What does the world need to know about miscarriage?

Here's the topic where you can post your thoughts. I'm collecting your vents and rants to create an ebook on what the world needs to understand about miscarriage. The proceeds will go to charity, and the project just might help the world understand how you're feeling. Post here, or email your thoughts to [email]miscarriage@bellaonline.com.[/email] Vent away.

It's simple! The world needs to understand that a miscarriage is all about losing a life - no matter how far the development of the baby. The dissapointment, the pain, and the emptyness of a lost life can tramatise you forever. My first miscarriage at 6 weeks in 1989, my second at 14 weeks in 1996 all buried deep within my heart forever, but never ever to be forgotten. The world needs to be understanding and sympathetic for the poor mother will always be grieving/remembering on the inside no matter how many living children she has. God bless everyone who has had to endure this suffering!

At 25 years of age I found out that I had miscarried not through the sonographist doing the ultrasound, but on being wheeled back to the ward by the Nurse who yelled out for all to hear "tell Mrs to get ready for a D&C." It hit home when lying on my bed was a cap and gown for me to go change into. My last miscarriage really freaked me out and I think that I only came to terms with it when my daughter was born 6 months ago.

I saw this question, and was absolutely stunned to see someone actually asking us to vent...by 'us', I mean, women who have endured miscarriage.
My first miscarriage was Sept of 03, at 7 weeks. My second miscarriage was May 12th, at 18 weeks, and May 15th, at 18 weeks. (twins)
The world should know that miscarriage does not just occur and cause upheaval in a woman/couple/family's life for a month, or a short time. Loosing a baby is a pain that lasts. It has been nearly 7 months since my last miscarriage, and I am STILL gripped quite often by the fact that my children are dead. Many things provoke the grief to a bereaved mom....something as small as getting a period, or seeing a baby outfit to larger things like holidays, due dates, baby dedications or baby baptisms at church. Insensitive remarks, made without care or concern hurt just as much as people not saying anything at all. Although, sometimes not saying anything at all is better than saying something that causes pain. Things like, "you're young, you'll have more" or "you seem to be handling it well" or "be at peace, your baby is in heaven", or "I know what you are going through" (when the person has no clue about what has happened, and has never been in the situation you are in) etc, etc, etc...are all comments that sting the heart.
When talking to grieving mothers, choose your words wisely. Don't send baby outfits or blankets their way. Don't send them a birthday cake mix in a box, and tell them to celebrate the birthday to help them grieve. Don't expect a mom who has recently miscarried to come to your baby shower. And, don't just leave the moms to grieve in silence, alone....especially the first year after the loss.
There is my rant. Venting all of that felt good. Thanks. :rolling:

People have to understand that it is a very sensitive time in someone's life and it is not something to be taken lightly. Even if you are not outwardly showing your pain to the world, you are still hurting in private. A friend, (who has had a miscarriage herself) told me that she "had a really bad feeling about my pregnancy" 2 days after I miscarried and had a D&C. Some people obviously do not think before they speak, and that can turn out to be very hurtful and insensitive.

I'm a writer and working on my 6th book - this one will be about miscarriage. I've thought of publishing it as an e-book because the publishing world is really against hearing other points of views about miscarriage. Such as alternative treatments, expressions of anger in addition to grief, the sometimes insensitive medical community. There are a lot of powerful women's miscarriage blogs online - I link to many from my Babyfruit blog at http://babyfruit.typepad.com/baby. There is always a need for more resources on this topic. I've found it to be quite taboo among women (and doctors) until it happens to you. If you'd like to share your personal experience with miscarriage for my book, check out details at http://www.firstthreemonths.com/. I've had publishers tell me "there are enough books about infertility" (they don't realize miscarriage is so different from infertility) and "no women want to read about miscarriage - they just want to get on with having their baby." Yikes!

Hi my name is Tameika and i am 18. About 2 monthes ago i got married and on my honeymoon i discovered i was pregnant. It was the best week of my life, but at 6 weeks of pregnancy i went for an ultrasound and they told me the babys heartrate was too slow and i might loose it. I was resceduled for an ultrasound in 2 weeks. It was a horrible 2 weeks, i was trying to be positive whilst people where saying well if the baby doesnt make it... after two weeks we discovered the baby was indeed dead. i had a d&c. i went into denial then sadness and anger. my friends where sorry for me but a week later they acted like things were back to normal and now i only have my husband for support. it has been almost a month and i never realised miscarriage can hurt this bad. i feel hollow inside, and i miss that comforting presence. People tend to say the worst things possible, like dont worry u will have another, or u were too young and too poor anyway. its very tough losing a baby, it is alive to u nothing can replace it. venting like this feels good though, not everybody wants to hear about it and i think thats what makes it hard. God bless to everybody out there learning to cope after this, your not alone

The world needs to understand that women need to have time to mourn the loss of their child, no matter how far along they are. When you in your 1st trimester and you have a
miscarriage people seem to think a women should not be so upset so hurt by the loss. A miscarriage is the loss of a life and the loss of the sweet dream of becoming a parent.
I've lost 3 babies and the insensitive things people tend to say is amazing. I've had doctors and loved ones say things to me that just made me feel worse.

The world needs to know that miscarriage changes a woman forever. Once you've suffered a miscarriage you life will never be the same. Everyone wants you to get back to your "old self." It's not gonna happen. It changes the way you look at life. It changes the way you interract with your loved ones. It affects the relationship with your partner. It can affect your self esteem, your confidence, your sense of well-being. It makes you feel vunerable and sometimes, just down right unstable. A life was lost and, it needs to be aknowledged. The loss of an unborn baby deserves the same mouring and grieving period allowed for any other loss. This was not just some tissue or just an immature fetus, this was a thriving young human being. A human being who got cheated out of it's life. The world needs to know that we as parents got cheated as well. We never had the chance to hear our babies cry, see them smile,or see their first steps. The world needs to know that our hearts break when people don't understand why we are in so much pain, when our grief is not aknowledged, our grief is very real. I would like the world to stop discounting my grief. Stop minimizing my feelings, even though the world had not yet been introduced to my babies, my babies were very real and alive to me.

my b/f has had 2 miscarriages. she thinks about it all the time. youll never forget even after its been awhile. prayers 2 u.

I think one thing that may be helpful is to mark the m/c in some way that is meaningful to the mother and partner. I am experiencing my first m/c after thinking for years (15+) that I couldn't get pregnant. I am devastated to say the least. My boyfriend and I are planning a "good-bye" ceremony to tell this baby (all four weeks of it) how loved it is and how excited we were to discover it was on its way and to mark the loss of it. I can't imagine being able to move forward without doing this.

I think the TERMONOLOGY needs a radical change.
Miscarriage is a medical term. It is used interchangably with abortion by medical staff, nursing staff, and text books in training.
Pregnancy to a woman is about expecting a baby even from day one, and even if one psychologically or biologically understands the process of fetel development the loss is intertwined with a more intense and LONG TERM sense of loss. Because of this it appears to me to be more than the normal bereavement process.
The medical and nursing faternity need to be targeted into recognising this fact. Although they have reference to it in training it tends to get lost in the day to day acute care giving environments.
There are only a few good quality iniatives in the UK. EG One where all women who have miscarried are invited to a weekly therapy group facillitated by psychology and mental health professionals.
This may still only touch the surface for the women concerned, and even if societal views change the fundomental sense of loss will still exist in the mother's heart and soul forever.

No words can describe these feelings. To lose your baby(no matter how small) is to lose a peice of your heart. This is the second time for me. 1 loss, 1 healthy, 1 loss. There are so many feelings and thoughts.

Doctors and medical staff- some are very good- some are not.
This issue is first and foremost an emotional one. There is so much emphasis on explaining all the proceedure etc, the statistics on it, all the physical, which lets face it if you have been pregnant or have tried chances are you have read so much about everything you can find that to hear more about what, where and how these things happen can just about drive you insane.

The question we want answered is why. This is one that deep down you know there is no answer but you keep asking it over and over in your head. You blame everything else and yourself even though you know you shouldn't.

I was sent home to let my body "throw" the baby. I was told I would abort it naturally, while my 2 yr old daughter was with me. I was told it must not have meant to be. And you are lucky you have one. All these comments stick.

I have lived through loss with no other child and now loss with my daughter by my side. And they both hurt, in different but simular ways.
For me it is a loss of a person, created out of love. Our little person that had a place, that had a time set aside in our future, a foreseeable future that is just taken.

So what the world needs to know is, it is not a fetus or embryo or viable or gestation sac. It is your baby, and it is gone and the pain is real.

I miscarried 4 weeks ago. It's hurtful to see the picture of the baby on this forum. This topic is about miscarriage, why would I want to see a picture of something I no longer have? I'm happy you finally got your baby, but I just think that was insensitive.

Getting the standard statistics, "well, it happens to lots of women" and "1 in 4 women miscarry" didn't make me feel any better. When I was sitting in the waiting room to have a D&C, there were more than 10 women in that room, so why was I the only one going through it? Sure there are lots of people who have went through this, but at the time, I didn't want to be the only one it was happening to. I wasn't totally alone, I had my husband, but he didn't really understand what I was feeling. He was hurt and disappointed, but his body wasn't going through it. Tom Petty said it best when he said "you don't know how it feels to be me". If you've never had a miscarriage, then my advice to you would be to just keep your mouth shut. Anything other than "I'm sorry" is probably going to come off wrong. Coworkers with 6 month old babies were bringing them into work when they didn't have to. Talk about hurtful. Others were saying things like "well, it's been a week, you should be better now". My boss, decided to tell his clients what happened. (People who I don't know, nor would I share personal stuff with.) Only he'd say "well, she was pregnant (then roll his eyes) and then she lost the 'fetus'. When I found out he was saying that I litterly threw up. It just made my ordeal not sound important, and describing it as a fetus, even though technically it is, sounded like he was describing a thing, not a baby. Imagine how hard it was to answer the phone at work only to have another person that you don't know ask you about it and try to offer condolences when they have NO IDEA what you're going through. There was a client in particular who called daily just to ask if I had lost the baby yet. When I told him yes, thinking he'd stop calling, he'd call to ask if I was feeling better yet. What I really wanted to say was, no I feel like [censored], I cry myself to sleep every night, and all the happiness, joy, and anticipation I had one day, was taken away from me the next - but thanks for reminding me that I have failed! Miscarriage stinks! No one can say anything to make you feel better. I only hope that I never forget how this feels, so if I know someone who is going through it, I'll remember what NOT to say or do.

After I lost my last child, the only really sympathetic person was my boss. He was great. He gave me unlimited time off. He told me to grieve. He held my hand in his office and cried with me. Not my husband who had his own grief. Not my family who "couldn't relate", not my friends who didn't know what to say. My Boss.

The world needs to know how to respond. It is a death. My child died. I was sad.

The worst response was from my mother who told me, "You didn't really want another baby anyway, did you?" I remeber just looking at this woman who gave birth to me and realizing for the first time that I didn't know her at all and that she didn't know me.

I still think about that child. I still miss him. I cherish the children I do have more because of this loss. I can't have any more children so it's even sadder for me. That was my last pregnancy.

I just read your post Jenna and I am so sorry to you and to all the other women on here and else where.
It is such a sad thing that is hardly talked about unless it happens, then women come from everywhere about their experiences. Sometimes their comments can be the most insensitive. I just had a woman say "it must not have been meant to be and she looked at it, if she hadn't of lost hers she wouldn't have the kids she has". That is true in a way, I too wouldn't have my daughter but I wouldn't have known about her I would have had the other baby. Like one of the last posts said, we need to remember how this feels so that in the future we can help others and not say the wrong thing.

I am lucky in the sense I can try again it is one small consolation though at the moment even the thought of it makes me feel guilty.

I do not talk to my mother for various reasons , but she said to my sister when it happened to her "well it was a blessing in disguise". Just because she was young.

1 in 4 or 5 preganancies is a common occurrance, maybe there should be a bit more research into this, if it was cancer or smoking issues or any other tragedy they would.
I would like to have more answers, especially after it happens more than once, for me it is 2 in 3. I am excited and terrified to fall again. If it occurs I don't want to know until it's nearly born.

I envy other women who just have children so easy, some aren't even trying or want it or don't know whom the father is. It hurts. I know someone who has a 3 yr old and she don't know between 3 men. Has just had another(that she wasn't trying for). Life is so bitter sweet.

I suppose I'm in the angry phase of grieving at the moment, so I do apologise if I have offended anyone. I just wish there was some way to feel better about it. All I can do is get myself distracted but it creeps back in. You fight with your guy or anyone else, because they have just got on with life and are over it, but I am just stuck here. To let go is to say goodbye and I don't want to because I want my baby back. I still count the week anniversaries. I know I need to completely move on but it is so hard.

My miscarriage occured 13 years ago. I don't think anyone has to get over it. It's a loss. My grandmother died almost 18 years ago and I still miss her.

I don't hold anyone else to my standard of still remembering or having a silent memorial in my soul. I allow them to move on in their own way.

Moving on for me had to do with the other children I already had. But I think our lives move at their own pace. You'll eventually feel less guilty and angry over fate, but you don't ever have to let go or say goodbye. Youc an picture your baby in the Lord's arms as He gently rocks your baby to sleep. He's keeping her for you. A special surprise for you when you join them.

As for why miscarriage happens...no one knows...I think I'll add that to my list of things to ask God when I get there. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had 3 miscarriages last year. I'm 25 healthy & 'normal' according to the doctor, but what im sick of is people telling me that ive still got plenty of time. Its happened for a good reason etc etc.Im sure everyone here has heard it all, so what was the reason? To make me feel like a useless woman or make me cry when a friend announces shes pregnant, no. Sorry I know it sounds like im having a whinge but 99% of people who say these things have not had a miscarriage so they dont know how we feel! I just want people to realise that they may mean good but some things hurt!!

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you....
and to love you.
You came to trust me with yor life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truely unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of life too quickly,
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

by Susan Erling.

This was in a miscarriage pamphlete I got after my first loss. It helped me in a small way. Hope it helps you too.
My heart goes out to you all. We will never forget, even though everyone else does. [color:"blue"] [/color]

I remember (when I was about 13 or so) my grandfather telling me about a miscarriage my grandmother had. She was far enough along that they could tell he was a boy and his eyes still lit up thinking of their child and what he could have been.

I have a feeling he was a unique man for his time. I always thought grampa was the best man in the world and when I saw how much he could love a baby he never got to know it warmed my heart even more.

I lost my baby last month in the 8th week. This is my second miscarriage in 18 months. What people need to know about miscarriage is that it is the death of your child...no matter what stage of pregnancy that you're in. People expect you just to get over it. They have no idea how intense the pain is. There are no words to describe the depth of the pain of losing your precious baby. No one would dare tell a parent that lost their child due to illness or an accident, "to just have another baby and everything will be okay". That would be ludicrous wouldnï¿½t it?? But thatï¿½s what people expect us to do. I want the world to know that having another baby (if you're able to) doesn't replace the one(s) that you lost!!!

Most people think that the best thing to do right after a miscarriage is to dive right into finding out what the problem is and how to fix it. And that is a logical reaction to some degree. My best friend who I love dearly started immediately talking about making appointments to see specialists and constantly saying that this doesn't mean you won't have a baby, when all the while I was grieving. I wasn't interested in doctors or finding out a solution to the problem right then...that time will come. When you first find out that you are no longer pregnant, youï¿½re overwhelmed with painï¿½and fixing the problem is not feasible immediately. The reason I say that is because the first thing you have to do is process and accept the fact that you are not going to have this baby. It's unimaginable at first. Your baby is gone...dead. You canï¿½t possibly focus on fixing the problem when you have lost your baby. Your little precious one. The one that you talked to every morning when you woke up and prayed for every night before you went to bed is gone. How can you fix that? <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We had a sonogram last week that showed a very slow growing fetus--this week they explained that we had lost the baby. They were 100% sure. I'm still in shock, and the people that I have told do not know what to say/tell me. I tell them that that is OK. People need to know that sometimes it is OK to feel at a loss for words--that is why we hug each other! I feel the speechless support of my Mother and best friend over the phone lines, and I feel better than if they had tried to comfort me with some lame, "there will be others!" remark. I feel anger and loss, and those emotions cannot be placated. I think as Americans we are conditioned to console and impart words of wisdom--this only makes the person who doesn't know how to deal with another's grief feel better. Grief is uncomfortable! Deal with it in silent support rather than with some hackneyed line about how to deal.

I agree that the photo of the baby on this sight is hurtful and unappropriate. The moderator needs to take it off. I have had 3 miscarriages. They were each different as they say every pregnancy is different. But all hurtful.. mentally, physically & spiritually. What the world needs to know about miscarriage has already been said by several woman, but I will reiterate the point. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage either say nothing (best option) or simply 'sorry' (second best option) anything out side of these two options becomes mentally painful and challenging on how to respond. Once you have a miscarriage you can't go back to being the nieve, happy pregnant women. You now become guarded, cautious, angry that you know too much, angry that you're doctors know too little and somewhat paranoid...looking for signs that your current pregnancy will end and trying to 'fix' the problem so you won't miscarry again. The world is calus. Not only are the comments from people hurtful but what I found even more irritating (& tried to avoid by not telling anyone of my pregnancies) was the look of pity. And the last thing the world needs to know about miscarriages is if you've recently had one...Don't for any reason show, talk about friends, sisters, your own children. It comes off hurtful and condescending. I had a co-worker (the only person I told I was pregnant) and she & I were planning a baby shower for another co-worker. On the week of the baby shower I had a miscarriage. I would get physically sick thinking of having to be in the same room w/ someone oohing & ahwing over little baby outfits. So I told the women who was throwing the party with me that would she mind if I didn't go...her response still floors me too this day. She said it was only a miscarriage why don't you want to come. This hits home w/ if you haven't gone through a miscarriage you just don't know the depth of pain it can cause.

I have had 2 miscarriages in the past year. The first one everyone in my family and friends sent flowers and called to make sure I was ok. The second one, my mom and sister called. My cousin came over to spend the weekend with my husband and I (and to help with our son who is 2), she was no help at all and told me I was being a real bit*h all weekend. Two weeks later my husband and my cousin sat me down and told me I just needed to get over it. (!!!) I want people to know the second one hurts MORE than the first. I know many other women have had miscarriages, I'm going through it now and need help. I cannot just get over it or forget. I know personally I need more support and love now than after the first one. No one wants to talk about it, I need to talk. A part of me died with those babies, a part I will never get back. I'm terrified to try again, I don't think I can handle it. Avoiding the subject or me does no one any good.

The world needs to know that this is a time in a woman and even a man's life where they really need their friends. I think a lot of people do not know how to react when their peers are hurting. So they just ignore the situation. I know that a lot of people even avoid their friends when they do not know what to say. One of the most important things is be there for your hurting friend. Allow them to grieve. Do not tell them there is always a second chance. Do not try to tell them what to do next time, like it was their fault. The list goes on and on. So anyone out their hurting from a miscarriage I send them a great big hug!=) Cause I know how much I have needed it.

I am 23, and this is my first pregnancy. I went to the ER on Saturday night because I was having some bleeding and after tests the ER Doctor diagnosed 8 1/2 week fetal demise. Unlike some of the women who have written here, my small town is blessed with a wonderful, kind, caring ER staff. They were all so sad right with my husband and I, so that was good. The ER doc said I needed to see my regular doctor as soon as his office opened again, but to return to the ER if I was worried or scared in the mean time. He told me he would be there all week and I could call and ask him any questions. He was very kind, and very sad for us. I was cramping but okay over the rest of the weekend and spoke to my doctor's office first thing on Monday morning. The nurse told me that they didn't routinely schedule D&Cs because they felt it was better, if my body was able, to go through expelling the birth matter on my own. She told me to take ibuprofen and to go to the emergency room if I got worried or the pain was too much. She said I would have bad cramping and heavy bleeding with clotting. She stressed that I shouldn't try to tough it out, I should go for help if I needed it. I was crampy all that day and felt like I was going through the major emotional and mental trial of the experience. I needed to NOT be alone then, that was very important. I felt like that day I traveled through the dark night of my soul, looked into the abyss and stepped back. I couldn't have done that day by myself, I wanted to die, I could've easily killed myself. So the first thing I would want to tell the world is that women going through miscarriage may need supervision and someone to scream at and with until that part of the trial subsides a little. Tuesday morning was when the physical part of my trial began. I awoke with terrible pain, it was so bad that I couldn't walk to the car with my husband to drive to the hospital, I couldn't be touched, and I knew that I couldn't deal with an EMT crew coming into the house and taking me to the hospital. For this part of the trial I felt I needed to be home and I needed to be left alone, at least until the ibuprofen kicked in. Before the medicine started to work it took every part of my being to focus on getting through the pain. It was the worst pain I have ever, ever gone through. I didn't know that my body could withstand that kind of stress. After the medicine started working, I called my husband back and told him he could sit with me now and help. The drugs took the edge off so I could think, but it was still really painful. I talked to the nurse again that morning and told her what was happening. She said to alternate the ibuprofen with tylenol to help more with the pain, that did help some. I told her my plan was to stay put at home unless the pain got really bad again and that if it did I would go to the ER. She said that would be okay and assured me that if I went to the ER they would give me stronger pain medicine. So the rest of that morning I went through the miscarriage and it is now one day later and I'm still having bleeding, but I feel like the worst is over, I feel like I'll probably just keep bleeding for a week or two more gradually. They did blood work today and my hormone levels are down, but not low enough. I'll see the doc tomorrow to make a game plan. He thinks my body will probably finish doing this by itself, but if it doesn't they'll do surgery then. They're watching me to make sure I don't get anemic. I'm taking my pre-natal vitamins and eating lots of fresh spinach my uncle grew to keep that from happening. So far so good. So that's what's been involved in the earthly part of this experience for me. People should understand what an enourmous experience this is, it's not something casual you just forget and move on from, it does change you. Now I want to share with you the spiritual aspect of this process as it applies to me. I can FEEL the spirit of my baby, I could from very early on in the pregnancy. She hasn't left me. I can feel that she's a girl and that she is doing her best to help me through this. She is mine and always will be. I believe that some spirits only need a short experience on earth, they are so special and strong that they don't have to go through the trials that we do to grow, they can just have a body, however small, for a small moment and then move on in their existence, staying an eternal part of their families. With that said, my baby is not one of those. I feel very strongly that she is still coming to earth, to my family. She's not done with her earthly experience yet. So I have joy that in that feeling, that I know she's coming, just later. She is very strong. She is my bright star, my sister, my strength. When I finally hold her in my arms, I will know when it's her, not another spirit. I can't explain how I know, I just KNOW. I hope that all of you are able to feel the presence of your lost ones in a quiet moment, because they are not lost, they will be yours forever and ever. If they never return to earth to be a part of your family in this life, you will hold them after you die. They are yours, your bright ones. Thank you for sharing your feelings in this forum, you have helped me feel not so alone. I am grateful for my family and my husband, he's been my rock. He's grieving too and doesn't feel our baby like I do, but he knows that I can sense her and he said that makes him happy and hopeful. The world needs to understand also that when a woman loses a pregnancy, everyone who loves her grieves also. This would've been my in-law's first grandchild. My aunts were waiting and waiting for me to get pregnant. My whole family and my true friends are all grieving too. They all need to feel that sorrow. At least we're together, and at least I can feel her near me.
Love to you all,
Juni

I miscarried 2 weeks ago and that was my 1st pregnancy. As I have posted my situation in the forum under "Miscarriage in 19 weeks pregnancy", I really feel so guilty because I couldn't hold my stress and I'm partly to blame. I still couldn't accept how come miscarriage will still happen even at 19th weeks preganancy. I can't face anyone who knows that I was pregnant before. I even dare not answer any phone call from all my friends. I'm so afraid to tell people that I'm miscarriage. I'm so afarid that I would cry whenever people ask about my pregnancy. I cry everytime when I think about my baby. I really looking forward to conceive again.

The world needs to understand.
WE DON'T WANT YOUR
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT",
"YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER ONE AT YOUR AGE",
"I'VE BEEN THERE YOU'LL GET OVER IT",
"OH, THAT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE BUT GIVE IT TIME",
"THE DOCTOR KNOWS WHAT TO DO AND DID WHAT WAS NEEDED"

.....just SHUT UP!...

Your words will never ease the pain. And if you are tired of hearing about the pain then I also say
SHUT UP!!!!!...
offering false sympathy will only make matters worse.

LET US GRIEVE!!!! All the explanations in the world will never bring our children back. I know all that I want when the pain comes over me is a HUG....a big long sincere HUG that I can cry into........that's all.

Missing Catherine

Thank you for the poem. And you are right we will never forget.

Missing Catherine

I think the most frustration I heard after my miscarriage a week ago when I was 10 weeks and had gotten back from a cruise was from my OBGYN financial dept. The girl was telling me that I did not suffer a financial loss....and was arguing with me about it. And when I asked her if she had any children she said no and that she didn't have to disclose her medical history to me.

The other one was talking to my health insurance CS and them trying to explain to me that my ER visit was not considered an accident...that this miscarriage was somehow meant to be.

Oh my God!! What kind of an insensitive clod would tell a woman that her miscarriage was"meant to be"? Don't get me wrong, she's entitled to her opinion, but there's a time and a place and that certainly wasn't either.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been trying to have a child for about 2 years on and off and i'm about to have some tests done to see what the holdup is.
May the healing powers of the universe always be with you.There are some more caring practioners out there,don't let her ill-timed comments sway you from getting better care elsewhere.

peace and love, always

I think something the world needs to know about miscarriage is that just because (if) a woman manages to have another child later on, it doesn't mean she automatically forgets about the baby she lost before! Even after the other child is born. The lost child is always with her - wondering about lost birthdays, lost Christmases - that he'd be the big brother of the one that is here, etc.

Everyone else seems to forget about "the other one". <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The world needs to know that miscarriage is a hard thing to "get over." I do not understand how you can get over losing a kid. I was a month along. I told friends that I thought I was pregnant. The guy I was with totally ignored me and treated me like [censored] when I told him I was. A month later after the stressful times and worry I had a miscarriage and just blocked it out. Then my friend had an abortion and I was devistated. I talked to her about what happened. I didn't even go to the doctors and she told me that yes I did have a miscarriage. I was so upset. The world needs to relaize that miscarriage is so hard to get over. Months later and I am still suffering over the loss of my baby. People should not expect you to just move on. You lost your flesh and blood. People need to be a little more understanding and talk about it more. I am so glad I found this site cause I was struggling with it all alone, or so I thought. Thank you for this!!! I am glad to have people to talk to about my pain!!

Dr.Seuss once said "a person is a person no matter how small."

You never forget, you never stop wondering what could have been and you never quite know how to answer the question of how many children do you have?

Jonathan [09-11-1990] Missed baby @ 20 weeks Molar pregnancy
Jacob [10-22-1992] Born still @ 38 weeks Cord Strangulation
Rachal [12-09-1993] Earth Angel currently 12 years old
Evan [02-05-1998] Earth Angel currently 8 years old

i've been tru 2 miscarriages in 3 mnths. And my mom has been more worried about her in laws and my husband told just to get over it. I can recall the exact time that i miscarried and the night. And that was about 3 weeks ago and i was about 7-8 weeks preggo and the one befor ethat was 6 weeks and the back in 2001 was about 6 weeks almost 7. In 2001 my aunt(shes had 3 healthy girls and no miscarriges) told me you can have another and im like i dont want another i want that one. and on my third the dr told me well at least she is up in heaven with god. My thught was i dont wnat her up there i wnat her with me. So i guess you can say i've been oing thru this in secret, bc my husband dont wanna talk baout it. So im suffering alone
with no help from no one. What the world needs to know tis that women whose had a miscarriage just need a hug and a willing ear and shoulder to listen and a cry on.

In my Mother's house there are many
Rooms.
Brain and womb
Heart-my tomb. It rains
Cells in bundles-rearranged
In meaning no more
No less than skin or nails
Complex in form and
Animation.
Tiny daughter. My soul's salvation.

Know you were not cast aside
I did not conjure-or abide
With carelessness-how you could
Hide! Could I but know
Your peace. My soul-at last
Would rest-released.

Three times I failed, though
Did not try, and each cost me
Some pieces more. I pray that
You embrace the sky and live
On moonglow-evermore.

I have miscarried three times. I never wanted to get pregnant, yet each is a loss I cannot describe (this may be hard to hear when you have desperately wanted to conceive-but I must be honest). I worte this last week, after miscarrying at 9 weeks. There's no way to explain how we feel, is there? It's such a mystery of magic and life. I am a biochemist by training, so I tend to think in terms of cells and molecules, but no training prepares us for the greatest mystery of all-to create life and loose it. My love is with you all-and I pray for those of you who seek to have children, that you are gifted with them. There is a small blessing for me in having been pregnant though- for while I lost lives, I saw-however briefly-into the unknown.
Nicole K.

Let me first say I am very sorry for your losses. My opinion may not matter much, because I myself haver never had a miscarriage but my daughter just lost her first baby on the 27th, and I have been reading these forums to find a way to help her cope. I am truly shocked at the things people say to my daughter as well as reading the postings here. Ignorance seems abundant. I am devastated hurt and angry. I went to both sonos where we were told everything is GREAT baby was dancing around. within three weeks that precious life was gone. I cant get the visuals out of my head, so I can only imagine the horror my daughter endures. As for what the world needs to know about miscarriages is that the medical world needs to catch up. They are all about fertility, they can tell which embryo on a petre dish will have a problem, but cant tell my daughter or any other woman why they miscarried. The standard reason doesnt make sense. I truly find it disturbing that Doctors see this so much they call it a norm, and say no one knows. Well I think its about time someone figured it out. I wish they would all get on the same page as to when its ok to try again she gets a diff opinion from each doctor, she is anxious to try yet scared to death at the same time.

(((((((HUGE HUG))))) sorry for your loss but even more sorry that those people closest to you are not able or willing to walk with you through the stages of grief..

I am not even a week after mine but if one more person says well you can at least get pregnant and you can do this again.. it makes me so mad.. yeah I can get pregnant which we didn't think would ever happen.. but having another one isn't going to replace this one.. I am diabetic and if one more person blames that was the reason I am going to flip out.. all of my drs said that.. my diabetes did not cause this I am in great controll it just all hurts so very bad.. sometimes I wish people would just shut up if they have no idea what they are saying..