BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Miscarriage What does the world need to know about miscarriage?

I lost my baby last month in the 8th week. This is my second miscarriage in 18 months. What people need to know about miscarriage is that it is the death of your child...no matter what stage of pregnancy that you're in. People expect you just to get over it. They have no idea how intense the pain is. There are no words to describe the depth of the pain of losing your precious baby. No one would dare tell a parent that lost their child due to illness or an accident, "to just have another baby and everything will be okay". That would be ludicrous wouldn�t it?? But that�s what people expect us to do. I want the world to know that having another baby (if you're able to) doesn't replace the one(s) that you lost!!!

Most people think that the best thing to do right after a miscarriage is to dive right into finding out what the problem is and how to fix it. And that is a logical reaction to some degree. My best friend who I love dearly started immediately talking about making appointments to see specialists and constantly saying that this doesn't mean you won't have a baby, when all the while I was grieving. I wasn't interested in doctors or finding out a solution to the problem right then...that time will come. When you first find out that you are no longer pregnant, you�re overwhelmed with pain�and fixing the problem is not feasible immediately. The reason I say that is because the first thing you have to do is process and accept the fact that you are not going to have this baby. It's unimaginable at first. Your baby is gone...dead. You can�t possibly focus on fixing the problem when you have lost your baby. Your little precious one. The one that you talked to every morning when you woke up and prayed for every night before you went to bed is gone. How can you fix that? <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We had a sonogram last week that showed a very slow growing fetus--this week they explained that we had lost the baby. They were 100% sure. I'm still in shock, and the people that I have told do not know what to say/tell me. I tell them that that is OK. People need to know that sometimes it is OK to feel at a loss for words--that is why we hug each other! I feel the speechless support of my Mother and best friend over the phone lines, and I feel better than if they had tried to comfort me with some lame, "there will be others!" remark. I feel anger and loss, and those emotions cannot be placated. I think as Americans we are conditioned to console and impart words of wisdom--this only makes the person who doesn't know how to deal with another's grief feel better. Grief is uncomfortable! Deal with it in silent support rather than with some hackneyed line about how to deal.

I agree that the photo of the baby on this sight is hurtful and unappropriate. The moderator needs to take it off. I have had 3 miscarriages. They were each different as they say every pregnancy is different. But all hurtful.. mentally, physically & spiritually. What the world needs to know about miscarriage has already been said by several woman, but I will reiterate the point. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage either say nothing (best option) or simply 'sorry' (second best option) anything out side of these two options becomes mentally painful and challenging on how to respond. Once you have a miscarriage you can't go back to being the nieve, happy pregnant women. You now become guarded, cautious, angry that you know too much, angry that you're doctors know too little and somewhat paranoid...looking for signs that your current pregnancy will end and trying to 'fix' the problem so you won't miscarry again. The world is calus. Not only are the comments from people hurtful but what I found even more irritating (& tried to avoid by not telling anyone of my pregnancies) was the look of pity. And the last thing the world needs to know about miscarriages is if you've recently had one...Don't for any reason show, talk about friends, sisters, your own children. It comes off hurtful and condescending. I had a co-worker (the only person I told I was pregnant) and she & I were planning a baby shower for another co-worker. On the week of the baby shower I had a miscarriage. I would get physically sick thinking of having to be in the same room w/ someone oohing & ahwing over little baby outfits. So I told the women who was throwing the party with me that would she mind if I didn't go...her response still floors me too this day. She said it was only a miscarriage why don't you want to come. This hits home w/ if you haven't gone through a miscarriage you just don't know the depth of pain it can cause.

I agree that the photo of the baby on this sight is hurtful and unappropriate. The moderator needs to take it off. I have had 3 miscarriages. They were each different as they say every pregnancy is different. But all hurtful.. mentally, physically & spiritually. What the world needs to know about miscarriage has already been said by several woman, but I will reiterate the point. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage either say nothing (best option) or simply 'sorry' (second best option) anything out side of these two options becomes mentally painful and challenging on how to respond. Once you have a miscarriage you can't go back to being the nieve, happy pregnant women. You now become guarded, cautious, angry that you know too much, angry that you're doctors know too little and somewhat paranoid...looking for signs that your current pregnancy will end and trying to 'fix' the problem so you won't miscarry again. The world is calus. Not only are the comments from people hurtful but what I found even more irritating (& tried to avoid by not telling anyone of my pregnancies) was the look of pity. And the last thing the world needs to know about miscarriages is if you've recently had one...Don't for any reason show, talk about friends, sisters, your own children. It comes off hurtful and condescending. I had a co-worker (the only person I told I was pregnant) and she & I were planning a baby shower for another co-worker. On the week of the baby shower I had a miscarriage. I would get physically sick thinking of having to be in the same room w/ someone oohing & ahwing over little baby outfits. So I told the women who was throwing the party with me that would she mind if I didn't go...her response still floors me too this day. She said it was only a miscarriage why don't you want to come. This hits home w/ if you haven't gone through a miscarriage you just don't know the depth of pain it can cause.

I have had 2 miscarriages in the past year. The first one everyone in my family and friends sent flowers and called to make sure I was ok. The second one, my mom and sister called. My cousin came over to spend the weekend with my husband and I (and to help with our son who is 2), she was no help at all and told me I was being a real bit*h all weekend. Two weeks later my husband and my cousin sat me down and told me I just needed to get over it. (!!!) I want people to know the second one hurts MORE than the first. I know many other women have had miscarriages, I'm going through it now and need help. I cannot just get over it or forget. I know personally I need more support and love now than after the first one. No one wants to talk about it, I need to talk. A part of me died with those babies, a part I will never get back. I'm terrified to try again, I don't think I can handle it. Avoiding the subject or me does no one any good.

The world needs to know that this is a time in a woman and even a man's life where they really need their friends. I think a lot of people do not know how to react when their peers are hurting. So they just ignore the situation. I know that a lot of people even avoid their friends when they do not know what to say. One of the most important things is be there for your hurting friend. Allow them to grieve. Do not tell them there is always a second chance. Do not try to tell them what to do next time, like it was their fault. The list goes on and on. So anyone out their hurting from a miscarriage I send them a great big hug!=) Cause I know how much I have needed it.

I am 23, and this is my first pregnancy. I went to the ER on Saturday night because I was having some bleeding and after tests the ER Doctor diagnosed 8 1/2 week fetal demise. Unlike some of the women who have written here, my small town is blessed with a wonderful, kind, caring ER staff. They were all so sad right with my husband and I, so that was good. The ER doc said I needed to see my regular doctor as soon as his office opened again, but to return to the ER if I was worried or scared in the mean time. He told me he would be there all week and I could call and ask him any questions. He was very kind, and very sad for us. I was cramping but okay over the rest of the weekend and spoke to my doctor's office first thing on Monday morning. The nurse told me that they didn't routinely schedule D&Cs because they felt it was better, if my body was able, to go through expelling the birth matter on my own. She told me to take ibuprofen and to go to the emergency room if I got worried or the pain was too much. She said I would have bad cramping and heavy bleeding with clotting. She stressed that I shouldn't try to tough it out, I should go for help if I needed it. I was crampy all that day and felt like I was going through the major emotional and mental trial of the experience. I needed to NOT be alone then, that was very important. I felt like that day I traveled through the dark night of my soul, looked into the abyss and stepped back. I couldn't have done that day by myself, I wanted to die, I could've easily killed myself. So the first thing I would want to tell the world is that women going through miscarriage may need supervision and someone to scream at and with until that part of the trial subsides a little. Tuesday morning was when the physical part of my trial began. I awoke with terrible pain, it was so bad that I couldn't walk to the car with my husband to drive to the hospital, I couldn't be touched, and I knew that I couldn't deal with an EMT crew coming into the house and taking me to the hospital. For this part of the trial I felt I needed to be home and I needed to be left alone, at least until the ibuprofen kicked in. Before the medicine started to work it took every part of my being to focus on getting through the pain. It was the worst pain I have ever, ever gone through. I didn't know that my body could withstand that kind of stress. After the medicine started working, I called my husband back and told him he could sit with me now and help. The drugs took the edge off so I could think, but it was still really painful. I talked to the nurse again that morning and told her what was happening. She said to alternate the ibuprofen with tylenol to help more with the pain, that did help some. I told her my plan was to stay put at home unless the pain got really bad again and that if it did I would go to the ER. She said that would be okay and assured me that if I went to the ER they would give me stronger pain medicine. So the rest of that morning I went through the miscarriage and it is now one day later and I'm still having bleeding, but I feel like the worst is over, I feel like I'll probably just keep bleeding for a week or two more gradually. They did blood work today and my hormone levels are down, but not low enough. I'll see the doc tomorrow to make a game plan. He thinks my body will probably finish doing this by itself, but if it doesn't they'll do surgery then. They're watching me to make sure I don't get anemic. I'm taking my pre-natal vitamins and eating lots of fresh spinach my uncle grew to keep that from happening. So far so good. So that's what's been involved in the earthly part of this experience for me. People should understand what an enourmous experience this is, it's not something casual you just forget and move on from, it does change you. Now I want to share with you the spiritual aspect of this process as it applies to me. I can FEEL the spirit of my baby, I could from very early on in the pregnancy. She hasn't left me. I can feel that she's a girl and that she is doing her best to help me through this. She is mine and always will be. I believe that some spirits only need a short experience on earth, they are so special and strong that they don't have to go through the trials that we do to grow, they can just have a body, however small, for a small moment and then move on in their existence, staying an eternal part of their families. With that said, my baby is not one of those. I feel very strongly that she is still coming to earth, to my family. She's not done with her earthly experience yet. So I have joy that in that feeling, that I know she's coming, just later. She is very strong. She is my bright star, my sister, my strength. When I finally hold her in my arms, I will know when it's her, not another spirit. I can't explain how I know, I just KNOW. I hope that all of you are able to feel the presence of your lost ones in a quiet moment, because they are not lost, they will be yours forever and ever. If they never return to earth to be a part of your family in this life, you will hold them after you die. They are yours, your bright ones. Thank you for sharing your feelings in this forum, you have helped me feel not so alone. I am grateful for my family and my husband, he's been my rock. He's grieving too and doesn't feel our baby like I do, but he knows that I can sense her and he said that makes him happy and hopeful. The world needs to understand also that when a woman loses a pregnancy, everyone who loves her grieves also. This would've been my in-law's first grandchild. My aunts were waiting and waiting for me to get pregnant. My whole family and my true friends are all grieving too. They all need to feel that sorrow. At least we're together, and at least I can feel her near me.
Love to you all,
Juni

I miscarried 2 weeks ago and that was my 1st pregnancy. As I have posted my situation in the forum under "Miscarriage in 19 weeks pregnancy", I really feel so guilty because I couldn't hold my stress and I'm partly to blame. I still couldn't accept how come miscarriage will still happen even at 19th weeks preganancy. I can't face anyone who knows that I was pregnant before. I even dare not answer any phone call from all my friends. I'm so afraid to tell people that I'm miscarriage. I'm so afarid that I would cry whenever people ask about my pregnancy. I cry everytime when I think about my baby. I really looking forward to conceive again.

The world needs to understand.
WE DON'T WANT YOUR
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT",
"YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER ONE AT YOUR AGE",
"I'VE BEEN THERE YOU'LL GET OVER IT",
"OH, THAT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE BUT GIVE IT TIME",
"THE DOCTOR KNOWS WHAT TO DO AND DID WHAT WAS NEEDED"

.....just SHUT UP!...

Your words will never ease the pain. And if you are tired of hearing about the pain then I also say
SHUT UP!!!!!...
offering false sympathy will only make matters worse.

LET US GRIEVE!!!! All the explanations in the world will never bring our children back. I know all that I want when the pain comes over me is a HUG....a big long sincere HUG that I can cry into........that's all.

Missing Catherine

Thank you for the poem. And you are right we will never forget.

Missing Catherine