BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids names and marriage

That's the problem, these stupid traditions. Why is everyone forced into traditions? I'm not traditional at all and although I know it's formal and all that, it still bothers me. Why do I have to deal with this simply because I'm a married woman? It may seem petty but it drives me crazy. Most traditions need to end, seriously.

I think the "name change" was the one thing my husband and I didn't discuss before marriage. A few months after we were married and something sparked the topic, my husband says to me, "Um. Do you need one of those name changing kit things?" I don't think I ever laughed out loud so hard in my life. When I finally stopped laughing, I replied, "Why? You planning on changing your name?" He was like, "Geez, all you had to do was say you weren't changing your name." :) I'm not sure what the solution to your problem is. My husband doesn't care I kept my name, but I think if I bothered to change it then said one day, "I'm changing it back" he might be at the very least hurt. I'd of never married a man who would INSIST I change my name to his though, it's just not me.

That's one area I guess I am really conservative in. Maybe if I had been an established TV or radio personality or an author or something I might have kept my name for that reason. My 'maiden' name really meant nothing to me and I was excited to take my husband's because it is bit more interesting and exotic and it ties me to him. I changed it on all my legal documents within a month of being married, passport included. Here in Ohio you have to go to court to file for a name change unless it is by marriage, but it's a very simple process. I'm not sure what you have to do to NOT change it after marriage but I would assume you just don't get all those legal documents changed in the first place. I'd ask a lawyer to be sure if you happen to know one who won't charge for a question.

I've said this before on here, and I'll say it again. "Etiquette" is something that gets pulled out for special occasions like weddings or baby showers, and is dispensed with every other day of the year. So the same person that insists that the "proper" way to do things is Mr. and Mrs. Hisname is also the same person who insults you for being childfree, lets their kid scream and run around in restaurants, and carries on a cell phone conversation in a crowded movie theater. There absolutely no reason, in the modern era, to continue on with these ridiculous naming conventions when 1/3 of the population is single (either never married, divorced, separated, or widowed) and so many have been married more than once etc. I will soon be Dr. Hername, and I'll be damned if I accept any more letters or invites addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname after 7 yrs. of marriage!

Well said!!!

I think most modern etiquette books do include information on how to handle married couples with different name - ie Mr HisName, Mrs HerName (or Ms or Miss or Dr depending on what she uses.) But people get confused. And there are women who go as "Ms HerName" on their own but would prefer to be addressed as "Mr and Mrs HisName" together.

Some members of my family occasionally send things to "Mr and Mrs MyName" because they'll see something they think we'll like, buy and ship on a whim and can't remember our joint last name.

Personally, I keep how people prefer to be addressed formally in my address book, but I still run into problems. When I got married, we realized that no one knew the last name of the long-term partner of one of my relatives. They don't live together or send cards together and we'd been introduced years ago by first name - but I wanted to invite both of them.

Julie

I'm glad that it's a matter of choice nowadays. It didn't matter to my husband if I took his name or not; he just said that he was keeping his name and that I should have the same choice. I ended up taking his name, but only because I like it better than my maiden name. It always seemed like no one could pronounce my name properly so it was always such a hassle. Also, some gov official has messed up some birth certificates in my Dad's family so half my cousins have one spelling and the other half has a slightly different one. I ended up with the one that's hard for people to pronounce. I could've changed the spelling of my maiden name but that would've been a bigger hassle than simply taking my husband's name. In Ontario Canada where I live, all I had to do was present my marriage certificate along with my birth certificate and was able to get my ID changed to the new name, even on my passport. The only piece of ID that still has my maiden name is my birth certificate. I don't know what the process is to revert to my maiden name, though.

-applauds-

And isn't it rude if it offends another person? I know many aren't bothered by this sort of thing but everyone feels differently on the subject. I don't see why it should be such a big deal to honor someone's wishes if they choose to be referred by their own name. I see that as being considerate to another person's feelings.

This is very touchy for me because like I said before, I've gotten a lot of flack over this. I try not to let it bother me but it does. We don't live in the 1800's, we live in 2010. I think it's time for some of these silly old fashioned traditions to die.

Jellyroll, I so agree with your post "And isn't it rude............."
I think it is a lot of ignorance (or lack of respect) that certain ppl won't accept the fact that you wish to keep your maiden name. Perservere and try to get it through their thick (empty) skull.

cp

Reason for taking my husband's name: I really don't like my family - at least the parental units who bestowed the name on me My marriage marks the first years I ever really considered myself loved and appreciated so - definitely - my husbands name carried a lot more positive feelings for me than my maiden name.

The name "dying" thing. One should regard the name they carry with personal attachment, but when I got into genealogy a few years back, I was struck by how tenuous are the existence of surnames. I had the prejudice that my father's name and my mother's name were all there ever was, really. Then I started researching my grandmother's maiden name on my maternal side, and the same on my father's. Then, a few generations back from that, those names disappear with a totally *different* set of names appearing. We really aren't just one name, but the descendant of a jumble names.

I regarded myself as Mrs. A, formerly Miss A, but then, going back, I found names like Lakin, Deaver, Seago, Walker, Dawson .... It was like "whoa! who ARE these people?!" They are all ancestors, but I never knew of them because their names "died out" by marriage. They weren't missed either, because they had been forgotten.

I suspect the current "family name" will be gone in a few generations. My brother has one son, and if he doesn't have sons, *poof* the family name is gone. Yet the family still exists, only with different names. I kind of *shrug* at that, thinking "well, what does it really matter, anyway?" It's more important, to me, in thinking of how much I cared for those people, rather than the monikers passed down.