BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

When people find out I'm CF, they always ask me why I don't want children. Sometimes I turn the tables on them and ask them why they WANT them. The answers I get are varied. Most people think I'm being rediculous or I'm just being a wise @ss and very few actually answer the question.

Most of the people who do answer just say that they've always wanted kids. No one's ever given me any deep or unique answers. I was just wondering if any of you have asked this question and what kind of replies you've gotten.

If you're visiting the forum and you have children, I'd love to hear your answers. I'm not being smart or mocking you, I honestly want to know. I have nothing against children, but I've just never felt the desire to have them and I'd like to know why you feel the way you feel about it.

Several of my friends have said, "It's the next step after marriage," or "It's just natural."

Other than that, I always get, "I have always wanted to have a child..."

Which I don't understand.

Always Outside,

Exactly!

I really don't get the "it's the next step after marriage" answer. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I don't feel like it's the next step for us.

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A good friend of mine was married for 8 years before she and her husband had kids. I remember someone telling her, "Everything's going to change" and she happily replied, "I'm ready!"

I just can't imagine my whole life changing like that. I'll never be ready for my whole world to be turned upside down.

I asked a couple that were close friends that question several years ago. They were having problems conceiving. I asked them politely why they wanted to have a child so bad, that I just didn't have that urge and wanted to understand better why people want to have kids. She told me because she wanted to do something for someone else. That everything she had done up to that point was always for her and she wanted to live her life for someone else. Her husband told me he wanted them because he really wanted to be old and have lots of family around him. Lots of kids and grandkids to spend his old age with. I can understand it from that point of view. They ended up adopting two kids as they were not able to have any of their own. Another friend that was at the table with us and didn't have kids yet answered the usual way of that's just what you do after you get married.

My BF and I were having dinner a couple of nights ago. She has three kids...one is in college and the others are 7yrs. and 9 yrs. They have this bible thingy every wednesday night so most time her and I meet up for dinner or coffee on that night so we can spend some time together. She knows I am very CF and totally repects that; we have been BF for 20+ years. Anyway, we were talking a she said that she would of only had one or maybe two kids if she new now what she knows. For her it was kinda different. Her oldest is from her first husband and the two others are from current husband. She should of stopped on the one with him but she didn't want him not to have a brother or sister to grow up with. I am like yeah...but instead of doing what was best for you as a person you had another and is it really any better?? She doesn't regret her kids she is just being honest.

I was at work and was talking to this girl and she said she loves her son but..knowing now...she would not have had kids.

Then from others I get the: They are the best thing that ever happened to me...and all that stuff. Who knows maybe it is true for some of them??? But I sure do see a lot of stressed out parents.

i only have to watch supernanny to see the stress! i swear that is one of the best forms of BC for me! i have to admit i watch that show if only to say to myself"thank goodness it's not me!"

i never really asked that question but it's definitely a good ques. to ask. it seems like rarely people give an ans. other than the typical ones that were already mentioned.

indigo

People tell me -

"You aren't going to leave a legacy if you don't have a child."

So I suppose people do it to leave a "legacy" - you know they have to re-create themselves since they are so ideal.....

A legacy? Now that's ridiculous. What if your kid turns out to be a criminal and spends his/her life in prison? What kind of legacy is that? Mother Teresa didn't have children and look at the legacy she left. The thing is, no matter how well you raise your kids, they may not turn out wonderfully. Or they could end up handicapped and special needs and require care their entire lives. There are just no guarantees, it's a total crapshoot.

The one person who has a kid and told me not to have kids is a coworker, she had a baby for her husband, and not long after her son's birth they split up. She loves her son, but she would not have chosen to be a single mom if she knew the marriage wouldn't last.

Cindy

I'm a tad bit nervous to post here. I have 4 children ages 7, almost 6, almost 3 and 1. Are you all having panic attacks yet?

I'm on the other side of the fence (obviously) and have a few friends without children. I don't understand their decision but support it and don't judge it. I think from a lot of the posts I've been reading, people without children are judged by people with children and vice versa.

Being a mom is the most challenging spiritual journey I've ever been on. I have always been quite fond of personal growth and self-discovery and this parenthood thing tops them all. It is even more of a struggle because there is nothing tangible to put your finger on. It's not about meditating or doing yoga or walking in nature. It's about raising children to be self-sufficient, decent members of society. It's about getting your buttons pushed and learning to manage your own reactions, etc. I could go on and on ....

But, why did I want children in the first place? I loved children as a child. I worked at camps. I always helped the underdogs or the struggling children. I believe it was something innate within me. I wanted to work with children and spent my professional career working with abused children. Now taking care of my own four children is more "difficult" than dealing with the emotionally disturbed children in the residential treatment center.

But, I still want them in my life. Hmmm... why? I think part of it is tied to G-d. If I did not have my children - oh, the freedom, the travel, the less financial stress- but those are external things to me and raising children provides something internally.

I left work before we had our first child and my husband was actually out of work during two of the births of our children. Yes, it was stressful, but it was just a part of life we had to deal with. We live for our children, not our retirement, so we don't spend a lot of energy stressing about that.

I hope this provides a little insight. If my words are too wishy washy, I'm happy to say more. I didn't want to go on too much.
Thanks for letting me be here.

It is a good question, why do I want kids? in an age of readily available birthcontrol and having the choice to say yes or no.

I had 5 kids because of my religion and they came early in life. In my new middle age marriage my husband did not have any kids because of his own previous circumstances and then I had to have a hysterectomy. But we both seem satisfied being grandparents to my 8 now.

Together we have left a legacy for children now and future generations by writing a book together for kids that is in the libraries here in The Netherlands.

We see each life having its own path, and whether people choose to have kids or not, we are still part of the big world family which includes all ages.