BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Need support - I hate being a mom

Hi Heam,

Try not to feel too hard on yourself. I can really feel the sincerity and by no means are you alone, though I absolutely think it feels that way sometimes.

When I had my daughter, I was gettng out of a horrible relationship and I had funky things going on with my bloodwork. My family was out in CT so, I very much did everything on my own, daycare, shopping, educating, feeding, cleaning, working, blah......

As my daughter got older, it became easier. There's about 3 years in there that are hard but if you have family that really is helpful. If you told them not everything, but that you emotionally could use some "you" time to get your life in some form of a routine you're experimenting with, they may consider helping?

You do let go of independence and spur of the moment fun times, but you also learn things - really about yourself and things you're good at that you didn't even know and those become more solid. Once you get the support system in place, you get your independance back and you can make arrangements to do those fun things.

I never lost myself to motherhood, but I did find I had to share my me-time the brokerage firm offered with trips, bonuses, etc. If you shuffle the pieces around a little bit, they really do settle into place

_____________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

I really worry about you with these statements.

I know not every Mom that is unhappy suffers from PostPartum Depression, but these are what I call "bile black pit thoughts". The reason I call them that, is because I have had similar thoughts, and I suffer from Clinical Depression (not just post partum but all the time) and I feel like I'm in a bile black pit when these types of thoughts are running in my head.

I am worried that you might hurt yourself or your baby without even meaning to, just one of those moments when he is crying and won't stop. My youngest did one of those days - in order to keep from shaking him - I laid him in his crib while he kept screaming, and I locked myself in the laundry room and called my husband and told him he HAD to come home. He did, immediately, because I was hysterical on the phone.

You say your family won't let you give him up for adoption. Do you live with them? Are they close enough to you that they can come to your aid like my husband did? If not, then for the safety of the child AND you, there may not be a choice BUT adoption. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Yes they will be angry at first, but eventually they will forgive you. Especially if they understand that you feared for the babies safety because of your mindset.

Please talk to your doctor or a counselor about PPD. I am NOT suggesting you ask them for medications, I think you should ask for counseling 1st and see what the therapist thinks and what you get out of that first.

I hope all goes well for you, whether you keep your baby or not.

{Hugs}

Hi, I have to say I can't believe after 3 years, this post is still on the top of the forum. If possible, I really wanted to help organize a service to consel people who plan to have kids. I think all of us can offer great service to those people to let them make a more informative decision.

For me, my girl is now over 3. Yes, she has slept through the night, she has been potty trained, she actually eats pretty well, she is a good girl most of the time. BUT, let me tell you, if I could choose again, I would never choose to be a mom. So for me, and maybe others, this is not a short term postpartum depression that can be treated by meds. I am just not cut out to be a mom, period.

I have more of me time now, actually a lot of me time since she is going to day care now. But it is the fact that now i am a mom, that means my daily schedule is pretty much the same everyday. Dinner at 6, shower at 8, bedtime story to follow... Some days I really just want to eat out, well, that means I either need to call a sitter, pay extra money for a couple hours of dinner; or take her out which means it may be more stressful because she could be in a bad mood that night. Most of time, i just have to stick to the same routine to call it a night.

Life with a kid is boring. It really is, no matter what other people told me. I even hate when people asked you when you will have the 2nd one, and then looked surprised when you say you just want one. Come on, that is my personal business, why do they care!?

I don't know why they care but I have to admit that I have said the same thing, "Are you having another?" as though kids are like Lay's potato chips (you can't just eat one.) And I'm sorry for my insensitivity now.

You need lessons and a license before you drive a car but nothing is required before you marry and have kids. The thing about lessons is that they still wouldn't predict who will make a good parent and who would enjoy it versus who would not. Whe a kid is born, something biological happens in the brain and bonding kicks in. Not all the time, but most of the time.

No doubt, some people just don't have the nurturing gene. No big deal. There are plenty of other great genes to inherit.

But since you do have a child already, Jenny, I wonder if you've thought of the following:

1. This is your life and your child. You can raise her how you see fit. You make the rules. Who says you have to have a boring routine?
2. Routines are good for kids but sometimes, kids need to know that life is not that rigid. Plans change. Spontaneity and flexibility are good.
3. If you're bored, chances are that she's bored, too. Can you think up fun things to do with her? My kids had medical problems and life was tough, but it was never boring. Remember what it was like when you were a kid and let that inner child come out to play again.

Do you have your own personal interests? If you're fulfilled, your satisfaction will overflow into your relationships and into your parenting. What do you do with your new "me" time?

God I hate that too, everybody, even people who know me well and know what I went through (at least I told them, although it doesn't look like they were listening), keep asking about the second one. I get so mad I can be rude, "I did not want one in the first place why would I do it again", but then it is all about people thinking kids are the best thing since sliced bread and being unable to believe you have not changed after such a "wonderful experience".

I totally agree with Jenny T, sticking to routines is the least stressful option. For example: when my parents in law are here, they insist that we all go have lunch together at my son's "siesta time", he is tired and moody and I don't enjoy it at all, although I always delegate to my husbabd in these cases.

Routine does not necessarily means doing nothing. My son goes swimming once a week, plays with his legos, goes to day care 3 hours a day... He is not bored, he is having a blast, always laughing. I am the one who is bored.

JennyT, I think this was a wonderful thread that you started. It let so many other women know that they are not alone in their feelings. I know in dealing with my Depression (not over my children, just Depression in general) it helped so much having other people to talk to that knew exactly what I was talking about!

You mention wanting to start a service to counsel people; have you ever thought about getting a counseling degree and then maybe going to work at an adoption agancy or a planned parenthood agency? Or, even better - start your own practice and cater to Moms just like yourself who feel they are in the wrong place. That would be an amazing way to turn what has been a fairly traumatic experience for you to some good. You can't change your past, but you might be able to affect someone else's future.

hye jennyt..i really understang how u feel.i've a son who's gonna be 2 next month.he's a really active boy n he took all the time i had in the world. i don't go shopping anymore, no travelling, even a trip to the market is so impossible without help. i lost myself in this parenting world, and the best part is my husband doesn't n i hated him for it. he still goes clubbing, karaoke, staying out till late at night with his friends. he also has a girlfriend outside. i used to confront him regarding this n what i get is shouting n beating..my son really looked like my husband, so i used to hate my son a lot.n i'm the one supporting myself n my son as i make 3 times of his salary. i'm my husband's 2nd wife, n he got 3 kids with his other wife, a car to pay n his paying for 5 mobile lines.with my ever so active son, my difficult job,my unfaithful husband, sometimes i really feel like i need time out. just leave everything behind n start a new life. n i had 2 abortion 7 years ago n i regretted it now. my life sucks badly but the only thing that's a blessing in my life is my son.he's very active, but he's also the sweetest boy & i know that he loves me a lot.pls jenny, don't give your daughter away.think about how you'd feel if your mom gave u away.believe that all this sacrifices as a mom will paid off when she grows up.just be patient for few more years.she will be your best friend one day. i really do not want u to be as regretful as i am now when i think about the 2 abortions i made.

Heam, Oh you sweet thing. I am childless (although I am a step-mom)and know that I DO NOT want a child. I see what my friends go through; the stress, no sleep, no time for yourself, etc. and I KNOW that I don't want that. Please know that there are people out there just like you. MANY women just won't admit that that's how they feel. They feel like a terrible person for saying that they hate being a mom, but you/they shouldn't. If you REALLY feel that you aren't sure that you can do this, I do highly recommend looking into adoption. I don't think it's fair to you or baby to be miserable. Or wonder, "how much longer can I take this?" Please don't beat yourself up too much for how you feel. Just know that many others feel the same way, they are just too ashamed to say it out loud. I will pray for you!

Oh yeah life with kids is very boring. And no, they are NOT bored at all!!! They love the pet shop, museums, pool, hunting for things in the woods. Believe me they are always busy. But it's hard and you always have to keep an eye on them. Hey JennyT, I appreciate you continuing to post. I've followed this thread for a long time and just now decided to join and start posting. I think a number of women are just not cut out for motherhood, yet we are always told how wrong we are....we must just not be doing it the right way....etc etc. You know what, you're entitled to not enjoy motherhood. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies but man, it's not what you think it's going to be. My kids are happy and that means the world to me but it was very important to me to get back to work because I need that kind of stimulation. Being a SAHM SUCKED!!!!! I don't know how any sane person can do it. I don't think adoption is the answer. You are obviously her mom and making the best of it. It will probably be easier as she gets more independent and you got lucky and have a pretty easy kid, from the sounds of things. Hang in there, JennyT and keep posting.You help the rest of us not feel so alone.