet came back and I started to do the clicks (stressed out because i had less than 2 hours before i had to leave for errands and an appointment) my dad had one of his many freak out and like usual my mom just accepted it. My mom left (it had to do with a neighbor...my dad did not like that she is HELPING US) he went in the basement all happy whistling and singing (he does that ALL THE TIME and my mom too...its driving me INSANE...my dad does it like psychopaths do it and my mom does it to immitate him.........i learned to ignore them but this is just CANT) because again he was able to make a problem worst and stress my mom but after he came upstairs sighing because he realised that dinner time was near then he went to the attic for a while then came downstairs angry because he had to make his dinner himself (if it werent for the cooked and cut meat in the fridge and the bread he would of eaten candy). When my mom came back home she and the neighbor did what he didn't want to happen but he became all happy after hearing about it. The rest of the day sucked and was full of bad luck.
My stress levels were low today. I worked on publicizing the upcoming Mused deadline, which is on May 8th. I love Mused, it helps promote new photographers, poets, and writers. It makes me so happy to work on it. So my stress levels were fairly serene.
Except the ants in the kitchen, we have a minor infestation. I've done all my part of cleaning, but Bob has dirty pots out that he hasn't cleaned. So that does give me a little stress. Hopefully he will clean them tonight.
It has been a rollercoaster these past few days. I am trying to put into paper my thoughts and ideas of the past months and I am also planning some things which involve some change. I did made some changes at the end of last month, they were small but still changes.
My mom did not speak to me for a few days because I dared told her the truth and my opinion and it was done in front of someone else. The day of my small changes she was still acting like that. She now has stopped but she can see that I am not totally the same and since she is not stupid she knows it's her fault, she will never apologize though.
My dad was calm for a few days but today he is driving me crazy. He has started whistling and singing like a psychopath.
I did see a cute puppy in a parking lot today and he/she came up to me, that calmed me down greatly.
My throat stress issues (thinking im chocking) are not gone yet, they were close to gone but it has come back since my stress has been up and down. I still have half of one of my mom's ativan (in 1..i have been prescribed 10 in 0.5...took the first half the day i went to the hospital to get some tests done after taking antibiotics for nothing for a badly and not needed filling) and I think I will take it before going to bed soon if this does not stop. I won't take it tonight since I have to get up at 6:00 tomorrow to help a neighbor (shes the only sane person here + she has a Golden Retriever and i may go walk with him) and besides I only want to take it if I see a panic attack coming or something like that.
Hi everyone.
This has been the most meaningful mental health forum on Bella Online for me. People talk about real issues they are having, and getting advice from a collective of others with mental health issues. Life is not just happy and sunny little thoughts. People in the trenches need a place where they can say what is bothering them. It helps to share what we are really going through.
I just got back from a family reunion of over 100 people. Talk about stress! Yikes. There was a lot of fun things that happen and it was nice to visit with the cousins I played with in childhood and how they grew up. There was a lot of mother-daughter issues between lots of mothers and daughters. I couldn't really couldn't deal with a lot of the logistics and drama that the week was infused with and was very glad for my Xanax. I didn't go into the fetal position once! Which is a great accomplishment for me and my psychiatrist. It means we are succeeding in accepting what is and letting go of what we don't need. Hooray! Thanks for listening.
Thankfully my mom did not tell my nice neigbor that I would too go help this morning (my dad and an uncle cut a tree of hers...my mom helped her with a rose bush..i would of walked with Toby [the Golden Retriever] since hes afraid of big noises...turns out he did not mind this morning) because I went to bed after midnight and got up about twelve hours later! I was in bed for a little more than seven hours the night before and slept for less than one hour so I was tired.
My stress today is less severe. My energy is even up a little. My luck has not turned though (its been that way since moving here november 9 of 2009), I sincerely and without lying can say that I have had no normal day since being in that house. I was always sad and lonely but at least I had normal days! From the little things to the big things and everything in between nothing works. I'm lucky that Michael Schumacher came back for three years because without him driving in Formula One I would be way worst than I am now.
Thank you Lori! I hope so too! My parents today have made my stress go higher. My dad is killing my mom she accepts it, he wait until she serves him she does, it's a never ending cycle. Plus my dad who whistle and sing like a deranged psychopath and my mom does it too. I'm living in an asylum.
My mom is dying from who know what (i made a post in the stomach section) and she apparently have no problem with that and during that time my dad does not care at all, he goes around like she will live until he does so he can have his slave forever. I don't know if the plan is that I will become my dad's slave when my mom will be gone, if that's it then they're in for a big surprise!
I'm so sorry to hear about the medical issues in the house.
A lot of how we perceive the world is based on our expectations of it. That is, very few things are inherently "good" or "bad" or "annoying" - it's all how we view them.
So for example you currently view the singing and whistling as a bad thing. So it annoys you. However, lots of people would be thrilled to have people who sang and whistled, rather than sulked in silence. So see if you can reframe how you view it. Their singing and whistling is nice. It's their way of adding music to the world, like a bird singing its song. It's part of their song. It's a good thing that they sing and whistle. I love it when Bob walks around the house singing, it's a sign that he has positive energy within him.
It might take a little time, but it sounds like it's worth it, if it's part of your environment!
And consider, too, that they're both under stress with what is going on and maybe that is part of their stress coping mechanism. So when you hear it, think that they might be handling their own stress that way, and it's better to do that than to bottle it up.
It is the way they do it that is driving me insane. My dad either does it when he is happy after hurting my mom or after making trouble or he does it sounding like a maniac. When my mom does it she is copying him, she too was annoyed by him doing it at first but now she does it too and sometimes she does it so much that she is more annoying than he is on that day. If they would do that normally I would not mind most of the times (i admit that it would get me annoyed sometimes of course but not all the time and not to the point of about to blow up from the stress). It is so much that when I hear someone do that I want to hit that person (i of course dont do anything verbally and physically) and even some noises makes me think of that.
Hi Jilly! It is hard especially since I stay inside the house all the time now, when I'll get out at least I will have that peace time and hopefully that will help lower my stress and clear my mind up so I can finally do something with myself. I am glad to hear that you are getting better and that you accomplished important things today, keep at it and hugs back at you.
The stress is less today. My parents are less annoying today and the walk I took plus the water I have been drinking and me continuing writing down my thoughts and ideas are helping.
It's a little higher today but I'm far of the point of being close of freaking out or having a panic attack. I made a decision about something that I have to do, I picked the date and it is next month so that is exciting and scary at the same time.
Almost no stress today. It's funny how the bad weather calmed me, the more it rains the less I'm stressed. I always loved clouds and rain better than sunshine.
My stress levels are pretty much off the charts today. Panic attacks. Wondering how to run away from my life and start over. My life used to be fairly good. One year and three months ago. Well, kind of. Actually, it's been on the skids for about five years.
Don't worry. Got a psychiatrist. Got some Xanax. But I don't want to Xanax my life away anymore. I keep telling my husband, I can't live this way, I need to jump off the bus. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired.
How does life get so convoluted? We start out full of hope and....well, sorry I'm a downer today. Thanks for listening.
Ruby
Nancy - it is great that you are relaxing, and finding peace in your world!
Remember, your parents can't annoy you. Only you can react or not react to their actions. So the more you can train yourself not to react, the better! They probably won't change. You can change you.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having panic attacks. It is great that you have someone to talk with, and that they have a course of medication for you. I understand how you don't want to have to do it long term, but think of it as a helper for the short term.
I definitely am not a doctor so please always go to your psychiatrist first for the main advice, but in my experience it really helps to have a "safe place" to retreat to in times of stress. Even if it's just one room, or a corner of a room. Maybe you put on headphones and listen to a specific playlist that soothes you. You close your eyes and put on lavender fragrance, again something that soothes you.
Do you have an "escape plan" like that, to let your body have time to relax?
Lisa, Yes, I just got up from that safe place because I have so much to do before work tomorrow. Thank you for the advice though because it reminds me that I do have a strategy plan for these types of depressive episodes. It's actually in a file on the very computer I'm tapping at right now.
Maybe tomorrow, when I wake up, I'll be able to deal with everything again. So, I will put on my ipod, go to the store with my dark glasses on-as I can't seem to stop crying-and finish the last couple of hours of the day getting ready for tomorrow.
You hang in there. Sometimes it's a hormones thing that makes everything worse, and a good night's sleep can help you feel better in the morning. Hopefully that will be the case.
I am very sorry to read what you are going through. I am not very good with words with helping someone but I know perfectly what you are going through and how you are feeling. I hope your husband is understanding of you and your feelings. I also hope for you that one day you will be able to stop taking medication.
Wishing you a great night of sleep and sweet dreams,
Thank you Lisa! I know you are right and I do try but it is not easy while living in the same house. Tomorrow I will be alone a few hours with my dad (about 3 hours to Matane and back here...going to try an eye doctor there HOPEFULLY he can make me a pair of glasses for my hypermetropia and that pair of glasses will work on me), I hope it will go smoothly (my mom is going to Rimouski see 2 specialists the next day so she wont come with us).
It was a little higher for me today but nothing serious. First the eye examination was stressful for me and also before we left my grandmom called saying that she was caling an ambulance so my mom instead of staying home to relax before her big day tomorrow she went to my grandmom's house and went to the hospital with her. We stopped at the hospital when we came back and they will keep her a couple of days, she had water in one of her knees. The sad thing is that Wednesday her cat will be euthanised and she won't be able to say her goodbye to her!
Today was a lot better, thanks to your advice Lisa about looking at my Distress Tolerance strategy plan. Only a two Xanax day, pretty good. I put on my smiley face-my game face-my mask of pretense. I made it through today and I'll get up tomorrow and Wednesday and do it all again. Then Thursday, Friday, Saturday and maybe Sunday I'll go to my second job.
I have to do this because people have not been paying their bills that they owe our business, so things are really tight. I'm trying to collect their debt, sometimes successful, sometimes not. Sometimes I just have to send them to collection or sue them. If they don't pay then people have to call me about our bills we owe them and I pray that we don't get sued or sent to collection.
It's 7:30 pm here in Spokane and I just have to go to bed, I'm over tired.
Nancy and Lisa, thank you for your care yesterday. It really helped. Nancy, I'm sorry about your grandma's cat.
I am strangely calm today. And that is weird since I have made a decision (not long after getting up) and usually that stresses me out.
Ruby, I am glad that yesterday you were better, I hope today is better than yesterday!
My grandmom came out of the hospital this morning (i was in bed but that was such a commotion that i woke up..my dad answered the phone which is more than rare then he freaked out and freaked out more when my mom said that she had to get ready so she could not go). At least now she will be able to say her goodbye to her cat.
Absolutely many studies show that when your lips make a smiling motion, it triggers all sorts of feel-good hormones. So in a very scientific way "making a smile" absolutely changes your body chemistry. It is free, easy medicine that works.
Take a look at the stress reduction video I just tried, it is very much worth watching.
That is wonderful that you are feeling calm! Maybe that's a good sign that you are building a reservoir of serenity within you, to deal with life's many hurdles!
Family members can definitely be challenging. The more we can find ways to buffer ourselves against their moods, the better.
Today my stress is higher. I had to go to Amqui with my parents and my grandmom's cat (she could not come...she cant put her left foot at all on the ground so she cant walk) and poor Minette knew what was going to happen to her and to make it worst I could not take her out of the cage to give her a few loving moments before dying because my mom is allergic and worst of all my dad kept laughing and telling jokes about it (most were directed to Minette) and the rare times my mom was talking to her she was telling her to sleep or to be calm then when we were about to arrive my mom suddendly realised what was going to happen and stopped my dad from making another joke and she was crying when we picked her up (she wanted to do it alone).
It's a miracle that I am not completely crazy having lived more than thirtysix years with these people.
It is always so traumatic to lose a family pet, and it's even harder when someone in the group is being less than supportive. I'm not a psychologist so I can't make any real guesses about your father - but it seems from the things you're saying that he likes attention. He seeks attention and he then gets it. Maybe he thinks this is the only way he gets attention, and he gets rewarded by attention when he does it, so he keeps doing it. Sort of like a 2 year old. He does what works. He gets annoyed when something else (like the cat) is getting his attention so he intrudes on it.
People do things that bring them rewards. They don't do things that are useless. So he must be getting some reward out of this.
So if it was me temporarily "stuck" with him, here's what I would try to do.
I would try to find a way each day to give him positive attention. I don't know him to guess at how this could be done, but with my own father I could play a game with him, or sit down to talk with him, or ask him a question in an area he likes to talk about. I could brainstorm ideas with you if you wanted. So that way he IS getting some attention.
Then, when he acted out, I would give him NO attention. Not negative attention, because that is still attention. So no frowning or sighing or eye rolling. I would simply pretend he didn't exist. That is one of the most annoying things possible for most humans. That TED talk I just posted in the stress relief area talks about that. So simply act as if he has turned transparent. Be happy in your own little world.
If you suck all energy out of his bad behaviors - and at the same time provide tangible rewards for good behavior - it might start to make a tiny difference.
That is interesting what you wrote Lisa. I never once thought that he is doing all that for attention, it may be true. I have tried (stopped last Autumn when he decided he was mad at his brother who happened to be the brother he cuts wood with and gets enough wood for us to not be cold during winters and his big plan was to not go get the wood and somehow we would not of died from the cold eventhough we dont have the money to heat the house with electricity...the next day he decided that his brother said that he was sorry so he got the wood) many times trying to spend time with him doing something he likes and talking about something he likes but every of these times have ended right away with him ignoring it. The last time I tried he had asked me a question and I made a search on the internet and when I told him he mumbled something and went upstairs. It's no use with him so I just ignore him (except when he is at his worst whistling and singing wise) now and just ask him to drive me where I need to (this is why i need to start driving again). And by the way ignoring him does not work, he has never stopped acting badly when someone has ignored him.
My mom has become just like him now so I have to do the same, it's a shame because I at least could have nice talks with her and have fun (watching movies, shows, playing games) but she's the one who made that choice this year. Anyway it's better this way because the little fun I had with her and the nice talks were not erasing all the things she has done to me.
It is important not to give up on someone. Yes, it might be hard for him to change his ways. That is natural and normal! It is only by being patient and consistent that we help those who are stuck to try a new path.
Think of the battered women who stay with their abusive partners for years and years. Just trying to help them once, or twice, won't work. You have to hang in there and show them you really mean it.
It's never "no use". It is always a great use to make the effort. Your parents won't be around forever, and you won't regret the efforts you make. You'll only regret giving up.
In the same way, ignoring someone for a little while won't work because they are far too trained in their patterns. They are sure it will work again. And especially if they have no other good things, at least the bad things are better than nothing. So if you give him no good feedback at all, then he has no incentive not to keep trying the only thing he knows work.
I absolutely would make it a daily task to try something positive. Don't give up even if it doesn't work for a week or a month. This is a lifetime of training you are overcoming. And it is absolutely your own best interest when it works. You are the one who will benefit, and he will too.
I don't think your mom made a choice. I think she's overwhelmed and is giving up. Give her a chance.
Thank you for everything, I really mean it. I also mean it when I say that if it weren't for the people that I have met on the internet I would have spent my life without anyone caring about me or at least trying to help. To read posts like yours makes me smile and gives me strenght.
I think that as long as I live in the same house as my parents I have no other choice of giving them a chance. They sure were there as far as giving me a roof and other important material things, if it weren't for that I would of left a long time ago (or would of been thrown out) and never looked back. That is why I always have remorse whenever I either stand up to them or ignore them or look for an appartment that I could afford. It does not erase all the things they have done though and no matter what happens I know that if I ever have children I will cut them off completely, I will not give them a chance to do what they did to me to my own kids, no way. I am alone now so it is my choice, kids no not get that choice (i know i didnt).
They (even my dad...its rare but he can show it) show they have a heart sometimes which in my mind it makes it worst, if they would be completely without compassion it would not hurt so much.
As for my mom she decided to change her behavior with me just because I dared remained her that she had options to get medical help and I told her that it was impossible for me to ignore her dying (she told me that she never asked anything and that i just should ignore whats happening to her), who gets mad because of something like that? She completely ignored me for a few days after that! Since then she has these times when she is like before then she snaps back to when she was mad at me for these stupid reasons. Tuesday she finally met with a real doctor that told her that she will help her but before that she wants my mom to get two tests done (blood work [appointment made today for june 11] and something else [they will call her]) but she eats like ten bites a day and it has been like that for months and her next appointment could be in August, who can spend more than a year without eating and being in pain all the time and keep on going on with life like everything is normal (she does not stop working around the house...she gets mad when i do something that is not my rooms or the dishes) and not kill over? That's crazy but apparently I should just ignore it like my dad does and not care at all!
Hi Nancy and Lisa,
Sorry I haven't been back to you both the last couple of days. Like everyone else, I have such limited time, mental space and energy....right now I have so much to deal with....it's really hard. One of the biggest problem is that every time I try to reply quickly, I'm logged out of Bella Online even though I ask my computer to keep me logged in and then when I log in, it takes about three times for Bella Online to recognize my password, etc. which makes everything soooooo slow.
Anyhoo....since I left you last had major breakdown, almost hospitalized, serious thinking about divorce...not because of fighting etc, because romantic love has ended with spouse and I'm having a hard time keeping mentally well because of some of his thought processes about money. Sometimes I feel like I need to leave to and start over just by myself.....job is painful, but trying to fix that......lots of decisions to be made. And lots of work to do. House, grandkids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Thanks for your support last time I was on this forum, believe it or not, it did delay breakdown. I've been working with shrink heavily, taking extra Abilify, have an apt today again. I think I might take a week off from work so I will not feel so pressurized.
Take care, will try to check in more often. I need you and I hope I can help you at some point in time.
Ruby
Wow Ruby I am very sorry to hear all that! I really hope it gets better for you and very soon! I too feel better when I come here and read all the nice replies to me. Take that vacation and take care of yourself! {HUGS}
Today I am better than yesterday. I did something new today (get a money order) and new things always stresses me out even when they are very small but thankfully it went well at the post office so that helped me. If I would of gotten to be earlier I would of gotten up earlier and I would of taken a walk after that little errand, today had a perfect weather for a nice long walk.
One of my aunt called less than one hour ago and she told my mom that my grandmom barely was able to get to the phone so my parents went there to try and get her to go back to the hospital and she refused. My grandmom is just like my mom and dad, all of them always refused to get medical help and when they do they have waited too long. I have many faults but I don't have that one.
Parents are definitely human beings who make all sorts of mistakes. We can't change the past, we have no time machines. So all we can do is try to work on the present. That is all we ever have control over.
I hesitate to call anything "crazy". We all have different views on the world and that is fine. It is natural and normal that others have views different from our own.
Let's say your mom was brought up to feel a woman should be quiet and a hard worker. Her job was to keep the home as "homey" as possible, and to hide her own worries and issues. Lots of women are trained from birth to be that way. So she is doing what she was trained to do. She feels it is her job - her reason for being there - to keep the house clean. If someone else tries to take that away from her, then she's not worth anything any more.
It would be like if I loved painting pictures. I adored doing this, it made me feel meaningful. Then someone came along and said "It's OK, I will paint your pictures for you." I would be upset by this. This is what *I* am supposed to do, it is what brings meaning to my world.
It's very hard to undo training that has been done to you since birth. It seems so natural and normal that other ways of life seem quite bizarre.
So it is fantastic that you helped her to take a small step out of her comfort zone and start talking to a doctor. Maybe that will help to show her that she *can* be responsible for the home, and also still take care of herself too. That's a hard lesson for many women to learn, and many never learn it.
That is very odd about the system losing track of you. It sounds like there might be a cookies issue with your browser. Browsers' cookies files can easily get corrupted. I recommend going to your browser's settings area and clearing all cookies. Doing that once a month or so can really help with browser performance.
I'm so sorry to hear about your stress levels.
Many studies show that money is the top issue between couples, so know that you're par for the course there. I know money is an issue in my relationship and it was in my marriage (I'm divorced). So that is typical, and the challenge is how to cope with it. We're happy to help! If you post the kinds of issues you have, either here or in one of the money forums, we'll help you brainstorm.
Ah, see, so your mother was trained to be like this from birth. This is the only way she knows how to be and it was drilled into her head. So now she has to try to unlearn that which is really, really hard.
What is a shame about that way of looking at life is that it often ends up costing more time, money, and stress. It doesn't "save" anything. If you treat something early, or prevent it, then there are very little costs. If you let something fester and grow, then the costs and time and stress can be astronomical.
I.e. even if we assume your grandmother doesn't want to be a "bother" - it ends up causing far more trauma for everyone if she keeps having small issues, vs if she simply gets it taken care of and is better. So it doesn't achieve her actual goal.
Is there an option to get home-care for her, so she can stay home (which is probably very important to her, her role as home-take-care-of-person) and also be taken care of herself?
My stress levels are fairly low. I have an enormous list of to-do items that are stacked up, but I am taking them one step at a time. My two online classes end this Sunday so there's a lot of work to be done for those finals.
Lisa, my mom was indeed told that when she was young and she was the one who had to get out of school early and do everything for everyone but she did grew up knowing that this was not right. She often says that this is not right. And she often complains about people doing the same exact things she does. One of my aunt has been complaining to her for decades about her alcoholic husband and everytime my mom has told her that she can get out anytime and that the only reason she stays is because she gets something positive out of it, the same with my grandmom she always have told her that there are medical help out there that she can get immediately when she is sick or hurt. So she knows all of that and she tells other people all of that and yet she does the exact same things that she complains about others do (and dont do).
My grandmom does have many other options but she wants to stay in that house with no help, it took my parents more than a year until she finally accepted to go with them once a week into the next town to get her grocery (she has always asked for a delivery from the little store here that sells their things way too high $), she does not accept change and help easily, just like my parents, it's like this takes something important away from them. Monday my grandmom was admitted in the hospital but decided she wanted to leave the next day, if she would of stayed two or three more days she would be walking on that leg again.
I always think (i know someone in the US very sick and she does not have the $ to get any help) of the people who do not have access to any help and that makes me so mad when I think that my mom and grandmom could have help and they just refuse it. I think my mom now wants some help and she did find a real doctor in Rimouski Tuesday but it might be too late, she has not been eating a lot for more than a year and she is always in pain so waiting an extra month or more could be too long. Just like my grandmom, she could of sell her house and go live in a nice place, she loves to takk with other people so she would of been happy in addition of not being in pain all the time.
People make the strangest decisions sometimes, I know because I'm one of them (thankfully i never did that with my health at least).
Dear Lisa,
I have some good news. My psychiatrist has changed my meds and I'm feeling much better. I know the new meds haven't had time to kick in yet, but just knowing that something was off-kilter and I wasn't going insane is a relief. The old meds were wearing off and I was having that delayed feeling whenever I moved my head, but didn't put it all together, but my shrink did.
I think I'll be better able to handle the difficult events and decisions I am facing. I've been calling all the clients that owe us money and starting to get some rolling in.
Also, I have a good chance at a new job with the same company that I work at, which is a hospice. It will be full time, doubling my salary. I'll know next week. If I get it, at least I'll be able to support myself if I do choose to leave my husband. I'm not going to do anything like that for at least a month to give the new meds a chance to work and see how I'm feeling then.
So, Thank you for your help. I'll keep up with this post. Hope you are doing OK.
I'm glad to hear that things are better Ruby! I hope it will keep on being better for you!
Today it's okay stress wise for me. I'm mostly tired (dont know why since i slept good). Today my mom is more annoying than my dad. She can't seem to stop singing and when I was eating breakfast she was going off on my grandmom who refuses to get medical help, it took all I had to not say that she too is like that!
My stress level is a little on the high side in the past few days. I am out of work again and trying to find a job asap is frustrating and stressful. The bills are piling up and nobody understands that there just is no money..... I am also trying to empty out my storage unit that is an hour away so I don't have to pay for another month's rental fee. I have to do this all by myself. And my stomach has been acting up because I am anxious. So yeah....a little stress lately.....
Today I was okay until my parents came back inside. My dad of course came inside hours before my mom did (its a miracle he even helped her) and came downstairs to check if she came back in before 18:00. When she finished washing up a little and changed her clothes he started laughing at her then started to whistle and sing after she went to the basement to relax a little. I actually woke up when they came in for dinner and then he did not laughed at her by laughing but by asking her why she was not eating and giving her ideas of what to eat (he does that as often as laughing at her). These two people truely deserve each others, it's just a shame that they decided years ago to also have kids (most people who have kids should not just like them).
Have you thought about putting out short specific-topic ebooks? I find mine do best when they are short, quick, and on something that a person has a need to learn about "right now". So "how to flirt for guys" and "how to flirt for girls" and "quick microwave low carb recipes" and so on. It needs to be on a targeted, specific topic to work well.
Maybe we can look at his asking her to eat as his way of being concerned about her and wanting her to eat something. Which you would want too. So that is a good sign.
Hopefully the doctors can figure out soon why her appetite is low, and help it. I know from experience that when I'm not hungry, it's hard to "force" myself to eat. If she's just not hungry, she may be in that situation.
In the meantime, there must be a way to separate your own emotional health from what they do. Your happiness needs to be separate from what they do or don't do. Maybe consider them a scientific experiment of aliens that you can watch without being bothered by it?
Today there was stress before we headed off to the wedding of a friend. I'm not sure exactly what made my boyfriend stressed about it. I then reacted to his stress in a less than calm manner . I continue to need practice in learning to not get drawn in when he is stressed. I need to maintain my own calm.
Once it was done, the rest of the day went very smoothly and calmly.
It is wonderful that you are getting the support you need to have the right medicine. That can really be so key in having good health.
That is great news about the new job, too. We all deserve to feel like we have choices in life, that we are not "trapped". We should stay somewhere because we want to, not because there is no other choice.
I would definitely consider therapy with your husband, to talk it through. It's natural for finances to cause issues in any relationship. It's natural for feelings to wax and wane and wax again over time. So maybe talking it through with a third person can be helpful there. Often giving up on something part way through means you miss out on the best that is yet to come.
I hadn't responded to your previous message, I see!
It is very common in life that we know intellectually what to do but emotionally we have roadblocks. Think of all the people who know they should exercise, but who do not do it. They have a wealth of reasons and rationalizations why they don't, even though logically they know it's critical for body health. So I think every one of us rationalizes in certain areas of our life. It's normal and natural.
The issue of an older person needing help is quite thoroughly studied, and what your grandmother is doing is quite normal. We start out as helpless infants. We grow and learn and at each stage we build independence. Finally we are on our own and in charge of our own lives and "an adult". It is *enormously* hard, after decades of this, to then "regress". To in essence turn into an infant again. People fight this tooth and nail. They don't want to lose their independence.
For your grandmother, any concession is an admission that she is no longer a fully functional adult. It's like saying "I'm a child and I need help." Few people want to do that. So she's going to resist. The key is to find a way to help her see that she IS a wonderful, intelligent, fully functional adult - and at the same time she just needs help in one particular area. Just like I need Bob's help opening a peanut butter jar. It doesn't mean I'm not a full adult, it just means we all have different strengths.
So maybe gently going from that angle might help.
Moving from the home one loves is enormously difficult. The home represents independence and control and an investment of love and attention. It would be like abandoning a favorite pet. So there needs to be a careful transition planned out. Maybe there is an event or two she can do at a local senior center, to start having her see the others as a desirable group to be a part of? Again she has to look FORWARD to moving - she can't see this as an enormous penalty she has to suffer.
Hi Lisa, I'm glad the wedding you went to with your boyfriend went well.
My dad asked that to be mean. He knows that my mom cannot eat because when she does and even when she does not eat it hurts. Rarely does a day goes by without him being cruel like that. Even when she could eat she still could not eat anything because of digestion problem and some allergies and during that time he would just asked her if she would want some then just laugh when she'd say no you know that I can't eat that. A few months ago they did told her what she has but first they are such worthless doctors and they took so much time to end up with that diagnostic that they cannot be trusted and lastly they just told her that then said there's nothing that can be done. The new doctor wants to help and appears to be a real doctor but the tests she wants done to my mom before she is sure of what to do are not soon enough and then there's the big question of when my mom will see her again, if she's still standing that day and if by some miracle there's a game plan then when will that start. To think that more than a year ago it could of all been taken care of but no my mom waited more than half a year to ask for medical help then she let these morons use her for a year then just accepted that nothing could be done. Now she looks like she's fed up but again she accepts to wait maybe until the end of Summer. Just like she accepts my dad laughing at her and like she accepts being his slave. Yesterday she took pity on him that he did not have store bought cake or candy or chips or anything else to snack on and eventhough he did not complain about it for even one second she made him cake which by the way he hates and only ate like three since then (it was 1 of these powder that you mix with like 2 other things but still SHE CANT EAT AND HE DOES NOT SUPPORT HER SO SHE DID NOT HAVE TO DO THAT AT ALL ESPECIALLY SINCE HE ASKED NOTHING).
As for my grandmom I know how it must be hard for people when they get old and realise they cannot do most of whate they were able to do but she has always been like that and the reason why she is like that now is because of her actions. She used to go out often and help people and give her time but when she had to place grandad she decided to stop going out because people would talk. The same with all her injuries and illnesses she waited too long and now she just moves a little and screams from the pain. But the main reason why she does not want to leave is because her favorite child still lives with her. He was about five when she left to deliver another baby and during that time he had a huge accident where he was hit by a car, she has had remorse about that since then and also since then she has always put him first. He is heartless too so he has always taken advantage of this. When he is in trouble he knows that mommy is there. Plus he knows that the end is near for her which also means that his perfect life will soon be over so he more than doubled his actions towards her to get more and more.
One of my aunt (dads side) is like my parents and grandmom, she has a screwed up back because of her actions. In her case she went to seek too many help, she went to different kinds of doctors at the same time and never tried just one thing at a time and wait if it could work. She would like to sue someone for this but she can't because she can't know which doctor did that.
And I'm not going to start with an aunt and one of her son, these two are something else.
So I don't think there's a normal person in my family!
I had a stressful experience just before breakfast. I have a phobia of spiders and one was on the fridge when I went to the kitchen so I screamed for my parents and of course my dad had to act like he was mentally challenged so after saying for about a minute where the spider was he decided to see it and he was so slow that it disappeared, after about two or three minutes he realised that it was on the kleenex then he lost it again and started to laughed so I screamed at him and my mom found it again and after a few more tries the spider was finally killed. He went to hide in the basement because unlike my mom he cannot make fun of me and scream at me. He came back up when I went upstairs after eating. That's just like him, have fun at the expanse of others but when the people he laughs at dare not let him he either explode with rage or goes into hiding when he knows he cannot do that, and my mom who lets him.
My stress level went down at least by half. I took care of a problem I have been putting off dealing with for a few days, and it has made a big difference in my outlook. Still working on the storage unit but I am making headway.
I had another experience with a spider today! A baby was in my bedroom and I went to kill that thing but it fell on the ground and I was not able to find it so now I'm going to be stressed out everytime I'm in my bedroom especially since that kind of spider gets really big!
I was sitting on my television chair relaxing with the music of 300 and my dad stressed me out for a while when he was singing like a maniac again when my mom was making his supper.
Today was actually a really great day with low stress. My mother surprised me with a day at a local motel, where I could get clean, have WIFI, have AC. I took the world's longest bath and tried out some bathing products to review for Amazon.
It's hard not having WIFI at home anymore. I can only do so much on my smartphone.
I'm sorry that you have such challenges in your family.
I'm confused why there would be non-real doctors seeing her. In the US doctors have to be licensed. Do you have a sense that there are unlicensed doctors practicing in your area? What would they think is wrong, that they couldn't help with at all?
I still get the sense that your father wants attention and his "teasing" your mother is how he gets it. And your mother feels her role is to be the family support so she takes the teasing and tries her best to care for the house and feed the family. So both are locked into patterns that they've been in for so long that they don't even think about them any more. They are just what they do. It's like walking the same path to school every day for years - after a while you don't even see the path any more. It is just the way you go.
Your two real options are to work to change it, or to find a way to be at peace with it. Either you try to reduce it, or you accept the way it is. If your path is to feel upset every time it happens, that's just not healthy for you.
For your grandmother, it sounds like she has a powerful reason to be at home, and probably nothing else will ever "come above" that in her mind. So, accepting that, the best path seems to be to do the best to make the home stay as gentle and pleasant as possible. Maybe a nurse can visit once or twice a week, and help her that way?
I used to fear spiders, and it meant I had stress every time I saw one. I realized that was something I could work on. Over time I trained myself to love spiders. I do now love spiders. I am joyful when I see one.
The mind can be trained. You can change daily occurrences in your life to bring you joy, rather than stress. That can help make your entire life more peaceful.
One tiny step at a time.
Again it sounds to me that your father enjoyed being the center of attention and dragged out the process so he was getting the spotlight. He thrived in that role. So one solution is to not give him that spotlight. If you truly need help with a spider, go to your mother. Pretend your father isn't even there. It sounds like his presence didn't help the situation any, so just don't even go to him.
That is wonderful that you got a day to relax and remove stress from your world! You absolutely deserve it. And that will give you a fresh foundation from which to start tomorrow!
I generally like to stay home all day, but today I went out to meet with two different groups of people to do some brainstorming. So on one hand there was some stress about being there on time, and traffic, but on the other hand the meetings were quite productive and I have some good notes. The modern world of traffic and social networking is always changing, so staying on top of what to do can be a challenge. I appreciate having these groups to talk with.
It was stressful driving up because we passed a fairly horrific accident involving a motorcycle. It reminded me that every day is precious and should be appreciated.
I don't see how I could change my fear of spiders. Last Autumn before a Formula One race I was watching television waiting for my juice to freeze so I could eat breakfast I suddendly had the sensation that I had to look down and there was the biggest spider I have ever seen, that thing was bigger than a tarentula and had it's legs in a v-shape ready to jump, I almots died right there and there's zero exageration! My screams of death did not even made my parents get up and no gigantic brown spider was ever found, it took me many months to be able to put my feet on the ground while on a chair and walk in a room that was dark. That's the main reason why for most of the year I don't walk, when you walk during Summer and you see many trees have their tops full of spider webs and you get at least one nearly jumping on your feet almost everytime you are out it's not very fun. Plus they walk in the snow during Winter (NO joke!!!!). When I had a job I could of went on beautiful islands but the fear of tarentulas was what stopped me, when I see beautiful images of paradise like places the spiders and how big they must be is always my firt thought.
My grandmom has always refused help that is from outside the family. And what she accepts from her family are small things like driving her somewhere, nothing like helping her clean her house. My parents were finally able to put a longer cable on her phone so she could answer while in bed, that took them more than a year to do that!
When I screamed for help with the spider on the fridge both my parents were in the basement so they both arrived at the same time. He normally don't joke around with spiders, that one was a baby so he must he figured he could do that then, did not worked like that.
The doctors here are licensed but they don't care. When pushed they do their work but my mom was letting them push her around so they did it. The doctor I saw when I first went to the emergency room when I thought I was chocking called me crazy, that's how they are here. On May 27 my mom has a test then on June 11 she has blood tests and on June 21 she goes to see our worthless doctor who retires soon after. If she is still standing then who knows when she will be able to see the real doctor who cares. Again, if my mom would not have waited to this point it could all be over now! And I bet that what she really have is something easy to find (if you are a doctor) and easy to cure. She still goes off about my grandmom spending her entire life refusing medical care when she could have, she also says almost everyday that if she ever gets cataracts she will go to Montreal to get that taken care of, it's a miracle that I have not said to her oh like you did when you first got sick! If she would be clueless like my dad it would be less frustrating.
Just to focus on the spiders, look at all the ways this fear is causing your life to be restricted! If you could remove this one fear, so many other aspects of your life would instantly open up for you. This one change could make an enormous difference.
Yes it won't be instant. It will take a while. That's fine! The things in life worth having usually take a while. There's no need to rush. Take tiny little steps towards it and celebrate each one.
For now, try reducing the length of your scream. Sure, you'll probably scream when you first see it. Then take ten deep breaths. Breathe and focus on those breathings. That is all you need for the first step. Screaming more doesn't help in any way .
My stress level today is much lower than before. I completed my storage unit task......it is empty and now I don't have to pay for another month's rent on it! It has been three years of having my stuff an hour away and paying over $1200 a year. I am more calm now knowing I won't have that bill anymore. I just have to figure out where to put all the stuff I took out!
At least the stress level is going in the right direction as I take care of issues that have been hanging over my head.
I had another experience with a spider today! This time it was bigger and when I saw it it was close to my feet! My mom was there and she got it immediately.
I really don't see how this phobia could get better for me. I was actually getting better with it before moving so I know that I at least could get it under control but the spiders here are so monstrous that there is no way to put that fear away or at least manage it!
As for my stress level, besides the spider, it is normal today.
If it weren't for my parents singing and whistling there would be no stress for me today besides the stress I have about a decision I have to make before June 2, it's a little one but it still stresses me out.
There are a lot of things I really need to get done, but my stress level is low. I can think better and make better decisions when my stress level is low, so I am grateful.
I am going on zero second of sleep so I am kind of a zombie today, at least that helps by taking away the stress (when im tired like that only Shumi driving was able to take me back to Earth).
Thanks to my parents I am shaking! Something was telling me to check the satellite bill (today is the last day to pay it) and it was not paid! My dad just came home from I don't know where so only my mom was there when I found that out and when I told her that this bill is in my name she told me like it was normal that they almost always paid it late! I take the blame for again being stupid in trusting them but now 0% trust is left with these two people! My mom is angry right now and acting like a baby, the last time she did this for almost a week, acting like I was not even alive and like I never was born and I don't care right now! When I get out they won't get my phone number and address, if they act like mature people for a change from when I will tell them about my moving until I get out they maybe will get a way to reach me by internet, that's it (i would be in peace since my dad dont want anything to do with computers and my mom only does some when im there behind her).
If it would not be that I go get my glasses tomorrow I would take an ativan before going to bed tonight, I am still shaking!
I was able to calm myself last night. I listened to a song I love over and over and I sat down and wrote my list for today's trip to Matane. That little trip to get my glasses and shop will be good for me, I'll be able to go to stores I haven't been to since 2009 (1 is 1 of my fave called Ardene) plus I will buy food from a restaurant I haven't eaten from since October of 2009.
Stress level is up. It seems that I can't go too long before another challenge comes up. This particular one has my stomach all in knots. I woke up at 3:30am and I can't go back to sleep because I am thinking about it....
I'm awake too because of nervousness. Today will be a challenging day for me - I don't like crowds and it will involve crowds.
So I figured I'd come down and put up the "birthday of the day" so that was all set. One less thing to have to do when I wake up.
Now the question is, how to fall asleep. My plan is to unroll my massage mat that I haven't used in years and years. My boyfriend's mother had given it to us. It has "rumble strips" in it. So I'll set that up and see if that helps.
Also, it helps to breathe in a soothing fragrance, to take long, deep breaths, and to tell yourself you'll focus on the issue in the morning. Remind yourself that you can trust your morning self to take care of it. Your current self's only task is to sleeeep .
Oh see, here I am using language poorly. We influence our brains with the language we choose to use.
So it's not that I don't like crowds. That is an unhelpful mindset for me to have .
I will do fine with the crowds. I will enjoy being in the crowd, because it is a proud day that I worked for. I'll tell you guys all about it later tonight. So the crowd will be fine, and I will be fine.
I am getting better with crowds every month. One step at a time.
Lisa......take a deep breath later before you start and you should be ok in the crowd. If you are speaking, look above their heads and address the wall behind them. It may help and they will never know.
My stress is anticipatory stress. Later in the week my departed boyfriend's 11 yr old daughter will be here to visit with her grandparents who she has not seen since Christmas, even though she does not live far away. The mother is at fault for this, and is pushing the daughter to go through her father's things here in the apartment, instead of focusing on seeing her elderly grandparents. I am stressed because I live here and my stuff is all around too, and I don't want the emotional upheaval of pulling stuff out from everywhere to go through it.
I have a lot going on myself with trying to find a job and going through items I just emptied out of my storage unit. I am also still in my healing process. If I thought the daughter really wanted this I would not be so stressed, but the mother is pushing the issue. She is a very aggressive person. I just wish the mother would have respect enough to go through everything after I move out of the in-law apartment in a year or two. I really think this is a family matter and I don't want any part of it, especially the emotions of it all when I am trying to move on.
Thank you so much for your advice. My trip to New York City went quite well! My father and boyfriend were wonderful in taking care of me and nurturing me along. I had to go on stage twice to receive my awards and I didn't faint. So I am taking the small victories. My Dad went on stage with me to be with me, so that helped. I am OK with taking tiny steps.
I tried my best to relax the night before, but I didn't get much sleep. I did find the soothing scents helped a lot.
Interestingly if I look at the photos from the event now I still feel a bit of stress. So even thinking about the memory can bring on stress. So that is something I need to work on. It's silly to have harmful stress hormones in my body because of something in the past! .
I'm sorry that you are having that stress pushed on you. Hopefully the time goes smoothly and it is about gentle remembrances together. Think of this as your opportunity to help be a role model for her, it sounds like she could use one.
Good luck with the organization process. That can be quite cathartic.
I definitely understand anticipatory stress. With all the books I've read on managing stress, with all my yoga and meditation, I was still stressed before going in to New York City to accept my two book awards. I knew logically that it was not helpful to be stressed - and yet I could not quite override my body's natural reactions.
Still, there are ways to ease them.
* eat healthy foods / drink water / avoid caffeine. The more healthy nutrients your body has to work with, the more even keel it will be. So that gives you a solid foundation to begin with.
* get ample sleep. I know this is hard with stress! Do your best. Darken your room. Block all little lights. Make it cool. Make it quiet or use a noise generating machine of some sort. Journal before you sleep to help reduce those circling thoughts.
* Make a list to prepare. The more you feel "in control" of what you can control, the more relaxed you will be.
* Accept what you can't control. There are all sorts of things in life we can't control. It doesn't make sense to worry about them. Just accept they will be what they are, and that life will go on. Yes it could have been rainy on the trip. And in fact it was! That was all right, we drove in the rain. They forgot to call my name for my Gold award. That's OK, Bob went up and reminded them. So solutions are found. Life goes on.
* Long, deep breaths. We tend to shallow breathe when we're stressed. That then creates a feedback loop in our brain telling our body that we should be worried. Instead, take long, deep breaths. That creates a feedback loop that everything is OK.
Congratulations for your awards! It's a shame though that they forgot to call your name for one of them!
Accepting awards must be fun and stressful. There are many people who receive many and they still get stressed out when they are nominated for another one. I remember that when we had to recite things or do other things in front of our class I was extremely nervous and everytime when I began talking it all went away, writing is my only talent so I had confidence in my homeworks when it was us who had to write what we wanted.
Breathing is an excellent way of relaxing. When I remember about doing it works.
You are right about blocking all the lights, when there's just a little tiny bit of lights this stops me from sleeping or it wakes me up. Noise never bother me except when I have trouble sleeping, I'm in one of these phases now so little noises can wake me up.
It's funny that you mention lists of what is coming up because I made a plan to sit down tonight and make one about my big day coming up.
The healthy foods and water is coming soon for me. There's little bottled water with SpongeBob in it, they are 330ml so that should be easy to drink one of these bottles per day, after a while of that I could drink more.
I'm less stressed today (could be because ill finally see The Dark Knight Rises tonight...watching Christian Bale playing Batman is 1 of my fave past time), my first big day is set to Tuesday (wont talk about what ill do until its done...normally i talk about what i do or what im about to do and it never works out...thought i might try silence until its done), I'm actually more excited than stressed about it since fixing the day.
Last night before going to bed I started thinking of maybe doing my big day Monday instead of Tuesday and I decided not too long ago to do it, surprisingly that has me excited instead of nervous!
Last night something came up and that forced me to push my big day but when I was changing the dates on my schedule for that day and the following days I realised that I had made an error with scheduling so for once that something that came up was positive instead of negative, that's a welcome change and hopefully that will mean what I am about to do will work.
It is high today. The big day is finally stressing me out plus my parents are getting to me today and I have been having a bad day today (ive only been up for about 4 hours so the day is still small sadly).
A day isn't bad! A day is simply a day, and every moment of it you can look forward to what it has to offer. Yes, your parents are silly. That's OK! Put them out of your mind. Do you have headphones? Put on headphones! Then enjoy something wonderful on the web. From this point forward, your day will be great.
I don't have headphones but I did listen to the score of Batman Begins not too long after posting here and that calmed me down. I also watched Master Chef and Gordon Ramsay made me laugh so that helped lower my stress too (i think hes hot too so that helped too..haha). Now my stress is low but I have a headache that does not want to go away, took some aspirins before the show started but it did not helped.
If your family causes you stress then you might want to look into headphones. That way you can completely block them out. Long term it's better to learn to not have to block them out of course, because you can't wear headphones 24 hours a day, but for now it's a good first step.
Headaches can often be triggered by foods and dehydration so I'd start with the water first. Many people get a headache when they're starting to dehydrate. So try a glass and see if that helps!
That is great news. Our stress level can have an impact on so many other things in life. That also has a ripple that then changes the stress levels of those around us.
The more we can manage our own stress levels, so we are at peace with the world, the more we can be encouraging and accepting of others, even with the mistakes and foibles they have .
I had an idea earlier today and if this happens it would bring me at least a full week of peace so my stress level is low today.
I still have no job but everytime I have money that I don't have to spend I put it aside even if it's just cents. That money is not a lot but it could help me a little if I were to move on my own or it could give me a little vacation somewhere or a shopping spree. My idea was to give gas money to my parents so they can go spend at least a full week to an old neighbor of ours. That woman is so nice that she has always refused any money so all my parents need is gas money. 400$ would be enough to go there and come back and it will also be enough for a week there. There's a bank in our small town so if they go at the end of the month I could pay their bills at their place and if I have appointments a nice neighbor will gladly drive me there so no worries even they would be gone more than a month! They went there three times since we moved but it was always for less than one week because then my dad only wanted that but now since he is in the middle of all the drama here (normally he always could hide and let my mom take care of all of it but now he has to be in the middle) so now he wants to go there for more than just a few days. This sure would cost less than a vacation and it would also serve as a vacation so win for everyone especially me.
I will only do that if I see myself having to live with my parents a few more years (im still searching for a way out but right now these way out are me barely eating and paying rent...living with stressful parents is hard but not eating or ending up in the streets is worst).
Okay so I really thought about it plus counted my money and calculated everything and I will make that offer to my parents. The way I see things that's the only way that I can remain living here with them while making my big decisions and not only having enough money to move out but also be in a good place while doing this.
The stress of it all is affecting me more and more. I'm now at a point where if I don't get a break or get out of this I will either go crazy or have to take medication.
And they are getting so much on my nerves that I just cannot relax and do anything. When I am in a good mood or am about to make a decision they do or say something that either gets me mad, puts me down or stresses me too much. I just cannot do anything. Choice wise deciding on a shampoo is hard for me so how can I make a bid decision that will affect the rest of my life?
If they do not accept this then I am getting out of here. If it comes to this and want to eat while waiting to find a job it will mean no television and no internet which also means no Dallas Stars, to me it is awful since watching them is one of the rare things that gives me happiness but going crazy or having to take medication to keep me from going crazy is where I'm at so I would take that. Missing Michael Schumacher drive would of been the death of me, he is retired so this at least is not something that I have to worry about.
When I will be able to get them together without any drama (not only is our home a huge drama the rest of the town is....from my grandmom to the rest of the family to the people here...its insane).
Today my mom bumped her head on a door in a basement. It made a hole and it was bleeding but she closed it with some stitches we had in the downstair's bathroom. She is going blind because she has had the same glasses for like ten years (had a few years before my dad decided to drop his job to change them so her excuse of being poor is an excuse just like everything else). My dad when he came back from seeing one of his brothers who has to stay in one of his son's cabin (1 of the drama going on here) did not even say a thing about the hole in her forehead and the two white stiches on each sides. My mom has started talking about faxing an eye surgeon for an appointment (thats the only way people can get an appointment to an eye surgeon here) so that means in maybe one year she'll do it so then you add some months until she gets to see that eye surgeon then having to hear her say that she cannot get glasses because of the lack of money. It has always been this way and never will change.
Thankfully I never had any kids so I did not put any innocent child throught what my parents did to me!
I just made my offer (just to my mom because my dad is too tired from his day...i was alone with her and i thought it was the perfect time) and my mom got angry. First she said "What would we do there?" (thats the person who has said almost everyday for the past weeks that she would love to have the money to spend several weeks there) then she got mad at me. Now she's in a rocking chair silent and looking at the wall (she made sure to start singing to get on my nerves before of course).
I made it clear that I'm about to go crazy here and that my brain needs a break.
I will let them think about it and if they don't take it I'm out of here next year after the season of the Dallas Stars (i may get lucky and find a job before the next season starts and be able to watch the games).
Tonight I wrote a letter (in English since im better at expressing myself with that language) to my mom and in it I wrote what I wanted to say while making my offer. Her reaction and the faces she was making was not welcoming so instead of starting to scream I just stopped.
I did not mentioned that if they don't accept I will move out and no blame was written but I explained why I need to be alone for a time. I also explained to her what has happened to me since moving. I give them until next week to accept or not accept it.
That night after I wrote the letter I saw when getting my bed ready that my mom had written a letter. In it she was making excuses then she tried making me feel guilty (talking about my brother's death) so I wrote another small letter telling her that what I had written and said was not changed. When I got up she had written a small note explaining a two years sentence that had to do with me getting what was mine (in 2 years they will renew their mortgage and they will borrow 16,000$ and give me my money back....yeah right) and she told me that I would have my answer this weekend. Sunday night nothing so I wrote what is the answer and nothing again this morning, they had gone to run some errands when I woke up so I asked my mom (my dad went to hide upstairs) and angrily she said that the old neighbor was busy with visitors this weekend but they would talk tonight and that I would get my answer then (she used a cursed word before the word answer). She also said that it would not be before September and I reminded her that I said that I did not care that it was next year as long as they went.
So I guess that me giving them money for something that they both want and need is me being cruel!
After my brain and body has been recharged with this break I will be able to work on myself and these two "parents" will only know that I am moving out after I have found a place, they will not ruin this for me just like they have ruined all my plans and dreams.
Right now I am shaking because of me being angry with their reactions!
And if they think that they can make me wait while laughing at me they have another thing coming, if it's not 100% sure by this weekend I will do what I need to do to get out of here as fast as possible!
Nancy, I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now. Living with your parents as an adult can be incredibly stressful. I moved back in with my parents when I got divorced from my 1st husband. Everything was so awkward and I felt like I was walking on pins and needles the whole time
It sounds like your parents want to keep control of you, whether through money or guilt if necessary. You are in my thoughts that you will find a way out soon and you will have your much needed independence and solitude.
It is now 19:59 and my mom has not call her friend yet. They will have a major surprise if they continue like that because when I move out they will not know how to contact me except from the internet (for them its basically not giving them contact information). If I move out but continue to be in contact with them even if it's just by phone I will not be able to stand on my own because they are the reason why I am not right now. Their talent is to put me down. They both do it their own way.
I'll let my mom have her fun and if by Sunday the phone call is not made (she will not say no to their visit...they talk at least once a week and she always asks my mom when they will come to visit her) I am starting the motions for moving out. It would be extremely hard until I find a job but I won't stay here with "parents" like that until I am crazy, they had lots of fun since I've been born with me but they won't brake me to that point, I won't let them!
And my mom did not make the call last night! Today she is acting like everything is normal and like we are a normal family. It's a real wonder why I'm not taking lots of medication and I'm not in a psychiatric hospital because of these two people but if this continue that will be me so she better make that call or I'm out (id be out also with them taking a break BUT i could in the meantime go back to school and have more money when moving)!
My mom came to see me tonight while I was watching television (an old movie from when i was young...i was actually relaxed and laughing...she must have psychic powers for when i feel good because she has often came in these moments to screw that up) and told me angrily to get a piece of paper because she did not have her glasses on. She said that they would go but only September 30 to October 4, she used her friend having lots of visitors and only these days for my parents so that was either mom making sure that my break would not be as long as I wanted to (that way i dont win fully...that makes her feel better) or by some type of awful luck for the next years it's really only on these dates that her visitor bedroom will be free.
I made sure to tell them that I would only pay if they go at least one full week so these so-called parents will find that gas money themselves. Tomorrow I have to go to Matane (not the first time) and sometimes it's to Rimouski they or we have to go and both ways that's four hour drive and they always find that gas money, the extra 200$ and something that they now have since I started paying the satellite bill again will make for the rest they need.
It's not a lot but it will do!
After that little break I will be able to focus on what I need to do to change my life and get as far as I can from both of them. I think I will even be able to start on that before they leave for that little vacation. I have an hair makeover Tuesday and just that will give me energy I'm sure, add that my little break from them and I think I'm going to be okay.
I'm even starting to be physically sick with all that stress. In addition of my throat issues not going away (at least with that im forcing myself to eat despite thinking im chocking) I am having heart palpitations and pains (it moves...sometimes its the head then the neck then the shoulders then the back then the tummy then the chest....it always appears when im very stressed out and it never is for long).
First I was thinking of giving them my internet information if they would need to contact me (they are not good on the computer...my mom tries but im always near and my dad does not care at all) but now I'm seriously thinking of not doing that. I'll see how they will act while I'm making my changes and decisions and how they will act when I will tell them that I'm moving out, if they for once act as normal and mature human beings I may at least give them that.
It's not too bad today. I feel good and if it weren't for my dad's singing-whistling and my mom's whistling and singing I would of had no stress today.
My parents are now happy about the little vacation they will take, they will regret that it's not longer! Something else happened today in our family and they are more than fed up about all that drama and being caught in the middle of it all. Especially my dad since he was always able to run away from it all before moving here, if he would of have a better memory he would of remembered all the drama from when he was living here when young and he would of picked a better place to move!
As for me yesterday and today the only stress was from my parents's annoying habits. I have refused to be put in all that family and city drama so this at least cannot affect me.
I made a decision today! It is small but it is the first of many to come, hopefully it will all lead to changes that will make my life better!
As for my stress level that did not stress me at all having to do that today. The only stress I have been having lately are caused by my parents singing, whistling and whatever my dad is doing. I have found a way to ignore everything else they do and not let it stress me and get to me but for this I cannot seem to find a way.
Have you thought about getting a little MP3 player or Ipod player and just listening to music throughout the day? That way you wouldn't be bothered by your parent's singing/whistling and such.
I do listen to a lot of music not just with something like that. I don't have the money to buy one. I still have a personal CD player somewhere in one of my closet, I don't know if it's still working.
For a while they could know when that was getting on my nerves (by me sighing or moving around in my chair or making noise by hitting my nails on something) and they would stop for a while (my dad not always and for less time than my mom) but now they just don't care, it's like they do it more just to get me more stressed out (they started doing that before i offered them a paid vacation).
A lot of things went wrong today and my parents annoyed me again and tried to ruin my day (i had a note waiting on my desk when i got up...they want 200$ for their 5 days vacation...i told them i would give them money if they went at least 1 week but i figured 200$ is cheap to have 4 nights and 3 days to myself so i will give them that money but only the day before they leave...knowing them they will spend that money then dont go) but I kept on telling myself to not let it ruin my day and it worked. That new found strenght even helped me get less annoyed at my parents annoying habits. Hopefully I will continue doing that.
My stress was low today. Once or twice I let my mom get to me (my dad was strangely calmed and relaxed today) but I calmed myself almost immediately and did not let that or anything else ruin my day.
My stress was higher today. Me not letting my parents get to me did not last long but I still am able to not let this or anything else stand in my way. The past years (started before moving here) I have made decisions then just let them go (sometimes it took seconds) but not anymore!
It was again higher today. I had a nice thing happened to me but my mom was getting on my nerves. It's like she was doing it on purpose because I had a good news. She keeps on sitting in a chair in the second living room when I'm in the other on the computer and she stays there doing what she knows is getting on my nerves. She only started doing that this Summer. It's like she knows that I am going crazy and she is doing her best that it happens. My dad too is working on it, when he is not in the same room as me he makes sure that I hear him.
My unknown friendship goes out to you,so is my compassion and loving kindness.May this day be the best day of your life. I know the suffering of what you call stress.
Nonexistent, if that is possible. Am on a beautiful island with family & my beautiful dogs--swimming, reading, doing whatever my heart desires. Today could not be better.
It was high again today and again because of my parents. They are slowly driving me insane and they both happy about it.
On 22:45 there's a movie playing on Super Channel with Michael Fassbender that I haven't seen before and I'll watch it. If I end up hating the movie (X-Men: First Class) at least I would of seen Fassy.
When you speak of the stress you beleive ,you will be living today, is it outside stress,or inside stress? This is an oxymoron,stress is always coming from your Mind ,nowhere else.
On September 30 my parents will go see an old neighbor of ours and they will come back on October 4, I tried getting them to go longer (im paying for their gas...its cheaper than me renting something for a vacation) but they won't eventhough they too want a break (for me its a break from them and them its a break from this place).
Today was better. They did get to me but I was able to calm myself shortly every of those times. I was getting worried because the past few days my stress was so high that I thought I was going to lose it for real!
Except for a while this morning and for two to three hours tonight my stress was low. Tonight I will take my first of the ten ativan, hopefully it will help me get a good night sleep and most of all it will help me wake up relaxed and stay relaxed tomorrow.
Getting a good night's sleep is definitely key to being able to roll with what life gives you each day. It helps you maintain your balance. It's great that you are finding ways to get good sleep!
So I took my ativan at 2:33 and went straight to bed, I was writing waiting for it to take effect but at 3:12 nothing so I put my book and pen away then closed the light. After a while it was starting to take effect but after I changed my position it stopped. It ended up working because I slept all the way to passed 12:00 without waking up and I was not tired and I was relaxed. I stayed in bed because I was comfortable and got up at 14:01 still not tired and still relaxed. I did not stay relaxed all day though, my parents were able to get to me but it took longer than usual.
Today I almost had no stress. The few times my parents got to me was more annoyance than stress, instead of being stressed or/and angry I just rolled my eyes or/and sighed.
Another low stress day today. There was a small period tonight with my mom but I kept on playing songs on Youtube until she stopped. My dad almost got me earlier but he stopped by himself.
Today was another low stress day but it was higher than the previous three low stress days. My mom almost got me a few times. I'm also having troubles with my ears (my left especially), I know it's just wax but it's annoying and scary (its not usually like this), there's no ear drops left so I'll have to wait for tomorrow.
Most of my stress today came from when my left ear starting hurting after putting drops in it (it still hurts sometimes...i know its nothing serious but im still freaking out a little over this...if it would be serious i would not be here but in the hospital losing it...me and pain dont go well together especially when its serious). I don't remember one time today when my dad annoyed me (he did get mad at me because i had a different opinion on something that happened in Toronto) and my mom was almost not annoying today.
Stress wise I think I was okay today (had a few moments with both my parents but nothing too big) but tonight all the new stress (having to do with my ears) combined with the other stress so I am having a bad night. Later a movie I like with an actor I love is playing so I'll watch it tonight, Fassy (Michael Fassbender) will help me relax !
I'm very happy to be able to look at Fassy tonight because my awful night just got worst! A big spider was near the stove so I called my mom (she told me to come get her when theres 1 i cant get) and it's like that thing knew my mom would get her, when she was about to enter the kitchen the ugly thing jumped and disappeared! She looked around for several minutes and could not find it so that's added stress for me and no food cooked on the stove, we don't have anything to heat on the microwave but we do have some cup-a-soups so I have that along with the sweets and salty snacks.
Well spiders in general are considered spiritual. I myself, ummmm, not seein' why, but they are.
They LOVE me! I mean they send me Valentine's day cards, crawl in just about any Orphus you can think of.
So I was having a consultation w/a group or group-read, gathering.
How it works for me is I chit-chat about anything, strawberry pie, doing laundry (it's kind of like the old fashioned dial-tone or eh, never mind, lol)
so it's a party read and I'm at the table - the end. Someone is across from me and 2 sets of people are facing eachother on the sides.
I just start talking about how I HATE spiders and don't know why, but they're attracted to me like kids and animals.
Everyone's listening...trying to avoid eye-contact basically or stifling laughter or something and I'm like, "What?"
This "ballzy" Spider - 1/2, drops down from the ceiling and about 3 inches above my head, drips down a millicentameter at a time! Inching closer and closer.
They couldn't keep it in any longer and all busted out laughing and I was so grossed out I fell over backwards on the chair I was trying to both duck and get out from -
Something like that would of happened to me and I would of totally lost it! The spiders here are different from where I used to live, not only are they bigger but these demons come out during Winter too and they are as fast as they are when it's Summer! I saw two that were so huge that they could of passed for tarentulas!
Last night was really not my night! There was another spider in the bathroom and I saw it when I was brushing my teeth, the demon went hiding in the light! Now there's at least two hiding black spiders! I know that there's always spiders around us but when I see them I really know they are there! !
Today was an awful day! Stress, bad luck, migraine and to top it off for no reason and without warning I was suspended from the email account I went with on July 15! At least I did not see a spider (yet..theres still a few hours left before i go to bed)!
My stress has been higher than low but not that big. Most of the stress from today has been due to arthritis pain not my parents, the worst they made me do today is to roll my eyes.
Today my stress was low. Again my parents gave me none and the only stress I had was due to my health but my health was much better today so this is why the stress was low. I have to do something tomorrow and it would normally stress me but (right now anyway) I'm not stressing about it.
I had almost no stress today. My mom tried to get to me but she was not able to and my dad annoyed me for like a second. My health was fine today except for a low energy and my throat stress issues which came back in full force a few days ago (it never really went away but i was eating despite of it...the past few days i have to admit that i have eaten less than usual...today i have started eating more again).
My stress was higher today and it was all because of my parents. My mom was especially bad today, my dad was too but I did not have the impression that he was doing it on purpose but my mom most of what she did today gave me that impression. The worst is that I caught my mom being annoyed by my dad and there she is doing the same to me. It was not to the point of me about to lose it, not even close (i had really awful days for a while!!!!!).
Today a portion of my stress was because I had a dentist appointment but most of it was again due to my parents and again it was my mother who did most of it.
And something on our car broke today (just when we entered our town...another sign that this town is cursed...every single day has been hell for me since moving here and nothing has worked for our family....we have never been closed and stress was always part of our lives but it was far from that point...i could also live with them without going insane) and what broke will cost lots of money so that will be mote debt (theres no public transport here). The worst is that they would of had some money extra by the end of the month, not too much but since moving here and spending too much on renovations they never ended a month with extra money.
Left the house this morning after cleaning up the kitchen, doing hubby's work clothes for tomorrow, man down at work so had to work harder than usual, used too many lives on Candy Crush Saga...
then came home to dirty dishes and THEN..my 3 yr old granddaughter in AZ wanted to tell her Nana (me) she just got glasses ..awe...THEN..Karen and Michelle gave me inspiration for my weekend on my How do you eat Salmon? topic...I'm good now! LOL
I almost had no stress today. A few moments were tense but they lasted a few seconds so it was far from being bad. And someone in town checked our car and he think it is something else that broke, my dad will bring it to the closest garage tomorrow, if that's that it will be less than 500$, it is a lot but the other thing would of been much more, we'll know for sure tomorrow (his plan is to try and go to that garage while driving the car...i hope he calls a tow instead because not only will this end up costing more because this will cause more damage he will put himself and everyone else in danger while doing so).
I'm going to go make some fried eggs now waiting for two shows, the first part of Master Chef had many and I have a craving since then (ate some this morning but its not enough to cover that craving...lol).
Today the stress was almost at 0%! And also we had a good news, turns out (my dad went at the garage with a tow) what was broken on our car was a pipe and it costed less than 100$.
I think your healthy stress levels are all kudos to your building strength and being able to take a longer view of what is going on. Stress all comes down to how we react to life. Every day is going to have "things" happen - and whether we think of them as good things or not-good things is all within our brain.
Good for you for creating a positive goal, and focusing on it!
My stress level today is about 5%, because of an impending death in my family.
To help myself I'll be sitting in a meditation for our cyber group in about 3 hours. Here is an article I wrote to help get the most out of a meditation session:
I sometimes have several days in a row where I can completely cut off the bad things but then my negativity always come back. I know that by always staying inside the house I'm not helping myself. Hopefully when Summer will be gone I'll start walking again (i hate summers and also have a phobia of spiders and here theres a lot of them plus theres like a million flies so when you dont bathe in antibugs stuff you are in trouble)!
I find meditation helpful but I can always just do it for a few seconds. I always have things on my mind and cannot clear my mind for longer than a few seconds. When I'm able to clear my mind it is very helpful and peaceful.
I'm so sorry to hear about the upcoming loss. That must be quite challenging to work with. I suppose it does give you time to say goodbye, which some people don't have. So it's a balance of things.
If I can help in any way, let me know.
Thank you for sharing the article on meditation!! Meditation is SO key for all of us, to help us build coping skills.
So much of how we see the universe is colored by the words we assign to them. I know it's easy to fall into habits, but it is so worth it to get free of our own virtual prisons!
For example, you say you "hate" summer - but there's no reason to hate an entire season! Surely there are some good things about summer. Rather than cause yourself stress by feeling unhappy about three straight months, find ways to focus on the good parts. It's not that you hate summer - I bet there's some things you like about it. What are those? Maybe there are sports or shows you enjoy in the summer?
Give thought to the things you *love* about summer. Sure, there are flies. There's always something to "deal with" in each season, and that's OK. But flies are just one tiny part of what summer is all about.
Our brains fall into ruts based on where we let them go. It's like someone driving the same way to work every day. It becomes second nature. They don't even think about it. That's how the brain works. It builds in traditions. We don't think about how we brush our teeth - we just do it. The brain is built for that.
So if you build in a tradition of looking for the bad things, you'll always find them. There will always be something bad to see. But that causes all sorts of bodily stress and damage. So it's a good habit to get out of.
Try this. The next time you start to think about something unhappy or bad, bring up the vision of a giant red stop sign. And think to yourself, STOP. The visual helps . Then think about something you LOVE. It can be a food or a sports team or a place. Whatever it is, focus on that. Let the other negative thing go. Whatever it is, it's not that important.
Try that just for one day. Just for one day, STOP your mind when it goes down its well worn ruts.
On meditation, read the article that Susan posted. It is awesome. Yes, it is natural and normal that your mind will jump around! That is "monkey mind" and that is a normal way that all human minds work. That is a part of meditation. It is fine to have a monkey mind in meditation. A key part of meditation is learning to work gently with your monkey mind.
So don't be sad or worry if your mind jumps around! That's what it does. It would be like being upset at a baby for wiggling. Babies wiggle! That is a good thing. We'd be quite sad if a baby stopped wiggling. Wiggling is a sign of life. So embrace your monkey mind. Know that it is normal. And, with your monkey mind, sit somewhere and breathe deeply, just like Susan explains.
Try just ten minutes each day. You'll find that, each new day, you see some changes in what happens to you during those ten minutes. And you'll also see that it changes how the rest of your day goes.
Do you have ten minutes today that you could sit quietly somewhere?
I hate Summer because when it is hot I have no energy. Sun does not do that to me but the heat does. Thankfully here it rarely gets that hot but because of all these insects I don't go outside until September comes. There are still lots of insects in September but it is much colder so I have the energy to walk. I used to be able to ride a bicycle, rollerblade and go to the park during Summers when I was young despite the heat but then my bicycle broke and so did the rollerblades and they never got replaced so I let the heat turn to hate, I've been staying inside during Summers for many years now.
Summers seems to be like my laziness and depression, I let those things come into my life and take a big place so I just have to find a way to get rid of these things.
As for quiet time to meditate I cannot try until my mom is in bed. My dad stays up later than her but he stays in his room upstairs and goes downstairs only to get food when he is hungry. Like right now my mom is in the other living room doing her best to annoy me, hard to meditate like that.
I will try to remember to visualize that stop sign the next time I get angry or stressed. For me what works is to think of Shumi, the next best thing is to play a favorite song of mine. For a few years I could always go back to my happy times (theres not a lot but theres some) but years ago these happy memories have started to only make me sad so that does not work.
You know the saying is the glass half full of half empty, well I'm the half empty type. I always go to the negative instead of the positive. I was able to stay away from this for many years despite my depression but the years of being let down, rejections, plans that did not go anywhere and dreams smashed just about killed me. Everytime I went down I got back up but the problem with doing that everytime I had to get up the climb up was longer than it was before so it just got too far so I gave up. I want to change that too.
Today my stress was much higher. My parents almost drove me crazy but tonight when I was doing something I lost it. At first when I started making mistakes I was able to calm myself telling myself that it was okay to just keep at it but the more I was doing mistakes the more I was getting angry then I started calling myself names and after more mistakes I hit myself (started doing that after we moved...i NEVER used to do that before we moved here). I did it anyway despite my frustration and I will stick to the decision which came from this, I am sick and tired of the situation I am in and I am sick and tired of making decisions and not standing by them!
After it was done I put the score of Prometheus on (on Youtube since i dont have the cd) and that has calmed me, I'll listen to the rest then make some food and go eat it in front of the television.
We still have two weeks left of summer so let's find a way to at least gentle the hate level . Maybe you can look at this as your "inside time" which gives you time to learn about things! Then you can put those new skills and knowledge into practice in the other seasons. So yes summer can be hot - but that's OK because it means you're inside learning things. Find a way to come to peace with summer .
It's fine to meditate when your parents are in bed! That sounds like the perfect time. We all have different schedules, and we work around the people in our lives. I love meditating in the evening.
Hurdles are a natural part of life. The Harry Potter author was rejected I think 25 times. Can you imagine getting a rejection letter, then another, then another, and to keep writing fresh letters to new publishers? It can definitely wear you down - but when you keep at it, you eventually get there.
Thomas Edison if light-bulb fame failed *all* the time. He had failure after failure after failure. Each failure taught him something, and then he'd try again in a slightly different way. Eventually he got there!
So yes, you've had rejections and stuck plans. That's OK. That is what life tends to do to us. See what you can learn from those, and then map out a fresh path. The fresh path will be even better, because you now have that experience behind you. Then think about just one tiny step you can make toward that new path.
I had my heart set on having my books published with Harlequin. I tried and tried and tried. I wrote book after book. And they kept rejecting me. Finally I looked at all those failures, looked at my options, and I self published instead. I'm very happy I did! So I found a path that worked, and those rejections helped me choose that path.
I'm sorry to hear you were so frustrated you hit yourself. Nobody should hit you, even yourself. And nobody should be calling you names. You are a lovely person and you are worthy of respect.
The next time you find yourself starting to call yourself names, try the stop sign. Tell yourself to stop - that you deserve respect.
Is there something you've done in your life that you're proud of?
Something I'm proud of? I cannot seriously thing of one thing.
I am talented with writing but it's been so long that when I tried writing again I did not know where to start. I have had that wonderful story that would make a great book but it has been on my head for many years and it's almost all gone now.
I realised later last night before my shower that I made a mistake with what I did (i preffer not to say...ill talk about it when it will be done...its step by step work) so I have to do it again, I'll wait until I'm having a nice day so if I make mistakes again while doing it I won't end up calling myself names and hitting myself.
Yesterday was just an awful day, it not only was bad and stressfull it was very long, I was up for about fifteen hours and it felt like days. I almost had a panic attack after my shower because I had water fall on my left eye, that's how that day was. And to top it off when I was about to fall asleep my right ear started hurting and that kept me awake for most of the night, I will be suprised if I slept for one hour.
Thank you very much for all you said! I forgot about that stop sign trick so I did not try it.
Today was another very stressfull day but I did not insult and hit myself like yesterday. My parents were working overtime to drive me crazy. My mom especially was going at it for hours this afternoon. At least my dad does not go on purpose where I am to drive me insane unlike my mom, she knows what it's doing to me and she does stop sometimes but she comes back in full force. Today was especially obvious that she is doing it on purpose.
Today was a low stress day. I had a few hours totally to myself (my dad was getting some of our wood for this coming cold season and my mom was working outside and i did not hear her) and this brought me a lot of peace, it helped me stop my parents from getting to me when they came back so now I know for sure that this small break will help me.
Until a few minutes ago I was having no stress. I was able to block my parents, it was not easy with my mom but I did it anyway. Tonight they were able to break through my barrier. My dad for a while then my mom came into the other living room to finish it (she probably was mad because not only i was not letting her get to me today i stopped her a few times this morning and also when she started again at the start of the night).
I'm sorry about that. As long as there's no crime committed we should all be able to do whatever we want on our own property.
Where we used to live there's an inspector who decided to get into it with us when we finally had enough money for a fence. He did not let it go for many years, he even took us to court twice and we won both times, the last time the judge told him to do something worthwhile with his time and after a few more months he stopped bullying us. All over a fence.
I finally tried that stop sign trick (i never thought about it when stressed until now) a few minutes ago when my dad was driving me crazy and it worked!
I tried the stop sign a few times after my comment here and it continued to work.
So far when I hit myself I use my hands and it's mostly on my thighs but sometimes I am so stressed and angry that I hit my head and then too I use my hands. Before I start doing that I start to call myself names. I only started doing these things about one year after moving here. I spent almost my entire life with sadness and stress but it never went that far.
I am mostly frustrated with myself because of what my life has become. To say that it is pathetic would be way too nice to describe my life.
There's still eighteen pictures to be taken with the disposable camera but tomorrow eight will be taken (i want 4 before and 4 after everytime i go get pink dye in my hair...tomorrow is my second appointment) so there will be ten left. I'm sorry it's taking so long!
I am so so pleased that the stop sign is helping out. Visualize it nice and large and red and glowing. It is there to help you. It is your friend.
Whatever it is that is going on, it is temporary. Things will change tomorrow.
I absolutely understand your frustration. You are dealing with a lot! But it is all temporary. It will all go away. You don't have a time machine. You can't undo this current situation. So being upset about being in it only adds stress to your life and doesn't help. I.e. it's not like you can go back in time and "undo" it. So all you can do is start from here and move forward. That's your only choice.
So be compassionate with yourself, and heck, be grateful that things aren't worse. Lots of people out there are dealing with terminal cancer or starving to death or lack of limbs from war wounds. So you're actually in fairly good shape! Be grateful for what you have - a roof, food, and relative safety. Then move from here forward, to make your world better.
You enjoy writing - that is fantastic! This is a great thing to respect about yourself. Someday in the future you will have a wonderful place where you are at peace and can write. Hold that thought in your mind. You are deserving of that writing retreat. You will get there. One step at a time.
Until then, you can nurture yourself and take care of yourself, to be ready for that future.
Right now the stop sign is only working with my dad. My mom is right now in the other living room making me crazy, that stop sign is not working at all (she has been going at it since this breakfast).
She left me a note the other day saying that if they would not go she would give me my 200$ back, today she told me that the only way they won't go is if their friend (where they will stay...our old neighbor) is sick or something else that is bad happened, if she would of explained it like that it would not of brought me so much extra stress and it would not of scared me (a nightmare i had this week is probably due to that note).
When I think of other people who are so much worst than me I feel worst than I did before thinking about it.
If I can have these four days by myself I just know that I'll have the energy that is lacking right now to do something.
A few months ago I was going to buy on Amazon something to learn German but at the last minute I deleted it, there is no way that I can learn a new language in my situation.
It's getting colder here and soon there will be less flies and spiders so I won't have that excuse anymore for not walking.
Next week I'm going to do-over what I did the other night but did it so fast and stressed that I did it wrong, I'll pick a day and time where I will not be stressed (or fully stressed...moments where im not stressed at all are very rare).
I also started watching Tennis again. I only had my Dallas Stars to follow this past year so following Ralfie again (Rafael Nadal) is going to help me too (tonight will be my second match back to the sport...by some miracle it will be live on tv).
It is a little high today, because I'm going on vacation next Tuesday and my work load is a little crazy! I know, however, that it will all be here when I get back AND that others take vacation and are in no particular rush to give me what I need to help them before they leave, so if they are not pressed, I'm de-stressing and planning to enjoy my vacation and not be stressed.
Today has been a stressed day but compared to other days I had it was heaven. My dad I was able to block but not my mom. I have a Tennis match in one hour, if my mom does not cone into the living rooms during the game I will be okay for the rest of the day.
I did thanks and as a bonus he won very fast so that's extra time in bed for me, I won't watch Master Chef even if he finished before it's starting but no problem since it's going to be on Youtube.
Until the middle of afternoon I was able to block the stress (it was hard for a while this morning...almost lost it but was able to) but again my mom was able to break throught, it did not last long but it was awful when it lasted. In less than one hour I have a Tennis match, earlier I thought that Federer lost but found out he came back to win so if Ralfie wins tonight I'll more than enjoy that match tomorrow!
I know that this may sound ridiculous but it is the way they do it. I bet anyone that if they would see and hear they not only would be annoyed but they would be frustrated and even scared. When my dad does it he sounds like someone is about to totally lose it, sometimes it is scary, especially when he does both things at the same time. At first my mom was annoyed by him then she started imitating him and now she does it on purpose because she knows that it is driving me crazy, she is now coming in the same room I am to do it where I am, yesterday she did it over and over for several hours.
Today so far I had stress but not too bad. My dad had me on the edge for a little while and when my mom started I put a song on Youtube very loud and she stopped, she asked me something during the song and I ignored her and she has not tried to annoy me since then except for when I was making food earlier in the kitchen and I just started talking over her. Tonight I have a Tennis match so I'll be okay, noone who knows me have ever tried to bother me when I watch my sports, they know they'll be seriously hurt if they dare do that.
Today was a low stress day. Almost everytime my parents were getting on my nerves I found a way to calm down, when I was not able to I was not extremely stressed so I calmed myself quickly.
My stress was higher today. It was like my parents realised that I had two days with almost no stress and they needed to change that. I was not near a breakdown like it happened so much during the past months thankfully. And until today when I started talking over them they would stop but my mom just would not today, she would even do it louder.
Thursday is a big day for me so tomorrow my plan is to relax and be in a good place Thursday to do what I need to do.
The only stress I had today was when I left work and got on a different train..I wondered if I was going to Manhattan (but read that this particular train wasn't doing that for 14 months in the light of Hurricane Sandy Repairs), but forgot about that on the train...lol..panicked and had to find a conductor when the train stopped..all sweaty and frustrated now at this point.
I was fine. No need to panic. I need to trust myself more.
I got on the wrong bus once and started panicking but luckily the bus driver was nice and stopped and showed me the place where the correct bus would stop. But the worst was when I went to my first Hockey game alone, going there was fine there was a tunnel where the subway is that goes straight to the arena but they close that tunnel when the game starts and I only found that when the game was over. I was lost and kept asking people where a subway station is and I kept on being sent to the wrong places (some people told me that it could be because i had the other teams jersey on but people in my province are like that so who knows) until I found an English speaking couple who directed me to the right place, it was about time I found them because I was close to a panic attack.
Today my stress was high and it was again because of my parents, both of them worked very hard to drive me crazy and it almost worked because I was on the edge many times, I still don't know how I was able to not blow up.
I had a better day today. Low stress and better luck (last night after my comment here was awful.....first i had white strings [no idea from what] in my food then a spider that i lost for a while and then when watching a favorite movie of mine that i havent seen in many years i hurt my left wrist just by running my left hand in my hair.......hopefully tonight will be better!!!).
Today my stress level was the same as yesterday, the only difference is that yesterday it was caused mostly by my father and today it was mostly caused by my mom.
Today started with stress and bad luck, the stress went away but the bad luck stayed. That made me afraid because I had something to do (the thing i did wrong and with lots of stress and anger a while ago...i wanted to do it a few days ago but the day i had set i was too stressed so i decided on this week instead...i almost did not do it today but i pumped myself up and did it) but it turned out well for me, luckily this little step taken will help me to take more steps, right now I am very happy with myself!
Today I had a bad moment with my mom that was driving me crazy but besides that, the bad luck and me not being able to see most of my match on television (EVEN missing some of it when the place i was watching it on the internet decided to cut away...i missed many minutes while trying to find another place.....at least this time the image was not frozen like during the first match) it was an okay day.
Last night before going to bed I took the fifth ativan (have 5 left), I wrote in bed for a little while after then closed the light and layed down, I again (only felt an ativan work once) did not feel it working but I fell asleep quickly and slept for hours then after waking up for a few minutes fell asleep again for at least another hour. I stayed in bed for probably more than one hour before getting up because I was so comfortable and when I did get up I was relaxed, happy and I even had serenity. Sadly it all quickly went away thanks to both of my parents. These minutes of serenity were awesome and peaceful!
And I am happy to say that last night I spent many hours doubting the decision I made Wednesday and then to try and change that but I fought myself and did not gave in to my negativity! That decision was a small one (3 things really but they go together and they all lead to bigger things) but it is an important one.
It is wonderful that you are building up knowledge about your stress levels and how they impact you. You're doing a great job with better sleep, all due to your efforts with your stress levels. It's wonderful that you're building a resistance to the negativity!
I have a suggestion. So much of how we feel is caused by our own perceptions of the world. I.e. two people can be in the exact same room, seeing the exact same things, and one can be happy while the other is sad. It's all about how we allow ourselves to perceive what we see and hear. And we absolutely can change how we react. Brains are not fixed. Research proves this over and over again.
How we phrase things, with words, can have a strong impact on how we perceive things. Words impart meaning.
So, with that being said, I'd like to suggest an experiment. Instead of thinking of your parents having a cosmic "power" to force you to have stress, which they don't, think of them as being self-centered. What they are doing, they're doing for their own internal reasons. They are like mindless robots on a track. Even though it might seem that they are doing something for a reason involving you, really it's all about them. They want to feel better. For whatever twisted programming reason, doing something that interacts with you makes them feel better.
So, to simplify it, for this experiment, avoid saying they "are causing you stress" or "they are driving you crazy". Those all imply that they are forcing you to do things. They can't! They are completely outside your body. Only you are inside your own head.
Instead, phrase it from YOUR point of view. "I got stressed when my Mom did X." Or "I got upset when my Dad did Y." That's the first step! Phrase it that you had a reaction to something. Focus on your reactions.
I will try that, if it works it may be a while (remember how it took me a long time to try the stop sign...it worked but i forgot about it...ill try to remember it next time because it really worked when i did it).
It would not be so hard if my parents would not do this on purpose. You should of seen them yesterday, it is very obvious they do that on purpose and it is also obvious to see them happy when I am down. The only time they did not swim with happiness in my sorrow was when I was having a breakdown during Shumi's last Italy grand prix when with Ferrari, they know too well that when it has to do with him I never let anyone get to me in any way so if they would of done anything wrong them it would not of been pretty and fun for both of them.
Today stress wise it was better. I also felt better over all. Today is a Sunday and the coming fourth Sunday will be the day my parents will be packing for their little vacation, that has given me some energy. Plus yesterday something happened and at first I thought it was a negative thing but I realised it was a positive thing after all.
Nothing in life is inherently bad. It's all about how we think about it. Things that might seem hiccups are really often GOOD things that are helping us grow.
You're less than a month away! Celebrate each day!
Today I was able to block my parents but it was very hard, during the day I had problems blocking my dad and at night it was my mom, I almost hurt myself while blocking them (my nails are getting big and i was closing my fists while trying to block them).
My stress is extremely high today and it has nothing to do with my parents.
Everything has not worked today! My keys were stucked in the keyring I wanted to change (my mom got them out with a tool...we have NO idea how that happened) and (there were many more things before and in between the next thing....it will take me too long to list everything that went bad today!!!!!!) I just spent more than one hour trying to get a new email address, I had one in mind from ZZN (an Elmo address) and I saw that they are now asking almost 20$ for having an email address with them (word of advice to everyone here....they are NOT worth paying for...anyway i dont see why pay for an email address...i never paid for 1 and never will) so then I tried another place where it looked like it had worked but no so I tried another place and the same thing happened! Finally I was able to find a new place for an email address!
There's a few hours left to my day, I am scared for what is coming my way!
Think of these things as strength training exercises. It's just like going to the gym. When you go to the gym, to help your muscles get stronger, you lift weights with heavy things on them. This builds your strength and practice.
So these hurdles you faced - like with the email - were your training. They were about relatively minor things. Email isn't a life-or-death situation. They were your training grounds to help you build your perseverance. And you did persevere! You made it through, and succeeded! So that is great. The training exercise did exactly what it was meant to do, and you are stronger now!
I know these are small minor things but think about things like that happening every single day for years! I moved here on November 9 2009 and today we are September 4 2013 and every single day here has been like that, this is no joke and no exageration! I have had zero normal days, zero! When it's not something it's something else! Always, all the time, every single day!
If it weren't for Shumi coming back to Formula One for three years I would of probably killed myself by now, I got used to live a pathetic life but at least I used to have normal days!
This house or the ground or the city is cursed (if its not that then i want to know why it all turned for the worst when i got here)!
Ah but see, it's where you have your expectations set.
It's *normal* to run into computer problems! That's normal and natural and happens every day. It would be *abnormal* for computers to work flawlessly . So rather than imagining an abnormally no-hurdles world which doesn't really exist, it's less stressful to realize that the world does always have hurdles in it, and to wonder each day what the hurdles might be.
It's like a rainbow. Rainbows only come after rain. The rain isn't "unnatural". It's normal and good and it waters flowers - and then we get rainbows!
Yes, every day has strange things happen. That's what life is .
Today I was all ready to print three photos to submit to an "abstract" art show. I was then told by friends that my photos aren't actually abstract. One could think of this as an abnormal setback. But it's just part of life! Life is this way. And now I'm having lots of fun choosing other photos. I'll go post about it in the photography forum.
Today stress wise it was better. The main problem was not my stress or bad luck it was low energy, probably caused by the awful day I had yesterday. I think my match will be 100% on television tonight (theres only doubles and juniors playing on the other courts and they never show this so it would be insane that i miss parts of my game) so that right there makes me happy, the match I was waiting to end just finished so mine is coming.
Today the only stress I had was a little after my mom came in the house after working outside with my dad and she was hurting really bad, at first she only mentioned the chest and face so I thought she was having an heart attack (she had 1 a few years ago...that too was very stressful she was refusing to call 911 and only when i said that i would call for her that she finally did) but then she finally mentioned her back was hurting too so I went to get the heating pad and most of her pain went away after that. My parents always find a way to stress me out, my first memories is them freaking out over anything and them acting this way to scare me.
I know that but all the years of seeing my parents very sick and refusing to get medical help is very stressful. My mom is slowly dying because she cannot eat and you add to that her heart attack, high pression, arthritis and a few other serious illness she has everytime I see her in pain I think this is it. Now with my dad who had an heart attack a few months ago and he refused to go to the hospital everytime I hear him in pain (he whines like hes dying when he gets a cramp) I think this is it too. They don't care about themselves so in their mind I should not care about them either (thats what my mom told me in front of a friend not too long ago...when i told her that i could not do that she left our friends house angry and did not talk to me for days...she would not even look at me), they may be able to do that but I can't.
Last night I took the seventh of the ten ativan before going to bed. It helped me sleep and I woke up relaxed. My mom was trying to get to me this morning before my breakfast and she was not able to (it was hard to block her but i did...i almost lost it at least once) for the rest of the day only my dad got on my nerves but he was far from getting to me.
When I got up I learned from a letter written by my mother (THE SAME WOMAN THAT HATES PEOPLE WHO CANNOT SPEAK FACE TO FACE WITH SOMEONE) that they will not go!
She of course used a lot of made up excuses (ONE OF THEIR BEST TALENT)!
And of course she waited until a day that she knew I was looking forward to (SHE TALKED TO THE FRIEND THEY WOULD OF STAYED WITH A FEW DAYS AGO SO SHE KNEW AT LEAST UNTIL THEN IF NOT THEN SHE COULD OF WAITED UNTIL TOMORROW BUT HEY THAT WOULD NOT OF BEEN A DAY THAT I WAS EXCITED FOR)!
The first excuses are the Summer and Winter tires being too used and the bigger cities being strict on that (FIRST THEY ONLY NEED THE SUMMER TIRES AND THEY ARE NOT SO USED THAT THEY WOULD GET A TICKET FOR IT)!
Then it was about the car not being trustworthy (AND RIGHT AFTER THAT SHE TELLS ME THAT WE COULD ALL GO TO NEWS BRUNSWICK AND MATANE AND RIMOUSKI AND GO SEE ALL THE WATERFALLS NEAR HERE)!
Then that they would not have extra money while there (I OFFERED TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING IT IS THEM WHO ONLY WANTED GAS MONEY)!
Then she went on about all the things she cannot afford (THE FIRST THING SHE MENTIONED IS TOOTHPASTE WHICH IS A HUGE LIE BECAUSE HER TOOTH IS THE ONLY PLACE SHE ALWAYS REFUSED TO COMPROMISED SO SHE NEVER MISSED ANYTHING ABOUT HER TEETH AND THE REST THAT SHE DOES NOT BUY IS HER CHOICE BECAUSE SHE LETS MY DAD BUY EVERYTHING HE WANTS SO THERES NO MONEY LEFT FOR HER)!
One of their best talent is the silent treatment and this is what they will get from me! I bet you all that they will not try to break that by asking me what is wrong or by confronting me about it because it will mean them being told the truth and they do not want that! They made sure not to be in the house when I got up! When I was doing my morning routine (when im sleeping my shades are down and when im doing my morning beauty routine the shades of that room are down so for that its easy to know where i am) they went hiding in the attick and when I went in my living room they went back outside! And from now on when I will be in the living rooms these two doors will remain closed, there too I bet you all that they will not open them and enter when I will be here!
So from now on I am alone and I put all my energy on myself! Thye will know I am moving out when they will see me box my things! They will not know my phone number and my address! In the meantime I will use them like they used me and they are using me!
My mom asked me a few minutes ago if I would be like that for much longer and I ignored her completely, if she thinks I will let these so-called parents ruin my Tennis match they better think again!
None of my parents tried any form of contact with me today.
To be honest them not going may of been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Instead of putting me in a bigger depression and to add more stress it actually gave me energy and the boost that I needed to start moving so I can take life changing decisions. And so far the more I go ignoring them the less stress I have.
Again nothing from my parents today and I still feel like a ton of stress and bad feelings was lifted off my shoulders.
Right now they think that I will make the first step to repair the relationships because this (my brother too when he was alive) is what I always have done but finally I am completely refusing to be manipulated by them. Even when I was very young they did what I am doing to them (yes i am talking about when i was a child....silent treatment to children...1 of the many things they did) so finally they are getting at least one of the things they did to me right back.
That is wonderful, that you can see the situation as a positive thing. You are making such progress! It's absolutely true - this happened for a reason. It is giving you the motivation and energy you need to improve your life.
Your health is important. Focus on your health and how you can care for it.
Map out a plan, and then start on that very first step.
I could have had enormous stress this past week. My main server for all my personal websites - LisaShea.com WineIntro.com RomanceClass.com and the rest - had a hard drive and mother board failure. The entire server went down and couldn't be repaired.
They tried for a day to fix it and finally had to build me a new server. This new server is running new software (Windows 2008) so there are all sorts of changes and incompatabilities.
But being stressed wouldn't have helped. It would have made things worse. So I took a deep breath and began working one step at a time.
In the end, this is a great thing, because now I have a faster, new server, and I'm using more current software. These are all good things.
If it takes me some hurdles to get there, that is OK. That is what life is about.
At this point the sites are mostly back up. I'm still having problems with MySQL which runs my forums and blogs. Those are fairly large. So I'm losing traffic with them being down. I'm also concerned that there might be some actual damage to my MySQL file and I've lost a lot of data. So that is what I'm focusing on today.
I'm striving to do it stress-free though. Getting stressed won't help me focus. I need to be calm and focused and do my best.
I still am pretty much stress free (the stress that was coming from my parents that is....that was the major part of my stress so now the stress i have is little and can be managed).
I think I am done with writing down all my options, I want to give myself a few more days of thinking to be sure I have not forgotten anything. Then I'll make a decision on my future.
Windows 2008, never had that one. It is weird that they used that for a website, I would of thought that using the newest one would be the best. But except for using the internet and a few other easy things I pretty much don't know anything about computers. My favorite Windows was Windows 98, I miss that thing almost everyday. I'm stuck with Windows 7, I hate that thing, Vista and XP were awesome compared to it. I was waiting for the latest one and was so angry when I saw that it was made for touched screens.
I hope your website is back to complete normal now!
I have been in a lot of stress for past few days. Had a clash with my boy friend and it is almost in a state of break-up. But really that is not what I want.
He is not trusting me. Each and every time for every single problem he is like questioning me as though I am doing something harmful to him.
But I really true to my heart didn't mean to do that. I truly love him and I don't know how to make him understand that. Please can anyone help me with it.
I know that it won't be a great relationship when there is not any trust. But I just want to know the reason why he is thinking I am not trust worthy. Without doing anything wrong am getting blamed for everything. It really hurts me a lot Nancy. I almost hated myself when he said me like that.
I am really fed up with my life Nancy. Don't know what to decide or how to do it.
I am fed up with my life too Anna. On November 11 I will be 37-years-old and September 9 2013 is the day I finally decided to not let my parents get to me anymore. I am still living with them but I do not let them manipulate and hurt me anymore and I am working on getting out. When I will get out it will be forever.
Did you have any troubles before meeting him? If not then tell yourself how happy you were before meeting him and without him you will be back to that time. If you were not then tell yourself that someone who do not trust you cannot help you, he can only drag you more down than you are.
I wish I could help you more. Until I got a computer with an internet connection I never had anyone help me and show me love. I am also in a very dark place but thankfully I had my awakening, hopefully you have yours too.
I am thankful for you Nancy. I don't know whom to ask for help. You helped me out at the correct time.
I don't know what it will take but surely am going to try to have a life without him. Hope that's going to be better for me. I will say to myself that I am going to be better soon.
It's unfortunate, Anna and I'm sorry it hurts when trials like this seem to be like a "Polar-Express," ramping off into some sort of parallel Universe.
When, there's an issue from another person, placing blame outside of themselves onto a partner, roommate, friend, even relative, almost always, the problem lies w/in them and NOT you! That's the first thing.
Secondly, depending on what the issue that lies beneath really is, sometimes, this is a route that's taken to purge a release of frustration of some sort, like they're failing in some manner and choose to project it onto someone else...like "You made me...." whatever.
Or, could be the fights are a way of building up an over complex to act in a way they could not if they weren't mad enough to do so, such as leaving or cheating...it's like a diversion, sort of.
It gives an excuse or justify doing something.
Either way, relationships are hard and if you've one that's constantly pointing blame, that can even turn into emotional abuse, which in effect can be made even worse when the person appears appologetic (meaning you).
It can sometimes be they want you to get made back so they can act....justify a means
What happened? Now I'm going to make you jealous. I had one of the best days at work for a long time. We giggled and laughed all day.
My only stress part was walking in my shoes from the subway just one block home. I'm having a little trouble with my left foot. It feels like I'm walking on bones and it hurts. That was my only stress for 5 minutes at the end of my day today at 9 p.m. I kicked off my shoes and socks as I walked in the door and now I'm having a nice glass of wine and talking to you! What a life!! lol (and working on my article of course!)
BTW, today at work a lot of our customers were in a bad mood or argumentative, my co-worker who I laughed with all day kept hurting herself in a minor way...I saw a full moon as I got off of the train...that explains a lot!
And, you made me smile! I love that no matter where we are we can converse, meet-up and just get to where we need to be.
You mention foot and bones, my husband just said that exact same thing earlier. I swear, more and more affirmations, just repetive phrases, they are increasing.
My memory/reading/writing is frustrating for me! But an emotional episode ooOOrrrr, a picture and and emotion, SMACK! Brings it all back.
So my head today feels like it's in the middle of an intersection and I'm the "Bobbie" is that a term somewhere, where they direct traffic, lol?
The day you described, normally I have those at least 2-3 a week, good ones.
Today, it's like o.k. Elleise needs help figuring something out.
Normally I cook and it goes away. I tried that...didn't help and I'm in "The war of The Roses" type of deal cat-sitting for a friend, litterally having a pisng-contest!!!!
Grrrrr and FEWEY!!!! Smiling on the inside... (he-he).
I am still giving the silent treatment to my parents like they did to me many times. Except one time Tuesday morning when she tried to start a fight my mom have not tried any form of contact with me, she acts like I don't even exist. That Tuesday I had an appointment and errands to run before it so I talked to my dad but only to tell hom where I needed to go and how long the appointment would take, he thinks this is funny.
I am still doing fine with it all. Today I decided to stay here longer so I have more money when I will move out.
My mom is not oblivious like my dad so she knows that all she has to do is to apologize but she never had to do that so she hates that. I don't even have to change my schedule so I can avoid her because she is the one avoiding me. I thought about this a few days ago and I think she did not even talk about me paying for a vacation for them with my dad, one of these days when I think it's a perfect time I will ask him if she did.
My mom by doing that to me is the one who is paying. Now she is alone. After she tried to start a fight with me she went straight to my dad and I heard her say that she is tired of this. On rare occasions she can talk to her best friend on the phone and go see a nice neighbor but almost 100% of the time now she is all alone. We used to talk about everything, we could debate, confide each others, joke, watch movies, television shows, listen to music, when she needed something I could help her, she could go to the internet and she could learn what is going on in the world from me. Plus she is still sick. That is her choice. If she apologizes I will not go back to being manipulated by her but at least I will become civil again.
And the worst of it all is that on September 26 it would of been my brother's birthday. She loves to bring him up to make me and everyone else feel bad but yet she decides to ignore her only remainding child because she wanted to give her parents a paid vacation that they both wanted and needed.
I've been really tired and that makes me feel like I can't do everything I need to. I just need to take a break, sit quietly and read a good book. So that's what I will do tonight.
Hi there,
Very new to the site and forums in general. So this is a huge step already for me to be on here, lol. There is no doubt that I have trust issues and it takes a long time for me to feel comfortable enough to express my true feelings with people (face to face). I have seeked professional help (therapist) on this and have gotten better at the "emotional sharing." I probably didn't get in touch with my emotions until last year. I was numb for years.
I am not ashamed of my anxiety. Emotions are okay and make us human. What matters is how we deal with anxiety. I don't have panic attacks every day, only when everything gets too much. I had one this morning and the last one happened about two months ago. But I don't know, it feels like my family are dramatising my anxiety even more? And I only confide in them when I feel nervous about something once a month. But after today, I'm kind of done with the sharing with them. Not after I willing listen to their drama everyday.
They go, "you do know you have anxiety and depression?"
Le me - *Well, duh!*
"You need to handle it on your own."
Me - which is what I have been doing for months on end.
A lot has happened in the last twelve months of my life. There has been many funerals, career changes, a lose of closeness I used to have with two family members (cousins but they were my siblings), one terrible break-up (still single today) and my autistic brother turning eighteen (due to the transition his behavior has changed drastically and he has become more high needs).
I wake up happy everyday and go to sleep happy. It's just you still have your bad days and that is okay. Things have built up again and I crumbled with the tears this morning. I only cry when I crumble under the stress of everything. I'm 21 and still live at home due to studying at uni. I write a lot of fiction, participate alot in uni clubs, have lots of hobbies and work many jobs. I do plan to move out but can't afford to yet and I have high aspirations to travel before I do.
I suppose my thing today is that I'm looking for another pair of ears or in this case eyes to listen and maybe give advice. I can no longer talk to family anymore because their stress levels cannot take the extra weight of my own (so they claim which does hurt because I'm always listening everyday but when it comes to my worries, they don't want to hear it). I can talk to friends about some things but at the moment, it seems like they are spinning the conversation around and it's just about their problems. I'm just feel drained and so tried even though I'm sleeping like eight plus hours a day. I feel like my nerves are fried.
Does this sound like a burnout? If so, does anyone have any coping strategies?
Thank you for listening. I feel slightly better now that I've expressed some feelings.
A lot of people who don't understand Depression and Anxiety will downplay what you are feeling. Even though they say they know what it is, it is obvious by their actions that they don't understand.
I'm not sure if what you are experiencing would be called "burnout" - so much as "normal" Anxiety. Unless you are feeling overwhelmed by school and such - then I might call it "burnout".
Either way though, (whatever you want to call it) is perfectly normal. You expect your family and loved ones to support you. And it is hard to take on someone else's problems when you feel like you are going under yourself. They shouldn't be putting that pressure on you.
If you are waking up and going to sleep happy, then I would say you are doing good on your own. It is normal to get overwhelmed and it is normal to want people to listen. That is one of mankind's greatest needs is to have someone listen and love them.
Hi
Thanks very much for your reply!
My family don't really address emotions but they're supportive in other areas - finances and security.
That's a positive. But I think I have to accept that if I'm going to continue living at home.
I think my anxiety is normal and I just had a bad day.
Yes, I agree. Sometimes just knowing that someone else will listen is enough.
Topazwriter, you seem to have a lot of common with a lot of people these days.
That is a good point about being happy in the morning and before bed - so you think you are basically a happy person.
That is good.
I don't feel that living at home is the entire equation.
There's, I think anyway, a saying...it's gonna sound bad, but utilize the challenge/enemy, against itself. In this case, the one within or that which your current circumstances have placed you.
So IF you are at home, and for a time NEED to be, even if there is financial support and a roof over your head - yes, those are things, deffinately, especially these days to be appreciative of!
But that doesn't mean that's the end of the story. Nothing is EVER the end of ANY story, no matter how much you may feel or something outside of yourself, makes you feel that it is.
You start saving...
Like myself, mine is with excersizing. I have a terrible back thingy. So I make myself get on a stepper, just 60 sec. No more, even if I want to.
The next day...I will allow myself 2 minutes....- NO MORE>
With savings, empowerment to feel and see/experience a different way of life, can start with a penny.
Find one, pick it up and start the jar there ((huggs))
You guys give very good advice! Thanks! Yeah, I just had a bad day, which are few and far between these days.
But yeah I am active (gym, dance and boxing classes). As far as jars go, I got one for coins and another for happy thoughts. That's something I started at the beginning of the year and it is full now. I just write a good thing that happened on a piece of paper and put it in. I did the happy thoughts jar thing instead of New Year Resolutions cause I know the jar will act like a reminder of good stuff.
And I think my story atm is familiar because I'm living that moment in every adult's life where they're about to leave the bird's nest. My current situation won't last forever. Personally, I have grown to love change (good ones that is, lol!)
A bit high today...Sunday...at work trying to get paperwork completed for budget deadline, but then again...I do go on vacation at the end of the week after Thursday's deadline so...it's all relative :-)
I was quite stressed earlier in the week, with a number of projects all coming due at the same time. But they all resolved nicely, and stress is reducing!
My stress level has been high since the end of December!
I found a way to get up from another blow I received and of course my parents started again making my life a living hell. They have this sixth sense about when I feel good or/and full of hope or/and when I set a date that is a new start and this is what they did to me on January 21 a day I was starting over again. That led me to the only choice I had left which is to give them an ultimatum: Accept money to take a vacation (AGAIN THIS IS WHAT THEY BOTH WANT SO THIS IS JUST NOT ME) so they can go relax to their best friend's house (also since my mom is in deaths door she could get medical help with a real doctor in a real hospital) and I can relax here by myself or I start the process to move out.
I for sure would still want to move out on my own even if they accept but if they do accept it would be a better situation for me. My brain would finally have had the vacation it needs and I could get more money aside.
Something happened again today with them and of course I was feeling peaceful today (i could of had the first normal day since we moved here in 2009....not shocked it did not happened...would of been shocked if it would of). I almost right there gave them my ultimatum but my mom lost it and decided to make two sorts of cup cakes (our oven [the 4 electric burners thankfully at least still works] stopped working a few months ago so she made the cake dough here and went 2 doors down to some family members to cook the cake there) so it was not the time. Oh and what they did today was give fire wood to a cousin (WHO BY THE WAY HAS A WOOD LOT....EVERY YEAR HE IS MISSING WOOD TO FINISH THE COLD SEASON) so the last days or weeks before the hot weather arrives we are the ones who will be cold because we do not have the money to use our electric heating system (except for the upstairs bathroom and hallway...i open it in the downstairs bathroom before my showers and close it a little after my night beauty routine...i dont care that they dont like it I WONT TAKE A SHOWER IN THE COLD). And also our first Winter we knew nothing about heating a house with a fire stove and we ended up missing wood because we haven't bought enough and an uncle had plenty of wood left and of course not even one tiny part of a wood log was given to us.
Before I post any other response I want to say it is WONDERFUL that you are posting in this thread. One of the first keys to stress release is to document and acknowledge your stress. Get it out into the open.
If you bottle up stress, it only makes it worse. It builds up inside you like a pressure cooker.
So find a way to examine your stress each day. This forum is great, or in a diary, or in a phone call with a friend - whatever you choose. The key is to make that a regular daily activity.
I think with all you've been through these past years that we accept your parents are unhealthy. Expecting them to act in a healthy manner would be like expecting a puppy to stop chewing. It's just not in their nature. They are the way they are. Being upset about it won't change them. Yelling or pleading or begging won't change them. They are the way they are.
You need to either get into a mindset that you let them be puppies, and it doesn't bother you, or you move out. I don't see any other option.
You can't negotiate with puppies. Even if they say they'll go on vacation, they'll just change their minds. It's what they do.
If you have money to send THEM on a vacation, send YOURSELF on a vacation. Do you have somewhere you can go? Then go there. You absolutely need to shore up your own strength, for your path ahead. It's time to release them to be puppies and to take care of your own health.
The thing is that I found places I could rent that are in the middle of nowhere that I could afford, some even have a satellite dish so I could be alone and see the Dallas Stars (thats for 100% if i do go on a vacation NO INTERNET and if i have a tv ONLY for my hockey team) but I cannot do that because their new idea (thats what they dropped on me on january 21...the day i had marked as a new beginning) is to burn down the house to collect the insurance money (in all it would be more than 500,000$). They were shocked that I thought that was an horrible idea and that I was not only completely against it but that I would tell on them imediately. And they also do not believe me when I say that even experts have an hard time getting away with setting something on fire on purpose. Oh and also they actually thought about the few personel items I have that are important for me so they would put them all in boxes and hide them in our metal shed and in our car and that too shocked them when I said that that would be a red flag for the firefighters and investigators and they also do not believe that it would be a red flag (my mom actually told me it would not be their business to go look into our sheds and car).
So I cannot go to a vacation (still...paying for their vacations is cheaper AND with me gone and them staying here they would not get a vacation because they would still be here in the middle of all the drama they hate being in the middle of) and I cannot relax in my own home because of the previous problems and their new plan.
They begged me to never talk about their idea and I did. I told my closest friends by email, I told our nice neighbor and now I am saying it on the internet. They know I talked about it so that is stopping them from doing it (NOW they know they will be caught) but still since they are so more crazy than they were before we moved here I cannot trust them.
I told them that yes we live in an awful town but at least we have a roof over our heads, that too they do not get (by the way...they want to do that because they hate it here but they want to move to Lac-au-Saumon --- THAT PLACE IS LESS THAN 30 MINUTES AWAY FROM HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
They are really crazy, I was always at least sure I would never become like them but now I'm not too sure, if I stay here while things do not change I may become like them. It started by me making my body lazy then they made my depression worst and made me a huge ball of stress and now I feel like my soul is actually dying; that is very sad and frightening.
Tomorrow I am doing a few small changes (email address is the main thing) then the next month I am starting my vitamins and calciums again and after I will walk at least once a day then I should have some energy back to do something, now I'm just going through the motions of what I need to do to get through the days (cheering for Canada in men's hockey was the remaining energy i had left) so I cannot face my parents now.
My parents are going to Rimouski tomorrow so I will have at least seven hours to myself since it's about six hours to go there and to come back home (i will probably be asleep when they leave since they are going at around 7:30 but at least i will have a few more hours and then wake up to a peaceful house) so that's like a tiny small little break.
OK I think we've firmly established that their brains are not functioning properly. Again, think of them as puppies. You are currently saving them from a long jail sentence. Absolutely the arson investigators would figure out immediately that they set the fire. Arson investigators are trained in all the ways that people set fires and have tens of thousands of photos in online libraries to compare against. There's no way your parents could possibly fool them.
Don't even try to argue with them. You've done the best thing possible - made sure they can't do it through publicity.
I know you like your plan of sending them on vacation but it relies on their cooperation to make it work. They've made it abundantly clear they will not cooperate. I don't think basing any plan on their cooperation is a good idea. I would make plans solely based on what YOU can do. You can't fix them or help them. They are on their own path. You need to focus on helping yourself.
You need a break. Your sanity requires it. Is there anywhere you can go even for one day to spend one precious day in peace?
The ultimatum I think is the best idea for me. If they do not accept I have to immediately start the process to move out and if they do then we all get a needed break and I have more time to properly get myself ready to move out and have more money. Also making decisions even small ones (example: what flavour of bubble gum to buy...i can look at the display sometimes for several minutes....so not hard to imagine how hard the big decisions are for me........spent years deciding to learn how to swim then finish high school then take half my savings for a long vacation then find a job then move out....my dad decided to retire just months after so i was completely floored and the selling of the house and buying a new house and moving was so fast i could not think clearly) so like that it is not up to me. I have talked about it to Gisele (my nice neigbor) and my internet friends via email and they all think it's the best idea for me (Gisele though is scared about the $ i would have left to eat before finding a job..it would be hard but it could be done...of course i would love to have more money but my sanity is more important than snacks before going to bed and pepsi).
I probably could go spend a night or two at Gisele and Toby's house, I don't see her saying no but I even just three houses down I would be scared that my parents would take that as an oportunity to set the house on fire to collect the money.
With an ultimatum you give them all the power over your life and your choice. They are the ones who get to choose. And even if they say they'll go, they can just change their minds again. There's no way to force them to do anything. It gives them all the power and makes you helpless.
I would not rely on ultimatums for anything in life. Your health is too important. *You* should choose what is best for you - and you can't force anybody else into playing roles in that. They won't do it. People are just that way. They resist being controlled. I just can't see your parents acting logically or rationally about an ultimatum.
For all we know, they want you out of the house so they can proceed with their bizarre plans. So you are giving them the perfect reason to say "Yeah, go ahead."
You should choose what *you* want. You should do what is best for you, and it can't depend on your parents doing or not doing something. They are uncontrollable.
I'm all in favor of drinking water rather than Pepsi even right now .
You can't guard the house forever. No matter when you leave, they could decide to burn it down. If you worry about that, you'll be stuck there forever. You've done all you can on that issue. Now either they'll listen or not. But remaining an eternal watchdog over the house just isn't a good option.
They love to control me too much so they will never throw my out of the house. They freaked out in their own way after I finally found a job years ago when I started talking about moving out (my dad was shocked and sadden and my mom was angry), they would have lost their punching bags.
I still see the ultimatum as the best choice. That could actually finally wake up them up. And if I do it and they say yes and do like the last time and don't go then I won't accept it (that will be part of my ultimatum) and start the moving out process.
I am about to change my email address, tonight I start putting body lotion on and tomorrow I am starting my vitamins and calciums, for thirty days I will do that then I will walk everyday (without the body lotion & vitamins & calciums). That will give me back some energy, I could even decide to do something else until then, who knows (when i take long walks that relaxes me...when i end up far away and especially when im somewhere where the only sounds is nature i can clear my mind completely...i have had a few good ideas some of these times...i could have an ephiphany [sp???] of some sorts..again who knows).
Today I have some energy back, I hate the email account I am with so I am excited to get rid of it plus the Dallas Stars are starting again tonight. The vitamins and calciums then the walks should energise me more.
My dad could of gotten on my nerves but I was able to immediately block him. Tonight I was having a normal conversation with my mom and then she got defensive and angry at something I said and she immediately followed this by a sentence trying to make me bad for her so I rolled my eyes and when she saw that she got up to go to bed.
When I have a not too bad day (woke up to an empty house because my parents had [well technically they did not had to they made that decision the night before] to go back to Rimouski and they came back when i was almost finished with my morning routine) I have almost no problem blocking my parents. The only problems for me today was the arthritis attack I got two nights ago (started when i was in my night beauty routine...its a new 1 for me...its where the fat of the thumb is on my left hand) is still there and I had no energy.
What helps me the most is music, I put my favorite music on and it usually calm me (the score of Batman Begins and anything from Rammstein works the best but theres more too). Walking too helps a lot (when i end up somewhere where the only sounds are from nature i can even clear my mind completely like when some people do while meditating...thats a rarity for me these past years...even when watching Hockey i have at least 1 moment where my mind goes somewhere else). Also repeating the name of Shumi over and over (Michael Schumacher...when i do that i repeat his full name) helps me very much not only when stressed but when angry too.
I live with the reason of my stress and depression so it is hard to get away from it all; when they do not stress me I am still face to face with them.
None of the stress came from my parents. The stress came when I was thinking about my situation and what to do about it, thankfully I did not think about it a lot so that added to my parents not bothering me at all helped for a low stress day.
My arthritis attack in my left thumb is almost gone now (the first 3 days and 2 days it was numbness mostly and today when i got up it was mostly pain [the pain was much better than the numbness] and tonight its almost all gone) but I still have low energy.
My dad got to me twice today (the first was when i was sleeping and woke up to him whistling and singing like a mad man). I also stressed myself by thinking about my situation. My mom did nothing to stress me.
My arthritis attack is almost 100% gone, I only had a few seconds of pain twice and that's about it (i can still sense that its not completely gone but besides the 2 times no pain and all the numbness is 100% gone still). I also have some energy back (not much but its better than nothing).
Nancy, have you thought about what your own role is in your family dynamics and stress behaviour and depression? Instead of being only reactive - what can you do to be proactive?
Someone very wise asked me these questions several years ago and I learnt a great deal about myself when I took over being a lot more responsible for myself and my own actions, reactions attitude and approach to life in general.
I still have to keep myself on a short rein as they say (reign as some of my friends laugh!)BUT I constantly remind myself to ask myself those questions ... and to continue to work on finding answers for them.
Yes what they did to me when I was a child is not my fault but after this it is.
My brother did not let them manipulate him. He had a social life, he finished school, he was able to find jobs, he had a girlfriend and when he became sick he still did what he wanted until he entered the hospital for the last time.
When my dad came back home saying he had left his job (me and mom were working for him too...thats a long story...cant remember if i talked about that here or not) I had close to 20,000$ but I decided to move here then stupidly until the last 1,000$ thought they could give me back my money everytime they were asking for some as a loan and then I just entered a lazy pattern.
Now I have no job, no savings, a small check every month and I have let them kill my brain.
When I realised that my sould was also dying I finally decided to do something. It is hard because the hole I dig for myself is very deep but I am trying. I am bringing my body back with vitamins and calciums (its actually working..every day i have more energy...i was on the ground...i barely could move i was so low on energy) and with some energy I will be able to do something.
I still thinking giving my parents an ultimatum is the best for now. I am thinking about my situation every day while I am getting my energy back.
Again I woke up once to my dad whistling and singing like a maniac. My mom too got to me, she was going off on some people criticising them for behaviors that she herself has had since I can remember (not once i saw her realise for not even 1 second the irony of what she is doing or realising that she is like that) one of these days I will call her on it when she will talk like that, I feel like exploding often when she does that.
My arthritis attack is completely gone. I also have more energy today.
I woke up to the sounds of my dad giving away a lot of our remaining fire wood (second time doing that) so I was furious before getting up. He spent some of the afternoon bringing wood in the basement, if that's all we got left (i have to go out tomorrow so ill look where we store our wood outside to see if we have more..from their behavior i think what we got inside is whats left) then before the month is over we will be freezing.
My mom went hiding before I got downstairs and none of them were able to look me in the face all day (i at least started saying whats on my mind and they know that giving away our fire wood [TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A WOOD LOT BY THE WAY] is something i do not approve [OH AND THAT SAME PERSON WAS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN WHEN WE WERE THE ONES A FEW WINTER AGO NEEDING FIRE WOOD] because i dont like to be freezing in my own home and i dont like to help people who do not help me).
They also closed the two living rooms doors and opened the heating electric system so I don't get to freeze today (yesterday was 1 of the coldest day this season and today was worst) so that means that when that bill comes less food for at least a few days.
I often ask myself how we always had a roof over our heads and how we did not die of hunger or cold during Winter with the way they administrate themselves (my mom CAN balance a budget by she wants to be my dads slave so she does like he does), it will always be a mystery I guess!
Low stress day for me. I am still angry at my parents for giving a lot of our remaining fire wood and I still feel like giving it to them but again it won't bring heat when we will be cold soon.
My dad got to me a lot this morning and a little bit in the car. My mom too got to me a few times during the day. I also almost gave myself an headache thinking about my situation.
My parents got to me but I was able to block them easily (it was harder with my mom...she has started again a few days ago pushing me and trying hard to not let go until i explode...so far she has not succeeded).
My mom got to me a few times, she was easier to block today. My dad got to me a few times also, one time I had a heard time to block him and the other times it was easy.
I had a little more stress today and it all came from my mom. She did her best to annoy me by singing and she also tried tonight to make me feel bad by saying something, there was also a hint in her sentence trying to push for their idea to set the house on fire to collect the money and to move to another town (that was ignored completely and that made her angry.....the other thing i had to work hard at ignoring).
Something horrifying happened during my Hockey game tonight!
Rich Peverley who is one of my team's player ended up in the hospital. He collapse with less than seven minutes played in the first period after coming back from a shift. I could hear the commotion and when they showed us the benches I knew just a few seconds later that something very serious was going on. Not too long after all we could see was two men transporting someone down the corridor, we could not even see if it was a player or not. I immediately thought of Shumi who is still in the coma and I was near a panic attack because I could not see Benny (Jamie Benn) anywhere, when they finally showed him I was seriously almost starting a panic attack. Then I felt bad feeling relieved it was not Benny in trouble. It was a scary mess.
Thankfully I was on my team's channel so that was all handled with respect and without rumors. They also of course postponed the game, we soon learned that he was okay but Hockey is a dangerous sport so playing that game when none of the players have their minds in the game is dangerous.
Apparently Richy asked to turn the ambulance around because he wanted to finish the game, Hockey players, you got to love and admire them even when not watching that sport!
Also thankfully Ralfie (Rafael Nadal) had not finished his match (did not see the beginning since he started after the Stars had started) so I was able to calm myself watching him.
Most of the stress I had today was brought on me by myself. I spent most of the time thinking about my situation and what to do, I have two ideas for the near future and I keep on going back and forth from both of them, when I am set on one I feel 100% sure about it then I start thinking about the other idea and how it too is a good one and I again start overthinking it all.
As for my parents they did nothing to bother me today, it was quite strange, either they were careful because of what happened to Richy yesterday or they did something bad or they will soon do something bad. A few years ago it was possible for them to do something good for me without any motives but now it is impossible for them.
They say, "Women are of the 'weaker' sex." I'm not seeing that so much.
It seems though men build physically, women are what keeps the mortar and stone of everything in-between in order and together, regardless what they may be going through.
Me personally? I can choose to speak or not to. However, it's the difference between what's real vs. that which isn't.
I finally have an OFFICE! Thank YOU LISA
If it wasn't for one of your "lengthy" newsletters, which by any means in my opinion was not expensed by any of what was offered.
Cane in hand, I cleaned a room up and I now have an office! Not only that but a place of focus and inspiration all due (in it's entirety) your Newsletter.
Made a decision on one of the two things I had to make a decision on, I was stressed before but when I finally made that decision I felt good about it and now I feel relieved.
My mom tried to get to me tonight, she almost was able to but instead of letting her get the best of me I did not. It's like a game she plays where she does what she knows is stressing me out and her objective is to push me until I blow up. She is still very angry with me doing things on my own and not letting her stressing me out. I am still living here with what appears no happiness in front of me but I do things that I used to never do and that enrages her (like when she was mad at me for daring to tell the truth to a neighbor of ours and she was not talking to me...i continued doing my things and i even changed the curtains of my two bedroom windows......that made her so angry seeing me do it all by myself that i thought she would actually hit me that afternoon....even small things like that when i do it all by myself without asking for help that has always angered her).
Both my parents stressed me today. I was able to block them but it was hard. My mom won't let go of trying to drive me insane, I have no idea how I do not explode on her when she does that. With my dad it looks like he completely lost it but with my mom she looks in control and knows what she is doing.
I saw a movie I loved which I hadn't seen in many years, that calmed me but then I started thinking about the characters and how it was based on a real story then I started feeling bad and angry about me and wasting years of my life here so after a few hours of stressing me like that and by thinking of what to do and how to get out I have an headache in addition.
Finally, a low-stress day! Dan is spending the weekend in another state. so I get to just relax and do whatever I want. I felt so inspired that I wrote three new articles for frugal living. Ahhhh.
Today I had a wonderful stress free day. I played with my grandson and crocheted most of the day. I am working on my sons birthday present. So I had a very enjoyable day!
My parents again stressed me today. Again the same way, my dad not even knowing he is doing it and my mom doing it on purpose. It is not to the point it was last year when I thought I was going to completely lose my mind but it is getting there slowly.
I think the reason my mom is doing it on purpose is to show me that she won again (not going on the vacation that i would of paid for), if I am right she will get a big surprise soon. It's her attitude that has changed, the way she does it too has changed. It is more cruel, the face she has when she keeps on pushing too has cruelty and something else behind.
My dad still has the I don't care attitude he has always had and the thinking that he will always have a slave in the palm of his hand but he looks to be going deeper into madness.
This Winter I thought I was going to become like that or become crazy. The ultimatum idea has opened a little bit the door that seemed closed.
I am still working on getting some energy back, it is coming back slowly but surely. At least I feel less down than I was feeling not too long ago when I was feeling my sould dying.
My parents still tried but they were more tolerable today.
I am still thinking a lot about my situation and options. I am very happy about the decision I made not too long ago, I have to wait though (not too long...the end of the month...it will lead to another decision but the other i made is leading to an important day) and I have to stop myself from doing what I decided to do in advance. The date I picked is perfect so I have to be patient.
I did not spent lots of time in bed and that time was spent mostly awake. Then I got up with heartburn and finally when it was time for my breakfast both my parents were working together at driving me insane. Instead of causing a scene (tried to shut them up by rolling my eyes...sighing...making noises...nothing worked) so I let them win after a very short breakfast and got out of there (it would of been short anyway because of feeling sick but at least i would of taken my time).
I cannot wait to put these monsters in their place! They really think they have won so that would make it sweeter!
Mine's not bad, not bad at all actually. My husband FINALLY sees his parents for what they are. One more so than the other. That HAS to be tough!
You may share a common wedge, but I'm not pressing here, just perhaps. There ARE parents that actually use their children which can amount to an enormous amount of stress.
I found or it found me an article/blog, but I was worried about CA - the earthquake when this surfaced. It may help
Though it may initially in LARGE letters say DIVORCE, I encourage anyone w/relationship issues from dating to parental issues to ask yourself; your Soul if in fact any of this is happening to your current status.
I would never ever let someone (friend or boyfriend) meet my parents.
I am alone so I am the only one that suffers but I would never do that (meet my parents) to anyone I love. They are cruel evil monsters and they are like a parasite, when they attach themselves to you you are immediately affected.
I cannot understand how you can be so cruel especially to your own children!
Since last night it's one thing after another for me (bad luck) but for the first time in a long time I did not let it get to me, a few times I was going to freak out or depress myself even more than I am but I did not let all that get to me!
My parents were less annoying today. My mom had a moment tonight where she tried very hard but I kept on talking over her until she stopped. As for my dad he had a moment tonight where he was losing it but he mostly was concerned with something that had happened today when they were both out running errands.
Most of my stress is about Rafael Nadal and if I will be able to see him on television, I was happy to learn Sunday that his first match would be Saturday night since the Dallas Stars are playing in the afternoon but a few hours ago I learned that Milos Raonic is scheduled to play at 17:00 so if his match is about to start at 20:00 they will pick him over Ralfie or they could just decide to show a replay of his match because they won't show Tennis at that time. That kind of stress is hard for me since my favorite athletes are basically keeping me alive but since I will be able to see him on the internet anyway I will take that stress over my parents! That would still ruin my night or at least make it less fun, I was waiting for Saturday since Sunday night .
My parents stressed me (dad more than mom) and I also had other stress (my situation + where would my hockey game be [2 channels 1 was going to be blocked where i live...i actually made the correct choice] + where would i be able to watch my tennis match [internet..these idiots on tv started by saying "live from" so i was happy then when they told the 2 matches it was not live]).
I am also very tired since I was awake for most of the night when I was in bed, I also had a big scare waking up after a few minutes of sleep after trying for a few hours to fall asleep (i heard a bang when i was half asleep then my mom whining so i immediately thought she had fallen and hurt herself [she almost did last night] so i put on my robe and when i was close to the stairs i saw a picture frame on the floor so i thought she had fallen down the stairs...after screaming for her she talked to me...she was still in bed).
My stress was about the same as yesterday and it was almost 100% because of my parents, what was not caused by my parents was caused by me thinking about my situation.
I was looking for the post about the cold and the logs, not even one relative would offer in the midst of such a harsh winter.
My words for you are specific and for validation At least here you can vent and we've a supportive atmosphere. So, though it's difficult, try not to visualize being alone, though that as well, I empathize.
Have you ever seen the Twilight Zone episode where the Mother, Father, nieces, nephews, etc. go to the ailing grandfather's home awaiting his death. He requested each of them wear a mask and at midnight they could remove them?
(Season 5 - Episode 25)
You might find some relief watching it some evening.
My husband and I recently had a similar discussion about HIS parents. He said, "I'm done." As a result both parents lost out on one of the most beautiful Souls on this planet.
Both take and take and take. He finally told his mother - that's it. These checks are temporary. They extort money from him and well, he's in school full-time, working 12-13 hr. shifts and they both know HE needs to get to a Dr. for reasons they're fully aware.
In one of your posts I remember something like, "How can ESPECIALLY PARENT'S treat a child this way."
The answer unfortunately is: SELFISHNESS, indulgence and pretty much self-absorbed greed, emotionally, mentally and physically. All of which we as beings are in great need of balancing.
My thoughts here are as HE'S FINALLY come to realize: Co-dependence. The longer he stays near his family, the sicker he feels, the more STRESS he has and believe you me, trying to "PLEASE the UN-PLEASABLE" is something that can put you in a straight jacket to say the least.
Let them go...no more threats of moving out. No more hope of their going somewhere finding peace, etc. the peace you gain will be swiftly taken from you upon their return.
His parent's favorite tool of aggravation? GUILT, TANTRUMS & MORE GUILT. The longer you stay, the more amo. you gift them.
Try to get that plan going, moving out. Heck there's a room here if you need one. We're half-way out altogether. Though the "P's" don't live w/us...they STILL make life just as miserable as they can, especially when we're on top of the world.
In fact, there's a room that overlooks a lake, a transit bus for work and plenty of options from there. Sometimes you just need a "room - with a 'different kind' of a view."
You are right, at least I have a place to vent. It truely helps me and I know that here I have people who care about me and listen.
I barely have more than 500$ a month so it does not give me a lot of room to move out on my own. I have to at least put 100$ aside for food, there are appartments that have electricity included for that low amount of money but they are so rare that they go very fast.
I do have a little amount set aside, that could be used to at least have the internet until I find a job or help me with food. I don't want to use that money to get an appartment that cost more that I can now afford in case I do not find a job before that money is gone.
I would stay in the streets before coming back to my parents. And when I am gone they will never see me again.
It's a miracle I am not completely crazy for having them as parents.
I have never seen that Twilight Zone episode. I think I have seen at least one episode, or I may think of another show that was like that one.
Your husband must be so relieved to finally be free of his parents. It must of been hard eventhough his parents were so awful to him but so good at the same time.
Ralfie's match will soon start so I better go (if he finishes before 20:30 ill be able to see the match entirely...at that time i have an hockey game...nothing except Shumi come before my hockey).
Anytime! And you know...if it comes time, I understand apts. for $500 are out there and go swiftly.
However, there are places, in which people who care, reside. And, for a fraction of what an apt. costs, often offer room and board simply for the company and/or literally, just making someone's meal.
At $500/mnth. at least here, you'd qualify for pretty much everything, including food, meds, Dr.'s visits.
Don't EVER believe something's impossible - those are the cells (walls) that can keep any person living behind, indefinitely!
We create via mentality! That's what a writer does! The words then fall into the laps of others, which inspire or they can relate to, even offer hopes of not feeling alone and/or "crazy" for feeling what they do.
That "alternate reality" then, can offer the mind with a set of limitations, with actions; like a train, leading into motions that benefit one's Soul and enhance one's livelihood.
We're only "face-down" when we feel and/or believe the illusion the - "No way out..." and yes, it was VERY difficult, not to mention painful for him. But NOW, he's much more confident and guilt-free (yay for him)!
I did look at the rooms instead of appartments last year but here (the entire province not just my region) simple rooms are often more costly than an appartment. If I am to just have a room and have to share everything else with strangers I would do it (would be hard since im very shy....would still be better than my situation) but not at more of the cost of an appartment (this is 1 of the several examples of how stupid is my province).
It sounds like you are living in a very nice region!
There were an apparment for 315$ (or 325$...less than 350$ for sure) in Causapscal (the nearest town) but the electricity was not included so I could not take it. Having to wait until I get an electric bill scares me, I don't think I could do it unless very rich.
Ralfie won easily in two quick sets, now I am waiting for my Dallas Stars!
You love Hockey too? That is cool, who is your team?
My parents almost did not stress me and I barely stressed myself.
It was also a good day. In addition of Ralfie and the Stars winning I got a lightbulb moment about something that I had been wondering for months (what was cool about it is that it came to me without even thinking about it).
We ourselves, got ours the other night and rid the household of every single one of them
Meaning the "curly-cube" guys. Absence of migrains (other night translates to maybe a couple weeks or so) disposed of properly. There's an actual HAZMAT-TEAM that needs to be called should one break as well as well - unbelievable, but even companies are required to have them.
My feeling is they aid in transmission of some sort. Like metal within a liquid fluency.
We moved into the house, house a mess and cleaning it up along the way and found these here and there.
I know there's Mercury in these things and considering public awareness...let's just say, it will be likely for much of the populous to toss 'em rather than get in a car and drive them to a facility.
Er-go, well, if you need a hazmat team to clean just one...what happens when you've thousands toppled in a land-mind somewhere?
Answer: Easy, you'll be fined and or fired in one way or another.
Simply look into what exactly these little compressed thingies actually have IN THEM????
It's doing something about it rather than sitting on it that helps, me anyway. That and quiet time to center so there are avenues seen for one's self to take.
Having said that:
Nancy, what I meant by "rooms" was that room and board are free and/or maybe $100-$200/mnth and a person does light housework or just keeps a person company that may not have the ability to move around and perhaps make meals.
Hockey? Out here mine are out of Peoria, locally but I like the "Red Wings" as well, pretty much anything hockey. I think Black-Hawks are in there too, lol. It's been a long time but I'd rather see that than golf!!!!
I'm glad your stress-level is low. You know, no one has it down just right. And the truth - the reality of it all is that much of stress is actually hidden, unexposed in order to appear "normal" whatever that is.
But again, you can vent, relax, and envision a possible and different future for well...the future if we let it in, make sense?
I have never seen any rooms like you described available in my province. I have spent many hours last years for a few weeks searching everywhere on the internet and not once that was an option.
The Red Wings? I hate that team! Them and Boston are the worst! Right now the Blackhawks are getting on my nerves as well but when they do not get the Stanley Cup this season everything will get back to normal with them (bandwagon fans gone media talking like they are the best team ever referees in their pockets) so they won't be annoying anymore, they did act like they were the kings of Hockey at the start of the season (looked like a bunch of Federer...thinking they are god) but tonight they seemed to have calmed down since the last time I've seen them.
I saw the first trailer of Hercules this afternoon and the music is giving me so much energy, listened to it for at least one hour before a show that was right before my Stars game and after my last show I came back in front of my computer and started listening to the trailer over and over in another window. Things like that calms me, it also helps me get into my fantasy world and that calms me too. Yesterday the same happened but with the X-Men: Days of Future Past but that was mostly due to Fassy!
More stress today and almost all of it was caused by my parents.
They were both working hard on trying to make me lose it especially my mom who when I was doing what I normally do to stop her looked at me angry and kept on going trying to win.
The other thing that stressed me was our car. It has been doing a strange sound but today it was hard to start and when it did it was having a low sound and when we were doing our small errands not too far it was making more sound than it used to. I was scared that it would stop and not start again or worst blow up or something.
I had a few other lightbulb moments tonight and these ideas that suddendly came into my head actually close the gaps I needed to close on some things. So that was cool.
I am very tired today, I should be in bed by now but tomorrow will be the last day in a while that I can get up when I want to so I figured that I would stay up longer (finally stopped listening to the Hercules trailer before 1:30 to do the last dishes......havent put it on yet in case im still here in a few hours...lol).
I took my last 0,5 ativan last night at 2:58 after my night routine and then went straight to bed. It took me a while (maybe 1 hour) to fall asleep, I do remember waking up twice for a while each times but I slept more than I did sleep the previous nights. I was so relaxed when I woke up that I stayed in bed daydreaming with my eyes closed for maybe one hour before getting up.
As for my parents they were annoying but compared to previous days they seemed calm. My mom was the most annoying this morning, it was like she knew that I had gotten up relaxed and she had to ruin that. My dad was the most annoying tonight, he did not gave the impression to do that on purpose (he rarely does....my mom its obvious she does it on purpose but with my dad its like he has lost his mind and gone completely insane or is about to lose it).
Both my parents had annoying moments but I was able to block them (they each had 1 moment where it was hard).
I again had lightbulbs moments today. And also I was able to find a way out of a problem that came up, instead of freaking out or/and giving up I stayed calm and after thinking about it I found a solution.
My stress today was about like the level as yesterday.
I will start walking again tomorrow, I am sure this will help lower my stress or at the very least calm me during the walks and clear my brain (and give it fresh air!!!).
First my dad was driving me insane when I was doing the first part of my morning routine. Then I got banned from my email account (got it on february 27!!!!!!!! all they told me was that my account was suspended) at first I was angry then I started to freak out a little while I was trying to find a cheap stupid place to finish the time I had set for that email address then when that new one did the same to me right after welcoming me I had a panic attack (first saying what will i do without an email address then i said that i would get rid of the internet then i started insulting myself then hitting myself then saying that i wanted to be dead...it sound stupid over an email account BUT i was waiting for march 29 for over a month [for a few reasons...turns out it did not happened....my fault though and its not the end of the world] AND i had set that day for a new beginning.....november 9 2009 THE LAST NORMAL DAY OF MY LIFE......its like my city is the entrance of hell and my house is right on it!!!!!). And then my mom was driving me insane when I was trying to eat after calming myself and getting a new email address (had to go with the 1 my internet provider gave me....i hate it.....they put my moms name instead of mine and she does not want to call to make it ok).
Thankfully my Dallas Stars calmed me plus they won and the team that has the final playoffs spot lost so they are just one point behind!
Another high stress day and it was all caused by my parents.
My dad was like a psychopath tonight. He went full speed when my mom told him tonight about the misery of a few of our family members (that kind of things always makes him happy). I almost hit myself when I was trying to block him. I have this thing where I hit my nails on my desk and it did not worked so I started hitting my hands and then fists and I was also talking loudly with music playing and I could still hear him being insane in the kitchen.
And my mom is now giving me these angry looks (she started doing this a few weeks ago when i stop her) at random during the day even when she is not acting like a lunatic. I almost screamed at her to shut up a few times, at one point I was screaming it in my head and I was sure that I had did it for real.
There were a few times when my parents got to me, normally when they are like that I can ignore them but because of the previous two days they got to me and it took me a while to block them.
Think of them like puppies. They do things to get attention. It's not that they want to bug you. That's not what they're thinking. They want attention and bugging you is how they get it. In their mind it's all about "them". It's about what they want.
If your puppy wants attention, and when he barks you go pay attention to him, he'll keep barking. That's how he gets attention.
If you react, you are encouraging your parents to keep it up, because you're giving them what they want. You're giving them their reaction. You're training them to keep up their behavior.
Even eye rolling is a reaction. It gives them satisfaction that they got a reaction.
Just walk away. Don't give them any reaction at all. If they are intruding on your space, close the door. If you're somewhere you can't close the door, get headphones and put them on. Block them out with no reaction. The more you train them, the more they will react differently.
But if you keep training them that you'll react to their bugging, the more they're trained to bug you . You are rewarding them for their behavior and they'll keep it up.
My parents annoyed me but they did not pushed me over the edge, I was far from the edge. I mostly rolled my eyes or sighed when they were acting up, some points had me frustrated but that was it. They were quite tame by their standards so this is very scary because when they do that their either come back acting like two lunatics all day long or they do something cruel to me.
Tomorrow they both go to Rimouski with an aunt so I will have a few hours of peace an quiet. They will go at around 10:00 which is about the same time I'll get up so if they are not gone by the time I am up they will be close to leaving.
Almost nothing from my parents today, they annoyed me for just a few seconds, that was it. If it weren't for those few seconds and the few seconds I almost let something that was making me angry (there too i calmed myself pretty fast and i did not let it get to insulting myself like it now happens when i am very angry) get to me I would of had no stress today.
I got up after my parents had left and when I came back from a walk they were still not back, that quiet in the house was so awesome.
First because my dad annoyed me a lot and my mom a little bit (at least it was just annoyance not stress) and also I thought a lot about my situation so that did not help since this always makes me sad, stressed and angry.
My mom just annoyed me a few times. My dad was annoying at times and at other times he was more than annoying. I also stressed myself less today. And my walk was longer and that too helped.
A few weeks ago we had to start using less wood all thanks to him and giving lots of it away on two occasions and of course this year Winter is longer and colder so if this does not stop in a few days we will be cold. Today he took the wood planks that are used to hold our logs in the basement and he cut it all in pieces so we could use that, last month he did the same thing to the long logs that are used outside for the logs there. I won't be surprised if he takes some of our furniture and cuts it in pieces to burn. The worst is that I think this year we won't get free (well free yes $ wise BUT my dad cuts it with them and he also cut theirs so he has to work for our wood and theirs too) wood and of course there is no way they will have the money to buy wood so looks like there's a big chance that next Winter will be very cold (if thats the case then no way i die of cold for these idiots....i will close the doors of the living rooms and use the electric heaters here....screw them......i could buy the wood but no way ill do that since he will give some away again), I hope it's just me being a pessimist and that we get that wood for next Winter!
My mom was calm today, I think it's because I said what was on my mind the last time my dad gave away some of our wood, she was being careful around me.
I still have bad luck but it's way less than the previous two days and my parents were less annoying today. Technically the majority of my stress is me trying to make a decision on something (not a big thing but it still has to be done).
My parents were both annoying but I was able to stop them most of the times from getting on my nerves.
Today was the second best day I had since living here (the best was the day i learned Shumi was coming back to F1), it just had that nice feeling and sure enough tonight the Dallas Stars made the playoffs (the last 5 seasons they did not)!
Also the second Kitchen Nightmares I was able to see on FOX (almost 100% of the times when im on an American channel a Canadian channel takes over), I should of bought a lottery ticket when I went walking this afternoon, haha.
Finally being able to watch NHL playoffs game will be awesome, I feel so good thanks to that!
It was a little higher today. It was harder to block my parents. My dad was acting like a lunatic and my mom has started again with looking at me angry when I stop her.
It was much higher today all thanks to my parents. I woke up early morning to them going crazy downstairs and they spent most of the day driving me crazy.
Forgot to come here yesterday (after my hockey game was over all the lost sleep came back and all i wanted was to hurry up my night routine to maybe have 1 hour in bed)!
MINE? it's up there. But it has to do with my 'husband's parents using him.
Tonight if anyone reads this...
He had 3 hrs. of sleep and well, he's working 12.5 hr. overtime in which he's greatful. He's also got to drive to Chicago and he's sick. So I'm psd!
If anyone has ever experienced "ear - infections" they know how they feel.
Anywho, he's going to try to please everyone after 24 hr non sleeping to pay for both my medical issues and his mother's affair with a minister with the wife unaware...ya...stress is up there!
And I thought I had it tough with almost no time in bed and barely sleeping a few minutes these times just to get my Tennis live! I don't know how people like your husband do it with doing hard work with barely any sleep, I'm like a zombie when I have not a lot of sleep and I barely can walk and think. I fully wake up when I watch sports then go back to a zombie state until I'm laying down and finally sleeping.
Going to go now, if I don't force myself to gte up before 14:00 tomorrow then soon I'll be back like this week with barely no sleep when Ralfie will be playing in Barcelona (the worst is not really not having much time in bed its when you dont sleep that little time...anyway thats what is worst with me...if i would be in bed normal hours i could actually sleep when i get up early).
First when I woke up (for the last time...woke up a few times when in bed and did not sleep much) I just knew it would be a day like day.
All I have basically that is keeping me alive are the Dallas Stars. They have made the playoffs after five years of not making it and I cannot even fully enjoy it and no it has nothing to do with them being down 1-2. In the second period of the first game the next few days on TSN were announced and this is when it all started. They put a game two hours and thirty minutes before the second and third match. For the second match the game before was over but still the stress of this was there since this stupid decision was announced and for the third game tonight the game before was not over so I spent close to an half hour trying to find my game on the internet and this gave me a panic attack where I hit myself (in the head & in the righ thigh) then the game before ended right before mine but they went to an overtime so I caught the start on television and before I had to go back to the computer I saw that on the internet there was a delay so I went there with the delay and when a team scored they replayed that goal over and over and I missed at least a minute until these idiots went to Dallas (it was still in commercials on the internet). It took Benny scoring the first goal to calm me. I almost had another panic attack the seconds I missed (sure nothing like a goal or fight happened then but still THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
I don't get it! Why can't I have at least this? I am not a monster. I am not a criminal. Why can't I have at least one thing that gives me joy and have it without any trouble? Is wanting to see every seconds of every games of an Hockey team too much to ask? Should I just become a criminal or a racist to have that (they seem to have wonderful carefree life or at least they get respect!!!!!!)? I really do not get it!
I have said many times the last two years that I do not know why I exist at all and also said many times that I wanted to be dead but seriously today it was the first time I really meant it. If it weren't for the Stars I would of been dead or close to it not too long after Shumi's horrible accident and I cannot even enjoy them anymore (i really did calmed down after the first goal and got into the game and was happy but still it was not like it would of been without all that drama)!
And to top it off lately not only I am having insomnia (had 1 good night of sleep last month...thats it) I am having these terrible nightmares that are leaving me terrified, in one I was even marked and then had an old lady coming right for me.
My parents are having a good time since they see me doing worst and worst, they are really enjoying every seconds of it and they were probably smilling from ear to ear when they were hearing me scream my lungs out downtairs.
I have an hangover from all that stress and anger. Also my parents were very annoying, I had the bad luck to have my breakfast when they were having their diner and I had to go eat in the living room because otherwise I would of explode on them, I let them know (without any words but it was obvious and they understood) but of course their lives have been since about one year aftre moving to destroy me so they did not care, I probably let them win when I went eating in the living room but I think this was better than to become violent.
My parents were driving me crazy almost all day and I am still trying to get over Monday plus I have low energy and still suffer from insomnia.
I took a small nap this afternoon and when I started it my parents were gone but when they came back my dad was acting like a lunatic so I had to get up. My mom this morning was a complete witch so I decided to ignore her until she changed her attitude.
My parents were annoying and I had more stress from other sources but I am so tired that it did not affect me. The insomnia started so long ago that now I am barely functional, if it continues like that I think I will have to go buy sleep pills (never done that since when i have insomnia it never is that long). I have taken a few naps but only because I have Hockey games, tomorrow I'll try to take my walk (i have almost did not walked a few days because of me being tired but did not gave up on that..started walking on march 29 and so far theres been 1 per day) before my Tennis match so that my nap tomorrow is bigger (Dallas are in Anaheim so its a 22:30 start).
Higher stress for me. My parents got to me today. I am still suffering from insomnia, Ralfie lost in Barcelona so I can get up when I want to tomorrow, hopefully a longer time in bed will help me sleep (the previous weeks that has not help at all).
Tonight I reached the limit. I just cannot take it anymore. Unless something extraordinary happens to me and soon I will have to do something extreme.
Every seconds of every games of the Dallas Stars, that is all I want in life, all that is keeping me alive and when they entered the playoffs after not making it for five seasons it was taken away from me. The tiny amount of life, hope, dreams and energy left in me just disappeared tonight before their last game of the season started.
If my parents do not wake up and make what they did to me since I have been born right or if I cannot get out and move as far away from them without any more contact from them both I will have to end my life.
I just cannot take it anymore.
I only exist to suffer and to be a punching bag for my parents, this is no way to live, I could take it when I had the joy of seeing the Dallas Stars but that was taken away from me, I am sure that every of their 82 games I will have that dark cloud over my head every game day thinking that if they make the playoffs, if I can see all of their regular games, it will be the same as this season, no joy and only stress because of not being able to see them or being able to see them but having that scare before.
Being able to see every seconds of every games of the Dallas Stars; apparently it is either too much to ask or I do not deserve it.
Tonight I reached the limit. I just cannot take it anymore. Unless something extraordinary happens to me and soon I will have to do something extreme.
Every seconds of every games of the Dallas Stars, that is all I want in life, all that is keeping me alive and when they entered the playoffs after not making it for five seasons it was taken away from me. The tiny amount of life, hope, dreams and energy left in me just disappeared tonight before their last game of the season started.
If my parents do not wake up and make what they did to me since I have been born right or if I cannot get out and move as far away from them without any more contact from them both I will have to end my life.
I just cannot take it anymore.
I only exist to suffer and to be a punching bag for my parents, this is no way to live, I could take it when I had the joy of seeing the Dallas Stars but that was taken away from me, I am sure that every of their 82 games I will have that dark cloud over my head every game day thinking that if they make the playoffs, if I can see all of their regular games, it will be the same as this season, no joy and only stress because of not being able to see them or being able to see them but having that scare before.
Being able to see every seconds of every games of the Dallas Stars; apparently it is either too much to ask or I do not deserve it.
I'll start with an apology for the double post, this was not like that last night (i did have lots of problem here though...that figured since that post was very personal and hard to write)!
Today was just like I thought it would be, my parents completely ignoring my meltdown last night (they both heard me say that i would soon kill myself....i even said aloud the best way to do it for me [eat nuts and just to make sure add poison on them] them ignoring it is nothing surprising....thats what they do ignore so it never happens + they just do not care) if it would not have anything to do with the Dallas Stars they would of been extremely happy today and rubbing it in my face but with that subject and a few others they never do that because they know it is close to my heart and that this is where they cannot mess with me.
As for me I have zero energy and since yesterday I am basically a zombie.
My parents were a little bit more annoying, they still are careful (the reason is still that they are scared that i may scream at them or do something else like that NOT because they care) but it's easy to see that they are loving seeing me basically a zombie.
Higher stress level today. This morning before my breakfast something happened and I ended up freaking out over it, I was screaming and saying that I wanted to be dead then I asked why I was alive. The rest of the day was better but still had some stress.
My dad bought me a lobster today (decided to eat it tomorrow) he must of felt guilty for the few seconds he decided to do that, even my mom was shocked.
As for my mom tonight we were having fun and she then decided to ruin it by doing something she knows is driving me crazy so I immediately shut down and ignored her the rest of the day, she felt bad but not enough to apologize, at least she did not start again like she does normally.
I was prescribed ten 0,5 ativans more than one year ago, I took the last this Winter. I got another prescription for the same thing but I haven't went to the drugstore to get them.
The way I see this kind of medication is that you need it when you are no longer functional, it may not show here with my comments (especially since i said that i wanted to die for real and that since then i feel like a zombie) but I still am. I am always stressed but I still can function normally.
If I remain with these monsters though I may need to take medication, I don't want to (my parents would LOVE that...my mom has often said that she loved me when i was taken some [2 different pills in 2 different occassions...not for a long time each times] of course she loved it since i was not functional at all with these pills...i could not even brush my teeth during that time).
If I had not started walking again on March 29 and force myself to walk every day since then I may of lost it completely (spent many months inside the house...only went outside for errands and appointments), that fresh air is calming and during that time I am not inside a house with two monsters.
I have a hard time facing all that stress. I live in their house so I am always faced with them. I can always go take walks but I have to come back and they are there. I have not found a job so that's another thing that stresses me.
I ended up with a great idea to pay for their vacation (had that idea when i was hearing my mom complain she and dad would love to get away...they are in the middle of family drama...im out of this...only my parents are killing me here) it'll only be them going back to where we lived to their best fried who still lives in front of our old house so they only need gas money. Like that they would of had a vacation and I would too (i desperately need at least 1 full day to myself...my soul is dead...i need to somehow regenerate myself so i can do something about my life but with them constantly in my face driving me insane i cannot do that...im always either trying to calm myself or i am having a freak out session [hitting myself or/and screaming or/and saying i want to die or/and insulting myself] or i have a panic attack) but it was like I had tried to murder them or something! They then thought about it then said okay we'll go then on an important day for me they told me (via a letter since these monsters cannot face anyone) that they would not go.
Now my idea (unless a miracle happens in the meantime where they wake up or i end up with money so i can get out of here) is to give them an ultimatum, go on the paid vacation or I move out. I can only afford an appartment or 430$ or less (electricity has to be included), that would leave me only 100$ for food but that's doable and it would be better than to live with these evil monsters!
My insomnia is not going away (i thought so a few days ago when i had a few days where i slept ok) and because of that I find it more difficult with every passing day to function. And of course my parents are still driving me over the edge. I even had an awful walk today (dont even want to talk about it).
Technically I have one, she changed a lot the past years so calling her a friend is basically just an habit. She came to visit a few minutes for a surprise (she went with her parents and friends in New Brunswick which is right next to my town and she thought of me while driving out of there and asked her dad and he said that they had to drive past here) then nothing except for like two emails for more than a year then she called me a few times during the week of my birthday then nothing except for like one email for more than two years then she sent me an email during a vacation, that time it was nice because she was thinking of me when I was having a very hard time (Michael Schumacher accident....that man is my god) but now it's like I am over her, if one day I want to talk to her I will call her.
I do have some on the internet but I never met them, they are actually nicer than Brigitte which is sad since they never met me and she and I were the closest of friends for many years.
Stress wise my day was better. Today the worst was my insomnia, when it was mixed with my parents driving me nuts (i tried sleeping a little in my tv chair after my match this morning and my dad mostly was stopping me from doing that from the kitchen...i still was able to get a few minutes sleep) it was far from fun. I had a huge headache after getting to bed last night, an headache was starting a few hours ago so I took aspirins, it seems to get bigger as the minutes are passing by, it has not been four hours since the aspirins were taken so I cannot take more, hopefully it won't get as awful as it was last night.
It's gone thankfully. It was still there when I took my shower, it even looked like it was going to be worst than last night but when I got to bed it was all gone. I am still headache free now.
I was also able to sleep more than one hour without interruption and that was awesome, I still did not sleep half the time I was in bed but at least I finally had more than one hour of sleep and without interruption!
I was out of it today, but am recovering. The last two days I was completely out of it...too much traveling all at once and I start getting overstimulated and shut down.
Nancy, so sorry to hear it. I sincerely hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. For me, today was good in that I spent it doing things I wanted with people I wanted to be with, and yet there's a source of stress in that time just seems to be racing on by! I have felt this way for the past 6 or 7 years -- like it's going too fast and I need to use it better.
Thank you, Nancy! So far it's been a good day because I exercised (in 32C heat again!), and got caught up on some decluttering and housework type stuff that needed it. But I wanted to get some writing done today on my Bellaonline sites, and now I know that's not going to happen. So I do have some guilt about not using my time more effectively -- as silly as it is to feel guilt. I mean, what good does feeling guilty do, right? But I know what you mean about time flying by. I was floored to realize that today is the last day of May, and we're almost halfway through the year!
I hope you have a good day today and this weekend overall -- maybe by making time for something you really like to do? One of my favorite weekend things is to see a movie, but unfortunately nothing good is opening this weekend.
Guilt is good when you have done something bad which is not the case with you today.
Right now I am focused on Tennis (Rafael Nadal to be exact). I had zero second of sleep last night but that's my fault because when he had his day off after his Second Round I was in bed too long. I did take a small nap before his match (the match before would not end) and after his match I took a nap in my bed, I hate naps but if I had not done that I probably would of fainted or something (i used to not sleep some nights were younger and that was nothing but since i have been suffering from insomnia since lata february that was not a good thing for me to have 0 sleep last night). When he is done in Europe I wil be able to start sleeping at my normal times so I'll start watching new movies again. There's also a ton of shows on Youtube that I want to watch (still have not seen the Graham Norton with Fassy...the last...his first i saw it...that show plays on BBC Canada but not in order...i may be lucky and catch it on tv soon...i always look for it).
I still force myself to walk once a day. Still less than one hour which I don't like but since I had spent many months inside the house only going outside for appointments walks of less than one hour is much better.
I also want to do other things than watch television and be in front of my computer. I will start reading soon, I also have activity books (dot to dot...coloring...that kind of stuff) and I'll jump on those soon too.
My poor brain was dying on me. Plus my parents that are driving me insane. I am not in a good situation to say the least.
Nancy, thank you for putting the guilt thing in perspective. I feel better. I know what you mean about insomnia. I have it, too. I developed it about ten years ago when I was stuck in a job that I really should have quit awhile back (I always tend to stay in jobs far past the time when I should leave!).
So now my insomnia is an established habit that the brain keeps falling into. Weird how that kind of thing works with the habit continuing long after the original cause is gone. Anyway, last night I was so physically tense that I just couldn't get into a good sleeping position. So I'm thrashing around, trying to plump up the pillows or put them to one side, and throw off the covers or pull them up. It was so immensely frustrating! That is usually how insomnia manifests with me: physical tension, and sometimes mental tension with my thoughts running all over the place.
What seems to help is (1) to exercise with a daily walk like you're doing already, (2) to listen to my 15-minute relaxation CD, which is very helpful. It's here at Amazon.ca if you're interested in having a look, and (3) getting up at the same time every morning no matter what. After some really bad insomnia (like only 3 or 4 hours sleep) and then having to get up early, I will generally feel exhausted (one might even say zombified) through the day, but that usually helps me to sleep well when the next night rolls around. Kind of a re-set. I'm also one of those poor devils that needs 8 hours (and would like to have 9 hours) of sleep to feel at my best.
So it sounds like you're into watching sports! That is so cool. You'll always have a topic of conversation when you meet people. I am kind of a sports dunce. I don't follow the World Cup or anything, and I don't even know the rules of American football. And I've actually tried to learn because I've thought, "Oh, it'll always be a topic of conversation!" The one sport I follow is boxing, but I haven't had time since 2012 when Manny Pacquiao lost the Welterweight title to that other guy -- whoa, has it really been two years since I've watched a boxing match? You see what I mean about time passing!
The reading and the activity books sound good. For people like us who do a lot of computer work, it can be essential to do something completely different for relaxation, especially if it's something hands-on. I've been casting around for something like that to do. I like to experiment with crafts like jewelry making, and I've thought about doing something like putting together jigsaw puzzles -- but what often stops me is the question, "what will I do with the results once I'm done?" I have sort of a love-hate relationship with clutter.
You have my full sympathy about the situation with your parents. That has got to be a difficult situation. Mine are both dead at this point, and in some ways it's a vast relief, though it sounds weird to say so. We weren't all that close, but even if we had been, I think the relationship between any parent and their grown-up offspring can hold a lot of tension.
Here's hoping we both have a good day today even with insomnia!
Wow you have been suffering from insomnia for a long time!
When I am at my best I have to have eight hours of sleep, the ultimate best is for me to have ten hours in bed with at least that eight hours of sleep.
I started more than one year ago getting to bed and getting up at different times and I did that for more than a year so I think that that combined with all the stress and my depression that came back is what gave me the insomnia.
I like relaxation music. I started a while back listening to a new one everytime I change my email address (i change it often since leaving Yahoo a few years [it was during a summer...2011 i think] im with my 30th right now) I get them at Sequoia Records (i would give you the link but everytime i try writing 1 here it does not work and erase the rest of my post).
The link you gave me is that an album? When I clicked on it it was a book, if an album is mentioned I did not see it.
I have puzzles too. I have one with five hundred pieces and three of one thousand pieces (1 of these 3 i have no idea why i bought it...it looks not doable at all...its 1 with all the charactes from The Simpsons [bought it before 2009 so there must be some that are not there] and its like small dots of different colors...itll take me years probably to finish it...lol).
Sports is what saved me many years ago. Michael Schumacher is my god (i keep on going for him....its been a long time since we had some news...hopefully he is out of the coma and he is like he was before). The Dallas Stars are what helped me get through the awful news of Shumi's accident, if Eric Lindros would not have finished his carreer there I would of stopped watching Hockey when he retired. Ralfie is the only Tennis player I watch every games, Andy Roddick was my favorite player and Andre Agassi is the one who brought me to Tennis. When I will get up at normal hours every day I won't be able to watch Tennis anymore, it's a sport with tournaments all over the world so we get to watch it at different times all year long.
It's not because someone is family that it is someone that we should have in our lives. I'm still here because I have almost no money aside (they stole my live savings...i have no job so its hard putting money aside). All I know is the day I move out is the day I will see them for the last time. I cannot fully move on with them still in my life even if it's just by letter or by internet contact. They are only a form of negativity, the only positives they had disappeared after we moved here on November 9 2009.
Nancy, wow, now that you mention it, it HAS been a long time! It's kind of a sobering thought how we can get used to things like insomnia that instead we should probably be trying to overcome if possible. It's not every night that it happens to me. More like a couple of nights a week, but it's very annoying when it does because I know it's that learned-behavior thing and not due to an actual cause.
Now, depression, that is a very hard thing to cope with. I've never had to deal with that, and I only know what I've read about it, but it sounds very difficult. Because it's a brain chemistry thing. It would be almost impossible to get past having it affect every aspect of one's life unless that person could fix up the brain chemistry -- through medication, or exercise, or meditation, or something like that. I wish you the very best good luck in managing the depression. And once you do, I'm sure the insomnia will clear up as well.
Relaxation music? I hadn't really thought about that. For relaxation, I've tried those nature CDs with the whale sounds and the ocean waves on the beach. Those are very soothing. And I have that CD that everyone bought back in the 1990s of the Benedictine monks chanting. If you like Gregorian chants, that's a fun one!
The link I gave you, yes, that's a book with a CD. The book offers a general explanation of the different types of the five relaxation sessions on the CD. The CD is the real thing that you use with each session lasting 15 minutes. Many people pick a favorite from the five and just stick with that, and others cycle through all five. The good thing is it's only 15 minutes. You know it's working when you start falling asleep during the CD session!
Now the puzzles ... that Simpsons one sounds challenging! Especially at a thousand pieces. I find puzzles made from drawings to be more difficult than those made from photographs for some reason. I mean, when you're looking at a puzzle piece that just contains tiny dots like you say, it can start to resemble some sort of weird abstract art, ha, ha!
Sports, hmmm, so I Googled Michael Schumacher and now I know he's a Formula One racecar driver. And he's been a coma since December 2013? God, poor guy! According to Wikipedia, the last piece of news was as of March, but I hope things are improving for him. That has got to be so hard for his family. And the Dallas Stars, I Googled them, and now I know they're ice hockey. I can see how hockey would be fun to watch with all the movement and action -- same with tennis. I'm too disorganized to find all the matches, but I've watched the Wimbleton a couple of times. It always looks so suspenseful and quiet with the players under such crushing pressure to serve and yet not double-fault!
And your parents -- God, what a betrayal! I am so very sorry that happened to you. I can completely understand that you wouldn't want to see them again. I wish you the best of luck getting a job and getting free of them. And I know that has to be difficult because of the trouble we (US and Canada) have had with the economy. It's also hard to go from unemployment to employment. I've always had freelance writing, but I've had gaps in my work history between day jobs. I've got past this by doing volunteer work as a way to get back into paying work because you get a good reference and some skills after six months to a year. But you'd probably need to commute a little bit to find these opportunities -- like to Rimouski maybe? (Can you tell I've been puttering around with Google maps? )
Today I had the first news about Shumi in a long time. It was his manager saying that the latest news that he was in and out of consciousness was false because she had never said that. It is very confusing, why wait that long to say she never said that? I actually loved the no news part because it's none of our business how he is doing. Sure he is my god but I am not in his life so it's none of my business. Thinking that the people who are rich and famous belong to us all is one of the many faults of the human species. I think that the reason why I haven't had a meltdown about that is that never were the terms brain dead and vegetable used. Many people have spent long periods of time in a coma and have came out like they were before. Being brain dead or in a vegetative state is worst than death, he did not want that before his accident and his family I am sure won't let that happen to him. He is the best athlete ever and he is an amazing human being. He does not deserve that at all. It really sucks seeing people like him suffer when wortless evil people are allright.
I tried in two different occasions two different medication for my depression (less than 1 month each) and that made me worst. My thinking is that if you are still functional you do not need that kind of medication. Right now I am barely functional but I still am (for me when you let your hygiene go thats when you cannot function...im not there yet + i do other things too). This Winter I felt like my soul was dead and I still feel like it. My parents killed it. My Stars made the playoffs this season after not making it for five years and it was very hard seeing the games, I even missed about one minute, that killed the remaining light in me. All I had left was watching the Dallas Stars and it was taken away from me (i almost freaked out when i learned they would be on TSN but then i remembered how during the playoffs it was illegal for any channels to do what they do often during the regular season [put a match that starts at 20:00 or 20:30 after a match that starts at 19:00 or 19:30...having parts of a game not shown on tv...etc...] but this changed during the years they did not make it!!!). All I ask in life is to be able to see every seconds of every games of the Dallas Stars and I cannot even have that anymore, apparently asking for that is too much.
Here most of the jobs that are available have to do with the forests and things like that so I cannot do most of the available jobs and that maks it harder to find one.
I should start driving again. I am so stressed when I drive that I stopped driving because it was too dangerous. Here you have to drive to get around since there's no public transportation. The closest city is Causapscal which is less than ten minutes away and then it's Amqui with less than an half hour. The parking lots here are so small but the rest it's a breeze to drive. I have only driven less than five times though since moving. My plan is to drive with my dad at least once a week to Causapscal until I am comfortable enough to go there by myself, I could at least do this by myself, it sucks to have to wait for someone to do everything, Causapscal is a small town but it's bigger than mine (theres a bank [here too but only opened on thursdays] a drugstore a grocery stores a few restaurants and my hair dresser is there too).
Rimouski is close to two hours away. Matane is a little less time farter than that. New Brunswick is next to us (theres an highway right in front of our town) and with less than one hour of drive we are in Campbellton.
I walked before my match today (Ralfie is second...here it started at 5:00 so i got up before 3:00...i have a morning and night routine that i refuse to not do or change), it was so peaceful, the sun had not completely came out yet so there were barely anyone out (i love early mornings...that time of day has a smell that i love...its a magical time). Now the match before his has the first set almost done. If he finishes it fast I will probably have to take a small nap, I have a few errands and a 15:30 appointment (electrolysis [sp???] put it that late because i knew if he would play it would be over...thats 21:30 there and they dont have lights). My last television show ends at 21:00 and I think I'll start my night routine after that, if he wins I will add ten hours to my alarm clock when I'll be in my bedroom so I do not sleep too much (did not do that friday night and i ended up sleeping 0 second).
Nancy, I agree with you on his manager's statement, which is uninformative so why did she even bother? But you're right that as long as he's stable and unchanging, there is a lot of hope that he'll make a full recovery. It's scary to think that a skiing accident could result in a head injury that would lead to something like this. The same thing happened to Liam Neeson's wife Natasha Richardson a few years back; that was very tragic.
You make a good point about depression and medication. You might not even be clinically depressed but just in a stressful situation with your parents. You're smart to do your daily exercise. Everything I've ever heard says that daily walking is beneficial on every level -- physical, emotional, mental.
As for the local job situation, that has got to be difficult when you're living in a rural area and everything is oriented toward natural resources and land management. Or agriculture. It's good that you want to get comfortable with driving again because maybe something else might be available in one of the small nearby cities, anything, even service work like those hotel or restaurant jobs that spring up to support the forest industry. Not to be trying to push advice on you or anything. I wish you the very best luck if you decide to look for work in that direction. What would be ideal is if you could write for an internet publication on sports. Maybe you could write about Ice Hockey for BellaOnline? The topic is open and none of us knows anything about it. It might eventually lead to bigger things and in the meantime it might be fun.
He was helped right away and he has had the best doctors, surgeons and equipments available to him so that helped him a lot. One of his best friend is one of the most important doctor in the world and he immediately came to France to help him. Hopefully he is making a full recovery and will when fully healed tell us all. You should of seen the comments on Planet F1 on that article, all so-called Shumi fans angry about not getting a daily feedback on his health; bunch of heartless creeps!
I remember Liam's wife and what happened to her. The saddest thing is that she seemed fine which is why she refused medical help. At least that helped people like me understand that even when you seem fine to seek medical help.
When I try to find a job I always give my name to every stores, restaurants, gas stations and every other places like that. Another problem here is that people here hate any other language and culture than French and Quebec culture so me speaking English is something against me. There are many tourists here during Summer and lots of them speak English so you would think someone working at least during that time who could speak that language would be a positive but not here. I will probably have to go back to school or learn a job at a school (after learning to swim i was going to finish high school then go on a big vacation before moving out...i had timed it to my dads retirement [i was working for him] but like i said he decided to let his job go without tellinh us).
Nancy, I hope Shumi is making a full recovery, too. It sounds like he has a lot of good fortune going for him, you know? He's an athlete so he was in good shape when the accident happened, and he got immediate care from the best trauma doctors available. I know what you mean about the so-called fans. They should be praying for him or sending flowers to his family, and not demanding daily updates! The internet is a weird place, and sometimes I think it is to blame for the increasingly rude behavior of people like the "fans" in situations like this.
Good point about Natasha. I remember that, too. Scary because I'm sure I would have done the same thing and refused treatment because I felt fine, but now we all know better.
And it's too bad that you being fluent in English is thought of as a strike against you, and even an impediment to getting a job! Quebec does sound similar to Northern Ireland where people are so political down to the bone-deep level that they will never get past their prejudices. But I think you going back to school sounds like a great idea.
He has always been in good shape not only physically but also mentally. Even when he came back with Mercedes he always was the one of them all with the best shape, the jokes about him being the oldest did not stopped though but he has never cared about things like that. If they would not of got rid of him and stayed with him he would of at least won a few races but they decided to stab him in the back instead. With private practices his car would of been better than what he had. He was closed to winning once in Montreal but his car broke when he was about to pass the man who was first and he ended up out of the top three. He was also wrongly punished after he got a pole position in Monaco and had to start in eleventh place.
One of my cousin went to an university in Montreal and was one of the bets in his classes, he was in architecture. He was told to learn English because that job required it but he refused and he had to come back here since he could not get a job (he spent many years without a job because he only wanted an important job...he started working last year because of 1 of his brother who got him a job who he found to be important enough for him...i unlike him would take any job...a job is a job + in his case he has 2 kids so that was not only stupid of him but also selfish). He has said many time that if he would learn another language he would just lose his identity, people here are either like him or they don't learn another language because of hatred for other cultures.
Nancy, he (Shumi) sounds like a good guy, like a role model. Too many athletes these days are not -- like some of the kids at the Olympics who goof around while standing on the podium during the awards ceremony, for example. And that whole situation with aging out of one's sport is very hard to deal with. At least racing is one where you get to go longer than, say, gymnastics. Being older would not help a driver's fast reflexes, but it would compensate by giving him more experience!
And your cousin, oh, my goodness. I'd have to agree with you on his selfishness. He should have been doing what he needed to do for his kids. I agree with you about a job is a job. There is nothing to be ashamed of about honest work.
And I'm sorry today was a bad day for you! It was a bit stressful for me as well -- the usual thing like I should have got more done! Better luck for us both tomorrow.
I too am good at stressing myself over something that should not be stressful. I even sometimes freak out when I do good. Like when I learned how to drive I had a lesson go excellent and I was on a high, the next lesson was the next day and I somehow let myself turn this positive into a negative and because of this the next lesson (less than 24 hours in between the 2) was horrible. Now with everything that has happened since I moved here I am more cruel to myself and I am stressing myself over little things. Like when I cannot open a package I call myself names and even sometimes ask myself why I even exist. I hope you are not like me when you get stressed or nervous!
Have you ever seen Gael Monfils? He is a Tennis player. To compare him to a clown would be an insult to clowns, your example made me think of him.
Nancy, isn't it the strangest thing how we humans in general are sometimes more impatient with ourselves than we would ever be with another person? Maybe it's human nature, or maybe we pick this up from our environment when we're very young in school or something like that. I always try to go easy on myself when I become aware that I'm causing myself stress in a situation that really shouldn't be that stressful, and it helps to give myself a break. I mean, we're all doing the best we can, right?
And this
Quote:
To compare him to a clown would be an insult to clowns, your example made me think of him.
is too funny! I hadn't known about him, but now I'm picturing him to be one of those total jerks in tennis, kind of like John McEnroe back in the 1970s, throwing tantrums on the court, etc.
I have never had anyone helping me in any way plus there was the stress and lack of love in my home and the bullying so I have always been hard on myself but never to the point of insulting myself, I did asked why I existed for a period of time but stopped when I first saw Shumi. It is very hard living here. Not only because I am stuck with my parents but also because it's like we are living in hell, it's like there's a curse here or something. Not one normal day I have had since moving here, not one. I am used to being lonely, sad, stressed and the list goes on but at least I had normal days and my bad luck was not to this extent. I am afraid that if there's really a curse here that when I finally move away that that curse will follow me (at least i would be far from my parents so i would have a better chance)! Today could of been such an amazing day for me. My parents left at around 7:00 and won't be back probably for a few more hours but from the moment I last woke up (woke up a few times and only slept like 1 or 2 hours) it was just one bad thing over another (almost had a panic attack a few minutes after getting up). If it weren't that I am alone so I can try to calm myself (cannot happen with 1 or both parents near me) and that Ralfie won I would be a total mess right now.
Nancy, I'm sorry today was a bad day, and I'm so sorry to hear about the all the stress involved with your parents. I can only imagine what you're going through. I know I've always had stress in my relationship with my parents in the past, and so you have my total sympathy.
Speaking as a now-and-then insomniac, I could point out that probably one of the biggest factors to you having a bad day is that you got almost no sleep. Being exhausted can make you feel so tense and ruin an entire day -- but the good thing is that you will feel MUCH better when you catch up on sleep. Here's hoping tomorrow is much better for you!
And McEnroe, ha,ha! I guess you could say he was unforgettable.
I was able to have a good night sleep with almost ten hours in bed, it was nice but since I haven't slept too well for a long time when I have those nights where I sleep well I still feel tired. It's a shame that we cannot store sleep so we can later go there when we need some, I spent a few months sleeping too much so that would of helped, LOL.
Mine was inbetween good and rotten. Had a minor fight with the hubby the night before and so when I went to work on a positive note, I found myself going off into the "deer in headlights" mode, just staring off into space. However, most of the time I managed to forget about it.
Yesterday was a very bad day (i wonder what was going on here yesterday when i came here...Bella Online was still up but not the forums...it was weird...i dont remember what Windows was telling me but it was the first time receiving that diagnostic).
There's a man here that started months ago bothering my dad then my mom. It escalated to a few months ago him filming them (mostly my dad) and then he started to make threats (only to my dad). My dad tried with the police, yesterday he went to the police station and they told him that with what he had they cannot do anything. This morning while I was still in bed I heard my dad say to mom while coming back from a walk that that man told him to meet him in one of the dirt streets in the middle of nowhere at 13:00 and my dad agreed. He left by foot alone and without any protection a few minutes ago. My mom seemed to think this was all okay so I told her that if something happens to him that there's no way that with our little checks (i get barely 500$ and i think she gets less than 100$) that we would be able to keep the house and that I refuse to put into it the little money I was able to put aside (maybe we would have enough for a few months...i doubt more than 6) so I would not stay and I also added after that that I think this is not normal behavior and that it is stupid and dangerous. She of course was angry at me first for daring voicing my opinion then she thought I was on the side of the maniac after my dad. My dad did not start all that trouble (a miracle because all the troubles he has had with people until then was always started by him) but that going alone unarmed in the middle of nowhere to meet a crazy man who is on drugs and alcohol almost all day long all year long who also has many guns, knifes and friends just like him is not what you do in a situation like that. She then proceeded to tell me I was just like Luc (a trouble maker in our family who is also heartless and a drug addict...very nice of her) and that I was the one that did not understand and had the problem. So I said okay then I am the one who do not understand and have the problem and she said I never said that (she did...just like a few months ago when she talked to me after me of not talking for many weeks she could not remember at all what had happened).
So now my dad is probably already hurt or dead or getting hurt or killed or soon will be hurt or dead and this is all okay and normal and I cannot see that because I am stupid and on the side of the maniacs of the town.
My mom went to hide in a family's house near ours (the second house on the left).
I'm getting ready to walk to the town's bank. I have three bills to pay (luckily the other 2 came today) and I was going to get up early tomorrow morning for the errands my parents normall run on that day but I have no idea if my dad will be alive by then and how he would look so I figured I would do that (its only open from 14:00 to 18:00 on thursdays).
I will go in my bedroom now to see how much money I have aside, it's been a few months since I was able to put any money in that hidden place and I cannot recall how I had the last time I checked. I even had to take a few here and there at some points last year.
To get away from here and be able to eat enough to stay alive until I find a job I have to find a place with electricity included for 405$ or less (that would left 100$ for food...i may get more when i move since i get the minimum for staying with my parents). These places exist but are rare and go very fast. If I can find a place like that I could get the internet at least with the money set aside or just use it for extra food or better yet to buy furniture when I would get a job (not before in case it takes a long time to get 1 and i have to eat more or some emergency arrives).
I should of moved on my own when my dad came back home after leaving his job and leaving us in trouble. I had 16000$ and that was enough for an appartment with internet and satellite and a monthly bus and subway pass for at least one year and I would of had a job in no time since I was living near big cities but no stupid me came here and did not realised until there was only 1000$ left that my parents had stolen it all from me (if you ask them it was not stolen...apparently when you borrow money and never pay it back from your daughter you cannot call that stealing).
When I came back from the town's bank (less than 10 minutes walk) my dad was sittiing on the front porch's chair, noone showed up so he is okay. When I entered the home my mom was sitting in the kitchen's rocking chair so I asked if she was going to give the silent treatment and she said no I'm just reading and I said well afterall that's what you do everytime I dare express myself and she then said one of the despicable things ever which is that I do not express myself I put her down. That coming from someone who has done this to me in several ways from my birth; from sighing or rolling her eyes or getting angry everytime I would talk about a dream or hope to giving me the silent treatment when she was angry to the manipulations to the lies to the humiliations to telling me to shut up the rare times I had the strenght to talk about something important to sending me to a psychiatrist when I had the courage to admit I was bullied to now which is to drive me crazy after stealing my life's savings!
I said nothing because I want to be 100% ready to move away when I will say to both of them what I want.
I now have 5000$ aside, it's not much but it is better than 0$. For the remaining time I will stay here every cents possible will be set aside.
Before she went away hidding in another house when she was angry at me she also started saying that I just had to move away, she stopped before finishing her sentence, they both know that if I go they will lose their punching bags.
Oh and after I came back I also thanked her for telling me earlier that I was just like Luc and she said well you are. She then says that it is correct because when they drive me crazy by pushing my buttons I sigh and do other things like make noise with my fingers by banging them on something so that is me trying to control their lives! Again it was hard to shut up but I will not give them the satisfaction of not being 100% ready to comfront them before leaving.
Ended up not being face to face with none of my parents for the rest of the day.
Strangely all that happened today left me with a nice feeling, maybe that's the last straw that had to happen to finally wake me up.
I did heard them whisper a few times and I know it was about me, they have a different tone when they do that (happened a few times during the mornings when i wake up when they are downstairs in the kitchen and my bedroom door is opened...i know they are talking about me because i hear a few words and they have that same tone then that they had today when they were whispering).
It's like now I just do not care anymore. It's a strange feeling.
My parents now are acting like psychopaths. They give themselves these evil looks after looking at me then they look at me again. And now what they did to get on my nerves and drive me crazy are done worst, louder and in public. The only thing they never did to me was being physically abusive and now I am afraid this is their next step.
All that because I said that going in the middle of nowhere to meet someone who wants to beat you up is stupid and dangerous (they were cruel monsters who had stolen my life savings and were trying to drive me insane but at least they were not scary and never did it in public...thats the public part that scares me most than their behavior...if they do that to me in public then whats next)!
I sense something bad coming up. Both my parents were nice today and none of these new evil and hateful behaviors were in display. They even tried their best not to get on my nerves. Except for one time with my mom when they realised what they were doing they stopped and for that one time it did not turned ugly. I used to not look forward to what was coming next when they were calm but now I am scared. My mom will even help me by starting to wash my new bedding tomorrow morning so it can go outside (if it does not rain of course) longer since I will be up later than she will !
I decided to make the ultimatum (accept the money to go on vacation or i move) to my parents Thursday.
Only for my parents a gift of a vacation would be an insult especially since I had that idea when I heard it was something they want and need.
So tomorrow my goal is to relax. It will be hard but at least if I can not think about all that at all it would be a start and a good way to relax.
The sink in the kitchen is leaking so that's another thing (unless its a little something that can be fixed by not a plumber...i doubt it because for months now water has been dropping even when it was close...drops at a time...i had an idea to put a big bowl under it to catch all that water and to then recycle it...it took a lot of work but my parents finally accepted that...i could hear drops coming from underneath all night long but when i looked there were no water...finally i stepped into water before coming here) that we will have to go without soon. The sink in the upstairs bathroom has been shut down for at least one week now (the water was leaking down into the kitchen...my parents tried dropping water into it but its only when the sink is working that it does that). Before that it was the oven that broke (the 4 elements still work) then it was the downstairs bathroom's door that broke and before that it was a few places we could not renovate. These things will never be fixed and the renovations will never be finished since my parents have no money because they cannot budget.
And our fire wood is still not here eventhough it is fully paid and has been since at least one month (probably more than 2 months really). It was technically a good deal since we have enough for almost two years with a low price but my dad gave the money to a cousin of mine and it took many weeks until he learned where that wood is (i think he still do not know the name of the man who sold it) and he has never even been there because he needs a key to enter that wood land and he does not have access to it. Plus it's big logs that need to be cut with chainsaws which he does not have and don't know how to use. Plus it needs to be transported here with a trailer which he does not have. And when it will be cut he will need something else other than an axe (he has 1 and is good with it) and he only has an axe. Getting fire wood from elsewhere would of been an higher price but at least in just a few days or even the next day someone would of delivered it here all cut and ready to use but when things are not difficult my parents have to make it difficult. In about a month we will need to start heating the house and we won't be able to probably. So far they continue helping the people who are ripping us off without even mentioning that August is here and the wood is not cut and on our property.
There's a good chance that when I give my ultimatum (to almost everyone on this planet it would never be an ultimatum it would be a gift...saying no when i made that effort would not of hurt me but accepting it like an insult and then accepting it with an attitude and the waiting a few days before going and telling me by letter on an important day for me that they would not go was just cruel so that hurt and it is now an ultimatum) they just freak out so instead of waiting for the answer (yes means i and them have a vacation no means i am moving out as soon as i find a place i can afford) that would mean I will start my moving out proccess Thursday. They for sure will not throw me out since I am their punching bag so I am not worried about that but even if that's happen I don't care because being homeless would be better than to live here. I just want to have a chance to reload my brain, body and soul before starting the process and I also want to be completely ready which is why I so want to have a break away from them and time to plan everything about my moving on my own but like I said even if I end up homeless at least I won't be with them.
Another thing I decided a few days ago is that my dream of facing them and saying to them everything I want to them is off. I will write it all down then put it upstairs in my bedroom and when I will only have to get out I will tell them that my contact information is upstairs (i wont even give them the letter because if they see how big it is they might open it before im gone). They will interupt me anyway and even if they don't they will just deny or/and say they do not remember or/and blame me and/or whatever else. I refuse to give them one last evil cruel mean shot at me on the day that will be the best day of my life (i will also need to wait until the last moment to tell them im moving [unless they do not accept my offer of course then they will know] so i dont have them beating me down like they are so good at with and without words). A friend of mine had an excellent idea of moving out when they would be gone but that would be very difficult since they rarely go outside the house together and when they do it's not for a long period of time. I do not have a lot of things, most of my belongings are clothes and other things that can go in boxes, only my mattress and a bar table with it's chair are big then it's my computer. The HD television is for me but I did not pay it so I won't bring it with me.
Oh well I will start with the ultimatum Thursday unless a miracle happens tomorrow and they tell me they are accepting my offer!
Not because I think it's a bad idea and not because I am too afraid but because I have a feeling that it is not the correct time to do it.
There was like a voice telling me today to just wait, it just came to me out of the blue, that was what I suddendly was think about, just wait and it did not seem to come from me at all (im VERY used to doubting myself and that was not it at all).
Tomorrow is the day I give my parents the ultimatum.
No excuses and no more delay, I don't care if there's a voice inside me that tells me to wait because that voice won't be listened to even if it's a real warning.
I cannot take it anymore.
Every day now there is a new drama and that in addition of them doing their best to slowly kill me mentally.
My dad for a second straight day has spent many hours in a wood lot cutting big logs of wood with a manual saw and then putting it in the back of our truck and these two days it has been sunny and hot. Apparently he thinks that he can do that with all our fire wood (we have enough for more than 1 year and all of it are big logs....even if he can cut it all before snow arrives in pieces short enough to fit our fire stove it will take him close to 100 trips from there to here for all of it). No life insurance, no will and everything is in his name. I did mentioned our nice neighbor that would love to help him but no the way he does it is the way to go if you listen to my parents. At least I know I have an exit if something happens to him with the short amount of money I have aside.
So tomorrow it is the moment of truth! I will come back here when it will be done to say how it went. I will have to wait until my dad is back home and has eaten, the past two days he has left at about 8:00 (yesterday i was sleeping so i dont really know but today i was awake in bed and it was 8:05 when he left) and he has come back both days after 15:00. I want them both in the room so they can both hear me, I do not trust any of them to really tell the other what I said, until this Spring I actually thought my mom had not told my dad about my vacation money gift to them, only when I heard him complain about one of the excuses given to me in a letter that I knew he knew (well probably not like i offered...i wont be shocked to learn my mom put a negative spin on it). I am nervous about it (just telling them hi when they look happy has always been nerve wrecking) but I am excited about it too, finally one way or another it will soon be over: They accept and I have a break to renew myself at least a full day alone or I start the motions to move out (either way thats what ill do but at least with a break i know i would be 100% in shape both mentally and pysically)!
It is weird but I have like that same feeling as the last time I came here and said that I would do it but this time the voices are not telling me to wait, underneath the fear I have a good feeling. We'll see tomorrow .
Last night I decided to approach it as a gift instead of an ultimatum then if they were to freak out or complain it would become an ultimatum.
I started by telling them how we are all going crazy in different ways and that a vacation for all of us would be the best. I mentioned that I can take mine here because I am not part of any drama outside this house but they are so relaxing here is impossible for them. Then I said that for me going on vacation it would cost much more than them because them they go visit a friend by car so it cost way less than paying for transportation, a place to stay, food and everything else. I offered 100$ for the days they will leave and come back and 100$ for every day extra. They were angry but they showed it by silence, my dad looked away and my mom looked straight then to my dad then straight again. I finished by saying that the offer was there and my mom said okay. I came here and soon after my mom asked my dad if he wanted to eat and he said later then went upstairs, my mom soon after went upstairs and told my dad she would take a nap in the attic and this is what she did. My mom is still there and after watching a little television he went to look out the hallway door upstairs and I think he is still there.
I was shaking like crazy (still am a little bit) but I did it!
Only people like my parents would take a paid vacation (that THEY WANT AND NEED) as an insult.
So I will wait. If in one year I go to bed and they have not accepted or refused I am starting the steps to move out, this did not turned into an ultimatum so they do not know this part.
Whether they accept or not I will move but like I said if I get a vacation I will be able to reload my mind which would be nice and much better before making life changes. Finding a place I can afford will be hard and it will be hard until I find a job but it can be done.
Now I have to wait and see where this will lead me.
I was so petrified when I had that talk that most of what I was supposed to say was not said so since then they are ignoring this (the worst were the first few days when they were acting like we are a perfect and happy family all the while MAKING ME CRAZY) so I had to come up with a better plan.
On September 16 they will leave at around 9:00 for Matane. This is more than one hour to go there and then another more than one hour to come back, in addition there's my mom's appointment and they will probably visit an aunt. The day before if they still have not told me yes I will leave on the table a letter with everything that needs to be said in it (the situation with all of us...that it is crazy that they are taking a vacation offer like an insult...that i am suicidal [its the truth...been like that since april...i have no idea why it took this long]...i will tell them the terms of the offer...all the options they have and what they mean...the day of the letter will count as day 0 and they will have a full year to tell me the answer and a full year to go...EVERYTHING). I will be asleep when they will read it and I still will be in my bedroom when they will leave so they will have a few hours by themselves to discuss this (PLUS i will have a RARE opportunity to at least have my morning routine go well).
I will be 38 years old on November 11 and look at me! I am living with my parents who are evil and killing me, I have no job, no relationship, no real friends (there are many nice people on the internet and i am VERY grateful for them all but still i have never met them), no future, nothing!
They have nine days to tell me they will go (they dont even have to go 1 full day...just 1 day to go and 1 day to come back is 1 full day and its the MINIMUM i ask!!!!!!!!!!!).
Only Shumi fighting to come back to who he used to be is stopping me from killing myself right now but my parents know full well I am suicidal (they heard me on the night of the final playoff game of the Dallas Stars...i said several time that i would kill myself...just eat some brazil nuts where noone is around and im dead in a few minutes...thats it) and they do not care so if that letter (if thats what it takes) is what wakes them up it won't be the suicidal part (just like when i spent about 1 year in the house before i turned 20...i never went out even in the yard...only slept or watch tv or cried...NEVER ONCE THEY ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG...NEVER ONCE LOOKED AT ME WORRIED).
Every single day when I get up I feel like I am in hell, a hell that repeats itself every single day and a hell that has no way out. And again they know this (its easy to see...sometimes its so bad that when i go out people i dont even know look at me worried...my own parents dont care) and do not care one bit.
I have read many comments on the internet from people cutting all ties with evil people from their lifes and hopefully one day I will be able to do that!
The one thing I hold on to when stress is high and trouble is unbearable.
"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
My life being a hell that has no end and me having no purpose except than to suffer and have no reason to exist continues!
I had decided that today was a big day, I was ready to make a real decision, it was a perfect day since I have no Hockey game tonight so I could of went to bed relaxed, get up when I wanted to, do my morning routine normally and then take my time without having to look at the time but of course something had to happen to stop me from doing this!
I was getting the shower ready and all the water went away (SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED AND WE ONLY BEEN HERE SINCE OCTOBER 6)! The beauty routines for the mornings and nights are the only thing I never give up on and I had to go to bed (which is still an air bed on a floor in the basement since my bedroom is still not finished which by the way is not negative for me since i want my bedroom completely done before sleeping in it) dirty! And the worst is that there's a trick for when that happens and of course my mom did not mention this at all! It took her less than one minute to get the water back! So I will remain dirty all day long (i dont want to start taking showers in the morning again and i refuse to waste water by taking 2 showers)! And of course I can forget about the big decision!
Every time I do something like that and I am actually excited about it something has to happen! Every time! Whether it is something small or big or in between it cannot go well for me or just like now something has to happen to stop me from doing it!
My parents are still psychopaths but at least things were advancing for me; slowly but I was doing it! Everything was falling into place, I actually thought I was starting to get some luck back! Stupid me for thinking I could actually get a life that is normal or at least meaningful!
I even started to hit myself again because of that, I hit my head when I was writing in the other topics here earlier and I also hit my right thigh then my head again, I also said that I wanted it to be all over and I cursed whoever is responsible for me existing (do not believe in god but just in case he exist i gave him 2 fingers and told him to go to hell for making me)!
My mom had another freak out for no reason again tonight.
Before a show ended she told me something she received did not fit so I told her that I would go after check what their return policy are (Zazzle Canada - never ordered anything for myself - she bought a few hats 1 sweatshirt and a watch which is what does not fit). So I did that and then a few minutes later while still on the computer she came downstairs almost running and slammed the door of her room (mine is just next to hers). I figured that she was angry because she did not liked my attitude or something else (ever since i can remember either of my parents can turn at any time and change mood just like that) and a few minutes after I went upstairs and while I was preparing food she came there and acted like a child completely ignoring me. After that I came back downstairs and before reaching the stairs I understood why she became angry. She asked me earlier to scan and send pictures to two people by email, I said that I would do that after a show I would watch at 18:00 which was the show I was watching when she asked for me help, she must of figured when I stayed a little longer that I did not want to do it so this is why she acted like a crazed child. She went in her room to post the pictures to the two people. When I was writing this she came to her room and was singing to drive me crazy so I guess she won't ignore me the rest of the night.
When I thought of coming here to talk about that I decided to come here everytime my parents will freak out (i should tell you all about what happened the same week we came here!!!!!!!!!), this may help some people who read my posts and do not see how crazy my parents are. It is a huge wonder why I am not more screwed up than I am having these two lunatics as parents (yes i have MANY problems but it should be worst than it is considering)!
That is the last time that I believe the clock of the ATP!
Since Tennis has started in Europe I have been getting up by the schedules. Three hours after when Rafael Nadal does not play and when he does on his off days it is one hour later, if he does not make the final two hours later. Until Roland Garros it is with six hours of difference in time zones but ATP were saying if was five with Rome this week, I thought it was weird so instead of checking it out (Time And Date is the best website for that) I went with them. Well, mistake since it is six hours of difference not five. No wonder I did not slept well the past two nights (insomnia was back last night). Plus I could of missed my game today!
My parents went to where we lived to visit and run some errands.
Mom came in this room tonight to try and whine about grandmom. I kept on looking at the television and replied a few times but without getting into it. Earlier I tried engaging her in something and she shot me a few sarcastic remarks and of course we add all that she has done to me since birth so this is why I did not care at all for her misery (grandmom is a witch and is being cruel to her eventhough my mom has done nothing but being helpful to her while we were living there and she even continued for a while after we moved here). Plus she is angry at my dad because he went to see her and she knew that dad talked about things that are going on here and also he does not hide that with all that he is behind his mom (oh and grandmom also has done many awful thing to dad). She dared saying that she said today to a friend they visited that her mom too was a witch but she was not scared to put her in her place when she was crossing the line; again there she is seeing all the flaws in people except hers.
I may get a 50% vacation soon. An aunt of mine is supposed to go to Quebec for one or two days, her husband does not feel like driving that distance and if she has to go there when the son who wants to drive them cannot due to work my dad will do it which would leave me with only mom since she won't go.
When they talk about going to see their friend where we used to live for many years (Saint-Hubert) they really sound honest about it (it is so easy to sense the cruelty in their voice and so far i did not sensed any about that that is since dad bought a new car - before they have made fun of me a few times about that - i just do not engage anymore so they do not have THAT satisfaction) but for them to do that we have to get a nice offer from the insurance company.
I keep on telling myself that now at least I live in a place I like and that I do have enough money to get away when I am ready (will be more when the insurance finally pays us).
Before the fire there was only negativity so it was hard to be positive; I am more than down right now so it is hard and probably will take a lot of time but I won't give up!
Irene called and she has her appointment in Quebec Wednesday. At first I thought that only dad would go but turns out mom too is going but she will stay in their house because one of their son still lives there and he is handicapped and could not find anyone to stay there for him.
Tuesday my parents will sleep there then dad will drive Yrene and Jean-Yves to Quebec (all his expenses will be paid) and they will all stay there at least one full day while mom will stay to take care of Dany.
And they cannot do like the other time and say we changed our minds because they are doing this to help others!
It is now 100% official my parents will leave tomorrow. Dad will drive Irene and Jean-Yves to Quebec and mom will stay with Dany. The day they will be back will depend on the day that the hospital will let Irene go and it will also depend on the time they arrive in Ste-Florence so if this is too late then they will come back the next day.
I am guaranteed one full day to myself at least.
And if all goes well when the insurance will give us what they owe us they will go on a real vacation to their best friend's house where we lived for a long time in Sain-Hubert.
I do not know how long I will have by myself but I will cherish that time!
They of course were doing their best to get to me since they have no idea when they will be back, for once it did not get to me at all, I did not want them to ruin the peace given to me.
One thing I forgot to mention is that there's a possibility that the hospital do not keep Irene so they may be back tomorrow (in my province they love to throw people out of hospitals even after huge surgeries) but even if that is the case I will of had most of today's afternoon, one night, one morning and a few more hours to myself.
One night and one morning at the least is the minimum I have been asking and I finally have it and maybe more .
Nancy, I pray that whatever mount of alone time you get, your peace level will be very high. This used to be the case with me when my mom and grandmother were alive. They would each try to get to me like it was some big game. Then they would pick at each other until that got me. It was horrible.
I am glad you are not in this atmosphere anymore. It is truly an awful place to be in.
The worst with my parents is yes they have always been horrible parents but suddenly one day they decided it was not enough then turned into complete monsters. At first it was my dad then when my mom saw it was working she started and it just became a game for them.
Plus they never changed what they were doing before so I have a lot to deal with.
I'm just thankful that at least since October 6 of last year I am living in a city that I love. Before I hated where we were living so it was a complete hell. Now at least there is one positive in my life.
I have had plans to move out since I was a teenager at the least and here I am at thirty-eight years old still living with my parents who have made my life a hell since the day I was born.
When my dad came back in July of 2009 saying that he had left his job (which by the way me and mom were employed at - long story) I had more than 16000$ aside so plenty enough to stay near Montreal and get my own place without stressing about finding a job quick but stupidly I followed and this is when they turned into complete monsters and also thieves because they stole my savings (got it back because someone set our house on fire and the insurance gave us a lot of money for our lost house so they could pay me back).
Now I am working on getting rid of the laziness that I got while not finding work so staying home all the time, hopefully in the meantime the insurance company will give us what they owe us for our material things and I will get more money like that.
When I do move out I may have enough to even get out of my province which have been another dream of mine. But even if I stay in this province at least I will be on my own.
Even if I would have a good or even better relationship with my parents living with our parents forever or a long time is not healthy. We all have to find our own way and have our own life.
No stress, no sarcastic remarks, no cruel remarks, no spying, no screaming, no arguing, no threats and nobody pushing my buttons.
I went outside for a minute or so just to add something else to the recycling bin and doing that I felt when I was walking back to the house that I was in my home which is hard to feel like when the atmosphere is always tense or worst.
The best was doing my night routine and morning routine like that. I also was able to stay a long time in the kitchen yesterday and while eating breakfast this morning. I often just stood in front of a window and just look at the water, the beach, the animals and the rest of the view. Also going to bed in a relaxed home was so cool.
My parents came back yesterday but it was when I was in bed so I had the whole day to myself.
None of them did what they normally do to get on my nerves but they did made a lot of noise, it was easy to know for them that I was in bed with all the lights being off (i actually always close the lights when i change room and know i wont be back there for a while which angers my mom for some reason but the quit kind of made it obvious i was in bed) and no noise in the house.
I decided yesterday to keep a chart on how much they push my buttons. I do that with my dreams, what I eat, what I do and the weather so I won't have any problems doing that too plus it could help me somehow.
For a rare time in her life my mom stood up to my dad. They were outside working on the yard. Two days ago we went in Rimouski and they bought a grass trimmer that is powered by gas, it is too big for my mom and dad bought it saying that he would use it. So they went outside before noon (mom first) and she used our electric grass trimmer and she let dad use the new one. He was complaining when he was trying to put it together and he thought he had it but turns out he put it backyard so he asked mom to do it and she said no that she could not use it and that he had bought it for him so it was up to him to figure it out. Before that she was keeping it steady when he was putting gas in it and he was complaining trying to get her to do it and she said no and a few other things. She came in about an half hour ago and he is still outside working. The only yard work he has ever done in his life is lawnmoyer, leave raking and shoveling snow. He hates being wrong and having to do things by himself. He also wanted this house because of the huge yard.
Mom was saying a while after getting back inside that he could be surprised and end up with a divorce soon, she started saying that about a year after we moved from Saint-Hubert to Ste-Florence so in 2010, of course it is never to my dad's face. I always find these speeches funny.
Just for the fun of it I sent an email to a company that does yard work and also provide grass cutting a few minutes ago, they do free estimations. Maybe these things does not cost a lot even with big yards. I do know that even if they would do it for less than 10$ they would say that it is too much, mom because she really would think that and dad because for him it would be looking like a fool.
Mom has said many times these past months that she wants to sell the house. Must be because she knows I fell in love with it when we first saw it. They were like this is so cool for our daughter that she will have a fully paid house without any need for renovations and now it is we have to get out of here (dad too is whining about this place - i know soon it will be more than just having a lot of work to do outside).
Since we got the money for the lost house we have been debt free. The house was paid cash and besides painting, changing some floors, getting rid of the oil oven for a wood oven and maybe build a second bathroom (it would be where i have been sleeping since the first night) there is no work to be done on it. Normally that is the dream of many people and the people who are in this situation are happy but not them, it is like they are going crazier because of this. They are trying to find ways out of this. Mom yesterday said that we need to get a new roof eventhough that roof has no problem and looks great.
Mom has been complaining a lot lately about her health issues. I cannot wait when we get our next big insurance check to hear her excuse that she still has not enough money to go see a specialist in Montreal to finally know what is going on with her. I am betting it is not what they say she has (severe gastroparesis). Plus she often takes blood tests and everytime it comes back saying that everything is normal; how is that normal for someone who has not been eating a lot for more than two years? This is crazy!
40 buttons sounds like almost a whole computer! My grandmother used to do that until one day she was trying like crazy and I just stared at her. She kept yelling but she became very unnerved by it. Try it -- don't talk -- just stare them straight in the eye until they break eye contact.
I went outside a few minutes this afternoon and ended up walking around with my mom. She whined about one of the house we visited and said that she would of preferred that one instead (of course she never said it when we visited it and after since dad her master said he hated it) when we were near the beach. Then in the house she made threats about moving soon or them (my parents) dying over this house. Oh and outside I mentioned the companies who cuts the grass and she said no way it's too much costly and I said maybe not and anyway if the insurance gives us a lot of money there will be no problem putting some aside for years of getting the yard work done and she said again that it was not possible (i will get some here to do free estimations - theres no way that it costs more than 100$ even with a big yard like ours - then ill sit down and watch the new excuses both of them comes up with).
Sometimes I am able to completely ignore them and when they realise that they are so angry.
The last time I was able to do that was a few weeks ago with my dad. I was doing something in the kitchen and he made a sarcastic remark about the Dallas Stars (that was when his team Montreal were still in the playoffs - karma got him not too long after haha) and he saw me smirk and not caring at all about it and he was furious (not yelling like his usual when he is angry but still furious). Normally when it has to do with my idols I lose it but when it is done on purpose I never lose it.
I cannot do the stare down with them because they make me so nervous. It is all the years (more than 38) of stress. Even when they are both happy and we are all having a great time I am nervous because they can turn in less than a second in any negative ways there are. I am happy that it worked with you .
I would really hate to live with your parents. They just seem so bitter and needy. Do they ever laugh and have any kind of fun around you or with you? You might ask them why that is.
We used to sometimes have fun. More so with mom who is more opened whether it is just about things (like history or any other subjects) or movies or music or whatever else like that but dad too sometimes. It all stopped in 2010 when it was less than one year after we had moved to Ste-Florence. Then they started stealing from me then it was trying to ruin my credit and then pushing my buttons to make me crazy.
They basically are evil and selfish. I spent about one year before I turned twenty years old in the house without going out once and all I did then was sleep, watch television and cry. None of them cared during that time. They did not even asked what was wrong.
The same when they learned I was being bullied they blamed me.
They used to have small positives and it all disappeared in 2010.
Like my dad before he used to care about what others thought of him so he never treated us badly or did any of his freak outs where people were or could hear but then about two years ago he just decided he did not care about that anymore and he started enjoying treating us like garbage even with people around.
My parents went out to run errands, they came back when I was walking (ignored them - they probably did not liked that - lol) and when I came back I learned that they had bought me scallops and lobster (love seafood especially lobster). They know I have a hard time getting rid of the shells so my mom asked me if I wanted her to do it for me so I said yes. I knew at least one of them would use that and turn it to a negativity somehow which my mom did a few minutes ago (my tennis player lost today against someone i hate and of course they were careful when i came back home - it was obvious by the way i was acting that he had lost). She told me that I should eat my lobster soon and I replied you know I have a hard time getting the shell off thinking that she had changed her mind and she almost screamed I will do it for you, I just turned around and went back to my room. I should of said nothing because the way she said you should eat it soon had a sarcastic and mean tone to it.
My buttons get pushed almost everyday, my stress level beyond count. It seems that the circumstances around me want to hem me in. The harder I try to change things, it seems that the damn brick wall keeps becoming more and more fortified.
I know that feeling too well. It's like there is no way out eventhough you look everywhere for one, all the doors and windows are shut and you cannot break any of them or just open them a little bit.
Well meaning, but totally misinformed people (that are often much better off than you) tell you what you should do. Like you haven't tried all you can think of already. I tell them as nice as I know how that they don't know what they're talking about, they're not even close to being in my position. I know what I really want to say, but don't.
Plus it is really hard to get up every single time you fall and keep on trying. It's like after every hits you have to get back up and climb a ladder but every of those times the ladder gets higher. It then become like the hallway in the original Poltergeist.
Since I decided to sell the house and buy a motorhome and go traveling, my stress level has disappeared. I realized that I had waited for my boyfriend for 2 years (which turned into 6 and no -- he's not in prison or anything just a dead butt), waited for my friend to come from Arizona to Oklahoma where we were going to start a business, waited waited waited. Now they can just wait on me!
I've been planning trips already! My dogs are great little travelers and so are my two cats. Storage of stuff is a problem BUT when I sell the house I am going to have a massive garage sale and get rid of a lot of it and the rest I will donate. Eliminating a lot of stress that way.
I had to cut short my breakfast because my dad went to watch dubbed movies. I can tolerate when it is movies I have seen (barely since dubbing is a torture for me) but not when I haven't seen it and this was what happened this morning.
I was writing an email and she came down to get her purse saying that she is going to a place and that if someone calls to just take the message and I told her that I am about to go walk and this is when the sarcasm came in (i did not told her that with an attitude or sarcasm or anything negative i simply told her that i would go walk soon).
They still have not come back so they decided to run a few errands after my mom's thing to do.
It is so peaceful that I am enjoying this.
I sighed a sigh of relief when I was coming back from my walk and did not see the truck parked in the driveway.
I was able to get ready for my walk in peace (i thought i could no do that with dad sitting watching a dubbed unseen movie) then I did a few things on the computer and ate a few things upstairs while watching the water and listening to the outside sound (i opened the patio door).
They are coming back soon, mom called when I was writing the sentence above to ask if I wanted some McDonald's.
I cannot wait for the insurance man to call and say how much they will give us, then I will know if my parents will go or not see their best friend a few days. I know dad really want to show off his new car and mom wants to see her because she is much older than they are and she has started to talk about selling her house soon to go live in an apartment. So only their need to drive me insane will stop them from going.
I was eating my McDonald's and she came in to give me the rest of her fries, that was a nice gesture especially since this is my favorite restaurant but she ruined it by saying that she had washed her hands three times before eating the fries she ate which meant that I at least said one time that she is either disgusting or never washes her hands which is something that I have never said.
My dad decided when I was eating breakfast to go to Ste-Florence and mom decided to go with him so I will have a few hours of peace today. They left at around 10:00.
Instead of staying in the house and letting them so terrible to you, you might think about getting out and going for coffee somewhere, or to the library or a museum. Maybe just sit in the park. I wish I was closer. We could have coffee somewhere.
This is why I will start driving again soon (way too nervous when i drive so i stopped driving - did not want to cause an accident or worst). At first I will have to drive with my dad in the car then when I will know I am 100% ready to drive alone I will have a way out.
My stress was so high today. I'm trying to get all things washed and put away. House cleaned, carpets shampooed. Realtor is coming Friday to take loads of pics for the internet and newspaper.
Yes, getting a house ready to show is very stressful. My stress level has to do with family history. I have so much paper; I'm overwhelmed. Piles are everywhere.
Is your son being abused by a girlfriend or wife? If so then poor him has society against him in addition of her. Men cannot win in situations like that. If they do nothing they are considered wusses and if they defend themselves they are considered women beaters; that is if they are believed. It is sickening!
I had a few hours of peace today. Both of my parents went to Rimouski. They left during my Tennis match and came back after my walk (before 10:00 + after 13:00 = 2 full hours and some minutes).
And my parents are happy because they find something today to stress about where there was nothing to stress about!
Close to two years ago the government of our province had sent us a letter talking like we had a land somewhere and after a lot of freaking out over a few days mom asked Gisele (the friend who took us in after the fire) and she made calls and then explained to mom that it was just a mistake. Today at around noon we received a registered letter just like that other one about a house but this time it was written that if it was not ours to just ignore it and of course they did not.
I went out with dad a while and during this time mom called someone in our family and she got a call back (they hung up to call around) saying the same thing. Mom is now upstairs explaining all that to dad and he is talking loudly while mom when she was talking on the phone was laughing like she did not stress about this at all.
They have been looking for stress ever since we became stress free and when they find nothing they just invent something.
Our insurance company has not even paid us for our material things yet and this is real stress but so far they have not at all stressed over this.
I think I'm going to have an heart attack if I do not die from all that stress!
I was just writing a last email before taking my shower and one of my parent got up to go to the bathroom and I jumped when I heard their door opening and a few minutes later my heart is still pounding. Almost every day something like that happens. It was happening in Ste-Florence too, it started at least one year ago.
When my parents almost do nothing to push my button it just shows that they can actually not do these things. My mom last year the way she was talking about it when I dared confront her about it said that they could not help it, she almost described it like they had an illness that made them act this way.
If one day they both do not try one thing to push my buttons all day long I probably will faint from it!
So I was parking my car in a tight parking lot on Sat and clipped another car. Small dent, some paint scratches. I left my number the way I'm supposed to. Today I got a call from the insurance. This is what is supposed to happen, but part of me wants to whine because it's just a dent and some paint! Oh well, at least I did the right thing. A bit more stressed than I was before I got the phone call.
Nancy --- my grandmother was extremely critical of me and was a real button pusher until the day she croaked. It was a huge part of the way she was raised. I don't think she would have stopped otherwise. Pure evil to raise a kid that way.
The worst is with my mom because she can see when other people are cruel and she hates it but she cannot see that she is like that too. My dad is just pure evil who enjoy pain unless it is to him. Plus both are just not able to accept blame for anything, even if it's just to admit that they dropped something on the floor like a pen or something like that they would never admit it was them who did it.
And their mood change so easily and fast. My dad was angry since he saw his father's day gift and my mom was ignoring me since I got up today and suddenly after 12:00 both of them became happy and stopped acting these ways with me (but it did not stop from pushing my buttons - its like they realised they had not done it often the past days and they were like making up for it).
For your grandmother did you have people in your family that protected you from her?
Hi Nancy --- no one protected me from her. Mom was too busy creating a new family (that wouldn't last either). I think Mom was in denial. There's a crack that runs through my family.
Sorry about that. There are too many people who should not have kids but who do anyway. At least I can say with pride that I never had any kids, I know that I would be an excellent mom but just in case that I would do things without realising it I decided not to do that. Maybe one day if I am completely cut off from my parents and the rest of my family and my life is on the right path I will adopt (getting too old to be pregnant + theres too many people anyway).
About two weeks ago mom called an agency that protects buyers (of everything) in my province. The man she spoke with sent us a form and that form is a complaint to our insurance company (our agent is nice but she too has been ignored by the man who is supposed to give us our money). Monday we mailed it and ironically while we were out our agent called, she did call back after we were back and mom did not want to answer but dad did and he told her that they would receive a letter soon. This morning while I was sleeping our agent called and she said that the man would call this afternoon.
I have no idea what will happen when he calls. Both my parents kept saying for months that they would never accept a small amount but since mom was serious about that dad decided to accept even if it is a small amount. If we do get paid it means that finally it is over and also I will get at least a small amount of money to add to my 20000$. Plus it means that what they said they were waiting for to go visit their best friend where we lived for more than twenty years will be done so no more excuses.
Both my parents actually want to go this time (mom to see her friend and dad to show off his new car) but their pleasure to kill me bit by bit is very strong so I have no idea if they will go or not.
One thing is for sure: If they say they will go but do like they did which is not go I am out of here and they will never see me and have any contact ever again!
The insurance man never called back. Thanks to the Post Canada tracking number we saw that the company received our complaint, hopefully that idiot will be chewed up or it is already done.
This morning I ate my breakfast very fast because dad was watching television, almost 100% of my breakfasts here when dad is awake too have been like that so no surprise there, at least today he did not go to a channel that made me get out so I was able to eat what I wanted but it was fast and stressful.
Three sounds made me jump tonight, two of the three made my heart pound a few seconds, the scariest was the third.
I was able to have the end of my breakfast in peace, at first it looked like when my first two toasts were in the toaster (i prefer 1 at a time but dad was changing channels a lot which normally means dubbed movies coming soon) I would of had to go downstairs with it and then it would of been all but he decided to let go of the dubbed movies when I was putting butter on it and then closed the television before the second was over.
I had a few hours of peace in the house because both my parents worked outside. And a miracle happened when they were back, it took my dad a few minutes to open his television.
I did not have to hurry in the kitchen once due to what dad was watching the rest of the day.
My parents visited some family for a few hours today, they left when I was going upstairs after getting up and they came back late afternoon. They thankfully did not do anything to push my buttons before leaving (they often do it when im in bed) and before I started my night routine they both got in bed so looks like I got my two routines in total peace (still a chance that 1 gets up for whatever reason before im in bed). They of course almost immediately started when they came back but at least I had a few hours of peace which is better than nothing.
Both my parents sure made up for the hours they were away yesterday! Not only are they pushing my buttons like they normally do they made fun of me twice by talking about going to where we lived many years (the first time both were going at it for minutes even with mom saying that if it werent for the insurance she would of went there with my aunt and uncle who are in town visiting their mom a few days and dad said to her its ok we will go soon anyway - the second time it was just dad talking about Montreal)! And they also had an argument almost ending up yelling at each others in the parking lot of a store! There's one hour and eight minutes to go before I start my night routine plus that to go on, I hope all they will do until I'm in bed is push my buttons their normal way, I won't wish for them to not do that because I know it's impossible!
I'm getting better from the summer virus and don't feel as stressed out - I hate lounging on the couch watching videos, but it is a distraction from bodily pains!
Nancy ** I'm worried about these parents of yours treating you like this. Have you tried to get them into a program of some sort to prevent them from abusing you? Verbal abuse is still abuse. This counts as elder to you.
For them to even consider seeing a specialist they would have to admit they have done at least one thing wrong and that's something that they cannot do. They cannot even admit they dropped something so if one day one of them admit to being a bad parent world peace would be in effect or money will grow on trees.
Even me offering them a vacation two years ago (something they both wanted) was received as a negative for them. It was like I had punched them or poisoned them.
I am messed up (the greatest example of that is me still living with them) but I should be worst than I am now. I have no idea why I am not worst than I am. I also am wondering why I have not had an heart attack with all that stress, now everything can make me jump up and almost always now also when that happens my heart beats very fast. I am basically afraid of my own shadow.
As of now I cannot leave since the insurance still owes us money. My things were at least worth 50000$, I know I won't get this but I am pretty sure I can at least get 10000$.
The man who is at fault for us not getting our money from the insurance just called and said that he would be here in less than two hours. I had to call the cell phone of my dad because my parents left after 10:00 to go to Rimouski. So my parents are coming back and we will know soon what the hell is going on. He seemed not happy on the phone but nice too, he must of gotten yelled at because of the complaint or given the order to finish this and fast.
So the idiot is gone now. He basically told my parents that us three are liars. He thinks that CDS nobody has these things anymore so since the start he never believed we had this many (i had 1000 or more or at the least close to it). As for my things he only believe that I had the Mercedes items for Michael Schumacher and a few other things from the Dallas Stars (only what he could see from the last 7 years for my visa and 3 years for my master - this is the only thing they could give us) and he said (i was downstairs but with my door opened so i heard everything) that for the rest it is not true. And also for our furniture he does not believe that the four storey house was not completely furnished.
He asked for my parents to bring the receipts of everything we have bought so far to our agent (tomorrow its Canada Day so itll be the next day) which basically means that if we do get money it will probably just be what he have bought.
The irony of this all is that before we got this house my parents insured it with them (that was before we started having problems with them - they really were quick for the house) and this two storey house and what it has inside is insured for a total that is more than 500000$! They cannot pay 200000$ for what we paid to be insured for which was a big house fully furnished and with lots of other things in it but apparently if this house is lost to a fire we will have half a million dollars !
My parents left at 7:57 and came back at 12:05; one of the things they did was take the receipts to our insurance agent, they did not told me how it went but my guess is well since she is nice (she is also a victim of the jerk who is making things difficult and calling us liars).
I am very stressed right now. My house is not cooperating in getting it ready to market. Also I shopped yesterday at the grocers and bought a peach as one item. I put it on My counter and it is gone. I live alone. I looked everywhere! Grrrrr.
Our insurance agent called today (we were not home but mom called the agency a few minutes after we were back). She does not work on Friday but today she came in and with the help of someone else she scanned all our receipts to the man in charge, my parents did not want her to send it by mail because it is the original and they do not trust the idiot with it (we do not have copies). So the moron has what he asked for now we have to wait and see if he will come up with something else or an offer, he cannot ignore us again since we posted a complaint against the company.
My mom just fell in the bathroom. I was watching a new movie and had to go see what was going on because of course dad did not move at all eventhough he was in the living room which is close to the bathroom. I knocked on the door and she answered normally so I said oh I though you fell and she laughed saying that she did in the bath and again dad did not move at all. Good thing the movie I was watching sucked but I never stopped myself from watching a movie (except once many years ago - i had no choice because i was too sick) and I watched a lot who ended up being awful. This happened about five minutes ago and I am still shaking, at least my heart is beating normally. Her laughing about it is awful because she does not care about herself and me too because she knew that I was scared for her but she has been like that since I was born and she has never cared about me either. The movie is playing again tonight and I'll watch the end then, it's not how I had planned my night but I want to see the rest eventhough it sucks.
I made a mistake, the movie is not playing again tonight so I'll have to wait eventhough I was sighing and looking at the time this will just get on my nerves!
She just came here and she told me that her feet lost control when she entered the bath and she ended up hitting her back and head and she also ended up underneath the water. She told me I just had to stay here like dad and do nothing. She also things it's hilarious.
This along with many other types of stress has been my life since birth and how I am not insane or more mentally affected by all this is a mystery!
Nancy, I am sure she was frightened when she fell. She may disguise her fear by laughing but falling is not a laughing matter. She will probably be very sore tomorrow and you need to watch her because, when she hit her head, she may have hurt herself more than she realizes.
Until this year she has always enjoyed being in pain. Her favorite story of all time is when she had an allergic reaction to a coconut pie and she waited one week to go see her doctor, she always lights up with pride when she gets to the part of her doctor saying with shock why did you wait so long to get help. The only time I have seen and heard her show that she did not like it was a few times these past months about her (thats what they say she has but who knows if its true - the doctors here are idiots to say the least) extreme gastroparesis but some of that is her just whining to get sympathy from me.
My dad realised what happened a few minutes ago, I was in the kitchen making some food and she was walking holding her back and he asked her if her back hurt (thats a miracle in itself that he asked that and he was not even laughing) and she told him what happened and that I who was downstairs heard it and came to look if she was still alive. He of course did not react (that too is a miracle because normally that makes him laugh).
She took two aleves (shes allergic to aspirin). She says that her back and shoulders hurt mostly but her head hurts too of course.
The bath is on a platform so it is high. We do have a shower but both my parents hate taking showers. The way it's installed too handles would be pointless to install because she could still fall since it would be too far from the bath for her to hold onto to get in and out.
If one day I am able to break free it will probably take me years to finally have a day where I am fully stress free (anything makes me jump up and makes my heart beats fast and that of course does not include all the other symptoms of having 2 people like my parents has parents) but at least they would not have any more impact on me!
I was already more and more stressed and anxious the past years and since my mom's fall yesterday it has been worst. I started about two years ago having my heart beating fast and/or being scared by little noises or sounds and since last night almost every sounds and noises have at least made me jump.
My mom looks to be okay besides being in pain. She hit her head pretty bad so she's lucky. The worst pain is on her right side since this is where she took it the worst, especially that elbow. And of course no signs of anything except not caring at all from my dad.
I can't figure out how those two unfeeling parents of yours ever fell in love! They seem so odd. I pray that you do break free of them and start living a very happy life.
They are not in love with each others. Maybe my mom was at the start but I highly doubt my dad ever was.
My mom was looking for a master and my dad for a slave so they are perfect for each others. They had children because they felt they had to and if that is not their reason I know it is not because they wanted kids because otherwise at least they would of tried being parents.
For them they think they are good parents because one they cannot ever do no wrong and also because we always had food and a roof over our heads, they think that's the only job of parents.
Mom just said another of her I don't know if I'm going to be dead soon speech. This time she whined then said that she will go to bed now and not know if she'll get up or just die there.
It was her choice a few years ago to wait months to seek medical help when she started having more problems with her stomach then it was her choice to keep coming back to doctors who did not know what they were doing then it was her choice to accept a diagnostic along with there's nothing that can be done about it and then it was her choice to keep serving dad and working hard every day in and outside the house.
She has always been like that so it's not when she cannot eat anymore and is in pain every seconds that she will stop doing that. In the beginning she was happy about it and she just started saying these things (like earlier i don't know if ill get up or die in the bed) last year when she saw that I was not worried about her health anymore (she has said many times and 1 time with a witness that it was not my business the health of my parents) and until her fall I really did not care anymore but with that remark I again do not care.
Oh and of course dad was there when she said that and he did no care at all, if she would of said that then went to bed before serving him his supper he would of cared but only because he wanted food.
Even with my mom looking like death my dad still thinks that she will live as long as he lives to serve him or he just thinks that I will take over as his slave.
I just heard her talk with dad so she is not taking her maybe last nap.
It's a shame that I do not play violin, I could play it when she whines. I would of course not talk like that if she would be someone who took her health seriously and who did not enjoy being sick.
She has been on the phone for a few minutes and she just criticised my grandmom for acting just like she does (it was then followed by something else that she does and while im typing this its something else). One of her talent is seeing the faults in others but not in herself, it always enrages me when she goes off on someone about something that she herself does.
Still no news from the insurance (my parents went where we lived a few hours [they left when i was sleeping and came back after 17:00] and 1 of the thing they did was get our receipts but our agent had nothing new to tell them).
When I was in bed the insurance man called and gave my dad an offer that sucks but looks like they will accept it (you never know what they will do until they do it then it can turn in many different ways with them).
The offer is 35000$ and 10000$ would be mine (i have 20000$ aside already). First we were insured for more than 200000$ (+ thats the only bill that they were paying in full and on time every months) and our four stories house was fully furnished with a lot of decoration, books and so on. And my things were probably worth 50000$ (at least close to it if not more).
They could ask the organization that takes care of consumers to do something about it and that won't cost us anything and we would at least get a little bit more (i know we would never get what we were insured for) but again with my parents there's no way which way they will go so who knows.
The papers of the offer will be mailed to us then it is my parents to either accept or not.
So far they had given us 45000$ (that was done a little after we moved here) so that will be a total of 80000$ for our material things.
That sucks but it could be worst.
Plus they have no debt. The house and everything else is fully paid off plus they were able to pay off all their debts to two banks and their credit cards. So we do not a lot of other stuff for the house plus all that is needed left to do is paint and change a few floors. Yes it would of been nice to change that oil stove (we are not using it) for a wood stove (if they are careful this actually could be done) and have a second bathroom done downstairs but still having a roof over our head and no debts is amazing (they are not dealing with this very well).
If they would be normal people I would take my savings and do a few things in the house but no way I will do that especially since in addition my mom keeps making threats of selling the house and dad could very well have that idea too one day. I won't even install a spa or pool outside.
And it would also of been nice to be able to stay here because with my savings I would of been able to rebuild my Shumi (a lot is not available anymore sadly), Stars (there too a lot is not available anymore and CDs collection plus at least get my face done by electrolysis but I cannot stay here for too long because I will die (i still have no idea why im not already dead and still have my sanity left).
I'll wait until they accept and I have my part then I'll decide when I'll do. One thing is for sure is that if they say they are going on a vacation and then change their minds I am out of there (id do it like a friend said i should which is wait until they are out for a few hours and leave then without telling them before).
I always have dreamed since I stopped being a separatist (because of being brainwashed as a kid) to leave Quebec and my guess is that 30000$ is enough to get a new life in another province; at least I want to be away from them.
So I will wait and see if they accept then I will wait to see if they are going on their vacation so I can too have one or move out immediately if they again change their mind.
Wow Nancy ... your parents had a slow day tormenting you. Were they gone or just busy at home? Whatever it is I hope they continue to find something else to do.
I had a few days lately where they only tormented me during the day which for me is the best I can have.
They actually can not torment me even when around me and they have done it a few times (dad did it today when he was driving me - he did not do anything to torment me at all during all the time we were alone in the car - i even was able to talk normally with him which is a miracle).
We received the offer today and my parents decided to accept it, I know that because all three of us have to sign it and I was asked by mom to go add my signature in between theirs but they still remain themselves so they will either mail it or tear it to pieces, I will know tomorrow if they really accepted it or not.
Dad mailed the accepted offer this morning. So now we are waiting for the money and I am waiting to see if they will go on a vacation so I can too have one.
Mom sent me a few sarcastic remarks this morning. One was about me making a mistake on the calendar (i wrote my next appointment on the wrong day) then it was about her having said earlier she'd go to the drugstore later today (she was saying that she would maybe clean either outside or inside and i said that she said that she would go run errands and that made her angry and then it was followed by a sarcastic remark) and for the last it was about a plate I had washed last night (some food was left on it).
Dad went to dubbed movies on purpose several times today when I was upstairs.
And all that does not include when they were pushing my buttons. They probably realised that they went easy on me for a few days and that I had a few mornings and nights of peace so they had to do their best to try to erase all that. I have had a few bad days lately which is the best I can have here and they cannot let that go on obviously.
Our agent called today and mom talked a little bit to her then it was my dad who talked to her. She told my dad that it is not because we all signed that it is over that we still can ask for more (that would of course mean 0$ until it is all done) but the worst is that she told my dad that even if we take it if we buy things that we had that they would give us some money back and after he hung up he was talking about all the things we will buy, mom told him that it would not be worth it to buy 50000$ and get maybe 10000$ back but my dad looked way too excited about that part of the phone call. I hope it does not mean that we will be back with debt like we spent our entire life until the fire.
Before that a friend (the only normal person in Ste-Florence) came here a while to visit. She did not bring Toby (her Golden Retriever) because she came with someone that he brought to the hospital for treatments that lasts hours, it would of been fun for him to see me (he has not since the day we moved here) but very boring for him the rest of the time. She says that the next time she'll bring him.
Looks like dad abandoned the idea of buying a lot of things to get back a small amount of that money. He sat down with mom and looked at the maximum they would give for everything we had and he finally realised that it is basically a joke and that we would lose. But again with both of my parents you never know what they will do until they have done it so he can very well change his mind.
I am starting to feel more and more the effect of the latest insomnia I am suffering. The past twelve nights I only slept well one night. I do not feel that tired but I make a lot of mistakes and it takes a lot of time to understand when someone talks to me.
I woke up about one hour before my parents and while I was toasting my second toast the toaster broke (still working but you have to keep your hand on the thing because it gets back up otherwise). I had an appointment but did not know how long it would take so my parents dropped me off then went to a store, they told me to call when I was done so I did and then the hell started. When I called they had a toaster on sale in their hands but decided to put it back and then come get me instead of buying it, we went to two stores before going back to that store and all that time my dad was whining about the toaster and when we arrived back there the last one was gone and he was angry and said let's check the rest of the shopping mall, at the end of that mall we found a store that had toasters and he was not talking at all so mom asked me to pick on and I did. Of course he was angrier by the minute. After that they went to a vacuum store and for a few minutes I went to check a store next to it, when I went there mom asked me if I would be okay with that vacuum and she pointed one, I looked at it and I started to tell the seller why I hate vacuuming and dad cut me off and said we'll take it. He then made a scene in the car when mom asked him if we would stop at the farmer's market in Sainte-Flavie (about 2 or 3 weeks ago i said it would be nice if there would be a farmer's market and he said there was 1 in Sainte-Flavie every saturdays and we were supposed to go there that next saturday and when there were a few minutes left for me to be ready to go he changed and went working outside then last week nothing about it). Later he made sure he was watching a dubbed movie when it was time for me to make food.
You seem to focus on everything that is going wrong - but there is so much in your life going right.
Billions of people went to sleep starving tonight. They have no food. Is it really that bad that your father is watching a dubbed movie? I love dubbed movies. What is so awful about that?
With all that is wonderful in your life, maybe think about why you focus so much on the tiny things that are not quite right?
Dubbed movies are torture for me (it was even when i was a separatist) and my parents of course know that. I do not blame my dad for choosing to watch a dubbed movie since he only speaks French but he often watch one just to get on my nerves and that is cruel.
And since almost everything in my life is a negative how can I just focus on the positive? Positives that by the way only came because one or more person set my house on fire which right there is twisted.
I know that a lot more people have a worst life than me. My god is fighting to get back to what he used to be that is if he is not seriously brain damaged and cannot do that. And I also know that at least millions of people are suffering worst than me. It does not mean that my life does not suck and it does not make me an awful person because I focus a lot on the negatives of my life.
And if you think my negatives are tiny come here, just one hour of less in the company of my parents and I guarantee you that it will send shivers down your spine and it will take you a while to get over it; then I invite you to imagine having them as parents then live with them every day for more than thirty-eight years!
It doesn't sound like everything in your life is negative. You talk often about having food to eat that you enjoy, buying clothes, buying things, and watching shows you enjoy. You have SO much in your life right now. But you discount that all.
Why?
You don't have to live with your parents. You now have money. Move out. You are choosing to stay in an environment that you then allow to bother you. Why?
I cannot enjoy anything as long as my parents are right there doing things on purpose to make my life miserable. The only time I 100% know they won't do anything is when I am watching the Dallas Stars and that's because they know for this I do not let anyone bother me when I watch them, for them and Shumi I have a backbone, the other times I am too weak to have one with some exceptions like the second full day we were here (stood up to both of them and none were able to win that).
I am owed my part of the next insurance settlement so I cannot go anywhere until then.
And again I have more than thirty-eight years of them being cruel to me in many different ways, I cannot get over it overnight just like I cannot pick myself up overnight. Plus I have a depression and I was the victim of bullying.
And that November 9 2009 date that ever since then every day has been a hell and no days has been normal or at least average is still going strong, try that one of these days and see how you feel, if you can still focus on the positives if you have some and/or just move on I will applaud you and say you were right.
Yes a lot of people were tortured or went through something worst and were able to still move on and focus on the positives; I know all that and no I cannot do that, I am not like that!
At 16:04 my parents left for Ste-Florence. We left to run a few errands after 13:00 and a while after that one of my uncle killed himself in his garage. He was my favorite uncle until I learned he was a drunk driver, I have not cared about him since then, I hate criminals and I do not make exceptions with family members. A few minutes after we came back my aunt called and about an hour later my parents were gone. They are sleeping there tonight and are supposed to come back tomorrow. It's not the way I wanted some peace but I'll take it (when we were living in Ste-Florence i was left alone 3 times - the first was when the remaining brother of mom was dying and the second was to finalise everything and bring his ashes with them so it was not completely fun for me - the last should of been fun since they were visiting a friend but the morning i woke up alone a tooth hurt and it only stopped hurting the day they came back so i spent that entire time except the few hours it took for them to arrive back home the last day in a lot of pain - i did have that entire day to myself this year and hopefully ill get more soon and not because of something awful that happened and not while being in pain).
When I got up my parents had left and they came back after 19:00. When dad was in the bath I went upstairs to do the day's dishes so not to have too much before starting my night routine and when he got off he of course went straight to the television and a few seconds later to a dubbed movie but I only had about a minute of dishes to do so I did not have to open the fan (that thing has helped me to get food - if it would not be there to drown the dubbed movies i would of had countless hours to wait downstairs before being able to get to the kitchen) to finish.
This afternoon mom again went off on grandmom for things that she herself does (not being loving + being someone who it is hard to talk to + getting angry at people easily + seeing someone who does not agree with her as being disrespected and hated + trying to control everyone around her) and then a few minutes later she asked me with a cruel tone a question and then when I said no she tried to force me to do it.
As for dad three times I had to deal with dubbed movies while in the kitchen but none of those times it was done on purpose.
I had a few hours of peace today. They were gone before I got up and they came back after 15:00.
So far (dad is still up which means that my bad day could turn to a very bad or/and i will have to deal with other things) I had to deal four times with dubbing.
Good news today! Stephane (1 of the 3 sons of the uncle who killed himself) called this morning and he told my parents that tomorrow he is leaving for three days (he is taking a fishing trip - he is about to lose it - he is the 1 who found his dad and it took 30 minutes for the ambulance to show) and he asked them if they could stay with his mom and brother and they said yes! They still do not know if they will stay there one, two or the three nights but at the least they will stay one night so that is at least another full day to myself!
One level above than yesterday. My AC is not working properly and the man who was given money to fix the problem is not attending the phone. I'm so disturbed. I wish that I might have not given him money before getting satisfied. :/
Mom this morning looked like she was about to die. Turns out she only ate half a toast yesterday and she was wondering why she was feeling so bad. She even asked me and dad if it ever happened to us and I did not say anything (dad too). Then after eating a few toasts she started to feel better and she finally realised that it was because she basically did not eat yesterday.
Dad started a few times troubles with mom (once by laughing at her + once over a lotto ticket + once about our insurance settlement check not being here yet) and two times (the first was in the car alone with me then when mom was there too) and I did not gave him the satisfaction by helping him and agreeing with him. Mom of course let him walk all over her and two times (about the insurance check + before when she asked him a question and he just walked outside completely ignoring her) she defended herself but again of course it was just to me while dad was not there.
And a sound tonight scared me and it took me a few minutes to stop being nervous.
Last night after I came here I had to deal with dubbing two times, and three sounds scared me. When I was in bed one sound scared me and I heard my dad drop something and I was afraid it was broken (we have 1 bear that is solar and 1 SpongeBob & 1 Patrick & 1 pineapple house - most of the time all except the house is on a window and for once i did not took it off there and closed these curtains and dad did without taking it off first - i got up to see if it was broken and it was not - its a miracle he actually bent down to pick what fell).
Today I received two cruel remarks (the first was both my parents basically saying that i was a complete idiot - the second was from mom), I had to deal with dubbing four times and one sound scared me.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing five times, I received a look from dad (he looked at me with hate), I got two remarks against me (mom compared me to someone she hates + dad invented an excuse to not wait for me to run errands evenhough i said i did not want to go) and mom tried to invent some drama when I was in the bathroom doing my night beauty routine (i came out and she was at the kitchen table and she had put a pillow and blanket on dads chair - i was supposed to feel sorry for her because she wanted to sleep on the floor but i did not so a few minutes after i was in bed she went to the bathroom and went back in their bedroom). Seven things (6 were sounds - the other was dad the way he was sitting on his chair it looked like he had dropped dad there) scared me.
Mom pushed my buttons 4 times (+1 when i was in bed) and dad 33 times.
I met with the group this morning to discuss a project. I stress over preparation and making sure have included all facets of the project in my instructions.
Yesterday dad freaked out and caused a fight about this with mom (again about the government sending important papers to our old address - he tried for what seemed 1 minute or 2 to talk to someone then said all go to hell and he hung up and went straight to mom upstairs like it was her fault that it happened to her and that she is not taking care of that for him) and mom tried to make my dad understand something that he already knows (he keeps on making noise when she is sleeping - she showed him how to close and open the bathroom door without making lots of noise - he basically laughed in her face - as long as its not him that is woken up he does not care and thats not at his age that he will start caring). Six things scared me (4 were noises).
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing four times and my parents gave each others one look (they decided to go to Ste-Florence the next day and after going to a grocery store before coming back and when i learned that i asked them to bring some green onions so i could make fried rice with the chicken they had bought before coming back home [they were gone before i got up and came back at the start of my breakfast - it took seconds before my hell started again] it was like i had asked for something that was impossible and they were also annoyed). Five things (3 were sounds) scared me.
I had a few hours of peace today. They left before I got up and came back before 17:00, seconds later it was back to normal which is them driving me crazy on purpose.
There is no number large enough for my stress level right now. Taking care of aging parents, final paperwork (flattered that they chose me, but...) Finally got a part time job, trying to finish my second novel, wanting to help my oldest son out of an abusive relationship...shall I go on?
We got the insurance check Monday and tomorrow my parents are going to deposit it in Amqui (they say they dislike the people working in the 1 closest to us) so I should have my part tomorrow. It is a low amount they are giving so my part will be 10000$, I have 20000$ so in total I will have 30000$ which is a very nice amount.
By the end of this year I will decide if I move out soon or stay here longer (only positive from that will be more $ for when i do move out).
Until then I will wait and see if they go on their promised vacation they also want to take. If they say they go but again change their mind I will immediately start the moving out process when that happens.
I don't normally smoke, but when I get super stressed all bets are off...
I was in the shower in my bathroom with the exhaust fan on and a small spider crawled toward me...I blew smoke on. It scampered away faster than you can blink an eye.
It's a shame that you smoke especially when you are stressed.
Pepsi and salt are my addictions. I have to drink Pepsi every day (i even went a few years where i drank it at breakfast) and you do not want to know how much salt I use!
I don't smoke all the time...I wished I'd never ever picked one up in the first place when I was a teen. It makes things taste like...well...I'll drop it very soon. I guess I need to find another stress relief. I don't like it. I love salt too.
It's movies when they are made into another language. I hate that so much that I hated it when I was a separatist, that is why I learned English. I do watch movies of languages I do not speak but only when subtitles are available.
French. I was born and still stuck in Quebec so I basically hate that language because of this. If it weren't for separatists I would not have that feeling towards this language. I was brainwashed as a child to hate everything that is not from here which is the faith of every child born here in families that only speak French.
It must be very hard and like you said confusing trying to learn two languages at the same time!
I thought so, but in this day and age you must ask. The world is a melting pot. I'm sure the French are not the only ones that instill hatred (and not all French do)...
I found Spanish so much easier. It's very phonetic.
Yeah. I was lucky I had the same teacher for Spanish II and French one so when my responses became muddled she understood.
In other countries that speak French the people there do not act like Quebecers (except in Paris - must be where our ancestors come from).
Everything is about separation with these crazies. And they say French is important but most do not speak and write it correctly. Plus they love to make fun of the accents of people who learned it and at the same time criticising the ones who do not speak it.
They also love to attack businesses that make sure are fully bilingual. Last year they tried to run out of business a small restaurant run by two old ladies for decades because they had one decoration with one word in English. And not long after they went after a woman who has a business online and that time it was because some of her customers had left critics in English on her Facebook page. The two old ladies had a lot of support and they won like that, the woman picked an attorney and soon after they said they would make an exception for her.
I don't understand how people can be so viscous. You respect and care for your elders. I can't tell you what I'm thinking about those that would do such a thing...
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing four times and I stopped myself from going upstairs one time (it was late and i wanted to cook 1 last thing before starting my night routine - i just did not want to again have to open the oven fan at the max and have to stand there so i waited until the tv was closed to go up in the kitchen - turns out mom too was watching whatever dad was watching).
Mom pushed my buttons 5 times and dad 60 times (+2 when i was in bed).
Nancy, is there another room near your bedroom that can arranged like a private sitting room for your use? You can put in a small easy chair and a TV so that you can watch TV or read or write.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing three times, mom gave me an attitude two times and she complained to me one time (about her glasses - she was supposed to come to where dad and i went to take an appointment for herself but of course going blind is apparently a better option).
Mom pushed my buttons 4 times and dad 46 times (+6 when i was in bed).
I almost broke my new glasses a few minutes ago! I was taking them out the case to clean them and they fell on the kitchen floor which is ceramic! Lucky me nothing broke! Just got them Monday!
I had a few hours of peace today. They were gone before I got up and came back a few minutes after my morning routine was over. I cannot remember the last time I had a morning routine in peace, must be in July when Rafael Nadal was in Hamburg, if I had one or more after I cannot recall.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing two times and mom complained one time (about being in pain just by chewing gum but about an hour earlier she was talking about that [just chewing gum as food today - except for the toasts as breakfast] on the phone with pride and she was also laughing about it).
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing six times (+1 time when i stopped myself from going upstairs because of this - wanted some ice cream before a new movie but did not want to have to open the oven fan just for that so i stayed here instead), mom bothered me one time, she gave me a look one time and she ignored me one time.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing four times, mom ignored me four times, she had an attitude one time and she complained about dad when he was not there four times.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing five times, mom bothered me one time, she had an attitude with me one time, she complained about dad when he was not there three times, she ignored me three times and dad asked a question for me but to mom while I was just there one time.
Mom pushed my buttons 31 times and dad 10 times (+5 when i was in bed).
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing one time, dad ignored me three times, he was angry at me for an opinion I had one time, mom ignored me seven times, she bothered me one time, she complained about dad when he was not there two times and I stopped myself from going upstairs one time (all there was left to do was the dishes then get the things ready in the bathroom and start my night routine - did not want to have to open the oven fan for the dishes so i just waited it out - it took less than 1 hour).
Mom pushed my buttons 21 times and dad 39 times (+1 when i was in bed).
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing two times. Dad pushed my buttons 7 times and mom 6 times.
I had a few hours of peace yesterday. They were gone before I got up and back after 18:30. They went where we lived and drove an aunt to two appointments and then came back. They of course almost immediately started again (took seconds) but a miracle happened, dad actually ate and then opened his television (he sometimes go there before the bathroom so that shows how he is addicted to his tv) he is looking more catatonic by the day when in front of the television.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing three times, dad ignored me one time, mom had an attitude four times, she ignored me nineteen times, she complained about dad when he was not there three times, she tried to put me in one of their fights (this was almost all day long with them either fighting or insulting each others or sending sarcastic remarks to each others) one time and she made a threat to dad but only to me because he was not there one time (she made sure to say it softly in case he would hear from upstairs).
Dad pushed my buttons 103 times (+1 when i was in bed) and mom 38 times.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing four times, dad had an attitude one time, mom gave me a look one time, she ignored me three timed and she had an attitude three times.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing eight times, mom ignored me three times, she had an attitude two times, she complained about dad when he was not there three times and both of them had to talk behind my back then wrote me a note left on my side of the kitchen table about the time we would leave for Matane today.
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing two times, dad doubt something I said one time, he complained about mom when she was not there one time, mom had an attitude three times, she ignored me seven times and they both tried to force me to do something one time.
Dad pushed my buttons 117 (+ 1 when i was in bed) and mom 58 times (+1 when i was in bed).
Yesterday I had to deal with dubbing four times, dad ignored me one time, mom had an attitude four times, she ignored me three times, she complained about dad when he was not there one time and she tried to start a fight with me one time (that time instead of just ignoring i stopped her - she tried to act like she was ok with that then about 1 minute later she got up went to the bathroom then to their bedroom slamming the door).
Dad pushed my buttons 11 times (+1 when i was in bed) and mom 5 times.
Dad started working outside before I got up and he still is there but no worry for them because mom stayed in the house and doubled what she normally does so that I cannot have a peaceful morning routine and also be stressed to the maximum (she even said something stupid then looked straight at me waiting for me to say something about it and i did not but i gave her 1 you have got to be kidding me look)!
I was thinking lately that I would have to stop writing down everything they were doing to me, it was good in a sense that it highlighted everything but it was driving me more crazy (the worst was when i had no paper with me - i kept saying in my head over and over the numbers and what it was). So before the end of the year I would of stopped but last night they did something so despicable (dont want to talk about it - i stormed downstairs so angry that they actually did nothing else that night and made sure to not cross my path) that I decided right there it was the time to stop that.
Right now I will keep on working on what I started at the end of January and do my best to ignore these monsters!
I will keep on doing the countdown to them saying they will go on vacation but I have 0% hope they will do it.
Just got an excellent news! My parents will go spend the night in Ste-Florence and come back the next day, it's not a long time but I will take it and enjoy it! An aunt has an appointment early Tuesday and they decided to instead of getting up very early to go there to then drive her then come back home (its about 1 hour and a half to drive to Ste-Florence and the appointment is in Rimouski which is about the same from there here its about 40 minutes away)! !
I woke up before they left (a short time after waking up the phone rang and i heard mom say that dad would eat then they would leave) so I decided to wait until they left which took about one hour but before leaving dad pushed my buttons one time and he did it very loud. A few minutes after the door closed I got up but before I had time to go to the bathroom dad came back for a set of keys and he pushed my buttons one time while closing the door.
They came back after 18:00 (mom called after 16:00 and said they were leaving Ste-Florence then would stop in Mont-Joli at a restaurant). Dad pushed my buttons two times and I had to deal with dubbing one time. Mom pushed my buttons two times, she ignored me two times and had an attitude one time.
My parents just left for a few hours (mom has an appointment + they will run errands + visit). Today it's like they won the lottery because normally early morning I'm still sleeping but this morning I have a Tennis match (supposed to start at 9:00 but 1 hour and 30 minutes before his start time 2 women started and its just the start of their second set) so they had fun doubling down to make due for the peace I will have today.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing one time, he ignored me one time and he pushed my buttons 9 times (+1 when i was in bed).
Mom = She ignored me six times, had an attitude two times, bothered me one time, whined about the actions of someone but did not realised she too is like that one time and pushed my buttons 7 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing one time, he was insulted one time (i dared to talk against his man [thats how he calls that psycho] Harper then he laughed at Trudeau and was angry that i was not insulted and angry) and he pushed my buttons 23 times.
Mom = She ignored me three times and pushed my buttons 2 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing one time and he pushed my buttons 28 times.
Mom = She bothered me eight times, had an attitude four times, ignored me two times, freaked out one time (she gave me my birthday gift in advance - the shock was that it was things that i wanted - she almost threw it on the floor so i thought it was it but i saw that 1 of the things was there 2 times so i told her thinking that Sears had made a mistake and that she did not realised it when she picked it up but she was on the phone and acted like it was ok and when she was off the phone she came here to explain it was her that bought it 2 times so i explained to her that it would be wasted money because i needed just 1 [sheets - she got me Minions bedding and a Minions throw and a Minions towel] and that was the freaking out - she almost screamed then after i said that it would be a waste of $ she threw her arms in the air and stormed out - it looked like she was in 1 of her silence episode later but she was ok) and pushed my buttons 6 times.
Dad = He gave me two looks and he pushed my buttons 90 times (+2 when i was in bed).
Mom = She ignored me thirteen times, had an attitude three times, freaked out over the second set of sheets two times, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons 33 times.
Both = They freaked out about the second set of sheets one time in a store.
Mom = She freaked out over the second set of sheets one time, ignored me seven times, doubt something I did and said one time, complained about dad when he was not there four times, had an attitude three times and pushed my buttons 6 times.
Mom = She had an attitude one time, ignored me two times, doubt what I said one time, complained about dad when he was not there one time and pushed my buttons 14 times.
Both = They laughed at me one time (they were in the kitchen and me in the bathroom which is in the same storey).
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times and he pushed my buttons 23 times.
Mom = She had an attitude four times, complained about dad when he was not there one time, bothered me one time, made a sarcastic remark two times, ignored me three times and pushed my buttons 10 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons 28 times.
Mom = She gave me a look one time, made a sarcastic remark two times, had an attitude four times, ignored me five times and pushed my buttons 22 times.
A good day with little stress. And any stress I have experienced has been brought on by me trying to do too many things at one time. So, all in all, it's a good day!
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing nine times (+ 1 when i was in bed) and he pushed my buttons 81 (+ 1 when i was in bed).
Mom = She ignored me two times, had an attitude two times, talked to me like I was a moron two times and pushed my buttons 12 times (+1 when i was in bed).
I almost was pushed over the edge a few times yesterday, at one point I almost hit myself!
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing twelve times and he pushed my buttons 45 times.
Mom = She interrupted me one time, tried to force me to do something one time, ignored me four times, had an attitude two times and pushed my buttons 16 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing six times, he tried to bring me into a fight with mom one time and he pushed my buttons 107 times.
Mom = She interrupted me two times, had an attitude five times, gave me a look one time, bothered me two times, ignored me five times and pushed my buttons 34 times.
Dad = Had to deal with dubbing six times and he pushed my buttons 54 times.
Mom = She had an attitude three times, gave me a look one time, ignored me one time, insinuated that I do not know how to wash dishes one time, made fun of dad when he was not there one time and pushed my buttons 9 times.
Dad = Had to deal with dubbing ten times and he pushed my buttons 61 times.
Mom = She had an attitude three times, interrupted me one time, gave me a look one time, ignored me one time, tried to force me to do something one time, talked to me like I was an idiot one time and pushed my buttons 4 times (+2 when i was in bed).
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing three times, he ignored me two times, he had an attitude one time and he pushed my buttons 120 times.
Mom = She ignored me six times, bothered me one time, had an attitude one time, made a sarcastic remark one time, was aggressive one time and pushed my buttons 26 times (+2 when i was in bed).
Dad = Had to deal with dubbing four times and he pushed my buttons 44 times.
Mom = She complained about dad when he was not there two times, ignored me one time, interrupted me one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons 12 times.
Yesterday (got half of some peace time yesterday - dad went to Amqui for a few hours - he left before i got up and came back about 2-3 hours after my morning routine was over):
Dad = Had to deal with dubbing two times and he pushed my buttons 51 (+1 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She ignored me two times, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons 10 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons 203 times.
Mom = She bothered me six times, complained about someone while not realising she acts the same way one time and pushed my buttons 83 times.
I also had a big scare last night. I was doing my night beauty routine and I heard what I thought was my mom whining in pain then it was like she was talking and whining again, I waited a while then went to check upstairs and downstairs then waited to see if I could hear something from their bedroom but nothing. I was shaking when I came back in the bathroom. I have no idea what that sound was if it was not what I think it was.
Dad = Had to deal with dubbing ten times and he pushed my buttons 55 (+2 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She imposed herself on my walk then before we went she complained sarcastically that I was taking too much time to get ready, she ignored me three times, interrupted three times, complained one time, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons 18 times.
Dad = Had to deal with dubbing nine times, he interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons 51 (+1 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She asked me if I wanted her to go walk with me and I said no and when I was going downstairs she complained about that to dad, she interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons 26 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing two times, he interrupted me one time, teased me about going to a vacation with mom one time and pushed my buttons 90 times.
Mom = She bothered me one time and pushed my buttons 21 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing thirteen times and he pushed my buttons 39 times.
Mom = She ignored me three times, had an attitude one time, weeks ago she told me to told her when I would be ready to do something in my bedroom (install butterflies on 1 wall) and yesterday I told her and she was angry and said well I'll help you if I am still alive and she pushed my buttons 11 times.
I forgot (sorry about that - this was not something that happened to me anymore and it suddenly started again - my stress is higher lately so its no surprise it has started again) to mention that four noises scared me.
Yesterday (had 1 hour and 12 minutes of peace - only dad came back and about an hour later mom called and he went to pick her up - he left before my walk and they were back when i came back from it):
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing five times and he pushed my buttons 25 times.
Mom = She bothered me one time, gave me a look one time, made trouble a few times about something (she asked me if i wanted to go to Rimouski before my appointment of friday so i said not wednesday and she went to her room saying that she may not go friday then she came back and said tuesday would be fine because i said that i would not be able to go wednesday then i told her to wake me up if she would be sure because i did not want to wake up early for nothing and she had said she was not sure then she said she was sure after asking dad a few times like a child if it was ok to go there that day and i said ok ill get up early by myself then later she said she did not want to go anymore) and pushed my buttons 14 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing three times, he interrupted me two times, had an attitude two times and pushed my buttons 147 times.
Mom = She had an attitude two times, tried to make trouble one time (she is taking every cents when they buy something in cash and asks me to cash it for her - she asked me if i thought that knows and i said i dont know - it was asked with a smirk in her face - she has done this many times since i was young and everytime whether dad knows or not he has never asked her to give that money to him and she always ends up giving it to him), asked dad one question a few hours after I answered her after she asked me one time and she pushed my buttons 20 times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he interrupted me one time and he pushed my buttons 83 times.
Mom = She ignored me four times, had an attitude two times, complained about dad when he was not there one time and pushed my buttons 33 times.
Also thirteen (+3 when i was in bed) sounds scared me, four things scared me, freaked over nothing three times, almost had a panic attack one time and wanted to hit myself one time.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing six times, he laughed at me and mom one time, ignored me one time and pushed my buttons 76 times.
Mom = She had an attitude three times, bothered me two times, interrupted me two times, ignored me one time, whined to me one time, whined to me and dad one time and pushed my buttons 60 times.
Also three sounds scared me, I freaked out over nothing three times and one thing scared me.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing five times and he pushed my buttons 62 (+3 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She had an attitude one time, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons 11 times.
Also forty-five (+14 when i was in bed) sounds scared me, I freaked out over nothing twenty (+1 when i was in bed) times, seventeen things scared me and I was close to a panic attack eight times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times and he pushed my buttons 51 times.
Mom = She bothered me four times, ignored me four times, complained about dad when he was not there two times, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons 12 times.
Also eighty (+9 when i was in bed) sounds scared me and thirty-seven (+3 when i was in bed) things scared me.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he ignored me one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-twenty-eight times.
Mom = She ignored me two times and pushed my buttons fourteen times.
Also one-hundred-fifteen (+16 when in bed) sounds scared me, ninety-nine (+4 when in bed) things scared me and I freaked out over nothing fifteen (+2 when in bed) times.
Only one more shopping day available. I have wrapped and wrapped today. Tonight I will lay everything out and make sure all the bases are covered.
I have enjoyed myself whenever I have had the opportunity to visit someone during the Christmas season. I'm especially happy that I visited my friend in the nursing home. She has MS and is totally paralyzed.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing seven times and he pushed my buttons seventy-five (+1 when in bed) times.
Mom = She ignored me two times, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons ten (+1 when in bed) times.
I stopped counting everytime something or a sound scared me and all those other things yesterday during my walk; I was not even in the middle of it and already more than fifty things had scared me, about half of that number of sounds had scared me and I even was close to one panic attack!
As for writing down everything my parents do to me I gave myself a date and if by that time they have not told me they will go on vacation or they have not gone one full day I will stop doing that too.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing eight times, he tried to start drama one time and he pushed my buttons ninety-one time.
Mom = She tried to get pity from me two times, bothered me one time, ignored me one time, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons sixty-one time.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing seventeen times, he gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons eighty-six times.
Mom = She had an attitude three times, whined to me three times, ignored me two times, gave me a look one time, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons thirty-two (+2 when i was in bed) times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing two times, he interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons ninety times.
Mom = She bothered me one time, gave me a look one time, whined to me one time, ignored me one time, made fun of dad in his back one time and pushed my buttons forty times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing nine times, he interrupted me two times, laughed at me one time and pushed my buttons seventy-three times.
Mom = She had an attitude four times, ignored me two times, whined to me two times, interrupted me one time, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons sixteen times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he interrupted me three times and pushed my buttons two-hundred-twenty-eight times.
Mom = She interrupted me two times, tried to get some pity from me one time, had an attitude one time, ignored me one time, whined to me one time and pushed my buttons thirty-eight times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-fifty-five times.
Mom = She had an attitude four times, ignored me three times, gave me a look two times, acted like she learned something eventhough I told her about it two times, whined to me and dad one time and pushed my buttons twenty-nine (+2 when i was in bed) times.
Those parents of yours sounds so frustrating! I just think it might be better to quit counting how many times they push your buttons and realize that they will never change because they think this awful attitude has worked for them for so long. When my Mom left the house for the last time before going to the nursing home, she did a lot of these behaviors -- just staring when talked to, giving attitude, etc. Turned out those were signs she was just not connecting with what I was telling her and that was the way she covered up so she didn't have to admit she was failing.
Both of them are doing all of that on purpose and they also are enjoying it.
It is getting worst by the day and that started a few months ago.
First they want to be in debt again, they do not like at all that we have money aside and zero cent owed to anyone. That right there is a perfect example of how screwed up they are. I thought that when they started making their plans to be in debt again (in their heads it would cost too much to pay a painter to pain the walls and ceilings and to buy a tractor to cut the grass of our huge yard BUT they are making plans for 2 solariums which would both be heated and for at least another small building on our yard to put stuff in eventhough we have a big garage) but if that will calm them down it would be that they are actually in debt not just thinking about it. Then there's me who stopped showing them that what they are doing is working, sure it shows that I am a stressed mess but I do not show it when they are doing things on purpose, that is making them angry. And mom who spent all her life being proud of being sick (her favorite memory is when she was young and she waited 1 week to go see a doctor after she had an allergic reaction to a pie when she always got to the part where she was telling what the doctor told her when he saw her swollen face which was why did you wait so long she always had her face full of pride) and always told me (and my brother when he was alive) starting very young to not worry about her (and dad too - him too waits too long to seek medical help IF he does at all), when I finally stopped worrying about her and she realised that last year then she suddenly after more than fifty years started to complain about being sick.
I am making sure my plan is perfect before I leave. First I want to make sure that I get a job before my savings runs out (and i have to get a place that a minimum wage job would take care of that + food + etc) and I also want to make sure they cannot find me after I am gone.
In the meantime I am working on myself and I am putting money aside.
As for writing down everything they do to me I have a set date when I will stop doing that. Sometimes it is driving me more crazy than what they are doing. I also probably miss a lot since I am not always with a pen and paper near me so I have to remember and keep counting everything.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing one (+1 when i was in bed) time and he pushed my buttons seventy-four (+7 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She ignored me three times, complained about dad when he was not there one time, whined to me one time, interrupted me one time, tried to get pity from me one time, laughed in dad's back one time and pushed my buttons seventy-three (+1 when i was in bed).
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing four times and he pushed my buttons forty-nine (+2 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She interrupted me two times, acted like she learned something despite I told her one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons twenty-one (+3 when i was in bed) times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing nine times, he gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons sixty (+2 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She ignored me six times, interrupted me five times, talked to me like I was a child one time, whined to me one time, complained about dad when he was not there one time, made fun of dad in his back one time and pushed my buttons thirty-seven times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing thirteen times, he gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons fifty-eight times.
Mom = She ignored me nine times, had an attitude two times, interrupted me one time, bothered me one time, acted like she learned something eventhough I had told her one time and pushed my buttons forty-four times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing five times and he pushed my buttons sixty-eight (+1 when i was in bed).
Mom = She ignored me five times, whined to me three times, interrupted me three times, made a sarcastic remark two times, gave me a look one time, had an attitude one times, acted like she learned something eventhough I told her about it one time and pushed my buttons thirty-six (+1 when i was in bed) times.
Dad = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons one-hundred-twenty-seven (+1 when i was in bed) times.
Mom = She had an attitude three times and pushed my buttons twenty-seven (+2 when i was in bed).
Starting today I will separate by three what they do to me (this is how i rate my days [my complete morning routine + day + my complete night routine] when they do things 1 part its bad when they do things 2 parts its very bad and when they do things all day its horrible). Now at one point if I am still here I will stop doing that but for now I will continue (it is all documented like that - yes it drives me crazy sometimes even more but that documentation helps me prove how they are + it will be in their letter with everything else i want to say to them [always dreamed of facing them when i will cut them off my life but i know it will just be another opportunity for them to abuse me so like that they will not see it coming so no way for them to ruin this and also i will be able to tell them everything i want to tell them] that they will find after im gone forever) but I set a date before that time and if they have not told me they will take their vacation or they at least have to leave an entire day I will stop this before then.
Dad (start) = He pushed my buttons thirty-five times.
Mom (start) = She pushed my buttons twenty-two times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons two-hundred-twenty-six times.
Mom (middle) = She whined to me five times, had an attitude three times, acted like she learned something eventhough I had told her two times, ignored me two times and pushed my buttons fifty-two times.
Mom (end) = She pushed my buttons four times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons two times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons one time.
Not bad. I was a little worried that due to the wind we might lose power. But, I decided not to worry about that. A good settled mood throughout the morning and I hope it follows into the afternoon,
Yesterday I decided before getting up to not write down everything they did to me that day. The night before we had no electricity and it still had not come back when I got up, I had no idea when it would of come back so I did not want to add more stress to that situation.
Yesterday I decided before getting up to not write down everything they did to me that day. The night before we had no electricity and it still had not come back when I got up, I had no idea when it would of come back so I did not want to add more stress to that situation.
Mom (start) = She ignored me six times, whined to me one time and pushed my buttons ninety-five times.
Dad (start) = He pushed my buttons sixty-four times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing five times and he pushed my buttons one-hundred-eighty-four times.
Mom (middle) = She whined to me three times, ignored me one time, had an attitude one time, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-twenty-eight times.
Mom (end) = She pushed my buttons one time.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons five times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons three times.
Dad (start) = He pushed my buttons one-hundred-thirty-seven times.
Mom (start) = She whined to me two times and pushed my buttons sixty-one times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing seven times and he pushed my buttons two-hundred-twenty-nine times.
Mom (middle) = She whined to me and dad five times, ignored me three times, had an attitude one time, tried to get pity from me one time, gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-twelve times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons seven times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons two times.
Mom (start) = She ignored me five times, tried to get pity from me two times, gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons twenty-nine times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he gave me a look one time, ignored me one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-sixty-seven times.
Mom (middle) = She complained to me two times, tried to get pity from me one time, bothered me one time, ignored me one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-ninety-four times.
Dad (end) = I had to deal with dubbing one time and he pushed my buttons three times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons forty times.
Mom (start) = She bothered me three times, whined to me two times, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons sixty-nine times.
Dad (start) = He pushed my buttons fifty-seven times.
Dad (middle) = He gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons three-hundred-sixty-five times.
Mom (middle) = She tried to get pity three times, ignored me two times, doubted what I said one time, whined to me one time, interrupted me one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-forty-four times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons seven times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons three times.
Yesterday (for a very short time they were both outside [first dad went to run errands and then mom went walking] so i had some peace time):
Mom (start) = She ignored me five times, whined to me three times, tried to get pity two times, gave me a look one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-three times.
Dad (start) = He tried to get pity one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons eighty-two times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing two times and he pushed my buttons two-hundred-twenty-five times.
Mom (middle) = She whined to me six times, tried to get pity five times, ignored me one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-eighteen times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons two-hundred-one times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons eighty-three times.
Yesterday (i had hours of peace - they left at around 8:00 [i was in bed but thanks to these maniacs doing their best to drive me crazy i was not sleeping] and came back after 17:00):
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons one-hundred-twenty-seven times.
Mom (middle) = She ignored me two times, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-three times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons nine times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons three times.
Yesterday I took a break from writing down everything they do to me. They came up with a new way to drive me crazy and it's insane to keep track of it when they start, often they will do it for hours only taking breaks of a few seconds or when I am lucky a few minutes which is why the counts have been so high lately.
Start = Before I went to eat my breakfast a man came in the house (my parents picked him to do the renovations that are not needed and will bring them back into debt). I am very shy especially when I eat so I was waiting and finally when they were both outside looking at the back porch I went upstairs to eat. After a while they (dad was out walking - he left before i got up and came back when they were finishing outside on the front porch) came back inside and he could see that I was uncomfortable so after drawing the plans he said let's go outside to finish so that your daughter eat in peace. So again complete strangers have compassion for me and not my parents.
Mom (start) = She had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons eighty-five times.
Dad (start) = He tried to get pity one time and pushed my buttons four times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing two times and he pushed my buttons three-hundred-twenty-six times.
Mom (middle) = She had an attitude three times, ignored me two times, tried to get pity one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-thirty-nine times.
Mom (end) = She tried to get pity one time and pushed my buttons four times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons one time.
Mom (start) = She bothered me one time, whined to me one time and pushed my buttons twenty-seven times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing fifteen times, he gave me a look two times and pushed my buttons seven-hundred-one times.
Mom (middle) = She had an attitude seventeen times, complained to me four times, tried to get pity four times, gave me a look four times, ignored me three times, whined to me two times, interrupted me one time, talked in dad's back one time and pushed my buttons five-hundred-ninety-one times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons thirteen times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons five times.
Mom (start) = She tried to get pity three times, ignored me two times, interrupted me one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-seven times.
Dad (start) = He pushed my buttons seventy-nine times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons three-hundred-fifty-nine times.
Mom (middle) = She whined to me six times, ignored me six times, had an attitude five times, tried to get pity five times, complained to me two times, talk in dad's back one time and pushed my buttons three-hundred-twenty-six times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = I fell asleep everytime so I am not sure but I know it was more than twenty times that he pushed my buttons.
Mom (when i was in bed) = The same thing but I am sure that it is more than ten times that she pushed my buttons.
Tomorrow my parents will go sleep in Ste-Florence but the next day dad will come back and mom will stay a few days. She wants to go help an aunt (she has a kid that is still living there and him too is handicapped but mom decided a few weeks ago that she does not care about him anymore - she keeps on talking against him and telling my aunt to force him to help her and she even talks against him to my aunt too).
So I will have an entire day to myself and a few half peace days. The scary thing is that when one is out (that is even for a few minutes they do that) the other one picks it up and at least double what they normally do so one gone may be worst than the two here.
Mom (start) = She talked in dad's back one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-fourteen times.
Mom (middle) = She tried to get pity twelve times, ignored me seven times, had an attitude six times, whined to me six times, bothered me one time, complained to me one time, interrupted me one time, gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons five-hundred-twenty-six times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing three times, he gave me a look one time, ignored me one time and pushed my buttons three-hundred-nineteen times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons eleven times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons seven times.
Yesterday they left while I was sleeping. Mom left me a note on my kitchen table's side that said that she would be back Saturday and then she finished it with the words and dad then put a question mark. She probably did that on purpose to either scare me into thinking that he would be back the same day or/and give me the hope that he would stay there with her the entire time. Anyway the peace and quiet is awesome!
Yesterday dad left while I was in bed, he was supposed to come back with mom but they did not. It was a nice surprise but they did not call so for a while I was worried they gotten into an accident but then I thought about them having their identity informations on them so if that would of happened cops would of told me. Them not calling is so typical but this time it was done on purpose like mom's letter to have me worried so that my time alone could be ruined or at least partially ruined. When night came I was worried they could come back since they did that one time when they went there for an aunt but when it was close to midnight I knew I was in the clear. The quiet is so peaceful!
Mom (middle) = She gave me a look one time, had an attitude one time, ignored me one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-forty-two times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing two times, he tried to get pity one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-seventy-two times.
When I was in bed = I could not keep up with these monsters, when it started I fell back asleep before I could write the first number down, they kept on banging the floor like they were doing the morning they got up early to go to their appointment in Amqui, it did not stop for hours and then it started again (they must of been tired from all that banging) until dad left for a walk (that he came back from when i was doing other things on my computer) and mom went in her room to talk on the phone.
Dad (start) = I had to deal with dubbing one time and he pushed my buttons ninety-eight times.
Mom (start) = She interrupted me one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons fifty-two times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he ignored me one time and pushed my buttons three-hundred-fourteen times.
Mom (middle) = She had an attitude five times, ignored me five times, tried to get pity one time, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-forty-one times.
Dad (start) = He pushed my buttons one-hundred-twenty times.
Mom (start) = She ignored me three times, gave me a look one time, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons ninety-seven times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing three times, he tried to get pity two times, talk behind my back one time and pushed my buttons six-hundred-sixty-nine times.
Mom (middle) = She tried to get pity five times, whined to me three times, complained to me three times, gave me a look three times, ignored me two times, had an attitude two times and pushed my buttons six-hundred-twenty-six times.
Dad (end) = He pushed my buttons three times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons two times.
Mom (start) = She had an attitude two times, ignored me one time, tried to get pity one time, complained to me one time, gave me a look one time, bothered me one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-seventy-three times.
Dad (start) = He tried to get pity two times and pushed my buttons one-hundred-eighteen times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing two times, he gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons four-hundred-fifty-seven times.
Mom (middle) = She complained to me two times, ignored me two times, bothered me one time, tried to get pity one time, talked in dad's back one time, had an attitude one time, was angry at me because I had made a mistake one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-eighty-eight times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons twelve times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons ten times.
I took a break fro writing it down yesterday, I am asking myself right now if I will start again one last time today or not, if I am not back here tomorrow morning it means I did not start again.
Mom just told me they will do like a while ago, them going to Ste-Florence and dad coming back the next day and her coming back a few days later. So if it's true I am guaranteed at least one full day to myself then a half peace time for a while then a few hours off (i would be surprised if this time its the same with them coming back the day later).
I'll take that like I take every seconds of peace I can get !
Mom (start) = She tried to get pity three times, complained one time, gave me a look one time, ignored me one time, had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-fifty-four times.
Dad (start) = He tried to get pity three times and pushed my buttons seventy-four times.
Mom (middle) = She tried to get pity six times, talked to me like I was an idiot five times, interrupted me three times, whined three times, ignored me three times, complained two times, had an attitude two times, bothered me one time, teased me one time, gave me a look one time, tried to force me to do something one time and pushed my buttons six-hundred-eighty-four times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing two times, he freaked over nothing three times, gave me a look one time, tried to force me to do something one time and pushed my buttons six-hundred-twenty-four times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons sixty-seven times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons thirty-three times.
Dad told me today that he will go sleep in Ste-Florence tomorrow instead of getting mom Wednesday, I hope he was not teasing me or just saying it to be mean!
Start = I had to deal with dubbing one time and he pushed my buttons twenty-one times.
Middle = I had to deal with dubbing four times, he had an attitude seven times, tried to get pity three times, gave me a look one time and pushed my buttons three-hundred-nine times.
When I was in bed = He pushed my buttons five times.
Mom (start) = She bothered me one time and pushed my buttons one-hundred-fifty-six times.
Dad (start) = I had to deal with dubbing one time and he pushed my buttons sixty-six times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing three times and he pushed my buttons three-hundred-nine times.
Mom (middle) = She whined one time, freaked over nothing one time, had an attitude one time, complained one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-sixty times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons one-hundred-twenty-two times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons forty-seven times.
Dad (start) = I had to deal with dubbing six times and he pushed my buttons one-hundred-six times.
Mom (start) = She pushed my buttons thirty times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing seven times, he gave me a look one time and he pushed my buttons four-hundred-ninety-five times.
Mom (middle) = She whined three times, ignored me three times, had an attitude two times, gave me a look one time, complained one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-twenty-one times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons sixteen times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = I had to deal with dubbing one time and he pushed my buttons six times.
Dad (start) = I had to deal with dubbing five times and he pushed my buttons ninety-nine times.
Mom (start) = She had an attitude one time and pushed my buttons thirty-two times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing six times and he pushed my buttons three-hundred-sixty-nine times.
Mom (middle) = She gave me a look five times, had an attitude three times, complained two times, whined one time, interrupted me one time and pushed my buttons two-hundred-fifty-eight times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons seventy-six times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons forty-eight times.
Yesterday I could not keep up with them, I realised in the afternoon that it was not the correct numbers so I just stopped for that day. Plus they were both supposed to go at least to Amqui because dad had an appointment but mom did not go and dad came back very early. They both were completely despicable yesterday, it was one of the worst days since we came here, only two other days were worst.
Yesterday (had some peace - they left for errands in Price & Mont-Joli while i was in bed and they came back when i was eating breakfast):
Dad (start) = He had an attitude 1 time and pushed my buttons 187 times.
Mom (start) = She pushed my buttons 43 times.
Dad (middle) = I had to deal with dubbing 1 time and he pushed my buttons 770 times.
Mom (middle) = She gave me a look 3 times, ignored me 2 times, whined 1 time, complained 1 time, tried to get pity 1 time, talked in dad's back 1 time and pushed my buttons 359 times.
Dad (when i was in bed) = He pushed my buttons 25 times.
Mom (when i was in bed) = She pushed my buttons 6 times.
I need to stop writing what they are doing to me (anyway theres no way its the correct numbers - i either miss some or mistake noises for them when its not - i even can hear them do something when they are doing nothing!!!!!!!!!!!)!
They not only barely stop (sometimes when theres a full minute without any of them doing anything i can still hear them eventhough they are doing nothing) but they come up with more things almost every day plus now they will often do it together!
Dad is today walking around the house with his sunglasses on and he is walking around like a king or something, mom looks like she is near death but it's not stopping her from doing her best to drive me crazy!
I will try my best to focus on me and what I need to make my getaway from them forever but it is getting harder here since it is almost nonstop!
I learned during the second intermission of my Hockey game that I will again have a half vacation!
They will leave Wednesday and again dad will come back without mom and then go get mom. I am guaranteed at least one night and morning by myself and should get another complete time off when he will go get mom.
If the weather is not awful tomorrow this is when they will leave, their plan is still to have dad come back the next day alone then mom coming back Sunday, everytime they have done that dad has slept there the day before mom came back so hopefully that'll be the case there too. I still wished it would be a real vacation from them but again I will take that peace with pleasure, I enjoy every seconds I can get.
Today they were so disgusting, they kept giving me hate all day long using many different ways!
The weather was ugly this morning so they are still here.
They are still full of hate towards me today but it's a little less worst than yesterday. Also today they are more sarcastic and they have ignored me almost everytime I said something.
I almost had a panic attack thanks to dad this afternoon. It is such a shame that he will be back before mom. With his hate and craziness becoming worst I am actually scared to be alone with him for who knows how long.
I am pretty even today. It's been a tough couple of weeks. However, I am strong and concentrating on my list of things to do. Deep Breaths, Tea, and my pets.
They left this morning. The peace is so amazing. It is especially nice to be able to go upstairs without stress and having to hurry and having to open the oven fan for the noise to drown the dubbing.
I don't know what is going on with dad. He ate nothing when he came back (it was after 20:00 so perhaps he ate something before coming back but him not eating any snacks for the hours he spent on tv is weird - except for at least the last hour before going to bed and the time he takes before breakfast when he gets up he almost always is either eating something or he has a candy of some sort in his mouth) and he also ate nothing this morning (+ he even took most of yesterdays dishes [always let them dry alone after washing it all at night] and put it in its place). I actually thought he was gone since I could not see our truck but I went outside to put something in the compost bin and the truck is there so he left for a long walk without eating anything since last night (when we go run errands he always starts whining after 1 hour of not having eating anything).
I will be stuck longer with dad and mom will be stuck longer in Ste-Florence (her choice - she is still dying of pain and hunger and decides to go help 2 handicapped people)!
Our truck is not starting. Dad was going to run errands and it started normally and after a few inches it just stopped. He can hear the engine but it is not running. He called mom when I was sleeping and called her another time when I was eating my breakfast. He asked her to buy his lotto tickets (that he is worried about) and he tried reading her what the truck book says (theres a light that comes on - it already happened before but these times the truck worked) but since he does not speak English she could not understand so he gave me it and I told him what it said then he tried the truck again and still not running. Instead of calling a garage that is near here he decided to wait Monday and call Ford in Rimouski (they are closed on weekends - not the garages here) so not only will it take longer it will cost more. He was for one year a member of the CAA but he decided to not renew it this year, if he would still be a member the two would be free and maybe even the repairs or with some discounts or at the least even at full price it would be taken care of fast with the two free of charge. And also maybe Ford will not have any time Monday to take care of our car so who knows when that will be done.
Good thing we have lots of food in our house and that every other products and medication needed is available too!
No stress today; we had genealogy round table and grocery shopping to do today. My husband has hockey on - Rangers and Detroit. I'm going to shuffle papers around tonight after dinner. Tomorrow after church and a meeting, I will work at the museum house from Noon to 4pm. There is a special event - Time travelers passport - you download the passport and visit the sites that are participating and have your passport stamped. It should be fun.
Mom called this afternoon and she told dad that if it takes too long for Ford (dad still wants them to take care of it ) to repair our truck that she will come back with our good friend that lives in Ste-Florence.
So got dad a tow early to Rimouski and the repairs were fast because mom called less than two hours ago and he went to get her and they were coming back. She just called and they are in Mont-Joli, they will stop at the grocery store then McDonald's.
I just hit myself on the head. Dad has not stopped banging on the floor upstairs and he has been at it for almost an half hour, when I could not take it anymore I started by hitting my desk and talking aloud then I put on some music but I could not take it anymore and after banging one more time on the desk I just hit myself. He has started to stop for a few seconds but he starts it all over again.
He again almost pushed me to hit myself a few minutes ago. I even mistook noise for him pushing my buttons that is how much on the edge I am right now thanks to that monster.
Right now I am close to another panic attack or at least to hitting myself because of dad again. And before I clicked on submit my mom gave me an order while calling me an idiot in her own special way.
My mom is the one who is meaner today. She is full of hate and almost everytime she has looked at me and talked to me today it was just pure hate in her towards me. And she just told both of us that if one day she is seriously ill she will go to a big city to get help, she has said that many times before without realising the stupidity of it since for about four years now she barely can eat but tonight she finally realised it and quickly said that it was for her eyes. Previously she was on the phone and I could hear her criticise people and like usual it was for things she and dad do.
Dad almost made me lose it today but it's not because he was at it nonstop it's because of the previous days where he barely stopped. He also found a way to talk against cops again, last night he saw something outside (a young woman running and a man driving a car behind her - she then in front of our house jumped into a pile of snow a few times then shivered almost dancing like and went in the car) and he decided today eventhough he does not think it was anything bad to go tell a cop at the station and he was told that nobody is missing and that it was probably nothing but in case to call them if something else happens, he came home saying that and then laughing at the cop and calling them all idiots.
These two monsters just teased me with the vacation I want them to take (and them too wants to take). I immediately went downstairs, both of them were happy and proud of what they just did.
Mom wanted me to show her something quick on the internet and while I was doing it she started to do what she knows is the worst of what they do to me so I stopped this immediately by stomping a foot on the ground, sighing and closing the window. She almost ran upstairs (i normally let them do whatever they do to me without any reactions).
I went with the silence treatment yesterday after the teasing and until this afternoon mom was acting normal and almost nice, dad of course was still acting like his usual self which is like a psychopath.
I was talking to mom and she decided to start ignoring and interrupting me again so I immediately did the same thing and will keep at it until she wants to act like a normal human being (1 of these days i should continue even when she acts normally).
Dad is now acting like a child because he is faced with a problem. The banner with the informations (channel + time + date + name of the show) is not disappearing (he still can change the channel it just wont go). He asked me when I went upstairs so I told him what buttons to push (only tried 2 of the 4) and it will not do anything. Mom asked what was going on and he screamed at her (he knows he cannot scream at me - if any of these 2 would of screamed at me i would of left before entering adulthood), she shrugged it off but now she is upstairs and I am hearing banging on the floor. I told him that when we don't know what to do we call for help but he will never do that, there has always been someone who does something so that his problems goes away. While I was writing the previous sentence mom came down and asked me if she could do the trick I showed her when her television was blank (push for 7 seconds the power button on the receptor [or the box or whatever its called] and then let go and it all comes back) and I told her it would not hurt anything so of course she had to go back upstairs and help her master. Now dad is banging on the floor again so all hell has probably broken loose.
I got a real good news less than one hour ago! They both have to go back to Ste-Florence because mom has an appointment in Amqui and Stephane (a cousin - he is 1 of the 3 sons of the uncle who killed himself and the aunt who is very sick) asked dad to help him move big furnitures and they decided to sleep there and come back the next day so that will give me a full day off! It will help me greatly because they are more than despicable lately and it is always worst with every new day!
I had to wake up my parents because 8:00 was coming and I have an appointment at 9:30 in Rimouski. Dad immediately went to his television and sat there instead of going to the bathroom but he of course had to push my buttons when I came back upstairs, finally he went to the bathroom and now he is eating his breakfast while making sure to bang on the floor as loud as he can. Mom is still in bed so that means I will be stuck with dad for a few hours except during my appointment.
Just learned that they will leave Wednesday for Ste-Florence; mom will for sure come back Saturday and dad will either come back then too (yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!) or Friday or Thursday but the last time he came back the same day at night so who knows!
Today though I did have a few hours of peace, they left for Rimouski and a few minutes later I got up and they came back after 14:00. I would of been sleeping if it weren't that a Bird ended up in our chimney after 7:00 (im still sleeping on an air bed in the basement which is my choice), I woke up from a nightmare (do not remember it - maybe it was something else that woke me up but i did wake up like i was startled) and a few minutes later I heard a sound, it sounded like liquid in a pipe which was weird since both of them were still in bed then I was hearing other sounds which I thought was the electric heater in the next room but then I heard scratching so I knew but at first I thought it was a Bird hitting a window (theres 1 who did that a lot last year - the same window always). They tried getting him/her out before leaving and they were able to do it when they came back (at first it was by opening the small window outside then mom after being back put a net inside then took off the thing [we got the oil stove taken out and are supposed to add a wood stove later and until then it has been closed up] and about an half hour later he/she got in the net then was put outside).
Mom was (they are both still up so its not over for today) the most despicable today and I am sure that if I would of counted everything they did (still doing) she will come up on top, in public in private in combination with dad she barely stopped. The worst is that this morning she teased me about dad coming back sooner than her and today while me being there she tried to convinced him to do it.
It is almost 23:00 and dad is not back yet so it is safe to say that he will not be back today but still I never know with my parents.
I am enjoying the peace but it comes with a cloud over it since I do not know if dad will be back or if they both will come back at the same time. Just like months ago when he left to get her but they decided to come back the next day without telling me, like that they were able to take away some of the joy of the peace I was given.
I have a fine example of how my mom is and this just happened.
She came here with a letter from our internet company and asked me if I knew what it meant, I told her I did not know but that maybe it had to do with the speed and she immediately said no but a few seconds later she says it must be the speed.
Now imagine this happening several times per year since being young and of course this is just one of the many things I have to deal with since being born.
And like he knew I was angry dad starts to bang on the floor with his feet to make things worst (i swear its like they know these things - whether im happy or angry or sad or hopeful - i do not tell them but they know anyway and they are then worst than usual)!
Almost all of my interactions with mom the past months have been negative thanks to her either having an attitude or ignoring me or looking at me with hate or replying with sarcasm or doing what she did on the 26th, less than an half hour ago she acted like I was not even there while I was trying to have a conversation and that was it for me so now I will do with her like I do with dad which is do what I have to do while acting like he is not there so she too will get that same treatment.
I had the bad luck to have my parents answer the census when I was upstairs making some food for tonight; that was dad not understanding anything then mom answering then dad not believing her then mom asking questions then dad answering her like she was a moron. Oh and mom asked me if I finished high school, there was another fine example of their parental skills!
My dad yelled at the poor man who came here to do his job evaluating our house. In his mind it's his fault that we had a huge raise in our taxes. The poor man kept his cool and finally after several minutes of abuse by my dad screaming at him by using logic and facts he was able to finally shut my dad up (what really did it was when dad told him that almost everyone here [not just our city the nearests too] were like him and had made a complaint and asked to have our taxes reduced the man told him that there was a reunion and that the people had listened and understood and that now there were just 6 people with him). Mom said nothing while that poor man was there but after he left she must of gotten scared and she was talking to him like he was right, she even tried to get me in that mess (i was sleeping when all that yelling started and decided to get up during it) but I ignore it completely. He could not even do his job because dad threw him out the house.
Friday I had a few hours of peace (they left while i was sleeping and came back after 20:00 - i had a few hopes that since it was late that maybe they would stay the night there but nope).
Yesterday I almost had two panic attacks.
So far today I have stopped myself from going in the kitchen a few times because of dad watched a movie I have not seen yet plus of course it is dubbed and I also screamed at myself and at the same time hit myself on the head.
My level of stress today was to TRY to make it ZERO! Even though I lack sleep and sleep deprived, I will try hard not to let it get in all my routines for today!
How am I going to do it and doing it right now?
As always, I started my day with prayers and meditation. In meditating, i fill my mind with these thoughts:
Just for today, I will not get angry; Just for today, I will not worry; Just for today, I will not be kind to ALL beings; Just for today, I will not work in all honesty; (The above phrases were are called Reiki principles. A meditation chant I learned when doing yoga.)
Before, when my late husband was alive (Yes. I'm a widow for over 15 years), I would always kiss him on the lips, in his cheek and forehead. Next was my routine exercise.Then, have a hearty yet very healthy breakfast meal. And off to other things I need to do within the day. Keeping in mind and heart the above meditation chant. it sure does wonders not only in personal outlook in life but most efficiently in handling my everyday stress.
In reply about how mothers are: [quote=Nancy Roussy]having an attitude .... so now I will do with her like I do with dad which is do what I have to do while acting like he is not there so she too will get that same treatment. [/quote]
It is best that you move away from her tantrums and attitude. Mentally and physically, she has been through A LOT! You may never just know or understand it but believe me, as a mother too, i have been through those phases in my life where my child, husband and the rest of those around me never undestand. its called hormonal imbalance. Everyone of us goes with such phase, just that mothers like your mom and me has the most triggers than men and other people in this world. Please try to understand her and never be so impatient for really there is 'something going on inside her.' Instead, help her to cope with it by not getting through her. Try not to aggravate her emotions for sometimes this condition in her could trigger untoward physical reactions that we might regret later if we will pursue heated arguments and all.
Best of all, try to make things lighter by hugging, kissing her and have that light talks by talking light conversations like perhaps some celebrity news, pets or any topics that will make her mellow down.;)
I wish and pray, it will work for you, the way it did to me. :)
Both of my parents are monsters. They have always been like that. They enjoy being like that. They once had a few positives inside of them and late 2009 they both decided to get rid of these tiny positives inside them and be full and total monsters.
It is not up to kids to make things better for their parents. I do not care what you suffered in your life if you are not 100% sure that you could be a loving parent then do not have children. I know in my heart that I will never be like them but just to be sure I decided to never have children.
I will finally one day break away from them and when that day come they will never see me ever again and if they do then I will call the cops and lawyers to make sure they stay away. When they had positives inside them I still wanted to get away from them but not like that but now I have no choice. Their goal in life since their change has been to drive me crazy and they almost succeeded. Do you know the feeling when you think your soul is dead? I do and this is what my parents have done to me the past years! I do have the money to make myself a life away from them but I decided to be careful about it because it is not millions I have, I do not want to end up in the streets (by the way if that happens i will stay in the streets instead of coming back to them).
My life is a hell thanks to my parents and they have no excuse for any of the things they did, are doing and will do to me (and to my brother - yeah they had another kid that died years ago and that combined with us 3 coming close to dying in a fire in 2014 and losing everything we had did not wake them up)!
I will always suffer because of them even when I am far away from them; I wish they would of been physically abusive instead of mentally, it would of made things easier to understand and helped me get away from them when I was young instead of losing decades of my life!
I have a perfect example for you when I am nice with any of my parents!
Last night I found on Amazon Canada seeds of beautiful flowers, plants and trees. This is a subject that mom loves so this morning I talked to her about it and she seemed interested so I went back there after my morning routine to check it out again and when I came back upstairs to tell her about it she shut me down saying she was not interested about it and she told me that with an attitude in her voice and face.
So you see now what my parents are? I invite you to come here and deal with them only with kindness but do not blame me if you end up with mental issues thanks to them!
Today they both went in Amqui and in a bank they got a new debt. Their dream here was to have a huge debt but they changed that when they saw the tax bill. At first they said it was better like that but I know them, they want to be in stress and drama so debt is perfect for that. So their plan is to change all the windows and get new balconies (before it was to change the windows + the roof + the roof of the garage + get 2 solariums) it will be less than 50000$ which is way less than they wanted it to be but still debt is debt for them.
They must be on a high from this because they have barely pushed my buttons since coming back!
Less than one hour ago mom came here (my door was closed and she knocked weirdly on it so i knew it would either be fully negative or at least partially) and after waiting a while (she acted like she had to give me a bad news) she told me that she would be going to Ste-Florence and coming back Friday and after saying why she is going she of course like all the other times threatened that maybe dad will be coming back before or maybe not. Then she stayed here and pushed my buttons for what seemed minutes until she left. Plus all the other times I was told at least the day before so I could go to a grocery store and get a few things, yesterday we ran errands in Rimouski and they both knew and did not tell me (thankfully i have enough food and wont miss anything but still why not tell me so i could be sure to have what i need during that time).
I was on the edge often today (1 of those time is while writing this post) and close to a panic attack one time.
Hopefully dad will stay there all that time like the last time!
I am really in awe reading your posts and really wonder that there are really parents like yours. Made me miss my oldies more. I dont wanna brag coz it will only add up to the hurt you are feeling. How I wish you are my own daughter(I never had one...) I can only guess your narcissistic parents must have undergone awful things in their lives resulting to your current situation and what has become of them in your eyes (monsters! OMG :(
But watta! i can only say: Que sera sera! What will be, will be! The future's not ours to hold.
If they allow things to happen like that to you and to their lives, fate and destiny will come their way. I was just so sad they never noticed the beautiful side of parenting and having children. And missed the opportunity and bliss given only to a few individuals. I am not saying I am perfect in every way as a parent and as a person but I always make sure I practice values and righteousness not only to my own but to other people around me, on or offline.
I wish and pray good things for you Nancy as well as your parents and other people who are in the same shoe like you.
I have never in my life heard the words I love you or anything else positive like that. I also have never received hugs except for the last hairdresser I had when we lived in Saint-Hubert, she would always hug every of her customers so that kind of hug I know. Also except for people I have never met on the internet I have never heard anyone asked me what is wrong. Many years ago I spent almost two years in the house without going outside even in our yard and all I did that time was sleep, cry and watch television and then too they never asked me what was wrong. For some reason after November 9 2009 they decided to let go of the rare positive they had and become full blown monsters. I will never understand how can anyone hate their own children. The only way I can see that happening is if their kids turn into criminals or heartless people which is not the case with me. They lost their son to an illness and then we three could of died in a fire and neither of those two things woke them up which means that they are truly cruel and love it. I have never received love and affection and care but yet I am not like them just like I am not cruel to people who do not deserve it so them having an awful childhood (which is the case) is not an excuse; many people who have been abused by their parents have never done that to anyone else and they also have kids and never abused them. I am trying my best to build me up again so that I am at my best when I finally leave these monsters behind plus I need to be careful with the savings I have so that I do not end up in an apartment I cannot afford when these savings are gone (hopefully i will be able to find a job fast so that the rest or most would be put aside for my old age).
Mom left me a note on the table saying that dad will be back tonight, it is either true (which is their way to make up for the 3 complete days without them i had) or them trying to ruin my day by making me believe this but it not being true (i was enraged when i saw that note but then calmed down because i do not want to give them more power than they already have on me).
That darn note was true, he came back alone after 17:00 (he entered the house at :25 but i heard him arrive and do a few things outside and perhaps the garage) !
Dad went to be early tonight plus he did not even go back to his television after his bath which is not normal at all for him so hopefully this means that he will go get mom tomorrow, he also almost didn't push my buttons today so that could mean that he did not feel good or and was tired .
Mom had an appointment with our doctor this morning in Amqui, after or before they ran a few errands there and instead of visiting they came back. I was in bed sleeping when they came back and they made so much noise that I thought someone had broken into the house! They kept banging on the floor until I finally got up, they calmed down a little then but they have been pushing my buttons a lot so far, they both went a little while outside, dad came back inside not too long after and mom stayed to work.
These two monsters a few minutes ago were talking about the renovations coming up and their new plan to get more into debt which is to have a shed build in our yard. I asked them what kind of window they picked and when they realised I was talking about the ones upstairs they told me that my bedroom won't get a new window then they proceeded to tell me with an attitude that they can't change all the windows because it will cost too much. These two idiots are having the two porches torn down and rebuilt (besides some of the paint that is gone its all fine), a shed built (we have a garage) and almost all the windows changed (the windows too are fine) but I am the one who cannot manage money apparently according to them!
You clearly hate them - why are you still in the house? You have the money to move out. Move out! Be somewhere that you can be happy! I am just baffled why you actively choose to be in a hated situation when you don't have to be.
They have their own lives. Let them lead them how they wish to. Go be happy in your own place.
30000$ is not a lot. I have no job. What happens if that money runs out and I am still with no jobs? I have to be sure that I have enough to live on and to be able to find a job before that money runs out (im also close to being 40 years old and i do not want to be 1 of the poor souls having to still have to work at 70 and older to be able to have a roof over my head and food and electricity and everything else needed so finding a job soon will mean putting most of it aside for my older years). Plus I do not know about where you live but me (im talking about my entire province and most of my country) but apartments that you can afford with a minimum wage job are not plentiful, that may be the only job I can find so I need an apartment of less than 500$.
Their lives is to destroy their only child that is alive and right now they are able to do that so me still living with them is me letting them live their own lives!
$30,000 is a life-changing amount that most people would give anything to have. This is your health that is at stake. You have said in the past that the moment you could afford an apartment you would move out. Now you can afford one.
If in three years you have to move back home, heck, so you do. But you would have had **three entire years** of sanity to build your own health and strength up. Think of what a different person you'd be in three years! At that point you might not even care what your parents say or do any more. Or, heck, you might have met a best friend or significant other and live with them. There's a giant world of possibilities. All of them good ones.
You need those three years. You deserve those three years. And I bet once you have three years you'll have a job and support system so that you can keep going. But right now - you're only destroying yourself every single day. There's no reason at all to do that.
The chance of someone finding a job when they are miserable and under huge stress is slim to none. An employer is generally looking for someone they can trust to do the job at hand.
If, instead, you are living on your own and living a nearly stress-free life, your chance of finding a job is going to be vastly better. For all sorts of reasons.
So think of this as an investment in getting that job you want.
I know I am lucky to have that amount of money. The irony of of it all is if whoever set the Ste-Florence house on fire would not of done it then I would still be stuck there with no money and no way out. Also the irony is that that town is where my parents decided to let go of their rare positives and it is also the worst place I have ever been to but it was the only house we have lived where I was not in a complete prison because it was the only place there were no television in the kitchen so I could go there whenever I wanted to.
When I go out nobody can tell that I am miserable. I have learned when very young to hide it and I do it very well. Only the people who talk to me and to whom I confess things know what is going on with me. So when I meet people I am always smiling so that will not stop me from getting a job. I am shy so I have trouble looking at people in the eyes which stopped me from getting jobs when I left school. I tried getting a job when we were living in Ste-Florence but I did not get one there because of the people who hate people who speak another language than French, here there are many English speaking people and the rest are not like in Ste-Florence and the nearest towns.
I want to be totally sure that I do not end up in debt and or on the streets when I leave. I have always paid my credit card bills when I got them and I have never pawned anything and got any loans, I do not want to start now or any other time.
I have found a few apartments at less than 500$ (the best would be 400$ so that 100$ per week could be put aside for rent) with the electricity and water included but when I called they were already rented so it's hard. New Brunswick would be the best bet because this is where it cost less to live in Canada but sadly they let Quebecers change laws there and it's now almost as worst as Quebec is. The weirdest is that the places it cost more is in the smallest provinces and the three territories which is insane because there are less people and jobs there.
When I am leaving I will never be back and if they find me then I will get a lawyer and make sure they stay away.
We are living right in front of a beach and the town and people here are normal so at least I am not living in a complete hell. I am stuck with two monsters but the surroundings is nice which is helping me to relax (well at least when im out the house and when they are not in the house).
One of the times I woke up last night dad was banging on the floor nonstop (without walking - he was just standing in the kitchen banging his feet over and over for several minutes sometimes stopping for a few seconds) and I almost had a panic attack before falling asleep again.
Literally seconds after I submitted that comment dad started banging on the floor again (sometimes while standing there and sometimes while walking - when he does that while walking its worst because he adds another sound with his feet so its a combination) and I was close to several panic attacks, the last times I had to bang on my computer to calm myself (when i do that i use the tips of my fingers - if that does not help then the next steps for me is to insult myself + wish i would be dead or hit myself [normally thighs or head] then when im not calmed down its a panic attack), at the start mom joined him and I think this is what pushed me over the edge. He is still going at it and I am still close to a panic attack, I'll go make some food, he and she will push my buttons but they will not bang on the floor because this is something they do only when I am not around them.
He started again when I went back downstairs, he had stopped a few minutes later but he is starting again. I almost had one panic attack after getting back downstairs (had to hit my desk to calm myself) but right now I am not close to a panic attack.
I was having (a few minutes ago) a normal conversation with mom and she of course had to turn it around like she almost always do, this time it was with a mean sarcastic remark that was disguised as a question.
For a while before breakfast (while here in the 4 threads i post in every morning) I almost had a panic attack and right now too I am close to one (both thanks to dad banging on the floor over and over).
The past few days mom has been worst than dad and that is something because he is at the psychopath level but she now has zero problem being at that level too!
My right eye started to hurt so I went and checked it, I thought it was one of the eyelash on top that is white and is low so sometimes or often it will touch the eye but to make sure I checked to see if there was another eye lash that I could get before it fell in the eye and while looking I was sure that I saw a white thread in it, I tried to calm myself by telling me it was an illusion (the lights here are not very bright so its hard to do a few things including looking in eyes) but I was sure it was something there. After the attack I put one eye drop in each eyes. It still hurts and I do know it's not something in the eye but I'm still freaking out about it.
This all started while I was eating an apple while walking and talking in the basement, maybe I should start wearing protective glasses all the time if so then I would be totally sure nothing is in the eyes when it starts to hurt!
Turns out something went in that eye! A few minutes ago I was in front of my computer and it hurt a lot so I closed the eye and went in the bathroom and indeed saw a white thread when I opened the eye! Two times it looked like a tiny part of it was out the eye and the second time I think I got it with a tissue! I looked for a while after and saw nothing in the eye and it does not hurt now so hopefully I got it! That eye has not been lucky since moving here! First a big thread of a toque then parts of the ceiling and now a white thread (my washcloths are white but i doubt it was that - besides it had been a while since i had washed my face and right after i use a eyelash brush)!
I got a teaching moment in not being lazy today. I took a while before getting up and it turns out that period of time if I would not of been lazy and stayed in the bed I would of had my entire morning routine by myself, thanks to that laziness they came back at the end of my breakfast so ruined a morning routine by myself.
Dad found another way to get us more into debt and strangely mom is not happy about it (for now - soon [my bet is today] she will be like she always does). He paid 450$ to get an asphalt sealer. Not only is it money wasted (eventhough it does make it look better) it is stupid because the back porch is not finished then there's my bedroom window to install and the front porch so the contractor will have to come here via the highway (there is an entrance there for cars but its the yard so no asphalt) which means that the grass and probably some trees or and plants will be destroyed. Mom was angry when I went upstairs and started almost immediately talking against dad but I learned when very young to not enter those conversations because everytime she will either scream at you or build him up.
I had to hurry when I woke up today because dad was watching a dubbed movie when I got up then it looked clear before my breakfast but he decided to go to another dubbed movie when I came to eat so I opened the oven fan and was going to come here to eat but he changed the channel so I was able to eat my breakfast at the kitchen table, he has been angry since then, he must wait for me to go down on my knees and thank him for all his glory to change the channel for a while so that I can eat a breakfast in the kitchen .
It is close to 0:00 and I have been suffering from insomnia for every nights for more than a week now but thanks to dad I have to wait to clean the dishes and start the night routine.
The irony is that they turned into full psychopaths when we moved in Ste-Florence and that city was like an entrance to hell but that was the only house that I was not in a full jail because it was the only house with no television in the kitchen!
I was just in the kitchen making some pasta and dad was at it full speed and I was able to calm myself which was hard and then I thought something went in my right eye and this too almost gave me a panic attack.
Mom asked me earlier today to look at what was new on Ardene before I ordered the items I picked and almost all that time she pushed my buttons and right now I am waiting that dad goes on a channel that does not have a dubbed movie on (22:30 is the ending of what he is watching now but who knows if the course will be cleared after that) I have lately so often had to deal with this that tonight I just can't.
If I do not get up very late tomorrow I am guaranteed to at least have my entire morning routine in peace because they will go where we lived and this time it is not only for errands it is for visiting too so they will be gone for several hours.
Just got a call from mom, they are leaving and will stop at a restaurant before coming back so in about two hours the peace in the house will be gone. Still I am extremely happy with the hours I got today especially since it had been a very long time since I got this!
If someone needs another example of why I call my dad a psychopath I got one, a few minutes ago I was in the kitchen and (of course) was watching television and it was the news where so at one point they started to talk about a group of cyclists that were cycling and got shot by a bbgun and he thought that was hilarious, this is not the first time that I have seen him enjoy things like that but he never does when it comes with criminals they have him as a protector especially when cops are involved and when people say they should be punished for what they did.
I have been paying since I got that morning routine all by myself and for those extra minutes too! Right now they are both outside so the house is peaceful.
I have been having insomnia for a while now and last night after a few hours just when I was starting to sleep dad got up and then spent several minutes banging on the floor all over the kitchen and living room! He was outside with mom and came back inside to eat and most of that time was spent banging on the floor.
Got a few hours of peace while they were working outside (dad came in to eat while i was finishing my morning routine so i could not have that - mom came in to ask me something during my breakfast and she did it normally) then a few minutes ago that peace was gone, almost immediately the nonstop banging on the floors started again.
A few minutes ago I annoyed dad and I was not even trying to do that ! I went upstairs to get a bowl and spoon and while I was telling something to mom I saw him from the corner of my eyes looking at me and then he raised the volume of his television so I made sure to keep talking a while longer after I was done saying what I wanted !
Dad is worst than usual today! Right now mom is figuring out if she will come too in less than two hours (i have an appointment and errands) and I hope she comes, yes they both are there but when dad is like that it is less worst and also scary when mom is there too.
That day off I had was so awesome, I enjoyed every seconds of it and I have no idea what happened when they were gone then but they were less worst (of course they were still their crazy selves trying to drive me crazy too but less than usual).
I have yet to have a panic attack (i was able to calm down just enough to not be close to 1) but wanting mom to come too was a bad idea because she when we were close to being home made a remark about taking the bus to go see her friend where we lived and of course dad a few minutes later had a follow up, these twisted monsters had not done that in months.
For once being lazy and taking a long time to get up paid up because that extra time bought me a morning routine in peace :); I was about to get up but decided to stay a while longer and during that time dad came back in the house for like a minute and he was doing almost everything he does to drive me crazy during that time, they went outside to work and they are still there.
I had a panic attack last night, I stupidly made a search about eye flashes (started getting them about a year or so ago - been having floaters for many years) and of course with my eye psychosis combined with whatever (i think its a string from my washcloths) is in the eyes (i think in the left its gone - in the right its in the corner near the exit) I thought I was having a cornea issue then with that search I thought it was detaching. I know deep down this is not what is happening but it's a phobia I have no I cannot control my brain for that. I was still freaking out over it (still am by the way) so I called Iris for an eye examination and the secretary was so sweet with me and she calmed me down. She says cornea issues always come with pain and blurred vision so this is not happening to me thankfully, after I am told everything is fine by the doctor I will be totally calmed down.
After writing here I thought I had calmed down but I started calling myself names again but did not it myself. Then my left eye started to hurt so I was scared then I thought about when I hit my head and then started to think that the reason why it was hurting is that these hits detached my retina and I almost gave myself a panic attack.
I am playing a game right now and am having troubles with a level, I had it but for the end I did something stupid and lost again so I started calling myself names and I also hit my head just because of that and now I am crying because I lost that level again!
The same thing happened today, I was in the kitchen just to clean my glasses and do two other things that took just a few minutes and before reaching the kitchen I was close to a panic attack and seconds later I wanted to be violent with him.
Also I realised today for weeks now I am more and more angry when I have to go upstairs when he is there, it started with me rolling my eyes months ago but now I grimace and usually it is a furious grimace.
They were supposed to go to Ste-Florence tomorrow but now I do not know if I will get these hours of peace.
About an hour ago mom after dad said he would wash the car made a joke about that (he always make sure that his car is clean when he visits - he did that too when i was young - appearance is important to him which is why it was extremely shocking when he started acting like a monster in public) and he did not take that well, it turned into an accusation from him saying that she told that to everyone and mom said I did not. He stayed on his television chair and she went on her kitchen chair and they sat there like kids after being told no when they asked for a cookie. They were so angry that they barely pushed my buttons for the rest of my morning routine. Mom is now hiding in her room and dad is in the kitchen acting like a psychopath that has won the battle.
They went anyway so that gave me a few hours of peace (did not looked good - woke up for a while after 9:00 and they were still there but fell back asleep and they left during that time) they came back after 17:00 and immediately started to bang on the floor for at least an half hour before sitting down to eat, I was looking at the dark hoping they would stay there because they both hate driving in the dark but of course that did not happen.
I just made the decision to wait here until dad has gone to bed to get some food, I refuse to have again to hurry up with the oven fan on, so I will wait it out (thankfully im not too hungry and its not that late).
And this afternoon mom lost it again, this time she was going to make herself soup and I went in the kitchen to make rice and she started freaking out when she realised that, I mentioned that there are enough room on the stove to do both and she closed the side she had picked then mumbled something and went hiding in her room downstairs.
I was able to eat my breakfast and start the rest of the morning routine in peace thanks to dad out walking and mom in her room on the phone but I already paid for that by having to open the oven fan at the maximum to clean, peel, cut and eat an apple.
No matter how much they were pushing my buttons I was able to almost always hide the fact they were getting to me but the past days I was not really able to do it and dad like the psychopath he is is loving it and doing it more and worst too!
Thankfully there's a fan in the bathroom because I needed it when I was finishing my morning routine there plus I had to hide there with it on to clean my glasses, normally after that I eat an apple but I did not want to open the kitchen fan for that so I let that go today.
It's going to be weird and awesome at the same time when I finally leave these monsters, I will live in a place that is not a jail!
I am extremely close to a panic attack right now and it is not the first time since I last posted on this thread, it happens at least once a day and that started a few weeks ago!
I had a few minutes of peace today. Dad went outside before I started eating my breakfast and before I finished with my morning routine mom went outside too; I was alone in the house for less than one hour but that rare peace was awesome.
Thanks to dad I had to make a quick breakfast with the oven fan on and come here to eat it, of course when I went back upstairs he changed the channel to something that was not dubbed and he made sure I had to go in the bathroom with that fan on to clean my glasses (im betting i will have to hide to take my omega 3 soon).
As for mom she decided after months of talk to paint the house (my bedroom is painted) and of course she is acting like a martyr all the while doing it. She keeps saying she is hurting everywhere and she maybe will die before it is done. If this keeps up I will lose my eyes since I keep rolling them.
My computer and television are now in the biggest room downstairs. It was going well with just me and mom (except of course when she was acting like a martyr and pushing my buttons and making things that were not difficult difficult) but at the end when only the television was left and my television chair (that had to be left in that room so i took a big chair in her room) she got dad and of course it went downhill from there, he called her names because she could not figure out how to get the chair out then he almost screamed to leave the chair in the room then became furious because she told him to shut up once then told him to wait then he was sighing when she was adding an extra cable then he several times said that I should just go without television or take her then he said seriously that he could go without television (its a miracle i did not explode with laughter at that point).
Anyway it's all done now, I will need to put loud music often when he will be up since this room is right by the stairs so I will hear perfectly everything.
When she will paint where I sleep I will put the tri-fold bed in my entertainment room, that will be better since I won't hear the water pump anymore (it sometimes makes such an awfully loud high pitched sound) and their noise I will only hear it when they will be in the bathroom.
Montreal is in the west coast tonight so maybe dad will be up until at least 0:30 but what could save me is that he is not a real fan so maybe just maybe it will not be hell until that time today.
For about an half hour dad was talking on the phone upstairs and mom was spying on him from the stairs while sometimes doing things tom push my buttons and when she did not she spied on what I was doing online and finally this has stopped! I won't complain when I will get my entertainment room tomorrow.
A miracle happened earlier, after 14:00 dad closed his television plus when he came back from outside it took him more than a minute to open it again.
And maybe they will go to Ste-Florence earlier than they were supposed to, if not I still have to wait until the end of April to get hours of peace.
Last week they ran errands for a few hours, when I got up the house was peaceful which was so awesome but that awesomeness did not last a long time. Besides that until today dad closing his television during the day maybe happened three or four times and never too long except for yesterday when he went to a restaurant and like two days before when he went to the grocery store.
No stress today. After church I attended my daughter's church. The young children sang today. then we went to lunch. Tonight I will begin to stress tonight and tomorrow as I have procrastinated putting together a treasurer's report
Mom has given me grief over me still sleeping in the basement and often it was by screaming at me and even insulting me but a few minutes ago she came here asking me if I really wanted my bedroom upstairs and I said yes and she just sat there for several minutes on my television acting like a martyr then when she realised I would not even ask why she left this room !
Just learned why mom wants my bedroom, she just asked me to make less noise when dad watches television which is basically all day long almost! I told her that there's not only him in the house and she agreed very softly. So she wants my bedroom to send him there which leaves me to stay here and my furniture for him because there's no other room left for a bedroom and that won't happen even if it meant that the course would be clear for the kitchen.
By some miracle dad decided to close his television a few minutes after I got up and go outside, I was cleaning my glasses about a minute ago and he came back to get something to go back outside not to his television.
I would of gotten up seconds later and I would of had my entire morning routine in peace. They went out (mom had an appointment + they ran errands in Mont-Joli) just when i was putting on my pajama and it was just when mom was going out while dad was in the car (i was sure she was out too), they came back about an half hour after my routine was done.
Last night mom was going on again about me still sleeping in the basement so I remained her that a few days ago she asked for my bedroom to give to dad who complains because we dare make noise when in the kitchen and she laughed in my face saying it was finished.
Now this morning it was the threat of the English satellite channels. They have been complaining about it costing a lot but of course the French channels have to stay because dad certainly will not learn a new language and also not find a new way to pass the time. So I will have to pay a part of it so less money set aside plus I will need to check them carefully so they do not stop paying that bill because it is in my name.
These two crazies had almost 300000$ and it did not take them long to be in debt again!
Oh and another thing, while I was brushing my teeth this morning I almost chocked laughing, mom came in the bathroom to say that one day they will sell the house and that time the money will be cut in laugh and she will keep her part; yeah right! She hid the fact that she bought two phones of less than 70$ each a few months ago and she will have the guts to take her part? LOL!
A few minutes ago mom told me that next week she will stay at Irene's and dad will come get her two or three days ago, the way she said it she finally admitted when they do that it is done on purpose so that I am not alone here. I gave her attitude for a while then told her that if they wanted to waste gas money and time then it was their choice and she gave me a bunch of excuses then I said it again with more attitude and now maybe he will stay there too but she said that if he stays they will stay there just one or two nights. She has an appointment in Amqui Wednesday and if she stays there alone I will be stuck with just dad until Saturday, if he stays with her then Friday is when they will come back.
I calculated the satellite bill and went upstairs and said what about if I pay half then dad all insulted said I do not need anything then mom said yes you do then it was set on 100$ a month.
Dad after left to pay that bill and go to the grocery store looking like he was about to die and then mom started complaining.
I do not know if she will really do it but I said to just finish the painting in the basement and leave the upstairs like that, she said it is what she will do. The few renovations to do here is done. It is a beautiful house in front of the Fleuve Saint-Laurent with a huge yard so normally with just the painting to be done upstairs 250000$ to 200000$ should be what we will have when we will sell the house which should be done in two or three years.
I told her that 100000$ houses that only need painting done (told her that this does not cost a lot so you pay someone to do that before moving in - we already have the furniture - 100000$ set aside is plenty to pay taxes and whatever else needed) and she agrees with me but again she rarely stands up to him so who knows, my bet is that again the same will be done like they always have done which is sell the house then he will keep it all then choose a house that needs renovations and soon they will be in debt again. If they really sell this house then choose a house that will leave them half or more or another big amount set aside he will blow through it in no time.
Anyway this time I do not care because I have savings aside so if I am still with these two monsters when they sell this house and they do the same idiotic thing then I am out.
By the way mom came back here while I was writing the fifth paragraph to say that all she said is not to speak against dad !
And her plan to just finish the basement is already gone, she just told me she will paint the stairwell, soon or another day she will say she will also paint the upstairs, yeah, she really will keep half of the money from the sale of this house!
After my breakfast I asked mom if dad will stay at Irene's too and she said that he had not answered that question yet but followed by saying that even if he wants to stay she will send him back here!
Mom started making excuses about what will be our new house (if we are still here in about 3 years they are going to lose the house and everything else they own) and a few minutes ago she continued with more.
Monday I did something so that was my start, tomorrow is another step and others will follow. I do not want to talk about it except that it started well and I am happy about it plus I have had so far zero moments of doubt and also zero moments of wanting to quit. The most awesome thing is that the new drama did not affected my restart at all, I think it even gave it a boost.
Sunday I will start walking again so that too is a good thing and that will give me more energy and keep me calm at least when alone outside especially on the beach.
The words one uses are incredibly powerful. It's important to think of this as THEIR house that you will leave. It is THEIR house that is separate from your future.
If I live in a hotel it's not MY hotel. It is somewhere I am about to leave.
The more you make an effort to change your words, the more it will solidify your new reality. Study after study shows this.
That is great that you will be walking - getting daily exercise is absolutely critical to helping the brain work properly.
I actually have put some money in this house so that too is why I am saying our house, it is not a big amount of money but still it's what it is.
I would of started walking sooner but since I haven't walked since this past Summer (went on the beach this past autumn and in the yard too but a walk not since like june or july) but I figured that going in the cold after being inside almost 100% of the time was not a good idea especially since my last cold was when I was tired and went outside when it was cold (still suffering from insomnia).
Anyway tomorrow is the second step of my restart and I am excited about it then after a while I will start step three .
It is official soon they will put the house for sale. If I am still here by then I will stick around just to see if they finally act like sane human beings and find a house that would be perfect like the one I found yesterday and they put almost everything else aside, if they do not do that then I am gone. I certainly will not stick around forever even if they do end up in the house I found or another like it or even better and even if they have a lot of savings aside (if that happens then i bet that dad will go at it until theres nothing left - he cannot let just 1 cent be put aside and doing nothing + he and mom loves to be in debt) if this is what happens then that would just to have more savings for my new life.
That house would be so awesome; the basement to myself, being able to go to the kitchen without dad being in the living room and everything at walking distance.
Dad is angry, he probably would love it to stay here and then end up in the streets. Mom is like a bipolar person, so far today with our talks she cannot wait to get away and is not making up excuses but it will change soon that is for sure. I am happy because either way I know I will be okay with my savings.
Poor mom does not think that having 100000$ in savings is enough to survive for a couple the age of my parents. I keep explain to her and it either does not compute or it's just her addiction to debt and drama that stops her from understanding this. Their pension check is more than enough for food for all three of us plus dad's cell phone plus the phone bill and all the other bills that include the internet and satellite dish. That even leaves enough for gas, insurance and even electricity. So that with a house that is 100000$ or less with zero renovations and a saving of at least 100000$ is like they are rich but it still does not compute in her brain somehow.
And dad is ashamed of having to sell the house. In his brain they can remain here. He even told mom the other day they just have to cut with the food. He wants the prestige that come with this house but in three years he will live in the streets and there's no prestige there but again his brain cannot understand any of this.
The previous houses they were in debt but never in danger of losing it except when he left his job so they had to sell in Saint-Hubert. Here the taxes are too high and the yard is too big to take care of.
So yeah it should be amusing to see what they will do and when. Of course without my savings I would not find this amusing at all.
I will be stuck one or two or three or even more full days with dad ! There's apparently a chance when he will get her that he sleeps there that night and they come back the following day but that is probably just to screw with me again !
For the first time since understanding they had to sell the house in less than three years dad closed his television. He did it about two hours ago and went outside which he still is.
I was able to do all my morning routine alone plus I will have hours of peace soon but will be stuck alone with dad at least one full day; mom wants to come back Saturday so if he leaves Friday it is supposed to mean that he will sleep there for that night but they may do that to screw with me and they will come back that day so who knows!
maintenance, insurance, gas and repairs are a given and for the most part scheduled events. Getting through the paperwork for a purchase is a different story.
Today was a day with just dad. He got up more than four hours after me and went two times outside (the first at least 2 hours and the last to get the mail) so it was not just me stuck with him. Yesterday after he came back more than half his time before going to bed was spent banging on the floor, today it was less than that thankfully.
I am still holding on to the hope he leaves tomorrow and they both spend the night before coming back.
After 13:00 mom called, I thought it was to say to not get her today or tomorrow or something like that because dad stayed here but about an half hour later he went outside so I thought oh no when he came back inside for a few minutes but turns out it was just to get something from the garage. So he has left to go to Ste-Florence but I do not know if they will come back today or tomorrow.
He has spent at least half of today banging on the floor so this peace right now is awesome!
Dad left around 9:00. They have been back for about a minute and mom almost immediately started banging on the floor! Looks like she will try her best to make up for the time she was not here to push my buttons.
A miracle just happened, I was actually able to eat something in the kitchen . One of them just got up to go to the bathroom after I was done so when I went upstairs they were still in bed but when I finished my first sentence I heard one of them bang on the floor so hell has started again and this time it is for real .
Something nice just happened which is that mom for a rare occasion got fed up with dad and she did not let him win, this is time is awesome because it is with several things. She forced him to do two things then told him after he mentioned it was beautiful and nice here to enjoy it while it last because soon we will move. Now it's just a matter of time until she either backs down on at least one of those things or ask for forgiveness in another way.
Got a facial and almost immediately they took away all that calm it brought me. I was told the car did not start which for normal people (ESPECIALLY when you are parked when it happens) it is an inconvenience but they are not normal so it turned into drama then I was blamed then after screaming at two different people on the phone he thought we would have to sleep either in the parking lot or at a garage. Turns out the man who came to tow us only had to boost the battery and he was laughing it up with that man. Thankfully I was able to go back to my aesthetician's and wait the majority of the time there; if they did not believed what I said about them now they do!
I am enjoying some peace right now, this won't last long because they are only in Mont-Joli but I am cherishing this short period of time.
Also yesterday I was able to eat something in the kitchen which was basically a miracle since it meant that dad was not in front of his television plus the end of that mom went outside too so I got the house to myself for a very short time.
Looks like I have to pay for that time I could eat in the kitchen and the little peace; I want food and will start the night routine soon but dad is watching a movie and I do not want to deal with that again so I decided to stay here, I prefer to go to bed hungry then to have to hurry up with the oven fan at full blast, maybe I will get some time to get a little food later.
About five minutes ago I was in the kitchen cleaning my glasses and he got up, walked a little bit whining then after pushing my buttons sat on his chair and opened his television, just before I came here he got up and after about two minutes of banging on the floor he went to the bathroom !
I was getting the things ready in the bathroom a few minutes ago and I had to take a moment in my bedroom because the monster that is my dad was pushing my buttons so much that I wanted to beat him, when he finally let off a little I was able to get a few things in the kitchen then come here and back up to put my bathrobe in the bathroom.
Mom is almost completely like dad now, she has been trying the past year to become like him and she is almost there at 100%.
Now instead of being close to panic attacks all the time I am more and more close to exploding on them which not only include screaming.
Two miracles happened today; first I got to have a peaceful morning routine because they got up after that was done then for about an hour dad closed his television.
Had some peace twice today; they ran a few errands and were gone for about two hours then about that same time they both went outside for like three hours.
Warned mom several times tonight about her taking her bath before me taking my shower and she kept saying it was okay that she would wait and she just came here whining about her having to wait for her bath because I am about to go in the bathroom and she knows how long I take !
I have been close several times to panic attacks today and all thanks to dad, I bet more is coming and if this continues like that I probably will have one.
I was cooking something a few minutes ago and just before finishing mom started whining then saying no over and over, after she walked a little bit then said from the top of her head to the shoulder on the left a nerve or something was stuck and she could not swallow so I said that if she could not swallow that it was serious and she said that it was not, all she had to do is put hot on it. She is now laying on her left with hot water in something for that while dad is watching television not giving one care about it and of course she laughed and made jokes when all that was happening.
Not at all shocking since this is their dynamic and this is how they have always taken their health.
Just counted my savings, I was sure I had at least 30000$ but turns out it is 28500$. Yes it is a big amount of money but I was sure I had more. It is impossible that my parents got to it because it is in a safe and I made sure that none had access to the key. I will soon go get 500$ from my account and count it again then when adding it to the safe.
Looks like I will have to soon get a place of my own, mom just told me that dad is refusing to sell the house.
I will wait until next year. I started a countdown on June 19 and if by that date next year the house is not for sale I will be out, it is a nice date too, I would have plenty of time to get settled before the Stars starts their next season and if they go all the way next season it will be over. That also leave me a year to get more money aside.
Mom will of course go along with him and if this is indeed what they end up doing then I do not care because I will be away from them with zero worries about money and I will not have any contact with them so when they will end up in the street they won't bother me with this or anything else.
Mom just came here to talk to me and she tried to attack me because when she told me that upstairs I told her that I would move on my own, I immediately stop her then she said is there a way to have a sane conversation and I said that this is what I was doing so she calmed down.
She told me that she will only take care of the inside but no more painting and buying stuff for the house, outside she will only take care of the grass that grows in the borders (cannot recall what that thing is called). But like usual she (they are both like that but with her she always have caved to him) will not do what she said she will do, maybe this time she will do it for like a few days or weeks but she will cave before Summer ends that is for sure because he will be very tired since he will have to do almost everything outside now, even if he does not look and or sound tired and even if he does not whine about it she will cave anyway.
She said that he refuses to hear about it, he only said that it is not time because we have been here for just a short time and then when she tried to reason with him he almost screamed okay then sell the house and I will go live with my mom.
I will make sure to put money aside every month starting this month. I did not spend a lot the past months and thanks to that I have more than a thousand in my bank account, I could save and still pay my part of the satellite. I calculated things a while ago and by following what I came up with I will have at least 3000$ more aside by next year plus next June before leaving (if this is what i have to do) I could top it off with a 500$ to have 32000$. I would start searching at the least start of Spring to be sure to have an apartment before the start of October, those at my range of price are not in large quantities plus they go very fast.
Oh and also she said to not even mention that in about two years they will not have the money to live here, I finally shut her up with that saying (because she said it has nothing to do with me) that of course it has to do with me too since I am living with them, if I am still here when that happens then I too would be in the streets.
She also told me that if she dies before I move to not kill myself for dad, I laughed and said there is no way I will be his next slave.
I just found out the minimum wage in my province is 11,25$ except for those who receives tips for that it is 9,45$. It is more than I thought and it is helping me breath a little bit more.
I searched a little bit for apartments tonight and there were a few of less than 400$ and some had electricity and water included. Looks like when it is Summer there are more because when I was looking this Winter there were less.
I will keep asking mom once in a while what is going on in case they get in more money trouble (dad has always spent money stupidly but its always worst when he is furious which is the case now). Maybe if he gets another flu or worst while killing himself taking care of the yard he will change his mind but I will be surprised if that happens just like I will be surprised if mom really does what she said she will.
If I move out soon and it is too tight money wise I can always just get internet and watch my Hockey games like that until I have the money to get a satellite but if it is tighter than that then yes I would not even get internet, I prefer eating and having a roof over my head than to be able to watch the Stars game but go hungry or end up in the streets.
Yesterday and the day before she told me that he was thinking about it but today she told me she has no idea what the hell he is doing. She says that she will make him a list of the reasons to move, it seems like it is the only way to get through tom him since he never was able to have a normal conversation since his only way to do it is to not talk or storm off or laugh it up or become furious.
In the meantime water keeps shutting off but so far we are lucky because seconds later it comes back, hey, here's another thing to add to the list !
Mom exploded on me this morning. She came here before I finished some things on the computer before breakfast and she was talking but it was obvious she wanted to talk about the house situation so I asked her what was new about that and after a few minutes of what was a normal conversation she got an attitude (the same dad has and she says she hates and she does not have) and then screamed at me (ironically she did that right after saying that she has to write dad a letter because he cannot have a conversation).
I have to wait until dad closes his television to get food for the rest of the night, almost all dubbed movies are done except for one so let's hope it's not that one he is watching.
As for these maniacs and them having to sell the house soon or they will lose it I decided that today was the last time I asked about it. Mom lost her mind then after acting weird she is acting like nothing happened. Dad is walking around like everything is fine now, he just did the grass which took him several hours in a few days and he is walking around like it was nothing but it shows that he is tired but he wants to stay here because people think we are rich (it cannot connect in his brain that ended up in the streets wont make him look like he is rich).
I will just focus on my savings. I will also start a movie marathon, one new per day starting tomorrow with not a movie but a video of Michael Fassbender where his new character for the Prometheus sequel is introduced. If these two psychotic monsters decides to wake up then fine, anyway I know they will wait until last second for a new house so they will pick one that will need a lot of work and they again will end up in debt so either way I know that I will move on my own soon, mom wants to have enough time to get the new house ready before moving in but she does not want to start looking until this one is sold.
I have many issues but it is a wonder why I am not crazier!
Oh I think dad finally left his television, hopefully I'm not wrong .
Lately I have been going crazy with the plan and decisions but today I am happy that I barely thought about it and none of my searches and none of the notes I wrote down had anything to do with all that.
I also did not start the conversation about the house mom did. She says that she asked dad this morning and he said that he is thinking about it.
I haven't checked the three houses in my favorites and will only check them again if the house is put for sale.
Dad barely pushed my buttons today and mom did it more, this is what always happens when one is calm or is gone, the other has to at least do it more so that I do not get too much peace. I have to go get some food now so I hope he is not watching any dubbing, mom for a rare time lately decided to watch television tonight.
We had to run errands and while dad was waiting in the car I figured I would ask mom and she said that she had no idea, she also said she would soon (she mentioned tonight but she mostly talked on the phone and watched tv so i doubt she did it) write that letter and leave it on his television chair then she said or I don't know (that made her freak out - she rarely have faced him in any way and she thinks that this will be a face off or a betrayal or something).
In the meantime the water pump is getting worst and time has not stopped neither did the money problems.
Mom tonight told me that she wrote the letter and put it in the trunk of the car where he has to go because he needs to install a new battery. If he does not do that this weekend then it will be Monday where he will have to go and get bread and a few other things. If he freaks out or ignores it then I will move before the Hockey season starts.
Dad went outside today but it was only for a few minutes to walk in our yard. Tomorrow is apparently when he will go to the grocery store so if true the day he will see the letter mom wrote him since it is on the battery that he has to install because the other is dead. What an idiotic mess this is!
So he saw the letter, read it and he agrees. First of all both of them it is always scary when they say something because it rarely is what they end up doing and with this especially because he has freaked out so many times about this and now not only does he agree but he is calm about it. Mom started doing one of the few changes she wants to do in the house before he came back (he even helped her a little bit) and now he is walking around outside like he is about to die. She says she wants to hurry up to do that this month.
But of course she had to cause some drama since dad did not. We were talking before I came here and I was just agreeing with her and she changed her attitude and attacked me defending him!
The washer we bought is on a recall so a piece of garbage. I had to wash all my washcloths and towels today and after about two hours of trying to do that mom blamed me so I immediately stopped her and it looked like she was calmed and she then goes a few minutes later that she would like to live with people who know how to talk, dad was in his television chair so I asked are you talking about me and she said yes so I exploded and while at it I told them off about their insane decision of buying a house before knowing they would be paid by the insurance. She was going on about me leaving and I shut her up. Dad stayed silent and mom is not furious but I had the last word.
This again come from dad surprisingly seeing the light without making up any drama so he had to make some! First attacking me while defending her master and now blaming me for the garbage washer that dad picked up in the store eventhough he has never washed anything in his life!
If something else happens in the next days I am out right away and I will tell them in their faces that they will never see me again and if they find me I will get a lawyer and call the cops.
I have been in this room since this all happened except for a few minutes when I went to the bathroom and put my washcloths in the container for this. Now that they are both in their bedroom I will finally get some food, did not want to see their faces for the rest of the day.
I did do a few searches and one of these made me totally forget moving to another province, I sadly do not have enough at my age to start a new life in another province.
If what happened today still is going on tomorrow I am out soon. I will not talk to mom but will not act with any attitude. If she has attitude or and ignores me or and starts it again this is it. 29000$ would have to do if this is the case.
I made lots of searches tonight and found a few cities where it is big enough for me to be able to find a job and with apartments that include electricity that are less than 500$. Two of those cities though do not have a bus station (although 1 has a train station) but if this is the best place for me then I should be able to find a way to get there.
You know the commercials where people are doing really stupid dangerous things in and out their house? Well this is how mom is painting the wall of the stairs! There's one spot that is especially dangerous but she says that even if she dies she will do it, looks like that spot she reserved it for last.
Mom has been so despicable today! Not only has she been worst than dad but most of the times when she pushed my buttons (she is still up so her day is not over) it was by looking straight at my face! Plus most of the times she has spoken to me has been to talk about dad like he is a martyr! Oh and a few hours ago when he was out for a short time she told me that they barely have any money left this month (of course spending money on paint and stuff like that) so dad will drive me where I want to go tomorrow but won't buy anything, she used a baby voice like I am the one who cannot budget!
The past days dad has worked outside and she has painted.
Just made the decision to stay downstairs and go hungry.
As for the house mom is almost done painting. A few days dad did some work outside but lately he mostly just watched television like his normal self and when he goes outside he just walk mostly in circles like he is a zombie. Mom has tried a few times to make me talk against him to then verbally attack me and none of those attempts worked just like when she tried to get pity from me it has not worked either.
Just counted my savings again, the first time I counted 28500$ and this time 29500$, I will count it again later so perhaps there will be more then too !
She did call when I was sleeping (started sleeping in my bedroom last night). The real estate agent is coming this afternoon.
She again went on when I was eating breakfast (dad was out running errands - they had a fight this morning before i got up but missed the start because i was sleeping - i know it was about the house and the sale of it) that they won't let it go for less than a certain amount, they paid it 200000$ and then got a loan of 50000$ or 60000$ for renovations and they want it all back which unless a miracle happens it won't happen. In 2019 for sure they won't afford this place and maybe next year but I do not care because I have lots of money. I learned to budget and save while looking at them both with money.
Oh wow the irony that goes right above someone's head!
My mom is talking on the phone right now and she is whining to someone how her own mother was mean and how it hurt that some people to this day either takes her side or don't believe it!
My stress level has gone down significantly now that I made a 30 day challenge not to look at any political Facebook posts. :-) Day 1 and it's feeling good!
I am paying right now for all that time upstairs alone, hey, being able to get food and eat it in peace is of course a crime so of course I have to pay for that !
Finally our house is listed but with three errors and one is major. The biggest error is that oil is one of the way this house is heated (it was but we got rid of all that our first year), then he says that there's a wood stove which is not the case then the floor of my bedroom that it is ceramic which is not. Mom is supposed to call him tomorrow, she did not want to but I had to tell her several times that many people do not want certain things so perhaps many people won't even look at it just because of the oil (im 1 of the people who do not want to have gas and oil as heat source or whatever else), the other errors are easy to spot in the pictures but I remained her that with the money he will get (5%) he should be able to write every details correctly.
I was just in the kitchen getting ice cream and with a tone of voice that meant I was a moron she told me that we had ice cream spoons, she has often said that to me and this time I answered back remaining her that she too never uses it.
I printed the map for a small city about three hours away from here (the 1 that has the 2 houses and also an old house) and then wrote all the details and when she came back inside I gave it to her (would of loved dad to be there too but he went outside like 1 hour ago and still is there somewhere). If next week this is not done yet I am out of here.
Mom is still either worst as dad or at his level or close to him, she has not come back to how she pushed my buttons since being worst than dad. Dad is fully back to his psychopathic self.
When they talk about selling the house it is always with an if attached to it, these are the same people that eventhough this month has just started they are in the red as far as money goes (and they bought today things we do not need at all - last night is when i learned they were already in the red i told her something that we use in the kitchen was almost done so we should stop at the store they sell it and she said no we do not have the money and that thing cost less than 10$).
Oh and mom did not call the agent to tell him about the mistakes.
I forgot to say that today dad really wants to see our listing but mom is making sure that he do not come here because I heat this room because it is super cold in this basement (close it at night and reopen it when i open my computer right after getting up) and she says that he will freak out when he will learn this and she is really scared of that. I hope he freaks out so I can face him! I am not going to freeze just because he wants me to, he would open the heat too if he would be in this basement but the rest of us should freeze. Mom says that she likes it that way but when I go see her in her room she is clearly freezing! I also open the heat before my shower because I get cold easily especially when wet (close it after im out), they both know it and say nothing (have done that since we moved from Saint-Hubert - there it was so hot i did not need to do that).
Mom exploded on me less than an hour ago because I dared saying something against dad (just that i had to either wait until 21:00 or go close the oven with the oven fan full blast because he was watching a dubbed movie) I said something sarcastic and she repeated it so I left my room (she was here looking at houses and of course all the while pushing my buttons) and slammed my door then a few seconds later from upstairs I heard her slam her door.
These two psychopaths have zero plan to leave the house together for who knows how long so I cannot get away now and if I do these monsters will know where the bus I will take will go!
Mom acted normal after that freak out and has been since then too !
I did ask when we will go visit the two houses and maybe more in that city or near it and she started whining that they just put the house for sale then I said so then the plan is to do like all the other times and end up wherever then in trouble and she said something I did not understand sarcastically then went outside and acted normal.
In like two hours I will go upstairs to eat and take my vitamins, before that I will print the map and informations of a house near Matane and give it when both will be there, if they freak out and not calm down after I ask them what they plan to do then I will start the steps to get away from these two monsters, if they do not freak out of calm down I am giving them a few weeks and then if nothing is done to start looking then I am out.
A man is now in our house trying to do his job and of course dad yelled at him. He is an inspector and his job is just to go to houses and write everything that is new and he tried explaining to dad that he is not responsible for the taxes and everything else like that and dad kept yelling. Finally mom went upstairs and the man ignored dad and he is now able to do his job with mom. I think he just left. Dad of course yelled one more time. Yes, the man is still here because dad has start yelling again or he is yelling to mom.
Just another chapter in the crazy book that is sadly my family!
Gave a few minutes ago the map along with the informations about the big house near Matane, mom looked angry and said nothing while dad continued whistling like a psychopath. I asked mom this morning before breakfast and this time she said that the map and informations were still there and she did it angrily.
I do not know who dad was talking to on the phone before I got up but that person was being screamed, insulted and laughed at by him.
My stress level is totally out of control My therapist had to make a special visit to my home today I get so over whelmed that effects my mind And body in bad ways
I have to go to the hospital since this is the only way people who do not have a doctor in my province can see a doctor, I have to wait for my dad to come back from his walk then I am gone. Mom has been pushing my buttons almost non stop, my health is the only thing that I was blessed with so she is probably hoping this will leave me too so that my life is a complete hell in every aspect.
Plus a few minutes ago I just learned that the hours of peace on October 18 are gone, she had an appointment in Amqui but that woman (aesthetician) is going this month on a pregnancy vacation so that was taken away from me.
I hope there's not too many people in the emergency room and I hope that my infection is not serious!
Someone came by this morning very interested in the house .
She and a few other people are walking from city to city and she stopped here to get some information before continuing. She could not take pictures because she ruined her cell with rain yesterday. She will be back home in October and will check out our listing then and if she really is interested and the house is still available she will come and visit !
The medication I am taking is making me more sick than the infection did, except for most of the pain and all of the itching and smell (although the weeks prior to going to the hospital there were barely any if at all) it is the same! Even now I am in pain!
And of course my parents are enjoying every moments of this especially last night when I could not take one of the pills completely!
He will probably not be there. They have certain days where they have to work in an hospital then the rest of the time they work at their clinic. This is how it works in my province.
If you are worried about the suicidal thoughts this is not the medication doing that to me, my health is the only positive and I am afraid that I am losing it. I am not used to being ill and I am not used to having to take medication and when I do normally by this time I am better off than I am now. I also never had a medication making me sick like that.
I just went upstairs very scared telling both of them that I am numb from my head to nose to cheeks to gums to teeth to shoulders to neck and none of them reacted. Am I surprised? No!
Mom came here tonight after her bath, she comforted me but only by saying that it is normal to get side effects like that which is I guess huge of her.
I am going to the hospital soon, my right side of the nose started being numb again when I was trying to eat a breakfast and that is the last straw, metronidazole is a form of torture, I have read comments online of many people who threw it up and those people swallow pills I ate them!
I have something that is considered not serious so there is no way that in 2017 there's nothing else to get rid of this!
It is called metronidazole. I had to take two 250mg morning and then the same at night but I started Tuesday night so I had five doses left.
The pharmacist told me I did the right thing stopping that medication because what happened last night was like an allergic reaction and he thought I was lucky it did not go farther which he is sure would of happened this morning if I had taken the next pills.
I have another seven days of another antibiotic and he promised me that this won't leave a taste behind, it is a capsule of 300mg, I will put the powder on bread since it helped me a lot with these pills from hell and since I do not have to also chew a pill it will go faster plus it's only one at a time instead of two so that too will help.
That medication did take some of the symptoms but wow that leftover taste! I am still sick from it! I can still taste that pill plus when I eat and drink I barely taste anything!
This morning mom went on about divorce and how dad sucks and her life sucks because of him plus how this time it will be different and how she will take half of the money from the same of the house and she will also have a say about where we move; I stayed silent the entire time and she finally stopped, he was outside cutting the grass. Most of the times she actually is letting out steam but this time it was totally a trap to attack me, even when she is serious when doing that she always attacks when someone agrees with her or and say something against him.
For two mornings now mom has tried to force me to stop getting the pill ready to make way for dad who did not even want to eat his breakfast then and now she is trying to force me to stop eating to get the taste of the antibiotics out to go run the errands eventhough again that dad is not ready for it!
Dad when I was about to finish making some food to then eat the first pill of the day just closed his television then went outside for a few hours, all the while mom acted like he had left the family and it was all my fault, he a few minutes ago came back and went back to his television, he hasn't eaten anything yet and if he did drive somewhere then he should not have because he did not bring his glasses with him, oh he just started banging on the floor so maybe he'll eat now !
Mom showed again how much of a monster she is this morning.
I asked her how the hospital in Quebec is and she immediately freaked out saying that this is four to five hours away and she recommended the Rimouski hospital which she often speaks negatively of! I told her that if the people here cannot heal me then I will go to another hospital that is good because I refuse to live like that forever and that killing myself over bacterial vaginosis would be insane and she did not care one bit, she then ignored me then went outside and talked to me like everything was normal then immediately got an attitude when I answered.
These two do not care about me but since I am the only one insane enough to stay in their life they are too stupid to realise that if I leave their lives whether by dying or simply leaving they would of lost their only punching bag and only both of them would remain.
I had trouble sleeping last night. My husband says it is stress related and I am sure it is. My mother in law (92) lives with us; our habits are changed now; keeping up with meds and her doctors; my organization work; my interests; my grandchildren (and one stays with me on Fridays) has put me on edge.
Dad is running errands now and the moment mom knew he would not hear she started bashing him then went on about his and a few others disgusting they do that she also does and like usual she never realised or admitted that her too is like that. And of course she said threats to dad so that he of course could not hear. I did like I have done the last times said nothing and rolled my eyes.
He has a 8:30 appointment in a garage tomorrow in Rimouski and she wants to go to, if this is true then I am guaranteed a morning routine by myself.
They left for Ste-Florence a little after 9:00 and they came back after 17:00. These idiots are sitting at the kitchen table right now and the television is super high and someone pushed the door bell and none of them went to at least see who it was, it is especially stupid now since our house is for sale and it could be someone interested (a few days ago the same happened but mom ran to the bathroom and dad hid behind the fridge - i was going to answer and my psycho dad did it).
About an hour ago mom started a fight when the subject was paper towels and a few minutes ago she came here when I was listening to music and I asked her to repeat what she said because I did not hear most of it and she got angry !
Mom decided when I was eating breakfast this morning to start a fight then she proceeded to mock me and she just sat there after very proud like she had accomplished something amazing.
I decided to go with the silent treatment that I did to her in Ste-Florence. If by the time I have to go back to the hospital (sunday if things get worst - monday if things stay the same - later if things start to get better - theres still another symptom that the backup cream cannot do anything about so either way i have to go back there) she does not make the first step to talk again and if it is not to start any more trouble the moment I am finally healthy again I am out of here so that I am finally free from these monsters.
That witch is still walking around thinking she won a prize this morning. Dad is super happy since then since there is more drama in the house.
I thought about it earlier and when I gave her the silent treatment in Ste-Florence for a very long time it was a paradise for me and it was also fun because first she broke first and also she was super angry especially since I kept talking to dad and was doing everything myself without any help so this is what I will do now and keep on putting more money aside. If I move this year it will be after the Dallas Stars are finished with their season, I do not want to rush it and especially miss any games (they are the reason why i have not killed myself the past years so yeah they are important to me).
I hear you, jodirose. My stress level lately has been over the top too, to the point where I can't sleep at night. I just relocated about 800 miles and I have been very busy since I got here. I am running out of money fast and I have to find work soon. People have also not been very understanding or helpful and it's made the entire transition very difficult.
Dad is in a state of sadness and horror right now, the signal of the satellite went off a few minutes ago and after looking at the television screen in disbelief for a while he closed the television and sat in the dark looking at his television, I heard him walking a little bit after I started writing this and then silence again.
A miracle has happened, I had my entire morning routine in peace and not only with them being in the yard but also dad was finishing to dress to go outside where mom already was when I got up and he did nothing to push my buttons while doing that which lasted at least a full minute!
Tomorrow unless the weather is awful they will go to Ste-Florence, apparently they will both sleep there that night and dad will come back Wednesday then get mom Saturday or before or after; I will not jump from joy with having a full day to myself before it actually happens.
I was in the kitchen and at 15:02 I looked outside and saw dad arriving, two minutes later he was unlocking the front door then he went back outside for a few minutes before coming inside for good.
I am alive right now because of the Dallas Stars and that team remains the only reason I have left to live but of course something as simple as following a Hockey team cannot be easy and without stress for me so every year I get screwed at least once one way or another and for this season the first was this afternoon, with less than two minutes left to the game they cut the feed then went another channel that had a Football of what league I have no idea! Normally I am fast enough to get the rest on the internet but I could not this time. Why the hell can't I have one thing that is stress free (I LIVE IN CANADA AND THAT SPORT IS RELIGION HERE AND THEY WERE PLAYING AGAINST A CANADIAN TEAM)?
He washed his dishes all that time. He also pushed my buttons less than usual. The last day he had an attitude and pushed my buttons more than the previous days.
high today - I have a lot of work to finish up at my mother in law's house - I would like to get an auction house come in and take care of selling what is left.
Dad spends most of his time on television on "news" channels and today the main topic is bullying because a teenager killed himself due to this, before I got up I could hear dad hear about it and when I was upstairs cleaning my glasses a few minutes ago mom said right next to me that words can kill. So again proving that dad is a psychopath and mom a sociopath.
I got up when dad closed the door after 13:00 (a few minutes before still after that time mom went outside) mom came back when I was finishing my breakfast (she was so cold it took her a few minutes to start pushing my buttons) and dad just came back a few minutes ago (he is so tired he sat on his chair and he has not opened his tv).
Despite my life getting worst by the day I was able lately to stay calm but the past weeks it has been more and more difficult, I feel myself several times a day to the brink of losing it (this is happening right now), I will probably soon lose it which normally means I hit myself (havent done that in i think more than a year - the last time i hit myself so hard on the head i thought i gave myself a concussion).
When I was close to the end of my morning routine dad closed his television then mom came back from her walk and she went back outside and he went outside, he did came back almost immediately because he only went to get the mail which has been closer to our home for months thanks to work on our street that is not finished (will be in a few months - so they say) then several minutes later she came back but at least I got a few minutes of peace, when I can get a full second of peace it is always a miracle!
First I was hoping they would go on vacation (1 they want but will not go to because they know it would be a positive for me) then the hope was them visiting Ste-Florence and staying there the both of them at least one night, then it was them visiting Ste-Florence, then them running errands, then it was just the hope they would go outside and now all I have is to have the upstairs by myself. So I am afraid soon even that last thing would be out of the question except when they will be in bed.
There is a good news though; I have had something in my mind driving me almost to insanity and finally this morning I let it go and it is awesome, my brain is happy about it too!
The house was empty when I got up but almost immediately after opening my bedroom door dad came back inside. A few minutes ago I heard him go to the bathroom so I was hoping he was going to take his bath because I am about to go to the kitchen and no luck with that too!
Last night when cooking food he went to bed and she was downstairs so got that time alone in the kitchen. Also that morning they both ran errands, I was awake before they left and my plan was to get up then to have my morning routine alone but I fell asleep and woke up minutes before they came back, I was still in bed.
Today I got up when I heard dad go outside, mom was too, she came back more than ten minutes later to push my buttons and after she went back outside less than ten minutes later they came back. Dad went to get the mail earlier so that was a few minutes where the television was closed, I was downstairs though and he was taking his outside clothes off when I went upstairs.
As for me it is like the previous years, every new day brings more stress than the previous day. I have no idea why I keep coping with it especially since my health which was the only good thing in my life has left me last year and I cannot get back to normal despite that infection not being serious.
The blue house that was perfect (there would not have a tv where the kitchen is - we would of had a space for each of us - 2 bathrooms - less than 100000$ - no need for renovations - hours from here - many more good things) is gone!
As for here it keeps getting worst with every new day. They also are trying their best to have at least one of them in the house at all times so I can barely get one second of peace so now I only am hoping that when he takes baths (he often goes days without washing himself) she is downstairs so like that at least the kitchen and living room is free. Also sometimes his television is muted so at least for these seconds or minutes I do not hear that sound (he also sometimes go to the music channels which is less worst even when i hate the songs).
He muted his television once yesterday and took a bath while she was in her room (i had started something so finished it so missed the first minutes of the free kitchen). When I was in bed dad went outside (she stayed in), mom walked (he stayed in) and he muted his television at least twice.
Oh and now they cannot afford tissues anymore, we are about to run out and the way mom talks it will take maybe more than a week to get some and she had a puzzled look like she was wondering how they will afford it! Plus they still refuse to get the price of the house down despite having zero visitors and they still will refuse anything below 250000$!
I got more peace! Mom was out walking and I went upstairs to get food for the Stars who will start soon and he was checking something with his television closed then he got up and went outside for a few minutes (more than 10).
Got a few minutes of peace today; mom was walking and he closed his television to get the mail, he did come back for a few seconds (the first peace was less than 5 minutes - the last maybe 5 or a little more).
Got some peace today. He got the mail which gave me a few minutes then when mom came back from her walk she remained him of something and she went to the garage and him too to get something and that gave me a few seconds or even maybe one full minute.
A while ago I came back here and mom was telling dad (they are in the small room that leads outside - its where the water heater and water pump are the water heater was just changed because it was leaking - thanks to mom for many years keeping cents and putting it aside she had enough to buy another) that she will not last much more time here because the keeping of it all is killing her in addition of her health, of course dad was making light of it but surprisingly he was starting to get it and this is the moment she said that she does not want less than 250000$ ! The couple who had that house waited a long time before getting what they wanted but they were rich which is not the case with them!
They went to see the real estate agent. I heard mom moaning to herself before I got up while dad was running errands that she could not do it anymore (meaning taking care of this house) and she then tells dad when he comes back (was in bed still) that she does not want to sell unless they get the 250000$ they put in it. They went there to lower the price because there has been zero visitors so far, the woman who rang our doorbell while passing here walking with friends in September of course never came back to visit because the price is insane, they have yet to tell me how they lowered it, I'll just go check our listing later.
Had some peace today (which ended when i was replying to a post here); I got up thinking I would have at least a second excited about it because mom was getting ready to go outside while dad was there but dad came back while mom was getting dressed and I almost had a panic attack while he was banging on the floor then I heard nothing so I thought he was just again sitting in his television chair but I got upstairs and the house was empty !
Right now I think they are both outside, if this is not true then I will come back here (tomorrow - im not coming back here today thanks to wasting lots of time with the first post) to say it.
I almost had a panic attack while finishing my morning routine, they were going at it and dad was taking a long time to leave to get the mail and when he finally did she started to push my buttons and I had to open the bathroom fan to drown her which I hate doing because like that they know they are getting to me but I had no choice because I was close to losing it, since I was not able to hear her anymore I was able to calm down enough to not have a panic attack.
My morning routine ended less than an half hour ago and already I was close to three panic attacks! Two before breakfast (thanks to mom then dad) and one during breakfast (thanks to mom).
They are supposed to go to Ste-Florence soon so I am waiting for these hours of peace with impatience!
Also still no visitors, I won't be surprised with that insane price that we do not even get one visit this Summer, not even people who would just want to look will be impressed with that price.
I was close to one panic attack today and got some peace when they were both outside (that happened when i was doing the internet part of the morning routine - when i was brushing my teeth he came back then soon after while still brushing my teeth it was her who came back).
For a third time this year I lost part of a Hockey game and it was because of the channel not because of weather or myself or anything else and I also like the other times could not find it anywhere, finally with 17:09 left in the first it came on, it cost more than 1000$ a year for just these channels, I finally accepted the fact that I will never get to choose on which channel to watch my games and now I have this to deal with! I do not understand why I cannot have anything! All I want is to watch the Dallas Stars and all of the games from start to finish but apparently it is like asking to be able to travel through space like in movies or something! That team is the only reason why I keep going, I had that to look forward to and a part of that has been taken away from me and while costing me a bunch of money!
Had peace twice today, the first when I was in bed (they ran a few errands) and the second dad was outside and before he came back mom went to the garage (that gave me a few minutes).
Two days ago I got a few moments of peace, first dad went outside then it was mom's turn.
Today before breakfast mom went outside and dad had gone walking before I got up, he came back while I was finishing my morning routine and mom came back a few moments ago.
Dad went to a garage this morning in Rimouski and before I got up mom went to work in the garage, she was still there and dad was still gone when I got up but before breakfast she came back inside and before the end of the morning routine he was back.
I am having some peace right now, mom was outside when I got up and dad was getting dressed near the door when I was about to go upstairs to make the bed then eat breakfast.
So I could of gotten up when they left since I was awake or just wait a little but I would of been more tired than I am right now so I decided to get up when I was ready to get up, they came back when I was finishing my breakfast.
While dad was outside this morning a man approached him about our house, he talked about him to mom like he was a moron and I bet he talked to him like that too. Besides that and the woman this September who rang our door and asked a few questions about it nothing which is not surprising considering the amount they are asking for!
As for the rest they keep getting worst with every passing day so that has not changed. Sometimes I can get a few seconds or minutes of peace, yesterday afternoon I got more than an hour. They are supposed to go to Ste-Florence at the end of the month but this time they won't visit anyone they will go to the cemetery plus one or two store in Causapscal and at least one more in Amqui then they will come back.
A miracle happened this morning, not only I got peace but it was for the entire morning routine and even more than that! Plus now dad is outside (mom is in her room) so when I went upstairs a few minutes ago it was stress free (less than 2 hours ago he closed his tv to get the mail - mom was upstairs BUT at least the tv was closed and 1 of them was outside at 1 point).
Dad decided to go outside before my breakfast, mom was there to push my buttons but at least the television was not on, before he came back she went outside for a short time so that gave me some peace.
At the end of the afternoon I went upstairs to cook some food and he was outside, now he is taking a bath and I decided that I will make my last plate of food in advance (wanted to do it at 20:00 and its 19:31 so no big difference).
I thought they would not go work outside today then before breakfast mom did and it then looked like he would not but when I was getting my breakfast ready he did so that gave me some peace. He had been back from outside or running errands when I got up and he had been back for several minutes but it was after I was up that he opened his television. Now I am waiting for him to take his bath or go to bed to make some food.
Was able to get a few hours of peace. When I got up dad was coming back from talking with a neighbor, of course the television was soon opened. Now like last night I am waiting for the upstairs to be cleared (well the kitchen at least).
Since my last post here I got a few moments of peace including at least once getting all my morning routine in peace. It has always been with them being in the yard so every seconds they could come back. Also a few of those times he actually was working outside instead of walking around or sitting so he ended up with back pains and for a few straight days he went to bed during afternoon which thankfully meant his television was off. They were supposed to go to Ste-Florence (only the cemetery and then errands in 2 other cities - maybe they changed their mind or will when there and visit anyway) Wednesday but Thursday I have an appointment in Mont-Joli so I do not know if it means it changed their mind for that but they will go there soon anyway it is just the when I am not sure.
Got peace twice today (first with 2 interuptions [that peace started before i got up] and the other with no interruption) and also he took his bath at the start of the night so that left a few minutes with the kitchen and living room free. I have been the past months mostly waiting for him to go to bed and then go upstairs to make the last plate of food of the day but I have a 21:00 show (normally would watch later on HBO but i have insomnia + tuesday and thursday i have set times to get up) so I was not able to do that tonight (i may decide soon until the Dallas Stars starts their season to get up earlier and earlier which would give me free morning routines but the night routines would not be anymore - im asking myself what i like more and i think i prefer the night routine in peace since after its bedtime).
I was not able to get any peace today. Normally when he goes outside I know it but for a while this afternoon mom kept going outside and coming back so I just thought it was her again so I missed a few minutes without his television working. Once when getting upstairs I could not hear his television so I thought he was outside but he was still like usual sitting in his chair (when its not what hes doing he is walking around banging all over the floors) with the television in mute mode.
Apparently tomorrow mom is not coming to Rimouski too so I will be alone with a psychopath (she is a sociopath which is not better but between the 2 he is the most on the edge of completely losing it so the more dangerous).
Also I have again no idea when they will go to Ste-Florence, the other day I was sure they would go but now I am not too sure anymore.
It is official they decided not to go back to Ste-Florence (they decided it a while ago but finally i was told today).
Was able to get a few minutes of peace today three when all those times she went to the garage (first 2 he was running errands which gave a while without his tv).
Still no visitors.
Got another few minutes of peace, before that he closed his television then went outside and she went to the garage and minutes later he came back.
Before I got up she went outside then he went outside to cut the grass and before I got up she several times went outside for short periods of times. Since I have been up I have had three moments of peace (1 with an interruption + the first for a short time). I have to get upstairs soon to make soon, when I started typing this he went in their bedroom so I hope it is to get his pajama and to take a bath, no the television is still on , last night he waited until I was done in the kitchen and this is when he took his bath, knowing how much of a psychopath he is that was done on purpose.
Just went upstairs and his pajama is indeed in the bathroom so I will wait until he closes his television, what I want to eat will take too long so he will be done before me but at least I will have a while instead of none at all!
Got peace once for a very short time. Also before we all left he closed his television then went outside but he was so disgusting while we were out that even mom got angry at him and even thrown back his attitude right at him and talked against him when he was not there (normally when she does that it is to make me say something bad too then insult or and scream at me but not this time).
I should be eating something to then start my night routine since I am extremely tired but I do not want to deal with that psychopath so I decided to wait it out tonight.
Got some peace yesterday with no interruptions (no peace the previous day - the best i was able to get is him muting his tv for like a minute - she did go outside a few times for short periods but since he was still there with his tv on this did not help me) and I could of had the entire morning routine alone (which would of been a miracle since she was still in the house when i got up getting ready to go outside but somehow she did not push my buttons) but dad decided to stop cutting the grass and sit on a chair on the front porch and before that he pushed my buttons (yes from OUTSIDE).
Yesterday got peace once with three interruptions. Also he took his bath earlier and I took that opportunity to cook my last plate in advance, I just set it aside until I was ready to finish the night in front of the television.
Had peace four times yesterday (first and last with 2 interruptions and the others were very short times).
Also the new neighbor (bought the house on our left not too long ago) was re-located from his job here and a while ago our real estate agent told my parents that at least twenty from the same company will come here like that so a group of people looking for houses, hopefully one of them will buy this darn house! Until then we still have zero visitor.
Got peace twice (1 interruption the second). He also went outside three times, she did too but with just him it cannot be an half peace because her at least she can have normal conversations sometimes plus she can like things other than abusing me.
Yesterday got peace twice. He went outside a few other times plus somehow managed to also take a while to open his television when back. I decided to wait for him to take his bath for my last plate of food despite being very tired and thankfully (probably because 1 of the times he went outside he actually worked) he did that not too late, got scared when he came out because I was not done but then he went to bed.
I will stop counting all the peace that comes from them being outside, first of all they are close then they can come in at any times but it is especially because they sometimes push my buttons from there! Not too long ago I was eating breakfast and he went to sit on a chair that is on the front porch and to get there he started to stomp on the path leading to it then the stairs then on the porch then he finally sat down.
We are all in control over how we choose to react to outside stimulus. If someone stomps I could choose to be upset by it, because the noise of the stomp intruded on my quiet. But that would be as un-useful as being upset at the sound of a car driving past the house. They are just sounds. There is no reason at all for me to be upset about a random sound which will be gone in a few seconds anyway.
The noise made by a family member is a reminder to us that they are alive, which hopefully we feel is a good thing. I don't imagine you are sitting there wishing for him to drop dead. In that case, every time you hear a stomp, think of it as a message from God or the Gods or the Spirits or whatever you believe in that he is still in your life. He is still there present for you to ask questions of and to talk to. Because, very soon, he won't be. Very soon, he'll be completely gone and you'll wish you had him there with you.
The stomps are a sign. They are a message to you. They are like a meditation chime. You need to learn to *hear* them. They won't be there forever.
Right now, you're hearing those messages and thinking "I'm angry he's here". You want to change that message, for your own health and for the sake of the environment you are creating for yourself. Unless you'd really be happier if they were both dead and you were there all alone?
They do that on purpose to drive me insane so why would I be glad to hear these noises? Should I also be glad when they insult me? Should I be glad of the one time he beat me? Should I be glad of the time he was so disgusting to me at school which made one of my bullies who was there feel bad for me? Should I be glad of all the times my mom manipulated me? Should I be glad of all the lies? Should I be glad of when they blamed me for being stuck in this house that they cannot afford and sell? Should I be glad of all the humiliations in front of strangers and people I knew? Should I be glad when they stole my savings from me? Should I be glad when mom compared me to someone she hates? Should I be glad every time they gave me the silent treatment (that along with all the other abuse started when we were young and was done to both of us)? Should I be glad of when mom called me (started with the f word that is censored here) crazy because I did not put my left shoe on to go to a clinic because that little toe was dislocated then when I was back home she was angry at me and ignored me and dad who was back from work found all of that hilarious? Should I revisit every single moments of abuse from both and enjoy it all?
Should my brother be glad of his abuse from both of them if he still was alive?
I do not care for them since they do not care about me. Up until they decided to become full time monsters (they did not have much positives but they decided to get rid of all of these positive things inside them) I wanted to get away from them but I may of still kept them in my life or at the least still cared a little but the way they have tried to kill me with all this new abuse since late 2009 that is non-stop all the little love I had for them is all gone.
That saying of blood is thicker than water is stupid and the idiot who came up with it certainly was not born in a family of monsters!
And why am I the one who has to do anything to get our relationships better? I am their child! Who cares what age I am! They are the parents! None of them has ever apologised or did anything else to try to change our relationships! None of them have shown any remorse for anything! Not even the death of my brother changed any of that! Not even when we are on the date he died, they do not even let up on the abuse on that day! They are the ones who made me and my brother and they hated us probably even before our births!
I and my brother have done nothing to them and we have done nothing to deserve being born from two monsters and it is not up to me to do anything about our family and it also would not of been up to my brother if he was still here!
Parents are just people who make mistakes. Clearly these two have made lots of mistakes. If they are flawed it's unlikely they will have the ability to heal things for you. Just because they had sex doesn't mean they have any other ability.
You need to care for you. You can't expect them to do that. So to expect them to fix your stress, which is inside your own head, doesn't make sense.
You don't heal your stress to help them. You do it to help you. You're the one whose body is being harmed by it.
If you really dislike them that much, stop living with them. Period, the end. Stop relying on their house and furniture and kitchen equipment and everything else. Move out right now. Be on your own and away from them. You have the money. If you don't leave, it is because you want to be with them. That's the only other choice.
If you're going to choose to live with them, you need to choose not to be stressed by them. That is also the only logical choice.
There are many children who are abused throughout their childhoods. One is rarely 'glad' of being abused. One accepts that parents are simply humans who are flawed. One realizes we don't have a time machine and the past is long gone. It is beyond any change. One releases the anger and stress of past memories as being wholly unhelpful for what one is doing now.
Your stress only hurts you. It fills your body with noxious chemicals which destroy your health. Being stressed about the past can't help in any way. It can only hurt. And it hurts *you*. It makes sense for your own health to release it.
You wouldn't keep stabbing yourself with a knife all day long, would you? That would seem silly. And yet we can allow ourselves to wallow in stress over something which doesn't even exist any more.
Let it go. You have better things to invest your energy in. The past is gone. Only you control your present.
"I keep on telling myself that now at least I live in a place I like and that I do have enough money to get away when I am ready (will be more when the insurance finally pays us)."
You had plenty of money to live on your own in May 2015. It is now July 2018. That was over three entire years. You have had three entire years to find an apartment. You chose to stay with your parents instead. That was your personal choice. Why would you have chosen to remain when it was so incredibly easy to leave? All you had to do was pack your things and step out the door. Kids do that every single day, with no money at all. You could do that right now. It would take ten minutes top and you would be wholly free of them.
If you are going to choose to live in this house, you need to choose not to be stressed by it. It is your health you are damaging every day.
Abusing your own child is not a mistake! This is why criminals are not punished because everything is excused! Like the last time a parent forgot his child in the car who cooked alive was not too long ago in my province and the place he was supposed to bring his baby was blamed, now many people wants a law that will force the people who works where they babysit kids and babies to call the parents after realising the kids are not there after a certain amount of time! No! It is to the parents to take care of their kids and not anyone else! And again not everything is a mistake! Forgetting your bank card in the ATM machine is a mistake, or thinking your movie or show is on a channel then when there you find out it's on another is a mistake, what is not a mistake is letting your kid cook alive in your car and it is also not any of what my own parents did to me!
And by the way I know I should of moved away decades ago, that I am still with these monsters is on me, not anything else even the new ways they come up with to torture me because all that is on them! Anyway the way you talk it is never our fault so I do not know why you think all I have to do is leave (AGAIN i know that its what i have to do). My friends think it is not my fault that it is all the abuse that started when I was born (PROBABLY EVEN BEFORE) and yes they have screwed me royally but I am not kept in chain and I live in a country where I have rights and exit doors.
If one day you feel like your soul is dead (felt that way in Ste-Florence - im still very much in a low place but at least i do not feel that way anymore) we'll see how strong you are and how easy for you it is to forgive.
"We got the insurance check Monday and tomorrow my parents are going to deposit it in Amqui (they say they dislike the people working in the 1 closest to us) so I should have my part tomorrow. It is a low amount they are giving so my part will be 10000$, I have 20000$ so in total I will have 30000$ which is a very nice amount."
You had **$30,000** which is more than most people ever have in their bank accounts. You should immediately move out to an apartment. Immediately. If you are so miserable there the only way for you to heal and find a job and anything else is to be away from those people. There is no reason in the world you should still be there.
Are you saying it is a correct thing to do? There are two options. A correct thing and an incorrect thing. Abusing a child - hitting them in any way - is always an incorrect thing. That is what the word mistake means. It is the wrong choice.
"It is to the parents to take care of their kids and not anyone else!"
That is also not true at all. All it takes to make a child is to have sex. By your logic, if a man raped a teenage 11-year-old-girl the man is a parent and gets to take care of that child. Many times it is up to others to take care of the child and NOT the parents. Many parents are just not meant to be parents. Having sex is just a physical act. Caring for a child requires far more talent than that.
It is never easy to forgive. But it is important for YOUR HEALTH that you learn to. It's not like you're hurting them with your stress. You are only hurting YOU. You are hurting yourself every day, just as if you are stabbing yourself with a knife.
You need to stop hurting yourself. Either you need to move away or you need to learn to release the stress. It makes zero sense to actively try to hurt yourself more, when every day is precious.
A mistake is something that is not planned, not done on purpose. My parents planned both of us and on purpose abused us since our births. They also made the choice of keeping with the abuse when one of their child died. It is their own choice so it is not mistakes we are talking about. I gave you two examples of what are mistakes. Want another one? Okay you are in a grocery store and you want original Ritz but you pick one that has less salt in it instead because you were too quick and the boxes looked the same. Not a mistake? You enter that grocery store with a gun and you rob the place and while at it shoot at least someone.
And I have no idea how many times you want me to say that it is my fault that I am still with them but this is the last time; for that I am done.
I suppose you will tell me when I am on my own to just stop thinking about that abuse, to just get over my depression, just do not have panic attacks, just do not jump. You did tell me to tell my brain to not be afraid of spiders anymore so I suppose this is what I should do when I am far from my parents? Oh and also apparently to beat shyness all you have to do is go out and be around people and just talk to whoever. Hey you should open an office and tell people who have PTSD of any kind to just tell their brain that everything is okay and to just stop having triggers and panic attacks and anxiety attacks too. I have a friend who was raped twice and the last time it was by a group where they also injured seriously her back, she also ended up in debt because of her husband and she did not left him and the last time I heard from her she was still with him, if she can afford a new computer or to repair her broken one I could give you her email address so you can tell her to just forget about it and be happy that her husband is alive when he treats her like garbage, she also has serious damages to her teeth and gums which she cannot afford to take care of, while at it you could tell you to ignore the pain, hey that would be like with my phobia just tell her brain that she is not in pain. Wow what a genius you are.
And by the way when the hell did I say that a parent is a parent when he or she had sex with the opposite sex to make a child?
Oh I just thought about it since all I have to do is either ignore or tell my brain something maybe I should just tell my brain that I do not have insomnia or and ignore the insomnia, hey I will try that tonight and see if I can sleep a normal night tonight yep I am sure this is all it takes !
A mistake is something we do that is incorrect. If we choose a wrong answer on a test we make a mistake. It could be that in Canadian there is a different meaning for the word, but in my readings and discussions in the US if someone does something wrong they say "I made a mistake." Everything we do is on purpose. We choose our actions. How can we do something not on purpose? There is no alien creature controlling us. Our own brains control our actions. We choose every action we take.
If someone chooses not to look at what they are doing that is a choice. If they make an incorrect decision based on faulty data that is a choice. Everything we do in life is a choice. We have to own up to our choices.
You are an adult person who is still choosing to live with your parents long past the age of 18. Those people are abusive to you. You should leave. My sister left our house when she was 15. I left when I was 17. There was no way we were going to stay in a house with parents who did not treat us well. We left. That's what children do when they are no longer minors. They leave.
There is no reason to stay. Zero. None. You should leave.
You talk about all the problems and issues and stresses you have, caused by them. Leave. You are choosing to stay in a toxic stew which harms your health every single day. Leave.
Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere with no stress. Choose a counselor to talk with, to help you. With the stress you've been through, you absolutely need help. You deserve a quiet place without those people there hurting you.
Choosing to stay in that toxic house makes zero sense.
You can leave. You are choosing to stay. That is harming you daily. Leave.
If you need help to leave, because you can't carry your things, then get a helper. And leave.
For the gazillion time I know it is my own fault that I am still with them! That does not erase the fact that they are monsters! It also does not erase what they did to me since my birth and that I will have to live with it the rest of my life (AND YES STARTING WHEN I COULD OF LEFT IT IS ON ME)!
And no not everything we do can be mistakes! Again that way of thinking is the main reason why there are so many criminals and people who just do not care and people who sue when they do idiotic things! There is zero common sense now! No accountability! Hey it is not my fault, I just made a mistake and heck you do not even have to say that because someone like you will come along and say it is not your fault all the while attacking someone who do accept their own fault!
Anyway I am done with this; I restarted again last week and if I want to stick with it this time instead of again not sticking with my decisions and restarting again I better do a few changes and not having an insane discussion (BY THE WAY i have no idea why you decided to start that the other day - i thought i had no life but at least i do not start trouble with others on the internet). Oh and that goes for anywhere else here too. I should of ignored you from the start or at least later that day but I guess it is better late than never.
I'm confused why you are disagreeing with me about your parents. I am *agreeing* with you that their actions are unhealthy for you. I am *agreeing* that what they are doing is wrong. I am *agreeing* that you should be far away from them. I am agreeing with you. They are not good people to be around. Agreed. Done.
I'm also confused why you are disagreeing with me about criminals. I am *agreeing* with you that criminals make bad choices which hurt others. They should be accountable for those bad choices and decisions. That is my entire point. People make choices. There is no space alien controlling their minds. They, themselves, make those choices and should be held accountable. That's exactly what I said. It is a person's fault every choice they make. They can and should be held accountable for those choices.
I am trying to help you. You have been stuck in a nasty situation for well over three long years where every single day you are upset with the toxic swamp you are in. I am trying to help you escape. If you saw a person stuck in a toxic situation for over three long years and crying out for help every single day for three long years, I would hope you would do the same thing. Hopefully every caring person would.
Our washer is a lemon (dad picked it out and the dryer too despite NEVER have washed anything in his life except his hair and body and hands), I had to wash all of my washcloths and towels this morning and mom decided to start it again a few minutes after it was started, I told her not to because it would become all screwed up but she did anyway and like usual it became all screwed up and for about an half hour now she has started it several times which means lots of wasted water and also I do not know if I will have anything to wash and dry my face plus the towels for my hair and body! Oh and of course she is [censored] off and it is my fault!
It is always something with them, they always have to find a way to start trouble and then whine and complain that nothing ever works!
Your parents are never going to change. They have been this way for years and it is their way of being.
Your health is all important. There is no reason for your health to be continually and daily damaged because your parents are the way they are. It would be like your heath being damaged because the sun rose in the east. It's out of your control. Out of your control. Out of your control. Say that to yourself as a mantra.
You need to detach yourself from paying attention in any way to the things they do. There is no reason to pay attention to them. There is no reason to be emotionally involved with them. For as long as you are in that house, your #1 goal needs to be to protect and improve your health. That means lowering your stress. That means detaching emotionally from the things they do.
Think of your parents as research experiments. They are examples of poorly operating human beings. DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED. Detach yourself. DO NOT STRESS ABOUT THEM. Detach yourself. Observe what they do and turn away.
Stop watching for or counting the "bad" things they do. That activity reinforces those actions in your mind. You are deliberately adding stress to your world. You need to *separate* yourself from them emotionally. Instead you keep actively connecting yourself to them. And then you suffer every day.
They are out of your control. What they do does not matter.
It's life-critical for you to do this. Everything else depends on it.
I have created a meditation video for you on dealing with stressful people. It explains the concepts I have been discussing.
Please watch the video. It is your health which is in danger. You need to learn how to protect yourself.
Last Friday I had several panic attacks because I thought I was going blind, a few seconds after going to bed I started seeing something small that was several colors and it was also flashing then it became bigger and bigger and bigger so I got up and it was worst with the lights on so got back to bed and it got worst but finally slowly stopped, I somehow not only managed to not have a panic attack then but also sleep a little, woke up with the two monsters screaming at each others and did not fell back asleep, after 9:00 they left for errands and I got up and talked with a secretary of the eye clinic we go to in Matane, by then I actually was calm but she immediately said oh that can be very serious and we have to see you right away and that was my first panic attack of the day, she hung up to talk to the doctor, waited minutes then called them but they were separated and mom later called me, called back and we managed to get there before 11:15 and thankfully nothing was wrong, he even did a few more tests to help me relax, that was a migraine which I have had but I never got that symptom before. Of course these two being monsters did not made any attempt to calm me, they even were angry because they could not finish their errands plus of course did not even stop pushing my buttons, the people working at Iris though were all nice to me and all of them did everything possible to calm me.
Since then no panic attacks and they both still are monsters getting worst by the day, had waxing done yesterday which gave me a chance to talk with someone normal face to face.
Tomorrow I am restarting again, that last restart was doing well but I dropped everything Friday. I will do things differently though so hopefully that will help me not to give up.
Also I am so fed up with the internet, everywhere we go here there are either crazy leftists or it is news about them or we have the Kardashians or other worthless people right in our face so I will probably soon start a vacation from the internet, anyway my computer is dying on me and I do not want to repair it. I will just start walking again and besides television where I will get the news from Tucker Carlson and watch of course the Dallas Stars (probably will cut that too but at least this is not driving me nuts) I will color, color by numbers, dot to dots, puzzles, sow, and many other things. When I do that I will then get a new computer and go back online in my new place which I have no idea when I will get and where so I could be offline for a long time if I do that before knowing when I will move, I am even thinking of continuing this in my new place even if I am offline for more than a year, this is how fed up I am with being online now!
Well soon I will watch from start to finish a movie I love that has Michael Fassbender so that will be awesome !
I am so sorry to hear about the panic attacks. Stress and lack of sleep can absolutely cause those and migraines as well.
The stressful environment your parents are creating is causing enormous damage to your health.
For your own health, I absolutely encourage you to get help from the doctors, the nurses, and everyone else to get away from them. You need to take that step. There are people who will help you. Reach out to them and get your help. It will only get worse every day you stay. The fact that you refer to them as monsters says everything. You need to get away.
It went well, I made a small decision then later a smaller decision and later I looked both over to make sure I had not forgotten any options for both.
Tuesday I will finally have some real peace since mom has an appointment with a doctor in Amqui, after they will only run errands there so no visits in Ste-Florence but that will still give me a few hours for the first time in who knows how long, they even stopped for a long time to go run errands close to here together so that one always was here to drive me insane (lately they started going together again) so the best I could get was when they were both outside.
And I was close to not having insomnia (had a few of those nights already during this darn insomnia).
Oh and I was actually able to eat at the kitchen table for a meal other than the breakfast yesterday because dad was outside.
Still going with it and still no doubt despite being awaken (well 1 of the times being awaken) with the phone ringing and hearing mom talking with the secretary of the doctor she had an appointment with tomorrow, I knew they were canceling it so no peace for me tomorrow, she crossed it on the calendar that has our appointments and wrote something but I only could read September but I am not sure if this is when she has to call for an appointment or when she will go.
Tomorrow if tonight my insomnia is gone I will do a few things to prepare a vacation from the internet if it is still there then later today if what I check (a house that would be perfect - checked it a while ago and it was still there) is gone then tomorrow I will pick a date to start that offline time and if it is still there I will do the second parts of the restart tomorrow.
I will continue what I started Friday. Tomorrow I will continue it or if the insomnia goes away tonight it would be my last day on the internet and if later today the gorgeous old house is gone I will decide when to start that computer vacation.
It went super well (before i checked the old house and it was still available - would not of done it if it was not). My insomnia is still there (i still go with if it leaves that day will be my last on the internet). If the old house is still available when I look later today I will continue what I did yesterday (my next step would be monday).
Still have insomnia and yesterday the beautiful old red house was still there, if it is still there later and I still have insomnia and it is still there tomorrow I will tomorrow continue the restart.
The house was still available and the insomnia is still there, if the house is still available today (im looking after checking the emails after the morning routine is done) I will today continue the restart, if not then if the insomnia is still there tonight (if i do the other thing i go with this too) then tomorrow I decide when to start the internet and computer vacation.
All the decades of teeth grinding slowly took a toll (first my enamel started to go away then it was pieces of fillings and teeth then last year gum recession and now it has changed the place of a few teeth and my jaw started hurting) so tomorrow I will call my dentist.
Yesterday was one of the most stressful days since I woke up to do my exercise before work then took a bath, got dressed and went to work. When I reached work there was a pile of work just ready for me to complete since we had an overflood of clients. Once I completed my work I had to go to one of my best friends wedding. When I went back home I was super exhausted that I had more work which stressed me out making it difficult for me to sleep.
Hi, 10 ways to stop stress level Get enough sleep. Learn relaxation techniques. Strengthen your social network. Hone your time-management skills. Try to resolve stressful situations if you can. Nurture yourself. Ask for help.
= stress level back to zero!!!
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Smiling on the inside... (he-he).
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yep I am sure this is all it takes