BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult children of abusive families

good lord I got alot of company, sadly but also it helps to hear I am not alone. I was abused severly. My brother told me things I do not remember and now I know why I had blocked it, I can't even write what it was, not sure anyone would believe me anyhow...but anyhow, I am glad I found this site. I have been thinking of writing a book, to never be published but for me, to read bout my life and to get it OUT of my body before it turns into disease. I feel ashamed of what people did to me over the years, people who were suppose to be my family and church family, its just too much sometimes. I now understand why I pulled out my hair so long ago, and had no hair for a time, cause deep down I learned to take on others faults and pain and make them mine...always trying to make everyone like me and accept me...funny thing is that I never had real friends, just people who led me on, later felt I was too needy or too hurt and was abanonded. TOday I am doing better, I am making friends, but they seem to be judging my choices to not be in contact with my family, of course they do not know my life and I rather not go there, I sometimes feel as if they think there must be something wrong with me cause I refuse to talk to them, one even invites me to church often, I think she thinks that I need god so that I can forgive...what people do not get is that for me to turn the other cheek is to in my honest opinion is to allow them to abuse me more, and to do damage to my family that I have now, that is healthy and happy, cause I Had WORKED myself to death trying to do differently and to educate myself. My sister obviously wants to be the good guy and inherit everything, which she may...I want nothing. ALl I ever wanted was love and atteniton and that I never got, all I ever got was pain, lies and told how bad I am when I was just innocent child who was used and hurt beyond belief. My brother is violent, so of course I can't be close to him, no one seems to understand this, I guess unless you lived this you cannot really understand and you judge those who disconnect..all I know is that I amdone trying to get people to care, to understand and etc, all I get is judgement... I am just plain tired, sorry to rant on.

wow. thanks everyone for sharing. i had completely buried myself in religion but the collapse of two churches led me outward. though i have been through enormous healing and an amazing amount of progress, trying to succeed in more normal social relationships has brought an awareness of how deeply damaged i still am. recently, my mother was very cruel to me while i was in a very weak place (of course, that's when it happens most) and it raised all kinds of buried realizations about the actual damage she had incurred. i accepted my father's part of the problem long ago and had dealt with that relationship. his was more "obvious" because it involved physical and verbal abuse as well as sexually odd behaviors. i don't have any contact with him any more. hers was more subtle. she appears to be trying to grow when she isn't really, and appears to be well-intentioned when all she really wants is to use me and my family. this is certainly the first time i've ever really verbalized that. thank you so much for giving me permission to walk away from that relationship. in succeeding more and more (it is SO possible. give yourself permission to be strong and to care for yourself. hug yourself and pet yourself and be so kind to yourself. you are beautiful, precious little girls :), i've had symptoms of post traumatic stress come up unexpectedly and grab me and i need to be able to get past these blocks in order to be who i am and succeed for my children, so they can see how strong and lovely they can be too. the biggest thing right now has been how to get them out of my head. how do i walk away inside of myself? how do i give myself permission not to care and remain soft and kind as a person? you all have said some good things. those who have abused us don't deserve our beauties. other people will be blessed by us and we can contribute amazing things to those who will appreciate us when we walk away from their garbage. but, oh, it's hard and it's deep... be brave and pursue peace.

tinka, I'm not sure that you will ever completely get them out of your head. Abuse is a very difficult thing to forget. The scars last for a very long time. However, walking away from them, within yourself, can be done through journaling, therapy, and empowerment. It is possible to walk away from your past. It took me awhile to learn that, but it is possible. Our past will always be just that...our past. We have endured what we have and there is no changing that. But, we do not have to allow it to control our present lives or our future lives. It is so important to grasp ahold of our future and to let our past remain there. I hope this helps.

im currently living in a sitution where i have no where to go. i am a young single mom with two kids ,a low income job and living with a controlling manipulative mom who judges evrything i do. i'm pretty much the only one who cleans the house. i get yelled at if i don't do what she wants.she's threaten to hurt and has smacked me in the past.she trys to take over with my kids.im 24 years old this is ridiculus i'm mature for my age but she won't get off my [censored] because i'm not like her and i don't want to be.i am in counseling but things aren't going to change.i'm so sad and angry i ve been in denial for awhile.i cut my grandma out of my life after she abused my brother. so that i did have some control over.fortunately i do have supportive friends to talk to and cry on for the time being.

how do distance yourself when u have no where else to go?

I feel safe reading all these posts....lets me know I'm definitely not alone. I was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups in San Diego County. I have a family that is beyond dysfunctional and very abusive. I don't have any friends really but that is by choice and for good reason. I just want the psychological abuse to end. It's been going on since I was a kid and I can't move on until they are out of my life. I feel guilty because I let my son be around them. I never never never wanted any of this for my son. I wanted him to be a free spirit and not be the victim of family politics. The good news is I have my own house and space. I'm not stuck with them. Yesterday was the last straw for me and hopefully I can lay it to rest for good. Has anyone ever considered suing their parent for abuse? For abuse that has continued through adulthood? I am surprised to see SO many people posting on this forum. Thanks for reading my post. If you wanna send me a PM and just talk please feel free.

amandak,
Is there a program where you live, such as Section 8, that helps with rent? If so, is there a possibility that you can apply for that program? Is there an abuse shelter that you can call and get help from? Do you have any friends that can take you and your children in at this time? I feel so sad that you are continuing to endure the abuse from your mother. The ideal situation would be for you to find another place to live so you don't have to be abused any longer. It must also be difficult for your children.

Can your counselor help you to find a program that can help you with shelter, financial assistance, and food stamps?

Honestly, it will be very hard to distance yourself from your abuser when you have no other place to go. My recommendation is to try the suggestions I listed above and in the meantime, do not try to confront your mother on the issues right now, since I do not believe that will be safe for you or your children. Please do keep me updated on how you are doing. I am concerned for your safety, as well as for your children's safety.

UglyPrincess,

I'm so happy to hear that you feel so safe here in the forum. There are many supportive members here that will help to support and encourage you along your journey.

Regarding any support groups there may be, is there an agency that helps victims of domestic violence in your area? That would be the first place to call and see about groups available.

I'm so happy to hear that you have your own place to live and that you and your son are not constantly exposed to the abuse from your family members.

I don't personally know of any cases where the child abuse victim sued their parents for abusing them, but I will definitely research that for a future article. That is a great question and it is one that I am now curious about.

Please feel free to post here whenever you like, since there are so many supportive and encouraging members on this forum.

Please do keep me updated on how you are doing.

Hello. I joined this forum because of this topic and the wonderful support I was reading here. Those who have posted have given me strength and insight. I have abusive parents who are divorced. My mum did the work - joined a 12 step program and got counseling. She has not only made amends to me but we work on communicating and have a great relationship. So it IS possible, but ONLY (in my opinion) if the parent is hell bent on getting well. The majority of the sick population will never admit they did anything wrong. My father on the other hand is the one who won't see what he has done. I can't have anything to do with him and it makes me feel so very guilty. He is elderly now and in an assisted living situation and needs me desperately. But I am not in a place where I can deal with his guilt games - and how long until it turns ugly? Not to mention that deep inside I still have all that pain. I was never allowed to express any "un approved" emotion as a child - so all those feelings come rushing back when he talks about the past. My grandmother was also abusive to me (emotionally) and when she died I was a bit sad, but mostly RELIEVED and because she has passed on I feel free. Thank you all for posting - I feel that I can stand and say I am not going to have contact with him, no matter if it makes me seem like an awful person or not.

Acorn,
I'm so glad that you are receiving so much strength from this forum. You most certainly can stand firm and not have contact with your abuser and it does not make you an awful person. On the contrary, it means you are practicing self-care and allowing yourself the right to be safe emotionally.