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Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #551305 09/27/09 02:51 AM
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I just wanted to stop by and say hi to all I just wanted to give you an update of my life, as a mom.

I have to say I am still the same me as 3 years ago. But I am so lucky, and I have nothing to complaint. I have a wonderful daughter, she is so smart, understanding, and always told me "You are the best mommy in the world." Maybe all the kids say that, but to me, this gives me a lot of confidence and strength, when I doubt that if I am qualified to be her mom. So I am trying my best because of her, she is truly an Angel.

I am also lucky that my husband is very supportive. Well, it is easier when we have only one. Whenever I need to go out and have a girl's night out, he is always supportive, and takes care of our daugther. That makes me so touched, and most of the time,I am trying to cook, clean and do all the house work, so he can focus on his business. So we are a good team, which is very important.

Also I got a lot of help, from family, baby sitters, nanny. They're all wonderful, and I do not hesitate to get help. We did take vacation by oursevles before, each time it was a great way to relax and then we will do better. I do feel more and more guilty to leave take vacation without her, but sometimes I feel like if I need it, I should just do it, because I am just as important human being as anyone else. This is my suggestion to all the women, moms out there, take care of youselves, so you can take care of your kids.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Jennyt] #551403 09/28/09 12:33 AM
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Jenny,
Thank you for your update and how wonderful to know you are doing so well. smile I'm so glad you are enjoying your daughter so much, have a supportive husband and family, and have found ways to continue enjoying your life, separate from you daughter, as well. I know your story must bring sooo much *hope* to other not-so-happy, new moms out there.

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
This is my suggestion to all the women, moms out there, take care of youselves, so you can take care of your kids.


Absolutely!! That advice sounds so simple, but yet, I don't think enough women take it seriously. I'm not a mom, but I know that if we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not in a very good place to help others.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: DifferentKindofGirl] #554685 10/07/09 11:07 PM
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I am new here so here goes.... I found this site by googling "I hate being a mom" that looks so horrible when I read it. And it's not really that I hate being a mom, I just hate being a mom all of the time. I feel like a robot that never gets to recharge. I read most of the posts on this thread and I have to say I don't find any *hope* in JennyT's story. I don't find any difference in her first post to her last one. Her attitude seems the same to me, but she apparently has family support (husband and family) and enough money to hire a babysitter, nanny and pay for someone to watch her child while she and the hubby go on kid-free vacations. I don't have any support from my husband or family. I don't have enough money to hire a babysitter, certainly not a nanny and most certainly not to pay someone to keep my children while I go away by myself. And the suggestion that moms take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids....well no kidding, I would love to be able to do that. But I can't just "will" it to happen. You need other people to make that happen. Great for her but I don't even have that option. It is so depressing. I just know if I had some down time, if I could have one day a quarter, just 4 days a year scheduled to myself I know I would be a better mom, I would have something to look forward to and I would have that down time. There are some days when I am just so depressed and I hate myself for feeling that way, like I should not be wasting my time that way. I'm an adult woman living in a prison with no bars or locks. Oh, and the hubby, whenever I tell him I need a day by myself his response is always "you wanted them" and my response "yes and I still do, but I am not a robot, I need to recharge" at which point he stops talking and walks away. So, any advice for me? Please help

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: anothermom] #554732 10/08/09 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: anothermom
...
I don't have any support from my husband or family. I don't have enough money to hire a babysitter, certainly not a nanny and most certainly not to pay someone to keep my children while I go away by myself.
...
Oh, and the hubby, whenever I tell him I need a day by myself his response is always "you wanted them" and my response "yes and I still do, but I am not a robot, I need to recharge" at which point he stops talking and walks away.


Sorry that you feel so bad. I can quite understand your situation, really. Children are a lot of stress, a lot of people fail to understand that.
I can totally relate to JennyT. Like her I didn't want children and I couldn't love mine at first and I felt awful. And also like her, I have a husband who is very supportive (actually, he was the one who wanted a child) and we can rely on our parents and occasionally on a baby-sitter for a dinner/movies night from time to time. Three times (my son is 2 1/2) we had even a night out of town.
What makes your story different is that you wanted to have children and that you don't hate being a mother really. What you hate is that you don't ever get a break. You are married but have the life of an over-stressed single mum!!
Your husband's answer: "you wanted them" is appalling. If he didn't want them himself, he could have said it, used a condom etc. They are also his. I used that sentence with my husband a couple of times, when he complained about a sleepless night or about having to be home at 8 in a wonderful summer night or something like that, but I would still take care of my son, because I was aware that, although he was not my idea, I was responsible of his being in this world! Try confronting your husband with the fact that his children would benefit from time with him, that he should also get to spend time with them, to get to know them better and love them enough to not ever say something like that again.
I have unfortunately no magic tips, but you should realize that your children or you being their mother are not the source of your problem. You feel depressed because you feel alone. Aren't there any other mums where you live you could hang out with? Kids are less work when they get together with other kids and you could have the chance to talk to other adults.
Best luck

Last edited by Solalux; 10/08/09 09:16 AM.
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: anothermom] #554955 10/08/09 05:04 PM
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Anothermom,

My heart goes out to you! Like Solalux said, I really think it would help you to befriend other moms. I know there must be mom groups - maybe meetup.com, church, etc. A lot of moms will "swap kids" for a day to help each other out, and just having the support of another mom to talk to would really help you I think. It might take a while before you find other moms you feel comfortable enough with to open up to, but don't give up.

To give yourself a break, see if there's a "Mom's Day Out" group in your area. They are much more affordable than traditional child-care. Many are church sponsored, but you don't always have to be a member to take your child. Here's a little info on it: Mom's Day Out

Wishing you the best. smile

Last edited by DifferentKindofGirl; 10/08/09 05:05 PM.
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: DifferentKindofGirl] #557067 10/17/09 08:57 PM
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I just had to say that it is so nice to come here sometimes and see that I am not alone in the way I'm feeling. I don't tell anyone how I feel because I'm afraid they will think I'm some sort of monster. I think it's a shame to have to feel that way. No one can really help how they feel. And as long as you don't intentionally harm your child, you are not a bad person. Even though others would think I'm a horrible person for the way I feel, I don't. I wish more than anything that I was like these mothers who just loooooove being a mommy. But I don't. I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't do what I want when I want to. I hate all the crying and screaming and poopy diapers. I hate that my once beautiful living room suite looks like it's been dragged through the dirt and my once clean coffee table is now covered in fingerprints. It's hard to be a mom when you're a neat freak and like being spontaneous. Now I've realized the only spontaneity you get when you have a kid is....Oh you have plans to go out, but you spontaneously have to stay home because the babysitter canceled at the last minute. That's spontaneity when you're a mom. *sighs* I love my son. I really do. I would do anything for him. And in all of my anger and frustration, I have never blamed him. I know he is innocent and I'm going to do my best to hide my feelings from him. I don't want him to grow up thinking his mom doesn't love him. It's really tough though. But I have slowly learned to just make peace with the way I feel and do the best I can to hide it. It's like having a job that you really really hate, but loving your co-workers. I just hold on to the fact that a lot of what frustrates me about being a mom is all temporary. My son is 10 months old. I hate that I can't effectively communicate with him and he understand me. I hate that I have to carry him everywhere. I hate that he can't even feed himself. I hate changing diapers. Now that he is older and can do a FEW things for himself, I'm not quite as frustrated as I was when he was a newborn. At least now, he responds to me. I just hope as he ages, these feelings will go away. All of you other mothers are in my thoughts and I truly hope that things get better and easier for all of us.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: SickSophie] #557071 10/17/09 09:17 PM
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SickSophie,
Just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you, and that I think you're a very good person and fully agree that your "feelings" don't warrant you to be a bad person. It's how you handle and respond to those feelings that count, and you're responding to them with strength and love for your child. The moms you know who are so happy... I wonder what kind of moms they'd be if they "didn't" enjoy being a mom. Would they have your strength to be a good mom anyway?

Some of the moms have posted that when their children grow up a little, start talking, etc., that things get more fun. Life can be quite wondrous and magical through the eyes of a child. I think the love you feel for your child will only grow, and that that love will continue to give you an increasing interest in your child, in what's important to him, and in being a mom. You may finding yourself taking joy in what "he" takes joy in. Seeing him happy can make "you" happy.

Try to see things from a different perspective and do think of all you're grateful for. Your situation could be much, much worse. Do what you can to take care of yourself, organize yourself and your baby, consider creating daily routines to help you feel more in control and on top of things, maybe read some parenting books/mag for ideas that might seem fun to you, and keep the hope that things will get better. Also, I don't think it would hurt to read through some threads of happy mothers. Perhaps reading their view on things might help you to see things in another light. All you can do is make the best of your situation. I think you're a strong person, and I wish you the best of luck. smile

Last edited by DifferentKindofGirl; 10/17/09 09:19 PM.
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: SickSophie] #557342 10/19/09 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: SickSophie

(...)I hate that my once beautiful living room suite looks like it's been dragged through the dirt and my once clean coffee table is now covered in fingerprints. It's hard to be a mom when you're a neat freak and like being spontaneous (...)
I love my son. I really do. I would do anything for him. And in all of my anger and frustration, I have never blamed him. I know he is innocent and I'm going to do my best to hide my feelings from him. I don't want him to grow up thinking his mom doesn't love him.
(...) I just hold on to the fact that a lot of what frustrates me about being a mom is all temporary. My son is 10 months old. I hate that I can't effectively communicate with him and he understand me. I hate that I have to carry him everywhere. I hate that he can't even feed himself. I hate changing diapers. Now that he is older and can do a FEW things for himself, I'm not quite as frustrated as I was when he was a newborn. At least now, he responds to me. I just hope as he ages, these feelings will go away.(...)


Sicksophie, I relate to every word you say.

First of all, it is great that you are able to separate your son from your resentment. I have also managed to do that. Somehow I also learned from the beginning not "to take it personal". They can't help being babies. That is a very big accomplishment, and not everybody can do it!

Second, one of the most depressing things for me when I got pregnant, was also the chaos in households with kids. My husband is also a neat freak, so we have always avoided that baby stuff invades the whole apartment. When he couldn't walk, he had a little corner with a blanket and a couple of toys in the living room, never too cluttered. Since he can walk, the little corner is gone, his toys stay in his room, if he drags cars, trucks, books, etc out of his room, they must be back in his room when he is not playing anymore. He knows that the big toys are not allowed in the living room, for example, and he won't even try. And he only eats in the kitchen. It is never too soon to start with a little discipline. He knew all this things before he was one. And kids love when they know what to expect, so, it has never really been a tantrum-generator lol.

My son is 2 years 6 months old, and I can tell you, your hopes are really realistic. It gets better. My son is starting to talk and that is fun. He has been in day care part-time for over a year now. He is a lot more independent, he understands when I talk and I understand what he means. He has always been an easy going kid (no colics, a lot of time sleeping, thank God, I might have ended in a mental institutions if that hadn't been the case), and if he occasionally throws a tantrum, I know his reasons, I've learned to avert them, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, so hang in there.


I wish you the best of lucks!

Fluffernutter6 Update [Re: Solalux] #560125 10/29/09 12:05 PM
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Things have gone from bad to worse. My husband had foot surgery this week that has rendered him totally incapacitated and bedridden. He'll be on crutches and not able to put any weight on his foot for the next six to ten weeks. I'm currently 35w4d pregnant, so he's going to be absolutely useless for labor & delivery and much of the first few newborn weeks. None of our family is planning on coming to help after the birth (they all have their own issues) and while we have some access to babysitters, we're broke and there's no way we can afford the kind of help we really need. It's so bleak seeming to me. Everything rests on my shoulders. Not only am I chasing after three year old twins in the final weeks of my pregnancy, I must be nursemaid to my husband. All while dreading the arrival of a baby I still don't want - never wanted, in fact. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through this. People seem to manage far more dire situations with far more grace than I can, but I can't imagine how to make this all better.

Re: Fluffernutter6 Update [Re: fluffernutter6] #564266 11/13/09 07:23 PM
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fluffernutter6, have you contacted the local twins group? if there is a Mothers of Multiples group in your area, they will assist you if you present your case and join. They will offer you the support you so desperately need at this point.

Also, contact your local DHEC or DSS or United Way can point you in the right direction. Sometimes, if you find a good social worker, they will help you until you can get on your feet (or your husband on his).

Believe me, you'll see my previous posts on when I wanted to scream or commit suicide just because it was too much to handle and sometimes I still hate being a mom. I know exactly how you feel and it does plain S-U-C-K. But at those moments when you know that you feel that way, that is the time to ask for help. Every mother has felt this desperation at one time or another...that is why it is so important for mothers to help eachother and if you lived near me, I would help you.

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