BellaOnline Forums Family Single Parents Toughest Aspect of Single Parenting

Thank you very much Cynthia! It is difficult to get someone to watch her. My sister already takes care of her during the week while I work and I don't like to ask her to watch her too much more than that due to the fact she already has her all week. She will watch her and my roomate's small son on occasion when we (roomate and I) go to wal-mart. It's funny but I've gotten to the point where I look forward to our wal-mart trips because I can almost get myself re-grouped and it's nice to wander the aisles without a whiney child on my hip because she hates being in her seat. I love my daughter so very much. She's finally getting to the age where she will actually play with you. We played peek-a-boo with my jacket sleeve last night, it was amazing to watch her hide her eyes behind my sleeve then peek out to hear me say "peek-a-boo"! and for her to smile and go back behind my sleeve. Thank you for the church group idea; I'll have to look into that, it sounds like it could be fun, and relaxing!!

My toughest part is my 15 yr. old daughter has delayed onset of PTSD and ODD and she is so hard headed that I cannot do a thing with her. All I hear is she knows everything and all my rules are either stupid or dumb. She sees 3 different therapists 3 to 4 days a week and so far she does not show any sign of it helping.

Dear aspoiled,

(BTW I was musicalmom before I became an editor) My son is the one who has Aperger's, so I know a little of what you are goin through with the ODD - once upon a time he was diagnosed with that (mistakenly) before they settled on the Asperger's, because some of the characteristics are shared.

I wonder if seeing 3 therapists might be part of the problem, though? Michael sees a psychaitrist who also does his counseling because it is too easy to get differing theories and methods of therapy going if you use more than one therapist. In the same vein, I suffer from clinical depression and use a psychaitrist and a counselor, but my psychiatrist has stated that he prefers not to get involved in the actual counseling (preferring to do the medications and just checking on my progress with my counselor) because he doesn't want to have interracting therapies.

You might dsicuss this with the psychiatrist/physician who is in charge of your daughter's case and see what he/she recommends. The old adage "too many cooks spoil the soup" can be very true when dealing with the complicated brain (especially one that is going through puberty!) <img src="/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck! <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

I'm a single mom to a now 24-yr-old son, who is currently away at college. He doesn't have plans to move back to this city once he graduates next spring, so one of the harder things I had to deal with was coming to the realization that he is now an adult, and I won't be seeing him very much any more. His dad and I separated roughly 3 months before Stephen was born, and he is my only child, so we pretty much grew up together (I was 24 when I had him, but still had a lot of growing up of my own to do). We've been very close from the moment he came into this world, and I consider my son to be one of my closest soulmates.

However, I would have to say that the hardest thing I had to deal with as a single parent was dealing with the repercussions of his dad's absence on him. Stephen saw his father every so often while he was growing up, but his dad very often simply wasn't in his life. His dad was supposed to take him every weekend, but more often than not didn't show up at all. He never bothered with Stephen's birthdays (aside from one or two when he was very small), rarely acknowledged him on the holidays, and because of his lack of presence in Stephen's life, Stephen wound up with a tremendous lack of faith in himself. Bob (Stephen's dad) also went on to adopt a baby when Stephen was around 5 or 6, causing even further damage. All of Bob's actions (and more specifically, non-actions, or acts of rejection) inadvertently caused Stephen to believe he wasn't worthy of his father's love, which - as he got older - began to translate into the belief that he wasn't worthy of any love. And because of this, he turned his pain inward and began carrying around an enormous amount of self-hatred. I didn't come to realize this until Stephen was well into his teens, and the issues were so deeply embedded in his psych� that he still struggles with it today.

Bob passed away almost 2 months ago, and Stephen was finally forced to face all of the anger and pain toward his father that he'd been silently holding inside. Thankfully, he did communicate with his dad in the week before his death, and a lot of the anger was at last put to rest. But the other issues - those of anger toward his own self - are still there. It's been a long struggle, and I think there is nothing more painful to a parent than to see their child dealing with self-torture. Through it all I've learned a lot about both of us, and Stephen and I have become even closer....but it's been enormously hard at times, trying to get him to see just how wonderful and loving a soul he is, and teaching him how to finally rid himself of the inner turmoil.

So for me, seeing my son fighting all of the emotional demons he has been carrying around for all of these years has by far been the toughest aspect of being a single parent.

For me, the hardest part of being a single parent is having zero back up when I need it most. My dad and step-mom live an hour away, but both are in delicate job situations and are absolutely unavailable Monday-to-Friday. Kiara's dad and his parents also live an hour away, but all are also in delicate job situations and are unavailable weekdays. My boyfriend is working full-time and going to school full-time and while he tries to help whenever he can, he really doesn't have that option. I am at a point in my life where it is critical that I do well in school and work, and I get really stressed out when my daughter gets sick and her daycare won't take her, because I have no choice but to cancel all my meetings... At first I dealt with it okay, but tomorrow I have to cancel my third major meeting in a row because she is sick again. The ironic thing is she rarely gets sick; it just always happens at the worst possible time.

So far the hardest part for me, is being able to be there for both of them. My son is nearly 11 and my daughter is 3. My daughter tends to get more attention because she is younger and needs more. Being that it is just me I just don't seem to have enough time in the day and then feel guilty that my son is sometimes left out. I haven't figured out the proper balance yet. Any suggestions?

I think the hardest part is having full responsibility for them turning out to be decent young men, I have 2 boysa aged 9 and 14 and im finding the 14 year old a bot of a hanfull at the moment he is so imature in many ways but thinks he is a man and I need to know when to step back and not treat him like a child.

But lately its like we constantly argue. My ex (their dad) will go against everything I believe in just to get at me and he does it through them for eg if I tell them something is wrong hel tell them no its not. so its hard

Shakira -

Hang in there, hon! I understand where you are coming from when it comes to the other parent over-riding or going against everything you establish as the rules. It can be unbelievably frustrating. Will he talk with you at all (in a civilized manner)? If so, let him know that it is confusing for the boys when there are two different sets of rules that conflict drastically. You will not always agree on everything - and the small things really don't matter - but the major issues should be a united front, even though you don't live together. You are still parenting together. See if he will discuss the issues with you and try to work out a compromise that puts you both on common ground. If he just will not do this, then you are going to have to explain to your children that you don't agree with all of Daddy's rules and, unfortunately, there will be different rules in your separate houses. Explain to them the reasons for your rules, in as simple of terms as possible, and if they don't get that then just tell them that you have these rules because you love them.

As for the idea of raising boys without a man in the house, please see my review of the book, Raising Boys without Men. It is in the Book Review section of the Single Parents' site. It is an excellent book from two standpoints: 1) It is very inspiring and encouraging to single moms because it lets us know that we are not messing up our boys by raising them alone and 2) it allows us a fascinating look at the experiences of other single moms. I wish that I was closer so that I could loan you my copy. I loved it! I was very impressed with the methods these mom's used and the results they obtained with their sons. It was inspiring!

Being a mom is never easy, but we have to cultivate a support system that is, in essence, our cheering section for when we begin to feel like we are overwhelmed. Please feel free to vent in our Forum. I am sure there will always be someone around to give you encouragement!

You are a strong woman - probably stronger than you realize. One day your sons are going to realize how important you are to them. Until that day, know that you are their source of strength and a wealth of knowledge to them.

Precious HH-

It is very hard to balance the time between your children because they always have different needs based on age, interests, issues, etc. Of course, your three year old will need more attention! Include your eleven-year old in the care of your daughter as much as you can. Perhaps at dinner time he can fix her sippy cup or cut up her hot dog in bite-size pieces. Maybe he can show her how to build a tower with her blocks and drive a toy car through the tunnel while you are dusting the living room. If you tell him that you "need" his help and build your comfort level by being in a position where you can supervise, then you will build both of your confidence levels in him to assist.

Additionally, there needs to be some time, even if it is only an hour or two once a week, where you can spend time ALONE with your son. It can be after your three-year old goes to bed or maybe grandma will take your daughter on a Saturday afternoon. Watch a show that he enjoys and ask him what he likes about it. Really listen to what he is telling you. Take him to the park and be a kid again by swinging on the swings and climbing the jungle gym. Who cares what the other parents - or kids - think? For that time, be "his" alone.

It is very hard and it takes strategic planning, but it can be done. And all three of you will happier for it!

Over the past 26 years, I raised 3 kids alone. I had a good support system to help me. Throughout that time, I experienced many, many ups and downs. More than once, I thought I couldn't deal with any more, yet I did. This past spring my youngest graduated highschool and will be moving to the college dorms, 100 miles away, in about a month. Had I been asked the hardest part of being a single parent before my youngest turned 18, I'd have been able to give many answers, but today I can give one definite answer. The hardest part of being a single parent is admitting your children are grown and your job is done! No matter how tough it gets at the time, cherish every minute you have a single parent. It will be over before you know it!