Okay, I posted my question in the childfree section of this sight, and now I would like to post here. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 13. I am 30 years old. When we got married, I said we would have children in about 3-5 years. I "assumed" we would have 3. Well, for the first 5 years of marraige, everyone kept asking me when we would have kids...I kept pushing them off. I wasn't ready. Honestly, I never had a strong motherly instictive feeling. I never had the desire to have a child and never really felt comfortable around other people's children. I love my husband and want a family with him.

A couple years ago, I went off the pill. We were still being "safe", but knew it could happen. There were even a couple months we tried and I was excited, only to get a negative pregnancy test and a period. A little over a year ago, I got pregnant. This time, we were not trying. It was unexpected. After two days, I completely freaked out. I made myself sick. I suddenly had this feeling that I don't ever want children. I always knew I would be a little upset because a part of my life I loved would be over, but I actually felt like my entire life came to an end. For the next two weeks, I had my ups and downs. Somedays I thought it would be okay and others I totally did not want to have any part of it. At only 6 weeks, I miscarried. After that, I was a mess again. I wanted it back more than anything in the world. How could I have such negative thoughts? After two months of trying again, I slowly began to freak out again. For the past year, I have been a mess. I suddenly don't know if I ever want a child or the huge responsibility that comes with them. I like my privacy and my life the way it is. Problem is, my husband would still like children. He says it is completely up to me, and he would adjust either way. He married me for me, not to just have children. However, he does think we (or rather he) would regret it when we are older if we do not have them.

I am so torn. Some days I think it would be okay, and others I remember how against it I felt when I found out I was pregnant. My husband is great. He cooks and cleans and I know he would share in baby duties. He sees children and his face lights up. I don't want him to not have this chance to raise a child of his own, but I am so terrified at the same time. If I remain child free, I will also always wonder about that child I lost. I would have a five month old right now. I know you should never do it for someone else, and that it is me who should want this, but really, I REALLY want him to have a child. Is it possible I freaked out because I was not ready? It was unexpected. But what if I decide to go ahead with this and I get that way again?

I know I still have time, but if I do this, I don't want to wait much longer. Besides, it is all I can think about for the past year and is starting to eat me up inside. I used to be okay with the idea and even wanted it a little bit until it actually happened. I admit, each month before I get my period, I start to worry that i am pregnant...yet, a small part of me wants to see a positive pregnancy test. But that may be just so that I no longer have a choice. I really don't know. I just thought since I asked in the CF forum, that I would get some opinions from parents as well. Is it normal to freak out like that when you get pregnant? Do motehrly instincts really kick in? Are the "rewards" really enough to keep you happy with the change your life takes? Can it bring you and your husband closer together or farther apart? We have such a great relationship, and yet I worry a child could ruin that because we will no longer have the time for each other like we do now.

I am taking this decision very seriously. I want to have that happy family, and yet, I don't know that I want all the responsibilty that comes with it. Yet, you can't have one without the other. Thank you for listening.

About four posts down you will find a thread titled, "Need support - I hate being a mom" If you read it you will probably gather that we all bring different feelings to the mother table.

Having a child is a major life thing. Of course you will freak and doubt and confuse yourself, I think everyone does to a degree.

Doubt and negative thoughts just come along for the ride. For me, kids are not all fun, I wasn't sure that I wanted to be a mom either. I will never like the things that some moms do, and those moms will never see things the way that I do.

Personally, I now know that my life could never be as rich or as full of learning/understanding and growth as it is because of my children.

Who knows what type of baby you would have. It may be easy, it may be extreme. For me, my first baby experience was Hard. All I can say is if you want the guarantee of roses, see a florist. If you want to learn what life is really about, one way is to have a baby. PS. babies will pick your roses and bring them to you.

Thank you for your response.

You said you weren't sure you wanted to be a Mom either, and now you could not imagine life being so rich. Do you mind my asking what it was that made you decide to become a mother?

I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it does seem that the majority of people are happy with children. Otherwise, everyone would stop at one. It's just very difficult to jump in to the unknown when you are so used to life the way it is without children. I obviously am a little afraid of such a big change. I know I was never one of those girls who dreamed of having children, but I also never thought I would have had such negative thoughts about it either like I did.

I hate to say it, but for me it was also my husbands desire. He made everything seem manageable.

I was 32 when I got pregnant. I was very set in my ways. And I think it is more difficult to give so selflessly when you are. But, on the other hand, I know what I am giving, a lot of generous people, give and then cry cause they don't realise what is up till they are mired in a life-style that takes more from them then they intend.

People are self absorbed and selfish. There is no easy way in life. At some point we are all poised to learn something new, and often it involves our kicking and screaming about the distaste of it all.

Two kids amuse each other, it takes the pressure off of the parents to 'entertain' them.

Wow, so you have kind of been where I am. You made that statement about two kids entertaining each other. I always said that if I had one, I would want a second. I wouldn't want an only child. Now, I think that if I do this, I would just need to see how I felt with just one first.

So it was your husband as well. I am actually glad to hear this. Everyone says not to do it just for him. You did, and you are still thrilled with your life now. It worked out for you. My husband also seems like he will make it very manageable. I know a lot of guys say they will help out, and then they don't much, but I really do believe my husband would help out 50%. Especially because he knows that this decision is so hard for me. However, he also does not want me to do something that I don't want to do.

I do believe that I am very selfish. I am also very set in my ways, so it is very hard for me to imagine my life any other way. As much as I don't know that I would like another person living in my house, I also really want to see my husband holding his own child. I really do want to see that, but is that good enough reason? I don't want to be one of those people who hates being a Mom. I know I can handle the stress and hard work that comes with it, but I don't want to always miss the life I have now either.

The problem is, I don't know how I will feel 20 years from now. I don't want to regret not having a child, but I don't want to regret having one even more. It seems that there is a chance I could be happy with a child...most people are, but there is also this chance I will not be happy without one because I will always feel like I let my husband down. He would be a wonderful Dad and I want him to have that chance. I just don't know how to move forward when I am so terrified. I don't know how to get passed these negative thoughts.

I can't help you there. I am good at seeing both sides, or all sides of a situation. When I would get scared or worried, I would reason myself out of it. And, stick to my commitment, sometimes with very deep swallows, as I headed into the unknown.

Choosing to give my husband a baby, was choosing to become a family. My oldest is 14, then 12, then 10 (tried for a girl) My dad is gone, my mom is older now, (some days "joke" my husband may not make it through) but I still have this great wonderful family. And, at the ages they are presently at, I have regained my independence. Sure, they still need some time and energy from me, but I like them enough to want to willingly give it to them.

The hardest part is raising young babies, and you are allowed time-outs from that. That is if you are smart enough to take them, I wasn't.

I am a mom. I never questioned having kids - I knew I would have them. You mention 20 years from now. I can see you regretting not having a child 20 years from now, but if you have a child, 20 years from now he/she will still be your child, but not a baby. As MomsPaula mentions, once your kids are in their teens, you gain quite a bit of freedom. My kids are 17, 15, and 14, a lot of weekends they are not home at all between sports and sleepovers. Good luck what ever you decide.

Hi RNS, I remember you from the child free forum and thank you for posting in my thread. I just wanted to say there is really no magic way to know the feeling until you are put in the situation. We all "think" based on what we know now, but feelings change so much. Like me, I thought I will be happier before I have a child, but I am not. But a friend of mine who didn't wnat to have a child before she got pregnant, and now she keeps telling me her son is "best gift of her life".

But I think your husband's desire is very important in this whole equation as well. I am confident I will be much happier if my hubby enjoys baby or kids, because I love him so much. But he doesn't. He wanted to be child free, and I am the one who drag us into this mess. I feel guilty of ruining his life and I still do. But it is very possible your hubby loves kids, and you'll be happy just seeing him playing with a child...

With all due respect how do you know she would regret it?

Isint it better to regret not having a child as oposed to regret having one.How tragic is that?

This is an incredibly personal subject and I think for some people there will never be a "right" answer - for those of us who are unsure there will be those who decide to go for it and have a child and hate it, there will also be those of us who decide not to have a child and wonder "what if?"...

I am going on the side of "if I'm not sure, I won't"... I am 33 and for me I have never wanted children, but as I'm hitting that "use by date" on my fertility (I know some women have kids into their 40s but I know that's something that I could never do) and weighing up all the options - I haven't taken the decision lightly and think it makes it so much harder when people pre-empt you and try and put doubts in your mind of the fact that you'll deeply regret it in the future...

I think it would depend on why you dont want kids. if you are afraid and you are letting that stop you then you will regert having not faced those fears. on the other hand if you dont want kids because you dont like or truly cant handle kids and you have them then you would regret having kids. I think you would grow to resent your husband for "making you have them" and blame your kids for being more them you can cope with.

for me I dont have a choice being a diabetic and overwieght plus a smoker plus I have already gone through menopause when I was 15 so I cant have kids. but I never wanted to have kids. I love kids and I am more then happy to babyset or whatever but I dont want my own kids because I am not a mother. I dont have the pacients it takes or the stamina to keep up with them on a 24-7 365....

I also know that there are millions of kids out there with nowhere to go that need a home and someone to love them. so if I am ever ready to have a child I can adopt one that is potty trained!!! lol

there are a number of reasons not to have a child but fear is not a good one! and there are a great many reasons to have a child but pressure is not one of them!

ok so Im not a mom and I am rambling on at 2 am but I hope this helps!!!

It's a tough one - I think it's easier when you know you definitely want them or don't want them - for most people it's a question of weighing up your true feelings - and I mean YOUR feelings not society, your parents, friends or anyone else.
I think it's the biggest and most important decision we have to make in life - marry the wrong man, you can get a divorce - take the wrong job or course - resign or change courses - but having a child is a lifelong commitment.
As a young woman I steered clear of men who definitely wanted kids - to marry a man who wants kids puts enormous pressure on you to have a child/ren - it could even break up a marriage.
Remember it is your life that will change the most - in most cases it is the mother who provides the day to day care, takes the break in her career etc.
I agree that fear should not stop you from having a child - that is, fear of pain, doctors, hospitals etc. One of my friends was terrified of all things medical - she eventually found a gentle and kind female ob/gyn who helped her through the experience.
Unfortunately there is no easy answer - in the end you have to make your own decision.
It's often helpful to ask yourself questions: Why do I (and I means YOU) want to have a child? Am I unhappy with my life? What do I like most about my life? What do I dislike about my life? Why don't I want a child? If I had married a man who didn't want children - would I still want to have a child?
Hope everything works out for you...

One last point - as for having regrets in 20 years time.
I personally do not believe in regrets - you can't change history so having regrets achieves absolutely nothing. I always look forward...
All you can do is make the decision and live with the consequences whether that be CF or motherhood.

It is very difficult to make this choice, especially when you have to make it after age 30--or as with some women and as in my case, after 35.

I had my son at 36 because I met my husband when I was older.

And now I am 41--well, I will be on the 17th. I wish now I'd had at least one more child, but am not able to at this point. And I regret having waited, and regret having only one child.

Getting married so late and getting pregnant so late were huge adjustments--especially since I was a very set person, very picky about having my private, alone time, keeping to my schedule, having things in the house just so. I had always said "I will never never marry and never have kids".

Never, schmever.

I had a great guy and a great marriage and had arrived at a good place in life and suddenly, I felt different about having a child. I knew the marriage was good and knew it would last, knew the hubby would make a great dad and knew how much he wanted a baby.

So I looked a little deeper at myself and said, are you afraid to have a baby because everything will change? And honestly, that was it. I wanted everything the same all the time because it was comforting to me to have it be that way. I knew what to expect all the time in my world because I made it that way. I controlled my environent so it could not control me.

Scared, yes. Anxious, yes. Panicky, even? Yes.

Did everything change? Yes. Some things for the worse, some--many--for better.

Am I glad I had my son? Absolutely.

I think Deborah 49s answer was a good one.

You have to make the right choice for you, taking your husband and his feelings into account also--as he is a part of your life and future.

No different than if the situation was that you wanted kids and he said no way---you guys need to find the right answer for you both, that pleases and works for both of you.

And I am glad you posted here. Much better to talk it over with someone than not to do so and wish you had.

I had my last child at 37. I wish we had our family earlier, sometimes. Mainly because I worry about staying healthy, as I age. But, it took me that long to be ready.

Happy Birthday, Bookratt! I will be celebrating on that day as well (48)

Happy birthday to you both!

It's been a while since I have been on the forum, but thank you for all your responses.

First, I want to answer Deberah's questions:

Why do I (and I means YOU) want to have a child?
Honestly, I would like a family, and I truly to want to see my husband with his own child. He loves children and I would love to see him with his own.

Am I unhappy with my life?
No.

What do I like most about my life?
My husband, my privacy and my ability to relax and do what I want when I want.

What do I dislike about my life?
Nothing (maybe my job).

Why don't I want a child?
I never really felt a connection with children. I don't hate them, but I don't love them either. Honestly, I always thought I would have them someday, once I got married anyway, but once I accidentally got pregnant, I had these negative feelings I never even knew existed, and that is what worries me most. I also fear what it would do to us as a couple. We have a great solid relationship that I know will last, but I am so used to it being just us. What would a baby do to us? Basically, when I found out I was pregnant, I felt like MY life had ended and I didn't want it to.

If I had married a man who didn't want children - would I still want to have a child?
If my husband did not want them, I would be content living life the way it is now.

I honestly believe that I am lucky with the man I met. I truly feel he would take on baby duties 50/50. He already cooks and cleans, so I am already in a position where he helps out a lot. I am spoiled, I admit. I was growing up, and I still am now. Maybe that is my biggest problem.

When you hit this age, you are content with life the way it is and see how much a baby will change everything you are accustomed to. Again, something I have a problem with. I hate change.

I think most women love having children, with a few exceptions. Having a guy who helps, definitely would make it easier. I guess I just worry that I would be unhappy and be one of those few that are. The problem is, I would never really know unless I took the plunge. If I hated it, I would have to make the best of it because it would not be the child's fault. I couldn't blame my husband either, as he said if I really don't want one, he would learn to live with that and stick by me no matter what.

I also believe you should never have regrets in your life, but I also believe it is better to regret not having a child than it is having one. But I really think I could regret not having one with such a great guy who loves children. Again, I thought we would have one someday, but those feeling I had when I got pregnant were unexpected and scary. Would I have had an abortion? No. But I miscarried,. Did I get what I wanted? Yes and no. I didn't want to be pregnant, but I also didn't want anything to be wrong with the child I was carrying and I didn't want to lose it for my husband. I was hurt after I lost it. Maybe that tells me something. Is it possible I just wasn't ready? It was unexpected and not planned. Could it be different next time? But those feeling were so strong. Could hormones affected my thoughts? Maybe. I guess I just need to wait and see where things go. I never did go back on the pill, but we are still being "careful". Maybe I just need to take the plunge. I am a good person and would still do what is right by a child, if I had one. Ad if I was not happy, it would be no one's fault but my own.

Again, thanks for reading!!

It's clear you're going through a difficult time and I can understand why...it is a huge life changing decision.
Perhaps you need to give yourself a bit of breathing space - you're only 30 so you still have time...perhaps with time the issue will become clearer and your feelings more certain. Many of my friends didn't want children until they were older - they simply "weren't ready" before they were 35 or so.
It's so difficult when your husband loves and would like children - it does add an extra pressure.
Do you have any kids in your circle? It's sometimes helpful to take someone's child for 24 hours - I know when I was going through a last minute panic we were asked to care for a 2 year old for 48 hours - it was an emergency and his parents needed to leave him somewhere fast. It couldn't have happened at a better time.
I couldn't believe how hard it was to care for him for just a weekend - forget the sleep in's, forget reading the paper, trying to occupy him, watching him constantly, playing with him, settling him at night and getting up to him, oh, and the MESS! - it was a valuable experience for us.
Equally, you may get to the end of the weekend and feel reassured that it's definitely for you.
Hope you find an answer that sits well with both of you.

Unfortuantely, there are no younger children left in my family. The youngest is now 9. My friend just had her second baby, but unfortunately, she lives states away (flying two hours). I am not sure that someone else's kids could give me the right answer though.

I just read a post by peartree2u on page 6 of the thread that Jennyt started. I think she has a point. It rings true in so many ways. Reading her thread made me realize something that I am afraid of. It is all the change in those first few years. The fear of regretting what I did, missing my life before children, resenting the child and just being plain miserable. That is what worries me. How would I get passed these first couple years? What if I don't get passed them? But like peartree said, she is getting past that stage. She loves her child and is now realizing the entire thing was more of a learning process and maybe a bit of a grieving one as well. It's an adjustment and maybe this is what you are going through. Things have to get easier, right?

However, someone else wrote in that thread (Chris) that they feel the same was as jenny with a 3 year old. So there really are people who maybe aren't happy. How do you know in those first couple years if it will really get better or not?

So, are all these worries/fears enough to stop someone from trying? This is what I need to figure out for myself.

a few more things. After reading even more of that post, I notice a common similarity between those that aren't too happy being parents. They mention boredom. I worry I could end up feeling that way too. It actually is scary to see a few people admiting how they feel in that thread because it isn't something you hear often. People don't want to admit they feel that way, but there are those out there that do. It's funny, I feel like I would be more comfortable with a teenager than a child 2-6 years old. I just wish there was some sort of way to guarantee that I would be okay, or will I be if I just trust and believe I will be (like the little engine that could)? I mean, really, can it all just be in your head and you can make it what you want it to be?

And then I hear all these stories of women beaming while they are pregnant, which I don't know if I ever could because the entire idea seems a bit alien to me. And all these women who love being a mother and admit it is hard, but definitely worth every minute. I often wonder if this can really be true, or if deep down, they feel the same way those others do in that thread, but won't admit it to me.

Of course, nothing would make me happier than to see my husband playing with his own child. Is that enough to make it worth it for me? I am glad I still have time, but it helps to talk about it and go in to this with information. At least I know it would be hard and not just a walk in the park. Bookrat said said. She mentioned how she felt before she got pregnant. Well, that sounds just like me. But look, it worked out for her and she wishes she had more. So what am I so afraid of? A part of me feels like a terrible person for even thinking that I could end up unhappy. I have a great relationship and love my husband, so shouldn't I be excited to share something like this with him instead of being so afraid?

I have experienced ALOT of emotions as a parent but boredom was never one of them.

I enjoy my daughters company AND enjoy doing the things that kids enjoy, assuming your not talking about others annoying kids. I LOVE my daughter but other peoples kids annoy me.

I LOVE going shopping with her, love taking her to the beach and playing with her, love going to Disney. She has friends over to play and I have no problem with that.

Its not for everyone but if you don't like doing the things you HAVE to do when you have a kid, then being a parent would be very boring to you.

I think part of what brought me to this place is my parents adopted me whe they were 44 and 45. I spent most of my years growing up in the company of adults. We did fun things but most often they were adult things. When I had my daughter I LOVED doing kid things with her.

Its just my opinion but I think people should really WANT to have children, being a parent is not a passive experience. Its not like ordering a dessert that you don't know if you will like. You have to LOVE the idea more then anything or parenthood might not be for you.

I have to tell you that it takes over your entire life. There is literally nothing that is the same afterward AND that was what I wanted but if your not absolutely sure its what you want, I would give it a pass.

Just having kids doesn't make a family. A family can be many things these days. My husband and myself and our dogs are a family, to me. Families are increasingly not only a heterosexual couple and the children they made together. There's blended families, single parent families, adopted/foster families, gay couples with their adopted children making up a family...the traditional description doesn't apply anymore. So, don't worry about "not having a family"...if you have wonderful friends, you can make your own family of your choosing.

Cindy

Lisa, I think I would enjoy hanging out with you and your daughter, and doing the things she enjoys. You're lucky to have a daughter who likes doing things with you. I like "good" kids her age, they're fun to be around.

But the idea of all the "baby" things just bores me to tears. So much work, repetition, and no one to talk to most of the time. I remember going over to the home of one of my husband's friends during the day once when the wife was home with the kids, a baby and a young toddler. I walked in and the house was in shambles, toys scattered everywhere. The TV was playing "Barney" or the Wiggles, can't remember which. The mom looked completely frazzled and worn out. I just don't think I could cope with all off those things by myself, husband at work. The sameness of doing that over and over each day...I can't imagine it.

Cindy

Thanks for starting this thread, it's so helpful to read different perspectives.