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Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Angela P] #487361 01/23/09 03:20 PM
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Solalux Offline
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Originally Posted By: Angela P

In the meantime, just remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Accentuate the positive. Since I'm childfree, I'm tend to focus on the positive aspects of it, which I don't need to list here. But of course, I, like many CF people, sometimes let my mind wander to "the other side of the fence," and wonder what my life would have been like with a little one or two. Since you were so honest about posting some of your true (less than stellar) feelings about being a mom, I'll confess to some thoughts I have at times I wish I knew what being a mom was like (and for more of these sentiments, visit the CF forum and look up the post on "My CF Confessions").

1. I will never have the experience of preparing a life inside me, rubbing my belly, nuturing the miracle God gave me until it's ready for the world.
2. It must be wonderful to be in the delivery room with your husband, preparing to see your son or daughter for the first time, holding hands and coming together in tears when he or she arrives.
3. To hold that little hand for the first time, look in your husband's eyes and reflect, "We made that..." must be a galactically beautiful feeling unmatched by anything we could ever experience.
4. Watching them grow and experience the world under your care must be really neat, too. I love teaching and watching little ones sponge up what I show them and what they see on their own.



Sorry if I sound too brutal here, but these confessions are exactly the kind of lies/ fantasies lots childfree women have to endure all their lives.
1) I was pregnant and never rubbed my belly. I hated being pregnant, and even when I tried to be nice it felt a very weird and fake thing to do.
2) It is not wonderful to be in a delivery room. Even women who are vocational moms can only lie if they say it is. I cried 35 hours, I only stopped when I got rid of the pain.
3) I didn`t smile for days. My first smiles were fake.
4) Thank God I am a little more positive in this respect.

If you think you are missing so much you are not childfree, you are just childless.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Solalux] #487795 01/24/09 11:51 PM
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Hi, I can't believe this thread's been going on for over 2 years and I've read ALL the responses. I wanted to put my story here. This afternon I just had another blow out with my husband about how much I hate being a mother. I have 2 wonderful sons, 7 and 5 years old, a handsome caring husband, a wonderful career, had a full-time nanny, live in a nice apt in Manhattan, have great friends, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm spoiled, I'm selfish, whatever--I totally feel for "unhappy mom". I have it all, but why am I so miserable?? I too fantasized for years about getting divorced, running away, disappearing, killing myself. Because despite the years of therapy and being on meds (they both saved me) being a mother is all about selflessness, humility, and letting go of control. All of which I struggle with daily. Some people have loneliness, financial and health problems, but what I deal with is the essential annihilation of my selfhood. I lose my cool, my good common sense, my authority when I am arguing with my sons about gloves, which toys to take, etc. I am also reduced to being my parent's good little girl when I am doing certain activities (like taking my sons outside in below freezing weather) because my husband expects me to. Here is the elephant in the room. I've been with my husband since I was 20 years old. I never wanted to children but he always did. When I was 35, he pretty much laid down a veiled threat. He wanted kids or he would have to "rethink the marriage." Rather than letting him go, I agreed to have kids (I was madly in love him). I figured, I do a lot of things I don't necessarily want to do, but I adjust. What I didn't understand was that being a mom is a daily struggle for me, even after 7+ years. I LOVE my sons. I just don't love my life, or me, or my husband anymore. I try so hard to be a good mom, to avoid the mistakes my mom did, and if I were to see from the outside, I would say that I AM a great mom. But it is so hard for me to enjoy this process. Isn't that the difference between a lover and a whore--one of them pretends. I've never faked anything before but now I do. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life--I am busy cleaning, wiping, brushing, putting on shoes, yelling, cajoling, threatening. My neighbors see me all dressed up to go to work like Im all put together but I know they heard me yelling at my kids and fighting with my husband last night. I feel like the dignity and self-esteem I worked so hard to achieve in my life are in shatters. I walked into motherhood fully knowing I did not want it, and now I am committed to it. I think people who "want" to be mothers are fooling themselves. Evolution does not make anyone want to be parents, it just happens because you have sex (or raped). You care about the environment? don't have kids! My husband asked me yesterday if I had to do it all over again, would I have kids? No. Would I have married him? No. It just so happens that I had a tough week (Obama's inauguration notwithstanding)! Ask me another week and the answers might be different! Nevermind how having kids changed our marriage (or how it changed me). A couple of days ago I had a break-through. I was coming from work, picking up the kids from school and resenting the hell out of the fact that I was not sitting in one of the swanky bars I passed by, sipping a cocktail. I had a tough day at work, don't I deserve a happy hour, maybe flirt a little with young men, etc? but no, the only young men I was going to see are my sons who will immediately demand things and turn me into a beleaguered middle-aged mom. I pulled up my sagging shoulders and smiled brightly into their faces, as if I were truly happy to start my second shift. Normally this "faking" would make me feel like a lousy mom for not really "feeling" it--the usual war between resentment and guilt. But I suddenly felt a surge of sympathy for this woman, who smiled for the sake of her sons despite all the roiling emotions. And all of a sudden I felt whole--my love for my sons and my compassion for me were one. Despite my ambivalence (let's be honest--"repulsion") to motherhood, I think it will help me grow and my marriage to be more substantial. Isn't that why they call it growing pains? I am not sure I want to grow that much frankly (what fun is in that), but I walked into this and I am committed to walking out of it as a grown-up.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: bojean] #488064 01/26/09 12:33 PM
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Great message, so well and powerfully written. I only have one son and I live in Luxembourg (Europe). The rest I could have signed it myself.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Solalux] #489825 01/31/09 07:13 PM
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I just stumbled on this forum while doing a random search for "I hate being a mom". First off, I am not someone who hates being a mom (although I am not someone who dreamt of motherhood all my life either). Neverthless, now that I am a mom, I am enjoying it more than I expected and doing the best I can.I saw the original post as well as some of the initial replies. Though I dont really identify with that persons problem, I feel really sorry for her and hope that she is coping with it now.The reason I did a search for "hate being a mom" is completely different. I am not even sure if most posters on this thread who probably live in the west in typical nuclear families would even understand. But I have been carrying this for so long that I just need to vent. I have a 2 year old whom I love immensely and wouldn't want to change being a mom for anything else. But my problem is that my actions as a mom are constantly criticised and watched and every little fault is analysed and reported to my husband by others in the family. Sometimes by family members who live with us and at other times by those who are just occasional visitors. By now, I guess he is also convinced of my incompetence as a mom. Consequently, I feel drained out and gradually feel like I am losing faith in my own ability to be a good mom. But I get this constant stream of advice and criticism 24 X 7.How is one supposed to cope with it? You could say ignore it. But what if the person who does this to you lives with you under the same roof? When I tell my husband about it, he simply justifies this by pointing out some of the mistakes I have made in the past. Frankly speaking like all human beings (and like all other moms) I have made my share of mistakes and learnt from them. Nothing really serious though. I am sure all moms (and dads) would accept this. But does that mean you are incompetent and need to be watched over like a little child 24 X 7 and told what to do? Gradually, I am withdrawing from some of the parenting activities and letting other people do them (especially when they point out that I am not doing it the right way or whatever). But I am also consumed by guilt for not standing up to such people and doing my own thing as a parent. The net result is that I often end up thinking that things would have been better, especially for my child had I not become a parent at all. This is exarcebated by the fact that my own mother is a strong woman and never let people dictate her parenting style. Fortunately, for her she did not live with the kind of people I have to. But even if she had to I think she would have handled it differently. All this makes me think that my child will never have the image of a strong and dependable mom that I had. This makes me all the more sad. On top of all this, I work full time whereas my mom was a homemaker. So my child spends less time with me and more time with people who think I do a lousy job. I could easily quit my job but it would be difficult to keep my sanity in an environment where I am constantly criticised.I am expecting another one soon and cant imagine going through that entire routine again. But I know I will have to. And btw, I am not refering to the typical inconveiences you have with a little one (night waking, constant feeding, diaper changes etc). Though it is daunting, emotionally it does not scare me the way people around me and their behaviour does. I know all this is completely unrelated to this thread but I just needed to vent. Thanks to anyone who reads this. If there is anyone in a similar position, it would be great if you could share your thoughts as well as your coping strategies. Atleast for the sake of my kids, I would like to be mentally strong.

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: kmom] #491143 02/05/09 03:51 AM
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I appreciate the editor's and freelance writer's response. I'm not sure if replied they b/c my situation is serious. Well it is...I have been having a very hard time - 3 years ago, I had my own apartment, a great job and group of friends. Since then, I've sold my apartment, lost money, lost my job and now have a baby. My relationship is hanging by a thread btw we are not married. I figured out today that I must be bipolar - manic depressive - to have put myself in such a precarious situation. I don't know if I'm selfish but I don't want to do birthdays, kindergarten, elementary school, high school, etc. Being the eldest I've raised my 3 siblings when we were young , taken care of my brother on my own when he was 16 and again at 20, helped my ex raise his kids, and cared for my dying mother and grandmother when their time came. I don't have it in me to raise a child. I don't want to spend the rest of my life, money, time, energy caring for another person. My partner did not want a child and she was not planned. I've never disliked anything in my whole life except this and I can't get out. I am essentially stuck. Everyday I wish it would just end. At least the father has agreed to come to counseling with me. We'll see how that goes.

Last edited by Madness; 02/05/09 04:21 AM.
Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Madness] #491199 02/05/09 12:45 PM
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I'm very glad the Dad is going to counseling with you.

Bi-polar can definitely get you into some bad situations. When you are on the high end - you take amazing risks because it seems like nothing in the world can harm you or like you have to cram living all into one day to make up for the time you lost to the days you spent in the black depression of the lows. (Can you tell I've been there? Still am at times)

I don't think it is selfish to recognize that you are not ready or prepared to deal with something.

I know there are many loving parents out there that do want children and can't have them - maybe this is God's way of evening things out.

I also want to say, as for my last post - I did not mean to imply that I was belittling what any of you feel. I was just hoping to offer some encouraging and comforting words. Because there are some of you that will continue on with motherhood, even though you hate it right now. Some of you will do it because you feel you have no choice or because of pressure from your families or for any number of reasons. And for those that do, it will be very hard - but it won't last forever. You just take it in stages.

One day the baby will sleep through the night.
One day the child will tell you what is wrong instead of just crying.
One day he will use the potty and diapers will go away.
One day he will walk and you won't have to carry him everywhere.
One day he will start Kindergarten and you will have about 6 hours of peace per day.
One day he will be 13 and you can leave him in the house alone while you go out to dinner and a movie.
One day he will be able to drive, and you won't be a chauffer anymore.
One day he will graduate high school and will officially be an adult.
And one day he will actually be an adult that lives on his own, and you will be able to look at him and knon that you helped to mold him into the person that he has become.

In other words, as in all things, "this too shall pass".

Please know ladies that I keep all of you in my prayers, that whatever is going to be best for you may work out. I do not judge any of you or think badly for any decisions you make.


Michelle Taylor
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Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Chelle - Marriage Editor] #491393 02/06/09 04:53 AM
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HI Michelle: Nope you didn't sound like you were belittling me. Taking it one day at a time. She's in daycare and the dad's home at night so we're only together for a few waking hours. Trying to enjoy it as they grow so quickly and time passes races by. My sister the one I dream would adopt will be here for a month to bond/ help care for the baby. Md

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Madness] #493780 02/13/09 07:00 PM
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Thank you, brave women, for having the courage to post your stories here. I'm childfree and taking these messages as a cautionary tale; I know I am not cut out to be a parent and would struggle just as many of you are doing. For those of you who hate it and are doing their best anyway; you have my admiration.


Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Kalinka] #494288 02/16/09 02:28 AM
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You are smart to know your limitations. I went into motherhood blindly, stupidly thinking it was what I wanted cuz everyone has children, right? I am humbled, anxious and stressed every day. No judgement but I never thought I'd end up a single mother. The father is involved but our relationship deteriorates bit by bit every day. I chased this man as if he were a knight when we're all just people. My sister will be moving back in a year to care for the child. I am at the end of my rope and hope... so I went to meet a church friend today. We all need hope....

Re: Need support - I hate being a mom [Re: Madness] #494311 02/16/09 06:26 AM
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Im so happy im not alone. i am 30yrs old and just gave birth to a baby boy a month ago. I wanted a baby so bad, at least i thought. I could have never imagined that i would hate it so much. i really do hate being a mom. i feel like this has been the worst mistake of my life. before this i had a wonderful life a little boring but wonderful, i drove a porscha and had extra money to spend on whatever i wanted. Most of all i miss my freedom. i hate that he cries all the time and that i have to get up in the middle of the night, and not to mention im a single mom.his dad sees him once a week, maybe. i pray to God that this gets better. when i think about the future i start to feel overwhelmed because i know deep down it only gets worst because the demand are more. i too have thought about adoption however i know my family will never forgive me or allow me too and i don't have the heart to tell them what's going on. sometimes when i put him to sleep in his crib i wonder if my life could go back to the way it was if he didn't wake up. this is very hard for me to write, i hate myself for feeling this way. i think maybe i am being punished for something, maybe the way i treated someone or maybe for not appreciating the little things. I just needed to say this out loud. thanks for listening

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