BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What do you want to be asked instead?

I didn't read Karen's post through. Similar things have happened to me as well, then you feel bad, etc. That's why I said I don't ask or assume anymore. It's too difficult.

I think at one time or another all of us have stuck our foot in our mouths, or maybe both feet, so it doesn't hurt to be understanding with someone who made a simple blunder.

I have to agree with Schnicky, people are just making conversation and do not really care about the answer.

I got married in May and at the time worked at a bank, all the regular customers would ask how is married life all the time and it would annoy (still does) the heck out of me.

There is one customer, with 5 kids, 1 of which that is not mentally there (she does a great job with him though), is tight on money and just making it. She would always ask me so when are you having a baby? I always wanted to answer, "Are you serious?"

Maybe it is a side effect of living in the south.

I am one of 5 and dh is one of 4, thankfully both sets of parents are not all bout breeding and waiting with baited breath for grandbabies.

I would want to be asked how my art is going, how is my fostering or latest foster doing, how are my dogs(which are in a way my 'children' I suppose), when I was going home again, anything but "when are you having babies" and "how is married life".

UGH.

I was once in a conversation with a couple that at that point in thier marriage they had actually been fighting about it. They had agreed upon marriage that they wouldn't have kids, but then the woman was starting to feel klucky because, and I quote...."all her friends were having babies and they didn't seem to have trouble losing the weight" "WHAT!!!!!" I couldn't believe my ears, how pathetic is that anyway? I ended up sitting through a fight between this couple, no idea how to excuse myself, and feeling kind of spare. Sad thing though is that this guy had been tricked into fatherhood by his first wife with whom they had agreed at marriage not to have kids, and he was quite upset that new wife of 4 odd years was changing his mind on him. Its interesting I thought.

WELLLL - maybe the guy should get snipped. DUH !

genius

One thing on this topic if you don't mind... I agree with what I have read BUT... We all know its not going to happen any time soon, the magical "IF you have kids" inquiry... But SHOULD we actually EXPECT it to happen? I know it might be a bit of a reach and off the flow of this string, but PLEASE just hear me out... This conversation kind of reminds me about an article on being politically correct - Singling out an individual so they can be recognized as special or different (I actually watched/listened to a table at a restaurant full of males and 1 female. When the female waitress came up and asked if "you guys" were ready to order the woman actually stopped her and made her say "guys and gal."). I almost want to say that "WE" need to stop wanting "THE OTHERS" to ask the right questions of "US," and start educating and eventually expecting people to validate this way of life no matter how the question gets asked. We all know that our lifestyle is not what the majority would automatically think about, assume, take into consideration, or call the norm... They asked that question because they're interested in us as people and would like to know more about us. Isn't that a compliment? An honor? Or at least something to exercise patience with because they don't know you YET. Any decent person when they learn about and accept that your child free will simply go on and treat you like a person - Continue the conversation, maybe even learn a thing or three from "us." Its the ones that are so steadfast in "their" way being right and any others are wrong thats the problem...Devil be damned HOW a question got asked or the subject got brought up in the first place... And if they can't accept you as a person with or without kids, then why are you continuing to talk to them?

That is one reason why I started this thread.

For those of us that aren't childfree, I think we get so caught up in our child-centered world that we kind of forget that there was another way. (Sometimes, at other times I very vividly remember "before kids" and wish my hubby an I could get a little of that time, LOL!)

But society is very much changing. Having a family is not necessarily the norm anymore. There are choices out there. You can have a child w/out being married where once a woman would have been completely ostracized for doing so.

As these changes are made, everyone needs to recognize them, and move with them, and be considerate. I hate the term "politically correct"- how about just "polite"?

I got caught up reading Miss Manners' column yesterday for almost 2 hours on subjects that I thought were just common sense (or would that be common politeness)- but obviously were not so.

If more people would just pay attention to the person they are talking to, rather than being so intent on what they want to say next, then it would amazing how much better everyone would understand each other and get along.

AMEN!

I used to love the shock value when I told people I didn't want kids, that was years ago before anyone I knew had children. Now that I'm 32 and everyone around me has kids I just feel like an outcast, I sometimes feel like I need to keep it a secret or once (can't believe I said this) I told someone "not yet", totally lying thru my teeth....

That's exactly how I feel.

I'm a very open and friendly person. Ask me anything and I'm willing to answer honestly. I just don't appreciate people acting as if there's something wrong with me.