BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

i'm an only child and adopted. my parents tried to have children for a while and when my mom was 33 and my dad 39 which was considered "older " back in 71'i came along. my parents always made me feel wanted and it didn't matter to them that i wasn't their biological child. my mom was a SAHM and i'm sure she liked doing that. however, she also gave up a lot of herself not only for me but she also spent a lot of time taking care of one grandparent or another. i actually felt bad for her and was so happy when she went back to work when i started high school. i think at least for me seeing how much she gave up made me deep down inside not want to do that myself. i've always been a very ind. person and was actually raised that way. my mom esp. turned me into a feminist and i dont' think she even realized it. my parents encouraged me to get a good education and not settle for just any man so i could get married. my mom always said that she would've rather seem me single then married to a jerk.

i had a pretty good childhood except that i also got picked on a lot. i was a shy and sensitive child (i'm still a little bit that way) so you can imagine how it was. even so i know my parents always loved and wanted me and raised me to be a strong and ind. person. i really appreciate that.

indigo

This is probably not what you want to hear but somethings you just know you want or don't want. I wanted my kids and I had them, raised them (still raising one). I didn't want to be married but I wanted kids so that is what I did. I am now happily married but won't be having any more kids. I don't regret having my kids, I am overly proud of my kids (won't bore you with the details). I think it is just a decision you make period. I must a weirdo because I don't feel like I gave up anything to have them but I always felt like in my younger years that to be married I would have to give up too much (yes I am not a normal thinker).

>i've always been a very ind. person

Just so I know -- is "ind." short for independent or individual?

Very Interesting thread. I enjoyed reading the responses from parents as well as the regular CF contributors. Here is my $.02.

If I had kids, I think my biggest regret would be that they would never enjoy the freedoms that I had when I was young and the world was a different and much nicer place.

Yes, today's world can seem like a scary place at times. Yesterday's world wasn't that great either. Here are a few examples
1) In the spring of 1961, my Mom was pregnant with my oldest brother. Mom had a job working at the University of Illinois library. My Dad was working day and night to complete his PhD. Dad's yearly stipend was $1500. Long story short, my parents needed every dime they were making. My Mom was forced to quit her job a month before my oldest brother was born. Maternity leave and returning to work after my oldest brother was born??? Dream on. There was no such thing at the time.
2) My mom's childhood from age 0-9.5 years was spent in Poland from 1938 to 1948. No need for a history lesson to say that was not a pleasant place for a child to spend her early years.
3) My was appalled at the way blacks were treated in the south during the days of segregation in the early 1960s.
4) Before the rise of fascism in the 1930s, there were many Jewish professors at Universities in Berlin, Vienna and Prague. There were far fewer Jewish profs at Harvard and other Ivy league schools during the same time period.
A thought -- what was your upbringing like?
I spent my childhood from age 4 on in the same town I now live in, Los Alamos, NM. It's a very safe community with almost no violent crime and a wonderful climate.
I had my share of unpleasant experiences as a teen and a young adult. There was nothing tremendously traumatic or unusual about said experiences. Still, I am glad these years are well behind me. I have no interest in reliving those experiences through a son or daughter.

Btw, we DO save for retirement. It's just not where we focus our stress
My salary is adequate to cover my living expenses and lets me enjoy a very active, athletic lifestyle. Although I work full time, I ski as many days as someone who works at a ski resort. I am saving 15% of my salary, 10% to retirement through my employer and an additional 5% through my bank in a separate savings plan.

Even if I were independently wealthy, I still would not have kids. I babysat as a teenager, substitute taught the 10 year old Hebrew class at the local Jewish center and spent enough time around my nieces and nephew when they were small children. Simply put, these experiences taught me that I lack the temperament and patience required to be a good parent. No amount of money will give me those skills. I wouldn't want to be like my Dad and most men of his generation who did none of the parenting grunt work. As the regulars on this discussion board know, I have zero regrets that I took responsibility and underwent a vasectomy.

I've said earlier that although I wasn't interested in children as a young adult, I felt the urge in my late twenties and now I have two grown daughters (over 18). I read of a few people here that have found motherhood to be a terrible ordeal. I must admit that I feel I've been lucky with the kind of children I happened to have. Although I've had my share of the typical difficulties associated with children, mine were generally quiet, bright, somewhat calm and somewhat neat. Some of this I would like to attribute to their upbringing but some of it is definitely genetic. You might say I lucked out. When the girls were toddlers, I could often do projects while they sat quietly, looking at books. They were too shy to ever run away from me. They didn't always listen but they were never mischievous. They were wonderfully sensitive and did well in school (a brag but it is essential to make my point).

I really don't know how I would have fared if I'd had children like some others I've seen. There are those children who can't sit still, who get into everything and are terribly loud. These childrene keep you on your feet all day and don't let you have a minute's rest. With children, it's partly the luck of the draw.

No matter what kind of children you get, you'll learn something from the experience. But I'd venture to say that the type of children you get will help determine how much a person enjoys parenting whether they're "cut out" to be a parent or not.

I absolutely agree with you. That risk is the main reason I haven't had kids. I can't be sure it's all upbringing, and that is frightening.

I'm happy for you though that you won the kid lottery (and seem to have the knack for parenting too)!

Hah, I KNOW it's partly genetics, and since my family is insane there's no way I'd want to see what I'd produce. I can't stand hearing myself sometimes, I know I'd go bonkers if there was an "echo" of that.

See, I was just like your girls, Diana and I don't have the patience for kids who aren't like that. I can't stand to be around hyper, noisy, and ill-mannered kids (anc ouldn't even when I was a kid). I know a lot of times it isn't their fault they are like this, but I still can't tolerate all the stress and confusion.

Sounds like you did win the kid lottery, but I'm sure your parental guidence contributed to the way they are as well. Good job.

I honestly didnt think that I would become preg. after having my liver transplant. I had gone for many yrs of not having periods. When a couple whom my (then) husband and I were friends with learned that they were expecting a child I became jealous. Unbeknownst to me I was pregnant at that time. I had looked into adopting before I had the transplant so I guess there must have been something inside of me that wanted to have kids....I was so sick that I really can't imagine what put it into my head to call about adoptions. My three children were all unplanned with the same man but that doesnt mean that I regret having had them.

>If I had kids, I think my biggest regret would be that they would never enjoy the freedoms that I had when I was young and the world was a different and much nicer place.

I think we all look at the past through rose-tinted glasses. There are more people now, and so more incidents of problems -- but I don't know if it is actually a growing percentage, or a growing awareness. Was a time that (shhh) s.e.x. just wasn't discussed, so pedophiles probably had an easier time of it. I was molested (not as "extremely" as some girls, but it was enough to skew my self image for a long time) by a friend's grandfather when I was about 10, and never told a soul until I was an adult. That was late '60's or early 70s.

My mother, born in '33, was fortunate to have very good instincts when she was a young child. She was young men some men tried to entice her (she was alone at a local park) into their car with candy. She loves candy -- but something told her to RUN from them, and she did, like a bat out of hell. She never told her parents, since she knew if she did she'd never be allowed out of the house alone again.

But our growing awareness has been able to keep more kids safer.
I tend to go with the "safety in numbers" concept with my son -- he has been allowed more freedom when with others than alone. Of course, now he's 16, and attends college p/t, so of course he crosses campus alone, etc.

Like anything else, we all have to be aware -- and awareness makes us able to prepare for the worst. And hopefully enjoy the best.