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Need support - I hate being a mom

Posted By: Jennyt

Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/31/07 09:24 PM

Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom. I felt like I missed out my life, my freedom. My life was perfect without her. My hubby and I were madly in love and we travel a lot. We still wanted to do so much adventure together, but now we are trapped in this parenting world. Anyway I know I have no way out but try to be a good mom. But talking to someone who understand would really help.

p.s., we've gone through some conceling but doesn't help. Because basically we just made a big mistake..
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/31/07 09:39 PM

Hey, I not saying that you didn't but this little person is going to grow on you. Kids can travel too. And, be great fun. You can still work full-time. Maybe even have a parent who will babysit while you and hubby take a little vacation together. Kids can drain you. Perspective will drain you more!! Look at what you have, build on your relationship. It is good I promise. Also, have you checked with a doctor. You may have postpartum depression. The symptoms can be evry much like that. However, work on a good bond because you will be connected for a long-long time!

Got to run to football... I would much rather curl up and read, but hey you deal. I am taking a book!
Posted By: Hope816

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/31/07 11:40 PM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom. I felt like I missed out my life, my freedom. My life was perfect without her. My hubby and I were madly in love and we travel a lot. We still wanted to do so much adventure together, but now we are trapped in this parenting world. Anyway I know I have no way out but try to be a good mom. But talking to someone who understand would really help.

p.s., we've gone through some conceling but doesn't help. Because basically we just made a big mistake..


I am so sorry for how you are feeling but Paula is right it will grow on you... I dont have any children and never will for the same reasons you specified and believe me I so feel for you being in this position.It would not be easy but now you have a child and as much as you would like to you cant take it back.

Look at the positives and there are many of them.Join some support groups and make sure you get time away from her so you can have some special times for you and your husband. Although you made a mistake in having her everything happens for a reason.

Try to be strong...It will get easier.
Posted By: Julie - Computer Careers

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 12:17 AM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom.


Jenny -

Do get checked for postpartum depression, it can certainly cause exactly the feelings you have! On the other hand, it is perfectly normal to dislike being a mom as long as you also have times when you like or love being a mom. Becoming a mom is a transition and it's normal to have mixed feelings about any transition. Do you have different feelings about the though of parenting your daughter at different ages? For instance, being her mom as a toddler or elementary school age? I decided not to bear children because I don't have any of the enjoyment that most people seem to get from babies. I'm great with babies, but I don't particularly enjoy them - toddlers on up is a whole other story (except for teenagers, their job is to be obnoxious most of the time.) My now-ex-husband's kids lived with us full time from elementary school through high school, the youngest stayed with me for a few months after her dad moved out because it was the best place for her. Sometimes I loved being a full-time parent, sometimes I hated it. If you really and truly believe that you are just not cut out for parenting, then maybe you should give your daughter up for adoption. It's a serious and extreme decision, but if your feelings are that strong, it might be the best thing you can do for your daughter.

Best of Luck,
Julie
Posted By: JanZeiger

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 12:50 AM

Please get help right away. I think you can call your OB about this..
Posted By: Malamutes own me

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 03:07 AM

Hi Jenny,

I just took the time to go back and look at your previous posts and it looks like you first posted about this approx 15 months ago when your daughter was 2 months old.

I was raised by a parent who didn't want me. She never wanted children but had me because it was "what you're meant to do when you're married". The marriage broke down when I was quite young and neither of them really wanted to take me, but Mum got stuck with me. I'm now 25 and still going to counselling because I always felt like I wasn't wanted and definitely wasn't loved. To make up for that i tried everything possible to make her proud of me/love me - straight A student, debator, award winning, neat, tidy, clean the house etc. I basically had no real "off" time as there was the constant thing of "not being what she wanted". In arguments she would say that she "wished she never had me" and I was the "worst thing to happen to her life". I used to wish that I was really not hers so that one day a loving family could take care of me. My grandparents were the shining lights in the situation though as they loved me to bits and I'm extremely close to them. They really took over raising me mid-way through my life. Currently I haven't talked to my mum in over 4 years and hopefully will never have to again in my life.

As young as your daughter is, children can sense what you're feeling and will have a reaction to it that will only get worse as she gets older.

Would your parents or In-laws be able to raise her for you? Is adoption completely out of the question? How is your husband coping with everything - what's his take on the situation?

As hard as giving her up may be for you, possibly it's the best thing for her. She'd be with a loving family who can enjoy her whilst you can enjoy being the person that you want to be. That's not selfish at all; keeping her because you see no other options could be though.

I hope that you can find the best solution for you, your husband and your daughter.
Posted By: iwonder

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 04:19 AM

My first thought was postpartum depression. But, after reading more, the length of time and then dear Malamutes own me, oh my. I feel for you, I feel for your child, Malamutes I feel for you too.
If you both feel that you made a big mistake, it may be a bigger mistake for you to continue trying. Your child deserves more. I am so sorry for your family.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 12:14 PM

Something else to consider is that if the situation was caused by PPD, the feeling that the depression generates are still real, and that means that the damage and distance felt by you doesn't magically disappear as the PPD subsides. You have to work at retraining your thinking.

Honestly, the babe that I had which prompted PPD, caused me to have negative feelings for that child and there have been many times over the years that I have had to force feelings that I sadly thought should flow naturally. I have had to sit myself down and remind myself that I really do love that sweet little boy.

I think that this causes relationship breakdowns sometimes. So "working" on the bond is very important. I also think managing this is part of what parenting is. I know the rewards of trying, and the work, are immense. And I also know that the relationship that you work a little harder to develop, than the average mom/child relationship, is a super strong one.

As I said, again, it comes down to perspective. It is true how you think will be revealed.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 12:26 PM

My computer is blacking out, so I had to post. If you feel sorrow for the lack of bond; your child will feel your sadness and try to bring comfort. If you feel animosity, your child will be afraid. If you are indifferent; your child may loose the ability to know empathy. Just contemplating. However, perspective, even for your own emotional health, is truely trainable and important.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 01:50 PM

Thank you all so much for your support. Last year this time, we were going through the worst time in our lives because we were trying to decide whether to place her up for adoption. I agree with you all, until today, I think she is better off with other family who love her dearly. But we are from a traditional asian family, we can't do this because our family, friends, everyone will make us live like hell. To us, that's probably a harder way than raising her, because now I can post annoimously here and nobody will judge me... It is very sad. We are so lucky, my parents have been helping out a lot. She is almost 2 now. But very soon we'll be her sole guardians and will need to live with her for the next 16 years. I'm so scared, so sad. Thank you so much again, I really just wanted to talk it outloud..
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/01/07 02:52 PM

Confront your sorrow and make it happiness. Confront your fear and make it strength. These are entities. These things are hidinng behind your child. You like the person who is your child. What you have a problem with is your fears and your sorrows. You have the power to change these things. Emotions are seemingly huge and overpowering obsticles that are easy-easy to change. You start with perspective and fresh air and prayer.

Good luck!
Posted By: Dez

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/09/07 04:58 AM

If you are constantly focusing on how much you don't like being a mom, you will never like being a mom, and she will always be tense around you because she will sense that.

Retrain your thinking now. You may never love it, but you don't have to hate it. Nothing is easy in life, but don't let your daughter ruin everything you have, that's your choice to make. Choose to smile at her instead of frown, eventually you will train yourself to smile without thinking. As she gets older and a bit more independant, she will be less of a drag. Don't stop traveling because you have a child - children are meant to be blended into OUR lives, not the other way around.

At work they say, smile when you speak because then you always sound happy...it is impossible to sound mean while you are smiling. Practice smiling about being a mom, it will eventually change. You don't ever have to love it, no one does 100% of the time...you just don't want to hate it. It's too late now anyway.

At risk of sounding insensitive, My personal opinion is that it is selfish to choose to have a child and then decide you don't want to be a mother. The child had no choice in the matter, but she will be a reflection of your feelings toward her.

Dez
Posted By: cela

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/17/07 10:37 PM

Do you remember any good times as a child--like someone reading to you or taking time to teach you to cook? Remember how special you felt? When you do these things for a child, you are special. When a child depends on you, you are the most important person to that child. You are VERY important to your child.

Look into your child's eyes. That helped me connect with mine. There is a saying, "Bloom where you are planted." You have been transplanted to the "Parent Garden." Try to blossom--be the best parent you can be. At least, when the child is grown, you will have nothing to regret. While you are trying to blossom in this new garden, take time for yourself. My heart goes out to you and your child. I hope you will decide to love her. Love is truly a choice, and your child deserves the best choice.

Maybe part of your fear is that you will not do a good enough job. No one does a perfect job. Just try to do your best. To me, the most important things you can do for your child are (a) love her, (b) teach her empathy, and (c) help her become what she wants to be. Remember, you don't have to be perfect--just give it your best try. Do not be hard on yourself. Be fair to yourself and your child.
Posted By: simp

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/18/07 02:49 AM

I do not think you are alone in the way you feel. I love my daughter (2 months) but I am not thrilled with the demands she has put on me. I am trying to find balance in my life with placing her with a sitter or daycare several times a week to let me have some time to myself and with my husband. We schedule a date night once a week. Also, we have scheduled to have some weekends away without her. As women, we are led to believe that a natural mommy gene kicks in and every thing is great, but everyone is different. It's okay to not like everything about motherhood, however, try to focus on the way you can achieve some of your old life to satisfy your needs and the time you spend with your child will be better. You still can have a great relationship with you husband and you child. Just because you have a child does not mean you have to give up you old life completely, you just need to plan ahead. I know everyone does not feel the same about raising children and that is okay but you need to form a plan that will work for you and your husband. If that means scheduling the baby with childcare of some sort to give you more time so be it. There is no right or wrong way of child rearing. Do what is best for you, your husband, and child. It's all about balance. Good Luck!
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/18/07 09:44 PM

Thank you MomsPaula, Dez, Cela, Simp! I really appreciate your advice and understanding. I know I'm probably the 5% or less who are so scared of being a mom. But I wanted to get help, I pray that I'll be able to enjoy this process. I am not just complaining, I talked to conselors, I talked to my husband, I posted here because I know this is not healthy for me, for my baby, and my whole family. I think I'm doing better and better now. Actually both me and my husband spend as much time as possible with our daugther, we sing, we tell stories, we laugh. We started to enjoy her a lot more, maybe because she is not yet the terrible 2. smile But we used to talk a lot, about investment, about our own business, about everything in life. But now we spend all the time with a baby, and by the time she goes to sleep, I am already very tired. So you are right, I need to come up with a plan to make sure we still have "us" time. I keep telling myself, I'm already a very lucky person, I should just enjoy what I have and appreciate them.

Thank you again!
Posted By: cela

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/20/07 12:07 AM

You sound so much more upbeat. Congratulations. As the song says, "Keep on the sunny side." Also, VERY IMPORTANT, remember you do not have to do a perfect job--only do your best. Hugs to you.
Posted By: cela

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/20/07 12:12 AM

Oh, I forgot. Terrible 2's are not so terrible if you don't fight them. Just remind yourself that, at two, your child can't help saying, "no." Let it roll off your back. She will outgrow it whether you get upset about her "attitude" or just grin and bear it. Concentrate more on modeling the behavior you want her to learn than on controlling hers.
Posted By: babyquacker

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/20/07 03:37 AM

Jenny, congratulations! Cela is right! You sound so UPBEAT and confident! You sound like a happy, proud mother!

I am so glad that you came back to post and let us know how you are doing!! You HAVE made the adjustment from NO CHILDREN to PARENTHOOD and it sounds like you are really doing a good job! A good mother does read stories, sing and play with her baby, and does get tired. So my suggestion is to take a nap, whenever your little girl takes a nap, so you have more energy for your husband at night!

Children don't really have a "whole year" of bad behaviors like terrible twos or frightful fours. Usually those are when there are big growth spurts or alot of independent steps being taken. They don't last very long and if you have patience and good humor, you will realize that she is just growing up from what you are used to. Again, Cela had excellant advice about concentrating on modelling the behavior you want her to learn.

I am so happy to hear that you no longer "hate being a mom" and are trying to do all the things that you are doing. It really sounds like you have a great attitude, and that is going to make all the difference in the world, as your daughter grows up to be a "BRIGHT STAR" in your life! It does get a little easier each passing year, I think.

I wish you continued good luck and best wishes! God bless you and your husband, Jenny, as you continue to work together to be loving parents!

Trish
Posted By: LokiRav13

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/22/07 09:34 PM

As always, I am the late one to the party - but I have been waiting four years for some kind of connection to my child or an understanding as to what part of this parenting thing I am supposed to be enjoying. It is strangely reassuring to find another individual who didn't get all warm and fuzzy the moment their child was born.

Before child - I had freedom, money, hobbies, friends, a name . . . everything I had worked for 30 years to achieve - gone in the "blink of an eye" (or a push of the uterine muscles).

Now I have 3 jobs - mother, wife, employee - with no break in sight. I do not enjoy it, but have learned to "fake it" - so my child and spouse hopefully are not aware. I no longer have any friends, no time for hobbies, no freedom/time for anything enjoyable, and no name (I've become ****'s wife or *****'s mother).

If I hear one more person tell me I'm doing the toughest, but most rewarding, job there is - I have vowed to be sick on their shoes. This was truly the biggest mistake I ever made, and one that I cannot get out of, since my spouse didn't/wouldn't consider adoption.

For those who enjoy children (and the screaming - 6 hours a day, mess, and constraints) more power to you. But for anyone who has not had a child and stumbled upon this forum - please carefully consider you decision and don't let anyone talk you into having a child if you don't want one. If only . . . . (i say that alot these days)
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/24/07 08:28 PM

LokiRav13, I'm totally with you. I might have posted a more positive message earlier, but I don't think my feeling changes, I just tried, or forced myself to feel better and live one day at a time. Otherwise I will be depressed every minute I live. This is hard and harder that we have no way out but to live with this mistake.

I also feel sorry for myself and my hubby about losing "us" in this kid world. Before the baby, we have each other, we love and care for each other, we both love traveling and exploring the world. But now, we feel old, indifferent and just bored.

Seriously, people said they feel bored so they have a baby and their world is filled with joy. Good for you. But for me, reading the same story 10 times a day is boring, potty training is boring, going to the playground every weekend is boring, struggling to brush her teeth every night is boring and painful.

I still think the best solution for us is to find another couple who can raise our daugther, while we can still support her either financially, or even babysit her once in a while. Or I got striken by lightening so I all of a sudden feel the joy of being a mom. Otherwise, I will never get out of this big hole I dug for myself.
Posted By: iwonder

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/25/07 04:56 AM

Oh Jennyt you don't sound so good. Unfortunately your child will know this, and that will not be a good thing. You know, you don't have to read the same story ten times a day, and you don't have to go to the playground every weekend. Brushing the teeth, yes you need to do that. But you can make it fun, let her brush yours while you brush hers. It won't be long and she'll be brushing her own.

Mix up your weekend outings. Put a baby carrier on the bike, put her in a back pack, do something different. They are portable. Get out of the rut.

The glass is half full vs half empty. Honestly maybe it's time to look at yourself, not your child. Maybe you're depressed and need some help. I don't know, but I don't think it's wise for you or your child to continue on this path.

My youngest was at best a difficult child to feel a great connection to. She's a teen now, has left the house for a week at camp. All of us have said, "I miss her." Her siblings and mom and dad. Over time she has really grown on all of us, and we truly love her to pieces and love so much about her. So things can change.

Good luck, and for you and your daughter please do something to benefit both of you in a positive way.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/26/07 08:54 PM

Hi iwonder, I too think the problem is on me. My daugther, or all the kids in this world deserve all the love they need. I love kids when they make me laugh, and I enjoy playing with them. I just feel my life has changed too much when I need to raise one. But I hate myself when I think I'm complaining about my life, because I shouldn't have...Sorry, all the moms here, we're all the same, so why do I say all these negative words about being a mom. I just envy you, because you feel the joy, and I haven't yet. I wanted to but I have not found the balance in my life.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/26/07 11:32 PM

Jenny, I think you feel just like everyone else here. What makes the experiences of interacting different for each of us is what emotional response the individual holds on to. What you choose to let pass through you and what you hold and carry around. That can be a subtle thing, or a stuck response, or a habit. I also think it can be a choice. Like the negetive "pain" (we all know one) who is always whining. That is not their destiny. They can change their "Perspective." But, it takes mental retraining and a little work. Worth it!

We are humans with the ability to feel joy, pain, and boredom. Attitude equals altitude. Great women who rise from adversity, suck it up and make it work for them. A child who has a mom who can do that, it getting a great gift from her.
Posted By: cela

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/05/07 03:31 AM

It's hard for me to accept, but there must just be differences in people that result in some who enjoy children and some who do not. It's a shame some of us do not know this before we become parents. For me, watching children mature is interesting. To me, child development is pretty complex and not boring. Knowing there are people who regret being parents is so sad because it is too late for them to change their course. There is suffering for the parents and the children.

I was raised by someone who felt overwhelmed by parenting. She yelled constantly. I don't think she had a clue how important she was to us. We thought she hated us. It's a very burdensome way to grow up.

To LokiRav13, maybe you are just overloaded. I spent a few years working full-time, parenting, and being a wife. I worked in an executive position and tried to keep the homefront operating as well as the office did. For me, it became clear that the business I ran was just another "family," but it did not love me like my real family did. I finally decided to give up the job and focus on the family. I know not everyone can do this, but it is sometimes more feasible than people think. There are some built-in expenses that go with working. You might be able to switch to some part-time position and free up some time just for you. It really can be rough when your schedule is packed non-stop.

I hope somehow this "advice" helps, but I understand if you think I'm too different in my outlook for you to find this helpful.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/05/07 08:32 PM

Posted on the wrong thread, oops!
Posted By: RNS

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/14/07 08:59 PM

Jenny, I don't know if you are still hanging around and reading on this site, but I have one question. Before you got pregnant, did you want children?

I think that if both you and your husband are both unhappy, you really may need to find her another family that could care for her. Honestly, you do seem to care because you are trying to find what is best for her and if you know you can not be that person, then you are doing right by trying to find someone else. Good luck, and keep us posted.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/14/07 10:42 PM

I'm sorry, but the enormous sense of abandonment that most adopted children feel/live with, needs to be considered if you are thinking about the best interest of the child.
Posted By: RNS

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/15/07 08:32 PM

But is it better for the child to have that sense of abandonment, yet be raised by loving parents rather than be raised by parents who don't want the child there?
Posted By: babyquacker

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/16/07 01:38 AM

MomsPaula, my best friend is adopted and has NEVER said that she has ever felt that she was ever abandoned by her natural mother because she was adopted. She was always very proud to be adopted and has known since early childhood that she was adopted. She feels that she was "hand picked" by her parents . She feels blessed! smile

I really don't think adopted children feel/live with an enormous sense of abandonment. I think it is MUCH worse to grow up in a home where you are not sure that you are really wanted or loved. Listening to a parent scream all the time or use verbal abuse against you or simply ignoring you leaves many more scares than growing up in a loving home with adopted parents. Telling a child that they wish they were never born, they were a "mistake", and how much of life they had to give up because they brought the child into the world, are ALL much worse for a child's development than growing up in an loving adoptive home where they NEVER have to experience any of that other negativity(garbage) they would experience in a home with "birth right" parents. frown

Adoptive parents have so much to give: love, time, energy, experience, education, and a environment to thrive. They have generous, caring and loving hearts that would AND COULD be so much better for a child than growing up with a parent who is just not sure IF, after a few years, they are not really sure they want or even LIKE the child.

Jenny, if you and your husband can't mix up the "fun stuff" of raising a child, like iwonder suggested, or change your priorites like Cela had recommended, or change your attitudes like MomsPaula has suggested, or have even thought of the way you care for your daughter and thought about whether or not it was something you planned and are happy with, like RNS had asked you, THEN I would have to agree with RNS. I think that you would be doing the right thing by finding someone who would truly LOVE your daughter the way she deserves to be loved. I think ALL OF YOU, your daughter, you and your husband would ALL be much happier and much healthier! wink

I add my best wishes and good luck to you and your husband. I add my hope, with the others, that you can come to some kind of decision before your daughter gets much older and understands how you feel about having her. If you really choose to keep, love and care for her, then you need to listen to what MomsPaula said: "We are humans with the ability to feel joy, pain, and boredom. Attitude equals altitude. Great women who rise from adversity, suck it up and make it work for them. A child who has a mom who can do that, is getting a great gift from her. " smile

As I iwonder said, "Good luck, and for you and your daughter please do something to benefit both of you in a positive way."

Please keep us posted. wink We are here to help you find ALL THE POSITIVE things to do to be THE BEST MOTHER THAT YOU CAN BE, laugh if YOU choose to do that!

God bless you, Jenny.

Trish
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/16/07 12:08 PM

I'm sorry Baby Quacker, I really don't want to dwell on this but I know 3 women who were adopted and they all had a hard time with it. I think it must be an individual thing, that we can't determine.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/20/07 08:21 PM

RNS, babyquaker, MomsPaula and all, when I saw all these replies, I don't know what to say, but tears come into my eyes. I never imagine I could get so much support, and most importantly understanding from this forum. Sometimes I thought I am such a "selfish, terrible" mother that I really don't deserve any empathy.

I tried to change like MomsPaula told me, but doing that, is like if forcing a vegitarian to eat chicken. I can definitely change, but that's not natual, I will (at least from what I can see now) never enjoy my life like you do, because what I want is fundamentally different from what I got. That's fine, because we need to accept what life gave us, so like MomsPaula says, bloom where you are planted should be our principle. But the thing is, I feel I do have a choice, and that is Adoption. If I can do this, then it seems like everything will get back on track.

Believe me, I have given so much thought about adoption that I can write a book about it. I actually agreen with RNS, and babyquaker, I believe children will be so happier if the adopted family can provide the love and stability they need. I am the birth mother, but I don't think I am the best person to raise her. 95% of the birth parents feel the unconditional love for their children, and that's the "right match". But like me, the rest of the 5% feel we don't feel the connection, so it's better for someone who have that kind of love to give to the baby. To me, that's unselfish. Because till today, I don't think my daughter is "mine", I just want her to be happy, even that means she is raised by someone else. and of course, then I will be happy.

So if things permitted, I will, Yes, I will absolutely go with adoption. But I'm being selfish, by not letting this happen. Because I don't wnat to be judged and I want to be seen as having a normal life. I am from an Asian family, my husband's family will probably disown us if we do adoption. They have been taking care of the baby for a while now, they are very attached to her. So I don't want to hurt them. I do feel trapped, many times I almost want to kill myself and the baby. My husband and I were thinking if we go with adoption, we will have to lie that my baby die from accident. and I can't do that, because I will go crazy if i keep a lie like that forever. I talked to a conselor before, she doesn't seem to think the lying part is a big problem. She feels if we want, we should do it. I don't agree, keeping that kind of lie will eventually distroy myself. So because I just want to be a normal person, we decided to keep the baby. This, is what I called being selfish. adoption, to me is a better option for the baby.

So just to tell you what my life is like now, when I go home, I do all my duties. My hubby and I are still disoriented, meaning we don't know what to hope for for every day, we just live a day at a time. We used to have plans, and get excited about them. but now, since our lives are around the baby world, we're just doing what we're supposed to. and when I am by myself, i just can't keep thinking about all the options to keep our life style unchanged, for example, find a full time nanny to be her mom, or a weekend day care to drop her off. I mean I feel truly terrible to think about this, because I should be her mom, and I should be with her most of the time and let the nanny do the chores if any. But I rather do all teh house work, but let someone else watch her. Again, I am sooooo jealous of ppl who enjoy life, with kids or not, as long as that's what you want.

LOL, i think if anyone who want to write a research paper for this topic, I can be the perfect case study.
Posted By: Julie - Computer Careers

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/23/07 01:48 AM

Jenny - Maybe someone already asked this, but would your husband's family be willing to adopt her?

Julie
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/23/07 08:13 PM

That'd be a good solution, because I don't mind support her financially. Unfortunetly it won't work in our situation. Grandma is very nice and takes good care of her. However, she herself also thinks baby is more a burden rather than joy. I've felt bad by asking her for help. Nobody else in our family can adopt her.

But this week, I felt I've changed a bit. My kid has grown up to be a toddler, and she is so much fun now. I really enjoy being with her sometimes. I am not as fearful as before, I like her more and more, and she does too. So feelings definitely can change... I will keep posting updates here..hopefully one day, I'll be as proud as you are.
Posted By: Alice - Weight Loss

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/23/07 08:27 PM

Jenny,
You can give the baby up for adoption. And in many cases, you can still be a part of her life if you want to. It's not a shameful thing anymore. In fact, it's a loving gesture.

If there isn't a close friend or family member who will do this, I know of someone who would be willing to. PM me if you'd like to chat.

You are not alone in how you feel. It very well could be a case of PPD. But above all, you shouldn't be fearful of what other people might think, because they are not walking in your shoes.

I agree that kids can grow on you, but they can also sense instinctively when they are not #1 - even when you think you are doing your best to cover it up.

How does your husband feel about adoption?
Posted By: Julie - Computer Careers

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/24/07 01:31 AM

Jenny -

It may be that you just don't like babies. I decided not to have children because while I love kids, I have no feelings for babies at all (they are just work) and I didn't feel that was a good environment to bring a child into.

However, if the grandmother herself feels that the baby is just work, she might be more willing than you think to support you in adoption.

Julie
Posted By: Hope816

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/24/07 02:00 AM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt

I do feel trapped, many times I almost want to kill myself and the baby.


I think you need help...URGENTLEY.
Please seriousley consider giving your daughter up for adoption. There are so many people out there who can give her the life she deserves. Its just a shame you did not realise how you felt before you had children.I am sorry for you but you need to do something and soon.There is a precious little girl caught in the middle.Her interests come first.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/24/07 07:19 PM

Yea, I'm scared, when I had that thoughts. I know it is a serious issue. But my hubby has accepted the fact, but he just couldn't tolerate baby's crying, or disobediences. So when I saw him getting frustrated, I am so sad. I felt I really ruined 3 people's lives. But other than my hubby, who simply just wnat to move on now, i can't talk to anyone. Because, I am very different when I am in front of my friends, families. I appear to be the perfect mother. I am very cheerful, I sing, I dance, I hug my daughter a lot. But when I am by myself, I hated it so much, that I just wnat her to disappear. It is very very scary.

I do want to go with adoption, but I want to be able to be a part of her life. I also want the adoptive parents to understand I am not abandoning her, but just to give her a better mom. But I'm afraid once they adopt her, I'll be out of the picture even though they promise open adoption. But i know for my baby girl, she really deserves a mom who give her all of the unconditional love.

For my mil, she is not like me. Though she thinks babies are just work, but she is just an incredible mother and grandmother. She loves her so much she will not let us give her up. I like her and I respect her, so that's why sometimes I feel like I am doing this just for the grandparents.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/24/07 07:30 PM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
But this week, I felt I've changed a bit. My kid has grown up to be a toddler, and she is so much fun now. I really enjoy being with her sometimes. I am not as fearful as before, I like her more and more, and she does too. So feelings definitely can change... I will keep posting updates here..hopefully one day, I'll be as proud as you are.


You are "that mom" Jenny. Trust yourself and give yourself time.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/24/07 07:59 PM

Thanks MomsPaula.
Posted By: iwonder

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/29/07 05:57 AM

Jenny, your posts from 8/23 and 8/24 are very different from each other. You at one point say how much fun she is, and the next you want to give her up for adoption. One thing that I haven't seen mentioned, do you really believe if you give her up, life will be all wonderful again? Believe it or not you and your husband have a bond with this child now. As she does with you. And most likely you will think about her every day. This is all so very sad.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/29/07 02:00 PM

Yea, one day is better than the other. But if there is a time machine, even someone tells me it might cost my life, I will definitely jump in and go back in time to 3 years ago.

I am even thinking starting a pre-natal counseling program to help people to understand what changes might bring to their lives after having a kid. It is a huge change, but the society seems to promote the idea that it is only good changes. For most people, yes, and good for them. But for some, making a more informative decision may change their mind.

Here is my own prescription for myself:

1. Try to make more friends with happy moms, so hopefully I can feel I am one of them.

2. Find nanny or baby sitter when I feel like it, so I can spend time with my hubby. and I won't resent my child as much.

3. Do my best but knowing I can't be the perfect mom, my child has her own fate.

4. I am doing this for God, like a charity thing, so I'm doing him a favor by raising his child! LOL.
Posted By: LeahNatlanta

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/29/07 02:25 PM

I am a single mother whose children are grown. I was very young when I had my first child, my daughter. I couldn't bond with her for a while because I resented how her father had done me. But she grew on me. She's given me three granddaughters that I am very proud of. They will take care of me when I'm old. But I am most proud of her. She divorced her husband who abused the children, went to college on her own while raising teenagers, and putting an addition on her house! She's found her calling in teaching. She is my best friend.

You really don't have a choice at this point. The best you can do is keep trying. Where would we be without our Mothers?

You Can Do It!
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/29/07 03:07 PM

Thanks so much for your encouragement Leah. Both you and your daughter are strong women. I wish one day my daughter and I will become best friends.
Posted By: Alice - Weight Loss

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/29/07 03:15 PM

Leah, what a great statement: WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT OUR MOTHERS?

Says it all!

Keep smiling!
Posted By: jxlxkx

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/31/07 12:59 AM

I hate being a mom too. I got pregnant when I was 24 and my ex hubby was on drugs and gambling. I wanted an abortion but feel like I was guilted into being a mom by my family and him.

My son has ADHD and Aspergers and is 7. My husband and I are seperated. I would say 80% of the time I hate my life and can't wait for him to go to school or go to bed.

I am always stressed out about how he is going to act. I am always worried the school is going to call. I lose my temper and say ugly horrible things and than I feel extreme guilt.

I am going to school, my husband pays 80% of our bills and student loans pay rest. I have no insurance to see a doctor and don't qualify for social services. My family is disfunctional and would not be a good option to raise my son.

When I finish school I worry I will lose every job due to his behavior problems. I really regret having him. I actually enjoyed him as a baby but still I always found motherhood to be very difficult.
Posted By: mazurka

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/10/07 03:31 AM

Most of the time I can't stand being a mother either. I ruined everything by having a second child. With one, I could focus on her and feel pretty good about the connection we had, and the amount of attention she was getting. There was time for me, time for her, time for my husband (who is very busy as it is). But with two, I never feel like I'm giving *either* enough. I always feel guilty! And this second time around, I find I can't stand reading the same boring books over and over again, answering the same ridiculous questions while trying to take them seriously, correcting the bad behavior that won't seem to go away. Everyone says I'm so patient, but inside I'm screaming and tearing out my hair. And I'm not patient when I'm alone with them. I can't *stand* the ingratitude, the thoughtlessness, the disrespect, presumptions, and defiance. My connection with the older is in tatters - at the end of the day I don't have energy to give her some special one-on-one attention after number two is asleep, and I can tell she needs it, but I just want to go hide somewhere and cry. Every night is a struggle for something, every pleasant interaction is marred by their tyrannical impulses to quarrel, make demands, or complain. The worst part is, when I'm low on energy or feeling out of sorts, they can detect it, and they're worse than ever. And then when I finally get some time to myself I feel too rattled by everything and too resentful of my enslavement to enjoy it. Or by the time I start feeling relaxed and centered again, time's up, or it's three in the morning and I've just ensured my morning is going to be impossible.

There's really nothing I can do but keep muddling on. But I feel so terrible, my thoughts are so ugly. And it's true - kids can detect it. So really, my thoughts are not my own: I have no privacy. And it's unfair. It's when I feel the most unloving that they act the most atrociously, and I know it's because they're trying to provoke me into getting angry so that when they've apologized we'll be close again. It's a terrible pattern. And I feel so guilty. I don't want them to feel unloved. And I don't want to see myself as an unloving person. But I never miss them when they're gone and I feel like I come alive as soon as I know they're asleep. And I often fantasize about faking my own death so I could vanish out of their lives without making them feel intentionally abandoned.

I never even hint at this with other mothers I meet in person. I don't feel like it would be socially acceptable. I'm just writing this now because tonight I really needed to read about other mothers feeling this way, and reading this thread helped me feel more human.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/10/07 12:53 PM

Mazurka, that was a fantastic description of motherhood!

All of us go through that. The connection you are trying to create, the understanding, and information, you are trying to impart, is better for your health and energy, if you wait till they are older. You need to step back and not take their squabbling and energy as defiance. Observe them as giggling girls in a field of daisies. You need to keep them safe, you need to direct them to the bath to brush their teeth. You need to not allow them to demand their own way, and follow simple rules, when they can. Otherwise, let them be care free. Take your one to one bonding in the middle of chasos. Teaching one while the other is in proximity, allows the other to learn (sometimes) by osmosious. If your books have gotton stale, go to the library. And don't, I repeat don't take things so seriously, or personalize their personalities. Your kids are their own persons. I could read my child stories in the car (while driving) cause I knew the book by heart.

Moms of young kids, tend to drag along looking for a personal time out. The energy level of young children, can suck the life out of you. Allow their high energy to bang off of each other and the great outdoors, while you think, read, or workout, in their presence. People make the mistake of thinking kids can respond as an adult, when required. But, the reality is that when you try to make kids act this way, you are more apt to look/feel immature or childish. I ran laps around the yard while my boys played together. I got in shape, stayed warm, stayed interested, became mentally resilient. They had fun being what ever it was they wanted to be. I used their "foolish" time before bed, to straighten the bedroom and get organized. Climb into bed and call, 'storytime.' If they 'cut up' too much no story. They learn fast.

My first child would ignore my plea's to conform. One day a friend distracted him, this stopped the improper behavior, by a swipe of her hand, and no break in our conversation. A huge lightbulb moment for silly me.

I found managing two children, OK. The third kid was the one that broke the 'time camels' back. I was having a serious conversation, dealing with a crying spell, plus some other emergency, while cooking dinner. I discovered that the unfinished conversations, or lack of compassion, that I felt a failure for, didn't affect our family, my kids ability to grow into compassionate young men, one bit. When things get crazy, join it! Lighten up, chuck routine, and always keep your secret weapon handy; a warm hug.

PS. bath the kids together. I had three in the tub for years. Everyone crawl into one bed and read stories, together. Streamline duties, make your life more fun for you. You are allowed fun, too. We can't "control" our kids, we can only control the atmosphere.
Posted By: momzie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/10/07 06:22 PM

JennyT: I really feel for you. I HATED being a mom for about the first two or three years of my child's life, and everyone kept telling me there was something wrong with me because I found it all so impossibly boring. My child was extremely difficult - colicky, tantrummy, sensory issues, it felt like he screamed all the time and I never really felt like he liked me either. Also, he frequently demanded all these rigid routines -- the same story 30 times in a row, the same conversation over and over again. I wanted to rip my head off!

Finally, when my child was in first grade, a doctor suggested that he might have Asperger's syndrome, which is actually a mild form of autism. One of its characteristics is that the child is kind of emotionally unresponsive and also REALLY likes repetitive things. Asperger children can seem incredibly boring -- and if you've ever spent a lot of time isolated with only a child like that, you can feel like you're losing your mind. Our family lived far away and only saw him on birthdays and holidays (when he misbehaved) so they always said the problem was me.

Is there a possibliyt that your child may have some underlying issue that is making it difficult for you to parent her? PLEASE, I urge you, go to your pediatrician and explain the situation. Ask them to do a full work-up. Most of what we enjoy about being moms is having the child respond to us. When the child doesn't it can be a long and lonely road -- and it's not your fault. Please consider this.
Posted By: jxlxkx

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/13/07 02:11 AM

We should be a support group for each other, whats really draining is having to put on a act for the other mothers and schools. Just having someone to talk to and say what is really on our minds might help us.

momzie can you tell me more about aspergers, I was told my son may have it but he is in no way boring. That may be the adhd side of him countering the aspergers if he has it.

Posted By: chris40

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/18/07 12:28 AM

Dear Jennyt,

I feel exactly like you. We wanted to have our boy adopted out as a baby but there was too much pressure to keep him. Now we are miserable, and he's now 3. Everyone says it will get better, It hasn't. I hate the boredom and the prison cell that being a parent has become for me. I am going to talk to the adoption agency again but I know that I will get no support and won't be able to face the world, family, friends if we try to have him adopted. It was hard enough as a baby to make that choice, well it's even harder now. Life was happy until I got preganant. Now I am in a living hell with a beautiful healthy toddler as my prison guard. If only I could turn back time. I feel desperate most of the time.

Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/18/07 01:08 AM

Chris, maybe when you talk to the adoption agency, they can recommend a support group or counseling agency in your area. I am sure you are not the only person to ever feel this way. I realize some people will criticize you for making this decision, but I think you are being very brave. Or if your family really wants you to keep him, see if you can arrange an in-family adoption.

Momzie & jxlxkx, My son has Asperger's. He just turned 16. I've been there - heck I'm still there, just going through different trials (dating & Asperger's - ugh!)

When were 1st trying to figure out what was going on, even the Dr.s missed the dx. Although it had been around for awhile, still not many people, other than those specializing in autistic diseases seemed to know anything about it. At one point he was dx with ADHD, ODD (oppositional/defiant disorder), OCD (obsessive/compulsive) and depression - all at the same time! This was when he was 8 - I didn't understand how a little 8 yr old boy could be suffering from all of those. But it was because Asperger's seems to have a some traits of all of those disorders.

Classic earmarks: hyperfocusing - can be mistaken for attentio deficit, because it seems like the child is not paying attentio to anything, when really it is because they are so intently focused on whatever it is they are interested in, that they are inable to tear their attention away to anything else. Motor tics - humming, rocking, pacing, hair twirling, etc. especially when emotionally distraught about something (a major similarity with autism). Pedantic speech - the child tends to talk at you, almost like lecturing, rather than with you, has difficulty holding a 2-way converstaion, and has difficulty understanding that what they find fascination, not everyone else does (Michael is finding this a real hindrance in trying to ask girl's out). Often hypersensitive in hearing, touch, and sometimes smell. Have a hard time tuning out outside stimuli. Have a hard time reading facial expressions, and so will react inappropriately.

These were just some of the major things that I remembered (and still see somewhat). The good thing about Asperger's, is that typically the children are highly intelligent, and eventually can reason out how they should behave, even if it doesn;t come naturally to them.
Posted By: peartree2u

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/04/07 05:46 AM

I just wanted to add my own experience. I adopted as a single mom at the age of 42, and there have been many times when I have thought that it was a huge mistake and even considered going back to the adoption agency and asking them to find my daughter a new family. The sleep deprivation really got to me in the first year, and the 2nd and now 3rd year I get overwhelmed by the toddler defiance, the slowness at getting out the door, the never ending demands for my attention. However, I love my daughter very much, and I believe that all the challenges I face are God's way of opening up my heart to love others--the self that I was when I was just me before I was a mom is undergoing a transformation, a maturation from my self-based life to a life of service to others. That doesn't make it any easier, but for all the freedom and disposable income I had before my daughter, I really lived a fairly sterile life--my heart was not challenged. And sometimes I just have to pray (after cussing out God for awhile) with the admittance that I am overwhelmed and in over my head, and I am giving what I need to get through the day.

I really like the suggestions that Paulamom (did I get that name right?) posted last month--they are very helpful! The times I do best as a mom are when:

1) I let go of my ideas about how the day should go and what I 'need' to do;

2) I change the environment when I am really starting to lose it--for example, take a walk or go out in the backyard when things are getting tense with my daughter and I after work. One night, the bedtime thing was really bad--she used to get out of bed for a few weeks--and one night she kept getting up and creeping down the hall, finally about 10:30 pm (I hate having my mommy time interrupted) I was getting angry about it, and I just said F** it.... I put on an Iggy Pop CD and we wound up dancing around the living room together to loud rock music--but having a ball...I think it let us both release stress, do it together and then I was able to get her back to bed. I've found other times when I just give up, she comes around--there have been a few times when she wouldn't put on her pjs, so I just went in my room, put on my pjs and went to bed--of course, my daughter just would not go for that, and had to put on her jammies too.

Oh, and the last thing that I wanted to add is that my friends whose kids are older reassure me that even by the time she's 4 years old things will get easier--she'll be able to do more for herself, and so on. I seem to have an inability to put things in perspective--I think that what's going on now is the way it will always be. But of course, that's just my thinking, which I often confuse with reality!!!

Posted By: Maxwell

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/04/07 06:29 AM

It disappoints me that we rarely hear about the other side of parenting - it seems like a taboo subject to admit you're not coping or unhappy. Society puts so much pressure on people to procreate - I have always believed parenting is not for everyone - just as not everyone is a suitable candidate for the fire brigade or medicine.
The consequences of doing it and being unhappy are frightening - you can't give it back - I think its the biggest decision of your life.
That's why I didn't do it ... I watched my mother and aunts raise their children and knew at a very early age that I wanted to do something else with my life.
I really feel for people who are unhappy in the parenting role - I fear that may have been me if I had given into the sometimes overwhelming pressure.
I can't imagine how people manage with special needs children and multiple births. I was reading about a lady that has two small sons with autism - her life was a living nightmare - she was desperate for respite care.
Perhaps, you could have a day a week to yourself - ask family and friends to take your child so you can have some "me" time - also, maybe take a part time job - perhaps its just the shock of a totally changed lifestyle. Perhaps time apart will help - also, sleep deprivation can lead to depression or the blues - if you're not getting enough rest maybe you could sort out a timetable with your husband so you both get some sleep or get someone to mind your child for a few hours in the afternoon so you can get some rest. Get some support from the people who love you.
Good luck to you - I hope it all works out for you.
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/04/07 08:52 PM

You nailed it, Peartree2u. As I mature, I think that service-to-others thing is really a service to myself. As my boys become less demanding of my time, I see that it is them who have put my life back on track. (don't get me wrong, I'm often derailed) Showing me, shallow worldlyness is where I was dwelling as an adult. (though I considered myself above it) I believe it takes an exceptional person, (Mother Teresa type) to grow in selflessness, without first having kids.

I don't think we are all to become the "same mom." But, I think that where ever each of us is going, it involves growth. (which is often done with gnarling of teeth and self-pity)

I guess that makes it sad irony that we overindulge and materialize the the ones who could save us.
Posted By: peartree2u

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/05/07 01:18 PM

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say, MomsPaula.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I think some of us go through a process that is very similar to grieving upon the huge, life altering changes involved in taking on the responsiblity of a baby or child that now relies on us 24/7. The emotional process I've been through seems very similar to what I went through after my best friend and companion died of cancer when we were 39 (hence me adopting solo). But the anger, the desire to escape (I've gained 20 lbs since my daughter came along--and I didn't even give birth!) through food and late night tv, the depression, the anger, the sorrow for what was lost--all what I went through with Jim's illness and after he died.

My daughter is now 2 1/2 years old, and though I still have trying times (every parent does), I'm now in an acceptace phase, and rather than dwelling in my self-pity and sorrow for what I've given up in my life, I'm trying to find solutions for the situations and behaviors that have been a struggle, and appreciate the amazing process of seeing that helpless little baby talk, learn potty, take care of her babydolls, try to read me a story, sing, dance and laugh.

And it's okay for parents to travel and take trips without their little kids--my parents are thrilled to get to come help and watch my daughter for a few days when I have to travel for work, and I am usually able to schedule in a day or 2 at the end to do some sightseeing or relaxing--it's not a hike down the grand canyon, but it's a break and get to see new places. I have had to adjust what might constitute a 'get away'--sometimes it's taking a hike (free except for gas) for the day, or going on an overnight trip locally. I had no idea how expense a child would be, and right now, I'm living paycheck to paycheck. But we have a roof over our heads, a working car, food in the cupboards and the bills are relatively caught up. I believe that this will change over time too--but for the first 2 years with my daughter I was in denial about my financial situation, and made it worse. Now I am facing it and accepting it is what it is, and the challenge of budgeting and menu planning is kind of fun.

I have had a hard time asking other people to watch my daughter except for meetings for work or something; my mental twist is that she's at daycare 5 days a week while I work--it's not fair for her to be at a babysitters or friends in the evenings or weekends for a few hours--but it's more unfair for her to be with a mom (me) who doesn't make some time to do other things and get refreshed.

One last thing and then I will shut up, but I agree that being a parent isn't for everyone. But, the thing I'm finding out is that even for some of us that think that we aren't up to it can find a way to give our children love, bond with them, and get through [censored] times and come to embrace the life we've been given. It feels strange to say that, after the difficulties I've been through, but I would not want my daughter out of my life--she's become a part of who I am, and what my life is about, and I think she'd be far more messed up with abandonment issues that she would be with a mom that is off-kilter sometimes.

Speaking as someone who was adopted as an infant, the sort of self-esteem issues that a kid who's parents gave them up because they just didn't feel like being parents is also scarring.

Sorry to go on so long--it's just so refreshing to be able to discuss this. I agree that it's been taboo for a mom to admit that sometimes she hates having her kids and wishes they weren't there, which is very isolating!
Posted By: MomsPaula

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/07/07 04:27 PM

I could never take time to myself, cause I was home all day. My life was all fun and freedom. (SAD)

My boys are 10, 12, and 14. Their ages, and moving to a new area a few months ago, are causing me to go through parenting changes. I feel like I am up against an invisible monster, who uses cookies to lure my kids away from safety.

For the first time in a while, I feel like I don't have all the bases covered. I am not even sure where some of the bases are. Everything is great at home. THe boys get along. People tell me how good they are. And I am living in anxiety.

Praying and trying. Hoping to be on track. Hoping to be awake, so as not to be caught unawares. Trying to be tuned into their emotions. And trying to ensure we have enough family fun, so no one slips out of the loop, looking for 'a life.'
Posted By: bcd

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/28/07 01:57 AM


HI Jennyt,

I have some unique perspective to add to your story. First off I was adopted. I was lucky; my adoptive family was loving and supportive. I was a newborn though, not a 2 year old with a very strong idea of who mommy and daddy are. Adoption is traumatic. Even though I "lucked out" and ended up in a good place, I am very different from my adoptive sister and brother. I felt this my whole life growing up. I was not the same as everyone else.
I work with special needs kids, I see moms every day who would love to trade places with you. Moms who struggle to give their child language or even comfort. I am trained to look for abuse in families who have children that have extreme behaviours, and your remark about your husband not wanting to deal with "disobediance" really raised a red flag with me. A 2 year old child doesn't disobey, they are learning. They truly don't know better.
Everyone on this post has been extremely supportive of you. I feel you are very immature and selfish. My heart breaks for your daughter. You truly don't deserve her. I know people who have dogs that are more connected. Poor you; you have a healthy intelligent child.
Posted By: Lisa_Orlando

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/28/07 03:45 PM

I am frankly staggered that Jenny has said she thinks about killing herself and her child AND has done nothing to make this situation better.

Is anyone in this childs life going to do something to make it better or is she going to grow up with a Mother who is self obsessed and totally disregarding of her child, someone who is MORE concerned about how her parents see her then the well being of her child. This poor little girl has done nothing wrong yet she would be better off raised by wolves then the Mother and Father who have her.

As for suggesting that the child would be better off staying with the Mother who wants to kill her then being put up for adoption because she would have abandonment issues, thats purely crazy talk. I am adopted, yes I have felt badly about that, but that is MORE about how my adopted family dealt with the issue then anything else. AND I can tell you for sure that after getting to know my birth Mother, I would have been better off raised by wolves then by her. She had a string of worthless men, druggies, alcoholics, I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had remained in her care. She seems to have a special desire to be with men who drink AND are unmedicated bipolars...Her own parents were unfit from what she tells me. My life would have been hell with them.

I will NEVER understand how there can be a segment of society SO completely unprepared to have children yet they keep popping out kids like litters of puppies. Then we have the CF people who know their own mind and have no children and what do we as a society do? We treat THEM like they are the problem. More people should be encourage NOT too breed, Jenny being at the top of the list.
Posted By: moralee

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 11/20/07 10:35 PM

Hi JennyT and other moms reading,

I'm new here, 31 years old, with a 3-year-old daughter. I'm miserable. I have horrible mood swings and was just diagnosed with bipolar II disorder three months ago, after being diagnosed with depression for years. Most of my life I've struggled with things like eating disorders, OCD, alcoholism, etc. Life's been tough.

I got married at age 23, quit drinking, eventually earned my master's degree. I wrote a memoir that I was proud of. My husband and I worked as teachers together and lived very close to our family. Everything was WONDERFUL until we had a child five years after getting married.

I was very excited throughout my pregnancy, but went into postpartum depression immediately after giving birth. We had just moved an hour drive from family and friends to a new, not so nice neighborhood, to save money. My daughter had reflux which made me so anxious I could never sleep. I stayed at home with her and never wanted to go anywhere, and my husband did little to help. Then we started moving all over, from eastern USA to Sydney, back to US, then to the West Coast (California, where we live now).

I just wanted to say that I relate to the feelings of HATING motherhood. But it's hard to "see" clearly most of the time, I think because of my bipolar disorder. I feel like I should never have had a child and that she'd be so much better off without me. Some moments are beautiful and fun and I can be so calm and find respect from her. But the littlest thing sets me off (my triggers) and I flip out! Just today, I took her shopping for some new nightgowns. We had a great time shopping and she behaved so well. But when we got home, she went to the potty and then wiped her bottom with her hands, getting pee on her hands, and then tried to leave the bathroom. I told her forcefully to get back in there and wash her hands. She kept trying to escape and thought it was funny. She tugged on my sweater with her "pee hands" as I kept calling them. I continued to yell, even tried to push her back in the bathroom.

It was awful. I kept yelling, "JUST WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!" I'm sure the neighbors heard. It was time for her nap (it was actually OVERDUE). Naturally this ended up in a crying fit for her. I locked myself in my bedroom and blasted Enya, trying to recover.

It takes me about two hours to recover from such an event. Then I am depressed and want to escape. I have fantasies of escaping. My husband and I have talked of divorce because he's sick and tired of me making him miserable. He thinks I'm ungrateful for all his hard work to earn money for our family. He sometimes threatens me that he'll get custody because of my illness.

The truth is, I KNOW he would be a better parent even if she's in childcare all day instead of with me. I say TERRIBLE THINGS that a mother should not say to her child, like saying I will leave if she doesn't behave. I know how WRONG it is to scare a child like that, that she will be abandoned. Yet I keep saying things like that. And when I leave the room and I THINK and HOPE she can't hear me, I can't stop myself from saying "[censored] you [censored] you shut the [censored] up" and other bad words. I get so angry SO EASILY. And she'll even tell me, "I want my daddy. Daddy is better. You're not good." And I know this is true.

Eventually we "make up" and she says, "Are you happy, Mommy?" I am afraid, mostly, that I'm messing up her brain forever, that she'll need therapy forever to get over the fact of having a bipolar mother (I am on medication but can't seem to get on the right type or dosage for it to keep me from having these manic rages, then dark depressions!). My father was bipolar. My daughter has a 50% chance of being bipolar, too.

I know I'm really rambling here, but just needed to get these thoughts out. I have contemplated suicide, too, but can't stand the thought of her thinking it was her fault. I don't understand how I can be so loving and affectionate one minute, then wanting to push her away from me the next. She's actually a VERY GOOD CHILD most of the time! So when something little goes wrong I lose my temper and lose all control and become MEAN and wish I'd never had her. Then the guilt follows.

What is the point of all this? I keep asking God what I'm supposed to learn from this, what I'm supposed to do. I threaten her that I'll leave and go to work all day and put her in school all day! AGain, a horrible thing to say to a child! My mouth is like the devil sometimes and I have little self-control. I get so desperate for a quick fix because I've always been a control-freak.

So last night I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband suggested I go back to school to get an MFA or PhD in writing or English. And so I'm trying to research it, and I was so uplifted, and thought I could choose a school with childcare and with enough loans and working on our budget we MIGHT be able to make it work, if I get a part-time job. So then I thought I'd be a better mom if I'm not with her most of the time. IS that bad to just escape like that? And I'm afraid she won't adjust, afraid I've already ruined our relationship as mother and daughter, afraid the school thing won't lead to better things for me and I'll fail (even though I earned all A's while getting my master's degree).

I just feel lost. If I was so happy and hopeful, after feeling so miserable and hopeless for so long, WHY DID I FREAK OUT ON MY CHILD TODAY? I feel like I'm never going to find happiness again. Some days, exercise makes me a better person by giving my brain enough serotonin to stimulate happiness. Other days I'm just a loose cannon, waiting to go off.

Any connection with anyone here would be extremely appreciated. I pray for all of you who cannot find happiness as a mother, and am thankful for this forum where we can be honest. Thank you for letting me share my story. And feel free to email me personally at morafinnerty@hotmail.com.

moralee
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 11/21/07 03:09 AM

Moralee, reading your post is like looking at myself 3 years ago.

I suffer from Depression and borderline Bi-Polar (or type 4 bi-polar). The main difference is that I don't go into the manic highs; instead swing back and forth between ok days and "bile-black" days. That's how I've always termed my lows - the days that I can barely get out of bed, can't face people, and break down into hysterics if asked to make a decision - even one as simple as "what's for dinner?"

Add to that a teenager with Asperger's, and it can be interesting in this house.

I will also note, that I had gastric bypass for weight loss - because one of my major coping mechanisms was binging.

Anyway, I wrote a guest article for the Depression site here:
Experiencing In-House Treatment for Depression

The whole story is there, but I basically had a breakdown, and was contemplating suicide at one point.

After my hospitalization, my church helped me with funds for putting my 2 yr old into daycare. I felt horribly guilty for not caring for him myself, but another part of me was extremely relieved; because I knew he was getting good care, and I could take the time to get myself back together.

We also did family counseling with my two oldest children, so they could understand a little of what was going on. (The 2 yr old was just not old enough to understand).

But if your daughter gets a happier and more "there" mommy from going to daycare (where she will have lots of little friends to play with) - then that is a good thing.

You can get through this, and so can your husband and daughter. It just takes time, understanding, and a willingness to work on it - whether that be with a counselor, psychiatrist, or in-house or out-patient (day-only) hospital treatment.

I would also like to highly recommend your checking into the group Emotions Anonymous. It is based on the same 12 step program as AA and NA, but it focuses on those people dealing with emotional issues such as Depression and Bi-polar. It is amazing how being with a group of people who completely understand what you are going through, helps.

Here is the link to find if there is a meeting near you:
Emotions Anonymous

I hope some of this helps.
Posted By: Donnarie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 11/21/07 06:50 PM

I read through this whole thread yesterday and haven't been able to get it out of my head. I am on the opposite end of the sprectrum in that I love being a mom. I have 5 kids and have homeschooled them their whole lives. I miscarried 3 children and it breaks my heart to this day not to still have them. My husband and I have often discussed adopting from China. Our children are our greatest joy. My heart breaks that you moms are unable to know and experience this with your own child. I don't say that with any sense of criticism, because I can tell your struggles are very real.

I am thankful for each of you who came forward and had the courage to share how you feel. I want to encourage each of you mothers not to just stop with sharing here. But, to keep seeking help. You both are saying things that raise a lot of red flags about your safety and the safety of your child. If counseling didn't work - find new counselors. If your doctors don't understand - keep talking to them until they do - or find a new one. Find support groups. But, don't sit at home with your children resenting them and hating your life. Please, get help!

Jenny T - you seem to waver back and forth between wanting your child and not wanting your child. It sounds like the reasons you don't want your child are partly depression (and it is VERY possible to still have postpartum depression after 2 years - the thoughts of killing yourself & your child are a huge indicator of that). But, it also sounds like you and your husband just really don't want to be parents.

Have you done all you can to further explore WHY that is? Talk to your doctors - your family doc; your OB; your child's pediatrician - and tell them how you feel. Maybe you act like you�re a happy mom around friends, but don't do that with your doctors. Tell them how you really feel. Ask for help.

Many new parents have unrealistic expectations of what their child is capable of. Depression can affect that, but also can lack of parenting skills or lack of nurturing skills. A 2yo is just beginning to explore the world and understand how it ticks. They are not trying to be disobedient, but are trying to test things out and see what happens. A 5yo is still learning about hygiene habits. Heck - I've seen adults leave public restrooms without washing their hands. It�s important that you talk regularly to your child�s pediatrician and understand the capabilities of your child for their age. And, also recognize that this capability can have a huge margin from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Like I said � I have 5 kids. They all potty trained at different ages. One learned when he was 2 and was totally trained within a week. Another didn�t even want to try until he was 4 but, he learned in a day. The other three took several years of trying and having accidents before they were fully trained. My first 2 kids were very calm and easy to take care of. My 3rd child screamed when he didn't get his way. My 4th child was our very high maintenance wild one and the most difficult to raise in his toddler and preschool years. My last child is more a mix of the first three. The point is � every child is unique and different, so you have to learn about your child�s personality and develop the parenting skills to cope and nurture her.

How? Take parenting skills classes; read books on parenting; join parenting groups. Learn as much as you can.

Jenny T - I hate to say it, because the thought of giving up on parenthood is so sad - but it you TRULY can't envison you and your husband enjoying raising your little girl - then I agree that adoption is a more selfless way to go � and probably healthier for your child. Many adoption agencies can help you find parents who would love her.

But, it is a permanent decision...so if you are feeling the way you do because of depression or because of not having a good support system in place to help you guys learn how to be new parents..then that should be further explored. Because there is hope and help for that. And, I'd hate to see you give up on your child when there is help for you.

The bottom line is your child's safety, health and happiness have to be the priority. It's dangerous to be alone with your child if you are having thoughts of death. If any of you moms are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your child or have already done things that have hurt them � you need to get help pronto. When you are facing such serious issues, it is dangerous to stay home all day alone with your child, feeling how you do. You need someone present with you or should put your child in a safe place like daycare or with friends until you can get those thoughts and urges under control. Whether it�s verbal or physical abuse - please don�t delay seeking help because you are embarrassed or worried you will be judged. Your child�s safety is paramount. Your safety is paramount. It's better to be honest and seek help than to stay quiet and do something you will regret forever.

If you really hate being a mom - please don't try to cope all alone. Talk to professionals and family and friends whose guidance you TRUST and build a support system around you and your child.

Please keep us updated.

Donna
Posted By: HomeAtLast

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 11/21/07 07:39 PM

Hey There, I know this is an old post, but I wanted to reply anyhow, because I experienced postpartum depression with the birth of my 2nd son. It took me a while to realize what I was dealing with, but did seek help when my husband insisted I did so. What a difference it made for me. I regret not seeking help sooner, as I feel I missed so much of the 1st year of his life. I have since had a daughter and was so scared I was going to go through the same thing. Fortunately, it did not happen again. I did however, read a great book, one that was given to me as a gift. Down Comes the Rain by Brooke Shields. Her story seems so similar to what you are saying. I think that every mom should read a book like this, whether it is that one or not, but to read someone else's personal experience can help you realize that you are NOT alone. There are others going through the same things. There is help. It will also help us to recognize what the symptoms are, so we are able to extend a helping hand, and help other moms who are going through what is a horrible black hole. P.P.D. makes you feel so alone and wrong. We know we aren't supposed to feel anything but love, and adoration for our little ones, and when we feel something different, we automatically feel isolated, and alone. That just perpetuates the cycle, and it becomes a downward spiral. There is hope and you can pull yourself out of it with medical help. If it is P.P.D., it is my experience, that all the counseling in the world will not help without medical intervention. Hope this helps at least one person!
Posted By: Angela P

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 11/21/07 07:46 PM

I just read through this whole post, too. As someone who is childfree-by-choice, I do indeed feel for these moms.

But I must plead with moms who find themselves being hateful to their kids: Please get help. Hearing about treating kids so horrible made me so incredibly sad. Verbal abuse can irreversibly affect them well into adulthood. Poor kids -- they didn't ask to come here, and they got a raw deal with no say in the matter by being born to parents who now don't want 'em.
Posted By: Maxwell

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 11/22/07 03:34 AM

I was sad to read your posts - I can't imagine being in your position.
I don't think everyone is cut out for parenting - we're all different. My mother loves kids and had 5 - watching my mother and aunts made me realize at an early age that I probably wouldn't have children.
It annoys me that people are placed under pressure by family, friends and society to reproduce.
It takes a brave parent to admit they've made a mistake but I think your honesty is so helpful - hopefully, it will make some people think long and hard before deciding to have a child.
Good luck to you - hope it all works out and you're soon in a happier place.
Posted By: sarahprincess

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 12/13/07 05:41 PM

I just wanted to share my story too --

I hate being a mom. My daughter is 3 and we have another on the way. I'm actually due any day now and the thought of doing it all over again is pretty unnerving.

I LOVE my daughter, I think she is the most fantastic person in the world. I also have always really loved kids, but I just hate my life as a mom. Like some of you have said, it's boring and pretty miserable. I got pregnant unexpectedly when I was 20 and didn't get any support towards having an abortion. I don't really know if I would change my decision. I love my daughter dearly. I resent both my husband and I for being so stupid though, and even now as we planned to get pregnant again so that our daughter would have a sibling, I feel like I've made the wrong decision for me ... but the right one for our family. It's hard to feel such conflicting emotions all the time.

I truly feel invisible as a mom, I feel unimportant as an individual. My husband has been extremely successful personally and I have just sat on the sidelines cleaning the house. I know there must be some kind of balance to this life, but I just can't seem to find it. I hate all the stereotypes of moms, I hate being a "mom". I hate feeling like all the people in my life encouraged and pressured me into having a family when I tried to get support from them, and told them I didn't want to. I wish I was a stronger person and would have made better decisions for MYSELF.
Posted By: elaineggc

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 12/18/07 04:38 PM

Hey Jenny,

Two things I want to say. First, you should defintely get checked for Post Pardum Depression - going on medication made a world of difference for me. My daugther is a toddler now and I am still taking Zoloft. It's not a miracle drug but it really has made a huge difference in my life.

Second, and this may not be very popular to say but depending on the age of your child, you should think about adoption - even open adoption.

When I was growing up, I knew plenty of kids who's mothers really didnt want to be moms. Back then, every woman felt like they had no choice but to have children. Those kids suffered as a result. Not everyone is meant to be a mother. One of my best friends is a childless woman in her forties who travels all over the world, has lots of hobbies and would be a [censored] mom.

Think about how your child is going to be effective by knowing (even subconsciously) that their parents made a mistake. I'm not judging you AT ALL! This society makes us feel like we should all want to be moms and that's just not the case. I waited until my late 30s to have my child.

You are in my thoughts

Elaine
Posted By: Angela P

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 12/18/07 05:38 PM

Sarah,

Thank you so much for your post. I second Deborah's sentiments in that it takes so much courage to relay that kind of honesty, as most mothers never would.

My advice? I don't know about post partum or meds that can be prescribed for it, so maybe the folks advising on it are onto something. Though I prefer to avoid meds at all cost and instead like to see what I can do to do some hard soul-searching and fact-facing (the equivalent of "putting on your big girl panties") in order to think about things in a more healthy, positive light, I don't know if I would have really needed meds for post partum myself. Perhaps I would have. Can't say.

In the meantime, just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Accentuate the positive. Since I'm childfree, I'm tend to focus on the positive aspects of it, which I don't need to list here. But of course, I, like many CF people, sometimes let my mind wander to "the other side of the fence," and wonder what my life would have been like with a little one or two. Since you were so honest about posting some of your true (less than stellar) feelings about being a mom, I'll confess to some thoughts I have at times I wish I knew what being a mom was like (and for more of these sentiments, visit the CF forum and look up the post on "My CF Confessions").

1. I will never have the experience of preparing a life inside me, rubbing my belly, nuturing the miracle God gave me until it's ready for the world.
2. It must be wonderful to be in the delivery room with your husband, preparing to see your son or daughter for the first time, holding hands and coming together in tears when he or she arrives.
3. To hold that little hand for the first time, look in your husband's eyes and reflect, "We made that..." must be a galactically beautiful feeling unmatched by anything we could ever experience.
4. Watching them grow and experience the world under your care must be really neat, too. I love teaching and watching little ones sponge up what I show them and what they see on their own.

Don't think of yourself as a "sidelined" adult; rather, know that you have one of the most important jobs anyone could ever hold: You're greatly responsible for shaping another human's heart, mind and life experiences. What you do, say and show them will affect them for life. You're needed in ways this world will never need me. You're loved in ways I'll never know.

I know I'm needed, loved and appreciated in different ways by different people -- trust me, it's a regular mantra for me.

Embrace your babies, love them and start to nurture yourself -- take time for yourself when you can, pamper yourself, journal on your babies' progress in this world and how you've affected them. Best of luck to you, Sarah, and God bless you and your precious family.
Posted By: bikermommy33

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 12/18/07 07:15 PM

HOw about adoption???? I mean I do foster care and I love it. Trust me if I could adopt them all I would.. Children are precious gifts and not everyone is blessed to have them. I don't know why you feel the way you do but seeking help is a good idea. In the mean time do what is best for your child.. There are loving people out there that would love to adopt and give your child the home and family that he/she deserves. Think long and hard about it. I am amother of 3 and love each and everyone of them plus i do daycare and like i said foster care also. No I don't claim to be perfect and never would, I just believe that all children deserve to be happy and be where they are loved and not made to feel like they were a mistake.
Posted By: bikermommy33

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 12/18/07 08:10 PM

this stry saddens me and angers me too.. there are so many messed up kids in this world and people wonder why!!!! It is because instead of the parents doing the right thing and doing what is best for the child/children they just continue to screw up their lives. I know that sounds harsh and I apologize for that but it is the truth. Adoption would be the best thing for that little girl. Let her have a goood life There are women in prison who didn' want their kids so they got rid of them. That isn't fair either. It isn't the kids fault so give them the life they deserve. Do your part as a parent and let them be free of the pain that you cause on a daily basis. I Have foster Kids in my home that I love dearly and I can't help but feel angry towards their parents that have treated them them so badly. One little girl I have is only 3 yrs old and would rather sit in a corner then to eat with us at the table. Why you ask because that is where she was made to sit all day everyday.. I hope that she is adopted someday by loving parents that will show her nothing but love, but unil that day My family shows her everyday that she is loved and noone will hurt her again. So that is why I can't help but be a bit anger it is because of PPle that are selfish and just plain ignorant.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/06/08 08:03 PM

Hi all, happy new year to you! I just dropped by and see all these posts and glad we all had a place to voice our opinion. Since I created the first post, so let me just clarify something. My daughter is not hurt or being miserable at all. She is being loved by us, by grandparents and all our families since she is the first grand child. She is growing up as happy as she can. I am doing better now because I accept myself as a mom. It is still not easy, because we have so many things we want to do and raising a child is very time consuming (not for ppl who enjoy doing it). We will not go for adoption at this point, not any more. We explored that option, it doesn't work for us. We will continue to be parents, and do our best.
BUT rest assure, my daughter is safe and healthy, and happy, and she is the smartest kid in the world!
Posted By: Azul

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/24/08 11:40 PM

Hi Jenny... I know I'm really, really late to this post, but I just came across this site. I had actually googled, "I hate being a mom" because I was so hoping there was someone else out there going through something similar.

Before we had our child, I had thought that I was ready to be a parent and that it was what I wanted. I had no idea how much I would mourn the loss of myself and my life. I had no idea that I would lose myself this much. It's been 19 months and I'm still reeling.

It's next to impossible for most women to be able to comprehend... to them, giving birth gave them life... gave them a sense of self and a connection to the world. To me, it was dying. All the parts that I liked about myself and my life are gone.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that there are others like you out there that feel they've made a huge mistake that they will have to live with and make the best out of for at least 16 to 17 more years.
Posted By: msbaby

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/26/08 06:51 PM

It sounds like to me that it's not an issue of whether or not you love your baby, but that you feel you're not getting your due out of life, am I right?

I agree with the OP's that this sounds like depression (not a professional and don't claim to be one) more than parenting issues. I'm not a big fan of better living through chemistry, but depression, post partum or otherwise, is nothing to toy with. Please do consult a professional that you trust.

There's no reason anyone should have to simply "make do" for approximately 1/4 of their entire lifespan just because they had a baby! Maybe if you bring other aspects of your life to the place that you feel happy and satisfied, you may come to find satisfaction from raising your child as well.







Posted By: patd

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/26/08 11:00 PM

Hi Jenny,

I just want to thank you for posting such an honest and deep message. I don't have children so i can't answer from that perspective but i am a therapist and would like to just add a couple of things. First, i agree with "msbaby" that it may be postpartum depression; here is a government site which might help you with information: BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
Posted By: SWK

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/06/08 11:47 PM

I'm so glad I stumbled onto this website. My husband and I are considering ivf, and I'm battling whether to go forward with it. I have no kids, but we have his daughter part-time. I give so much of my time to her but reap none of the "rewards" since I'm not a "real mom." I don't know what my motivations are for suddenly wanting to try to have a child--I never wanted one until a few years ago--and even now, I'm worried that I'll resent the loss of financial freedom that we've worked so hard to achieve. Jenny, your thoughts, as well as others who've posted, have pushed me to think even harder about this decision. Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts.
Posted By: LosingIt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/08/08 04:03 AM

SWK,
I also just stumbled onto this site when I googled "not enjoying being a mom." I just wanted to tell you that IVF is expensive and the outcome might not be what you want since you are not even sure if you want to have kids. We did it and now have twins. They are wonderful babies but ironically I'm googling "not enjoying being a mom." I was never sure that I wanted kids. But pressure from parents, my husband, my circle of people made me think I should have kids. And when I found out we couldn't "naturally" then it became a goal, something to achieve. I don't want to say I regret it cause it's so taboo but honestly, I hate being a mom. My life before was traveling on a whim, quiet nights at home, dinner out with friends, going to work and I loved it. Since having the twins I have not had one good night's rest. It's been 8 1/2 months. I'm slowly losing my mind. I hardly talk to anyone anymore. I play with the babies and pretend to enjoy it. When I finally have them down to sleep I go to the bathroom and cry. I can't talk to anyone that I know about it because they would think I'm crazy because I have what seems to be the perfect life. A multi million dollar home, Benzs in the garage, a caring, loving husband, twins - a boy and a girl, a nanny, housekeeper, I even have a perfect little part time job that pays well and is flexible. Honestly, I don't even know myself what's wrong with me. But I swear, as soon as I step into the house and hear the babies crying I just want to run away from all of it. I feel like I've aged 10 years. I can't go back so I grin and bear it and hope and pray that something will click someday soon when I can finally "see" or "feel" what these happy moms are talking about.

Thanks for this forum for letting me say what's been in my heart for so long! frown
Posted By: fattina300

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/08/08 07:37 PM

trust me I once felt like you but when they grow up you will feel like that alot less mine is only 8 and 5 but I felt just like you still do.
Posted By: Ms A

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/10/08 05:49 PM

The older they get, the more freedom you have. My son will be heading to college full-time in the fall, and I'm kind of mourning the loss already! He's a neat kid, fun, funny, interesting... but every child and family is different.

FWIW, I didn't go through IVF, but had fertility issues, and ds is a pergonal baby. I know some who went through IVF, and that is not a guarantee of a pregnancy or baby. One woman I know tried three times, and didn't conceive. Another conceived and lost the pregnancy -- later adopted a 16 mo Russian girl.

I would suggest you examine deeply if you want a child to have a child to love and raise, or a child because it is the "done thing." Children should be raised with love and joy, not just duty and obligation.
Posted By: ariel74

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/12/08 09:44 PM

I did the same thing as Azul - googled "hate being a mom". I know it's awful, but I really hate being a mom. I, too, thought I was prepared for motherhood. I was 18, living in Germany with my husband, and it just seemed like a good idea. Well, my daughter was colicky and cried at all hours. My husband would be gone for 30 or 60 days and I'd be crying my eyes out because the baby wouldn't stop crying and I had very little support. My daughter has always been a strong-willed, difficult child. I know that part of it is my fault, but I refuse to take 100% of the blame. At one point I sent her to live with her dad. (We split when she was five.) I had recently remarried, had a 9-month-old baby and two other children in the house and my daughter would scream all night, throw things, tear everything off the shelves and walls, and she even threw a pair of scissors at my husband. I'd tried taking her to a counselor. I'd tried medicating her. I couldn't handle her. She went to live with her dad and stayed with him for four years. She did really well for about two years, but then she started acting up for her dad and stepmom. Now she's a freshman, living with me again for about a year now, and I can't stand her. I hate being a mom. I hate that I have to try to cram in a 40-hour work week, 35 minutes commute, four kids at four different schools, etc. If I'm at work I'm stressing about the kids, if I'm at home I'm stressing about the kids AND about work. And right now I have more freedom with my 6-year-old than I do with my 14-year-old. I hate that everyone thinks women are just naturally mothering - I am most definitely not. I have little patience, I suck at disciplining consistently, and I'm the kind of person who really, really needs time to myself on a regular basis. I love my kids, even when I can't stand them, but I really don't love being a parent.

Shew, that felt good. I've kept it bottled up - there's not really anyone in my life I can confess this to... People were really judgmental when I sent my daughter to live with her dad.

Anyway, it's nice to vent and also to know that I'm not the only one out there who doesn't just love being a mom above all else in life!

Posted By: Maxwell

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/16/08 05:19 AM

I'm not a Mum....so, I hope you don't mind me mentioning...everyone is different.
I have a few mothers working with/for me. One of our para-legals started maternity leave in 2005 - the intention was to stay at home with her baby for 12-18 months.
After 4 months she called our PR person...she HAD to come back to work. It wasn't working for her - she felt bored, isolated and unhappy.
We suggested she try 2 days a week - it worked - she ended up being a happy para-legal and a happy Mum.
I suppose what I'm saying is...if the current "arrangement" isn't working for you - rather than stay unhappy - look for something that might make things better for you and your child - perhaps, utilize a play group a couple of mornings a week or ask a friend or relative to take your baby for a few hours.
It seems to me there is often pressure to be the "perfect Mum"...be quiet, don't complain - when Mum's finally ask for help it's usually a desperate last measure.
I can't see anything wrong with someone saying they're not happy and doing something about it...some women love being SAHM's - others need to work or need some other outlet...
I know our para-legal was criticized by her MIL & others but, sometimes you have to develop a thick skin and do what you think is right for you and your child...
Good luck everyone...


Posted By: Aurelia

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/20/08 01:36 AM

Hello! I also foung this place when I googled "I hate being a mother". I have a 5 year old daughter and I am divorced. I am not a native english speaker so I hope that you will excuse my mistakes.

What I will try to prove and I believe that it's valid for most women, is that most of the resentment I feel towards motherhood is not because of the child itself or its needs, although she is far from perfect and she can be tiring sometimes. What I find lousy and unbearable both when I was married and even more now that I am divorced is the way the society treats mothers. The role of the mother and the way of life that is imposed to the majority of women who wish to enjoy motherhood is devouring, irrational and inhuman. Back in the 19th century people were working like animals in the factories. You couldn't accuse a person for being lazy and self centered and not willing to follow Gods commandment because he felt that such work sucked. It would be a joke to present him a nice poster with "the happy dilligent worker" in order to inspire this poor lost soul. With motherhood it is the same thing. You can't say that an intelligent and sensitive woman, who feels that the role of the mother as it is formed by the modern society suffocates her very soul, has psychological problems or that she is too selfish and self centered.

Mothers usually get depressed not because they need "counceling" but because they need more support from loving people who pay attention to them, acknowledge their effords and share their everyday problems, their hopes and their dreams. Also mothers needs a person who is in love with them and finds them attractive and desirable. For married mothers this person cannot be the husband who comes back home from work exhausted, wanting a nice meal, a cozy place to rest his bones, and good sex and the last thing he needs is to spend his last bits of energy providing emotional support. Also, in a marriage with children the "in love" feeling faids away and in most cases the husband doesn't find the woman as attractive as he used to because he doesn't have to chase her anymore. She is already too dependand on him since she has his child already. Also, nobody finds attractive a tired woman, who has little time to take care of herself and she doesn't look sexy, who has to (go to work and) stay at home all day and night arranging the house, cooking etc with her pijamas instead of wearing sexy dresses and going out dancing and prefers to get a good night sleep instead of seducing. So what about friends? In the vast cities where most of us live it is almost impossible to have a circle of good old friends when you are in your 30s. Very few people stay in the place where they grew up and most of them decide to move to a new house when they are in their 30s. They have to be very lucky to end up living in a place where they can make good friendships with their neighbours. Even in that case, still they socialize as couples and not as seperate entities. After a while, the woman finds herself spending long days living like a robot, all alone, with not a living soul to share her thoughts and dreams. I've been there and I know it.


For unmarried mothers or divorced mothers (like me) things are even worse because they have to face the fact that they are considered more or less outcasts from the group of married people because married women see them, even subconciusly, as a potential threat to their marriage and married men, when they don't see them as the easy and vulnerable victim for an illegal affair, they see them as a bad example for their wives. Even if they are accepted and this happens only with dear old friends from school, they have to be extra careful about anythig they say concerning relationships, actually it is better not to talk at all, because they are considered as either evil and envious persons trying to ruin other people's marriages, or pathetic losers who got crashed from being single and parents so they ended up believing that keeping a marriage is everything in life. Most of the people in their 30s that I know are freshly married.

The relationships with the few unmarried friends that are left they are based on an unequal basis because the single/divorced mother has always to take into account the child and make her plans accordingly and ask the others (who cannot always understand) to fit their program to those needs or she has to overextent herself in order to be able to keep those friendships. Also, the unmarried/divorced mother is more often exhausted or depressed, she needs more support. When she brings the child along she is held responsible for the childs bad behaviour. At the same time she has less time and resources to offer to others. So, the unmarried/divorced mother has to feel grateful, and she has to act in a meek or even in a servile way in order to secure acceptance from her friends.

About feeling desirable or even better that someone is "in love with you" those are long forgotten concepts for unmarried/divorced women. I was reading a survey that showed that a child is the second most unwanted characteristic in a partner when the first is not having a job. You will all tell me nice stories about women who found "Prince Charming" although they had a child etc, but I will ask you how long did they have to suffer waiting all alone, crushing under responsibilities while being constantly rejected. In the case of a unmarried/divorced mother, being pretty is a curse because although you can see that you are very desirable soon after that you will experience rejection in the cruelest way. If you have a good job and money things are not getting better, because in that case men find the child as an excuse to belittle you and get their petty revenge on you for daring being more succesfull from them although you are a woman. There is also the other kind of men who think that "a second hand ferrari is better than a brand new fiat" (this is something I have really heard from people, friends and potential lovers). Those are men that you would have rejected if you didn't have a child or that you have already rejected in the past but now, they thing that they have a good chance with you because under your new circumstances, you can't afford being too selective. Even if you meet a guy who looks right you will soon find out that you don't have enough time and energy to give to a potential relationship, you find it difficult to lay aside cynicism and open up your heart, and if you manage to do this then you find it difficult not to appear needy after all those years of isolation and finally you are scared to death thinking that you will might end up devastated and unable to cope with your responsibilities. Also, you feel guilty that you have to exclude your child from a part of your life, you have to decide when is the right time for the child to meet the guy, you always afraid that it might not work and then the child will be traumatized and you feel guilty both towards the child and the guy when you see your child suffering from jealousy and treating the guy in a lousy way. I've been through all those situations and the only thing that worked for me is shallow relationships, which of course are not fulfilling but at least they don't endanger my well being and my family peace.

At the same time the ex, free from all responsibility since it is normal and totaly acceptable for men NOT to spend much time with their offsprings and leave them to their grandparents and NOT to try too hard to earn money when the mother has a good job, he can fully enjoy life WHILE enjoying having a daughter at the same time AND he can advise me about how good it would be for me and the child if I could find a nice and loving partner.

The weird thing that happens when you give birth to a child is that right from the beggining you are considered by default of being a bad and ingnorant mother and you have to struggle hard to prove the opossite to everybody (friends, familly, collegues, people on the street etc). If you are an unmarried/divorced mother, this phenomenon is even more intense.I have a 5 year old daughter who is healthy, intelligent and happy and I haven't heard once in my life a good word for all the work that I do, especially from my mother or any other older woman. The only things that I hear is people critisizing everything that I do sometimes openly, other times in the form of "advise". You have to answer and explain everything like a criminal like why you chose that day care and not the other, why you answered the mobile phone while she was talking to you, why did you buy her those clothes and not the others, your way of teaching her things (numbers, letters) is not the most efficient, why did you take her with you to a cafe/restaurant with your friends, why do you run and chase eatchother in the house like you were a baby too etc. The worst thing about those "advises" is that most of the times they are contradictory like "why didn't you let her cry? You are unable to teach a child discipline" and next moment "what kind of mother you are to let your daughter cry because you don't let her watch that dvd for a 4th time in a row" etc. Even my ex who spends very little time with her (she spends most of his visiting days with her grandparents) is always ready to critisize.My daughter acts like a crazy brat when we spend time with other people because she knows that since I need them or they can make me feel guilty, I don't count when they are around. I have tried to explain that to my daughter and I hope that she understood that we are a team and we shouldn't let those other well-wishers spoil our relationship.




Posted By: squidpup

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/20/08 09:44 PM

My daughters are 5 & 2. Like others here, I never really wanted kids, but everyone told me how wonderful it would be. After years of pressure from family and friends, I decided I was being silly and immature. Nope. It sucks every bit as much as I thought it would. My house is a mess, my appearance is a mess, and all I do is jump from one 'crisis' to the next. I gave up 80k a year in income to deal with a 15 minute temper tantrum because I put the peanut butter on the wrong slice of bread? Yeah, right.

I love my kids, I just wish someone else would take care of them. I'm tired of never getting anything done. Taxes? Can't do 'em while the kids are awake, because my 'helpers' scribble on the paperwork with crayons. Can't do 'em while they're asleep because I'm exhausted. While I'm cleaning up the kitchen the kids are drawing on the dining room walls (it was blue magic marker and they were 'decorating' for valentine's). If I try to take a shower, the older child gets herself stuck between her bookcase and the wall while her little sister is climbing into the shower with my and screaming because I'm not sharing the water. I don't even get to use the toilet in peace. Every ridiculously simple task becomes a task that even the old greek gods couldn't top. Just in case you're asking how I'm managing to do this post, the 2 year old is upstairs screaming because she wants me to get her the third outfit for the day. I'm not doing it. The 5 year old is smearing a dirty dish sponge over horizontal surfaces, creating a horrendous mess in the name of 'helping me clean'.

People have suggested that they are just clamoring for attention when they do this. Of course! But I can't perform every minute of the day, there are some things that just have to be done. I'm not trying to have a massage or talk to my personal shopper in Milan, I'm trying to wash my hair or cook dinner.

Post-partum depression? Sure, I believe it exists. I also believe some people just don't enjoy parenthood enough to make it worthwhile. Society as a whole suffers, so society has got to stop shoving garbage down our throat about the joys of raising children. Frankly, I feel so trapped that I don't know what to do.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/26/08 02:36 AM

What you said is exactly how I feel, squidpup. But sadly, to me, venting really doesn't help me much anymore. I did feel much better after I know I am not the only one that does not enjoy the job of a mother.

But I trying very hard to find ways to still live a "close to happy" life, as a mom. I guess this is a different kind of survival skills! LOL. I decided to never ever quit my full time job, I will need to keep making more money so I can afford hiring baby sitter for a Friday night dinner, or noce in a while, a weekend getaway. Also try to make my life interesting with a kid, I know I won't enjoy it 100%, but keep thinking of the positives. For example, write a journal and put down things my daugther said that is cute and loving. Take pictures of her silly faces. Then when things turn the other way, just keep thinking she is growing up, 2 years from now, or 5 years from now, things will be different.

This probably sounds like a joke, but hey, I really have to do all these to keep myself sane and give a healthy life to my daughter. I can't keep blaming myself...coz that'll drive me crazy, and my daughter will feel that I don't love her..

want to hear of your ideas...utimately, no matter what we do, the simple goal is to be happy..
Posted By: dini

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/26/08 03:59 PM

In response to Squidpup, I understand how you feel but one thing I don't understand is why you went on to have another child if you felt this way? Surely after you had had your first child you would have known that motherhood was not for you and do some damage limitation by not having any more children?
Posted By: Heather - Chinese Culture

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/26/08 04:12 PM

It is hard for me to imagine anyone having kids simply because someone else says it's a good idea. To me, that shows a major lack of common sense.
Posted By: SWK

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/02/08 04:26 PM

I think it's more the fear that if you don't have kids, you'll regret it in the future. All of my friends who do have kids are telling me, "You need to do this! You'd be such a good parent! Everyone needs family, especially when they're older! You'll regret it if you don't!" I know that it's such a huge responsibility, and I don't want to rush into it; I'm one who weighs every single aspect of a decision before committing to it. However, I haven't got much flexibility, time-wise, left. That's the pressure.
Posted By: Angela P

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/20/08 12:03 AM

Originally Posted By: SWK
"All of my friends who do have kids are telling me, 'You need to do this! You'd be such a good parent! Everyone needs family, especially when they're older! You'll regret it if you don't!'"

SWK, those sentiments your friends are "sharing" with you are called "bingos." If you haven't ever ventured over to the Relationships/Married No Kids forum, you might want to take a gander. We who are child-free constantly get bingoed, but we've learned, and with much thanks to that forum, how to deal with it.

I will turn 37 in June, and I started having mixed feelings about kids with the whole "time is running out for me to make a decision" clock ticking when I was about 30. Prior to 30, I always thought I wanted kids (one of the reasons was because I just thought that's what everyone does), but then I had a blessed experience from God to take on the role of a step-mother. I really enjoyed it, but I got a great heapin' helping of how much being a good mom takes away in time, money, energy, spontinaety, and much more. I divorced when I was 35, and I must say one of the things I enjoyed most was getting my life back...the peace, the freedom and the wholeness of me. I finally decided last year to remain child-free, with the biggest reason being that I was ever, and remain, unsure about having them. It simply wouldn't be fair to them. This is why I think the worst bingo I get is that I'm "selfish." Simply untrue. Rather, I've made a well-thought-out decision that required me to think way beyond myself.

I truly feel for the moms who are having a hard time with child-rearing, the bad days, regrets and family life. I think the suggestions herein are very good. Remember on days when you feel like nothing, you're everything to someone, namely your little ones. Best wishes to you, and I hope, as some women have said, that it gets easier and more enjoyable with time.
Posted By: Claybird

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/20/08 02:49 PM

((squidpup))
Been there, done that! Not all of us were born to be great moms, including me, but we CAN learn some ways to cope. It sounds like your girls are out of control and you don't know what to do about it, sort of like some of the harried families on that Nanny-to-the-Rescue show on TV. Are there any helpful things you can turn to? A parenting class at the local Y? Any way to get the kids out of the house and doing positive activities once in a while? Some good excuse for you to get out of the house and do something non-child related regularly? You NEED to break the pattern that is driving you crazy, both for your own sake and the girls'. Do they have enough physical activity, even just taking them outdoors to run around? Its better for them to be discharging that energy outside where it isn't so loud and destructive to the house and to your psyche. Do they like being read to? That can be a pleasant and quieting experience for you all. And learn to ignore the mess, all you can handle right now is keeping yourself and the girls healthy.
I had 5 kids in 6 years, so I remember the noise and mess all too well, and know that being told that you have no common sense is absolutely no help at all! The light at the end of the tunnel is this: they DO grow up,(that 5 year old will be in school soon!) and your "real" life WILL resume, and some day they will come to you as mine did to me and say, "Mom, I don't know how you did it!"
Meanwhile, take a deep breath and consider yourself hugged!
Posted By: Shannon L. Wolf

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/20/08 04:14 PM

Hi Squidpup,
Well, I'm not a specialist in child rearing, but I am a mom and a certified life coach for what it is worth. I will share with you what I see happening.

What I see is a mother who doesn't really like her position as a parent and two little children who know it. They are desperate for attention even if it is negative attention, which it appears that they have become accustomed to getting. But they are still very much young enough for you to turn things around, for yourself and for them.

Your babies are looking to you for the rules. So far "Get away from me, I'm busy, I just can't perform for you right now" is what the rules are. But children need gentle eye contact and one on one attention. They need to feel validated as little human beings who are struggling to develop a place in the world. If you see parenting as a "performance" then you are not in the right place emotionally or mentally. When you decided to have children, no matter what the reason, this is what you signed up for. The rule maker and spiritual guide. It appears that you are fighting feeling enjoyment with your kids.

What you need to do is make a mind change adjustment, and fast. Priorities change when you have children. There can be time made for yourself and for things you have to do like cooking dinner and washing your hair but you have to arrange it.

What you need to do is simple. Get out of your head and take ten deep breaths. You are wound up so tight even I can feel it - imagine what your kids feel. Feel that your children need you to see them. I mean truly see them as little people. Take yourself back to when you were little and how the world seemed to you. How your mother seemed to you. Now you need to be the mother who gives. You are the grown-up and need to get comfortable in your role. Take the idea that what ever is going on in your head that holds the grandest importance, and dump it. Get out the coloring books and crayons or the Chutes and Ladders and smile in your heart. Announce to the kids that mommy and they are going to play together. Be present. Praise them for good behavior and accomplishments. Notice what they love. Favorite colors, animals and people. These are your children. Get to know them!

Here's the bottom line. If you don't shape up and pay attention, your kids will remain acting out as they are for love, affection, validation and attention for the rest of their lives. Yes, you have that much power. Welcome to the grown-up world of parenting!

If your babies feel validated, they will be contented to allow you to get the work done, like taxes and cooking when you need to. Teach them to take care of each other, as well. Teach them to play together and respect one one another so that they will be happy to keep each other company while you are busy. Having children doesn't mean you have to come last, either. If you need to have a hot bath or to read a book, there is absolutely room for that as well. You just can't come first anymore. And your attitude that mothering stinks can't come first, either. Them's the brakes.

Now the rules have changed from "Get away from me, I'm busy," to "You are an awesome person, I love you, but right now I have to do some grown-up things. When I am finished I will read you a story." Big difference, huh?

You didn't mention a husband. If there is one, you have both got to get cracking on the same page journey.

A parenting class is a great idea. You would be surprised what you can learn from watching shows like Super Nanny. Your days of muddled thinking have come to a close and you need to take action.

Shay
Posted By: Angela P

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/20/08 07:40 PM

Originally Posted By: Shay
"You would be surprised what you can learn from watching shows like Super Nanny."

I LOVE that show, and I'm neither a mom nor a TV watcher!
Posted By: Mindy -

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/23/08 11:56 PM

Can I just say, that even those who say they try to "act" like they are enjoying it or geniuenly love their kids - the kid can tell. I certainly did. In fact this made me challenge my parents more. They had one child and through pressure from family they had me. Unfortunately I was a bit more challenging child (collic and adhd) so they spent the first few years of my life pretending that they enjoyed it and truly loved me - but I always remember feeling the void. Eventually it blossomed into full blown RAD on my part (Reactive Attachment Disorder) *I was diagnosed with this now - it didn't exist back then and I don't still suffer from the affects* Keeping I child you don't connect with/enjoy/love can have very damaging affects - trust me the child can tell.
Posted By: Robin Crime Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/24/08 12:01 AM

Suidpup,

I do not know you and probably we will never meet, but if you can afford a personal shopper in Milan - could you afford a live in nanny? If not - consider taking in a college student as a boarder - free room and board in exchange for being a child rearer.

Get out there and make that $80k back and hire a live in. Perhaps that will give you the time to be you to enjoy your children.
Posted By: lngilbert

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/24/08 12:08 AM

Robin - I don't think she really has a personal shopper - I think she was trying to say that she DOESN'T do extravagant things, she has just a normal life. But I could be wrong.
Posted By: Shannon L. Wolf

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/24/08 07:23 PM

This is so true, Mindy. My mother always faked it when other people were around, but I knew that she wasn't capable of love and I suffered for it, too. If a parent knows that they don't love their children they need to get some kind of help. The world doesn't need any more damaged human beings!
Posted By: jhmd

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/07/08 01:51 PM

Holy crow. This thread is scary. I am 33 and have been married for almost 4 years. My hubby and I are 99% sure we want to be Child Free by choice but sometimes I wonder "What if....". I think this thread has pushed me to the 100% mark. I'm glad I took a peek at this thread. It was like a glimpse into the future that we are pretty sure we do not want...and I see that not all women are cut out for kids full-time as a parent. I fall into that category. I am always curious about women who "cave-in" so to speak, to the pressure to become a mommy when their heart is not fully into it and how many women regret it. Many women will never admit that they regret it or if they could go back in time, would reverse their decisions. It is hard to have women be so honest and I appreciate the honesty in helping me make my own decision. Wow!
Posted By: jmcbride

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 06:16 AM

Hi Jennyt - you are not alone. I think that many, many women experience these very same feelings, but most are too ashamed to talk about it. So first, I commend youo n your bravery for expressing your feelings. It's good to open up discussions on this issue.

I can assure you that this feeling will pass. The early times are so very hard for so many resons. I too had similar feelings. PPD? maybe. But what really got me was I gave up so much to have this little being, and I got NOTHING in return. I know this sounds selfish, but anyone who has experienced having to change their lives alomost entirely will understand.

Now, my daughter is 1.5 years old, and I am loving it! It is so different once you see their little personalities start to form.

Hang in ther; this will pass. (hugs)

Posted By: Skeeter

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 07:35 AM

Originally Posted By: jmcbride
Now, my daughter is 1.5 years old, and I am loving it! It is so different once you see their little personalities start to form.

Hang in ther; this will pass. (hugs)



You hope. It doesn't always simply "pass". Some people are just not cut out to being parents. It's not that anything is wrong with them. They are just true CF people that made the wrong decision.
Posted By: SNC_Editor_Pam

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 08:48 AM

Hi Jenny,

I just wanted to tell you something I was told in prenatal classes that I thought was rather odd at the time: If you think of your lifespan as a pie, the slice of pie that will be you as a parent of a dependent child will be very small.

Also, in Mommy and Me classes I remember being told: Your baby is not 'out to get you.'

In some book somewhere I read something like ~ actions lead to feelings, so if you do not feel all the love for your child that you think you should, act as though you enjoy every moment with that child. Feelings follow action.

When my daughter was born, I was surprised at how my place in the world changed. At parties where in earlier days I would talk about whatever topic was at hand with people who saw me as a peer, I became A Baby's Mom ~ with no identity, education, experience or interests before the birth of my child, and only my baby as my interest and identity afterward.

I enrolled in Mommy and Me classes and met a variety of women, some who had their own business, others who were on a serious career path, travelers and athletes, musicians and students. Every so often, I suspect, each one would have identified with you enough to respond to your subject line: Need Support. I Hate Being A Mom.

It sounds like you are the one doing the defining - you may not be the unique and extraordinary mom that you were meant to be, just because you run out of time to reinvent yourself.

It is harder now, with so little time left in a week for us to have personal time, date time, and other vacations from your 'mom' identity. It would be so much better for families, and every individual in a family unit, if we had a month or six weeks of vacation every year, and our weekends were not so filled with what we did not have time to do during the week.

I'm glad that you have found ways to make your time as the mother of a very young child more satisfying and happy. It does make a difference to write down the wonderful things that happen, and to keep in mind what we are thankful for rather than what we might be missing out on.

Some winters when I watch the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" I am shocked at the attitude of the main character, George Bailey. But it would not be as popular a movie as it is if audiences did not see themselves in him. This was a movie that was popular when our parents and grandparents were raising children. That feeling of missed opportunities is not something we invented.

And in those days, it was not uncommon for mothers to leave their children with their grandmothers, aunts or others for a weekend, a vacation, and while at school or work.

I wish that every mom who felt as you did when you wrote your original post would find a way to reach out for comfort and support from other women who understand how complicated we can be, whether we feel fortunate every day to have our children in our lives or we have a desperate certainty that we have made a mistake in changing our identities and responsibilities so dramatically by becoming mothers.

When my daughter was small and our parent ed instructor told us our babies were not 'out to get us,' I laughed. But many times since then I have remembered that and been reassured. My daughter's age-appropriate, developmentally perfect, attitudes and behaviors were something no one warned me about. Although my mother did sometimes say she hoped I would have a daughter just like me someday. At the time, I thought that was a lovely sentiment, not a terrible threat hanging over my head.

Children grow up and fly away from your nest. Enjoy your young life and theirs during the years they anchor your hearts and hands, and make plans so that you are moving toward the goals you feel would give you the greatest happiness and security. Don't forget your romance! You are showing your daughter how she can be happy when she grows up, and you want her to really work at it to keep up with the parents.

Pam W
SE of Seattle


Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Hi I just wanted to know if there are others who are like me so I don't feel alone here. Ever since I have my baby, I just felt so regreted of that decision. I love her as a person, but I hate being her mom. I felt like I missed out my life, my freedom. My life was perfect without her. My hubby and I were madly in love and we travel a lot. We still wanted to do so much adventure together, but now we are trapped in this parenting world. Anyway I know I have no way out but try to be a good mom. But talking to someone who understand would really help.

p.s., we've gone through some conceling but doesn't help. Because basically we just made a big mistake..


Originally Posted By: Jennyt
I think I'm doing better and better now. Actually both me and my husband spend as much time as possible with our daugther, we sing, we tell stories, we laugh. We started to enjoy her a lot more, maybe because she is not yet the terrible 2. But we used to talk a lot, about investment, about our own business, about everything in life. But now we spend all the time with a baby, and by the time she goes to sleep, I am already very tired. So you are right, I need to come up with a plan to make sure we still have "us" time. I keep telling myself, I'm already a very lucky person, I should just enjoy what I have and appreciate them...

Posted By: Eng Culture Nicola Jane

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 02:31 PM

one thing i learned when i went through some years of wishing I had waited was the time goes so fast. Almost in the blink of an eye they are grown up and I missed it. Now I enjoy every moment because once it is gone it will never come back. They enjoy that too! So very much. It makes them what they will be. Well done you! I also now get to enjoy my own company, and have adult conversation with my two eldest children.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 03:06 PM

You are very correct Pam, it is funny and "scary" to say I have changed. The love has grown, to be honest, I am not pretending now, I DO enjoy her most of the time.

I think it is really important that mother and daughter needs to be "compatible" in order for the mother to enjoy this process. I truly feel I am lucky that my daughter has grown to be such a fun little girl, who I can already tell she has the personality of understanding, loving and not being stuborn. All of these are the traits that I appreciate and pray for. and She has it all. So I can't help to love her more and more everyday. She is part of my life now, although sometimes I do want to be with my hubby for a while just to be "me".

About lost identity, I do not see that as a big issue in my social life. I do not talk about baby all the time. I talked about traveling, food, investment, everything I am interested in.

Before, when I heard a couple does not have kids, I envy. But now, I thought to myself, I am lucky to have a girl, and I smile when I have this thought.

I understand for those who are child free and saw my post and got scared. To be honest with you, if this post push you to be child free, that's just fate. that means, you are not meant to have kids in your life by destiny. But I have a little girl now, and that is my fate as well, it is hard work, but I feel the joy and love which is also very rewarding. So enjoy your life, child free, or mothers! That is the point of my post, just voice our feeling, and respect each other, and just enjoy life.
Posted By: Eng Culture Nicola Jane

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 03:11 PM

well said Jenny T you are a brave woman. May you treasure your childs years. All of you.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 03:31 PM

Thanks Nicola!

It has been over 2 years since I posted the first message. This is like a blog for myself. I can still see the "me" 2 years ago, the desperate and sad woman, who just wanted to give the child away to escape from the burden.

Ever since my daugther started talking and can communicate with me, I changed immediately. Because I can be the mom I wanted to be before I have a child. I wanted to express my feelings to her, I want to hear she said "I love you." all of those are the joy of being a mom. So time can really change everything.

I will continue to post, if possible, just so you can see how a "scared" mom will survive and grow with her child.
Posted By: Shannon L. Wolf

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 04:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Ever since my daugther started talking and can communicate with me, I changed immediately. Because I can be the mom I wanted to be before I have a child. I wanted to express my feelings to her, I want to hear she said "I love you." all of those are the joy of being a mom. So time can really change everything.


Hi Jenny,
So glad to know that you are doing better now! Just in case you happen to have another child, or for anyone struggling with their infant, many parents are now using sign language with their babies. My brother and his wife used it with their three children, and I have never seen such happy babies! They get to communicate without throwing screaming fits, and the parents get to know what the baby is thinking and feeling. So much frustration is eliminated by giving your baby a means to communicate before they are able to speak!

Good luck and keep us informed!
Shay
Posted By: Shannon L. Wolf

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 04:13 PM

Oh, yeah - there is also a DVD that you can buy called "Dunston Baby Language" that teaches parents what different sounding cries mean, so that you can attend to your infant as you understand their "language."
Posted By: SNC_Editor_Pam

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/08 08:53 PM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
About lost identity, I do not see that as a big issue in my social life. I do not talk about baby all the time. I talked about traveling, food, investment, everything I am interested in.


Oh, yes, I also spoke about everything I was interested in before I had a child ~ but the other people I spoke to while holding my baby, before they had a child, did not recognize me as a person who had other interests. They would make a big effort for a minute or two, and then stop talking to me. I think this is something that happened to people of color in groups that had never met a person of color before ~ being somewhat isolated due to others recognizing us as Way Too Different.

When my second baby was born with Down syndrome, I found the same thing happened in groups of mothers who had never known a baby with DS or his mother before - some did not know how to communicate with a mom whose baby was out of their comfort zone. It could have been devastatingly isolating except that a few moms who I met with my first child hung in there until they saw my son as a baby first instead of the diagnosis. It was such a relief to be able to complain to them about simple new baby stuff like sleepless nights and runny noses, the difficulty finding cute boy baby clothes, and how my daughter was adjusting to sharing the spotlight. It was also fun to share stories about first smiles, darling toes, and waking baby hairstyles. At our early intervention center, it seemed all we talked about was the diagnosis and the next developmental milestone to set as a goal.

Originally Posted By: Jennyt

It has been over 2 years since I posted the first message. This is like a blog for myself. I can still see the "me" 2 years ago, the desperate and sad woman, who just wanted to give the child away to escape from the burden.


I was fortunate that I met women who felt that same way, when my daughter was born, so I knew when meeting moms whose newborns were diagnosed with Down syndrome might feel that way even without the diagnosis.

I wrote an article, "Thoughts from the Middle of the Night" that described my feelings when my son was a baby, written when he was in kindergarten, and through that met many people who shared their feelings with me about their children with Down syndrome as well as their mainstream sons and daughters as babies. It is such an honor to be told other people's stories.

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
I think it is really important that mother and daughter needs to be "compatible" in order for the mother to enjoy this process. I truly feel I am lucky that my daughter has grown to be such a fun little girl, who I can already tell she has the personality of understanding, loving and not being stuborn. All of these are the traits that I appreciate and pray for. and She has it all. So I can't help to love her more and more everyday.


I have felt that way with both my daughter and son, so fortunate that we are compatible *and* that they are such wonderful human beings, the best parts of me in them and everything else you would want in a daughter or son.

Except that when we have had conflicts, it is sometimes due to the parts of us that are just alike - sometimes I see things in them I would like to change in myself, or I don't see that we are in conflict because we are attacking an issue the very same way. For easy going people, it sure is hard for any of us to back down.

When I called my folks to get sympathy when she was a teenager, my dad said, "Maybe in 30 years she will call to apologize." My reaction was "THIRTY YEARS?!?" and then, I remembered disagreeing with my parents at that age, and almost said, "But I was entirely justified, you were unreasonable and..." ~ but of course that was what was putting me at my wit's end with my daughter.

So I just said, "Oh. Sorry, if I caused you this pain and suffering." My mom and dad were laughing uncontrollably; my dad said, "If?" and laughed harder. Fortunately I had just read an article that said teenagers' brains are bathed in chemicals and hormones that make them unable to function like an adult brain, so we just have to wait it out.

And in thirty years, who knows? Maybe she will have a daughter and call me about their conflicts. Although I'm sure her first reaction will be, "But I was entirely justified - you were unreasonable."

When my daughter was about 8 years old, she came home from school and explained that we did not have to argue any more, she had learned the difference between 'fact' and 'opinion' and realized that what I said was only my opinion, not a fact I would force her to believe. Our relationship had a beautiful, easy year after that, even though many things she felt were my opinions were actually facts.

I have often thought that confrontations between my daughter and me, or my son and me, are more ... not enjoyable, not satisfying, but somehow more worthwhile ... than getting along with any other individual. Not that I enjoy disagreements, but my children are worth the effort I put in to disagreeing with them, and I learn more about who they are and how they think while we are exchanging disagreeable opinions. Plus the 98% of the time we are in harmony is such a pleasure that I can't describe it.

I have enjoyed reading your journey from that first post to these recent ones, and I am glad you posted them here at the Bellaonline Moms forum where other mothers can find them.

Also because you might not have remembered so clearly the feelings you had when your daughter was a baby, it's good that we can all be reminded by others who are just finding that first message and can reveal those feelings to us.

I wish I were better at expressing myself in fewer words, but talking with friends I met in Mommy and Me classes and moms I've met online has not only comforted me in troubled times, but lifted me far above my own expectations of myself as a mother and as a human being.

Having my first child was a real eye opener. I had always done well in school, and loved UC Berkeley because the academic life was so engaging, so challenging. I was successful in every job I had and several times was promoted before my probationary period was completed.

I thought being a mom would be something else I was good at from the start, and that I would be able to prepare in advance and learn quickly so I could be pretty nearly perfect at it. So far, I learned to be very happy on days I felt barely adequate, and I was so glad we got to start over fresh every morning. Those early months and years teach us more about ourselves than we learn about our children.

I know it is even more difficult for moms with postpartum depression, more than I can imagine. So many women suffer and can't believe that help is available, or even that they deserve help, and that they can come out on the other side, being the moms they hoped they would be. Not perfect, but wonderful.

It's good of you to share your journey with us. You are a gem.

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Thoughts from the Middle of the Night
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Posted By: YSL

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/15/08 10:35 PM

Hi Jennyt,I just want to suggest to read a book from Eckhart Tolle"A New Earth" it had change my life.You can also visit Oprah web-side they have a web forum online about this book with the author. the best for you and you family.

Yaremis.

I have 2 kids, my boy is 21 month, and the girl is 71/2 years old.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/17/08 08:20 PM

Thanks Yaremis. I will check it out. I am now learning to manage mood swings and minor depression from time to time. For example, when I want to go traveling again..:) I go to gym and find time for myself. Luckily my hubby and I are working very well as a team. We support each other and he is always there when I need him. What more can I ask for. All the best to you all!
Posted By: KimL

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/03/08 04:42 PM

Jenny,

I can relate to your original post. My situation is somewhat different. I already had one child and did not want any more. When I got pregnant with my second, ten years later, I was not happy.

I hated being pregnant, and I was not looking forward to raising another child. I loved my oldest and was content with just her.

It's nine years later (my baby just turned nine) and I feel so blessed and greatful I had her. She makes me smile so much and brings so much joy (I am tearing up as I write this) to my heart. She is so affectionate and loving, too!

When she gets off the school bus each day and RUNS toward me, I feel like the most loved person in the world. Her unconditional love for me which I did not have to do anything to earn was my greatest gift from her.

My message to you and other moms is, look for the little joys this child brings in your heart, and what this child is here to teach you about yourself!

P.S. I just read your last post and I am so delighted to hear your journey has had a positive turn for you and your daughter!

Kim
Posted By: midjet117

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/04/08 05:11 AM

ok. theres no appiphany when you become a mom, you discovered the secret. Im a mom of 3 yr old twins and lemme tell you it was a big adjustment. My babies cried alot, mostly from gas bubbles in their tummy, they wanted to be held alot, sometimes still do, and yes they were totally dependant> I remembered wondering where the hell am I going to find time for myself. It does but it doesnt get any easier. As one stage ends another takes its place, you learn to adjust, and you will, it just takes time.
Posted By: unhappy mom

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/08/08 03:17 AM

I agree so much with the original thread starter. I am balling as I read through all these comments because it hits so close to home. I absolutely hate being a mom. I always thought it would grow on me and I would enjoy it but it only has gotten worse. I never wanted children but it happened, and I had my first. I loved, loved, loved being pregnant. I had awesome pregnancies (yes multiple) but when they hit 18 months, I am done. I thought with having more, I would change...that was wrong. I have three and had my husband get fixed because I knew that this was not a temporary feeling. I have felt all the same things that Jenny has felt and I feel guilty, but that is me. I dream of running away and leaving my family but I am scared to do that. I plan on my escape every day: where I would go, how I would leave, cover all my traces, I know I would leave the US. My children are a hinderence and I regret every minute of them. I used to travel all the time, have freedom, money, and an identity....now all I have is well NOTHING. I go from "babysitting" employees all day to coming home to this [censored]. It sucks. I have no time for myself. the boys fight NON STOP. I don't want to do this anymore. I too, have thought the unthinkable like suicide eventhough it is the the selfish thing to do. But what else is there. I really do want to run away. I envy those who can. I am so jealous or disgusted with those moms who enjoy just that. I play the lottery for about a dollar a week when I remember so I can win and hire a nanny for the kids so I can leave. This is not what I signed up for. I hate every minute of this. I think I am verbally abusive to the kids, actually I know I am. When I am at my witts end because no one can seem to get a long for two minutes, I tell them that I never wanted children, etc. I usually tell the passerbys that I should have stopped at zero. I feel like I have to put on such a front in front of family to come across as the perfect mom and I receive tons of compliments, and I just think to myself...what a joke. My life sucks, I hate this more than anything. I am relieved to hear that I am not the only one and that I am not a lone, becuase this is hard to admit because so many feel that they need to judge. My thoughts are so scrambled. I constantly search airfares around the world and think about where I am going to go so that I will not be found. I don't want to go on meds, but what can I do.....I HATE MY LIFE, I do not want to do this anymore.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/08/08 08:08 PM

I truly hope you will feel better. What make me feel less regret and guilty of making this "wrong" decision is to believe everything happen for a reason. The children are meant to be born, and luckily or unfortunately, hehe, we're picked to be the mothers. So it is out of our control!! You may think I am joking or being crazy, but this is what I believe, so I feel less guilty and regreted. So I can focus on living the precence and how to make it better. It has happened, unless you really have the guts to leave your family and vanish forever, I think the only thing we can do is try to improve the situation...do you agree?

I thought about adoption before, have you thought about that? I am not saying this is what I suggest, I am just trying to let you know maybe this is an option? However, keep the children needs stregnth and patience, but placing them is not easy as well. If this is not an option, then could you find a baby sitter once in a while to get away, for just a day or two? Or find a gym, and put them in the child care center and work out and pamper yourself? ....just suggestions..

Hope all mothers have a wonderful mother's day weekend!
Posted By: calligrapher

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/18/08 04:36 PM

What I hear in many of these posts is women that were lied to for years in the form of you are ENTITLED to have it all, and have no one in your way to stop you. When a child comes into the picture with that kind of programing your natural programmed response is selfish, because you have been taught to believe you are entitled to every little spoiled thing you want. There is a great mark of our society!
IT's a set up, and no child should have to endure that. Maybe if our society stopped thinking they were so darned entitled to things like constant social engagement, fast cars, constant sexual gratification, free food, free health insurance, someone else to pay for their existence... It's really the same foul attitude from the upper class to those that sit on porche and refuse to work, same selfishness.

To have gone through life giving of ourselves in some fashion and form, rather than always catering to our own selfishness-is this not what we need to pass on to the next generation. We can pursue 'having it all' but the pursuit alone will tax us incredibly. Your legacy is not your career and some home movies of travel to Nepal. who will care in 100 years? It's people that found cures for disease, stood up for civil rights, and overall change the world. You guys are raising those people. If they come out warped because you are whining about not climbing Everest with your lover, then you have saddled society with yet another warped individual.
It's just a season, it doesn't last all that long. NOBODY likes snotty noses and diaper rash, but it doesn't last. Trust me. It's gone in a flash. NObody kicks in the magic gene upon childbirth and just LOVES it when their child gets the runs and throws up. That is a fallacy as well. Why do so many people buy into this nonsense?
I had my first when I was nearly 19, and I did it alone. Didn't marry the daddy and carried on myself. It was hard and it sucked for a while. Tomorrow she is 18. This year she did dual enrollment at community college while in high school, she is headed into management before she reaches corporate age for it. We struggled through illness, child molestation, snotty noses, bad friends, bad grades and good ones, and you name it!
I am a better person for the journey. You dont' have time to be selfish, and to have someone rely on you is a priviledge not a burden.
Roll up your sleeves and get over yourself. You can travel with child, expose them to cultures and make them well rounded members of society. Teach them many cultures, languages and how to be a decent human. Show them your skills, hobbies and interests and help them pursue their own. Do something worthwhile, nobody's office career is indelibly marked on their headstone. How many lonely hardened and bitter old child haters died with anyone who gave a [censored]? We make our way in this world by who we affected, who we touched, who we loved, and what bitterness we had that screwed it all up. I dont' want to come to the end of my days carrying that around.
That might all sound a bit rough around the edges, but it is a form of child abuse to hate your offspring simply because they crimped your style. We don't need more wounded people walking around. I was one and I will be damned before I go on ruining people like my father tried to do.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/19/08 09:58 PM

I love this post. Good points Calligrapher, the whole point of me coming here is to look for mothers who enjoy their motherhood, and/or who has a strong mind to endure all difficuties for their children.

Children come to this world for a reason, and we're the chosen ones to raise them. I still don't like raising a child, but I have stopped whining from a while ago.
Posted By: TeaPartyLady

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/02/08 04:01 PM

I had my daughter very young and often felt like I was missing out on things - when I would talk to my mother about it she basically shut me down with guilt. So, I sucked it up and went forward and by the time she was 4 it got better. It is very hard - you're supposed to feel maternal but it's just not there.

I loved her, and would have protected her like a mother bear, but we didn't bond until she was 4. Now she is the light of my life, I think because I had to mature myself. I even had a second one, but was 32 and wanted her very badly. Now I have horrible guilt at the feelings I had in the beginning with my older daughter, because I felt them right away with my second.

Try as hard as you can to show her affection. Protect her with your last breath if necessary. Get a mother's helper. Just my 2 cents.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/11/09 11:02 PM

HI - I have a seven month only girl. I am in the same situation where I completely dislike being a mother, regret my decision to keep her, and feel like its ruined my life. I talk constantly to the father about giving her up for adoption to my sister who has been trying for years, doing ivf and now pursuing adoption. I've talked to my friends who agree that for me having a baby was a big mistake. I am so depressed that I sleep hoping that me or she or both will disappear but realistically that is impossible. I am being treated for post-partum but basically I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Help!!
Posted By: Mcfindlebean

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/15/09 02:22 AM

I know what you mean. I really don't like the parenting lifestyle and seriously regret having a child. It was an accident and myself and my partner struggled on what to do. I am not saying I don't love my child, but, it is a constant struggle every day.
Posted By: Jacqueline M

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/18/09 07:55 PM

Hi,

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I can see how it happens. I felt that way many times at various times of raising my children, but I went to counseling, which helped me a lot.

If you can find some time to carve out for yourself to pursue something that YOU want to do, that is the best thing to return to your job as a parent in a more refreshed way.

Please know that I am here to help and will be checking the forum more often to see how everyone is doing. You have my support and, I'm sure, the support of others who have felt the way that you do right now.

Please, please, please let me know how I can help you.

Jacqueline Geller
Moms Editor
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/18/09 08:08 PM

Madness,

I think in your case it might be a very good idea to possibly go to a counselor with your sister and the father of your child.

This would give you the opportunity to discuss this optiont of adoption and all the ramifications of it.

It seems like it would be a good idea. Your sister dearly wants a child, this is already a baby who is blood related to her, and this way you will know that your child has a good upbringing.
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/18/09 08:19 PM

And to all Mothers on this particular post;

If most Momsare honest, we all have at least 1 day where we feel this way.

I suffer from clinical depression and bi-polar, so I have more days than the average (I would guess) - but I know it is my body's chemistry working against me. I cannot trust my feelings all the time.

I wrote an article for my Spirituality site called The 4 Stages of Love

It is geared towards marriage, but it can apply to the parent/child relationship, too.

We don't always feel like loving our child - or even liking them sometimes, we have to choose to love them. It is a concious effort that we have to make on some days. Especially those days when they discover that the poop in their diapers makes a great paint for the walls, or they just broke the heirloom vase that was handed down through 4 generations, or when we have the flu and are running a 102 degree fever oursleves- but we still have to take them to the doctor first.

"Mom" is a hard job, it is often thankless, overlooked, belittled, and if we complain it is "well, you were the one who wanted kids." It willbe worth it one day. One day this child will be an adult who will make a diference in someone else's life. He or she may not be a doctor or come up with the cure for cancer, she may be a social worker that saves a child from abuse, or a teacher that inspires the person that comes up with the cure for cancer. Or he may just be a really good husband that loves a woman who has never known love before.

Don't be so hard on yourselves for feeling the way you do, and don't give up on yourselves either. You may be stronger than you think.
Posted By: leahmullen

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/19/09 08:22 PM

I'm on page six of this thread and plan on reading the whole entire thing, but I wanted to stop and post first. I see myself here--versions of how I've felt.

I'm no therapist, but I think part of the problem with women who feel this way--that being a parent in the beginning can feel like you have a gray cloud following you everywhere--it's the isolation, the fact that you think you're THE only good mother who feels this way, which makes you think that perhaps you're not a good mom, when chances are that you're doing great as a mom--doubts, fears, warts and all.

Of course if you are experiencing thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else you should seek professional help immediately.

One poster mentioned that she would yell at her child and then feel guilt. OMG, so many of us do this! I'd be willing to bet that women who wanted children for 10 years, had them, was happy to have them still have experienced saying (or yelling) something to their children that they didn't mean. Here's what you do if something unintentional slips out--you apologize. You say to the child "did you hear what I just said? What a horrible thing to say to anyone. I 'm so sorry. I didn't mean it." This teaches the child that we're all human, we all make mistakes and we all can recover. I read this in a positive discipline book and have had cause to use it from time to time.

I've also noticed another pattern in these posts. So far and I'm on page 6, no one whose youngest child is over 10 years old has this particular complaint where they globally hate being a mother. I'm starting to think that more mothers feel this way when children are young than who will openly admit it. Or it might be that parents forget how difficult it was in the beginning, how intensely all consuming it is. Posters are saying that the child eventually "grows" on you, but I have a feeling that it's also about acceptance and learning and the child growing away from you and being a little more independent that makes the difference.

When the baby is 9 months old or 3 years old or 5 years old you're still essentially a new mom with a huge learning curve in front of you. You're still fighting the idea, resisting it, resenting it. Oh and if you have a 5 year old and a 1 year old, you're still brand spanking new at parenting two kids. Even though you don't realize it and you can't see it, every day you're learning and accepting a little more and a little more and a little more until you are just like the thousands of other mothers who felt the exact same way you do and then guided their children through high school, college, etc.

I also hated being a mom. I'd say circa 2001-02 when I had a 1 year old and 3 year old was the worst year of my entire life. Breaks didn't help so much because I had to go back THERE, back home to that screaming, crying and needing place. I hated being home. I was always on call. There was never any rest.At one point I was also working two jobs while writing articles and short stories. We didn't have many people to help us.

So here's what I did, I stopped resisting (I still resist sometimes but not as much as before) and put up a white flag of surrender and threw myself into the parenting enterpise. I read parenting and self help books like water and applied the techniques to the raising of my children. I went through a rites of passage program, started to journal again, then I began to write self-help. Now I also write for a parenting magazine!

Also here's the great thing about babies--for me anyway--they become adults. My children are 8 and 10 and while I do experience the stress of being on the train afraid that I'll get stuck and won't get home in time to collect my children after school. And I still worry about school work, health and safety etc, but it's so much better now. And it's not a traumatic, dramatic 24/7 worry like when I was afraid of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

People used to tell me that I would miss them as babies, but trust me I don't. We went to Times Square in Manhattan over the holiday sans baby carriage, diapers, bottles etc. Me, my husband and our school aged kids. We had a blast. I wanted to get on my knees and Thank God in the middle of Times Square that all of that was behind me.





Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/23/09 02:55 PM

Originally Posted By: Heather - Chinese Culture
It is hard for me to imagine anyone having kids simply because someone else says it's a good idea. To me, that shows a major lack of common sense.


It is not "someone telling you it is a good idea". It is the whole society sending you messages since as early as you can remember. "It is the best thing that can happen to a woman", "it is a bond that compares to nothing", "kids give so much", "you can only understand such a joy if you have children", "it gives life a whole new meaning", "you will change your mind", "labor pains are forgotten as soon as you see his little face"... and so on and so forth. In my entire life (I am 38) I have only met one woman who was actively against having children. Look at TV shows around us, no matter how cool, all the girls want babies, (except Samantha from Sex and the city ;-)) it is the guys who are not mature enough for that. What I mean is, if you are hearing that even from loved ones since you are a teenager, you might end up thinking that something is wrong with you. How can it be that everybody takes for granted something I don't want at all? Am I so selfish? so immature? why do women find cool being pregnant and I think it is disgusting? Am I not woman enough? So like somebody above put it, some think it is a question of sucking it up and do it. After all you cannot be the only one having children and not loving it, right?
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/23/09 03:20 PM

Originally Posted By: Angela P

In the meantime, just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Accentuate the positive. Since I'm childfree, I'm tend to focus on the positive aspects of it, which I don't need to list here. But of course, I, like many CF people, sometimes let my mind wander to "the other side of the fence," and wonder what my life would have been like with a little one or two. Since you were so honest about posting some of your true (less than stellar) feelings about being a mom, I'll confess to some thoughts I have at times I wish I knew what being a mom was like (and for more of these sentiments, visit the CF forum and look up the post on "My CF Confessions").

1. I will never have the experience of preparing a life inside me, rubbing my belly, nuturing the miracle God gave me until it's ready for the world.
2. It must be wonderful to be in the delivery room with your husband, preparing to see your son or daughter for the first time, holding hands and coming together in tears when he or she arrives.
3. To hold that little hand for the first time, look in your husband's eyes and reflect, "We made that..." must be a galactically beautiful feeling unmatched by anything we could ever experience.
4. Watching them grow and experience the world under your care must be really neat, too. I love teaching and watching little ones sponge up what I show them and what they see on their own.



Sorry if I sound too brutal here, but these confessions are exactly the kind of lies/ fantasies lots childfree women have to endure all their lives.
1) I was pregnant and never rubbed my belly. I hated being pregnant, and even when I tried to be nice it felt a very weird and fake thing to do.
2) It is not wonderful to be in a delivery room. Even women who are vocational moms can only lie if they say it is. I cried 35 hours, I only stopped when I got rid of the pain.
3) I didn`t smile for days. My first smiles were fake.
4) Thank God I am a little more positive in this respect.

If you think you are missing so much you are not childfree, you are just childless.
Posted By: bojean

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/24/09 11:51 PM

Hi, I can't believe this thread's been going on for over 2 years and I've read ALL the responses. I wanted to put my story here. This afternon I just had another blow out with my husband about how much I hate being a mother. I have 2 wonderful sons, 7 and 5 years old, a handsome caring husband, a wonderful career, had a full-time nanny, live in a nice apt in Manhattan, have great friends, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm spoiled, I'm selfish, whatever--I totally feel for "unhappy mom". I have it all, but why am I so miserable?? I too fantasized for years about getting divorced, running away, disappearing, killing myself. Because despite the years of therapy and being on meds (they both saved me) being a mother is all about selflessness, humility, and letting go of control. All of which I struggle with daily. Some people have loneliness, financial and health problems, but what I deal with is the essential annihilation of my selfhood. I lose my cool, my good common sense, my authority when I am arguing with my sons about gloves, which toys to take, etc. I am also reduced to being my parent's good little girl when I am doing certain activities (like taking my sons outside in below freezing weather) because my husband expects me to. Here is the elephant in the room. I've been with my husband since I was 20 years old. I never wanted to children but he always did. When I was 35, he pretty much laid down a veiled threat. He wanted kids or he would have to "rethink the marriage." Rather than letting him go, I agreed to have kids (I was madly in love him). I figured, I do a lot of things I don't necessarily want to do, but I adjust. What I didn't understand was that being a mom is a daily struggle for me, even after 7+ years. I LOVE my sons. I just don't love my life, or me, or my husband anymore. I try so hard to be a good mom, to avoid the mistakes my mom did, and if I were to see from the outside, I would say that I AM a great mom. But it is so hard for me to enjoy this process. Isn't that the difference between a lover and a whore--one of them pretends. I've never faked anything before but now I do. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life--I am busy cleaning, wiping, brushing, putting on shoes, yelling, cajoling, threatening. My neighbors see me all dressed up to go to work like Im all put together but I know they heard me yelling at my kids and fighting with my husband last night. I feel like the dignity and self-esteem I worked so hard to achieve in my life are in shatters. I walked into motherhood fully knowing I did not want it, and now I am committed to it. I think people who "want" to be mothers are fooling themselves. Evolution does not make anyone want to be parents, it just happens because you have sex (or raped). You care about the environment? don't have kids! My husband asked me yesterday if I had to do it all over again, would I have kids? No. Would I have married him? No. It just so happens that I had a tough week (Obama's inauguration notwithstanding)! Ask me another week and the answers might be different! Nevermind how having kids changed our marriage (or how it changed me). A couple of days ago I had a break-through. I was coming from work, picking up the kids from school and resenting the hell out of the fact that I was not sitting in one of the swanky bars I passed by, sipping a cocktail. I had a tough day at work, don't I deserve a happy hour, maybe flirt a little with young men, etc? but no, the only young men I was going to see are my sons who will immediately demand things and turn me into a beleaguered middle-aged mom. I pulled up my sagging shoulders and smiled brightly into their faces, as if I were truly happy to start my second shift. Normally this "faking" would make me feel like a lousy mom for not really "feeling" it--the usual war between resentment and guilt. But I suddenly felt a surge of sympathy for this woman, who smiled for the sake of her sons despite all the roiling emotions. And all of a sudden I felt whole--my love for my sons and my compassion for me were one. Despite my ambivalence (let's be honest--"repulsion") to motherhood, I think it will help me grow and my marriage to be more substantial. Isn't that why they call it growing pains? I am not sure I want to grow that much frankly (what fun is in that), but I walked into this and I am committed to walking out of it as a grown-up.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/26/09 12:33 PM

Great message, so well and powerfully written. I only have one son and I live in Luxembourg (Europe). The rest I could have signed it myself.
Posted By: kmom

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/31/09 07:13 PM

I just stumbled on this forum while doing a random search for "I hate being a mom". First off, I am not someone who hates being a mom (although I am not someone who dreamt of motherhood all my life either). Neverthless, now that I am a mom, I am enjoying it more than I expected and doing the best I can.I saw the original post as well as some of the initial replies. Though I dont really identify with that persons problem, I feel really sorry for her and hope that she is coping with it now.The reason I did a search for "hate being a mom" is completely different. I am not even sure if most posters on this thread who probably live in the west in typical nuclear families would even understand. But I have been carrying this for so long that I just need to vent. I have a 2 year old whom I love immensely and wouldn't want to change being a mom for anything else. But my problem is that my actions as a mom are constantly criticised and watched and every little fault is analysed and reported to my husband by others in the family. Sometimes by family members who live with us and at other times by those who are just occasional visitors. By now, I guess he is also convinced of my incompetence as a mom. Consequently, I feel drained out and gradually feel like I am losing faith in my own ability to be a good mom. But I get this constant stream of advice and criticism 24 X 7.How is one supposed to cope with it? You could say ignore it. But what if the person who does this to you lives with you under the same roof? When I tell my husband about it, he simply justifies this by pointing out some of the mistakes I have made in the past. Frankly speaking like all human beings (and like all other moms) I have made my share of mistakes and learnt from them. Nothing really serious though. I am sure all moms (and dads) would accept this. But does that mean you are incompetent and need to be watched over like a little child 24 X 7 and told what to do? Gradually, I am withdrawing from some of the parenting activities and letting other people do them (especially when they point out that I am not doing it the right way or whatever). But I am also consumed by guilt for not standing up to such people and doing my own thing as a parent. The net result is that I often end up thinking that things would have been better, especially for my child had I not become a parent at all. This is exarcebated by the fact that my own mother is a strong woman and never let people dictate her parenting style. Fortunately, for her she did not live with the kind of people I have to. But even if she had to I think she would have handled it differently. All this makes me think that my child will never have the image of a strong and dependable mom that I had. This makes me all the more sad. On top of all this, I work full time whereas my mom was a homemaker. So my child spends less time with me and more time with people who think I do a lousy job. I could easily quit my job but it would be difficult to keep my sanity in an environment where I am constantly criticised.I am expecting another one soon and cant imagine going through that entire routine again. But I know I will have to. And btw, I am not refering to the typical inconveiences you have with a little one (night waking, constant feeding, diaper changes etc). Though it is daunting, emotionally it does not scare me the way people around me and their behaviour does. I know all this is completely unrelated to this thread but I just needed to vent. Thanks to anyone who reads this. If there is anyone in a similar position, it would be great if you could share your thoughts as well as your coping strategies. Atleast for the sake of my kids, I would like to be mentally strong.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/05/09 03:51 AM

I appreciate the editor's and freelance writer's response. I'm not sure if replied they b/c my situation is serious. Well it is...I have been having a very hard time - 3 years ago, I had my own apartment, a great job and group of friends. Since then, I've sold my apartment, lost money, lost my job and now have a baby. My relationship is hanging by a thread btw we are not married. I figured out today that I must be bipolar - manic depressive - to have put myself in such a precarious situation. I don't know if I'm selfish but I don't want to do birthdays, kindergarten, elementary school, high school, etc. Being the eldest I've raised my 3 siblings when we were young , taken care of my brother on my own when he was 16 and again at 20, helped my ex raise his kids, and cared for my dying mother and grandmother when their time came. I don't have it in me to raise a child. I don't want to spend the rest of my life, money, time, energy caring for another person. My partner did not want a child and she was not planned. I've never disliked anything in my whole life except this and I can't get out. I am essentially stuck. Everyday I wish it would just end. At least the father has agreed to come to counseling with me. We'll see how that goes.
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/05/09 12:45 PM

I'm very glad the Dad is going to counseling with you.

Bi-polar can definitely get you into some bad situations. When you are on the high end - you take amazing risks because it seems like nothing in the world can harm you or like you have to cram living all into one day to make up for the time you lost to the days you spent in the black depression of the lows. (Can you tell I've been there? Still am at times)

I don't think it is selfish to recognize that you are not ready or prepared to deal with something.

I know there are many loving parents out there that do want children and can't have them - maybe this is God's way of evening things out.

I also want to say, as for my last post - I did not mean to imply that I was belittling what any of you feel. I was just hoping to offer some encouraging and comforting words. Because there are some of you that will continue on with motherhood, even though you hate it right now. Some of you will do it because you feel you have no choice or because of pressure from your families or for any number of reasons. And for those that do, it will be very hard - but it won't last forever. You just take it in stages.

One day the baby will sleep through the night.
One day the child will tell you what is wrong instead of just crying.
One day he will use the potty and diapers will go away.
One day he will walk and you won't have to carry him everywhere.
One day he will start Kindergarten and you will have about 6 hours of peace per day.
One day he will be 13 and you can leave him in the house alone while you go out to dinner and a movie.
One day he will be able to drive, and you won't be a chauffer anymore.
One day he will graduate high school and will officially be an adult.
And one day he will actually be an adult that lives on his own, and you will be able to look at him and knon that you helped to mold him into the person that he has become.

In other words, as in all things, "this too shall pass".

Please know ladies that I keep all of you in my prayers, that whatever is going to be best for you may work out. I do not judge any of you or think badly for any decisions you make.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/06/09 04:53 AM

HI Michelle: Nope you didn't sound like you were belittling me. Taking it one day at a time. She's in daycare and the dad's home at night so we're only together for a few waking hours. Trying to enjoy it as they grow so quickly and time passes races by. My sister the one I dream would adopt will be here for a month to bond/ help care for the baby. Md
Posted By: Kalinka

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/13/09 07:00 PM

Thank you, brave women, for having the courage to post your stories here. I'm childfree and taking these messages as a cautionary tale; I know I am not cut out to be a parent and would struggle just as many of you are doing. For those of you who hate it and are doing their best anyway; you have my admiration.

Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/16/09 02:28 AM

You are smart to know your limitations. I went into motherhood blindly, stupidly thinking it was what I wanted cuz everyone has children, right? I am humbled, anxious and stressed every day. No judgement but I never thought I'd end up a single mother. The father is involved but our relationship deteriorates bit by bit every day. I chased this man as if he were a knight when we're all just people. My sister will be moving back in a year to care for the child. I am at the end of my rope and hope... so I went to meet a church friend today. We all need hope....
Posted By: Heam

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/16/09 06:26 AM

Im so happy im not alone. i am 30yrs old and just gave birth to a baby boy a month ago. I wanted a baby so bad, at least i thought. I could have never imagined that i would hate it so much. i really do hate being a mom. i feel like this has been the worst mistake of my life. before this i had a wonderful life a little boring but wonderful, i drove a porscha and had extra money to spend on whatever i wanted. Most of all i miss my freedom. i hate that he cries all the time and that i have to get up in the middle of the night, and not to mention im a single mom.his dad sees him once a week, maybe. i pray to God that this gets better. when i think about the future i start to feel overwhelmed because i know deep down it only gets worst because the demand are more. i too have thought about adoption however i know my family will never forgive me or allow me too and i don't have the heart to tell them what's going on. sometimes when i put him to sleep in his crib i wonder if my life could go back to the way it was if he didn't wake up. this is very hard for me to write, i hate myself for feeling this way. i think maybe i am being punished for something, maybe the way i treated someone or maybe for not appreciating the little things. I just needed to say this out loud. thanks for listening
Posted By: Elleise - Clairvoyance

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/16/09 07:08 AM

Hi Heam,

Try not to feel too hard on yourself. I can really feel the sincerity and by no means are you alone, though I absolutely think it feels that way sometimes.

When I had my daughter, I was gettng out of a horrible relationship and I had funky things going on with my bloodwork. My family was out in CT so, I very much did everything on my own, daycare, shopping, educating, feeding, cleaning, working, blah......

As my daughter got older, it became easier. There's about 3 years in there that are hard but if you have family that really is helpful. If you told them not everything, but that you emotionally could use some "you" time to get your life in some form of a routine you're experimenting with, they may consider helping?

You do let go of independence and spur of the moment fun times, but you also learn things - really about yourself and things you're good at that you didn't even know and those become more solid. Once you get the support system in place, you get your independance back and you can make arrangements to do those fun things.

I never lost myself to motherhood, but I did find I had to share my me-time the brokerage firm offered with trips, bonuses, etc. If you shuffle the pieces around a little bit, they really do settle into place smile

_____________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/16/09 02:24 PM

Originally Posted By: Heam
sometimes when i put him to sleep in his crib i wonder if my life could go back to the way it was if he didn't wake up. this is very hard for me to write, i hate myself for feeling this way. i think maybe i am being punished for something, maybe the way i treated someone or maybe for not appreciating the little things.


I really worry about you with these statements.

I know not every Mom that is unhappy suffers from PostPartum Depression, but these are what I call "bile black pit thoughts". The reason I call them that, is because I have had similar thoughts, and I suffer from Clinical Depression (not just post partum but all the time) and I feel like I'm in a bile black pit when these types of thoughts are running in my head.

I am worried that you might hurt yourself or your baby without even meaning to, just one of those moments when he is crying and won't stop. My youngest did one of those days - in order to keep from shaking him - I laid him in his crib while he kept screaming, and I locked myself in the laundry room and called my husband and told him he HAD to come home. He did, immediately, because I was hysterical on the phone.

You say your family won't let you give him up for adoption. Do you live with them? Are they close enough to you that they can come to your aid like my husband did? If not, then for the safety of the child AND you, there may not be a choice BUT adoption. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Yes they will be angry at first, but eventually they will forgive you. Especially if they understand that you feared for the babies safety because of your mindset.

Please talk to your doctor or a counselor about PPD. I am NOT suggesting you ask them for medications, I think you should ask for counseling 1st and see what the therapist thinks and what you get out of that first.

I hope all goes well for you, whether you keep your baby or not.

{Hugs}
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/19/09 09:30 PM

Hi, I have to say I can't believe after 3 years, this post is still on the top of the forum. If possible, I really wanted to help organize a service to consel people who plan to have kids. I think all of us can offer great service to those people to let them make a more informative decision.

For me, my girl is now over 3. Yes, she has slept through the night, she has been potty trained, she actually eats pretty well, she is a good girl most of the time. BUT, let me tell you, if I could choose again, I would never choose to be a mom. So for me, and maybe others, this is not a short term postpartum depression that can be treated by meds. I am just not cut out to be a mom, period.

I have more of me time now, actually a lot of me time since she is going to day care now. But it is the fact that now i am a mom, that means my daily schedule is pretty much the same everyday. Dinner at 6, shower at 8, bedtime story to follow... Some days I really just want to eat out, well, that means I either need to call a sitter, pay extra money for a couple hours of dinner; or take her out which means it may be more stressful because she could be in a bad mood that night. Most of time, i just have to stick to the same routine to call it a night.

Life with a kid is boring. It really is, no matter what other people told me. I even hate when people asked you when you will have the 2nd one, and then looked surprised when you say you just want one. Come on, that is my personal business, why do they care!?
Posted By: Lori-Marriage

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/19/09 09:48 PM

I don't know why they care but I have to admit that I have said the same thing, "Are you having another?" as though kids are like Lay's potato chips (you can't just eat one.) And I'm sorry for my insensitivity now.

You need lessons and a license before you drive a car but nothing is required before you marry and have kids. The thing about lessons is that they still wouldn't predict who will make a good parent and who would enjoy it versus who would not. Whe a kid is born, something biological happens in the brain and bonding kicks in. Not all the time, but most of the time.

No doubt, some people just don't have the nurturing gene. No big deal. There are plenty of other great genes to inherit.

But since you do have a child already, Jenny, I wonder if you've thought of the following:

1. This is your life and your child. You can raise her how you see fit. You make the rules. Who says you have to have a boring routine?
2. Routines are good for kids but sometimes, kids need to know that life is not that rigid. Plans change. Spontaneity and flexibility are good.
3. If you're bored, chances are that she's bored, too. Can you think up fun things to do with her? My kids had medical problems and life was tough, but it was never boring. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and let that inner child come out to play again.

Do you have your own personal interests? If you're fulfilled, your satisfaction will overflow into your relationships and into your parenting. What do you do with your new "me" time?

Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/21/09 10:23 AM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
I am just not cut out to be a mom, period.

Life with a kid is boring. It really is, no matter what other people told me. I even hate when people asked you when you will have the 2nd one, and then looked surprised when you say you just want one. Come on, that is my personal business, why do they care!?


God I hate that too, everybody, even people who know me well and know what I went through (at least I told them, although it doesn't look like they were listening), keep asking about the second one. I get so mad I can be rude, "I did not want one in the first place why would I do it again", but then it is all about people thinking kids are the best thing since sliced bread and being unable to believe you have not changed after such a "wonderful experience".
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/21/09 10:33 AM

Originally Posted By: Lori-Marriage
I

1. This is your life and your child. You can raise her how you see fit. You make the rules. Who says you have to have a boring routine?
2. Routines are good for kids but sometimes, kids need to know that life is not that rigid. Plans change. Spontaneity and flexibility are good.
3. If you're bored, chances are that she's bored, too. Can you think up fun things to do with her? My kids had medical problems and life was tough, but it was never boring. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and let that inner child come out to play again.

Do you have your own personal interests? If you're fulfilled, your satisfaction will overflow into your relationships and into your parenting. What do you do with your new "me" time?



I totally agree with Jenny T, sticking to routines is the least stressful option. For example: when my parents in law are here, they insist that we all go have lunch together at my son's "siesta time", he is tired and moody and I don't enjoy it at all, although I always delegate to my husbabd in these cases.

Routine does not necessarily means doing nothing. My son goes swimming once a week, plays with his legos, goes to day care 3 hours a day... He is not bored, he is having a blast, always laughing. I am the one who is bored.
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/21/09 12:35 PM

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
Hi, I have to say I can't believe after 3 years, this post is still on the top of the forum. If possible, I really wanted to help organize a service to consel people who plan to have kids. I think all of us can offer great service to those people to let them make a more informative decision.


JennyT, I think this was a wonderful thread that you started. It let so many other women know that they are not alone in their feelings. I know in dealing with my Depression (not over my children, just Depression in general) it helped so much having other people to talk to that knew exactly what I was talking about!

You mention wanting to start a service to counsel people; have you ever thought about getting a counseling degree and then maybe going to work at an adoption agancy or a planned parenthood agency? Or, even better - start your own practice and cater to Moms just like yourself who feel they are in the wrong place. That would be an amazing way to turn what has been a fairly traumatic experience for you to some good. You can't change your past, but you might be able to affect someone else's future.
Posted By: aniraf

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/21/09 08:16 PM

hye jennyt..i really understang how u feel.i've a son who's gonna be 2 next month.he's a really active boy n he took all the time i had in the world. i don't go shopping anymore, no travelling, even a trip to the market is so impossible without help. i lost myself in this parenting world, and the best part is my husband doesn't n i hated him for it. he still goes clubbing, karaoke, staying out till late at night with his friends. he also has a girlfriend outside. i used to confront him regarding this n what i get is shouting n beating..my son really looked like my husband, so i used to hate my son a lot.n i'm the one supporting myself n my son as i make 3 times of his salary. i'm my husband's 2nd wife, n he got 3 kids with his other wife, a car to pay n his paying for 5 mobile lines.with my ever so active son, my difficult job,my unfaithful husband, sometimes i really feel like i need time out. just leave everything behind n start a new life. n i had 2 abortion 7 years ago n i regretted it now. my life sucks badly but the only thing that's a blessing in my life is my son.he's very active, but he's also the sweetest boy & i know that he loves me a lot.pls jenny, don't give your daughter away.think about how you'd feel if your mom gave u away.believe that all this sacrifices as a mom will paid off when she grows up.just be patient for few more years.she will be your best friend one day. i really do not want u to be as regretful as i am now when i think about the 2 abortions i made.
Posted By: D18

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/22/09 12:31 AM

Heam, Oh you sweet thing. I am childless (although I am a step-mom)and know that I DO NOT want a child. I see what my friends go through; the stress, no sleep, no time for yourself, etc. and I KNOW that I don't want that. Please know that there are people out there just like you. MANY women just won't admit that that's how they feel. They feel like a terrible person for saying that they hate being a mom, but you/they shouldn't. If you REALLY feel that you aren't sure that you can do this, I do highly recommend looking into adoption. I don't think it's fair to you or baby to be miserable. Or wonder, "how much longer can I take this?" Please don't beat yourself up too much for how you feel. Just know that many others feel the same way, they are just too ashamed to say it out loud. I will pray for you!
Posted By: Kaybee

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/27/09 03:35 AM

Oh yeah life with kids is very boring. And no, they are NOT bored at all!!! They love the pet shop, museums, pool, hunting for things in the woods. Believe me they are always busy. But it's hard and you always have to keep an eye on them. Hey JennyT, I appreciate you continuing to post. I've followed this thread for a long time and just now decided to join and start posting. I think a number of women are just not cut out for motherhood, yet we are always told how wrong we are....we must just not be doing it the right way....etc etc. You know what, you're entitled to not enjoy motherhood. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies but man, it's not what you think it's going to be. My kids are happy and that means the world to me but it was very important to me to get back to work because I need that kind of stimulation. Being a SAHM SUCKED!!!!! I don't know how any sane person can do it. I don't think adoption is the answer. You are obviously her mom and making the best of it. It will probably be easier as she gets more independent and you got lucky and have a pretty easy kid, from the sounds of things. Hang in there, JennyT and keep posting.You help the rest of us not feel so alone.
Posted By: Mommync

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/02/09 02:24 PM

Yes, I feel like this Mom. I have 2 children. One is 11 months and one is almost 3. I so dislike being a Mom. It is not at all like the baby commercials that you see on tv. It drains all of my energy, time, and life. It may sound selfish but I can't stand it. My husband came from such a dysfunctional upbringing that I feel like I TRULY I spent 14 years "raising" him. Now I am thinking what is wrong with me to stay with a man who was abusive and needed so much help. Now I feel trapped with him & the kids, I want to leave them. I want to just pack my bags and leave. You know I have to beg for time to take a shower, to comb my hair or to have a moment to breathe. My husband belittles me and let's me know how awful I am. I had/have postpartum depression and I have only seen the doctor at my 6 week check-up. She prescribed Zoloft and I have been taking it every since with no guidance. I have to beg him to attend doctor's appointments. I am still very depressed and angry. I wonder whose life I am really living here. I think about death, hurting my kids, and myself often. There is no one to help me. I am alone and will continue to be alone except for paid professionals that I have no time to see. I have to beg my husband for help only to get dirty looks from him because he has to watch the children. Everyday I just look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up. It is an awful helpless feeling. To make things worst, I feel guilty about my thoughts because I have the sweetest children. I believe that 90% of my problems stem from my husband and his abusive nature. I am so tired from all of his bashing that I just have nothing to give to my kids. He sucks the life out of me and makes me feel like I am so low. So I am stuck......for 18 years with my children. I have no one to help. Family and Friends live away... It is just him & I. Not a pretty sight.
Posted By: Mommync

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/02/09 02:41 PM

We are not talking about your father. This is a post where people can express their true feelings. Maybe if your father had a place to post, then he might of been better able to cope. Your post will not help mom love or like motherhood. It is a fact that not everyone is a walking Johnson's and Johnson's commercial. I am a mom who does not like being a Mom. It is not what I thought it would be. I am coping but it is not enjoyable at all. I am taking measure to get help but I am not optimistic that it will change my angry and resentment. Motherhood is not for everyone and that message needs to get out there. It is NOT for everyone.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/03/09 08:14 PM

Thanks so much for all of you here, to listen and support, I truly feel connected with you though we have not met. I can't talk to any of my friends, though I did express my feelings towards having the 2nd one. I will tell them out loud, "No, we have a lot of plans in life, but having another baby is not one of them." and they will look puzzeled. LOL!

I have to say I am a good mom, if all I need to do is to cook, care for her. I can do all those, very effiently. My house is very clean and nice most of the time. I love to cook for friends and family. But i do not like the displining a child, i don't like reading to a child and get all the same questions again and again, i don't like asking her to do the same thing 100 times and just find her ignoring me. So believe me, I always imagine I have a nanny at home who can do those, and let me have my freedom of doing my own things...
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/03/09 10:21 PM

MommyNC - reading your post, I don't think your issues lie as much with your children, as it does with being in an abusive relationship.

I have a feeling that if you and your children could be on your own (with addequate support) - you guys would be just fine. The majority of your depression seems to be brought on by your spouse, not your children.

Like many abused women, your anger and rage needs to go somewhere - you are terrified of taking it out on your husband, so the net logical target is you kids. They can't beat back on you like he can. But they need your protacetion as well.

The besst thing you could ever do for yourself and your children would be to leave. If after you flee and get into the system, you might considere giving up your children for adoption - but I would be willing to bet you would want to keep hole of them without their father's insanity around.

Get some abused spouse coounseling - this could be the step that might change your life.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/15/09 07:46 AM

Heam: I can relate to every word, sentence and feeling you have. I thought I'd always have a child at some point in life and left it to 39!!! I also hate it. I avoid my daughter as much as possible - daycare, daddycare, etc. I am sorry to hear that you are a single mom. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and of course, if you don't like it, it's that much worse. I have a nine month old and it gets easier in some ways. Unfortunately the responsibility is always going to be there. I hope you get some more help from the community, family and friends.
Posted By: lalalou

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/15/09 02:15 PM

I found this forum after typing in 'I hate being a wife and mother into google'. I am not actually a wife- not yet, and today I feel like saying, not yet thank the lord. I have a daughter who will be 3 in July, and today I am thoroughly disliking being a mom. Not every day is like this, and I know full well I'm feeling like this because 1)I am ill at the moment, 2) her dad is not pulling his weight and 3)Everything else that I have on just now would just be so much easier if I didn't have a sick, annoying, crying faced tantrum throwing brat at my heels. That said, she is not always a brat, is very loving, smart, funny, beautiful ... but she curbs my sense of self, freedom, expression- even when I'm mad at her I feel like i'm repressing myself for not being as mad as I'd like to be. I feel guilty all the time! Anyway, I am glad I am not alone in my feelings. Today I felt like pushing the buggy away from me and walking off. Of course I didn't but the thought did occur. I think women need to acknowledge that it's normal to feel like this - but, hey, there's so much else going on the world, war, starvation, illness; perspective is definitely the key. And I hate being a wife much more than I do a mother
Posted By: Kaybee

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/15/09 07:19 PM

I am just checking in to see how everyone on this thread is doing. My kids now are taking a nap and they are such beautiful creatures when they sleep. Later, we will go for a walk. I feel like a bad mom today because we were all very lazy and the kids really need to get outside instead of sitting on the couch watching TV all day. The guilt never ends, does it? I am happy they are older at this time and don't need so much butt wiping and constant supervision. There was a time when I felt chained to the house. Now they are much more fun and independant. It gets easier with time but believe me. NO MORE BABIES EVER!!! Hugs to all you women out there who are working so hard to raise the next generation
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/16/09 12:56 PM

I am not that happy with my mother role either, so no intention to be judgmental here at all, but, I am just curious to know why so many moms who hate being moms did it all over again with a second child. My son is almost 2 and I can't see myself going through pregnancy, birth, colics, bottles in the middle of the night... all over again!
Posted By: Kaybee

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/17/09 06:36 PM

I think for me it was the terrible guilt of not giving my DS a sibling. I wanted him to have another child to grow up with and not be an only. I know only children can be OK, but I'm glad he has a sister. He really loves her and they are great together.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/18/09 07:09 PM

I felt that guilt at first, but thank God it is gone. It is horrible to live with so much guilt. First, I felt guilty because my husband wanted a child so much, so I had a child. And then I felt guilty because he was going to be an only child... Enough is enough. Having one kid without wanting it was hard enough, I could/ should never do such a thing again.
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/18/09 08:26 PM

Most of the time, my daughter is an easy and understanding baby. But still, at times, I just can't control myself when she asked again and again some "unreasonble" requests. For example, she needs me to sleep beside her till she goes to sleep. I can't do that, because doing that means my only free time after she goes to sleep is gone. I am training her to sleep by herself, of course after hugs and kisses. But every night she keeps saying the same thing, sleep here, sleep here. I know for those of you who have strong mother instinct or who do not have children think I am a bad mother. It is a small request, yea sure it is cute at first, and I can do it once, twice. But I can't do it every day. But one thing about kids, even for those easy, good kids, there is no such thing of flexibility. You do something they like once, they will ask again, again and again. For example sometimes I wanted to bring her in my bed so we snuggle together. But I know once I do it, every night she will request to sleep with me.. It is hard. Because that is not how I want to be a mom. Being a mom, I have to do more yieling, screaming, disciplining, feeling guilty and all.

I am not a perfect mom, but I am a ok-good mom (working on the yieling part). I did my best. I am telling myself not to feel guilty..
Posted By: Elleise - Clairvoyance

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/18/09 08:34 PM

You know, I was thinking -

It comes down to love. I keep seeing the word "guilt" but isn't it more in effect, love? Not to sound corny or anything, but when one person puts aside their needs for another to me that amounts to love or a form of it anyway.

Having children isn't a fairy tale. So many things out there present the positive side of it, I think, in order to push whatever they're selling, be it an opinion, a book, product, etc.

I think people do "it" again, after they haven't felt fulfilled the first time around, because they feel they can either do it better or that a reality be it from a spouse, friends or family presents a different reality than what they've already experienced. There are great moments, but like anything, they don't last forever.

You really need to see or be in a position to feel the long run, to appreciate having children. There are just as many ups and downs and more so because you will be thinking in terms of both yourself and someone dependant on you. If you have other plans or an independance - like a need to fly or plans you have yet to see manifest, that gets in the way.

As most posters here have said, though, guilt...that translates to puting your needs aside for something you feel may be greater.

_____________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/19/09 01:04 PM

I relate 100% to what you say. Kids just can't understand the meaning of "wait a minute" or "only once". I hate having to set limits all the time. Thank God my son learned to fall asleep by himself from the very beginning!! He is easy-going and smart and funny but he just drains my energy sometimes.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/19/09 01:10 PM

Guilt and love should not have anything to do with one another. If love is what brings people to do again something they didn't want in the first place, something they don't even enjoy, I guess I don't want to have that much love in me :-)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/26/09 10:43 AM

Society has placed a set of expectations upon families that are twisted beyond recognition. First of all; No matter how many children that we have we still have our own lives. Giving every ounce of ourselves to someone else can only bring us unhappiness. Look at the animals. When the kids are raised- its over. Everyone goes on with their lives and builds new situations. In this culture we seem to be enslaved to the fact that we have to keep our kids safe, comforted, lacking for nothing until we or they are dead. Who writes this stuff ?????? I love my kids but they have their lives and Mom and I have ours. Its done !! Finally my other half has done something that she has always wanted to do and that was to finish her education. She has just received her PHD in parapsychology. Do you think that she would have ever come close to that if our kids were always around, patching their boo-boos, babysitting, and doing the very things that we had to do for them when they were young? If we did our job, which we did, then it is now their turn to do theirs. Even when our kids were young Mom and I still had our hobbies and set aside time for our own interests and that we did for for our own mental well being. To truly love ourselves and our family is to let them go when the job is done. That does not mean that we do not love them, it simply means that there is value and a whole other world within that needs to be lived.
Posted By: REDD45

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/28/09 03:55 PM

I have to agree 100%. I do believe children are a precious gift, however it is a parents job to ensure those children grow up with the life skills needed to lead their own lives, not to be your childs friend. Too many children have their every whim pandered to by parents who feel not to do so would be bad parenting. I have seen first hand these parents stressed emotionally and financially. The child did not benefit either. It is important that children know there are consequences to their actions, that they learn coping skills for lifes disappointments and that they are capable of handling it. I was often critzed by others as being too "hard" or "selfish" because I had boundaries and took time for myself. But all my kids are grown adults leading their own lives. We love each other and are there for each other but not necessarily on a daily basis. I feel no saddness if the kids dont call for months, that means their lives are full as is mine. It is a joy to see them grow and explore life.
Posted By: sundancer

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/29/09 09:05 AM

Most children today don't understand wait a moment or only once. Why should they? It is not what they have learned. The sleeping issue is quite common. Why? It is easier to give in then to discipline.

Sundancer
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/29/09 11:06 AM

Originally Posted By: sundancer
Most children today don't understand wait a moment or only once. Why should they? It is not what they have learned.


I don't know what you means when you say "most children today". NO CHILD today or in the past is born understanding those two concepts. 2 or 3 years-old kids (like JennyT's or mine) do not necessarily know the concepts yet, no matter how much discipline. It is just maturity-wise and evolution-wise not possible.

The parents have to teach them. I do it because the consequences of not doing that part of the job are even worse in the long run, but it doesn't mean I like the job. The good thing about being child-free at heart but with a child, it is that I don't feel guilty when my child tries to get away with things and I say no. "It doesn't break my heart" (as I hear other mothers say) when he cries for some silly reason. My son has learned to sleep alone from day one almost. He is not allowed to play with some big toys in the living room , takes his shoes off when we gets home and he knows he has to wash his hands. There is a lot of order in his life (and hugs too). But he will still try things and test his limits and it is just a very annoying job I never wanted.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/30/09 11:57 AM

I am not a Mom so I probably should not even be on this site but I do have to say that at times, even though I was a fairly good dad I sometimes hated being one. I believe that it is normal to realize that being a parent is not easy and that children can be obnoxious unless they are taught to do what is expected of them just like we had to learn. Don't get me wrong here because I love my kids but I have always found it interesting in this culture how we view little babies. It seems like we coo and caw, make faces to, adore, and at times let a croud gather around the child in such admiration. Please tell me at what age do we go from adorable to ignorable. We love to dote over these little ones but what about us? Are we as older people not worth the time? Bear with me here please. I am not crying in my beer because I am getting older, I am just observing a trend. Mom and I knew that at times we lived vicariously through the admiration given our kids as many do today. Somehow it made us feel better but what does it speak of a culture that adores youth and pushes aside the aged. We were all babies once. What I do not understand is why can't all ages be respected and revered. Kids need extra attention and love at times to learn what they need, I understand that. I have, however, every sympathy for parents as they face a very unknown future so I believe that it is time to honor all ages, one is not better than the other, and no more deserving than the other.
Posted By: sundancer

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 03/31/09 11:18 AM

Originally Posted By: Solalux
Originally Posted By: sundancer
Most children today don't understand wait a moment or only once. Why should they? It is not what they have learned.


I don't know what you means when you say "most children today". NO CHILD today or in the past is born understanding those two concepts. 2 or 3 years-old kids (like JennyT's or mine) do not necessarily know the concepts yet, no matter how much discipline. It is just maturity-wise and evolution-wise not possible.

The parents have to teach them. I do it because the consequences of not doing that part of the job are even worse in the long run, but it doesn't mean I like the job. The good thing about being child-free at heart but with a child, it is that I don't feel guilty when my child tries to get away with things and I say no. "It doesn't break my heart" (as I hear other mothers say) when he cries for some silly reason. My son has learned to sleep alone from day one almost. He is not allowed to play with some big toys in the living room , takes his shoes off when we gets home and he knows he has to wash his hands. There is a lot of order in his life (and hugs too). But he will still try things and test his limits and it is just a very annoying job I never wanted.

I did not mean to offend you. My statement was too broad.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your son. You set boundaries and limits. You are teachng him with love and hugs.
Sundancer
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/01/09 02:08 AM

Solalux, you spoke every word in my heart! I am child free at heart with a child. I can discipline my daughter without breaking my heart. When I said "yieling" at her, I mean raise my voice, and I believe 90% of parents have done so.

I am just sitting here right now typing so she can goes to sleep. She just cried for some silly reasons. You know what is in my mind.. I am pretending I am by the ocean, and her crying is the wave, so I am calm and just waiting for her to calm down. Then I went over to wipe her tear, and said please go to sleep.

When she is a good girl, I adore her though.
Posted By: jasminscats

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/02/09 07:44 PM

Jenny, I'm with you. I'm 22, and have a 10 week old baby boy. I HATE being a mom. I miss my body, my life, but most of all, my ability to be selfish. I had a child because I met the love of my life at 15, and he is the best man I have ever known. He is extremely family orientated, and if I hadn't had a baby with him eventually I would've lost him. I figured that if I was going to have children, I should do it young because I didn't want to risk the complications that can arise from having a baby to late (the younger you are, the healthier the baby is and the easier it is for the mother to recover - that's how it's worked for the women in my family anyhow). I also wanted to be young enough to have things in common with my child, and to be able to be physically fit enough to keep up with him. I thought it would be an easy recovery and that by 2 months I'd be fine. But I wasn't. I hemhoragged about 10 days after having him, and I've never been normal since then. I have bladder problems, back issues, knee and other joint pain, and pelvic pain, all as a result of the pregnancy. I'm also 35 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant (and I wasn't exactly skinny before the baby either), and I've got a ridiculous amount of stretch marks in the most horrible places. I miss having fun. I don't fit in with anyone anymore. I don't fit in with my mom friends because I'm not really a typical "motherly" woman (I'm not very good with kids, so the last thing I want to do in my spare time is go hang out with other peoples children), and I don't fit in with my party friends because I've got a baby. I can't really drink or do anything anymore, because I have to worry about this little life that is my responsibility. I hate it. I love my son, but I HATE what my life has become. I hate being a slave to his crying. I hate the lack of control. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, and that just makes me feel worse. I can't talk to anyone because no one understands. If I could take it all back, I would, and I hate feeling like that. But by FAR, the worst thing about this is the fact that I have to lie to everyone - tell them that I'm fine and I'm so happy, because I know they'd never understand and if I told them the truth, they'd judge me and critisize me. I don't know what to do.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/03/09 07:29 AM

I was 36 when I had my son. I bleeded for 4 weeks (I almost missed the fact that I got back my period) I felt so weak that I couldn't hardly go up a flight of stairs. Everything hurt. Going to the toilet was an ordeal for weeks. Nobody tells you about this little "post-partum" side-effects!! On the bright side: after only 10 weeks bladder problems and pelvic pains are pretty normal and it is too soon to be back to your normal weight.
My son is 2 and, although I have no strechmarks or weight problems, I still have bladder problems and even worse, I have never felt sexual desire again.
I guess that when having a child is for you like a dream come true, then everything is all right, or at least you regard it as the price you had to pay. But when, like in our case, it was somebody else's idea of a dream, it is really annoying!
I feel grateful that I did not meet my wonderful husband till I was 33. He was the one wanting children, and although I hated the idea, I thought it would be a good thing in the long run, since everybody seems to be so delighted with theirs and I didn't want to lose him.
Posted By: jools987

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/03/09 03:45 PM

Just signed up as I felt I ought to add my voice. I have a beautiful 6 week old son but I wish I'd never had him. My life was great before - I was married but we were free, we travelled, had fun and had busy, exciting lives. My life has ground to a halt and I my husband and I both think that we've made a terrible mistake. All you ever hear is that having kids is the most amazing and wonderful thing that will ever happen to you but we both feel miserable.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/03/09 11:53 PM

i always knew there was a conspiracy to reproduce. it's always men that told me to have kids. prob cause their wives do all the work! my aunts and uncles told me not to have children but i thought it was strange that they had more than one. i was stupid and listened to my biological clock and saw others around me having kids. my daughter is 10 months old and i do hate being a mom, regret being a mom and dreading the years ahead. it sucks for my career, social life and finances. her dad wants to keep her so we'll stick it out for now although in this economy who knows. jenny - you sound better. i'm happy for you and i'm so glad you started this forum.
Posted By: jasminscats

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/04/09 01:31 AM

It's nice to know I'm not the only one... it's not like I don't love my baby boy (he is the cutest little thing), but I hate what has become of my life. Nobody does tell you about all the [censored] you have to deal with. I KNEW I didn't want kids, and I should've known that, but I listened to my mom and saw all my friends and wanted to keep my relationship so I sacrificed everything in order to do so. I wish I had listened to my heart... my only advice to anyone if they're undecided on having children, is to listen to YOUR OWN HEART! DO NOT listen to other people or how they feel or what they think. Do what's right for you.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/04/09 02:52 AM

jasmincats- you're so right and what the bleep are we suppose to do about it now!
Posted By: Kaybee

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/05/09 08:52 PM

Unfortunately, all you can do is suck it up and be the best person you can be. And there is joy in it, there really is. These creatures become little people and so very interesting over time! But yes, the men get off easy. A Daddy who plays with his kids once a week or makes them dinner every so often is a hero! If you are the mother, it is just expected of you. One time my ex took the kids to a school event (I stayed home sick) and everyone just ooed and ahhed over what a 'great' dad he was! Sheesh. If I take them anywhere it's just normal. See the scales are really unbalanced. We are expected to give up our normal lives while men continue to live theirs with relatively few changes. Our bodies and minds and lives change in a flash while men....not so much. It is hard for them to understand us, therefore. I am not bitter but I am sick of the drivel and pap being fed to women since birth that motherhood is the be all and end of all of our existance. I quite frankly would have been fine not having kids and the childfree women I know (and they are all in their 40's and 50's) sure aren't 'regretting' anything. Please. They are enjoying successful careers, socking their money away and preparing for a lovely retirement while I have to worry about each and every dollar. I am SICK of society's skewing the facts about motherhood!
Posted By: Sunkissed-QT

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/08/09 08:50 AM

I have to say I did not get the "MOMMY GENE" either. I was 17 when I had my first child and my mom was not pro abortion at all. I didn't think I was either however, I do not think having a child young is a good idea. I think you end up resenting the child for everything. No one tells you all the [censored] you have to go through as a mom. I had gotton into another relationship getting married and having two more. Things seamed fine between the two of us. I thought we had it handled for the most part. Then he decided he wanted out. I think he couldn't stand the demands of the kids. So he left. Leaving me with now three kids that I have to just about sell myself to support. On top of that NONE of the kids give two shits about anything and waste everything!! I have to work all the time so I am not home to keep control of everyone so, I have a mad parent on my door step just about every few months. My kids hit theirs or broke something or whatever! I am in the middle of taking him to court to give up custody. Hummm Have you ever heard of that?? I agree that the lying to everone sucks because all anyone says when I fuss about life is "well at least you have three wonderful kids" That is like saying well at least you have those hemorrhoids in your butt! I feel like the life is being sucked out of me slowly and he got a new lease on life well I got stuck with the [censored]. So I guess what I am saying is that if you and your partner feel you have made a mistake act now! The older the child gets the harder it will be due to guilt of the child remembering you. If one of you hits that point and wants out, the first one out wins their freedom back. Then you will feel real pressure and resentment towards the child and the x.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/09/09 02:22 AM

here's my sitch. i guess i'd eventually have a child then the hormones really kicked in late 30's got preg right away. i had given more thought about buying a sweater than raising a baby-child-teenager-adult. moved into a [censored] apt next to my boyfriend. was okay for a while and got with depression, regret, resentment and resistance. so now she's here. either: 1 i raise a child i don't want 2 leave her with the father who has a mountain of debt that i didn't know about 3 raise her together even if it's hard and she'll be disadvantaged compared to my peers kids 4 send her to live with my sister who is a teacher, very nurturing, wants kids and has agreed. however, the father won't let her go. 5 worst case scenario i believe my child is cursed. she is the first born of a first born mom, first born grandmom and first greatgrandmom and all our lives have sucked. i was never meant to be a mom and she's not suppose to be here!
Posted By: Cypher78

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/12/09 12:50 PM

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. I get so tired of hearing: "it's just post-partum," or "you're a horrible person and you should be greatful you have two healthy children." Rrrgh! I could go on a long tangent about my story, but mostly it would just be echoing what everyone else here said. I just get tired of hearing that my lack of maternal feelings towards my children is "unnatural" and "sick." I've never been a "baby" person. I think kids are fun when they're walking, talking, toilet-trained, and old enough to interact with on a meaningful level. Kindergarten age. The whole baby-stage is something I wish I could just fast-forward through. I look forward to when I can take my kids places and they'll be old enough to enjoy it and remember it. The "baby" stage feels like it lasts an eternity. I find it so tedious and unrewarding. I will however add that I'm glad I got both kids out of the way now rather than later. They were both mistakes, but my husband was ecstatic, and I know it wouldn't have gotten any more enjoyable for me if I'd waited. At least when I ship 'em off to college I'll still be young enough to get on with my life.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/12/09 08:25 PM

Wow, it's amazing how active this thread is. The following is an article I think many of you can identify with. [url=http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2044495.ece]I Wanted to be a Full-Time Mother[/url] For those who find that children mess up their marriages, it seems the common theme among those who better their marriages is that they make the effort to spend time with their spouse. For many, this is a big effort, and one mother on a radio talk show equaited it to "going to the gym," saying it's not something you want to do, but you feel so much better afterwards. It certainly doesn't sound romantic, but it's probably worth something considering.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/15/09 05:05 AM

I've just returned from the hospital and had my medication adjusted so I'm feeling a lot better. The father is in deep love with the daughter which is good. I'm sticking it out for as long as I can. Not much choice now. Thanks for listening.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/19/09 06:39 PM

Hello Madness !! I have been studying your post about your reference to the possibility of your child being cursed. It is very interesting to me the fact that you pointed out the state of your familys past three generations. My ears perked up immediately. There are probably not a lot of people that will agree with what I am going to tell you but it is nevertheless true. I am a mystic as my family has been for generations and what I know is that the firstborn daughter of a first born daughter coming from back three generations is spiritually gifted just as the 3rd daughter of a third daughter and the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter. Most familys are not that large anymore to see such a family extention. Cursed? on the contrary !!! Your child will grow up to be able to see deep into the spirit world and will, after going through life's hurdles, will end up helping many other people because of a compassionate nature. You don't have to believe this as many don't but the child is gifted. The reason for such unhappiness in your familys past is that there was no room made for the recognition of an enlightened nature in the chosen individual. Have you noticed anything different about the child as far as advanced maturity? You have something right in front of you that is hidden to the natural eye but not to the spiritual. Allow yourself to see it!!!!!! You will see it even greater in her advancing age. If this helps I am glad.
Posted By: SallyR

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/20/09 11:15 PM

No one here was forced to become a mother you all had the option of not becoming one at all. You choose to bear children for whatever reason and this is now your life. If you don't want your children have the courage to put them up for adoption. Kids aren't dumb and they *will* grow up knowing exactly how you really feel about them, I can imagine few things crueler than kids growing up knowing they are unloved and unwanted!
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/20/09 11:22 PM

Sally, I believe your above statement would only apply to those who would be okay with having an abortion, and many women are not okay with that. Not all women "chose" to have children, and not all women have the option of not becoming a mother.
Posted By: SallyR

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 01:00 AM

But they are OK with letting their kids know they are unloved, unwanted, and a burden in their lives? Ultimately it is always a choice to bear a child. Just because some believe it's against their ethics, doesn't mean they don't have a choice, they do, but they are allowing their ethics to make that choice. They still always have a choice in this country. The women in this thread who don't think their kids will know how they feel are completely deluding themselves. Kids always know. It is a truly wicked thing to bring a child into the world by default only to have it grow up knowing it is unloved, unwanted and unwelcome.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 01:09 AM

Sally, I agree that adoption is a good thing for a mom who's not ready. I think a lot of moms don't realize how hard it's really going to be though, and by that time, the thought of giving up their child would be too hard. Many of these moms, though they don't enjoy being a mom, "do" love their kids. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a parent to consider giving up a 2 or 3 year old - or older. If they feel no love for their child though, I agree that adoption would be a good choice - though ti would be very hard, for many different reasons. And again, I stand by my position that abortion is "not" an option for many women - whether it's available to them or not.
Posted By: SallyR

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 03:04 PM

[quote=DifferentKindofGirl]Sally, I agree that adoption is a good thing for a mom who's not ready. I think a lot of moms don't realize how hard it's really going to be though, and by that time, the thought of giving up their child would be too hard. Many of these moms, though they don't enjoy being a mom, "do" love their kids. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a parent to consider giving up a 2 or 3 year old - or older. If they feel no love for their child though, I agree that adoption would be a good choice - though ti would be very hard, for many different reasons. And again, I stand by my position that abortion is "not" an option for many women - whether it's available to them or not. [/quote] Well if their beliefs are so dead set against abortion that they force themselves to bear an unwanted child then it becomes a case of Bed. Made. Lie. At that juncture there is no point is publicly complaining about how much you loathe motherhood or dislike your kid. It is what they chose for their lives through their own actions or inaction. Instead of complaining online perhaps some time spent in counseling or parenting classes would be a better of of their time. They are going to be mother to these children until the day they die, they better learn how to deal with it.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 04:26 PM

Sally, I think counseling is a great idea. I agree that we should try to make the best of our situations in life, no matter what they might be. And as you said, abortion or not, adoption or not, these women made the choice to raise these children. Having said all this, I think many of these women truly are trying to make the best of their situations, and some, like the original poster, have made wonderful strides. For those that haven't, and even for those needing improvement, counseling would be a great idea. The OP had a counselor that gave her very disturbing advice about her child though (which she didn't agree with), so it's important to carefully chose and get recommendations.
Posted By: Susannah

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 04:50 PM

I've just been reading some of these posts and I'm appaled at women, whom have given birth and do not love their children. You should be utterly disgusted in yourselves. It is a gift to have a baby and these children DO NOT ASK TO BE BORN! From the moment of conception, you are an adult, so deal with! You should make every effort to make that child's life precious, not make it a living hell!! "Both accidents", yes children LOVE to hear that of themselves, it does so much for their self worth.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 04:54 PM

Susannah, If you continue reading, you will find that these women are "not" happy with the way they feel. Most of them are truly trying to be better mothers and to love their children. They have posted here looking for support - not a good bashing.
Posted By: AsphaltAnnie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 04:56 PM

I read where one girl had a baby because the love of her life wanted children and she was afraid she would lose him, sweetie he isn't the love of your life if you have to do something as major as having a child to keep him. Not a good reason to have kids.
How many women who have posted here will have more children out of guilt or because it is expected of them?
I have no children, because I learned at a young age,that kids are not for me. I raised my siblings and by the time I ws 20, I was ready for a break from taking care of kids. I am now 36 , married to an amazing man and we have no plans for kids, it would take away from this amazing love affair we have.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:03 PM

AsphaltAnnie, I believe I know which poster you're talking about, and while that was a big factor for her, I remember there being other reasons for her as well. It's great that you found a man to support your childfree life, and I'm sure many of the women posting here also which they had been so lucky. Had you fallen for a man who wanted children, who's to say what choice you would have made. We don't have the right to judge others, as we have not truly been in their shoes.
Posted By: AsphaltAnnie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:09 PM

Originally Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl
AsphaltAnnie,
I believe I know which poster you're talking about, and while that was a big factor for her, I remember there being other reasons for her as well.

It's great that you found a man to support your childfree life, and I'm sure many of the women posting here also which they had been so lucky. Had you fallen for a man who wanted children, who's to say what choice you would have made. We don't have the right to judge others, as we have not truly been in their shoes.



I was engaged to a wonderful man, who was successful, hot, wealthy, and every woman's dream. He would no compromise on the kids situation, I broke off our marriage 2 weeks before the date.It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Glad I did it, he did eventually marry and have kids. He married a friend of mine, she is home alone all the time with kids while his personal assitant and him are on business.
I have been in her shoes, true love is about compromise and never feeling the other persons live is based on something other than you.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:18 PM

AsphaltAnnie, You ROCK! Good for you for walking away. I can only imagine how tough that was for you. I've been in 2 similar situations (though it didn't get as far as engagement - I broke them off long before), with total dream guys, but like you, I followed my heart rather than what "society" would have chosen for me. I'd rather be alone than miserable with a gorgeous, wealthy man any day!!! haha It's interesting too that you got to see how the story played out.... and I'm glad you got your happy ending! This would be a great story to share on the Married CF board. Having said all this though, these women have already made their choices, so having this discussion is probably like preaching to the choir. Women are amazingly strong and resilient. It is my hope that these women here will embrace the choices they've made, come to love that they are mothers and can't imagine their lives any different. :)
Posted By: Charity - Roses

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:20 PM

I remember reading an article by a marriage counselor somewhere and it said that if one person in the marriage doesn't want a child then it's always a "no go."

The reason being that the person who wanted children and doesn't get them has the option to make other choices to fulfill themselves. They can travel, get a hobby, change jobs, do volunteer work with children, etc.

The other person in the marriage who didn't want the baby and now has one, has had all of the their options removed for travel, free time, work, etc. Their time and obligations have now been filled with something they didn't want.

It is something to think about. Adults need to speak up and be honest with each other. You're not just trying to "save a marriage." Your bringing a new human into the world. Children deserve to be brought into the world for the right reasons. Raising kids is hard enough without baggage. I know too many people who had kids to "save their marriage," and then got divorced anyway.

My advice would be to make the most of it and be the best mother you can be. I think if you start the actions your heart will follow in time. Your child deserves it. Whether this is something you wanted or not, it is a choice that you've made.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:30 PM

Charity - Roses, What a wise post. The mothers here have already chosen to be mothers of course, and can't go back, but maybe your words will help other married/engaged women currently deciding whether or not to have children in order to save their marriages. I love this quote of yours, "I think if you start the actions your heart will follow in time." This is so true!! Just as research has shown that "smiling" actually tricks your brain into thinking you're happy, and you in turn feel happier! Sometimes when we "act" a certain way, our hearts really do follow. I hope all the ladies here come across your wise words. "Acting" as though they're happy and loving their children (especially around their children) might be the very best action they can take. Marilu Henner once said, regarding energy, that "faking it" can often bring about the real thing. It's not magic, but it helps, and with time, great strides can be made. :) Let's keep our fingers crossed for these ladies - I'm rooting and praying for them. :)
Posted By: Susannah

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:32 PM

DifferentKindofGirl, I have seen what these 'mothers' have done to their children making it known to them consciously or unconsciously, that they are not exactly what they wanted for their lives. I say again, "they did not ask to be born" and what SallyR mentioned "Made...Bed...Lie!!!! You mention, "if I continue reading", then I will find out how unhappy, they are. Well 'BIG SHOCK', what about the little ones, "how happy are they ?" As, I also mentioned before, You are an adult when you have children, so stop belly aching about it and GROW UP & DEAL WITH THE SITUATION!!!!!
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 05:52 PM

Susannah, I completely agree that these women should *never* purposely let their children know they are unwanted. Of course, this is impossible 100% of the time for any women I would imagine, even for those who love being a mom, as being a mother will "always" have frustrations from time to time, and children will see this and possibly misinterpret. It's just a part of life. For these moms that are unhappy though in general about being a mom, I believe they should "fake" being happy around their children and make the best of their lives. You are right, they must deal with the choices they've made. It's not all about them anymore, they now have a new, precious life to think of that deserves to be loved and cared for. However, my heart still goes out to these ladies, and I think they need compassion and encouragement - but your words ring true as well. Adults must deal with and be responsible for the choices they make - especially when those choices affect others.
Posted By: Susannah

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 06:09 PM

DifferntKindofGirl, To say they "should fake being happy around their children", and have the audacity to believe their children are stupid enough to believe this, REALLY don't understand the psyche of children. Children are extremely perceptive to the moods and feelings of their parents. I feel sorry for the parent, whom thinks they are going to fool a child into believing that phooey!
Posted By: AsphaltAnnie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 06:14 PM

Being fake and acting happy, cures nothing and will not make anything better. You are short changing not only yourself but your loved ones, when you fake it. Children know everything that goes on.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 06:21 PM

Susannah and Asphalt Annie, What do you two suggest? Adoption I guess? I used to baby-sit a LOT growing up. I didn't always feel like it, and didn't always enjoy the children, but in those cases, I faked it. Why wouldn't I want to hide from a child that I wasn't having a good time? As far as they knew, I loved baby-sitting for them (and most of the time, I did). To say the kids adored me is an understatement. Maybe I'm just a really great actress? haha Anyway, I think it would be "much" better for these women AND the children if they "acted" happy, regardless of how they felt. I disagree that acting happy cures nothing. You should not use it to replace getting help, or discussing that there's a problem - of course not, but in the case of children, I think problems should be hidden from them. And, in the meantime, acting happy *can* help - studies have proven this. Google (smiling tricks the brain, happy) if you're interesting in studies/articles about this. **Fake it until you make it.** A motto I agree with. :)
Posted By: AsphaltAnnie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 06:31 PM

Fake people are not liked by many, or atleast not liked by genuine people. Wouldn't a child who grows up, rather know his mom was unhappy about her decision and admire her honesty, rather than know she faked it and had no respect to tell him the truth? Plus the mom is perpetuating the happiness mtyh if she lies. Maybe these women are in their situations because their mom's lied to them about parenthood and happiness. Why wish the same existance upon your own child? Why not do your best, and when the child is old enough explain how hard and lonely parenthood is? My suggestion is to not have anymore kids, you are unhappy, not to lie the child you have, and to do the best you can. If you can't do it, adoption is an option and I amdire any woman strong enough to admit she needs to give the child up for adoption.
The myth of how great motherhood is, is perpetuated by people who lie about it, why continue with this downward spiral of unhappiness? Be honest about it.
Posted By: Susannah

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 06:43 PM

Did you not comperhend? Children are VERY PERCEPTIVE! Let you in on a little secret, babysitting and having an actual child of your own, to raise and nurture into a valuable memder of society is, so far removed from each other, as to be farcsicle. Another little secret, anyone can find a site of a 'study', for such and such, to help put their point across! Some little words to the wise; Believe nothing of what you read and only half of what you see! Maybe a far better motto, to heed?
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/21/09 06:59 PM

AsphaltAnnie, Those are some really great points. I agree that when the children are older, the parents should be honest about how hard it is. My father, who I adore and who has given SO much of himself to be a great dad actually encourages me *not* to have children. He says once you have them, they become your life and you love them more than anything, but if you don't have them, and don't know what you're missing, life is a lot simpler and easier. I SO love him for being truthful with me. My mom goes back and forth on telling me what to do. haha But anyway, [b]I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes faking it can be necessary in order to spare others' feelings [/b](like children) - or to maintain harmony in a situation that can't be reasoned with (like with impossibly unreasonable people). I don't like fake people either, but sometimes it's the better alternative if there's no getting around whatever situation you're having to act fake in. I'm sure we'd all love to feel "genuinely" happy and loving all the time, but that's not realistic. As long as our "intentions" are good and genuine, I think that's what matters most. I guess what it gets down to is either let your child be adopted by a loving family, or vow to love you child and fake it if you have to. When the child grows up, you can then be honest about how hard it was... but even then, I'd tread the waters carefully there. Nobody wants to be told they were a total burden, right? Susannah, I comprehended what you said just fine - I just don't agree. We might have different ideas, but let not forget that we're both on same side here of wanting what's best for these kids. We can disagree, but there's no reason not to do so respectfully towards each other or without compassion towards these mothers. I wasn't comparing baby-sitting to raising children. I used it as an example to show that kids can be fooled and be none the wiser - I saw this for myself, and it at least appeared to work. You disagree - that's fine. You have a right to your opinion. Maybe you're right and I'm wrong. You are right in pointing out that not all studies are true. The best way to find out is to apply those studies to yourself and see what works. If I believed nothing of what I read, my life would be pretty sad. Anyway, we can continue this discussion if you'd like, but maybe there's no point, as we both disagree. Also, I won't continue this discussion unless it's done so respectfully. I'll respect your opinions if you respect mine. That doesn't mean we have to agree, but we can disagree kindly and with compassion, can we not? I've got to get going for now anyway - my happy garden is calling, and it's a beautiful day. :)
Posted By: Kaybee

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/22/09 11:40 AM

I am a little disturbed by some of the 'lecturing' that has gone on in this thread recently. Believe me, women who don't love motherhood feel horribly guilty every single day. Do we really need the 'Bed.Made.Lie' comments? How about some helpful advice like seeking out support, joining Mom's groups, using techniques that help calm and soothe a fussy baby? I think a lot of moms are just in shock at how hard raising kids can be. Nobody prepares them.They're fed a lot of myths about raising kids and then reality sets in. The husband or boyfriend pretty much keeps the same life he had while you become the household drudge. Face it, it's not a lot of fun sometimes. It does NOT mean we don't love our kids. It's a different thing to love your kids vs. loving parenthood. I found a great book by Susan Jeffers called 'I'm OK You're a Brat' which blows up a lot of myths about motherhood. I strongly suggest it for anyone who's struggling. Someone suggested it to ME and God bless them! It helped me feel so much better. For the ones who think we're disgusting people because we mourn some of the things we've lost, I can only hope you are in a position of helplessness and frustration someday and can realize how important COMPASSION really is.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/22/09 05:02 PM

Kaybee, Thank you for that wonderful post! Heartless, judgmental, compassionless posts will not help these ladies - they'll just make them feel even more hopeless I would imagine. I believe in these women, as you do, and they absolutely deserve our compassion and support - not only for their sakes, but also for their children's sakes! I'm sure we all remember the saying, "If Momma aint happy, aint Nobody happy!!" haha Thanks for taking a stand along with me. :) Love your suggestions and wanted to highlight them and add a little as well. Anyone else, please feel free to add to this list!!!! I know there are lots of great ideas out there! :) * [u]Seek out Support[/u] (Mom's groups -- Meetup.com, Church (though, church women might be less "open" about the hardships of motherhood?), etc.) * [u]Techniques to calm a fussy baby[/u] (How about the Baby Whisperer Series and books by Dr. Williams Sears, who also has a great website with helpful articles) * [u]Book: "I'm OK You're a Brat[/u]" by Susan Jeffers (check out reviews at Amazon.com) * [u]Library[/u] -- Lots of helpful parenting books there!! Complete Idiots Guides/Dummies books usually get straight to the point. * [u]Maintain Your Health[/u] -- Proper Nutrition (lots of nutrient-rich plant foods), Sleep, Sunshine, Exercise, Relaxation. I would imagine it's a lot easier to be a happy mommy if you feel good and know you're in control of your health. Healthy food is very satisfying and easy once you learn the ropes. * [u]Get Organized[/u]! -- Flylady.net, etc. Idiots/Dummies books have several on these. Being organized will give you a feeling of being more in control and can even give a sense of euphoria. Make yourself a notebook with a daily routine and what has to be done each day to maintain order. * [u]Time with Friends/Family[/u] -- It's important to have your social support Group! That can be either a group of friends, just one or two close friends, etc. Some just need one good friend they can trust - it just depends. :) * [u]ME Time[/u] -- Spend some time for yourself whether it's socializing, working towards personal goals, hobbies, music, etc. Carve out "at least" 5 minutes a day to meditate, listen to relaxing music, etc. Okay.... better stop brainstorming for now before this list becomes Mt. Everest!!! Anyone else with ideas, please post!! :)
Posted By: AsphaltAnnie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/22/09 07:04 PM

I am curious as I try to understand what each woman is going through, so I have a few questions.
1. When did you realize you disappointment with motherhood? What sparked this disappointment? How old was your child when you started having these feelings? Has your mental state improved after talking about it? Is your husband aware of thee feelings? Does he support you? Does he feel the same way? Have you considered a vacation without the family? A chance to find yourself again and have some rest.
Thanks in advance for helping me understand.
Posted By: Castionima

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/22/09 10:19 PM

Hello Moms, My mom probably would have fit right in on this thread about hating being a mom, and you know what? I am fine! I love my mom, she loves me, and we are totally ok! I just wanted all of you moms who do not enjoy parenting to know that you are not destroying your children just because you are bored and depressed, in spite of what some of the lecturing replies on this thread tell you! Of course, you should seek help and support, but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to be perfect in order for your kids to be fine. My mom was terribly depressed when we were kids, BUT WE HAD NO IDEA. She faked it, and it worked! She was a stay at home mom, she baked bread, she cleaned the house, cooked meals from scratch, and did all of the physical things that needed to be done. She just seemed busy and serious to me, but not in a bad way. She did not read to us or play with us, but it did not seem strange to me at all. She was there, she loved me, she took care of me. I felt safe and loved. I was independent, and I played quietly by myself a lot, creating little worlds with toys, and reading a lot of books. Much later, when I was an adult, she told me that back then, she thought about suicide, was very depressed, and felt trapped. This does not seem odd to me because it is absolutely how I would feel if I had kids (which I never will, for that reason). All of this is, of course, sad, but it does not change the fact that she loves me, so it does not make me feel unloved. I am almost 40 and my brother is older. She has said that she felt terribly guilty about the whole thing, and we were shocked. I couldn't see what there was to feel guilty about. She (and my dad, who also does not enjoy children but is a great dad) did everything they needed to do for us. I think back in the 60s-70s, people were not as overwrought about feeling the need to read 10 bedtime stories to kids and play games with them and do constant activities. That is more of a contemporary thing. Many of us grew up without this level of attention and we are fine! One thing I will say: My parents hardly ever fought, and they are still happily married, but on the couple of occasions that there was tension between them, that was a lot more stressful to me than being left to entertain myself! My best friend's parents were much more doting than mine, but her parents went through a horrible divorce, and she was so much worse off than I was for a long, long time. My parents were very strict disciplinarians because they did not enjoy dealing with kids being gross at the dinner table, disobeying, etc. Again, this did not seem odd to me at all, and I was very turned off by kids I knew who were allowed to walk all over their parents. My parents never hit me, but they were extremely firm and I almost never stepped out of line. My home seemed like a very calm place because I knew what was expected of me. We were also not breastfed, because my mom found the idea horrifying, and we are totally fine. We are both extremely healthy and did well in school, my brother is a competitive athlete, and I have an advanced degree. So, please, on top of the fact that you are depressed and do not enjoy parenting, do not drown in guilt. I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mom that I would be fine. I really feel for all of you and I am so glad you found a place here for support. I think all of the people who have posted here just to lecture you are missing the point. I wish my mom had had something like this when we were kids.
Posted By: Andso?

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/24/09 01:34 AM

I like you.... I am CF and yet, I feel encouraged by this post. Good on you. We are who we are, aren't we, and isn't it great when a person reaches out and says....Help me. Thanks Castionima. My mom wanted kids... she says she wanted a dozen, only had 4 of us.... I don't ever remember her reading to me....she had me at 42. Love her, but not exactly a Mary Poppins. I often confronted her about even having me...but here I am.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/24/09 12:03 PM

Susannah: if you have no understanding for women who post here, maybe you should run away to the happy moms threads.

DifferentKindofGirl: you are absolutely right. If you don't want a child but had one you have to do your best to hide it. And you are right: babies and children are not that perceptive. A smile is a smile no matter what. I felt very little for my son the first months but did everything as if (except breast-feeding, which I find disgusting) My child is now 2 and he is the happiest kid in the world. If I had shown what I felt to him I do not want to know how he would be now.

Castionima: great post, and it proves DifferentKindofGirl and myself right about the "faking".
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/25/09 06:27 AM

Solalux, Thanks for yet one more validating post about how "faking" it with kids really can work! I'm happy that it's worked so well for you. Your posts are so helpful, by the way. They are very revealing, and I know they have been helpful to so many women both in your position and those contemplating having children. I'm so glad your little boy is such a happy child, and I so admire people like you that despite it not being natural or easy to be a happy mom, you're being strong and playing that role for your child anyway. I believe true heroes are those people in life who don't have it as easy as everyone else but who persevere and do their best anyway. You're an awesome example, and I think your son is really lucky. :)
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/26/09 11:34 AM

Thank you so very much for your post. It is great to find so much understanding and support in such a delicate issue :-)
Posted By: Mary - Irish Culture

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/26/09 03:12 PM

What a heartbreaking thread this has been for me to read, but it proves once again that it does take a village to raise a child.

My mom had a lot of children and loved us all pretty equally (OK, she liked the boys better, but dad loved the girls, so it balanced out. And then, when we became teenagers, they switched!) But without all the aunts and uncles and visiting cousins, I don't think either of them would ever have had a moment for themselves.

I do understand how a person could feel that they wished a child had never been born. I felt this, guiltily, about most of my younger brothers and sisters. They wore me to a frazzle. (Some still do, if you want to know the truth...but I love every one of them.)

I think that it's the intensity of the responsibility that is causing most of the unhappiness. Some people have colicky babies, and these even scare me. I don't know how I would have handled it if I had had a difficult child. (Probably not well, since the one I did have was incredibly easy-going, and I was still stretched to my limit raising him.)

Sometimes it is the inevitability of labor that frightens a body nearly to death. I can remember during labor a feeling that there was no escape. Never had I felt so trapped. I was tied down on a table, wired for sound, and in agony, and there was no stopping it until finally the doc decided to do a C-section. If I tried, I could conjure up that feeling even today, 18 years later. Had it persisted, I would have wanted to leave my child somewhere to escape the dread.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as these children grow, they will become less dependent and more companionable. You will be proud of their accomplishments because you worked so hard to help them achieve them.

One thing I do know, though, is that if you want to love your child, you will. Even if you don't now, if you want to, you will grow into it. Children are nature-designed to be physically appealing just so our ancestors didn't leave them behind when they changed caves. Granted, sometimes they can behave so abominably that you might want to leave them on the steps of the church, but that's where your village comes in. In a large family and community, mothers, grands, aunts, friends, etc. all help each other to raise their children. If you're doing it all yourself, you're exhausted. If you don't have the support of a family and/or friends, please try to cultivate relationships with helpful, loving people. You may still feel overwhelmed at times, even most of the time, but over time and with love, you may find that your little one will love you more than you've ever been loved in your life.

God bless all the struggling mothers.

Posted By: Cypher78

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/28/09 01:30 AM

Some people in marriage chose not to go through adoption because their partner does not want to give up the kids. Same thing with abortion-in-marriage. Some women have no idea how much they will struggle with motherhood until they are in it. Others have no idea how much they'll love it. Adoption is a choice, but if both parents are married, and one does not want to put the baby up, that leaves two essentially options: separation, or the mother-in-question decides to stay and try to make it work despite her personal feelings towards the whole "motherhood" bit. On here I can't say I've read any posts that have the tone of a woman being -proud!- she does not like her role of mother. This isn't one of those "i hate babies" topics; more it's "I don't enjoy motherhood, what do I do?" The majority of women here are looking for support, to find coping mechanisms that will help them fulfil their child's needs. For better or worse, the women here have chosen not to abandon their children, and I'd say the majority of them are looking for ways to make it work. Unplanned pregnancies happen, even on birth control (or -after!- a tubal ligation!). If a woman was not planning to have children -- or any more children -- and still gets pregnant despite taking precations (like tube-tying!), is it reasonable to expect two married partners to live together and not be intimate? Honestly?
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/28/09 02:02 AM

Originally Posted By: Cypher78

On here I can't say I've read any posts that have the tone of a woman being -proud!- she does not like her role of mother. This isn't one of those "i hate babies" topics; more it's "I don't enjoy motherhood, what do I do?"


This is a very good point. The Moms on here are suffering. The whole title of this thread is "Need Support - I hate being a Mom". Women have been brought up knowing how they are supposed to feel about motherhood, and when those feelings wind up being drastically different - for whatever reason, society either blames them, shuns them, or ignores them. There is very little help for them.

I was thinking about the "it takes a village" thing, too. People are so mobile these days. Families don't grow up right next door to their parents and grandparents anymore (well, sometimes - but not as much as in the past). Many couples live clear across the continent from any family members. And we feel like we are imposing by asking neighbors or friends to help out. Even churches are not as helpful as they should be in many cases.

The biggest thing is to make it not so tabboo for women to seek help and support. For women not to be looked at as lepers when they don't automatically feel like "Mommy" right away.
Posted By: Madness

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/28/09 11:31 PM

Latest update: I have signed legal custody over to the father. I am moving out on the weekend to my aunt's. I have visitation but I'm not sure if I'm even interested. I can't fake who I am or be forced to do something I don't want to. Note to self: no more big decisions in life that hurt myself or others!
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/29/09 10:58 AM

Madness,

That took an incredible amount of courage and strength. There may be people who won't see it that way - but always know that those of us here do.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/29/09 05:16 PM

Madness, I think you have courage as well. Reminds me of a recent episode of Desperate Housewives in with Edie gave up her son to live with his father. She confessed to it being hard, but she couldn't see herself as a mom and knew it was the best thing for her son. I'm sure a lot of moms identified with her character at that moment. It's certainly not ideal for anyone involved, but that doesn't mean it's not what's best for everyone involved. I looked up the DH website, and they had a recap of that moment. This is how it went down. [quote]The van arrived at its destination, and Edie's friends must tell her son, Travers, that his mother is dead. Lynette tells him about Edie's accident: "I am so sorry, but she passed away." Travers insists he's fine, and that he has to get to class. "I'm sorry she's dead, but we weren't very close. My mom didn't even try to raise me," he says bitterly, and Karen grabs him by his prep school tie to tell him his mother did love him. She reveals how Edie found her drinking one day, on the anniversary of her son's death. "Nothing worse than losing a child," Karen said, telling Edie, "You're lucky you don't have any." Edie confessed that she did, but that she never saw him because he lived with his father. "I gave him up because I wanted to protect him," she insisted. "From who?" Karen asked "From me! I tried to be a good mom, I really did. But if he was going to grow up normal, he needed to get away from me," she stated, saying she just wanted to give him a chance. "I love him enough to let him hate me," she revealed. Karen poured her a drink: "I hope you're not making a big mistake." "Me too," said Edie.[/quote] Source:abc.go.com/primetime/desperate/index?pn=recap#
Posted By: Cypher78

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/08/09 05:34 PM

[quote=Spirituality&SFFMoviesEd]I was thinking about the "it takes a village" thing, too. People are so mobile these days. Families don't grow up right next door to their parents and grandparents anymore (well, sometimes - but not as much as in the past). Many couples live clear across the continent from any family members. And we feel like we are imposing by asking neighbors or friends to help out. Even churches are not as helpful as they should be in many cases.[/quote] That is the truth. We live on the other side of the country from any of my or my husband's family. There are neighbors on my block, but everyone all lives in their own little worlds, pre-occupied by their own lives. My family can't take a several-hour plane trip across country just to visit of babysit for the evening; and I don't feel comfortable knocking on the door of someone who is at best an acquaintence and saying: "Hi, I don't even know your name, but can you babysit my kids for the evening?" My biggest problem with motherhood has been I never bonded to my children. My first pregnancy was unplanned (and as some might see from my previous posts I assumed birth control which had worked faithfully for years would continue to work) I had a lot to struggle with. I never felt any connection to my first-born from the moment I realized I was pregnant. The contraceptives I was on eliminated my period, so I had no indication other than weight gain until I started to show definative pregnancy signs. Being pregnant got me passed by for a lucrative promotion, which left a very bitter taste in my mouth. My husband wanted to keep our child, so we decided not to put him up for adoption. Religion-wise, abortion was not an option. I was not ready for a child emotionally. I knew that bonding would be an issue, so I started going to counseling -- both through my Church and through a normal shrink. I took parenting classes, and I tried to be prepared in every way possible. After my son was born I had a tubal. I waited the healing time before "doing the deed" again. I followed the precautions. I didn't want any more children as I was already struggling with relating to him. Long and short: My tubal failed, I got pregnant again. I do better with my second child than my first, but I still don't relate well to either of them. I feel bad for my first son because he's probably had the brunt of my motherhood frustrations put on him. For a while, my husband and I lived apart after my first son was born. I just couldn't be around him. Though I was still going to counseling, everything I did in the sessions went out the window as soon as I got home. I realized it was best my husband and I put some distance between us so my son could grow up in a stable environment, and not have to deal with someone like me. My husband and I didn't get a divorce, and I didn't officially sign over custody, but even now that we're living together again it's rough. I don't mind doing the physical needs stuff: laundry, changing the younger's diapers, cleaning the house, picking up toys, that sort of stuff... but the emotional aspect: snuggles, storytime, playtime: I can't fake it well enough to even fool a three-year old. My husband and I don't want a divorce, but our relationship has definately been strained. My family has essentially ostracized me for my non-maternal views, and refuses to speak to me until I "love my babies." It's not that I don't love my children... I just don't love being their mother :-(
Posted By: LynneT

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/08/09 05:57 PM

I feel for you... please don't feel you are alone. Not everyone has the warm fuzzy feelings. A couple of suggestions... have you talked to your doctor? it sounds as if you may be suffering from depression. Secondly, is there a "Mom's group" in your town (the library may be a good place to ask...). You may not like it... the thought of even more kids around may put you off! But on the other hand, you will network with other moms, maybe be able to find a reliable babysitter, or exchange a couple of hours with someone. Also, it sounds as if you are meeting tour kids' physical needs... you might find as they get older, you get closer to them. Young children are very demanding... older children can share in wider experiences, hobbies... whatever you have going on. Chances are, one day your older child will do or say something that will make you really melt but even then it won't be easy.
Posted By: Jellyroll

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/08/09 06:15 PM

I find these posts so incredibly sad and heart wrenching. It's so hard to read what some of you are going through. I just want to thank you all for sharing your experiences and emotions. It has helped me in my baby decision which I have been deciding on for five years. I will not have children simply because I know I will not be happy. And in turn, will make my poor children unhappy. Although I feel I will be very hands on mom because I love kids in general, feeling burdened or overwhelmed will affect my relationship with my kids. Being clinically depressed and sick all the time wouldn't help either. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel bad or guilty for my decision. It's my life, no one, not even my dear darling husband has any say in it. If it means that we would have to break apart one day, so be it.
Posted By: Buckeyemom

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/13/09 06:01 PM

I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Don't get me wrong I love my son and now that he is here I don't want anything to happen to him and I want nothing but the best for him. The only problem is, I don't enjoy being a mother. I never was crazy about kids or babies but I figured that I would feel differently when it was my own child. At first my husband said it was because breastfeeding was so difficult and then he attributed my unhappiness at home to the fact that I was working at a job I hated. Well my child will be one year old next week, breastfeeding did get better, and I quit my job but I still don't enjoy being a mom. Everyone assumes that as a woman that is our big accomplishment in life, that is all we live for. I gave up a promising career in the military just to have a kid and now I don't know if this is the life I want. I hear so many woman talk about how much they love being a mom and they couldn't imagine not being with them. I just can't relate. To make matters worse, I am now a fulltime SAHM so this is all I do all day long. I feel so guilty for feeling this way because my little man is such a good baby and he doesn't deserve a mother who feels this way but I don't know what to do. I tried joining a MOPS group but clearly for a woman who isn't into kids that was not the best group for me. I just feel so alone.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/13/09 07:07 PM

Buckeyemom, I'm so sorry for your struggles. :( I hope you will find support here on the forum. Certainly, you can see that you're not alone. I think you should of course follow your heart. Perhaps being a SAHM mom isn't for you, and maybe that's something to give some serious thought? I'm not a mom, but regardless of what someone is going through, I always like to remind people to remind themselves of what they're thankful for. So long as one's brain chemistry is functioning properly (serotonin, etc), this little gratitude exercise can really give one a boost. If your brain chemistry is off, exercise (at least 10 min of high-intensity daily), sunshine (especially in the morning), fish oil, vitamin D, good sleep, and high-nutrient foods all greatly help. I know there are a lot of moms who would think it an absolute luxury to get to stay home with their little one in the comfort of their home. Perhaps you can sit down with a list, write down what you're thankful for, and also think of additional things that might add fun, joy and laughter to your day? It could be something as simple as going outside to smell the roses with your son, taking a short walk, listening to music that inspires or relaxes you, learning to play an instrument, etc. Once you have a grasp on the things that bring you a sprinkle of joy during the day, find a way to incorporate them into your daily or weekly routine. Write this routine out and look at it daily - it can be your little happiness reminder. :) Your can also add your daily tasks to this routine, such as waking up and unloading the dishwasher. Routines help to create a sense of well-being in our lives. So, instead of doing things haphazardly, find a way to turn your tasks into a routine. FlyLady.com has lots of great tips for this! Also, this may sound silly, but remind yourself to smile. When we smile, our brains are actually "tricked" into thinking we're happy...and, we in turn, feel happier. :)
Posted By: SickSophie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/15/09 06:08 PM

[quote=Castionima]Hello Moms, My mom probably would have fit right in on this thread about hating being a mom, and you know what? I am fine! I love my mom, she loves me, and we are totally ok! I just wanted all of you moms who do not enjoy parenting to know that you are not destroying your children just because you are bored and depressed, in spite of what some of the lecturing replies on this thread tell you! Of course, you should seek help and support, but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to be perfect in order for your kids to be fine. My mom was terribly depressed when we were kids, BUT WE HAD NO IDEA. She faked it, and it worked! She was a stay at home mom, she baked bread, she cleaned the house, cooked meals from scratch, and did all of the physical things that needed to be done. She just seemed busy and serious to me, but not in a bad way. She did not read to us or play with us, but it did not seem strange to me at all. She was there, she loved me, she took care of me. I felt safe and loved. I was independent, and I played quietly by myself a lot, creating little worlds with toys, and reading a lot of books. Much later, when I was an adult, she told me that back then, she thought about suicide, was very depressed, and felt trapped. This does not seem odd to me because it is absolutely how I would feel if I had kids (which I never will, for that reason). All of this is, of course, sad, but it does not change the fact that she loves me, so it does not make me feel unloved. I am almost 40 and my brother is older. She has said that she felt terribly guilty about the whole thing, and we were shocked. I couldn't see what there was to feel guilty about. She (and my dad, who also does not enjoy children but is a great dad) did everything they needed to do for us. I think back in the 60s-70s, people were not as overwrought about feeling the need to read 10 bedtime stories to kids and play games with them and do constant activities. That is more of a contemporary thing. Many of us grew up without this level of attention and we are fine! One thing I will say: My parents hardly ever fought, and they are still happily married, but on the couple of occasions that there was tension between them, that was a lot more stressful to me than being left to entertain myself! My best friend's parents were much more doting than mine, but her parents went through a horrible divorce, and she was so much worse off than I was for a long, long time. My parents were very strict disciplinarians because they did not enjoy dealing with kids being gross at the dinner table, disobeying, etc. Again, this did not seem odd to me at all, and I was very turned off by kids I knew who were allowed to walk all over their parents. My parents never hit me, but they were extremely firm and I almost never stepped out of line. My home seemed like a very calm place because I knew what was expected of me. We were also not breastfed, because my mom found the idea horrifying, and we are totally fine. We are both extremely healthy and did well in school, my brother is a competitive athlete, and I have an advanced degree. So, please, on top of the fact that you are depressed and do not enjoy parenting, do not drown in guilt. I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mom that I would be fine. I really feel for all of you and I am so glad you found a place here for support. I think all of the people who have posted here just to lecture you are missing the point. I wish my mom had had something like this when we were kids. [/quote] I could thank you every second of every day for this post for the next 100 years and it would still not express the gratitude I feel. I really feel a lot better after reading this. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!! Signed: 30 year old frustrated first time single mother of a 5 month old
Posted By: LONEPARENT

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/16/09 02:20 AM

I have moments when I feel like you do, like what I am I doing being a mom, but the happy moments outway the bad. I mostly feel like maybe being a mom wasnt the right decision for me when I am the only one tending to her needs and get extremely overwhelmed because her father is so dettached from us. He works all the time and often uses work and his money as a way to excuse himself from parenting. Not fun. Best thing that I can suggest is get your "me" time and your husband time. Taking care of yourself insures that you will be a better parent to your child on a more regular basis. This is a hard lesson learned. So keep trecking :)
Posted By: mum04

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/28/09 11:35 AM

I have just read most of this thread and feel wholeheartedly for all the struggling mums out there. It is so true to say that it is a taboo to say how hard it can be to cope with the constant demands of your own kids. Last year I had a very traumatic pregnancy and delivery of unplanned twins (we already have two boys and I felt the family was complete). Now as a mum of 4 I find most days a battle with myself to stay upbeat and laugh off the huge pressure I am now under. My family does not live nearby and I get no help until my hubbie returns and yes I have found it v hard to enjoy really being a mum, playing with the kids almost never happens and if i do i'm thinking what i should be getting on with. I can't help but think how much easier life could have been without them, I know things will get better but it will still be 3 years at least before I get some semblance of a life back. I don't want to resent them as I know we are lucky but every day is a real strain and the only time I feel like me is when someone takes them for an hour or two and i only have to cope with the older two.
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/28/09 03:37 PM

Originally Posted By: Cypher78
My family has essentially ostracized me for my non-maternal views, and refuses to speak to me until I "love my babies."

It's not that I don't love my children...

I just don't love being their mother



I thought this was a perfect way to phrase the frustration that many mothers feel. Great distinction Cypher78
Posted By: Navigaar

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/28/09 04:00 PM

I just don't FEEL that maternal instinct towards human babies. I never have. I have no desire to have a baby and can't anyway. I had no siblings so I wasn't around any babies growing up and I never babysat.

Not every female wants to be a mother. Some females SHOULDN'T have babies. The only babies I feel that way towards are animals. I love them with passion. It's just THERE. I WANT to take care of them, spend time with them, play with them. I just don't FEEL that way towards human babies. My pets while growing up were my babies, friends, siblings. I spent most of my time alone.

I think the the ONLY reason a woman should have a baby is if SHE really wants one. If the desire isn't there no amount of talking, cajoleing or convincing is going to put it there. SHE is the one whose life is changed forever. SHE is the one totally responsible for every aspect of that little person's life until they are 18. It's HER life and SHE has the last say. I would never try to tell a woman she'll grow into loving being a Mum. No one can tell you this. I'm sorry if this offends anyone but this is how I feel.

It was obvious to me that my Mum didn't want me. She said she did but I don't ever remember her saying I Love You to me. We never had any close or tender moments. She was very harsh and cold towards me and shipped me off frequently with anyone who would take care of me. She provided the basics, barely, but as for loving me, didn't happen. It just wasnt there. She wanted to do other things. She travelled quite a bit, had lots of friends and was very social. I was always on the back burner. I never felt loved by her.

I know that because of this I have great difficulties with interpersonal relationships. I can never get close to anyone. I really don't trust anyone. The person who I should have been able to trust completely wasn't ever on my side. She didn't love me and I felt it. Just like when someone DOES love you, you feel it.

Now, as an adult, whenever anyone shows me kindness or Love, it makes me cry. It's just too much for me to handle.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/28/09 04:14 PM

Navigaar, I am so sorry to hear your story of growing up. I couldn't help but chiming in. Every child deserves to have love. Of course, I'm sure you realize that your mother's treatment towards you had nothing at all to do with "you" but everything to do with "her." Your mother may not have had that nurturing instinct, but it surely doesn't mean that others don't. I have no doubt that you are a person worthy of love and respect, and it "is" something you can find. I hope you will work on allowing yourself to be open to that concept. Perhaps some therapy work - cognitive behavioral therapy to change your outlook, counseling, self-help books, emotional freedom therapy, etc. You might consider looking into the book, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns. It's a favorite among cognitive therapists and can be bought used on Amazon for less than $1. It might help with slowly changing your outlook and overcoming those feelings are not wanting to get close to anyone. And, whether you believe it or not, tell yourself every day that you are a person worthy of love and respect... and say it like you mean it. Studies show that our brains start to believe what we tell them. :)
Posted By: Navigaar

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/30/09 02:29 AM


Thanks for that nice response to my post. I felt strange just throwing it all out there like I did. for sure I thought I'd get some flack for it.

I have been to many counsellors and also took psychology in college as my major JUST to try to understand all that had happened to me. it helped me a lot. I know it had more to do with HER than with me. I was just a kid TRYING to grow up with a monster. She was so nice to everyone else but me. And when I tried to tell anyone the way she treated me when we were alone, no one would believe me. It was very frustrating since with me alone she was a diffent person. Mommy Dearest times 10 kind of a thing.

Well, it's all over now. She has passed away. She always said when she died I'd miss her but I didn't and still don't. When she died it was like I was released from a prison.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/30/09 05:02 PM

Navigaar, Wow, I can't imagine what you went through. I'm so sorry for that. Good for you for empowering yourself to better understand and cope with what you dealt with. Any chance you might look into cognitive behavior therapy or emotional freedom therapy? Many people get great success with both of those.
Posted By: Navigaar

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/31/09 12:18 AM



I'm O.K.
Posted By: fluffernutter6

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/04/09 12:18 PM

I've been reading this thread for a couple of days now, wanted to comment. I too hate most of motherhood. I love my kids, but am overwhelmed with the soul crushing monotony & routine. Ironically, I fought hard to have kids: 3.5 years of infertility treatments that almost didn't work. Our last IVF cycle resulted in a twin pregnancy I was able to carry to term. Our family was finally complete. My twins are now three, and I struggle every day to meet their basic needs in a loving manner. I am constantly grumpy, impatient and frustrated with perfectly normal toddler behavior. To add icing to the cake, I'm now 23 weeks pregnant. Doctors told us we'd never get pregnant on our own, much less with our own eggs, so I wasn't as careful with birth control as I should have been. I wanted to have an abortion, but my husband said "no way," so here I am, pregnant with a child I really don't want. I would give the baby up for adoption, but again, husband says no. To illustrate what a horrible person I am, every day I hope for a miscarriage. After battling infertility and having miscarriages I know what an awful, awful thought that is, but I can't help it. I am beyond trapped. Before I got pregnant I was able to look forward and see my twins growing to be more independent, but now all I see is that I have to start over with another baby at age 40. I'm exhausted all the time and it's only going to get worse. Every day is a struggle just to maintain & function. I spend a lot of time crying, and am not the mother I want to be to my twins. Their dad is a wonderful dad, but works 60-70 hours a week and travels a lot, so they're stuck with me for most of the time. I do have help from a babysitter 6 to 10 hours a week, but it never feels like enough. If I had the money, I'd have a full time nanny & let her handle the kids. Medication will be an option after the baby is born and if I wean early, but bottom line: a pill isn't going to change my situation. As much as I try to find options, there are none. This is my life and there's nothing I can do about it. I liked the earlier commenters saying to "bloom where you're planted," and I will certainly try to do so. It's not likely to work, though, when every day is a struggle just to not fall apart, much less have a positive attitude. I have so many things to be thankful for, it just makes me feel like that much more of a shitheel for not being happy. My kids & husband deserve better and I don't know how to give it to them. I hate my life. It all seems so hopeless. My poor kids.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/04/09 06:33 PM

Fluffernutter6,
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. frown It sounds to me like much of it may be due to mental/physical exhaustion on your part and perhaps some depression as well? Perhaps this is all due to just feeling overwhelmed with everything. If so, then I'm going to throw you a rope that hopefully will help you to climb out! Have you heard of flylady.net? She is very helpful to women, especially moms who are struggling to keep it all together, and a lot of her stuff is geared towards children as well by helping them get involved and have fun with clean up, etc. Anyway, when you get organized and feel on top of things, it does amazing things for your sense of well-being! If you're exhausted, it's more important than ever to stay on top of things each day to avoid everything crashing down on you at once. FlyLady also has a radio show that you might enjoy.

Are you making sure to take care of "you?" To best take care of your family, you have to make sure you are also taking care of yourself. Are you taking time for yourself each day to just relax? Perhaps just 5 minutes, at different times of the day, of laying down to some peaceful music.

Do/Find things you enjoy. Make music a part of your life - music that you find peaceful, happy and uplifting. How about movies/tv shows that both your children "and you" enjoy? A short walk outside with your kids? Nature feeds one's soul! smile

Try to take in every moment - whether you think you're having fun or not, each life moment is a gift and one you'll never get back. Instead of thinking of the future or the past, try to be in the moment. Take everything in - the sounds, the smells, the colors around you, etc - and try to enjoy it. Remind yourself of what you're thankful for. Try to see the world through your kids eyes. smile

Exercising? If not, you can start with baby-steps - just 5 min. the first day if you want. Try to work up to at least 10 min of high intensity exercise a day - this is what's needed for the serotonin boost.

This link gives more tips on staying positive: What Keeps You Positive?

I hope things get better for you, and I'm certain that they can. smile
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/04/09 06:53 PM

^ I also want to add that for music, movie soundtracks are soooo wonderful. There is such deep emotion and meaning expressed in them - perhaps you can connect to those same emotions while listening. If you're not yet familiar with these composers, you might try checking out a few of them on Youtube.com. Below are some of my favorites.... but there are lots of good ones out there! smile

Alan Silvestri
James Horner
Jerry Goldsmith
John Barry
John Williams
Posted By: HowDoEyeHelp

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/18/09 05:50 PM

I think my wife is losing her mind, and I don't know what to do. She is a stay at home, mother of 3. They are 6, 3 and 1. I work longer hours, but go in very early so that I can be home by 5:30 pm. She says that she just hates being a Mom, hates having someone hanging on her all the time, hates cleaning up after them, and I'll admit me sometimes. I try to help as much as I can around the house, I give the kids their baths each night, and put them to bed. I am not a clean person by nature or upbringing, but I've made some real strides over the last couple of years, and am trying to help. I've tried sending roses, cleaning bathrooms, encouraging her to go back to work, go back to school, but she calls me at least once a week in tears. It's upsetting because I want to help, but it's affecting my job. I don't want to be un-sensitive, but this is what pays the bills, and I can't take 3-6 calls a day to tell me what brats the kids are. It's hard for me to relate, because I love my kids, love spending time with them, and wish I could do more of it. I was hoping in a forum like this you might be able to help, or at least give me some ideas about how to make her life better. Thanks in advance.
Posted By: Claybird

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/21/09 12:23 AM

Being a SAHM is really difficult, as I know from experience. You never seem to get anywhere, as soon as some job is finished it needs to be done all over again, and there are always more things to do than you can handle.
Is there any way that she can get away from it all once in a while? Is there something that she would like to try, take an art or craft class once a week, anything that gets her out of the house and away from the kids for a couple of hours a week doing something she likes? Is there a club she can join, a group that she would like to be part of?
My sanity preserver was singing in a choir, the weekly practises got me out of the house and interacting with adults, doing something I loved. Those few hours a week made such a big difference in my life. I hope that your wife can find something that means as much to her.
Posted By: Jellyroll

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/21/09 02:43 AM

Originally Posted By: HowDoEyeHelp
I think my wife is losing her mind, and I don't know what to do. She is a stay at home, mother of 3. They are 6, 3 and 1. I work longer hours, but go in very early so that I can be home by 5:30 pm. She says that she just hates being a Mom, hates having someone hanging on her all the time, hates cleaning up after them, and I'll admit me sometimes. I try to help as much as I can around the house, I give the kids their baths each night, and put them to bed. I am not a clean person by nature or upbringing, but I've made some real strides over the last couple of years, and am trying to help. I've tried sending roses, cleaning bathrooms, encouraging her to go back to work, go back to school, but she calls me at least once a week in tears. It's upsetting because I want to help, but it's affecting my job. I don't want to be un-sensitive, but this is what pays the bills, and I can't take 3-6 calls a day to tell me what brats the kids are. It's hard for me to relate, because I love my kids, love spending time with them, and wish I could do more of it. I was hoping in a forum like this you might be able to help, or at least give me some ideas about how to make her life better.

Thanks in advance.


Oh goodness. I'm so sorry you're both stuck in this situation. I can somewhat relate to your wife. I have clinical depression and I'm currently a housewife and even without kids, the house chores and a husband can drive one mad. I can only imagine how hectic and chaotic my life would be if I had three small children on me. I don't think I would make it.

It's great that you help your wife when you can but understand something, her job is never done. She probably feels trapped and there's just no way out for her. She needs to feel free in a sense. If it's possible, perhaps she can find somewhere to go either every day or every week. Somewhere where other parents are to help ease her stress. Or give her a day out of the week to go out either on her own or with you. Or hire a babysitter if you can afford it. Any helping hand should improve the situation and ease her stress.

She desperately needs to de-stress. I'm sure you do as well, but it seems that's she's in a more desperate position right now. I just hope you can continue to be strong and supportive for as long as she needs you to be.

Understand that I'm sure your wife loves the children. She's just dealing with too much to be able to enjoy them.

Your wife could also be depressed. And that is going to take a lot of work to get over. Keep an eye out on her and her behavior since it may become destructive without you even realizing it.

I hope things are able to get better over time for the two of you. Please keep us updated.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/21/09 04:19 AM

HowDoEyeHelp,

Wow, I'm so sorry for your family's situation. I think you have been given some great advice.

The idea for her to take some time for herself once a week is great. I strongly advice a weekly baby-sitter for maybe 4-6 hrs a week. This will give your wife a chance to run errands "peacefully" and perhaps do something for herself as well with that time.

She is obviously overwhelmed. I think she might be able to relate to a lot of the young, overwhelmed mothers who have found order and stability in their lives with flylady.net. This website teaches how to bring back order and peace to the home so that one can again find "joy" - and it does it in a fun, silly way - even has stuff that makes the kids want to get involved and help. Oh, and all of her tips that mothers find sooo helpful, are free! I truly think this might help more than anything else, because until she feels like things are at least somewhat under control, she's going to continue to be stressed out, overwhelmed, depressed, etc. Of course, if she's truly "clinically" depressed, then that's a different issue - but still all the more reason for her to find information to help her manage life.

I hope things soon get better. smile
Posted By: Marie09

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/26/09 06:27 AM

I'm pregnant with my second child. My first is three years old now and I love her, but I really don't like being a mom. I've never told my husband this. He would be mortified as he loves kids and wants many but I just don't. I grew up as an only child with a unloving and very emotionally unpredictable mother. One miniature she'd be laughing, the next yelling or crying. I have never known my father. I don't even know the rest of my relatives with the exception of my grandparents who live far away. My mother paid me little attention, perfecting to bring various boyfriends she was dating in and out if our house all my life because she "wanted to be happy and I should just understand." It is still extremely hard for me to be close to anyone for fear of being rejected. I've never had many friends, even til this day. The friends I do have, I don't tell anything personal about myself like this to. I just don't know what I am supposed to do with a child. I no have zero experience in that area. When my daughter was born, I just carried her around and took care her but I didn't know how to interact with her so I didn't talk to her much. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. I walk around acting like everything is fine, but inside I just constantly feel like I am such a failure. I can see that I haven't interacted enough with my daughter because she acts different then other children and doesn't play with them. I live in a vary small isolated place, and my husband is gone for work until next year so I am alone. We don't have neighbors with children my daughters age, nor do we live in a very nice neighborhood. The playgroup I did used to take her to was canceled. It is the rainy season here so no one is outside. I am not in the states. As I read the posts in this topic it brought tears to my eyes though I haven't cried in months. It was as if some if the posts where straight out of my own thoughts. I can't tell anyone here how I feel because it is such a small community and the comments and stairs I would get would be unbearable to me. Even the look on someones face if I where to say it, doctors or nurses included. For many people, it's like the unthinkable thing for a woman to say, that she hates being a mother. Maybe it is only because it is difficult for me, and that is why I don't like it. I don't know, but either way it is killing me inside.
Posted By: phat

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/26/09 10:38 AM

I feel for everyone, and want you to know that you are loved, prayed for, and thought well of by ME!! I'm rooting for each of you, no matter your path, experience, or decision. With that said, I want to share advice, with the caveat that its based on my experience as a CF: 1) Make sure you make you feel special. Even if you only get a second to do so. I've learned to meditate to traffic. Brush my teeth by candlelight. A monthly massage at the cheapest place in town (started off being once every few years.. so whenever you can get it, thats all that counts). 2) Don't feel guilty, validate your feelings and stick up for yourself. Its not the place of anyone to judge you, we have never walked in your shoes. When bad things happen to you, don't take them as a reflection of you. But do try to deal with yourself, and then look for good things to restore your hope. 3) Let yourself give up. As often as you need to. I've been committed to some things for close to a decade, only because I let myself 'mentally' quit as often as I need to. No one ever knows about it... but being able to say 'I hate doing so and so, or I hate that this person thinks that I'm XYZ just because of BCD' helps me not resent every person for not validating it. I guess I finally learned its my job to extend grace to me when no one else can. Its the only way I can breathe and live when life gets tough. 4) Don't give up on yourself. Its not over yet. Thanks for being you.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/26/09 11:48 AM

Dear Marie, I really feel for you.
You sound really lonely and you may have a false image of how motherhood should be. You say you live in a small community, but even there you should try to meet other moms as soon as possible. If you talk to others, you will see how stressed out everybody is (yes, even those who love being moms have their up and downs) and you will find a lot more understanding that you think. Is your daughter in day-care? IF not, I suggest she goes for a couple of hours.

On the other hand, hating being a mother is not such an unthinkable thing. At least not for professionals. You are right, it is a huge taboo, nobody talks about it, but it is not that uncommon and if you talk to your family doctor or even your gynecologist/ midwife, they might direct you to some therapist that can help, (if you think that could help). A therapist cannot cure you into loving being a mother, but s/he can help you making the most of it and give you tips about how to interact with your daughter.
Also, you need to talk to your husband. You say he loves children and wants to have a lot. You also say he is not much around because of work. It is easy to love children if you only see them a couple of hours a day (and never alone) or every other week. One kid has proved to be more than enough for you. Just concentrate on the kid you have and the one coming. It is very unfair for you to keep having children for his sake, when all the work and stress and loneliness fall in your shoulders. Be rational about it with him. Maybe, don't use the words "hate being a mother". Just tell him that you feel overwhelmed, that it is a lot more work that you expected, explain to him how much attention a kid demands, how frustrated you are, that you wish you were doing a better job, and make him help you look for help. Daycare/ mursery, a couple of baby-sitting hours a week.

Don't overanalyse why you feel like this, you just do. Accept it and believe me, there are a lot more people like us out there.
I wish you all the strength in the world and good luck.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/26/09 06:50 PM

Marie09,
You've gotten some great advice so far, and I hope you'll consider it all.

I wanted to add that your daughter's actions aren't necessarily a reflection on you. My mom talked/played/taught me things *constantly* as a child. She *loved* being a mom and so had a lot of joy and love towards me to give. However, I was super shy as a young child and very quiet at school!! My sister, who was treated the same as me, would keep to herself at school and definitely interacted differently than the other kids. Despite all the interaction with my happy mom, we were just shy kids is all.

I strongly agree with Solalux about making friends. I agree that it's hard to find a "true" friend that can be trusted, but they are out there. My good friends, whom I can tell just about anything, are such a blessing in my life, and I strongly feel that God led our paths to cross. I don't know your beliefs, but God can do powerful things in your life if you ask! Even if you don't find a deep friendship, I agree with Solalux that just "interacting" with other moms will be helpful for you. The more you're around them, the more you'll probably start to hear about "their" struggles, and you'll feel less alone in yours.

Finally, I would keep trying everyday to find things about motherhood that you enjoy. Don't give up on it. Get some books/magazines on parenting that might you give some fun ideas. If you enjoy hobbies such as gardening or cooking, try to get your daughter involved. If you don't have hobbies, find some for your enjoyment.

I know there is joy that can be found, and in a few years from now, you might be in a completely different state of mind - finding much joy in being a mom. Things can change, so hang in there!

Do be sure you are taking care of yourself - getting enough sleep, nutrition, exercise (at least 10 min of vigorous exercise a day for mood lifting), sunshine, and fish oil if you don't eat fish - this is very important for brain health. And strive to stay organized/on top of things - this will do wonders for your sense of well-being. Flylady.net has great ideas for this. Do these things for yourself and for your daughter - you both deserve it. I wish you the best. smile
Posted By: MelodyFor3

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/15/09 08:40 PM

Fluffernutter, Wow, you and I are living parallel lives. I posted something about hating being a mom. I wasn't paying attention to this forum, I was just wanting to rant. Now that I see I'm not alone, I don't feel like such a 'shitheel' as you so eloquently put it. BTW, my twins are 3-1/2 and my youngest is 15 months. So I know exactly how you feel.
Posted By: MelodyFor3

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/24/09 02:39 PM

Ok, I had a vacation, which was MUCH NEEDED. Now I don't hate being a mom anymore (at least for now). I think when we feel that need to run away, we really do need a break. I went on vacation WITH my kids, came back exhausted, but refreshed in the same sense. I needed downtime. If the men in our lives had the common sense to let us have the freedom necessary to breathe a sigh of relief without having to fight so hard for it, maybe women wouldn't hate the position we are pushed into. Why are women stuck in this work-all-the-time-because-noone-else-can-handle-it role? I don't want it. Do you? I doubt it. I always wished I could be the man of the house instead of the woman, but just in the role sense, not body. The man just seems to have it so much easier. Maybe we're just smarter. I don't know. Just babbling. I just thought I'd share that I don't feel so crazy anymore. I love my kids again and appreciate my life a little more than before.
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/24/09 05:04 PM

Melody, I'm so glad you got some down time. You have an amazingly stressful mix of little ones in your household! 3 under 5 - and 2 at the same level of (I would imagine) potty-training and tantrum throwing. No wonder you are wiped out!

Dad's often (not all, but many of them) have no clue how stressful the kids actually are. My husband is so terrific about helping out around the house, I do not ever complain about him - he takes care of ME. But even he does not often see the kids in full-out "aggravation" mode, because he doesn't get home from work in time.
Posted By: MelodyFor3

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/24/09 07:25 PM

You've got that right. It must a 'mom curse' that kids are only rotten for their mom. Not so for dad or babysitters or even grandma. When I had all three in daycare, the workers there told me my kids are very quiet and respectful, they never talk or hit or scream, etc. I stood there for half a minute contemplating the compliments and then said, "Are you sure you're talking about MY kids?" But, yeah, sure enough, my little ones are perfect angels for everyone BUT me. It's like a switch goes off the second they see me, they collaborate and say, "hey, let's see how many hairs we can get to turn gray today" or "how many colors can mama turn when she's stressed?" or "let's flip a coin to see who should scream all the way home!" When I was pregnant with my last baby (who was quite a surprise) I still had to take care of the twins who were 1-1/2 at the time. I was always wiped out and really angry that I was never pampered. It seems to me that every time I'm tired, DH has already passed out or claims to be exhausted. When I'm sick, he's sicker. He can be the bane of my existence at times. I comtemplated at that time to write a 'how-to' book for husbands on how to treat their wives when they are pregnant. All my friends offered to buy several copies. I suppose, though, that I'll need an illustrator to draw the images in sequential order for those who can't find the time to read; it would be simpler to leave the book open to the page that is necessary to pass along...lol. I'm really cracking at my husband, but he's a good guy, he just required intensive training. Hmmm...maybe that's what I'll call it, "Training Course for the Man of a Pregnant Woman" or something like that. Little asterisk below can state, "Complete with a motivational guide to keep your man on course!" lmao. Several sequels can follow to completely support all the complaints that women try to resolve, but can't seem to do so. I'm just kidding. I don't have time for that. How can I when I'm still training DH and caring for three little ones?
Posted By: BetzabeBadWords

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/24/09 08:58 PM

Hi Marie :] I'm not a mother, but I feel that I grew up with 5 mothers. (Because I lived with my mom and my 4 aunts practically my whole life) But even with that experience, I too get overwhelmed when my in-laws talk about me giving them a grandchild. My mom and my aunts have always been kind to me, and i'm thankful for the way the raised me. Even with an absent father..I think i cam out pretty good. But the simple thought of being a mom, turns me off. Maybe its fear..I dont know. Did you ever experience that before you had your kids? (That the thought of having a baby was too much for you?) To be honest with you what i dislike about the idea of being a mom..is that in this world..sadly..EVERYTHING is on the mom. Even when you get married..its like you adopted a big baby boy who you're suppose PUSH HIM to be the BEST he can be. To lower this stress you have; occupy your time and you man definitely needs to give you a hand so you can have free time. Whats the point of having a husband, if he doesn't help you?? The old fashion way was the wife does everything..not in my world. I'm running my house evenly. One kids is a lot, two...i cant imagine. Just hang in there, and try to have time for yourself thats very very important. You cant carry all the weight on your own..thats not fair. Maybe you should consider moving to a more family friendly area too..so that you can go on walks and hikes and such... Good luck friend <3
Posted By: Jennyt

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/27/09 02:51 AM

I just wanted to stop by and say hi to all I just wanted to give you an update of my life, as a mom.

I have to say I am still the same me as 3 years ago. But I am so lucky, and I have nothing to complaint. I have a wonderful daughter, she is so smart, understanding, and always told me "You are the best mommy in the world." Maybe all the kids say that, but to me, this gives me a lot of confidence and strength, when I doubt that if I am qualified to be her mom. So I am trying my best because of her, she is truly an Angel.

I am also lucky that my husband is very supportive. Well, it is easier when we have only one. Whenever I need to go out and have a girl's night out, he is always supportive, and takes care of our daugther. That makes me so touched, and most of the time,I am trying to cook, clean and do all the house work, so he can focus on his business. So we are a good team, which is very important.

Also I got a lot of help, from family, baby sitters, nanny. They're all wonderful, and I do not hesitate to get help. We did take vacation by oursevles before, each time it was a great way to relax and then we will do better. I do feel more and more guilty to leave take vacation without her, but sometimes I feel like if I need it, I should just do it, because I am just as important human being as anyone else. This is my suggestion to all the women, moms out there, take care of youselves, so you can take care of your kids.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/28/09 12:33 AM

Jenny,
Thank you for your update and how wonderful to know you are doing so well. smile I'm so glad you are enjoying your daughter so much, have a supportive husband and family, and have found ways to continue enjoying your life, separate from you daughter, as well. I know your story must bring sooo much *hope* to other not-so-happy, new moms out there.

Originally Posted By: Jennyt
This is my suggestion to all the women, moms out there, take care of youselves, so you can take care of your kids.


Absolutely!! That advice sounds so simple, but yet, I don't think enough women take it seriously. I'm not a mom, but I know that if we're not taking care of ourselves, we're not in a very good place to help others.
Posted By: anothermom

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/07/09 11:07 PM

I am new here so here goes.... I found this site by googling "I hate being a mom" that looks so horrible when I read it. And it's not really that I hate being a mom, I just hate being a mom all of the time. I feel like a robot that never gets to recharge. I read most of the posts on this thread and I have to say I don't find any *hope* in JennyT's story. I don't find any difference in her first post to her last one. Her attitude seems the same to me, but she apparently has family support (husband and family) and enough money to hire a babysitter, nanny and pay for someone to watch her child while she and the hubby go on kid-free vacations. I don't have any support from my husband or family. I don't have enough money to hire a babysitter, certainly not a nanny and most certainly not to pay someone to keep my children while I go away by myself. And the suggestion that moms take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids....well no kidding, I would love to be able to do that. But I can't just "will" it to happen. You need other people to make that happen. Great for her but I don't even have that option. It is so depressing. I just know if I had some down time, if I could have one day a quarter, just 4 days a year scheduled to myself I know I would be a better mom, I would have something to look forward to and I would have that down time. There are some days when I am just so depressed and I hate myself for feeling that way, like I should not be wasting my time that way. I'm an adult woman living in a prison with no bars or locks. Oh, and the hubby, whenever I tell him I need a day by myself his response is always "you wanted them" and my response "yes and I still do, but I am not a robot, I need to recharge" at which point he stops talking and walks away. So, any advice for me? Please help
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/08/09 08:50 AM

Originally Posted By: anothermom
...
I don't have any support from my husband or family. I don't have enough money to hire a babysitter, certainly not a nanny and most certainly not to pay someone to keep my children while I go away by myself.
...
Oh, and the hubby, whenever I tell him I need a day by myself his response is always "you wanted them" and my response "yes and I still do, but I am not a robot, I need to recharge" at which point he stops talking and walks away.


Sorry that you feel so bad. I can quite understand your situation, really. Children are a lot of stress, a lot of people fail to understand that.
I can totally relate to JennyT. Like her I didn't want children and I couldn't love mine at first and I felt awful. And also like her, I have a husband who is very supportive (actually, he was the one who wanted a child) and we can rely on our parents and occasionally on a baby-sitter for a dinner/movies night from time to time. Three times (my son is 2 1/2) we had even a night out of town.
What makes your story different is that you wanted to have children and that you don't hate being a mother really. What you hate is that you don't ever get a break. You are married but have the life of an over-stressed single mum!!
Your husband's answer: "you wanted them" is appalling. If he didn't want them himself, he could have said it, used a condom etc. They are also his. I used that sentence with my husband a couple of times, when he complained about a sleepless night or about having to be home at 8 in a wonderful summer night or something like that, but I would still take care of my son, because I was aware that, although he was not my idea, I was responsible of his being in this world! Try confronting your husband with the fact that his children would benefit from time with him, that he should also get to spend time with them, to get to know them better and love them enough to not ever say something like that again.
I have unfortunately no magic tips, but you should realize that your children or you being their mother are not the source of your problem. You feel depressed because you feel alone. Aren't there any other mums where you live you could hang out with? Kids are less work when they get together with other kids and you could have the chance to talk to other adults.
Best luck
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/08/09 05:04 PM

Anothermom,

My heart goes out to you! Like Solalux said, I really think it would help you to befriend other moms. I know there must be mom groups - maybe meetup.com, church, etc. A lot of moms will "swap kids" for a day to help each other out, and just having the support of another mom to talk to would really help you I think. It might take a while before you find other moms you feel comfortable enough with to open up to, but don't give up.

To give yourself a break, see if there's a "Mom's Day Out" group in your area. They are much more affordable than traditional child-care. Many are church sponsored, but you don't always have to be a member to take your child. Here's a little info on it: Mom's Day Out

Wishing you the best. smile
Posted By: SickSophie

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/17/09 08:57 PM

I just had to say that it is so nice to come here sometimes and see that I am not alone in the way I'm feeling. I don't tell anyone how I feel because I'm afraid they will think I'm some sort of monster. I think it's a shame to have to feel that way. No one can really help how they feel. And as long as you don't intentionally harm your child, you are not a bad person. Even though others would think I'm a horrible person for the way I feel, I don't. I wish more than anything that I was like these mothers who just loooooove being a mommy. But I don't. I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't do what I want when I want to. I hate all the crying and screaming and poopy diapers. I hate that my once beautiful living room suite looks like it's been dragged through the dirt and my once clean coffee table is now covered in fingerprints. It's hard to be a mom when you're a neat freak and like being spontaneous. Now I've realized the only spontaneity you get when you have a kid is....Oh you have plans to go out, but you spontaneously have to stay home because the babysitter canceled at the last minute. That's spontaneity when you're a mom. *sighs* I love my son. I really do. I would do anything for him. And in all of my anger and frustration, I have never blamed him. I know he is innocent and I'm going to do my best to hide my feelings from him. I don't want him to grow up thinking his mom doesn't love him. It's really tough though. But I have slowly learned to just make peace with the way I feel and do the best I can to hide it. It's like having a job that you really really hate, but loving your co-workers. I just hold on to the fact that a lot of what frustrates me about being a mom is all temporary. My son is 10 months old. I hate that I can't effectively communicate with him and he understand me. I hate that I have to carry him everywhere. I hate that he can't even feed himself. I hate changing diapers. Now that he is older and can do a FEW things for himself, I'm not quite as frustrated as I was when he was a newborn. At least now, he responds to me. I just hope as he ages, these feelings will go away. All of you other mothers are in my thoughts and I truly hope that things get better and easier for all of us.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/17/09 09:17 PM

SickSophie,
Just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you, and that I think you're a very good person and fully agree that your "feelings" don't warrant you to be a bad person. It's how you handle and respond to those feelings that count, and you're responding to them with strength and love for your child. The moms you know who are so happy... I wonder what kind of moms they'd be if they "didn't" enjoy being a mom. Would they have your strength to be a good mom anyway?

Some of the moms have posted that when their children grow up a little, start talking, etc., that things get more fun. Life can be quite wondrous and magical through the eyes of a child. I think the love you feel for your child will only grow, and that that love will continue to give you an increasing interest in your child, in what's important to him, and in being a mom. You may finding yourself taking joy in what "he" takes joy in. Seeing him happy can make "you" happy.

Try to see things from a different perspective and do think of all you're grateful for. Your situation could be much, much worse. Do what you can to take care of yourself, organize yourself and your baby, consider creating daily routines to help you feel more in control and on top of things, maybe read some parenting books/mag for ideas that might seem fun to you, and keep the hope that things will get better. Also, I don't think it would hurt to read through some threads of happy mothers. Perhaps reading their view on things might help you to see things in another light. All you can do is make the best of your situation. I think you're a strong person, and I wish you the best of luck. smile
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 10/19/09 12:17 PM

Originally Posted By: SickSophie

(...)I hate that my once beautiful living room suite looks like it's been dragged through the dirt and my once clean coffee table is now covered in fingerprints. It's hard to be a mom when you're a neat freak and like being spontaneous (...)
I love my son. I really do. I would do anything for him. And in all of my anger and frustration, I have never blamed him. I know he is innocent and I'm going to do my best to hide my feelings from him. I don't want him to grow up thinking his mom doesn't love him.
(...) I just hold on to the fact that a lot of what frustrates me about being a mom is all temporary. My son is 10 months old. I hate that I can't effectively communicate with him and he understand me. I hate that I have to carry him everywhere. I hate that he can't even feed himself. I hate changing diapers. Now that he is older and can do a FEW things for himself, I'm not quite as frustrated as I was when he was a newborn. At least now, he responds to me. I just hope as he ages, these feelings will go away.(...)


Sicksophie, I relate to every word you say.

First of all, it is great that you are able to separate your son from your resentment. I have also managed to do that. Somehow I also learned from the beginning not "to take it personal". They can't help being babies. That is a very big accomplishment, and not everybody can do it!

Second, one of the most depressing things for me when I got pregnant, was also the chaos in households with kids. My husband is also a neat freak, so we have always avoided that baby stuff invades the whole apartment. When he couldn't walk, he had a little corner with a blanket and a couple of toys in the living room, never too cluttered. Since he can walk, the little corner is gone, his toys stay in his room, if he drags cars, trucks, books, etc out of his room, they must be back in his room when he is not playing anymore. He knows that the big toys are not allowed in the living room, for example, and he won't even try. And he only eats in the kitchen. It is never too soon to start with a little discipline. He knew all this things before he was one. And kids love when they know what to expect, so, it has never really been a tantrum-generator lol.

My son is 2 years 6 months old, and I can tell you, your hopes are really realistic. It gets better. My son is starting to talk and that is fun. He has been in day care part-time for over a year now. He is a lot more independent, he understands when I talk and I understand what he means. He has always been an easy going kid (no colics, a lot of time sleeping, thank God, I might have ended in a mental institutions if that hadn't been the case), and if he occasionally throws a tantrum, I know his reasons, I've learned to avert them, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, so hang in there.


I wish you the best of lucks!
Posted By: fluffernutter6

Fluffernutter6 Update - 10/29/09 12:05 PM

Things have gone from bad to worse. My husband had foot surgery this week that has rendered him totally incapacitated and bedridden. He'll be on crutches and not able to put any weight on his foot for the next six to ten weeks. I'm currently 35w4d pregnant, so he's going to be absolutely useless for labor & delivery and much of the first few newborn weeks. None of our family is planning on coming to help after the birth (they all have their own issues) and while we have some access to babysitters, we're broke and there's no way we can afford the kind of help we really need. It's so bleak seeming to me. Everything rests on my shoulders. Not only am I chasing after three year old twins in the final weeks of my pregnancy, I must be nursemaid to my husband. All while dreading the arrival of a baby I still don't want - never wanted, in fact. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through this. People seem to manage far more dire situations with far more grace than I can, but I can't imagine how to make this all better.
Posted By: MelodyFor3

Re: Fluffernutter6 Update - 11/13/09 07:23 PM

fluffernutter6, have you contacted the local twins group? if there is a Mothers of Multiples group in your area, they will assist you if you present your case and join. They will offer you the support you so desperately need at this point.

Also, contact your local DHEC or DSS or United Way can point you in the right direction. Sometimes, if you find a good social worker, they will help you until you can get on your feet (or your husband on his).

Believe me, you'll see my previous posts on when I wanted to scream or commit suicide just because it was too much to handle and sometimes I still hate being a mom. I know exactly how you feel and it does plain S-U-C-K. But at those moments when you know that you feel that way, that is the time to ask for help. Every mother has felt this desperation at one time or another...that is why it is so important for mothers to help eachother and if you lived near me, I would help you.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Fluffernutter6 Update - 12/08/09 03:25 AM

Ladies,

I came across a site I saw today that I thought might be helpful to moms looking to connect with other moms: www.momslikeme.com It looks like there are locations all over the world. Check out this post by a mom. It, along with the comments, should make everyone feel better! Best of luck to everyone during the holidays. smile Do you ever just want to hide? (And, I think most of these moms in general like being a mom, but yet, look how often they just want to hide!)
Posted By: Chelle - Marriage Editor

Re: Fluffernutter6 Update - 12/15/09 06:40 PM

First off, know that you are not alone.

My Depression started after the birth of my first child. This is very common, because having a baby drastically changes the way hormones and chemicals are distributed by your body.

Has your doctor mentioned doing a thyroid test on you?

You mention weight gain and the inability to take it off. While this CAN be blamed on pregnancy, it can also be blamed on thyroid problems. Thyroid problems can also cause depression issues.


Also, instead of just adding medications - have you and your doctor talked about switching meds? Prozac can be notorious for "wearing off", or your body getting used to it. By switching to a different med, you might have better results. There are TONS of meds ot there now.

Seeing a therapist is definitely a good thing. You need to talk about this stuff. Writing on here is another way to get your emotions out. You might also consider journaling. Just writing oiut your thoughts (as incoherent as they may seem at times) is very cathartic.

Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Fluffernutter6 Update - 12/21/09 07:16 PM

FeelSoAlone,
I'm glad you're considering exercise. What most people don't realize about exercise, however, is that you need 10 minutes of high-intensity exercise daily to combat depression. Don't do this all at once though if you're not used to exercise - work your way up!

Are you taking fish oil? How about Vitamin D? Both are important when fighting depression. Hang in there! I know things can get better for you. smile
Posted By: Dez

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/28/10 06:02 AM

I haven't posted here in a few years lol, and the thread is still going. You started a popular one, Jenny, lol.

I remember reading a poem my mom had a long time ago, that went something like:

When I was a child I couldn't wait to be a teenager,
and when I was a teenager I couldn't wait to be an adult,
and when I was an adult I couldn't wait to get married,
and when I got married I couldn't wait to have children,
and when I had children I couldn't wait for them to grow up,
and when they grew up I couldn't wait for them to leave,
and now I see that I spent so many years waiting that I forgot to live.

I am not a perfect mother. I yell, and the kids get on my nerves, and sometimes I just want to gather them up in a big hug. When I read all your posts the one thing I see over and over that is missing is this: YOU NEED A HOBBY. Anything.

This might sound funny, but I play videogames in my free time. What free time? you ask. You're kids are 6 and 2 and you have free time? Yes, I do. Free time is what and where you can find it. So what if that is sitting on the couch for two hours in the evening with my son curled up in my lap while my daughter colors at the kitchen table while I play the Xbox. Sure, I still have to get up to get drinks, more paper, change diapers, whatever. I can pause the game, it won't end because I stopped for 10 minutes. Plus, I get to do something I enjoy, I don't have to share and AT THE SAME TIME my kids have me right there with them.

I get critisized for this all the time. You waste you time, you aren't giving enough to your kids, etc. Well guess what. I am home and not out cruising bars, out gambling, partying, whatever. It doesn't matter. I happen to have something I enjoy while being home. I can read too with them on my lap. I can read while my daughter reads her book and yes I stop to help her with her words, listen to her babble, I can still read.

I work full time and wouldn't give it up. I consider work my "me" time and I know lots and lots of women who are great moms and love their kids and DON'T want to be with them 24/7. That's fine because frankly, kids like meeting other people too.

My advise to anyone out there on the fence about whether they want kids or not: get a dog first. A lab. A big needy puppy you can raise. They are like kids, they have their own personalities, annoying traits, adorable moments, and are trainable. And if you love the puppy even when it poops in your livingroom and eats your couch, then you might like kids too.

Dez
Posted By: mamakat

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/05/10 12:47 PM

hello everyone. first, let me say i admire ya'll's honesty and your support of each other. like many of you, i found this thread after searching "hate being a mom". i was shocked at the number of hits i found from those 4 words. i am a 40-year-old SAHM to my 7-yr-old son and 2-yr-old boy/girl twins. after giving my son up for adoption 23 years ago, i vowed to never have another child. i was 16 and lucky to eat once a day. i couldn't, in good conscience, bring him into my life so i chose open adoption. he and i are friends and he harbors no resentment toward me. he knows i wanted so much more for him than i could give. after that, i couldn't seem to enjoy the company of children as i felt such remorse for being unable to care for my own child. i became pregnant again in my early 30s but suffered a miscarriage at 3 months. i then became determined to have a child after feeling so complete during that short pregnancy. i gave birth to my son in july of 02 and was totally in love w/him. i realized how much i'd missed out on by giving up his older brother. he was such a joy, and still is. although i was seriously tied down, it really didn't matter as i enjoyed my time w/him and took him everywhere i went. i became pregnant again, a HUGE surprise, when my son was almost 5. twins. imagine my shock. my son and i have such a connection, he knew i was having twins long before even i knew and he also knew they were boy/girl long before the sonogram determined their sexes. i was ambivilant t/o the pregnancy as i was happy w/my son and he was the perfect age to do things with such as go to theme parks, color, read, etc. more later - one baby is up.....
Posted By: eye

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/14/10 01:48 AM

Hello. Wow. this is such an interesting forum. I got pregant when I was 20 years old and married my childs father. Now, that was 26 years ago and that was kind of expected at that time, to marry him. We're still together and that amazes some people. I didn't expect to be a GOOD mom. What is that anyway? I didn't know that my whole life would surround my son. What you have to keep in mind is that that's your choice. Brandon and I did a lot together from basketball, to bike racing and karate. It was amazing. He's now 26 and married and as much as he has been a pain in the butt over the years I wish he would call more. We also have a nine year old. Yes, I said nine. Man plans and God laughs! He's an amazing child even though he's annoying at times. Yes. I yell, rant and rave. I also hug , listen and take him to school. I work full time at a doctors office and I can really get stressed out. When I get home(My husband picks him up from school) sometimes I just want to be left alone and cameron is at the door asking if he coukld do this or watch that. FRUSTRATING!! My hobby is scrapbooking and photgraphy. When I look at the crazy photos I take of my family and realize what was going on at the time, well it just seems worth it all. Try to remember what I said..Man plans and God laughs. You can choose to laugh with Him and enjoy life making it what you can or not and leave life as it is.
Posted By: nicey

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/11/10 06:49 PM

Jennyt, I understand you completely. My daughter is 7. I hate being a mother. My life was over the day I found out I was pregnant. I think what really makes it hard for me is that my mother passed away from brain cancer when I was 2 months pregnant. My family is very small & they r up in age. My husband was military up until last March. So of course I had to move away from my family & his. So we have never had a wkend child free vacation. She has only been away from me for 2 wks out of 7 yrs and that was because I had to go away for training for a job for 2 wks. It makes me so mad when I hear my friends talk about how their children will be with their granparent or dad for spring break or every other wkend. I so want a little vacation once a month. I think my husband is blind to the fact that I need a good break. I don't wont another child because of this. They have drop in daycares here where I live. You can drop your child off for only 4 hrs. I try to use that as often as possible. Some might think that is being mean or "selfish" as my husband calls me. I don't care, if this is the only time I get a breather than I'm going to take it. I hate all holidays & teacher workdays because I know school will be closed. So I'm glad I found this website to help me vent because I have nobody else to talk to and they would just say you're being mean and she didn't ask to be here. Which that is true she didn't ask to be here that's why I'm not having anymore.
Posted By: CsMom

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/13/10 10:14 PM

Jennyt, Thank you for starting this thread. I also found this site by Googling "I hate being a mom." I like what one of the other moms said that loving your child and hating being a mother are two different things. I was glad to have her and never felt that I didn't want her. I just hated what it did to me and also that I have to deal with her father for the rest of her childhood at the very least. I wasn't married when we conceived her and never did marry. I always felt that if I were to have children I would only have them if I was married AND to a man who would be very involved with the children. When that wasn't the case and I got pregnant because the birth control failed, I was miserable. I was 34 and very career-oriented. I also always saw myself as self-sufficient and very independent. Now I feel trapped. I live 1500 miles away from my family and I can't leave the state I live in. Her father is very difficult. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to just leave and move back home to be with my family. They are very supportive and wanted to help me. However, I was raised by a single mom and always wished I had my dad around. Because of this I decided to tell him about the pregnancy even though I wanted nothing more to do with him personally. (We had broken up before I knew I was pregnant.) He was ecstatic and begged me not to go. He asked if we could try things out here together. I relented and now wish I never told him. I feel so alone because I don't get enough help. We both work full time but he is gone a lot with his numerous hobbies. When I ask for some time alone he frets and makes me feel bad. I don't care. I still go. But I don't feel like it's enough. I've tried joining several moms groups but I haven't made any strong connections. I live in a large metropolitan area and everyone is so spread out. Plus they are all busy with their own lives. It's not like I can call them at the drop of a hat and say, "Hi. Can you take care of her for a while?" when I feel overwhelmed. I desperately want to be near my family but her father is absolutely against it and I think it's too late for that anyway. She's 5 years old now and is very attached to him even though she doesn't spend a lot of time with him. She does see him during the week when he picks her up from daycare. She spends about an hour a day with him M-F. I have her the rest of the time. (We live separately and she lives with me.) I'm just so frustrated! It's very expensive to live here and he won't let me leave. I talked to a lawyer and he said that her father could stop me from taking her out of the state. He has to agree to let me leave. I struggle all the time and barely make ends meet and don't have the emotional support I need. It's terrible because I know I take it out on her sometimes and I feel awful. I hate yelling at her. I love her so much and am doing everything I can to give her a good life but her father makes it so difficult.
Posted By: KayKay

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/26/10 11:47 PM

Hello, Thank you for starting this thread. I am new here and this is my first post, I joined so I could possibly get this off my chest. Like many of you, I found this site searching "I hate being a mom" I was a little surprised at all the sites that came up. Anyway, here is my story.. I was 19 when I had my daughter. My fiance and I had been together for 5 years at the time. I was told I was unable to have children. I was always on the bigger side and lost a ton of weight during the summer, I was in a size 9 for the first time in my life. Then in Jan, my mother kept telling me I know your pregnant, so to make her happy, I took a test, and yeah, she was right. I was happy, I always wanted a baby and looked forward to it.....Yeah, that changed, quickly. I quit smoking to be fair to my child, and when i quit, i eat, now im pregnant and in my mind i have an excuse to eat, needless to say I gained all my weight plus some extra. MY fiance was horrible to me, he wouldn't touch be, but he would look up skinny fake boobed hussys and watch them...it killed me. He treated me like [censored], called me names, acted like he hated me. He told me he didn't want the baby, he wasn't ready, but i thought i was, oh, and did i mention i was already 20 weeks along when i found out?? Yeah, and she came 6 weeks early, so it all kinda happened at once. When she was born, she never slept, she had horrible colic, and i got ZERO help from my fiance, he would be sleeping nice and sound and me? Crying along with my baby trying to get her to take a bottle. As time went by, he got a lot better, we also lived with his mom, and she helped me a lot. She is now 11 months old and when she was 7 months old, we got our own place. Now I am the typical stay at home mom, i cook, clean, take care of the baby, and its a blessing if i get to go outside and have a smoke (I started back 2 months after giving birth) I hate it, I hate it more then anything sometimes. She always gets into everything, pulls things off tables, breaks them. She has a high pitch scream whenever I'm not holding her or right beside her. Hell, the one day she was sitting there playing all happy, and as soon as I sit down on the couch, she starts throwing a fit. I'm so stressed out anymore, when my fiance comes home, he gets to play video games and relax, and im left with a screaming baby who throws her baby food at me, or won't go to bed. I miss my old life, All of my friends get to go out and have fun, my fun is when she sleeps for an extra half hour and i get to watch tv for a split second. WE can't go anywhere anymore, she screams her head off in the car, and continues to screams in the store, and people stare at me like im beating her or something, which i never have, and never will do. I love my daughter more then anything, but sometimes i hate being her mother. I hate not being able to go to wal-mart without her acting up, or just going on a simple car ride without her screaming the whole time. I have no friends & no family where i live, i moved to IL to be with my fiance, im from PA, and none of my friends even call me anymore, they're too busy going to the mall, or going on a date, or getting drinks, Me? I'm changing diapers, washing bottles, cleaning up toys....Sometimes i could scream, and actually have. I was told I could not have children..And after 5 years, never used protection, nothing happened...why all of a sudden. I wonder this a lot, I was told because of the weight loss, go figure right? I love my baby girl so much, but sometimes i want to stand up and say "Done" and just run away...My fiance and I are A LOT better now, we have the love back, but it's not like we can ever go on a date or anything...Yeah, this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I always wanted a baby, just not now. Thank you, i really needed this rant.
Posted By: Lori - Marriage

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/29/10 10:18 PM

Rant away. Early motherhood is tough. Really tough. No matter how much you love your child, your young self still needs time and room to grow, too. Add on top of that being a wife and yikes.

I wish I were there to lend a hand...just through the rough spells. It so makes a difference when you have support from friends or family.

Be strong though because if you aren't, your child will become even more difficult to handle as she ages. Be firm, fair, loving and consistent.

Also, there is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself and/or your husband. Can you set up a co-op babysitter arrangement with people you can trust? Check into your local community programs. Some are free and/or cheap and they provide Head Start pre-school or babysitting programs.

It is not a luxury that you have time off; it is a necessity! Maybe older moms or moms who have done this before can handle the often suffocating feelings of being a 24-7 caretaker, but you are new to this and you're young. Time off is good for you and for the baby. You will come back refreshed and ready to be back for her.

I can help you from afar in some ways. I can tell you how to set up your day so that she will be easier to handle while learning and developing positively. There will be time for you, time for her, time for your hubby--with no guilt. I was a mom with three kids under the age of four, a stay-at-home mom with a husband who didn't help. One of my kids had a genetic disorder and only slept three hours at a time. I also was a teacher later in life.

Good luck!
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/29/10 11:01 PM

Chi-Japanese Food, (Yum!! hahah)
Your words sound very encouraging, and I'm sure there are many mothers visiting that would love to hear of your schedule. I think you've hit the nail on the head with having a schedule. It really is key, otherwise, it can feel as though we're simply treading water....whether a mom or not! Creating a schedule that works and actually sticking to it can be tricky though, so the more ideas shared, the better the chances of someone finding something that works for them. smile
Posted By: Lori - Marriage

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/05/10 12:19 AM

Well, I must say that when I was younger, I did not like schedules. They reminded me of rules and school. But I do not mean you must have a rigid, set-in-stone schedule. In fact, moms have to be flexible because kids get sick or have a million other ways to force you to change your plans. So when you plan, don't drive yourself crazy with having to stick to time slots. But here are some ideas:

1. Establish a morning routine. It doesn't matter what time you begin your day, but teach the kids what to do--in order--when they first wake up. It should be automatic. This way, once they start school, it will be a breeze for them to get ready. Just show them by example and start from the time they can walk by themselves.
a. Wake up.
b. Make the bed. At least let them watch you make the bed and let them put on the pillow, etc. or whatever they are capable of, age-wise.
c. Hygiene. Brush teeth, wash face, comb hair.
d. Get dressed.
e. Feed and water pets.
f. Have breakfast.
g. Put dishes in dishwasher.

You can rearrange this, but simply move through these motions daily in the same order and soon, they will do it all by themselves because it is part of their daily routine. You won't even have to write it on a list or schedule.

2. Then, have an evening routine:
a. Take a bath/shower.
b. Brush and floss teeth.
c. Story and prayer.
d. Good night!

If you do only these routines--and it doesn't matter what time you start them--after a while, you can just say, "Ok, PM routine!" and the kids will just do it.

I also had an after school routine which was simple:

a. Backpacks in the hallway closet.
b. Wash hands.
c. Snack.
d. Homework at the table.

After that, they knew they had free time until dinner.

Consistency is the key so they will know what to expect. Sometimes, there were afterschool errands or rehearsals, but that didn't upset the routines at all. I guess when I said "schedule" it makes it sound as though everything was on the clock. But I never set a time slot for things because life was not that rigid. For example, we did not always eat at 6 pm.

Posted By: Lori - Marriage

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/05/10 12:19 AM

For little children who are not in school, just establish simple routines:

*AM routine
*morning activities
*lunch
*nap
*afternoon activities
*dinner
*PM routine

But then, do work in a few morning activities (help mom with chores, errands, snack, learning activity at the kitchen table, make a craft for grandma, etc.) and a few afternoon activities (nap time, park outing, snack time, outdoor play or whatever fits your family interests).

TV and videos should be educational. Let them watch a program while you have something you can do while sitting nearby. Do this in the afternoon when they tend to be tired. Don't waste their AM energy on sitting and doing something passive like watching a video.

But do let them get outdoors and run around to play before dinner. Physical exercise is vital for their brains and their bodies. Plus, they will behave better at the dinner table and be ready for a bath and bed.

Yes, sticking to a schedule is nearly impossible. I do NOT recommend you even try! But just establish a few simple routines (at least the AM and PM routine) and then work in fun activities along with your errands and chores.

Ii promise you that if you can do this, your life will be infinitely easier and more pleasant with your children. Children are growing and they crave learning about their world. They do so naturally. They only get into mischief when they are bored.

Learning activities don't have to be school-like. They are natural ways to play. Singing a song (any type of song), picking out letters on street signs, taking turns rhyming words or saying words that start with the same sound. Dance (helps with balance and coordination) with your child. Let him help you clean up, cook, garden, grocery shop. It's all great learning!

When kids are engaged in something fun with you, there is no time for trouble.

Motherhood is hard. It takes all of your energy, mind, body and spirit. Take time to rejuvenate yourself. There were times I put myself in "time out". LOL. You MUST take care of yourself because YOU are the one who is taking care of everyone else! Hope this helps!

Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/05/10 11:03 PM

Chi,
That is awesome advice!! Reminds me a lot of FlyLady stuff. I think you're right about not sticking to "times," and I would think having everyone just know to do these basic things everyday would make a huge difference in how calm the household runs. Love the activity ideas too!! Great advice! Thanks for sharing your ideas! smile
Posted By: Lori - Marriage

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/06/10 04:22 PM

Thank you for letting me share! I learned by trial and error (many errors) how to raise the kids. My mother-in-law once said, "Once you get the hang of it and start doing it right, they're all grown up and you don't have kids to raise anymore!" That's probably why grandparents are so wise and wonderful. smile

One last piece of advice for young mother sanity and survival:

Forgive yourself for the not-so-great days. You are only human and learning a very tough lesson. Parenting is hard but in the process of molding a new little human being, you are developing into an amazing human youself. You are learning what unconditional love is all about and how to give it. Feel good about that. And don't forget to enjoy the process. If you missed the joy, you've missed it all. Every day won't be filled with joy, but most days should be!

Best wishes!

Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 05/06/10 04:58 PM

LOL about what your mother-in-law said! Sounds like a wise woman!! haha Thanks for sharing more great advice! I hope some hurting mothers (or any mothers!!) will come upon these words, as I know they will find them helpful! smile
Posted By: PearlPJ

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 06/25/10 01:54 PM

Posted By: nm34

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 07/25/10 03:39 AM

Hello, I felt a need to get my thoughts out there about being a mom to see if I was the only one. The major words that would come to mind is " I hate being a mom. For me, I have two children ages 5 and 3. So, it has been a major roller coaster ride with my emotions in reference to being a mom. I first thought how could I have made the decision of being a mom it just was never something I planned to be in my life it is just to much responsibility what if I cant provide ? to much decisions that i dont want to do ....I would have been perfectly happy with just me and my husband and my career and what ever else i chose to do. But like I have read here its too late for the what if's. My point though for writing here is that now after 5 years why do i still not feel happy about it or have found a balance of some sort? Most days I just deal with the day to day because I have to but never feel truly happy. parenting is not fun damn it......it sucks..the people who do enjoy it power to all of you I just dont see it and who knows how long it will take or if it ever does.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/02/10 11:11 AM

It just hit me: there is something wrong with the title of this thread "I hate being a mom". Having children doesn't necessarily turn you into a "mom". You are still ___________ (please, fill in the gap with your name) a_____________ (please fill in the gap with your job, profession...) you are still the daughter, wife, girlfriend, friend or sister of somebody. For some women having children is such a great thing that overshadows all others. They do turn into moms. Others, well, we are not so vocational and the mother role is just a little part of what we are or what we feel, and not even the most rewarding, as many would lead you to believe. We just bought the myth that every woman is mother.
Posted By: elshello

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/16/10 07:18 AM

I googled "I hate being a parent" and found all of you who are going through the same things. My son is almost 4 years old, and although I'm not feeling quite as negative now as I did when he was a newborn, I still feel regret over deciding to have a child. He is a very curious strong-willed boy, and it just makes me wonder when I go to a store and see children calmly standing next to their parents--DS would run off and (carefully) dismantle a store display if I wasn't clutching his hand. I feel like nothing turned out as advertised. He did not sleep through the night once until he was 7 months old, and not consistently until he was 2 years old. I was a SAHM mom and the lack of sleep almost killed me. None of the parenting advice seems to work on him, and reading parenting books just makes me feel worse, as if there is something radically wrong with me or him. Having him wasn't a "lifestyle change", it was an atom bomb dropped on my existence. One thing I haven't seen discussed in this thread is the breastfeeding experience. Breastfeeding was the darkest time of all for me. Many health professionals give the impression that breastfeeding is of the utmost importance, and that moms should never, ever, under any circumstance, give up on breastfeeding lest they harm their child. This pressure made the first months with my son a living hell. DS fed every 2 hours like clockwork, round the clock, and never developed an extended period betwen feedings. It was impossible to draw out the feedings as he would scream for over an hour and throw up if he didn't get the breast. He finally went on a nursing strike when he didn't like my overactive letdown. He was a perfectionist about the position, flow rate etc (and still is a perfectionist about other things). Saw 3 LC's to no avail. I felt terrible about myself and about taking care of my infant, and it colors my view of motherhood to this day. I don't know what I would do if I got pregnant again. I want to have a tubal and stay on the pill just to be extra sure, but hubby is definitely against the tubal. We just learned that the only other only-child mom from my group of friends is expecting again, and now I have to deal with pressure from my husband to have another baby (no way). DS seems like a happy kid and is certainly quite bright, and I thank God for that. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I guess I'm making the best of it and doing the best job I can, but it has never been an enjoyable job for me, even the smiley cute times that others seem to enjoy. I'm not cut out for this, but there is no going back. Glad to hear I am not alone in how I feel.
Posted By: flower70

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 08/16/10 11:15 AM

To start with hang in there. I had to breastfeed my daughter for a year, every two hours like clock work also, because she refused any sort of bottle, nipples, pumped or powdered milk. It was a challenge, but two days after her first b-day i told her time to take the sippy cup, she did fine with that.
To this day my daughter still doesn�t sleep through the night she is 2 years old now, for a week or two she will finally sleep through and then comes back to the old routine, what i have discovered is she always seemed to have something to why she doesn�t sleep through, teeth,growing pains,ect. I�m exhausted but i have to hang in there also what else can we do, my friends all say it will get better but i�m still waiting also for that day. So take it from someone like yourself, we just have to HANG IN THERE.
Posted By: Solalux

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 09/12/10 11:54 AM

Originally Posted By: elshello
One thing I haven't seen discussed in this thread is the breastfeeding experience. Breastfeeding was the darkest time of all for me.


At least you gave it a try. I was "forced" to try too, when I was still in the hospital feeling like s***t, (by the "it is the best for your child" guilt ridden talk from everybody from midwives to my husband)), but I hated the feeling so much, that I couldn't stop crying so I stopped after 48 hours. I felt guilt-ridden, inappropriate and a horrible human being for months, but not enough to regret my decision not to do it. With the bottle my son would sleep up to 5 or 6 hours at night with 2 months. As depressed as I was (yes, I also hated being a mom, never wanted to be one) I cannot imagine the physical and psychological torture of going through breastfeeding on top of everything else
Posted By: tvdoctor

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/04/11 01:50 AM

Posted By: Madness68

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/27/11 05:55 AM

with all due respect i really dislike it when people say "hang in there". i mean, really what for? it is so awful...i think it's not worth it. i am planning to commit suicide in the next couple weeks. life is not worth living in motherhood.
Posted By: DifferentKindofGirl

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 01/27/11 07:26 PM

Madness68,
I'm glad you wrote in. I am not qualified to advise you, but I want to say how sorry I am that you are feeling this way and am pleading with you to please seek professional help. I have read that if one is experiencing thoughts of suicide, one�s brain chemistry is mostly likely not right, which means your brain is currently not functioning as it should. Getting help for your condition might entirely change the way you are currently feeling.

I think what people mean, and what I mean, by hang in there, is to offer some hope that things will get better. Often, what seems hopeless might not seem so hopeless in a few months more time, especially if help is received. Many mothers who were in your situation are now doing much better.

Whether you realize it or not, I'm sure you have people in your life who love and need you and would be shattered if something happened to you. Also, no child wants to lose a parent in this way, and whether or not you feel you are a good mother or feel you are even loved as a mother, I�m sure your son or daughter loves you dearly.

If not for yourself, I hope you will seek out professional help for those that love and need you, and again, I�m really sorry you are in this situation. Don�t blame yourself � it�s not your fault. If you were physically ill, you would seek help in getting well � I hope you will do the same here.

I don�t know your faith, but I am praying for you... praying for you to have strength and to soon feel love and joy again. I am sure you have felt those things in the past, and I believe you can again.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 08:30 AM

You are kind of missing the point; she didn't want a baby to begin with. She could have the best baby in the world but if she never actually wanted to be a mother, it would still be the biggest mistake ever.
Posted By: Kaycee Will

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 09:06 AM

I am really shocked to hear such kind of problem from so many women. Motherhood is known to be the best part of a woman's life and you are regretting so much. That's really unbelievable. What's the fault of that little child who is not able to speak even. What makes you so frustrated. Just find out the route of their problems instead of just getting irritated.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 09:24 AM

If everyone is criticizing you, then they clearly have a problem but you don't have to let that problem be yours. Respect is a two way street and if they are not showing you any, then they don't get any from you. Someone questions how you raise your child, there are a lot of responses you can use to make it clear that they are crossing a boundary and that won't be tolerated. They are not polite but since they are not being polite to you, you don't owe then any courtesy. Your opinion was not solicited Do I tell you how to raise your child? No. Then don't tell me how to raise mine. Are you the mother/father? No? Then shut the [censored] up until you are [censored]. When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Are you unable to mind your own damn business. No? Well, I am sure the police can help you, let me do you a favor and call them for you right now so you can get the help that you need. I could go on but I think you get the gist and if someone is messing with your child or harassing or stalking you, that is just what the police are for.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 09:34 AM

squidpup - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Everyone who told you how wonderful it would be lied, I don't know why (I guess they wanted to ruin your lives like theirs were ruined). Those people who told you how wonderful it would be, bet you wished you had asked them if they would adopt your kids if you didn't think it was as wonderful as they said (I bet the look on their face would have clued you in). It is probably too late for the safe place law so you might want to consider adoption.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 09:38 AM

Someone just did not say "have a kid" and they did it. They were pressured and bullied and ostracized and harassed for resisting the unsolicited advice to have children by friends, family, society, and none of them actually asked whether or not they wanted children (because they don't really care).
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 10:06 AM

That does sound a bit crazy in this ear of birth control, abortion, and sterilization.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 10:12 AM

Are women not entitled to have a life without children if that's what they want?
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 10:49 AM

You need to take yourself out of the environment in which you are constantly being criticized because that is no way to live. If your family is criticizing you every time you go to their house, stop going to their house. They should get the hint but if they ask, tell them you are sick tired of the constant put-downs and unsolicited advice and criticisms stripping away your self esteem and you will be happy to resume visits when they can stop belittling and demeaning you and start treating you like a human being; until them, you will not be visiting them and their visiting privileges to your house are rescinded. As for total strangers, well, they don't deserve explanations or courtesies because they clearly have no boundaries. I simple "Go to hell" or "get lost" should do but you can get creative. "Are you the mother/father of this child? No? When you are, then you get a vote. Until then, mind your own business and I won't call the police and have you throw in jail." When people harass you, well, they should know better but if they don't, that's what the police are for. As for your husband, sit him down and have a talk with him about how his constant criticisms and damaging your self respect and your sex drive and you will not allow it. No one has the right to do that to you and let your husband know that you won't tolerate it. Listen to what he has to say, ask him why he married you if you thinks you're stupid, incompetent, or whatever. You are his wife, why is he not supporting you and putting you first instead of tearing you down? Why is he listening to strangers instead of you and taking their word over his? As I write this, it occurs to me that you need a marriage counselor. But you need to stand up for yourself or they will be walking over you forever. If you have to yell to get your point across, go ahead, stop restraining yourself, lose your temper, yell and swear if that is what needs to happen to get your point across and get these arrogant people who are under the delusion it is any of their business to leave you alone.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 10:55 AM

There are options.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 10:57 AM

Why would your family not allow you to? How would they stop you?
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 11:09 AM

This might sound radical but maybe you should consider moving closer to your family so they can help. Of course, you may lose your job if you do that so bad idea. Maybe they could visit and help or you could hire some help because your husband is no help. He is clearly damaged and you can't help him. You are not a professional and he needs counseling and probably drugs. You should see a marriage counselor. If he refuses, go alone and maybe you will find insight as to how you would up with this guy. It might not be a bad idea to consult a divorce lawyer if he refuses to see a counselor about his problems. If you are being abused, then please call the domestic violence hotline and they will help you make a plan to get out.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 11:18 AM

At six weeks, you still have options.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 11:29 AM

IS it even remotely relevant to you that it is a gift they didn't actually want?
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 11:54 AM

Your husband says "no?" This may sound silly but do you do everything your husband says? Did he buy you at a slave auction? You don't need his permission and if you want an abortion, the time to do it in the first trimester. The longer you wait, the less options you will have.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 12:08 PM

i dont think abortion is the right answer here, it is a horrible thing for any woman to even think about never mind do? there are thousands of women that could give that child a home who cant have children, thou shalt not kill, even worse if you kill your own.
Posted By: makesyoulaugh

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 02:31 PM

Hello Optimus, fore most I'd like to offer you my compassion for you; to read of the distress your experiencing. The position you're in isn't an easy one, I can relate whole heartedly. Please be aware that your life- your opinion- your needs and wants are your first priority. You will be living the life you decide from here on out. I suggest finding a peaceful space to spend time alone. Perhaps, finding a professional listener; to assist you through this decision process, you may find this to be helpful. Please be aware that opinions exists, however the number one opinion that counts the most and affects you the greatest, is your own. One last thing, we all will have pressures that complicate us emotionally and psychologically. Remain true and the very best of friends with yourself; especially during times such as these. May you find your strength and make peace with your predicament. Sincerely, Laugh P S Big Hug
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Fluffernutter6 Update - 02/17/11 07:53 PM

Why are you having a baby you don't want.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 08:15 PM

Do you live in a state where you need his permission?
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 08:17 PM

Why didn't you tell them to just shut the hell up?
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 08:20 PM

Don't kill yourself. There are suicide hotlines that can help and you have options; maybe you can put your baby up for adoption. If you are really desperate, then look into whether or not there is a "safe place" law in your state.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 08:23 PM

It's not your body or your life, it is hers so the decision is hers. It is an option that she has available and she is the one who will have to live with the consequences either way.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/17/11 08:25 PM

What position am I in?
Posted By: makesyoulaugh

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 02/18/11 12:28 PM

(typed incorrect name)...My responce my meant for Jennyt. writer of this post.
Posted By: optimus2535

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom - 04/15/11 07:37 AM

Did you ever consider asking the father to take him more or maybe going to court to force him to take custody (the latter is rare but is certainly does happen). Maybe you could ask (or sue) for child support that you could use to hire a nanny and get back some of your life back.
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