BellaOnline Forums Career Fiction Writing Fiction Critique Writing Group

I will post the first story to get things going. The following is the first 1,980 words of the probably first chapter of a book I am working on, �Phantom Academy�. As I said, I am still working on it and a lot may end up being changed. This is still a rough draft, so you may find spelling/grammatical errors.

Please read the Fiction Critique Writing Group format and rules and also submit a critique on this piece of writing before you submit your own writing to be critiqued.


The squalls of cats from the katzenklavier were so loud one could hardly hear anything else. The different musicians, placed all around the academy, diligently played their instruments and tried their best to keep time with the one playing the cat piano. No one could escape from the music, but then no one wanted to. Where would the fun be in celebrating Phantom Day if there were no music?

Students and villagers, some dressed as murderers, some as victims, some as phantoms, danced wildly to the music. People spilled out of every room - class rooms, science labs, the library, the gymnasium, the kitchen, the dining area. Everyone was talking and laughing, though it was impossible to be heard unless you had a bullhorn for a voice.

The music stopped and everyone quit speaking, all at the same time. The unexpected silence was louder than the music had been. Eyes met and stared. What was going on? Hannah, hands shaking as she reached for her bag, was the first to open her mouth. "Gee, that was unexpected, wasn't it? Why did the music stop?�

Everyone gasped as Daelorma, the new girl, entered the room. Decked out as Shadowland's most famous murderess, Jamica Feinstein, she commanded the attention of all. Her black hair peeked out from underneath the witch's hat perched on her head. Perfectly placed holes in black fishnet gloves revealed long red fingernails that raked across the low-cut black gown that fit like a glove. A necklace woven from poisonous flowers adorned her ivory neck. Decorated eyes stared into the room, as if searching for someone special. Her eyes quit moving when they reached Ben. A smile lit up her face as she squealed, "Ben! It's so good to see you!" Daelorma yelled as she ran to where he stood. His eyes grew wide with surprise as her arms wrapped around his neck and planted a kiss on his waiting lips.

Hannah, not sure how to respond, just turned and walked away. Jamica said, "It is so good to see you, Ben. Wanna dance?"

"I don't think so," said Ben. "I came to the celebration with Hannah." He shuffled his feet and looked around the room. �She is my date.�

"But I don't see her anywhere," said Daelorma as she glanced around her. She had watched Hannah leave, she already knew she was nowhere near.

"Great. Hannah? Where did you go?" Ben took off to find Hannah as Daelorma stood there, grinning from ear to ear.

Hannah ran to the library, the emptiest room in all of the academy. That is where Ben finally found her.

"Hannah, I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Have you? I though you were too busy kissing Daelorma." Darts flew from her eyes as she stepped back and defensively crossed her arms in front of her. "I think I'm ready to go home anyways. The celebrations aren't the same since the phantoms don't show up anymore."

"That's good they don't show up, Hannah. That means the crime rate is almost nothing now."

"Or maybe the phantoms just aren't wanting to see their murderers punished." She grabbed her jacket. "I think I'll leave now so you can spend some more time with Daelorma."

"Hannah, that's not fair. Daelorma picked me out of the crowd. She's the one who was coming on to me."

"Didn�t seem to be a whole lot of resistance coming from you. See you later, Ben." she said on her way out the door.


Hannah, once the decision was made to let go of Ben, reflected upon their past relationship. He had fooled her into thinking that he would remain faithful to her and her alone for the rest of their lives, that they would marry once they both graduated. She mourned the death of what had been a beautiful relationship, but life would go on.

Relationships here in Spirit City sure are confusing, thought Hannah. Sure, you were always involved with someone, just not for very long. Marriage, or permanent relationships, were few and far between. Most men here are so shallow that the majority of relationships are of the temporary variety. If a man chose to be involved in a permanent relationship, with or without marriage, then any children born were the responsibility of the father. If the relationship was only temporary, then the mother was solely responsible for any children. The father was not even made to claim them. I really though Ben and I had agreed on a relationship of the permanent type. One that would result in marriage.

Not watching where she was going, she accidentally bumped into the wall. Looking up, she saw that she had taken a wrong turn and was now in the unused section of the academy, the original part of the school that was no longer used. "Great. That�s what I get for not watching where I�m going. Now I�ve got to find my way out of here."

A figure floated past her. "Whoever you are, the celebration is in the other part of the academy, the new part. Float over there and entertain them for a while. This celebration definitely needs at least one phantom, even if it isn't real."

The figure stopped moving and hovered in the air in front of her. A familiar blue haze began to develop around the figure. "What are you looking at? Who are you, anyways?"

The form began to take on the shape of a child with hair the color of carrots, but evaporated as a voice called out her name. "Hannah! What are you doing over here?"

"Hi Miss Davenport. I wasn't watching where I was going. Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Can you possibly direct me back to the party?"

"Sure thing. go straight down this hall. There should still be a door there that you can go out through," said Savannah Davenport. "By the way, are you by yourself? I thought I heard you talking to someone."

"Someone made up like a phantom floated past. One of the celebrants must have lost their way, too. I told them to go back to the party. Thanks for telling me how to get out of here."

"Your welcome," said Savannah. "I�ll go look for your mysterious phantom and inform any stragglers that this part of the academy if off limits for now."


Ben wandered back into the celebration by himself. Daelorma bumped into him. �Did you find Hannah?�

Ben didn�t have a clue where she was. Not wanting to show Daelorma that she was the reason Hannah left the party he said, "She decided to go home early this year. Says it just isn't the same since no phantoms have appeared here for years".

"I�m sure she'll be back. Isn't she supposed to help with clean up this year?"

"She's liable to leave it all for me to do by myself. I�m going to go find something to drink."

At the refreshment table Ben grabbed a Jamican White Lightning, named after the woman who systematically killed her many lovers one by one with this very same drink, except what she gave them was laced with arsenic.

A beautiful woman, Jamica Feinstein had been one of Shadowland�s top teachers. No one realized that she had been teaching more than science. She lived two completely different lives. By day, an intellectual scholar who had earned a reputation as a great teacher. After school hours she transformed into a temptress, one who performed experiments on her many sex-hungry lovers. When done experimenting on them, she would give them a cup of tea laced with arsenic or whatever other poison she wanted to study the effects of . While they lay writhing in pain, she would take notes of the effects the poison was having on the test subject.

No one associated this temptress with the sedate science teacher, the same one who assisted in hunting for the murderer of all these men, found dead in the woods with looks of horror on their faces. No one thought that this �lady of the night� could have anything to do with the murders. If she did, then why with such a huge hunt going on would she still be seen every night?

Then it was decided by the counsel of phantoms that murder victims could return to Shadowland and tell who killed them, if they wanted to. Who wouldn�t want to see their murderer punished?

She wouldn't have been caught, but victim number 6 wasn�t embarrassed. Angry she had got the best of him, he wanted her to pay for her crimes. The rest of her victims were too embarrassed for it to be known they had been with her. Though it was considered to be perfectly normal for men and women to be intimate with whoever they wished, or how many they wished, it would be rather humiliating to find out that one had been deceived.

�Say, don�t you think that Daelorma looks like Jamica Feinstein? Especially when she dresses like that murdering teacher�s alter ego did?�

�Hadn�t noticed before,� answered Ben.

�Guess not. You were too busy enjoying the kiss she planted on you,� laughed Axel, a young man whose father had been of Jamica�s victims. His father hadn�t raised him, but he was his exact double. No convincing anyone that his father was someone else.

�Just because Jamica seduced your father is no reason to make trouble for me,� said Ben. �Daelorma is beautiful, but I really don�t want anything to do with her. I hope that Hannah will forgive me. What would Hannah act if a really cute guy walked up and planted a kiss on her? Would she not kiss him back? Or would she just shove him away? Probably not.� Ben set his drink down on the table beside him. �Speaking of Hannah, I need to go find her. Don�t want her thinking that I don�t care.�

He made his way over the door of the auditorium and pushed his way through the crowd of costumed partiers gathered there. �Hey, watch where you�re going man!� yelled one disguised as the victim of the Shadowland bank robbery. �I would have moved if you had bothered to ask.�

Ben quickened his pace to get away from them all. When he reached the classrooms he slowed down so he could look inside each one. Three floors of classrooms full of costumed people, but Hannah was nowhere to be seen among them. Surely she wouldn�t have gone over to the old section of the academy. Might as well have a look, just in case.

Hannah, still not watching where she was headed, walked right into Ben as he rounded the corner. �There you are. I thought you managed to leave before I could find you,� he said as he wrapped his arms around her. �Stop squirming,� he said as he struggled to keep hold of her.� When she finally quit fighting him, he said, �Don�t forget. We�re supposed to clean up when everyone leaves.�

�Bother. You�re right. No matter how mad I am at you, I can�t leave you to clean up all this mess without some help.� She shook his arms from around her. Light glinted off the silver bracelets adorning her arms her hands combed through her raven hair. Daggers flew from her ice blue eyes as she said, �You best not have been lying to me about Daelorma. If I ever catch you fooling around with her again, we�re done.�

�I swear to you, Hannah, you are the only one for me. Daelorma must have a crush on me or something. Truly, I want nothing to do with her. Besides, what would you do if some gorgeous fellow walked up and, without warning, kissed you?�

�Guess it would take me by surprise. Just don�t let it happen again.�

Website copyright � 2009 Lisa Binion
All rights reserved



The following sample critique is one that I received on the entire probable first chapter of the book, 2759 words long.
It is friendly, yet points out possible improvements that could be made.

Sample critique: Interesting story. I like the world you've set up here. The marriage/raising the child thing came off as very original. One thing I'd watch is dialogue. It seems everyone says exactly what's on their minds. But I like the love triangle going on here. A lot of angst.

Some really wonderful ideas in this story. Very intrigued to know more about Shadowland and its ghostly inhabitants. I like how quickly you created tension. And love the different social mores in play.

I'm in agreement with the first critique regarding the dialogue (something I have a great deal of trouble with myself). When people say exactly what's on their mind it creates, in my mind anyway, a feel of immaturity of sorts.

I really like the imagery in the first paragraph but the first sentence may be a bit too much too soon - I had to read it several times to fully get the whole pictures.

Am definitely interested in reading more.

Thanks, Susan. Like I said, it definitely needs work. My characters tend to be like me and speak their mind. Maybe once I learn how to keep them quiet, I'll succeed in being a bit more quiet myself.

I have the same problem LOL - let me know if it works for you.

This was a great idea - I sure hope it goes well.

I love the story so far. However, it felt like I was coming in the middle of the story instead of the beginning. You've mentioned a lot of things that you did not describe right away. For instance, when you mentioned the phantoms and the crime wave that follows them and I am not sure if they are ghost-like phantoms or a gang of kids.

Also, i don't know if Shadowlands is the name of the academy or the town name. At first, I thought it might be the name of the academy until you mentioned the Shadowlands bank robbery and prior to that, I thought that Spirit City was the name of the town.

It left me a bit confused but it seems to be a captivating story once the confusion is cleared up.

Thank you for the critique, Vance. I'm eager to see how my story turns out when I'm done with it.

Now I am ready for you all to post some of your writing to be critiqued. Remember, before you post, make sure you have critiqued at least one piece of someone else's writing. The critiques given about my writing are great examples to follow.

Ok here is mine. It, too, is a rough draft and needs some work as well as the names I am still working on as well.

It is a Western genre novel so tell me what you think so far.

After a couple of days of riding in dry, dusty country, he was very happy to see green grass, trees and water. The rider went into the woods to look for a place to camp. He had heard the rushing of water nearby and went to investigate. He dismounted from his horse and walked toward the noise. He stepped out of the woods and saw a river. Across the river were lush green meadows. He thought that this place would be a good place to make camp for the night. He stripped his horse of its gear and led him down to the water to drink. He took a drink and dunked his head in the water. He then set up a camp, started a fire and hunted for some food. He snared a rabbit and had a good meal for once in a matter of days. He emptied out his pockets, grabbed his bar of soap and went into the river to bathe and clean up his clothes to wash the dirt and dust off.

He then stripped off his clothes and hung them on a branch over the campfire so hey would dry. He then wrapped himself in a blanket, ate some rabbit and went to sleep. This man goes by many names but his birth name is Danny White Feather. His mother was an escaped slave that was taken in by a Native American tribe and she was married to Chief White Feather. Danny is half African American and half Native American. When he was twelve, his mother, father and most of the other Native Americans in the tribe were slaughtered. He only managed to escape because he was on a hunting trip that day.

There were only a handful of braves that survived the slaughter and they brought Danny to a white family that was quite wealthy by the standards of those days. The family helped the tribe out with money and food when they could and were happy to take the boy in. They changed his name to Christian Slade to protect his identity. They raised him and sent him off to school and when the Civil War broke out, Christian enlisted in the Union Army at the age of seventeen. The upper brass began to take notice of him when they saw that he was very skilled at riding, shooting, hand to hand combat and his fluency in Native American languages.

After a couple of years, he was given a higher rank and made a scout as he was very good at tracking and shooting distance. He was able to hit a target at just over four hundred yards several times with a fifty caliber rifle. He became a sniper for the platoon he was in and killed several Confederate soldiers over the years. He was obviously dark skinned and this worked to his advantage at night.

Although he was respected by everyone in his company, he still faced a lot of prejudice and had a couple of attempts made on his life. Standing at 6�4� tall and weighing at two hundred fifty pounds, not too many people wanted to face him in a fight. He was very muscular and was an imposing sight to behold. One night five soldiers got their drunk on and got brave. They were spouting off about Slade and how he was loved by the officers and the other men of the company an when they saw him walking by, their anger grew and they attacked him but he beat the living hell out of each and every one of them.

The men were stripped of their rank the next day and harshly reprimanded. Each one would then apologize to Slade when they saw him. He forgave them and actually became good friends with a couple of them.
A couple of months before the war ended, Christian Slade became a hero when while on scouting patrol came upon a Confederate encampment and saw that there were a couple of Union officers held as prisoners. They were officers from another company and on their way to a Confederate prison. Using the cover of night and taking out a couple of sentries, Slade was able to free the officers and get them to safety.

He was awarded a medal from the president for this and when the war ended, he was given a job as a special Federal Marshal that was to travel the country and bring criminals to justice. A lot of his time was spent in what is now Oklahoma but then was known as Indian Territory. There was no law in this area so to speak and became a haven for criminals. The closest law was in Fort Smith, Arkansas.

Thank you, Lisa. I had planned on putting in prejudices that he had faced and doing a flashback or two as well. I never thought about doing a dialogue with just one person, i.e. his thoughts. That's a good idea.

I will definitely repost when I dress it up a bit for further critique.

Vance,

Great ideas in your story and I really cannot add anything better to Lisa's critique. I know it is a rough draft but my own opinion is too many sentences begin with "He". I think if you use Lisa's suggestion with flashback and one-person dialogue you will easily find differenct approaches.

Look forward to reading the polished version.