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Susan,

A couple of things. I paragraph 6? of the intro where it reads:

Eventually led to a caved in cardboard box labeled �all pork wieners� I carefully peeled back the disintegrating pressed layers to reveal the biggest amber eyes I have ever seen...

I believe there should be a comma or semi colon after weiners" but Lisa could probably answer this better. Otherwise when I read it, I ask myself, what was eventually led to a caved in cardboard box? Does this make sense?

Also you write where she is out in three feet of snow and yet wind and leaves are swirling around her feet? The leaves would have been covered by all of that snow.

Other than that, it is wonderfully descriptive and I can really picture things in my mind. You've done a wonderful job with it.

Thanks Vance - will go back and re-work those questionable spots - appreciate the input!

Ok I revamped the page and am resubmitting it for your critique.

After a couple of days of riding in dry, dusty country, he was very happy to see green grass, trees and water. The rider went into the woods to look for a place to camp. He had heard the rushing of water nearby and went to investigate. When he dismounted from his horse and walked toward the noise, he as very relieved to see a river. Across the river were lush green meadows. �This is a perfect spot to make camp.� He thought to himself. The horse snorted in relief as the saddle and gear was taken off of his back. The man hen led the horse down to the riverbank and let him drink as he dunked his own head into the cool, refreshing water. After setting up his camp, he set out to find some food. A rabbit got caught in a snare that he made as he was bathing in the river.

That night as he ate some of the rabbit, he reflected on past events. Tobias White Feather is his birth name. His father was a Native American chief and his mother as an escaped slave. The story his mother told him of her escape with some other slaves from a plantation will be something that he will always remember. It was a warm summer night and the slaves had planned the escape for days. When they took the opportunity to make the escape, the slaves waited until they were sure the master was in bed for the evening. When they left the property, the slaves ran until they finally made it to the woods a few miles away. Once there, they split up and went in separate directions. Tobias�s mother and a couple of slaves that she was with, hooked up with a Native American Indian tribe. The tribe accepted them in and the chief laid claim to Tobias�s mother. They were eventually married and a few months later, Tobias was born.

He suddenly became saddened when he remembered the tragedy that befell his family. When he was twelve, his mother, father and most of the other Native Americans in the tribe were slaughtered. He only managed to escape because he was on a hunting trip that day. There were only a handful of braves that survived the slaughter and they brought Tobias to a white family that was quite wealthy by the standards of those days. They were moving on and didn�t want to bring the boy with them. The family, very sympathetic to the plight of the Native peoples, helped the tribe out with money and food when they could and were happy to take the boy in. They changed his name to Christian Slade to protect his identity and raised him as if he were their own. When Tobias was old enough, he family sent him off to school and when the Civil War broke out, Christian enlisted in the Union Army at the age of seventeen. Being part African American and part Native American, he faced a lot of prejudices in the Army.

However, the upper brass began to take notice of him when they saw that he was very skilled at riding, shooting, hand to hand combat and his fluency in Native American languages. After a couple of years, he was given a higher rank and promoted to scout as he was very good at tracking and shooting distance. He was able to hit a target at just over four hundred yards several times with a fifty caliber rifle. Tobias became a sniper for the platoon he was in and killed several Confederate soldiers over the years. He was obviously dark skinned and this worked to his advantage at night. Although he began to gain respect by everyone in his company, he still faced a lot of prejudice and had a couple of attempts made on his life. Standing at 6�4� tall and weighing at two hundred fifty pounds, not too many people wanted to face him in a fight. He was very muscular and was an imposing sight to behold.

One night five soldiers got their drunk on and got brave. They were spouting off about Slade and how he was loved by the officers and the other men of the company an when they saw him walking by, their anger grew and they attacked him but he beat the living hell out of each and every one of them. The men were stripped of their rank the next day and harshly reprimanded. Each one would then apologize to Slade when they saw him. He forgave them and actually became good friends with a couple of them.

A couple of months before the war ended, Christian Slade became a hero when while on scouting patrol came upon a Confederate encampment and saw that there were a couple of Union officers held as prisoners. They were officers from another company and on their way to a Confederate prison. Using the cover of night and taking out a couple of sentries, Slade was able to free the officers and get them to safety. He was awarded a medal from the president for this and when the war ended, he was given a job as a special Federal Marshal that was to travel the country and bring criminals to justice. A lot of his time was spent in what is now Oklahoma but then was known as Indian Territory. There was no law in this area so to speak and became a haven for criminals. The closest law was Fort Smith, Arkansas.

Vance,

Love where the story is headed - prejudice from all sides, skills from many walks of life, a man that has had to fight for and prove himself in many different cultures - a good story.

The second paragraph "hooked up" too modern phrasing - although I am not familiar with western genre fiction so perhaps I am wrong there.

I am sure you are aware of some dropped letters along the way - typos I'm sure.

The other thing I would like to mention is that it may be obvious to you and everyone else that the man is dark skinned but I would choose to say "since he was dark skinned" declaring something obvious can be insulting to the reader if they missed it along the way.

I hope you keep going - now you have me wondering what's going to happen next.

Thank you both for your critique. I truly appreciate it. The typos make me mad because most of them have the first letter of the word missing and is because I get going and sometimes skim right over the letter.

Susan - I used the phrase hooked up because I believe it is all right to use a more modern term during narration of the story and will try to use "period speak" when the characters are conversing. I could be wrong on this but will check it out.

Lisa, I am not sure how not to make it sound like telling someone his story because I am trying to write it like he is thinking back on past life events and it's hard not to use a lot of narration when he is by himself.

Also Lisa, thank you for your email. It is greatly appreciated.

Well, back to the drawing board as they say.

Oh, I have been told that I sometimes mix present tenses with past tenses but no one has been specific about it in my past writings. Have either of you noticed that at all? If you do, please let me know.

Again thank you both so much.

Vance, if you want to write it as though your character is thinking back on past life events, maybe you should try writing it in first person POV. Read Point of View; if that doesn't explain it clearly enough, let me know.

There doesn't have to be a lot of narration, just a bit will do. He could be talking to himself, talking to his horse, remembering what other people said.

I will have to go back and read your story again, but when I read through it the first time I must not have noticed you mixing tenses or I would have said something. Mixing tenses is something that I tend to do, especially when I'm writing out a rough draft.

thank you, Lisa. I will try that

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