BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What do you want to be asked instead?

After reading all the different posts on this forum for so long, I know that one of the worst questions for you guys is "So, when are you going to have kids?"

Of course it is one thing when you keep being asked this by someone who knows your preference, but there are some people who ask this question because they just don't know you yet.

My husband works in IT, we are in our late 30s, and we have some friends who are just now getting married. Some of these couples do want kids -but are just starting late, some have fertility issues, and some don't want kids at all.

I've gotten to where I try to ask someone I don't know IF they are planning on having kids instead of when, and I try to do that only if the conversation is already centering around family.

But what do you guys think is the best way to handle these types of new situations? What would you prefer to be asked by people?

Hi Michelle, that's a great question. I think it comes down to the fact that because kids aren't interesting for me, I never feel the need to ask about it at all. Let's say I meet someone new at a party or work event. I'd probably ask about their job, their plans for the holidays, if they've seen any movies lately, etc. I travel to a lot of conferences for my work, and I would never ask someone I just met in that context about their family. In that case I'd ask about the city they were from and the kind of research they work on, and that would fill up at least half an hour!

I think there are these "reflex" questions people ask when they're trying to make small talk, like, "How are you?" or "What do you do for a living?" If someone you know has gotten married recently it is really tempting to ask, "How's married life?" I think sometimes people ask these without any real interest in the answer, but just to make conversation. And let's face it, they're rather silly questions. Personally I think the kids question falls into this category, and I know that most people who ask have no idea that it's become a loaded question because of all the infertility and childfree people out there! They're just making small talk, so in that case they should accept a simple "No, I don't have any" as an answer, just as you'd expect someone to say "Fine" in response to "How are you?" When people persist and ask for more details, or try to pressure you to change your mind, it's gone beyond polite small talk.

I agree, most of the time it is just a small-talk question or just a getting to know you question. When I first meet someone, I don't really mind if they ask me if I have kids, or even when will I have kids. It is the "you are a freak" looks and comments trying to change my mind that bother me the most.
Like Shnicky, that isn't really a question I ask new people either because there are a lot more interesting things to inquire about, depending on the setting.

I agree with these two posts but I can relate to being in the social situation where you don't know what to say. But if someone asked me, are you planning on having kids?, I would be thrilled. The biggest issues I have are: 1) the assumption that we are definitely having them, and 2) the same as yota - that look of "horror of horrors, you're NOT having kids? What is wrong with you?".

You, Michelle, would obviously not do the second thing because you're conscientious of other people, but there are so many that aren't and just look at you like you have two heads!

I dont like the poor you Im soooooo sorry and then the look that wants more details like -Is it my fault (either Im not putting out enough or infertile)or is your husband impotant or do you have marrage problems like drugs cheeting?-look! In theory, I would love the topic to go like this:

topic goes to babys or kids...and the "joys" there of!
them; So are you planing of having any kids of your own?
Me; No I love kids All kids but We dont want any of our own. I love being aunt or friend to them.
them; Thats cool it is a big step to take on a child and I wish more people would stop to think about having them before they have them. I can respect you for your choice. familys need non parents to help them keep prospective.
me; Oh thank you for saying that! my husband and I have put alot of thought into this and most people are not real supportive of our choice.

this was a variation of my friend and me talking when we started hanging out she has kids and I love HER kids and I think it has helped everyone concerned! Her daughter will tell me stuff she wont her mom and her mom respects and trust me to be there for her daughter. I get to be "aunt" and they get someone that has a clue what is going on with there daughter.
granted not all child free people like kids there are a few that hate being around kids period. if you get a reply something like OH GOD NO I cant stand kids then an answer like I can respect that. and then you can move on to a new topic. and remember dont ask them to babysit or spend lots and lots of time with your kids. It kind comes off like you are tring to change there minds in a passive agressive way... they will avoid you!
I think it is more of a matter of respect No one ask a couple why they have kids and gives them a look like -are you sex addicts or can you not figure out birth control methods or are you just trying to use a child to work the system or save your marrage?-look!
a good rule of thumb is if you can turn the question around so it is a childfree asking a parent and you dont mind answering the question then its an ok question to ask but if you find that you would not like the equal question or phrase that you come up with them dont ask it.
I think you would probably have a good since of what to say or not Michelle!

All of the people who posted before me have probably just about summed up what I would say, but I wanted to throw my 2 cents in anyway.

My first preference would be to not hear the question at all. Most people I meet do ask somewhat neutral questions such as, "Do you have children?" or "Are you planning to have children?" as opposed to "When will you have children?". However, I still find these "benign" questions threatening for the reasons others have mentioned -- they are often a precursor to a sermon on why I should have children, an interrogation about why I don't want children, or some other condescending response. As an example...

Old high school pal: So, do you have any kids?
Me: No.
Old pal: Oh, not yet.
Me: No, not ever. [and of course, then she wants me to explain myself]

I'm thinking, not yet? Are you kidding me???? Thank goodness my mother happened to be nearby so that she could get on my case too.

I'd like to make a parallel with how I approach conversations about other potentially touchy issues like marriage or stay-at-home-parenting... When I meet people, I don't ever ask if they are married unless they steer me that direction with the conversation. If they start talking about a significant other, I might ask how long they have been together or what they do for hobbies together, but I would never try to badger them into tying the knot. And I would never go on endlessly about how much I love being married and what my marriage is like and how they should try it to because it will change their life.

When I am interested in people's professions, I always ask, "What do you do?" instead of "Where do you work?" or "What do you do for a living?" If someone is a stay-at-home parent, I don't want to inadvertently denigrate their lifestyle by the implications in the latter questions. And if someone doesn't go to a paid job (for any legitimate reason -- parenthood, disability, layoff, etc.), I would never get on their case about how they need to get out of the house and into the paid workforce to set a good example for their kids or to contribute to society or whatever.

I just don't expect everyone to make the same life choices I do.

I am not big on small talk, so I would have to say "nothing," actually, Michelle. I don't like it when people I don't know ask me questions, unless they need directions or something.

But between friends, I like to talk about traveling, movies, decorating, hobbies, outdoors activities, philospohy, psychology, working out, whether we are alone on the universe or not, politics, spiritual topics, sci fi, fantasy, working from home, small businesses, yoga, spas and pampering, health, weather, traffic, wine, space discoveries, the environment, having a lighter footprint on the planet, real estate, TV shows, perfume, blogging, writing, artistic endeavors, good memries, future hopes, dogs, how to make the world a better place, how to find meaning in life, and what my hopes and dreams might be.

I am sure there's lots more too. Note talking about family isn't in there.

Honestly, I don't mind if someone I've just met or haven't seen in several years asks me if I have children. It's a question that, for most people, would provide some common ground to start a conversation. I understand that. What I DO mind is when I say that I don't have kids, and I either get The Look or the series of questions and "helpful advice" begins. To me, that goes beyond trying to start polite conversation.

Usually the convo goes something like this:

Questioner: So, how long have you been married?
Me: About 5 years.
Questioner: Do you have any kids?
Me: Nope. (I have given up waffling on this answer. I used to say things like, "No, I'm already raising my husband" or "No, but we have two dogs", but I've grown to not like those. I don't feel like I should have to make an excuse or give a reason. So now I just say "No.")
From there, it would be nice to see the person asking think for a minute and not necessarily blurt out the next thing that pops into their brain. I don't have kids, so I have to be doing other things, right? Ask me if I travel. Ask me what kind of work I do. Ask me if I go to a particular church. Ask me how other family members are. It doesn't really matter. Just use some logic.

But why would someone think I want to continue talking about something that is not part of my life? I wouldn't ask someone if they had a car, and if they said no, start asking IF they're getting one and WHEN they're getting one and WHY HAVEN'T they gotten one, and tell them they'd just love it if they had their own. Maybe they aren't ABLE to get a car or maybe they don't WANT a car. But I have no way of knowing their situation. Either way, I bet they don't want to talk about it.

SisterDino that is a really cute analogy. I laughed about the car...WHEN are you getting one, you'll love it when it's your own...heehee.

I should try that sometime.

I honestly don't mind when people ask, as long as they don't get on my case about it. (Only one person, a colleague, has ever done that...very uncomfortable it was too.) Here in Germany an awful lot of women my age don't have children, it seems to be somehow more accepted.

Dream conversation:
-Do you have kids?
-No.
-Me neither. (conversation proceeds along more interesting lines)