BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Health Issues and Being CF

If I go to the docs, and they ask did your parents or grandparents suffer from the following... I just say, save your breath, yes to the lot.

Depression, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, arthritis (rheumatoid and degenerative), glaucoma, high blood pressure, senility...

You name it, they got it.

My hubbies side of the family brings to the mix various mental disorders and cancers (breast, skin, prostate).

What a melting pot of joy. No, we're not having kids.

Every single relative of mine who has died in the past 60 or so years (on both sides of my family) died of a form of cancer with the exception of two: one was killed in the Korean War and the other committed suicide when he found out he had a brain tumor.

And some of you know that my sister is mentally disabled, and so is my mom in a slight way.

There is no way I want to pass on the genes I have to another generation. Whatever happened to survival of the fittest?

I agree. I think what bothers me about this "reason" for not having kids is that I feel like I'm allowing my negative side to win somehow. I know that in the brief periods of time when I talked myself INTO having a kid (not that it was possible of course) I would get this sense of "Ah, then I must be okay."

There's a part of me that doesn't want to feel like I'm making this decision because I'm so flawed that I'm not worthy of reproducing. I think everyone must feel that way to some degree (flawed), but they choose not to dwell on the negative possibilities and operate more on faith in a good outcome.

So, for me to decide all of these reasons (the environment, my genetic situation, etc) are enough to make me not want to procreate, is also a sad acceptance of a lot of depressing realities. Does that make sense to anyone else?

There are certain little genetic things I'd like to not pass on, like my frizzy, curly hair (care of Mom)and blue eyes (care of Dad) Sure, my blue eyes may be pretty, but technically, it's a genetic F-up. Human babies' eyes are supposed to change color after birth. But whatever gene that regulates that is broken throughout my dad's family. "Born blue and stay blue" is the norm for most of us. But those are little things that don't matter.

The things that do: My loose knee caps. That little genetic flaw is what made a simple slip-and-fall into a lifetime minor disability for me. (If my knees were normal, I wouldn't likely have had more than a bad bruise, according to my ortho.) The same year I maimed myself, my brother dislocated one knee twice and did the same to the other the following year. Thanks for the dud genes, Mom.

Note: Having such serious knee problems means I need to keep tabs on how much weight I'm carrying around, both on my person and in my arms. Carrying a fetus or a baby would likely be too much for me. It could cost me my mobility and/or force me to have the knee replacement surgery I've thus far successfully avoided the need for, despite my ortho's predictions!

On the mental health side, I know I discussed my S.A.D. recently. I spent my winters (3-4 months of EVERY year!) fighting the urge to hibernate, and always feel [censored] when I'm awake. I get this from Dad. He's suffered with serious depression my entire life. His symptoms just worsen in winter. I consider myself lucky to have gotten the "seasonal" version instead of his "year-round with a seasonal peak" version. Do I really want to fight this while raising a kid? Do I really want to pass this on to another generation? (Hell, no!)

Note: I mentioned a few days ago that I found some inexpensive FS bulbs. I'm starting to feel better when I'm fully awake, but I'm still constantly exhausted. Fortunately, that's now the only strong symptom (after only a few days! Wow!) Hopefully, the "hibernate" urge will dissipate soon.

Speaking of eyes, did I mention my really [censored] vision? Apparently, that comes with the blue in my dad's family's eyes. We're all very near sighted, and most of us have astigmatisms. Like I said, the blue is pretty, but broken...

I've never heard that about blue eyes before. Is that specific to your family?

It's been a few years since I read the article that mentioned blue eyes in adult humans actually being a genetic "oops." I don't recall what the article said about vision problems. But in our family, the near sightedness and blue eyes go hand in hand.

"I agree. I think what bothers me about this "reason" for not having kids is that I feel like I'm allowing my negative side to win somehow. I know that in the brief periods of time when I talked myself INTO having a kid (not that it was possible of course) I would get this sense of "Ah, then I must be okay."

There's a part of me that doesn't want to feel like I'm making this decision because I'm so flawed that I'm not worthy of reproducing. I think everyone must feel that way to some degree (flawed), but they choose not to dwell on the negative possibilities and operate more on faith in a good outcome.

So, for me to decide all of these reasons (the environment, my genetic situation, etc) are enough to make me not want to procreate, is also a sad acceptance of a lot of depressing realities. Does that make sense to anyone else?"

Thanks for the post, Frieda, it really got me thinking. It's hard for me to put it into words. I have had problems with depression in the past and I use lithium and an antipsychotic for it--for life, it seems. Doctors in the past have been very keen for us to have kids regardless, insisting that this is no reason not to have children. But afterwards, I decided to become CF for reasons other than health issues--many of which have been discussed on this forum. (Thank-you all of you for your posts!) But I still feel flawed. Mostly because when I say that I am CF, friends and family have the attitude "Well, the REAL reason is that you can't have children because of your health." Which is not the reason. My family is convinced that it is why I ultimately "can't" have children and I have been told by my mother that I shouldn't reproduce for it. It somehow invalidates my CF choice. So, it does make me feel that my health issues are a big flaw in my make-up, even though, in reality, they really don't have anything to do with my CF choice.

I hope this makes sense?

I agree with you so much Tress! You are the first person that I've found that dislikes that show as much as I do. When I publicly denounce the show, people look at me as if I have a heart made of tar. No, I have a fully functional brain actually, and I don't believe in rewarding stupidity. This is a huge get out of jail free card for people and as a result they don't learn from their mistakes.

My biggest pet peeve is when people with genetic disorders have kids. Have you seen that show "Little People, Big World"? I think it's the stupidest thing that both of these people have a genetic disorder that causes their lives to be frought with hardship and compromises their health, but they choose to have kids! Sure not all the kids are affected but there is that chance they will be. Do you really want your kids to have joint problems at the ripe age of 30? I took a genetics class last year, and we read several case studies about disease that ran in families, like hemophilia. Get this, a guy with hemophilia married a women who knew she was a carrier and of course... they had kids! And guess what? All four of them turned out to be hemophiliacs! Thanks mom and dad! Rant over.

This is so interesting. I can't remember who said this above, but about mental health issues, and father and son fighting a lot? This is so my family. My maternal grandfather was a lunatic, and was physically and verbally abusive to my grandmom and my mom and her siblings. I can't emphasize enough how insane he was, he would give my grandmom black eyes and much worse. Because my Mom grew up in this crazy house, she wasn't a great mother. She was great with us when we were little, and she couldn't handle us when we individuated and started thinking for ourselves. I know my mother is mentally ill, and she has never been treated. We all hated her growing up b/c she was so insane.

My youngest sister has major mental health issues, and, as you know, she had my nephew out of wedlock at age 20. His childhood is infinitely worse than ours was. My sister has added drugs and drinking to the mix, and she and my Mom have been having blowouts for more than 10 years. I get so [censored] when anyone asks me the kids question. I'm like, have you MET my SISTER????? But I know it isn't that simple, b/c my Mom is nuts, too. And now my nephew clearly has ADHD, and b/c my sister is a druggy, he's been exposed to awful experiences and situations. I pray to God he doesn't end up a criminal, but I almost couldn't blame him if he did. He's very bright - everyone is amazed by his vocabulary and communication skills, and he's hilariously funny and sarcastic. It's an awful shame.

I was depressed as as teen, and started therapy at that time. I've battled with that, anxiety and OCD for years. My life is so much better in my 30s, my therapist is amazed by my progress, but the early years were hell. I wouldn't want to put anyone through what I went through. Some of it was genetic, and some environmental. I'm very sensitive, and hated my peers when I was a teenager, and this made me even more depressed.

People that haven't dealt with depression don't get it. They don't understand why you would never want to pass that on to someone. They also don't understand the trauma of being raised in a crazy home. This is not my main reason for not having kids at all. But I feel like, if my childhood sucked, I get to enjoy childhood now. Not by being immature, but by allowing myself to flourish in a way I never did when I was younger. I did my time, I'm not doing it again!!!