Dear members of this community,

This is my first post here. My wife is 100% sure about having kids, but I am enduring an intense inner struggle about that path. I need your help, please, in the role of kind listeners and thoughtful advisors.

During the courtship and engagement period before marriage, I was "on the fence" about raising children. She clearly communicated to me that she was certain about wanting them. This led to months of careful deliberation on my part, and ultimately I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and that children would just have to be part of that package.

However, over the years, my responsibilities and stress have grown and my free time has diminished. I find myself contemplating a most shameful thought: what if I made a giant mistake?

We would be a great parenting team. We communicate pretty well, and that is improving with time. We have discussed in significant detail how we would handle various issues that would come up raising kids. I think that we both have rational, balanced expectations about both the pro's and con's of becoming parents.

Despite that I think we would be skilled at parenting, I am increasingly questioning my willigness to make this committment.
As my free time is dwindling down to nearly nothing, I predict that the added responsibilities of "Dad" will drive me to insanity.

My wife is aware that my stance on parenthood has changed over time, and it scares her. It certainly scares me.

Without giving away our exact age, I will say that my wife is in the ballpark of the 3-decade milestone, so she has a few years, but not much more than that, before the odds of healthy conception drop to uncomfortable levels.

In spite of my committment to her, I wonder if we would both be ultimately happier on separate journeys. Would she be happier with a different man who is more committed to fatherhood? Would I be happier if I opted for no kids and the accompanying [formidable] challenge of finding a woman with similar views?

I see 3 options before us:
1) Stay married, have kids.
2) Stay married, no kids.
3) Part ways.

All 3 of these have WIN/LOSE tradeoffs. Moreover, the LOSE consequences are substantial in each case. Option 2 seems the worst: she has indicated that she would ultimately stay with me if I became adamently opposed to parenthood, but it would break her heart and there would be years of probable resentment from her as well as a sense of lack of fulfillment in her. I would probably hate myself for doing that to her.

Option 1 seems like the best course, ethically. It means standing behind our promises to each other in spite of personal sacrifices. It would probably bring me less happiness than option 3, but even that is hard to predict. Our friendship is so close that I can't imagine losing it. Yet, resentment would probably boil within me, and I would have to address it.

Option 3 would bring shame and guilt, and even worse: probable loneliness. I would probably date off and on for years, not expecting to find a "new wife" who supports the No Kids philosophy while still holding a candle to all the wonderful qualities of my current wife. Yet, in spite of greater solitude, I think I would probably be slightly happier overall for other reasons (e.g. having some breathing room / tremendously less stress, freedom, financial options, etc.).

Option 3 also puts her in a pickle, because if she wanted to find a "new husband" (not something you can just pick up at the Mc Donalds drive through window) to father her children, she would be pressed for time (she would be in the mode of "must find replacement husband within a couple years"). She would probably feel rushed. She could end up finding a great guy who would also be more committed to fatherhood than me; on the other hand, the short fuse may lead her to give up on marriage / parenthood altogether or to latch onto a father for her children who wouldn't be a great husband. Thus, it is difficult to predict whether her life would be ultimately better or worse if we parted ways.

I am embarrassed to share these thoughts. Yet, I am torn between the A) mental nausea which floods my spirit when I consider how parenthood would change my life, versus B) the sinking realization that there are no other "good options." Thus, I feel trapped.

Please help. It would be especially supportive if anyone else is now or has previously experienced a similar struggle, but I would appreciate other points of view as well.

PS: there isn't a good "compromise" option that I can see (e.g.#1: I would enjoy pets, but she doesn't want them; e.g. #2: choosing to have a fewer number of kids isn't a desirable option [if we have any, we both want to have 2]; e.g. #3: being a fun aunt isn't enough for her).

Thank you in advance for your support,
Confused_Husband