BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids names and marriage

Julie,

yes, I did tell him that. his response was there is likley 200,000 people out there with the same last name as us. its not like the name solely belonged to one family.
I am putting this on the backburner for a little bit. I know he has been struggling with his family excluding us because we dont want kids. I understand that if I/or both of us drop their last name it would likely block any sort of peace treaty we may (as a whole family) work out 1,3,5...10 years from now.
if they would just let this stupid "must have babies" mentality go!!

Marie -

Backburnering can be a good idea sometimes. It is unfortunate that they are making such a big deal about not having kids!

Julie

Ah... name change. One of the topics I have to deal with on almost a daily basis. I have been in the midst of changing my name since last December. It is a never ending process and I would never choose to do it again. EVER. Especially since kids are not in our future and we don't have to worry about how to "name the children". But, it made the hubs happy. He owes me, and I remind him of it often. HA! My quick advice to our original poster: leave well enough alone OR talk with a girlfriend who is divorced and decided to change her name back. You will find it's even more difficult than changing it the first time around. Keep us posted on what you decide and how it goes...

Australian and not taking his name! I'm actually going to be getting married soon and, thankfully, my future husband has no problems with me not takinghis name at all. None of my friends share my views, they are all extremely maternal, traditional, etc. Whenever that conversation about hyphenated last names comes up, the general consensis is always that it's considered a silly idea. Absolutely everyone seems to think that the lady should take the mans name. I have only ever met one hyphen lady. I am the first (Australian) person I have ever met (lol how does one meet oneself, anyways..) who has chosen not to even hyphenate. WHY should I have to change my name? My name is who I am! It has already been chopped and changed all thoughout my childhood because of my mother's divorces, so the second I turned 18 I asked the man who raised me (but didn't make me) to, as a very personal gift, give me his name. Nys. He paid the $80, and from that day forward I was not only unofficially Nys, but also on paper. Why should a woman be forced to betray her roots, her very upbringing, this precious symbol that is her maiden name? It just makes no sense to me. My fiance is so great. He is the only person who responded with immediate support, rather than "why?" or just silence and a raised eyebrow. My family once hosted a German exchange student, who had taken his mother's last name. His brother (related to him fully by both parents) took his father's name. Their parents never married. To them, it seemed unneeded to marry, as it is just a christian ceremony, and they aren't even christians. I wholeheartedly agree, even though I am a Christian. By the way, his mother is the only woman I have ever met who did the same thing that I will be doing. Staying myself. Really, if you truly do want to not consider your family your family anymore, and only associate with your husbands family exclusively as changing you name to his would imply (by my thinking, anyway), that's your loss. Anyway, Steve is going to be my husband! And NOT my brother! Alexandra Thomas? Ew!

As another poster said in Canada unless you make the choice to change your last name its assumed that you are not changing your last name period. N actually offered to change his last name to mine and drop his all together, his last name is very common local phone book has almost three pages worth of listings for ppl with his last name, yet only about a dozen for mine. I don't really know what it would take here in Ontario for him to change over to my last name as I never looked into it in the first place (maybe I should) it wouldn't hurt him at all that I know of since he's making a fresh start here in Canada any how so maybe a last name change would go well towards that (he's Irish born but was raised in the US) since they wont nothing to do with us because he chose to move to me instead of me moving to be with him and some other junk. As it is right now, I just use my Maiden name and socially am known with his last name

Marie, how are you doing on this issue? I don't blame you for putting it on the backburner. That really sucks that the family is still stuck in "must have babies" mentality and excluding you two. That's a family battle for another day for us, I expect . . . I did finally change my name. I ended up choosing Maidenname. I went back to my birth name, but added onto the middle (e.g. Mary changed to MaryAnne). The addition was inspired by happyone, choosing a name with significance to remind me to be myself, similar to her reminder to be strong. I also felt if I'm doing all this work, may as well make it better than what I started with. It cost me between $100-200. Hubby wasn't happy about it but has become more accepting about it. Most of the time it's no big deal, but once in a while comments will creep up (when I gave my name to pick up an order, he said, "I forgot about that" and when my good friend asked what my middle name was, he said "I don't even know what it is"). So that is sometimes hurtful, but I feel it's been worth it overall. Later he used my new middle name affectionately, so maybe he has since gotten over it or considered my feelings. Since I'm not the strongest, I've sometimes wished I had chosen to go with just my birth name so I could not have to explain the addition. But I do like it, so I don't feel that way all the time. Maybe it would be the same for you? He might also be less upset about it after you change back to Maidenname than he was initially. It's been a sometimes rocky road. Part of the agreement with my husband was to go by Hisname with his family. So professionally and on IDs, credit cards, etc. I've made the switch to Maidenname. (Professionally was fairly easy since I did it when switching lines of work.) My siblings, parents, and close friends also are in the know. But that leaves Facebook in a weird kind of limbo. It currently says First Maidenname Hislast. How do I not draw his family's attention? I haven't figured that out yet. I know how important identity is, and I relate to your pride in your maiden name. I'm guessing we feel similar discomfort in being addressed as Hisname. I doubt that either of our husbands appreciate the difficulties we've dealt with, not having gone through this themselves. I sure didn't understand what I was getting into when I changed it in the first place. If I had, I never would have done it!!!! My situation is still not ideal, but I feel closer. Sometimes I despair at how difficult getting this far has been and how hard it can be on me in stress, anxiety, regret over past mistakes and current circumstances. But other times I am proud of the steps I've taken to make things a bit better. And when I get mail with Maidenname or sign a credit card receipt, it sure feels good. I'm finally to the point in my life where at least on the inside, I'm myself and solid in my dearest beliefs. But it's taking time and babysteps to live out loud. It might be easier to just get it out there and over with rather than hiding it from certain groups, but I don't feel like I can do that.

Marie, I cannot believe his family would stop speaking to you over reproduction. Is that really all it's about? As for the name , It may ave been easier to not have taken the name to begin with. I kept my birth name, but in your situation it may show your husband that you're being the better person in terms of his family. I still can't get past the fact that parents would be willing to lose their relationship with their son, and sisters their brother over a choice not to reproduce; how terribly sad. Can't they agree to disagree and keep it off limits. My word, it's none of their business! Wishing you and hubby will make ple Ty of friends that support your life decisions or at least view them with an open mind.