BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Confused about kids

Okay, I posted my question in the childfree section of this sight, and now I would like to post here. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 13. I am 30 years old. When we got married, I said we would have children in about 3-5 years. I "assumed" we would have 3. Well, for the first 5 years of marraige, everyone kept asking me when we would have kids...I kept pushing them off. I wasn't ready. Honestly, I never had a strong motherly instictive feeling. I never had the desire to have a child and never really felt comfortable around other people's children. I love my husband and want a family with him.

A couple years ago, I went off the pill. We were still being "safe", but knew it could happen. There were even a couple months we tried and I was excited, only to get a negative pregnancy test and a period. A little over a year ago, I got pregnant. This time, we were not trying. It was unexpected. After two days, I completely freaked out. I made myself sick. I suddenly had this feeling that I don't ever want children. I always knew I would be a little upset because a part of my life I loved would be over, but I actually felt like my entire life came to an end. For the next two weeks, I had my ups and downs. Somedays I thought it would be okay and others I totally did not want to have any part of it. At only 6 weeks, I miscarried. After that, I was a mess again. I wanted it back more than anything in the world. How could I have such negative thoughts? After two months of trying again, I slowly began to freak out again. For the past year, I have been a mess. I suddenly don't know if I ever want a child or the huge responsibility that comes with them. I like my privacy and my life the way it is. Problem is, my husband would still like children. He says it is completely up to me, and he would adjust either way. He married me for me, not to just have children. However, he does think we (or rather he) would regret it when we are older if we do not have them.

I am so torn. Some days I think it would be okay, and others I remember how against it I felt when I found out I was pregnant. My husband is great. He cooks and cleans and I know he would share in baby duties. He sees children and his face lights up. I don't want him to not have this chance to raise a child of his own, but I am so terrified at the same time. If I remain child free, I will also always wonder about that child I lost. I would have a five month old right now. I know you should never do it for someone else, and that it is me who should want this, but really, I REALLY want him to have a child. Is it possible I freaked out because I was not ready? It was unexpected. But what if I decide to go ahead with this and I get that way again?

I know I still have time, but if I do this, I don't want to wait much longer. Besides, it is all I can think about for the past year and is starting to eat me up inside. I used to be okay with the idea and even wanted it a little bit until it actually happened. I admit, each month before I get my period, I start to worry that i am pregnant...yet, a small part of me wants to see a positive pregnancy test. But that may be just so that I no longer have a choice. I really don't know. I just thought since I asked in the CF forum, that I would get some opinions from parents as well. Is it normal to freak out like that when you get pregnant? Do motehrly instincts really kick in? Are the "rewards" really enough to keep you happy with the change your life takes? Can it bring you and your husband closer together or farther apart? We have such a great relationship, and yet I worry a child could ruin that because we will no longer have the time for each other like we do now.

I am taking this decision very seriously. I want to have that happy family, and yet, I don't know that I want all the responsibilty that comes with it. Yet, you can't have one without the other. Thank you for listening.

About four posts down you will find a thread titled, "Need support - I hate being a mom" If you read it you will probably gather that we all bring different feelings to the mother table.

Having a child is a major life thing. Of course you will freak and doubt and confuse yourself, I think everyone does to a degree.

Doubt and negative thoughts just come along for the ride. For me, kids are not all fun, I wasn't sure that I wanted to be a mom either. I will never like the things that some moms do, and those moms will never see things the way that I do.

Personally, I now know that my life could never be as rich or as full of learning/understanding and growth as it is because of my children.

Who knows what type of baby you would have. It may be easy, it may be extreme. For me, my first baby experience was Hard. All I can say is if you want the guarantee of roses, see a florist. If you want to learn what life is really about, one way is to have a baby. PS. babies will pick your roses and bring them to you.

Thank you for your response.

You said you weren't sure you wanted to be a Mom either, and now you could not imagine life being so rich. Do you mind my asking what it was that made you decide to become a mother?

I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it does seem that the majority of people are happy with children. Otherwise, everyone would stop at one. It's just very difficult to jump in to the unknown when you are so used to life the way it is without children. I obviously am a little afraid of such a big change. I know I was never one of those girls who dreamed of having children, but I also never thought I would have had such negative thoughts about it either like I did.

I hate to say it, but for me it was also my husbands desire. He made everything seem manageable.

I was 32 when I got pregnant. I was very set in my ways. And I think it is more difficult to give so selflessly when you are. But, on the other hand, I know what I am giving, a lot of generous people, give and then cry cause they don't realise what is up till they are mired in a life-style that takes more from them then they intend.

People are self absorbed and selfish. There is no easy way in life. At some point we are all poised to learn something new, and often it involves our kicking and screaming about the distaste of it all.

Two kids amuse each other, it takes the pressure off of the parents to 'entertain' them.

Wow, so you have kind of been where I am. You made that statement about two kids entertaining each other. I always said that if I had one, I would want a second. I wouldn't want an only child. Now, I think that if I do this, I would just need to see how I felt with just one first.

So it was your husband as well. I am actually glad to hear this. Everyone says not to do it just for him. You did, and you are still thrilled with your life now. It worked out for you. My husband also seems like he will make it very manageable. I know a lot of guys say they will help out, and then they don't much, but I really do believe my husband would help out 50%. Especially because he knows that this decision is so hard for me. However, he also does not want me to do something that I don't want to do.

I do believe that I am very selfish. I am also very set in my ways, so it is very hard for me to imagine my life any other way. As much as I don't know that I would like another person living in my house, I also really want to see my husband holding his own child. I really do want to see that, but is that good enough reason? I don't want to be one of those people who hates being a Mom. I know I can handle the stress and hard work that comes with it, but I don't want to always miss the life I have now either.

The problem is, I don't know how I will feel 20 years from now. I don't want to regret not having a child, but I don't want to regret having one even more. It seems that there is a chance I could be happy with a child...most people are, but there is also this chance I will not be happy without one because I will always feel like I let my husband down. He would be a wonderful Dad and I want him to have that chance. I just don't know how to move forward when I am so terrified. I don't know how to get passed these negative thoughts.

I can't help you there. I am good at seeing both sides, or all sides of a situation. When I would get scared or worried, I would reason myself out of it. And, stick to my commitment, sometimes with very deep swallows, as I headed into the unknown.

Choosing to give my husband a baby, was choosing to become a family. My oldest is 14, then 12, then 10 (tried for a girl) My dad is gone, my mom is older now, (some days "joke" my husband may not make it through) but I still have this great wonderful family. And, at the ages they are presently at, I have regained my independence. Sure, they still need some time and energy from me, but I like them enough to want to willingly give it to them.

The hardest part is raising young babies, and you are allowed time-outs from that. That is if you are smart enough to take them, I wasn't.

I am a mom. I never questioned having kids - I knew I would have them. You mention 20 years from now. I can see you regretting not having a child 20 years from now, but if you have a child, 20 years from now he/she will still be your child, but not a baby. As MomsPaula mentions, once your kids are in their teens, you gain quite a bit of freedom. My kids are 17, 15, and 14, a lot of weekends they are not home at all between sports and sleepovers. Good luck what ever you decide.

Hi RNS, I remember you from the child free forum and thank you for posting in my thread. I just wanted to say there is really no magic way to know the feeling until you are put in the situation. We all "think" based on what we know now, but feelings change so much. Like me, I thought I will be happier before I have a child, but I am not. But a friend of mine who didn't wnat to have a child before she got pregnant, and now she keeps telling me her son is "best gift of her life".

But I think your husband's desire is very important in this whole equation as well. I am confident I will be much happier if my hubby enjoys baby or kids, because I love him so much. But he doesn't. He wanted to be child free, and I am the one who drag us into this mess. I feel guilty of ruining his life and I still do. But it is very possible your hubby loves kids, and you'll be happy just seeing him playing with a child...

With all due respect how do you know she would regret it?

Isint it better to regret not having a child as oposed to regret having one.How tragic is that?

This is an incredibly personal subject and I think for some people there will never be a "right" answer - for those of us who are unsure there will be those who decide to go for it and have a child and hate it, there will also be those of us who decide not to have a child and wonder "what if?"...

I am going on the side of "if I'm not sure, I won't"... I am 33 and for me I have never wanted children, but as I'm hitting that "use by date" on my fertility (I know some women have kids into their 40s but I know that's something that I could never do) and weighing up all the options - I haven't taken the decision lightly and think it makes it so much harder when people pre-empt you and try and put doubts in your mind of the fact that you'll deeply regret it in the future...