BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Miscarriage insensitive comments

This week, I wrote about dealing with insensitive comments after a miscarriage. I'm sure every one who has experienced a miscarriage has heard at least one. Weigh in. What were the comments you heard that you could have done without? How did you deal with them?

I had a miscarriage at the beginning of Nov. A few of my relatives said some things. My cousin cristina carried her baby to term and he died. So when everyone heard that I had miscarriage, alot of them said its ok, it happens, but be gald u lost him now instead of later like cristina. I know they meant well and were trying to cheer me up. But it still hurt.

Insensitive Comment Round Up? I just found out yesterday that at 12 weeks my baby has passed away. When I told my best friend this morning she asked me if I wanted to be on her "Beer Volleyball league because I can drink now." I am a 30 year old professional - it must have just been what was on her mind. Apparently my whole pregnancy was messing up her team.

Heather, i am so sorry for your lost!
And your thoughtless friend

My mom -- who usually is wiser than this in interpersonal issues -- said to me, "Well, at least I know you know there was probably something wrong with it." (It was an early mis -- at 5 weeks.) But I didn't know that -- I have infertility problems, and it could have been a hormonal imbalance. And no matter the cause, the fact that I conceived and than lost it, I didn't want to hear anything but "Poor baby." (Yeah, I know, selfish of me!)

With my first miscarriage some "friend" said, "Well, it's better because you probably had a deformed one inside you anyway.That's nature's way of dealing with abnormalities."

I was crushed and never spoke to her again.

My miscarriage was a partial molar - a true genetic abnormality when my best friend heard this she said oh, "so you had like a deformed alien inside you." I was so dumbfounded that she could say this two weeks after i lost the baby that I had so loved. I laughed even though I wanted to cry. I went through the motions of our friendship for the next two months, but since I have started getting a hangle on things I have taken a closer look at our friendship and have not spoken to her.

Ladies,

I am so sorry for the pain that all of you went through.

Not only in losing your children, but in losing friends and family support, too.

There was a thread on here the other day about "empathy". We are sorely lacking that in the world today.

My grandmother, whom I love dearly, upon learning of my miscarriage at 19 weeks... "Good you don't really need more kids anyway"....

sigh

The "it's not so bad" response: "It's not like you can't get pregnant again. There's always next time."

Hi, new here. I just miscarried about two weeks ago and for the most part I feel numb. My husband complains that I don't seem like i care, which was hurtful. The worst thing so far that has happened to me is that people i told i was pregnant, told many people too. As such, i have people coming to me congratulating me and it hurts worse than everything else i have been through. I can't go anywhere without someone coming and congratulating me! I was at a girls only get together, which i thought would be good since i hadn't been out of the house in about two weeks. Everyone there knew, but a friend of a friend showed up and congratulated me loudly in front of everyone. Even though we were all ignoring the big purple elephant, i was having fun and that went right out the window for the rest of the nite. The next day i finally got out bed about 1:30 in the afternoon (unusual for me). I know the girl didn't know any better but my friend who told her was there and i can't help but wonder why the friend that told her, didn't tell her the bad news!!! Very upsetting and insensitive!

The response to this would be, "Yes, but it won't be THIS child."

That tends to shut them up pretty quick.

I've had several miscarriages... finally I did have a daughter, and now am pregnant with a second child. It's been a struggle each time.

After my daughter, I suffered not so much insensitive remarks, that I can remember, just the company of insensitive people in general. I was doing volunteer work for several organizations, and one that had to do with working with children more or less dumped me because I was going through a hard time... I'm happy they did show their true colors, in the end.

This stuff is hard for other people to understand... lots of women don't even know they're pregnant when they miscarry, for that matter. Some of us are more sensitive to these things than others.

I guess it's all relative... but one could hardly be "glad" you lost him now rather than later!

I had a D & C the day after Thanksgiving after 3 weeks of having to go back to the doctors to make sure the baby had stopped growing. When I told my family, my sister in law kept saying "It's a blessing in disguise." She meant well, and I do believe that things work themselves out in the end, but that was the last thing I wanted to hear. It sucked, and none of that cliche [censored] makes anybody feel better.

I was told by the docotr that they may have to remove "the products of conception." Every time they mentioned my baby they called her that. I was so hurt and devastated.

Mine came from the father after I got hom from the ER. I was crying a lot, and in the midst of my depression and self hate over my body's failure he said "This totally spoils the memory of my first Atmosphere concert." Yeah it is his favorite band, but I can't help the fact that it happened the exact time he was at the concert. I never spoke to him again. *hugs to everyone* People should learn to not make jokes, rude comments (honest or not) during a emotionally devestating time as a miscarriage can be.

Newbies, just want to welcome yous to the forum, We hope that you enjoy your stay. And were very sorry for your loss
Rosie

Hi everyone I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and am devastated. I've had: 1) Well, you can always have another one 2) At least you've already got children 3) At least you know you can get pregnant 4) You just need to try and get over it now (the next day!) 5) It was probably just as well And these comments were all from family. I can't even rely on the ones I needed most to support me! I'd be interested in finding out when others who'd experienced miscarriage started to "feel better" (so to speak). I'm finding it very hard to cope with.

Well I had several of the same that were mention above, but to Fayebelina ballerina, it took me months to realize that I "felt better." Each day that passes it will hurt a little less and less, and no matter what anyone says YOU WILL NEVER FORGET ABOUT IT. You will never "get over it" or "fully heal." But the days will get easier. For me, it took about a month before I wanted to do anything that I didn't have to. It took a year before I spent a day without thinking about it. It sounds wierd, but now I can even smile about it what my little Gabriel might have been. It has been a year and a half. Does this help any?

I had a miscarriage 35 years ago. I got pregnant again right away and had a son in Oct. of that same year. Nearly every day I think about the baby I lost and wonder what he/she would be like today.

I have a co-worker who is pregnant but acts like she's diseased. She just HAD to tell me she was pregnant two days after I found out I miscarried. Then, about a week later she tells me that she envies me! This is my second miscarriage, the first one was a partial molar and about killed me emotionally. I am trying so hard to stay sane after this one that when she said that I really just couldn't believe it!

I had some friends of mine tell me well you should just be grateful for the 3 kids you have. What do you want anymore kids for anyway? Are you trying for a Baseball team? It hurt me so much. This is our 4th miscarriage in 14 years and it never get easier. But when people act like this child you lost isn't important it just rips my heart out. I love my boys with all my heart. But they were not this baby or any of the babies that went to heaven before this one. No one can replace this little one. :(

Oh how completely terrible! I am so sorry for your loss. Some people just can be so rude! You are in my prayers.