BellaOnline Forums Family Single Parents Toughest Aspect of Single Parenting

As far as you are concerned, what is the toughest aspect of single parenting?

I have to say that at differnt stages of my children's lives, the answer to that question has been vastly different. At this moment in time, with my daughters at the ages of 19 and 15, the toughest part of being a single parent is letting go enough so that they can grow up and learn how to live without my constant influence. Letting go of your children is so hard. You continue to want to protect and guide them; however, there is a point where you have to trust that you have taught them well and they have the sense to use those lessons for their benefit. Of course, as parents, we will always be there to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, we actually have to let them fall down in order to be able to do that...

What is the hardest aspect of being a single parent in your life???

The hardest part of being a single parent for me was being enough of an influence ! With working full time and my daughter's busy life, it was hard to keep track of everything that was going on with her. She is grown up now and turned out well but I know there are things that I missed completely.

I think we all do. How could we ever remember to tell them everything? I know there are times when they have walked out the door and I tell myself, "I meant to say..." I catch them later and tell them. Sometimes they tell me that they wish they had known that or that is exactly what they did. Sometimes they look at me like I have lost my mind ("Let it go, mom; it's over with.") We can only do our best. If we keep the communication lines OPEN then at least they know we are there when they need us!

being a good influence and trying to get more patience!

I have two boys 11, and (almost) 16. I'm having a pretty tough time with my oldest, who thinks he's grown, and he thinks i'm as dumb as a box of rocks, and i'm completely out of touch with "today" ('rolling-my-eyes') others tell me all the time..."He's so respectful, and such a nice kid!" i'm thinking "are they talking about MY kid??" sometimes, i think he was abducted by aliens, because this can not be the child i suffered for 30 hours of hard labor to give life to. LOL!! i'm also told that the older he gets, the smarter i'll get...so there's hope! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
his dad and i just seperated in february (after nearly 18 years of marriage), his dad was completely unavailable emotionaly, financially, and he is an alcoholic (although not physically abusive, thank God). so my oldest is rebelous, and there's damage that we have to work on. he's been to counseling and all that. its tough, but we're making it.

i'm re-married now, but I used to be a single parent of a 2 and 8 year old (the 8 year old had Apsperger's syndrome-autistic). I found in my situation the hardest thing was giving vent to my own frustrations, sadness (the divorce tore me apart), and anger. Because my son needed me, I had to bury all my feelings, put on the brave face and be strong. He did not have the capability to face the world on his own at that time, and he was my resposibility, so I had to come 2nd, which is fine - I'm his mother. But that was definitely the hardest part.

Melissa -

That teenage boy that rolls his eyes and thinks you are a "box of rocks" is "so respectful" to other because of what YOU have taught him. So pat yourself on the back, hon. You are doing a great job.

He wouldn't be a teenage boy if he didn't act like his mom was dumb, but the truth is, he does respect you or he wouldn't act upon the ideals that you have instilled in him when he is with other people.

Hang in there! It is hard to deal with the damage that the ex has inflicted - on you and on the kids. I am glad that you are getting counseling for him, but don't forget your younger one AND you might consider all of you together. Your sons know that you have hurt and still hurt, even when you are really good at hiding it. They deal with that, too.

I hope to see you more in the Forums and if you ever want to vent, feel free to email me at [email]SingleParents@bellaonline.com.[/email]

Michelle -

I so agree! I believe that all mothers have those moments when they just wish that there was someone there to listen to them for a change. I know that I have mine where the thought crosses my mind, "Can't someone just take care of me for once?" It's just part of being human. And then we kick right back into mother mode and off we go, SuperMom off to save the world!

I have found that, to a certain extent, it is actually very healthy to express your emotions in front of your child. They need to know that it is okay for grown-ups to be sad, hurt, angry, etc., as long as we don't take it to excess or expect them to help solve our issues. They need to know that parents are human, too. And they need to see us take care of ourselves in healthy ways so that they can learn healthy life patterns, too.

I hope that you have found happiness in your new marriage! Congratulations! And give those two children of yours huge hugs every day! You are all very special!

The toughest aspect for me so far being a single parent is getting any ME time. Jocelyn's "sperm donor" has visitations with her while I'm working so even when she's with him, I'm still doing for others, not myself. I wouldn't want him to have her for any longer than that right now either. Also, being the only one who wakes up with her in the middle of the night or the only one around who can go to her when she wants held, ect. But, I suppose that kind of goes hand in hand with the "ME" time. But, I love it at the same time because I take pride in knowing that I am the only one whom she looks for, and relies on to be there. I'm the only one she smiles for as soon as she sees me walk through the door. In the end, even if her father gets more time, ect. I still will be the only one she can truely rely on.

Aimee -

You are right! You are a strong source of love, protection, and stability for your daughter and you should be proud of that! It is a very important role!

But you do need "me" time, too. We all do. It does not make us less as parents because we admit to it. How about other family members? Grandparents? Siblings? Really good friends with children? Is there anyone that can give you an hour or two of your own time, even if it is just to go to the grocery store or the library alone. Also, check your local churches for Mom's Morning Out. Most of these churches do not require that you be a member to use this service, though you will probably want to get to know the church a little better before you entrust your child to them.

Keep going strong, Aimee! Your daughter will always appreciate what you do for her and you can be proud that you are a strong parent!

Thank you very much Cynthia! It is difficult to get someone to watch her. My sister already takes care of her during the week while I work and I don't like to ask her to watch her too much more than that due to the fact she already has her all week. She will watch her and my roomate's small son on occasion when we (roomate and I) go to wal-mart. It's funny but I've gotten to the point where I look forward to our wal-mart trips because I can almost get myself re-grouped and it's nice to wander the aisles without a whiney child on my hip because she hates being in her seat. I love my daughter so very much. She's finally getting to the age where she will actually play with you. We played peek-a-boo with my jacket sleeve last night, it was amazing to watch her hide her eyes behind my sleeve then peek out to hear me say "peek-a-boo"! and for her to smile and go back behind my sleeve. Thank you for the church group idea; I'll have to look into that, it sounds like it could be fun, and relaxing!!

My toughest part is my 15 yr. old daughter has delayed onset of PTSD and ODD and she is so hard headed that I cannot do a thing with her. All I hear is she knows everything and all my rules are either stupid or dumb. She sees 3 different therapists 3 to 4 days a week and so far she does not show any sign of it helping.

Dear aspoiled,

(BTW I was musicalmom before I became an editor) My son is the one who has Aperger's, so I know a little of what you are goin through with the ODD - once upon a time he was diagnosed with that (mistakenly) before they settled on the Asperger's, because some of the characteristics are shared.

I wonder if seeing 3 therapists might be part of the problem, though? Michael sees a psychaitrist who also does his counseling because it is too easy to get differing theories and methods of therapy going if you use more than one therapist. In the same vein, I suffer from clinical depression and use a psychaitrist and a counselor, but my psychiatrist has stated that he prefers not to get involved in the actual counseling (preferring to do the medications and just checking on my progress with my counselor) because he doesn't want to have interracting therapies.

You might dsicuss this with the psychiatrist/physician who is in charge of your daughter's case and see what he/she recommends. The old adage "too many cooks spoil the soup" can be very true when dealing with the complicated brain (especially one that is going through puberty!) <img src="/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck! <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

I'm a single mom to a now 24-yr-old son, who is currently away at college. He doesn't have plans to move back to this city once he graduates next spring, so one of the harder things I had to deal with was coming to the realization that he is now an adult, and I won't be seeing him very much any more. His dad and I separated roughly 3 months before Stephen was born, and he is my only child, so we pretty much grew up together (I was 24 when I had him, but still had a lot of growing up of my own to do). We've been very close from the moment he came into this world, and I consider my son to be one of my closest soulmates.

However, I would have to say that the hardest thing I had to deal with as a single parent was dealing with the repercussions of his dad's absence on him. Stephen saw his father every so often while he was growing up, but his dad very often simply wasn't in his life. His dad was supposed to take him every weekend, but more often than not didn't show up at all. He never bothered with Stephen's birthdays (aside from one or two when he was very small), rarely acknowledged him on the holidays, and because of his lack of presence in Stephen's life, Stephen wound up with a tremendous lack of faith in himself. Bob (Stephen's dad) also went on to adopt a baby when Stephen was around 5 or 6, causing even further damage. All of Bob's actions (and more specifically, non-actions, or acts of rejection) inadvertently caused Stephen to believe he wasn't worthy of his father's love, which - as he got older - began to translate into the belief that he wasn't worthy of any love. And because of this, he turned his pain inward and began carrying around an enormous amount of self-hatred. I didn't come to realize this until Stephen was well into his teens, and the issues were so deeply embedded in his psych� that he still struggles with it today.

Bob passed away almost 2 months ago, and Stephen was finally forced to face all of the anger and pain toward his father that he'd been silently holding inside. Thankfully, he did communicate with his dad in the week before his death, and a lot of the anger was at last put to rest. But the other issues - those of anger toward his own self - are still there. It's been a long struggle, and I think there is nothing more painful to a parent than to see their child dealing with self-torture. Through it all I've learned a lot about both of us, and Stephen and I have become even closer....but it's been enormously hard at times, trying to get him to see just how wonderful and loving a soul he is, and teaching him how to finally rid himself of the inner turmoil.

So for me, seeing my son fighting all of the emotional demons he has been carrying around for all of these years has by far been the toughest aspect of being a single parent.

For me, the hardest part of being a single parent is having zero back up when I need it most. My dad and step-mom live an hour away, but both are in delicate job situations and are absolutely unavailable Monday-to-Friday. Kiara's dad and his parents also live an hour away, but all are also in delicate job situations and are unavailable weekdays. My boyfriend is working full-time and going to school full-time and while he tries to help whenever he can, he really doesn't have that option. I am at a point in my life where it is critical that I do well in school and work, and I get really stressed out when my daughter gets sick and her daycare won't take her, because I have no choice but to cancel all my meetings... At first I dealt with it okay, but tomorrow I have to cancel my third major meeting in a row because she is sick again. The ironic thing is she rarely gets sick; it just always happens at the worst possible time.

So far the hardest part for me, is being able to be there for both of them. My son is nearly 11 and my daughter is 3. My daughter tends to get more attention because she is younger and needs more. Being that it is just me I just don't seem to have enough time in the day and then feel guilty that my son is sometimes left out. I haven't figured out the proper balance yet. Any suggestions?

I think the hardest part is having full responsibility for them turning out to be decent young men, I have 2 boysa aged 9 and 14 and im finding the 14 year old a bot of a hanfull at the moment he is so imature in many ways but thinks he is a man and I need to know when to step back and not treat him like a child.

But lately its like we constantly argue. My ex (their dad) will go against everything I believe in just to get at me and he does it through them for eg if I tell them something is wrong hel tell them no its not. so its hard

Shakira -

Hang in there, hon! I understand where you are coming from when it comes to the other parent over-riding or going against everything you establish as the rules. It can be unbelievably frustrating. Will he talk with you at all (in a civilized manner)? If so, let him know that it is confusing for the boys when there are two different sets of rules that conflict drastically. You will not always agree on everything - and the small things really don't matter - but the major issues should be a united front, even though you don't live together. You are still parenting together. See if he will discuss the issues with you and try to work out a compromise that puts you both on common ground. If he just will not do this, then you are going to have to explain to your children that you don't agree with all of Daddy's rules and, unfortunately, there will be different rules in your separate houses. Explain to them the reasons for your rules, in as simple of terms as possible, and if they don't get that then just tell them that you have these rules because you love them.

As for the idea of raising boys without a man in the house, please see my review of the book, Raising Boys without Men. It is in the Book Review section of the Single Parents' site. It is an excellent book from two standpoints: 1) It is very inspiring and encouraging to single moms because it lets us know that we are not messing up our boys by raising them alone and 2) it allows us a fascinating look at the experiences of other single moms. I wish that I was closer so that I could loan you my copy. I loved it! I was very impressed with the methods these mom's used and the results they obtained with their sons. It was inspiring!

Being a mom is never easy, but we have to cultivate a support system that is, in essence, our cheering section for when we begin to feel like we are overwhelmed. Please feel free to vent in our Forum. I am sure there will always be someone around to give you encouragement!

You are a strong woman - probably stronger than you realize. One day your sons are going to realize how important you are to them. Until that day, know that you are their source of strength and a wealth of knowledge to them.

Precious HH-

It is very hard to balance the time between your children because they always have different needs based on age, interests, issues, etc. Of course, your three year old will need more attention! Include your eleven-year old in the care of your daughter as much as you can. Perhaps at dinner time he can fix her sippy cup or cut up her hot dog in bite-size pieces. Maybe he can show her how to build a tower with her blocks and drive a toy car through the tunnel while you are dusting the living room. If you tell him that you "need" his help and build your comfort level by being in a position where you can supervise, then you will build both of your confidence levels in him to assist.

Additionally, there needs to be some time, even if it is only an hour or two once a week, where you can spend time ALONE with your son. It can be after your three-year old goes to bed or maybe grandma will take your daughter on a Saturday afternoon. Watch a show that he enjoys and ask him what he likes about it. Really listen to what he is telling you. Take him to the park and be a kid again by swinging on the swings and climbing the jungle gym. Who cares what the other parents - or kids - think? For that time, be "his" alone.

It is very hard and it takes strategic planning, but it can be done. And all three of you will happier for it!

Over the past 26 years, I raised 3 kids alone. I had a good support system to help me. Throughout that time, I experienced many, many ups and downs. More than once, I thought I couldn't deal with any more, yet I did. This past spring my youngest graduated highschool and will be moving to the college dorms, 100 miles away, in about a month. Had I been asked the hardest part of being a single parent before my youngest turned 18, I'd have been able to give many answers, but today I can give one definite answer. The hardest part of being a single parent is admitting your children are grown and your job is done! No matter how tough it gets at the time, cherish every minute you have a single parent. It will be over before you know it!

Despite the fact that your youngest will be heading 100 miles away to college, I can almost guarantee you that you will be needed...and for more than just money. It may feel like they are all grown up and I agree that it is scary, especially the part where we, as parents, wonder what our role is now. But there is no doubt in my mind that they will continue, probably even increase, the amount of questions they ask and advice they request in the future. We cannot protect them the way we used to when they were younger, but we can still influence. Your time as a parent is not done yet! (((Hugs)))

For me so far it has been being on duty all the time. My daughter doesn't see her Father at all, his choice. So I am the only one responsible. There have been times when I wish I could have time to repair all on my own. There have been times when I have been sick and only had my daughter to help me. Those are very hard times for me. Thankfully there have not been too many of them. I imagine though how much easier it would be if I had someone to lean on.

As your daughter meets and passes each milestone, remember her success is directly related to the fact YOU were on duty all the time. It's all worth it in the end. If her father is capable of walking away, he's done both of you a favor by doing it sooner rather than later. You are a strong mother. Look at how much you have already overcome.

I raised 3 children by my self, and a grandson. threw the good, the bad, and the ugly times. all single parents need a pat on the back. and i would do it all over agin (single)

I totally agree, she is not missing anything where he is concerned, except alot of heart break, he did us a favor really.

I will never forget one time when my daughter was little. She took her diaper off and smeared poop all over her room, she dismantled her bed, sprayed baby powder all over, I had the baby moniter on but was taking a nap and didn't hear anything. We were both asleep or so I thought. I remember sitting on the couch after I had gotten her out of the room and cleaned her up, that if her Father had been in the house, I would have presented him with his daughter and a tour of the room and walked out for the rest of the day. I just sat on the couch and cried, I was so overwhelmed.

Of course then I had to clean up her room. I found a way to keep her from taking off her diaper, I used a tape gun and put the packing tape on the top of the diaper, over the tabs and made it meet in the back. Once my daughter learned how to get out of the crib, I had to make alot of changes, not the least of which was getting rid of the crib and getting her into a toddler bed.

Luckily the times I feel overwhelmed now don't involve feces on the wall, bed, carpet etc. anymore.

I can relate to the poopy business. I can tell you from my experience, there will come a day when you laugh about even those days. What I see from your description of the event, you must have handled it in a positive manner despite wishing you didn't have to. Had he been there, it quite possibly could have turned out negatively for your daughter. Who knows? I'm afraid to say though, as you go thru the teens there may come a day you wish it was poop you were facing. Regardless, enjoy your journey. It passes faster than it seems!

The hardest thing for me is trying not to panic, not be too forceful, and to always be uplifting.

Currently, I have one. But if they symptoms are correct, that may change...