This is my first post. I decided to post here since this forum has brought me so much comfort as a CF woman without many CF people in my life. So thank you! I got married 4 years ago, and I was under a lot of pressure from my husband to change my name. I really did not want to. I ended up changing it to First Middle Maiden Hislast. I thought that way my name is still there and he was happy. Now I know that this "solution" is not adequate. Since middle names are hardly ever used, it's like my maiden isn't even there. It's not good enough for just me to know it's there. I'm a feminist at heart but was raised to be a people pleaser. It kills me that I changed my name. Now I'm trying to be a grown up and live how I want to. But I don't know what I want exactly! Maybe I'd like to have it changed back or maybe I should hyphenate. All I know for sure is I want my maiden name to be prominent. I understand I'll probably need to go to court to have it changed. I don't know if I could convince the DMV to change my ID to First Middle-Initial Maiden Hislast and then start going by First Maiden Hislast. Social security cards don't designate which name is what type, so maybe I could swing that. That would be easier, but how could I then prove it to all the companies that I do business with online or over the phone (e.g. credit card companies, etc.)? Send them a copy of my ID? Has anyone else here dealt with this kind of issue with your spouse? With agony over name choice? I'd appreciate hearing about your experiences. I'm also considering changing my middle name while I'm at it (if I go to court), to a name starting with the same letter as the current one. Has anyone encountered a lot of trouble from changing a middle name?

Hi Iris -

My birth name is Julie L. Baumler. When I got married I legally changed my last name to "Baumler HisLast" no hyphen. My husband didn't push me in any way, but he was happy I took his name. I use my maiden name only professionally as I already had a strong professional reputation and had been published under that name. However, in non-professional contexts, I use his last name. I pretty much don't use the two together anywhere. Part of the reason I changed my name is that my mother's name is quite similar to mine (enough that people will think we are the same person and they had the name wrong) and we had the same initials. I'm thrilled to have different initials from hers to sign my needlework with, for instance. I know that part of the reason I feel comfortable with my new name though is that it is of the same ethnic background so I don't feel like I'm losing my identity.

Anyway I've had no problem using either name on it's own. In my state, you can pretty much go by any name you want as long as you are not trying to hide anything, and one way to legally change your name is just to start going by that name. Check the rules for your state, it's likely you can just use your maiden name. Most companies don't care what your name is as long as you pay them. :-)

I do wish we did things like they do in Germany though. There you pick a family name when you get married that is the name that the family is referred to by (and I believe any children are given), but the women don't change their names. So you'd go as Mr and Mrs FamilyName, but you'd keep your birth name as your name.

Julie

I'm still shocked by how many women change their names in the US. Here in Canada, very few of my friends have changed their names and in the province of Quebec, you aren't allowed to change your name after marriage...that law has been in effect for many years because I have friends whose grandmothers never changed their names. My husband (who is American) assumed I would change my name until I told him that wasn't going to happen! I've always known I would be keeping my maiden name because I've always liked it, it's easy to spell and pronounce, and my dad is an only child so the name will basically die with me and my brother. Also, I knew I wasn't going to have kids so why change my name?

I suppose the name change rules are different everywhere, but here it is fine to use your husband's name except on legal documents (ie passport) even if you haven't legally changed it. Of my few friends that have changed their, it's your option of Herfirst Hermaiden Hislast, and they use all three names. We don't have to go to court to change our names legally, it's a simple paper application that costs like $180. To change your name on bills or whatever, just send them a copy of your legal name change.

The laws on changing your name vary from state to state. In many cases, you have to go to court and explain to a judge why you are changing and prove that you aren't doing it to escape legal obligations. In some states, I believe you have to run newspaper ads annoucing the change so that debtors and such can find you. It can be a super complicated process. So you really have to want it.

Hey Iris28,

good topic as it is something I have been struggling with myself. I did take my husbands name and now almost a decade later I want to change it back. I feel like I can't though because he would be hurt and everybody would probably think there is a problem in our marriage. theres no problem. just in my heart of hearts I am a STEIN!

I like what they do in germany, by taking a family name. its kinda lame that in the US most guys are looking for you to forfeit your name and take theirs. (I'll save the rest of the feminist rant for another day)

my idea was to eventually go to court and have my maiden name replace my middle name or join the hyphen club and be Stein-Hubbyname. but I haven't mentioned this to my husband yet.

the best advice I can give is to do what feels best for you. this is something that is bothering you and this is your identity. it is what you are known as. be proud of who you are and if who you are is Iris Maiden name, look into it further. from what I can tell court costs here can grange from $800-$2000.

would your husband be mad if your changed it?

I kept my birth name, when I married at 27. I decided when I was a teenager that I would keep my name. I told this to my now husband early in the relationship. Since when does love mean changing your identity? I got a card in the male that said Mrs. and my husbands first and last name..I actually got mad inside...lol. I don't know why...I just did.

I'm so glad I decided to stick to my guns and keep my name after I got married. I think it hurt my husband's pride a bit but I had to do what felt right for me. He wouldn't change his name if I asked him to, so why do I have to change mine?
I hate how a woman not taking her husband's name is taboo here. That tradition probably only happened so men could show ownership over their wives and children anyway :b

I got a lot of flack from family members for not taking his name. His mother looked at me like I grew a second head when I told her. My cousin made fun of me, told me I was a retard and talked [censored] about me to the family because of it. I never seemed to live my life the way other people feel I should have so I don't give a damn anyway. I just wish people would just let others live their lives. Some of them acted as though I committed a murder or something.

If I were you, I'd look up the laws of name changing in your state online. Then you can decide whether you want to continue with it from there. Good luck.

My FSIL and BIL did the same to me. On their wedding invitation they wrote Mr. and Mrs. -hubby's last name-. I was furious. Especially since they knew I kept my name. It's not my name legally so why would I want people writing it that way in personal letters/invites? It wouldn't have killed them to respect me enough to write out my name. Maybe I'm being over sensitive about it, but it peeved me off severely. I later told my BIL to get my name right next time. If he does it again, there's going to be a problem.

I think it would be possible to hyphenate it. But check and see. Your state should have a website that will give good legal information. Most public libraries have weblinks to legal help in your area. Try going to your public library's website and searching their recommended sites or databases for guidance to a legal help website in your state.

If you do decide to legally change it, it's not that hard. When I got divorced, I changed my last name to my great-grandmother's maiden name (to remind myself to always be a strong woman). I had to get fingerprints done and sent in and had to have a background check and go to court. It wasn't too hard, and I love the fact that I got to choose a name that meant something to me. I do love my maiden name, but my new name has a lot of meaning for me.

One thing to remember on formal invites it is customary to write it our Mr and Mrs SO andso.. evne if you have seperate last names because when you are married tradition says that you go by the husbands last name in formal matters.

It is NOT usually an insult to you to have this happen. My nephews have a different last name than their mother, however when formal invites come to the house they say Mrs. Theirlast name verses my sister. She understands it is a formality and doesn't flip out because she knows who she is.

Be strong in your identity and remember that common courtesy dictates writing formal affairs a certain way.

That's the problem, these stupid traditions. Why is everyone forced into traditions? I'm not traditional at all and although I know it's formal and all that, it still bothers me. Why do I have to deal with this simply because I'm a married woman? It may seem petty but it drives me crazy. Most traditions need to end, seriously.

I think the "name change" was the one thing my husband and I didn't discuss before marriage. A few months after we were married and something sparked the topic, my husband says to me, "Um. Do you need one of those name changing kit things?" I don't think I ever laughed out loud so hard in my life. When I finally stopped laughing, I replied, "Why? You planning on changing your name?" He was like, "Geez, all you had to do was say you weren't changing your name." :) I'm not sure what the solution to your problem is. My husband doesn't care I kept my name, but I think if I bothered to change it then said one day, "I'm changing it back" he might be at the very least hurt. I'd of never married a man who would INSIST I change my name to his though, it's just not me.

That's one area I guess I am really conservative in. Maybe if I had been an established TV or radio personality or an author or something I might have kept my name for that reason. My 'maiden' name really meant nothing to me and I was excited to take my husband's because it is bit more interesting and exotic and it ties me to him. I changed it on all my legal documents within a month of being married, passport included. Here in Ohio you have to go to court to file for a name change unless it is by marriage, but it's a very simple process. I'm not sure what you have to do to NOT change it after marriage but I would assume you just don't get all those legal documents changed in the first place. I'd ask a lawyer to be sure if you happen to know one who won't charge for a question.

I've said this before on here, and I'll say it again. "Etiquette" is something that gets pulled out for special occasions like weddings or baby showers, and is dispensed with every other day of the year. So the same person that insists that the "proper" way to do things is Mr. and Mrs. Hisname is also the same person who insults you for being childfree, lets their kid scream and run around in restaurants, and carries on a cell phone conversation in a crowded movie theater. There absolutely no reason, in the modern era, to continue on with these ridiculous naming conventions when 1/3 of the population is single (either never married, divorced, separated, or widowed) and so many have been married more than once etc. I will soon be Dr. Hername, and I'll be damned if I accept any more letters or invites addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname after 7 yrs. of marriage!

Well said!!!

I think most modern etiquette books do include information on how to handle married couples with different name - ie Mr HisName, Mrs HerName (or Ms or Miss or Dr depending on what she uses.) But people get confused. And there are women who go as "Ms HerName" on their own but would prefer to be addressed as "Mr and Mrs HisName" together.

Some members of my family occasionally send things to "Mr and Mrs MyName" because they'll see something they think we'll like, buy and ship on a whim and can't remember our joint last name.

Personally, I keep how people prefer to be addressed formally in my address book, but I still run into problems. When I got married, we realized that no one knew the last name of the long-term partner of one of my relatives. They don't live together or send cards together and we'd been introduced years ago by first name - but I wanted to invite both of them.

Julie

I'm glad that it's a matter of choice nowadays. It didn't matter to my husband if I took his name or not; he just said that he was keeping his name and that I should have the same choice. I ended up taking his name, but only because I like it better than my maiden name. It always seemed like no one could pronounce my name properly so it was always such a hassle. Also, some gov official has messed up some birth certificates in my Dad's family so half my cousins have one spelling and the other half has a slightly different one. I ended up with the one that's hard for people to pronounce. I could've changed the spelling of my maiden name but that would've been a bigger hassle than simply taking my husband's name. In Ontario Canada where I live, all I had to do was present my marriage certificate along with my birth certificate and was able to get my ID changed to the new name, even on my passport. The only piece of ID that still has my maiden name is my birth certificate. I don't know what the process is to revert to my maiden name, though.

-applauds-

And isn't it rude if it offends another person? I know many aren't bothered by this sort of thing but everyone feels differently on the subject. I don't see why it should be such a big deal to honor someone's wishes if they choose to be referred by their own name. I see that as being considerate to another person's feelings.

This is very touchy for me because like I said before, I've gotten a lot of flack over this. I try not to let it bother me but it does. We don't live in the 1800's, we live in 2010. I think it's time for some of these silly old fashioned traditions to die.

Jellyroll, I so agree with your post "And isn't it rude............."
I think it is a lot of ignorance (or lack of respect) that certain ppl won't accept the fact that you wish to keep your maiden name. Perservere and try to get it through their thick (empty) skull.

cp

Reason for taking my husband's name: I really don't like my family - at least the parental units who bestowed the name on me My marriage marks the first years I ever really considered myself loved and appreciated so - definitely - my husbands name carried a lot more positive feelings for me than my maiden name.

The name "dying" thing. One should regard the name they carry with personal attachment, but when I got into genealogy a few years back, I was struck by how tenuous are the existence of surnames. I had the prejudice that my father's name and my mother's name were all there ever was, really. Then I started researching my grandmother's maiden name on my maternal side, and the same on my father's. Then, a few generations back from that, those names disappear with a totally *different* set of names appearing. We really aren't just one name, but the descendant of a jumble names.

I regarded myself as Mrs. A, formerly Miss A, but then, going back, I found names like Lakin, Deaver, Seago, Walker, Dawson .... It was like "whoa! who ARE these people?!" They are all ancestors, but I never knew of them because their names "died out" by marriage. They weren't missed either, because they had been forgotten.

I suspect the current "family name" will be gone in a few generations. My brother has one son, and if he doesn't have sons, *poof* the family name is gone. Yet the family still exists, only with different names. I kind of *shrug* at that, thinking "well, what does it really matter, anyway?" It's more important, to me, in thinking of how much I cared for those people, rather than the monikers passed down.

Thank you all for your comments. Julie, I can definitely relate to the ethnic identity comment. That is one of my problems with how my name is now. I value his heritage, and all heritages, but it's not mine, and I miss having mine visible. I'm into genealogy, and I value that. Dolyn, I think my husband would probably be hurt too if I changed it back. That makes the hyphenating appealing. Marie, I'm so glad you posted, since we're in very similar boats with having been married for a while and not feeling in our hearts that we are Hisname. I have been talking to an older friend who went by First Maiden Hislast for a while, and she said a lot of people didn't include Maiden when referring back to her. They'd just say or write First Hislast. That sucks because you want it there; that's why you put it there. So that's why I'm leaning toward the hyphen club out of the two options you're considering. This friend named her daughter named First Mom'sMaiden-Dad'sLast, and she hasn't had problems getting people to use both. This daughter is a grown woman, a few years older than me. I am a little concerned though. What if I choose one way and it's not good enough? How do I know I won't be unhappy about it like before? I recently had to sign some forms and put my full name. It felt fine, so I think hyphenating might be ok. I practice signing the different options, but none feels perfect.

[quote=happy one]If you do decide to legally change it, it's not that hard. When I got divorced, I changed my last name to my great-grandmother's maiden name (to remind myself to always be a strong woman). I had to get fingerprints done and sent in and had to have a background check and go to court. It wasn't too hard, and I love the fact that I got to choose a name that meant something to me. I do love my maiden name, but my new name has a lot of meaning for me. [/quote] I'm now thinking about doing something similar to this, only my great-grandmother's married name (what my grandma would've been if she'd been born in the old country instead of US). I've always identified with their story. I decided that hyphenating isn't going to work for me. It's not equality and I'd just be doing it to please my husband, which is how I ended up here in the first place. While I also like my maiden, I don't really feel like Maidenname anymore; it's been some time and sometimes my family makes me feel like I'm not a part of it. So I like the appeal of this new name, which I feel is a part of me I've kept secret, allowing me to show more of my authentic self. And to remind myself to do so. happy one, any advice on how to deal with the people in my life regarding this change? Husband is not happy about this, but I think any option without his name will not be well-received.

When we got married, our officiant gave us the name change forms and information as part of our package. Wow, it's a very involved process which includes trips to the bank, dmv...etc.! I basically had to do nothing after we got married! The only thing is when my husband put me on his insurance they required a copy of our marriage certificate to prove we were actually married...lol. I could see where a person would not want to keep their birth name due to certain family issues or maybethey're just more traditional. For me, however, I was adamant about keeping mine...just in case I ever become famous...haha!

As a woman, I never had a problem with changing my last name to my husband's. I didn't find it disrespectful toward myself as a woman to do so. However, part of changing my last name was both wanting to be separated from my family and joined to my husband. It just so happened that I liked my husband's last name better than my own. If it had been the other way, I would have asked him to take mine (or simply suggested making a completely different and new one).

I once had a co-worker who stated that you can tell who wears the pants in a marriage by whose last name belongs to both. I don't agree. I'm the bread winner and decision maker of the home but I took my husband's name. I simply liked the sound of it and no longer wanted to be visibly "connected" to the family I grew up with. End of story.

everyone's situation is so different. I think it's silly of a person to assume that whoevers last name is used in a marriage "wears the pants" I could see why they'd think that because I do know a couple where he took her name and she SO wears the pants....but it's not always true, such as in your case.

WOW! I have never heard of a MAN taking the woman's last name!
I think each person should keep their own last name.. unless they agree on a knew name for both to share....gawd that would be awesome . Just thought of that all by myself....LMAO.

I took my husband's name because I like it better...Jessi {maiden name} = boring, plain, been me for 29 yrs...Jessi {his name} exotic, foreign and makes me sound like a spy. ;-)

After a HUGE identity crisis and 4 yrs of marriage - I finally added his name to mine - first middle maiden hisname - with no hyphen. Technically (with Soc.Security) my maiden name is part of my "middle" name, but for business and formal documents, I use both last names (no hyphen). Informally, I use his name. I like my name and didn't want to lose it, but his is MUCH shorter and easier to spell, so maybe I was driven in part by laziness. But ulitmately, to me sharing a name made me feel like we were more of a family unit (just without the kiddies).

Because of this post and the fact that that I do miss my old last name. I started dropping little hints to my husband. he wasn't picking up on it, so I just came out and said it. needless to say he was upset, he wants us to share a last name. I said what if we both take both names or we mix our last names and make a new one...one that is truly a blend of us. but he said he wasn't interested.

I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he was expected to give up his last name. he said he wouldn't like that...but he wasn't going to change his name in anyway and hastily told me to do whatever I had to do though it would break his heart.

I thought that he would maybe feel abit different about it because the family name he was once so proud of isn't so anymore. we do not speak to his family anymore because they were unable to handle our decision to remain child free. while his parents really never said anything to harsh ( his sisters were the main haters) they just kind of stopped inviting us to things, and contact just kind of stopped.

For love or for identity? what about the pride I had with my maiden name? I certainly hope he appreciates the sacrifice I am making here. not only do I miss my maiden name, I look at my married name and see the other members with this name and how they have coldly rejected us so.

Marie, have you mentioned this to your husband? That in and of itself seems like a fine reason to change your name! If your own name makes you feel rejected, it's not your name. My sister changed her name for a number of reasons, one of which because she never really felt like part of our father's family.

Julie

Julie,

yes, I did tell him that. his response was there is likley 200,000 people out there with the same last name as us. its not like the name solely belonged to one family.
I am putting this on the backburner for a little bit. I know he has been struggling with his family excluding us because we dont want kids. I understand that if I/or both of us drop their last name it would likely block any sort of peace treaty we may (as a whole family) work out 1,3,5...10 years from now.
if they would just let this stupid "must have babies" mentality go!!

Marie -

Backburnering can be a good idea sometimes. It is unfortunate that they are making such a big deal about not having kids!

Julie

Ah... name change. One of the topics I have to deal with on almost a daily basis. I have been in the midst of changing my name since last December. It is a never ending process and I would never choose to do it again. EVER. Especially since kids are not in our future and we don't have to worry about how to "name the children". But, it made the hubs happy. He owes me, and I remind him of it often. HA! My quick advice to our original poster: leave well enough alone OR talk with a girlfriend who is divorced and decided to change her name back. You will find it's even more difficult than changing it the first time around. Keep us posted on what you decide and how it goes...

Australian and not taking his name! I'm actually going to be getting married soon and, thankfully, my future husband has no problems with me not takinghis name at all. None of my friends share my views, they are all extremely maternal, traditional, etc. Whenever that conversation about hyphenated last names comes up, the general consensis is always that it's considered a silly idea. Absolutely everyone seems to think that the lady should take the mans name. I have only ever met one hyphen lady. I am the first (Australian) person I have ever met (lol how does one meet oneself, anyways..) who has chosen not to even hyphenate. WHY should I have to change my name? My name is who I am! It has already been chopped and changed all thoughout my childhood because of my mother's divorces, so the second I turned 18 I asked the man who raised me (but didn't make me) to, as a very personal gift, give me his name. Nys. He paid the $80, and from that day forward I was not only unofficially Nys, but also on paper. Why should a woman be forced to betray her roots, her very upbringing, this precious symbol that is her maiden name? It just makes no sense to me. My fiance is so great. He is the only person who responded with immediate support, rather than "why?" or just silence and a raised eyebrow. My family once hosted a German exchange student, who had taken his mother's last name. His brother (related to him fully by both parents) took his father's name. Their parents never married. To them, it seemed unneeded to marry, as it is just a christian ceremony, and they aren't even christians. I wholeheartedly agree, even though I am a Christian. By the way, his mother is the only woman I have ever met who did the same thing that I will be doing. Staying myself. Really, if you truly do want to not consider your family your family anymore, and only associate with your husbands family exclusively as changing you name to his would imply (by my thinking, anyway), that's your loss. Anyway, Steve is going to be my husband! And NOT my brother! Alexandra Thomas? Ew!

As another poster said in Canada unless you make the choice to change your last name its assumed that you are not changing your last name period. N actually offered to change his last name to mine and drop his all together, his last name is very common local phone book has almost three pages worth of listings for ppl with his last name, yet only about a dozen for mine. I don't really know what it would take here in Ontario for him to change over to my last name as I never looked into it in the first place (maybe I should) it wouldn't hurt him at all that I know of since he's making a fresh start here in Canada any how so maybe a last name change would go well towards that (he's Irish born but was raised in the US) since they wont nothing to do with us because he chose to move to me instead of me moving to be with him and some other junk. As it is right now, I just use my Maiden name and socially am known with his last name

Marie, how are you doing on this issue? I don't blame you for putting it on the backburner. That really sucks that the family is still stuck in "must have babies" mentality and excluding you two. That's a family battle for another day for us, I expect . . . I did finally change my name. I ended up choosing Maidenname. I went back to my birth name, but added onto the middle (e.g. Mary changed to MaryAnne). The addition was inspired by happyone, choosing a name with significance to remind me to be myself, similar to her reminder to be strong. I also felt if I'm doing all this work, may as well make it better than what I started with. It cost me between $100-200. Hubby wasn't happy about it but has become more accepting about it. Most of the time it's no big deal, but once in a while comments will creep up (when I gave my name to pick up an order, he said, "I forgot about that" and when my good friend asked what my middle name was, he said "I don't even know what it is"). So that is sometimes hurtful, but I feel it's been worth it overall. Later he used my new middle name affectionately, so maybe he has since gotten over it or considered my feelings. Since I'm not the strongest, I've sometimes wished I had chosen to go with just my birth name so I could not have to explain the addition. But I do like it, so I don't feel that way all the time. Maybe it would be the same for you? He might also be less upset about it after you change back to Maidenname than he was initially. It's been a sometimes rocky road. Part of the agreement with my husband was to go by Hisname with his family. So professionally and on IDs, credit cards, etc. I've made the switch to Maidenname. (Professionally was fairly easy since I did it when switching lines of work.) My siblings, parents, and close friends also are in the know. But that leaves Facebook in a weird kind of limbo. It currently says First Maidenname Hislast. How do I not draw his family's attention? I haven't figured that out yet. I know how important identity is, and I relate to your pride in your maiden name. I'm guessing we feel similar discomfort in being addressed as Hisname. I doubt that either of our husbands appreciate the difficulties we've dealt with, not having gone through this themselves. I sure didn't understand what I was getting into when I changed it in the first place. If I had, I never would have done it!!!! My situation is still not ideal, but I feel closer. Sometimes I despair at how difficult getting this far has been and how hard it can be on me in stress, anxiety, regret over past mistakes and current circumstances. But other times I am proud of the steps I've taken to make things a bit better. And when I get mail with Maidenname or sign a credit card receipt, it sure feels good. I'm finally to the point in my life where at least on the inside, I'm myself and solid in my dearest beliefs. But it's taking time and babysteps to live out loud. It might be easier to just get it out there and over with rather than hiding it from certain groups, but I don't feel like I can do that.

Marie, I cannot believe his family would stop speaking to you over reproduction. Is that really all it's about? As for the name , It may ave been easier to not have taken the name to begin with. I kept my birth name, but in your situation it may show your husband that you're being the better person in terms of his family. I still can't get past the fact that parents would be willing to lose their relationship with their son, and sisters their brother over a choice not to reproduce; how terribly sad. Can't they agree to disagree and keep it off limits. My word, it's none of their business! Wishing you and hubby will make ple Ty of friends that support your life decisions or at least view them with an open mind.