BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

I'm one of the people who said the feeling that "something was missing" led to starting a family. I do agree though that having a family is not the only way to put more meaning into your life. If I didn't want children for other reasons or I couldn't have children, I am certain I could have found other ways to fill that void. Having children is just one of them. And fortunately, it turned out to be a good experience for me.

I really am not in favor of people having children if they don't want them. I think it's terrible that anyone would be pressured to have children. Many people are not cut out for parenthood and many find other equally fulfilling ways to fill their voids, if they even have voids.

I should mention that we have always recycled and we are appalled at those in our neighborhood who don't, both parents and non-parents. It doesn't take that much time and there's so we can all gain from it. If these people are too busy to recycle, maybe they're "too busy."

That's interesting. An ex-colleague of mine returned to NZ with his American wife and family after 17 years living on the north shore of Chicago. They have 4 kids, which is quite unusual now in this country for well-educated people.



You are a breath of fresh air. You may be surprised to hear how often I have this thrust on me (usually without asking for it) - about how much a better person people have become because of having children. I aso read it in celebrity interviews etc. The insidious message is that when you aren't a parent, you somehow haven't matured and you are more selfish. This can be extremely hurtful to people who are childless or childfree. I've had my days of feeling hurt. Now I just get angry when i hear this.

Interesting discussion - nice to consider all the various points of view.
My mother was/is amazing - she is a born mother - loves kids (had 5) and enjoys caring for them...
Mum is also, amazing for another reason - she has always been very supportive and understanding of her 2 CF daughters. She has NEVER pressured us to have kids, never! (her 3rd daughter is CFBC)
She is incredibly proud of all her kids and our various achievements...she's also, quite the feminist (she'd be surprised to hear that) and hates people that try to confine their daughters, "Oh, heavens...I have three wonderful daughters..a lawyer, a vet and a businesswoman"..."encourage her to do medicine, if that what she wants to do...that's wonderful!"...
Mum is the first to say we are all different and should live the life of our choosing...
I had a happy childhood (although felt stressed from time to time) - my parents couldn't afford to have 5 kids - we didn't miss out, they did...there were arguments about money and I certainly picked up on the stress and worry...
This didn't put me off having kids - my DH and I are financially secure and we don't argue about money...child affordability was never an issue.
We were just never that keen - I guess to put it in a nutshell...we were never "sufficiently" interested...it's not something you approach with indifference or apprehension AND, it's not something you "talk yourself into"...

I have never enjoyed caring for kids and neither of us are good with babies & young kids...
My family home was basic, untidy and noisy in a working class suburb - it's interesting that I LOVE beautiful things and enjoy having our home in order - I collect antique porcelain...
I think my upbringing made clear...mothering was something that didn't really appeal...I always wanted to do other things with my life.
My DH has never been around kids - he was really an only child - his 3 siblings are MUCH older and all left home before he turned 3...
We have NEVER felt that something was missing...in fact, once the final decision was made, I felt elated - like I'd missed a huge bullet.
My DH & I both have successful careers and have helped Mum in her retirement. My father died with just $70,000 in retirement funds...his life was never free of worry about money.
I'm so pleased Mum has been able to enjoy her later years without the worry of money.
On the 29th of this month my mother will fly to Japan with me - she will see Japan, while I work - I've arranged an extra week for us to enjoy an Onsen in the Japan Alps - we then fly home via Hong Kong. Mum is 76 in July and very fit for her age - she LOVES travelling, staying in nice Hotels and eating in lovely restaurants...I love treating her and I'm lucky my DH has always been happy for me to help my parents/family.
My DH's family are upper middle class and his siblings are all financially secure.
My childhood memories are of my parents working incredibly hard - very few social outings...just hard slog and worry.
Mum wouldn't agree - she'd admit it was a financial struggle but maintains she loved raising her "beautiful children".

My upbringing was no different to the other kids at school - many were from much poorer and dysfunctional families, some were abused...some were neglected - as far as I know, all but one went on to have multiple children at an early age...
So, a difficult childhood doesn't seem to lead to a CF life - I think it's the "individual" that shapes your life - your dreams, your personality, your strength of conviction....I have never followed the crowd - always taken my own path.
AND, that's why we're all different...while one person will spend years studying medicine and another will spend years receiving IVF treatment pursuing her dream of becoming a mother.
I think it's as simple as that - nothing sinister or strange...we're not cold monsters or anything else...

Sorry that is sooo long - my DH says I charge by the word!

It was well worth the read though!

I'm one of those people who knew from a very young age that I never wanted kids. Learning about pregnancy and childbirth added to my desire to remain CF. Yes, I babysat as a teen and I also worked at summer camps for kids but the exposure to children only strengthened my resolve not to have them. I just never enjoyed being around little kids even when I was one. Never had any desire at all to hold the baby or look at the baby or see pictures of the baby or hear anything at all about the baby.

I was a wanted and loved child and had a very good childhood (except for school) so that puts a hole in the good childhood = wanting kids theory.

I've just never understood the desire to have kids. I do know that there are many people who have this desire and that's fine - it's their life and their decision. I also know that those who have the desire for children do not understand my total lack of that desire.

Leaving a legacy - we plan to leave our estate to the establishment of a scholarship fund. This leaves something behind that is of some benefit to society and to future generations.

In mulling all of this over, I have to wonder if there may be some genetic predisposition to wanting or not wanting children. Quite a few of us seem to have known from a very early age (I was 3, I think) that we wanted to be CF. If it is genetic and there is a specific gene that predisposes a person to want kids, I must have been over in the latte line the day those were passed out.

Perhaps there is a genetic link. The sudden drop in birthrates on both sides of my family coincided with the availability of reliable birth control. My grandparents on both sides had four or five kids, but their kids (my parents, aunts, and uncles) all had 0-2 kids, the majority had one and stopped. Interesting and thought provoking post, Llyn.

Ditto! And I'm actually much nicer now. I used to have zero interest in kids and never noticed if they were cute or whatever. It's like they weren't even there. Now, as every single one of my friends and all my cousins (many younger than me) all have children, I see them a little differently. The parents love them and cherish them and the children make them happy. I'm glad for them. It's not the life I want, but I'm glad they have the lives they want.



YES. Me too. School was awful. I was a chubby child with divorced parents (an anomoly until I reached Jr High) and the other kids were very mean to me. I already wasn't into kids before I started school, so it didn't help matters.


We plan to leave ours to our niece, nephews and to charitable causes. I agree that is a good legacy.



Hee! I was probably in the chocolate cake line. I don't remember anything before the age of 4-5 & I knew I was CF back then. If it is a gene, I think I'm the only CF member of my family all the way back on my family tree to have it. We all marry very young and have numerous kids early on in my family.

Growing up, I only had 2 cousins, both younger and they lived in a different city so were only a sporadic part of my life. Also, there were no kids my age around where we lived. another branch of the family on the other side of the country had a lot of kids but I don't recall seeing them move than a handful of times.





My mother pushed the school system to gt me admitted early. Bad decision on her part - it made me the smallest kid in the class and, therefore, the easiest to pick on. That I was the smartest kid in the class didn't help either. And what really didn't help was that I didn't like being around little kids, had never been in a room with more than 2 other kids before in my life (all 3 years of it - yes, I started regular kindergarden at age 3, and was totally freaked out by, and unable to cope with having to be around so many other kids.




One of my cousins is CF but not by choice - she was just never able to find a man. And it's probably a good thing that she is CF because she's one of those people who can barely manage to take care of herself, can't hold a job, and frankly would not have made a good mother. My other cousin has 3 kids. I have seen these cousins 3 times in....hmmmmmm.....40+ years and then only because somebody died. We have no contact other than crossing paths at the occasional funeral....I don't even consider them family anymore at this point.

>Well, I don't find the notion of homeschooling children very appealing. Also, I know several homeschooled children, and to be honest, they never received much of an education.

If you don't find it appealing, then you shouldn't do it. Especially if you have no children! ;-)

You may want to broaden your circle, though -- the majority of the homeschooled children I know have a very HIGH quality education, my son included.


> I don't mean to be rude or disencouraging in my response, but this is an illustration of the constant thing we get from people: "kids made me a better and less selfish person". The thing is, I have had enormous growth mentally by the experiences I have been through in my life.

I never denied that there are other avenues for growth. There are a great many ways to grow as a person -- and hopefully, whatever path we choose, we all are growing. To do otherwise is unthinkable to me.

As I said, though -- it was an unexpected benefit, not a reason to have children. Or child, in my case.
Saying that one must have a child for growth falls into the same bristly category for me as hearing people say that you MUST give your only child siblings, or they will never learn to share, will be selfish, whatever. Both are false. But for ME, it helped me grow in good ways.

That said, if you did NOT want a child and had one, I don't think it would be a positive experience, and would hinder growth. There is a thread that really saddens me on the Moms board, about hating being a mother. I feel sad for those women that what brings me such joy brings them down so. For them, being child-free WOULD be better. I would never encourage a person to have a child for any reason other than that they wanted one, to raise, nurture, and cherish. (I didn't, btw, have my son to either make the world a better place (though in my obviously unbiased :-) opinion, it IS better with him in it!) or to have someone who would love me.)

>I also know people who use their children as a status symbol.

Oooh, I hate that! I remember hearing about a woman who had two kids, full-time job, and had to have babysitters all weekend because she needed time to herself. That was someone who had children for the wrong reasons -- and probably shouldn't have. Or the one who, at a garage sale, said, "I hate toys. They make such a mess!" As my mom said, "I'd hate to be her kid!"


> "Oh, heavens...I have three wonderful daughters..a lawyer, a vet and a businesswoman"..."encourage her to do medicine, if that what she wants to do...that's wonderful!"...

Sounds like you have a wonderful mother!

>Perhaps there is a genetic link. The sudden drop in birthrates on both sides of my family coincided with the availability of reliable birth control.

Interesting thought -- and possible. Or it could be environmental. Overcrowding and such. My mom has always felt like more boys are born in times of war. But I wonder how one would go about assessing the genetic and/or environmental factors. That's interesting food for thought, though -- thanks!