Hey Skinnycow - the problems in your marriage have alot to do with many issues - as im sure you're aware. It stems from the affair - the money - the kids - the house - the drinking - the abuse...counselling could help - but if you're both not willing to 'change' then it's a moot point. Abuse of any kind is intolerable -i truly believe that mental abuse is worse than hitting. You self-esteem and self-worth is tested constantly - and even if you're 'getting along' now - there will be another hill to climb -and it will start all over.
I was married for 12 years to a man who did both - mental and physical - started out with a bit of pushing - nasty words etc. - he blamed me - said i got in his face - kicked me - punched me - (i lost a child) etc. I stayed because i thought he could change and for the kids (who were little at the time and i didn't think it affected them) - Guess what? They're 21, 18 and 15 now - and it affected them. They remember me crying in the bathroom - they remember their father being mean to me - they remember him not coming home and talking to me nasty. And they're boys - so it was even harder for me i thought because i didn't want them to become abusers.
We were in the same situation as you - credit card bills - money issues - i had a house-a car - a good job - a nice life - or so i thought. We had the honeymoon periods just like you're describing - he would stay in - pay more attention etc....then it would change. For 6 months he carried on an affair with a woman i knew nothing about (maybe because i was going to school-working and taking care of 3 kids). I didn't want to believe it - until my best friend (who was his friend too) called me and said there was something i should see. We went to a bar he went to after baseball - and lo and behold - there he was with his 'new' girlfriend. Anyways - long story short - we sold the house-consolidated all debt - and went our separate ways. It wasn't easy - i lost everything - my credit - everything - it's taken me 8 years to correct it-to start over.
No house or 'things' can replace your self esteem. The kids have always said the happiest they ever were - was when we moved into our new home - had no furniture - really no money - and just us. We didn't have a tv etc. We had so much fun.
Not to say it hasn't been without issues. My ex is an [censored]....he constantly plays game with the kids -pitting them against me - threatens me - (ive had him arrested)-he's lost his license to DUI etc. He is working on his 5th girlfriend (the woman he left me for - she charged him with assault). I have met and married again (5 years) and we've worked 'together' to buy a house - and build our life together.
It's not easy - and it hasn't been easy in my new relationship. I brought ALOT of baggage with me. Things i would absolutely NOT put up with - and we have tried to stick with that. We have sometime resorted to 'name calling' and it hurts. The key is to tell someone exactly what you need from a relationship - if they're willing to give it - then you are on the same page - if they're not - what kind of life will you have? Be honest with yourself -and most of all for your kids. Trust me - they will thank you for it!
