BellaOnline Forums Education Post College Relocate for boyfriend?

Hi Readers! As a career counselor who works with college students, I get asked this question a lot. I'm wondering if any of you have any tips? The question is...now that I'm graduating, should I consider moving to a new city with my boyfriend, even if I don't have a job there? <img src="/images/graemlins/fish.gif" alt="" />

Should I follow my boyfriend to a new city after I graduate? single choice
	Yes! Go for it!!
	No
Votes accepted starting: 07/14/06 12:00 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Now is the time, if you are going to take a chance, it is easier to make changes I feel when you are younger and not set in your ways. Look at it as an opportunity for adventure, growth and expansion. Good luck to you both.

Give yourself an out. Move to be with him, fine, but make sure it's someplace you actually want to be stuck if the two of you split up, and make sure you have a job, a place to live, etc. and aren't in trouble if he says "we're ending it, now move out." And always have a backup if that falls through.

I learned this the hard way; I made huge plans to move in with my partner of almost four years, planned all of my future around living in that town...and then we split up before I got a job and moved there, and I had to abandon everything and start over in my hometown, where the opportunities were far less. I don't recommend it! And there's no way I'd ever again even think about moving for a guy unless it were somewhere I already wanted to move and I were going to be living on my own so if the relationship went splitsville, I'd still be okay.

I tend to go with the theory that you should never jump ship without a life-vest, a raft and a paddle. Translation: Go, if that's really what you and he want; but you really need to have a plan of action. You can't expect the other person to support you. You'll need a job, you need to contribute for your share, and you need a backup plan (in case any or all of the arrangement doesn't work).

Mine wasnt so good.

He actually married me so that i could move with him to Hawaii- -whch sounded like paradise, but was for three years, and I was only 19, and had never been farther from my family than from the 4 hour it took to fdrive from m college to the huouse..It was a MAJOR change.

I felt completely isolated on that island - 'cause I was the new 19 yr old officer's wife - the baby. i kept hearing about wive's clubs - but noone ever told me what to do. So I was just a loner. If I had to do it again - I'd aof kicked more booti and said "what's up with this?" and made a nuisance of myself trying to get involved. At least then i'd of had fun!

Make your own fun and friends, don't count on his having wives and girlfriends thath will be entertaining or worthwhile (although hopefully some will!)

It could be a fun adventure....as long as the girlfriend isn't sacrificing any big opportunities and is equipped to take care of herself; particularly in the event that the relationship ends.

Make sure you could be independant if you have to. As a lot of us know there is not always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I wish you luck

Wow-thanks to everyone who wrote in with all of the great advice. It's a hard decision, isn't it? For me, both times I was the one who got the job first. When I finished college, I moved away, and my boyfriend at the time dumped me! But when I finished graduate school, I had a new boyfriend, and he moved with me. (We're married now, by the way--yay!). I definitely agree with those of you who said to check it out first & to be independent if you had to be. Moving & starting over is always hard & it is so easy to get "clingy" when you are in a new place & don't know anyone.

Never relocate for a boyfriend! To many questions follow that
1 What if you break up?
2 Can you really be dependent on this person to support you while you look for a job?
3 Can you/and this person handle the emotional toll it takes on you because you don't work? or will it just be alot of tension?
If this person really cares they will understand you being established first more (secure in your career), before you relocate away from family/friends. Because nowbody wants to go back home to live with mom/dad. <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I think that's what we were all saying...DON'T be dependent on your boyfriend - make sure you can take care of yourself in case you do break up. If the relationship is solid (which obviously is not a guarantee that it will never end) and you're not giving up some wonderful opportunity and your boyfriend has a job somewhere and you want the relationship to continue....it could be a great experience. Everyone needs a little adventure in their lives....as long as you've got a safety net.

Im actually doiing this...Ill be moving tuesday to SC with my boyfriend who is in the Navy. I fully intend upon working and being an independant woman. This will however be my first time away from home...granted home will only be 15 hours away...but its not the same as coming over to watch tv and mooch a meal.

Hi Wendy...how exciting for you about the move to SC. I hope everything goes smoothly for you in the moving process. You're brave in my opinion...15 hours is a long ways from home, especially for the first time away. Stay safe in your travels & best of luck to you!

Kristy

Hi everyone,
Yale Daily news published an interesting article on this topic, in response to an article that ran in the NY Times about how people are waiting to get married.

Anyway, the Yale article says most people are worried about whether or not to relocate to the same city, rather than things like marriage. Here's the link to the Yale article (you have to scroll down a bit on the Yale page to read the article):
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My best friend did this...moved from Northern Virginia to Southern Cali with her boyfriend because he was in the Navy. They are now engaged but she has no friends of her own there and has to tag along everywhere with him. His friends resent this and she is homesick all the time. I would say I don't recommend doing this (unless it is somewhere you really want to go).

How do you decide who's job takes precedence? Do you take turns or go with whoever makes the most money?

Readers--your thoughts?

Thanks,
Kristy

Whoever makes the most money is one way to decide if job opportunities are about equal, but sometimes one partner's career choice is easier to accomidate than the other one.
For example, when my husband and I were first married, we lived in a city where there was a big pharmaceutical company. My husband was offered a job with them, but I was homesick and wanted to move back closer to home. I worked in a hospital laboratory and could get a job like that anywhere, but a job like the one I made my husband give up wasn't available back home. So, looking back, I probably should have sucked it up and stayed where we were.

Give yourself an out. Move to be with him, fine, but make sure it's someplace you actually want to be stuck if the two of you split up, and make sure you have a job, a place to live, etc. and aren't in trouble if he says "we're ending it, now move out." And always have a backup if that falls through.

You should never do something FOR your boyfriend like have a threesome, alienate yourself from your family, or make a life changing descision. Consult with yourself. Are there any oppotunities in you field in the new location, is it a location hat suits your personality, do you see your self with him forever?, does he respect you? do you respect him, do you know who you are as an individual as opposed to as a part of a relationship. Word to the wise never do something so drastic unless its for you or your family in absolutely dire straights.

As unmarried individuals, Your job takes precedence when you're the one who is deciding whether to stay or go. especially if his descicion is a;ready made.

When I was in college the first time, I DIDN'T go away to college because I had a boyfriend I didn't want to leave behind. That didn't work out. We eventually broke up and I ended up stuck in a dead end job.

When I went back to college a second time several years later, I decided to go away to college because it was the best choice for me (and my boyfriend had some options in the town I was looking at). I went to improve myself - my boyfriend coming along was just icing on the cake. We ended up getting married and are expecting our first child in a month!

I think that this is really similar to the "what to do AFTER college" thing. Either way, don't let a boyfriend be the determining factor on what is going to be best for you in the long run. Don't just have a back-up plan, have a plan where your life comes first. If the guy is the right one for you, he will be as happy for you as you will be for yourself and won't be going anywhere.

As long as you have something to do while you are there, I don't see it as being a bad thing.

Decisions need to be joint decisions and work well for both of you. If you hate the location, and he's forcing you to go, why can't he find another job that is more in the middle? If it comes down to him wanting to be somewhere and you hating that location, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. In terms of jobs, there are millions of jobs available. People take less-than-ideal jobs all the time to make things better for their family or schedule or so on. So if someone is prioritizing a job over everything else, that's a warning sign to me.