BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What do you want to be asked instead?

Ditto to what everyone else has said. One question that annoyed me was I was talking to my boss and she asked how long I'd been married. I said five years. And she actually asks me, "Isn't it about time for kids?" I just told her "no", but I could've went on a huge rant about how that is a horrible question to ask!

God, how do people not see how RUDE they are? I had a similar response from a hairdresser, and keep in mind this was the first time I had ever been to her! I told her I've been married 4 years and when she found out I have no kids, she says, "Well, what are you waiting for?" Then, of course, I had to listen to her talk about her stupid kids the entire time she cut my hair!

OnaRoll, I give my full permission for you to never sit through that kind of one sided conversation again. Next time, i want you to smile and say, "I don't really like talking about kids...so what else do you like to do?" :-)

Jilly, that is the perfect response! ("I don't really like talking about kids.") It's funny how the best answers are always so simple!

Michelle, I also wanted to say that you are a very thoughtful person to ask this question in the first place. I bet you are a great mom, you are so open-minded =)

I don't really know what I would like to have asked instead. However, I give people a lot more leeway regarding their questions, because I've made just as much of a social faux-pas in the other direction!

About eight years ago, Andrew and I were on a cruise ship vacation where you get together at dinner with assigned tablemates at the same time every night. It was the first night and, as usual, people are trying to get to know each other. I was happy to see there was another couple our age and we started general chit chat. They were kinda quiet and I was desperately scrambling around for conversation starters and asked the dreaded, 'so, do you guys have kids? (smack me upside the head with a 2x4, please?). The husband answered no, and (insert foot into mouth) I said something like "Wow, that's nice. Andrew and I are childless-by-choice, too. It will be nice to be able to chat about something other than kids." The wife got a stricken, tearful look on her face and rapidly excused herself. THe husband gave me a dirty look and said 'We're NOT childless by choice, and this cruise is to help get my wife's mind off her last miscarriage."

Ouch. Talk about feeling like complete and utter [censored]! Of course, I apologized profusely to both of them, but it was the 'elephant in the room' for the whole trip. I try to be VERY careful now about any child-related conversations. I still feel badly about that to this day. So, I don't get too wrapped-around-the-axel about people's questions. Generally, I feel they're just trying to make a connection, not invalidate my choice. Generally.

Karen

oh Karen, we all have asked some question at some point that has had us scrambling for that "oh shoot - come back words...."

My oldest son has Aspergers, so you would think that I culd talk to another parent about their child with Autism without screwing up. But I was on a rant one day about how Michael was saying something totally inapropriate to the situation, and this other Mom goes, "I just wish mine could say something."

We are all human, and we will all make mistakes. I think it is just how we handle the after part that sets us apart as compassionate or jerks!

I don't ask my child-free friends/family when/if they are having children. I just figure they'll call me up with the news if it happens. And I certainly wouldn't ask a stranger. I like to stick to subjects like career and other interests. (I do have 2 children BTW)

I have to say that I never ask people. It's too difficult to determine if someone doesn't have children because they don't want them, just haven't tried yet or they're like several of my friends and are unable to get pregnant for various reasons.

I know that it's difficult to be constantly reminded about infertility issues if you're in the middle of IUI, IVF or adoption. That's why I don't ask people. Many people who can't get pregnant feel uncomfortable telling this to a stranger and so have trouble answering the question.

I also think if someone is concerned enough about other people's feelings, like Michelle, that they're asking themselves if they're being rude or impolite they're fine. It's the people who don't care enough to even think of another's feelings that are the issue. Asking someone you know if they have plans for children or if they have children isn't rude. You're just showing interest in their lives.

Basically to sum it up people asking me why I don't have kids doesn't bother me at all, but I know some people who it really does. That's why I don't ask people.