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Re: names and marriage [Re: Dorichin] #598540 05/05/10 02:58 AM
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iris28 Offline OP
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Thank you all for your comments. Julie, I can definitely relate to the ethnic identity comment. That is one of my problems with how my name is now. I value his heritage, and all heritages, but it's not mine, and I miss having mine visible. I'm into genealogy, and I value that. Dolyn, I think my husband would probably be hurt too if I changed it back. That makes the hyphenating appealing. Marie, I'm so glad you posted, since we're in very similar boats with having been married for a while and not feeling in our hearts that we are Hisname. I have been talking to an older friend who went by First Maiden Hislast for a while, and she said a lot of people didn't include Maiden when referring back to her. They'd just say or write First Hislast. That sucks because you want it there; that's why you put it there. So that's why I'm leaning toward the hyphen club out of the two options you're considering. This friend named her daughter named First Mom'sMaiden-Dad'sLast, and she hasn't had problems getting people to use both. This daughter is a grown woman, a few years older than me. I am a little concerned though. What if I choose one way and it's not good enough? How do I know I won't be unhappy about it like before? I recently had to sign some forms and put my full name. It felt fine, so I think hyphenating might be ok. I practice signing the different options, but none feels perfect.

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Re: names and marriage [Re: happy one] #606703 06/24/10 04:02 AM
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[quote=happy one]If you do decide to legally change it, it's not that hard. When I got divorced, I changed my last name to my great-grandmother's maiden name (to remind myself to always be a strong woman). I had to get fingerprints done and sent in and had to have a background check and go to court. It wasn't too hard, and I love the fact that I got to choose a name that meant something to me. I do love my maiden name, but my new name has a lot of meaning for me. [/quote] I'm now thinking about doing something similar to this, only my great-grandmother's married name (what my grandma would've been if she'd been born in the old country instead of US). I've always identified with their story. I decided that hyphenating isn't going to work for me. It's not equality and I'd just be doing it to please my husband, which is how I ended up here in the first place. While I also like my maiden, I don't really feel like Maidenname anymore; it's been some time and sometimes my family makes me feel like I'm not a part of it. So I like the appeal of this new name, which I feel is a part of me I've kept secret, allowing me to show more of my authentic self. And to remind myself to do so. happy one, any advice on how to deal with the people in my life regarding this change? Husband is not happy about this, but I think any option without his name will not be well-received.

Re: names and marriage [Re: iris28] #606769 06/24/10 02:12 PM
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When we got married, our officiant gave us the name change forms and information as part of our package. Wow, it's a very involved process which includes trips to the bank, dmv...etc.! I basically had to do nothing after we got married! The only thing is when my husband put me on his insurance they required a copy of our marriage certificate to prove we were actually married...lol. I could see where a person would not want to keep their birth name due to certain family issues or maybethey're just more traditional. For me, however, I was adamant about keeping mine...just in case I ever become famous...haha!

Re: names and marriage [Re: missyT] #610377 07/12/10 03:25 AM
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As a woman, I never had a problem with changing my last name to my husband's. I didn't find it disrespectful toward myself as a woman to do so. However, part of changing my last name was both wanting to be separated from my family and joined to my husband. It just so happened that I liked my husband's last name better than my own. If it had been the other way, I would have asked him to take mine (or simply suggested making a completely different and new one).

I once had a co-worker who stated that you can tell who wears the pants in a marriage by whose last name belongs to both. I don't agree. I'm the bread winner and decision maker of the home but I took my husband's name. I simply liked the sound of it and no longer wanted to be visibly "connected" to the family I grew up with. End of story. smile

Re: names and marriage [Re: TimsGirl139] #610679 07/14/10 05:38 AM
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everyone's situation is so different. I think it's silly of a person to assume that whoevers last name is used in a marriage "wears the pants" I could see why they'd think that because I do know a couple where he took her name and she SO wears the pants....but it's not always true, such as in your case.

Re: names and marriage [Re: missyT] #610760 07/14/10 07:36 PM
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cream pie Offline
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WOW! I have never heard of a MAN taking the woman's last name!
I think each person should keep their own last name.. unless they agree on a knew name for both to share....gawd that would be awesome cool. Just thought of that all by myself....LMAO.

Re: names and marriage [Re: cream pie] #610770 07/14/10 08:19 PM
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I took my husband's name because I like it better...Jessi {maiden name} = boring, plain, been me for 29 yrs...Jessi {his name} exotic, foreign and makes me sound like a spy. ;-)

Re: names and marriage [Re: swearbear] #614709 08/03/10 04:42 PM
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After a HUGE identity crisis and 4 yrs of marriage - I finally added his name to mine - first middle maiden hisname - with no hyphen. Technically (with Soc.Security) my maiden name is part of my "middle" name, but for business and formal documents, I use both last names (no hyphen). Informally, I use his name. I like my name and didn't want to lose it, but his is MUCH shorter and easier to spell, so maybe I was driven in part by laziness. But ulitmately, to me sharing a name made me feel like we were more of a family unit (just without the kiddies).

Re: names and marriage [Re: Tbunny] #623787 09/03/10 02:13 AM
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Because of this post and the fact that that I do miss my old last name. I started dropping little hints to my husband. he wasn't picking up on it, so I just came out and said it. needless to say he was upset, he wants us to share a last name. I said what if we both take both names or we mix our last names and make a new one...one that is truly a blend of us. but he said he wasn't interested.

I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he was expected to give up his last name. he said he wouldn't like that...but he wasn't going to change his name in anyway and hastily told me to do whatever I had to do though it would break his heart.

I thought that he would maybe feel abit different about it because the family name he was once so proud of isn't so anymore. we do not speak to his family anymore because they were unable to handle our decision to remain child free. while his parents really never said anything to harsh ( his sisters were the main haters) they just kind of stopped inviting us to things, and contact just kind of stopped.

For love or for identity? what about the pride I had with my maiden name? I certainly hope he appreciates the sacrifice I am making here. not only do I miss my maiden name, I look at my married name and see the other members with this name and how they have coldly rejected us so.

Last edited by Marie751; 09/03/10 02:16 AM.
Re: names and marriage [Re: Marie751] #623801 09/03/10 02:49 AM
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Julie - Computer Careers Offline
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Quote:
I look at my married name and see the other members with this name and how they have coldly rejected us so


Marie, have you mentioned this to your husband? That in and of itself seems like a fine reason to change your name! If your own name makes you feel rejected, it's not your name. My sister changed her name for a number of reasons, one of which because she never really felt like part of our father's family.

Julie

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