I am 23, and this is my first pregnancy. I went to the ER on Saturday night because I was having some bleeding and after tests the ER Doctor diagnosed 8 1/2 week fetal demise. Unlike some of the women who have written here, my small town is blessed with a wonderful, kind, caring ER staff. They were all so sad right with my husband and I, so that was good. The ER doc said I needed to see my regular doctor as soon as his office opened again, but to return to the ER if I was worried or scared in the mean time. He told me he would be there all week and I could call and ask him any questions. He was very kind, and very sad for us. I was cramping but okay over the rest of the weekend and spoke to my doctor's office first thing on Monday morning. The nurse told me that they didn't routinely schedule D&Cs because they felt it was better, if my body was able, to go through expelling the birth matter on my own. She told me to take ibuprofen and to go to the emergency room if I got worried or the pain was too much. She said I would have bad cramping and heavy bleeding with clotting. She stressed that I shouldn't try to tough it out, I should go for help if I needed it. I was crampy all that day and felt like I was going through the major emotional and mental trial of the experience. I needed to NOT be alone then, that was very important. I felt like that day I traveled through the dark night of my soul, looked into the abyss and stepped back. I couldn't have done that day by myself, I wanted to die, I could've easily killed myself. So the first thing I would want to tell the world is that women going through miscarriage may need supervision and someone to scream at and with until that part of the trial subsides a little. Tuesday morning was when the physical part of my trial began. I awoke with terrible pain, it was so bad that I couldn't walk to the car with my husband to drive to the hospital, I couldn't be touched, and I knew that I couldn't deal with an EMT crew coming into the house and taking me to the hospital. For this part of the trial I felt I needed to be home and I needed to be left alone, at least until the ibuprofen kicked in. Before the medicine started to work it took every part of my being to focus on getting through the pain. It was the worst pain I have ever, ever gone through. I didn't know that my body could withstand that kind of stress. After the medicine started working, I called my husband back and told him he could sit with me now and help. The drugs took the edge off so I could think, but it was still really painful. I talked to the nurse again that morning and told her what was happening. She said to alternate the ibuprofen with tylenol to help more with the pain, that did help some. I told her my plan was to stay put at home unless the pain got really bad again and that if it did I would go to the ER. She said that would be okay and assured me that if I went to the ER they would give me stronger pain medicine. So the rest of that morning I went through the miscarriage and it is now one day later and I'm still having bleeding, but I feel like the worst is over, I feel like I'll probably just keep bleeding for a week or two more gradually. They did blood work today and my hormone levels are down, but not low enough. I'll see the doc tomorrow to make a game plan. He thinks my body will probably finish doing this by itself, but if it doesn't they'll do surgery then. They're watching me to make sure I don't get anemic. I'm taking my pre-natal vitamins and eating lots of fresh spinach my uncle grew to keep that from happening. So far so good. So that's what's been involved in the earthly part of this experience for me. People should understand what an enourmous experience this is, it's not something casual you just forget and move on from, it does change you. Now I want to share with you the spiritual aspect of this process as it applies to me. I can FEEL the spirit of my baby, I could from very early on in the pregnancy. She hasn't left me. I can feel that she's a girl and that she is doing her best to help me through this. She is mine and always will be. I believe that some spirits only need a short experience on earth, they are so special and strong that they don't have to go through the trials that we do to grow, they can just have a body, however small, for a small moment and then move on in their existence, staying an eternal part of their families. With that said, my baby is not one of those. I feel very strongly that she is still coming to earth, to my family. She's not done with her earthly experience yet. So I have joy that in that feeling, that I know she's coming, just later. She is very strong. She is my bright star, my sister, my strength. When I finally hold her in my arms, I will know when it's her, not another spirit. I can't explain how I know, I just KNOW. I hope that all of you are able to feel the presence of your lost ones in a quiet moment, because they are not lost, they will be yours forever and ever. If they never return to earth to be a part of your family in this life, you will hold them after you die. They are yours, your bright ones. Thank you for sharing your feelings in this forum, you have helped me feel not so alone. I am grateful for my family and my husband, he's been my rock. He's grieving too and doesn't feel our baby like I do, but he knows that I can sense her and he said that makes him happy and hopeful. The world needs to understand also that when a woman loses a pregnancy, everyone who loves her grieves also. This would've been my in-law's first grandchild. My aunts were waiting and waiting for me to get pregnant. My whole family and my true friends are all grieving too. They all need to feel that sorrow. At least we're together, and at least I can feel her near me.
Love to you all,
Juni
