BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships don't understand what happned????

hi i'm new here, but i'm going out of my mind.

i was with this guy for five months, when we started out we both decided we wanted a serious relationship. things were wonderful for about 31/2 months, then he started having problems with his work and living situation, he got extremely busy and depressed (he's been in therapy for depression for about a year and half now), he couldn't bring himself to look for another appt. I told him that i love him and he shouldn't be so frustrated for not making so much money, i know it's a phase and things are going to get better.

i offered to help him look for a place because he felt overwhelmed with getting things right with his place and work. He often expressed he feels hopeless and lonely and that he feels sorry for himself. I didn't feel sorry for him, i understood his frustrations and tried to help him with looking for an appt. He started calling me less and less and his focuse was not on the relationship at all.

I called him and told him that i understand he's going through a rough time but it's not fair that he's shutting me out. Two days later he took me out to lunch and told me that he resents and judges me for not working (i was looking for a job for three months and didn't find anything yet) and living with my parents (i'm a full time student trying to get my MA to become a teacher) and for giving him advices on how to do things when he just wants me to be there and listen. then he said that he's not confident enough that he can be in a serious relationship, i said you want to break up? he said he doesn't know what he wants but he's not sure about me. i said then i'm not the right girl for you, he said it's not obvious yet, he's just being honest.

we decided to give it more time to get to know each other and decide if we are for each other or not. after a month he asked me how i feel towards him and i said that i love him, he said he doens't know how he feels about me yet. i got [censored] and told him it's not fair to drag this relationship if he doesn't know how he feels towards me after four months of being together (when i say together i mean we were together every weekend for four months and the family involvment in the relationship was very high on both sides). he asked for one week off to think about things. he came back after one week telling me again that he can't be with me. i asked him for an explanation, after crying his eyes out he told me he cannot get over my disability (i'm hard of hearing, but wear hearing aids and function very normally, he knew about my problem from day one!!!) i told him it's a bullshit excuse, he felt stupid and said that he's confused and he feels he's making the biggest mistake of his life, i told him he's right. then he wanted to try to patch things up and see if he can get overlook my disability.

after a few weeks, after being with his parents the whole weekend, he tells me he wants to be with me but not all the time. at that point i had it i said ok, bye bye. he wrote me a letter saying that he doesn't know why he can not appreciate me for all that i am and be happy and secure with it, and it's not fair to respond to my unconditional love towards him with conditioned love from his side. my question is, am i stupid for loving him unconditionally? i accepted him just the way he was and i enjoyed him because he was a great guy, but i'm starting to think was i loving him or being his doormat? i know i was being very honest with my emotions twords him and i didn't hold back on anything. I didn't think telling him that i love him was such a big deal, that's how i felt.....but why do i feel like i paying a high price for loosing him????? i feel like i scared him away or made him run away by giving him too much (which i did)...advice anyone?

Sounds like he's depressed, like really depressed. Not your issue at all. You only need to decide if you care about him well enough to be patient while he gets through it. The biggest problem tho is generally people with depression don't have the energy to get help...take a look around on web sites for depression. It may give you some ideas on how to deal/cope with a partner who has it. It's a difficult situation b/c the relationship is still really new (not like one of several years or something like that). Good luck.

Kim

kim, thanks for you advice, we are already been broken up for one month now and i don't think we're getting back together. i just don't want to feel so guilty thinking i drove him away by being the "nice" girl that's all.

depression takes a toll on everyone even if they dont know how much they are hurting anyone around them. im dealing with the same thing as u r just a lil differnt and its been almost 2 yrs now im depressed myself cuz i feel as im a failure dont blame urself u tried to be urself...

Hi Leilush!

I'm sorry you went through what you went through. But it's definately not you, it's him. All the things he said he wasn't sure of about you is his way of expressing his insecurities about himself. And you're right, the hearing problem he mentioned is a poor excuse. I, too, am hearing impaired and it was only a problem to one guy I dated many years ago. I don't see it as a "disability", and neither should you. :-) It's got its advantages if you look and choose to believe them.

So, no, I don't think you drove him away, I firmly believe, even though you loved him, he wasn't right for you. You have so much to offer to a really great guy and that guy will come along and treat you like the gold that you are. I have a guy like that so I know you'll find yours too.

To those of you that are depressed, I empathize with you and know you can get through it, remember YOU are in charge of your day. You can CHOOSE to have a good day or a bad day, no one can make that decision for you, they're not living your life for you.

Leilush, focus on what kind of guy you want in your life, and be specific about what you want and the universe will bring him to you directly or indirectly. :-)


Mary