Today my husband told me he needed a break from me and the kids. We have been together for 18 years. We have two daughters ages 11 and 15. He has decided the best thing for him to do is move out for a while. He didn't say when nor did he give an amount of time of how long this break should be. He said the kids are getting on his nerves and we aren't compatable anymore. I'm confused on what to think or do. How do I explain this to the children? How after 18 years do you all of a sudden think you aren't compatable? I am wondering if this is his way of asking for a divorce but don't want to actually say it till he leaves. I don't have anybody I could actually talk to. All my friends are mainly from work. I can't talk to them since he works at the same place I do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Leigh A

It seems as if he has decided that he wants to stop being a parent or husband. How old is he? Has your marriage been mostly happy or unhappy? Is he feeling like life is passing him by?
People do crazy things when their kids are in their teens. It is almost as if they want to be as "free" as they deem their children are.
One last thing: do you think there is soemone else? These are hard questions but they have to be answered.
My good thoughts are with you.You'll find good advice in this forum

Ah, I am so sorry. You have a right to get mad you know. This is utterly unfair of him. These are his children, too, and to say they are "getting on his nerves" so he's going to move out is just chicken and bailing.

Of course teenagers get on your nerves! They have fifty thousand new hormones running through their bodies. They are slightly insane. <img src="/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

First and foremost, protect yourslef and your children. See an attorney. When your husband moves out, change all the locks, separate bank accounts, and do not let him have access to your money. Make sure there is some kind of an agreement in writing that he will support his children.

Midlife crisis or no, he has responsibilities, and needs to live up to them.

I never want to see a marriage end. I'm not telling you to file for divorce immediatly, but you do need some hard advice to protect yourslef, because this is going to be a very hard time emotionally.

if you can get him to a counselor- then do it, take the whole family in fact. The kids are old enough that they are going to definitely be affected.

I don't normally sound this negative, but I just don't have much respect for a man that has given the kind of excuses that your husband has given you. It can be worked out, but the problems need to be uncovered first, and it does sound as if someone else is involved.

My prayers are with you, and come here to rant anytime.

He turned 40 this month. I had thought we had mainly a happy marriage over the years. Of course, we have had our ups and downs but have been able to work through them in the past.

He might think life is passing him by but he hasn't really said anything about it to me.

The kids are in the stage where they like to argue with each other. The oldest also thinks she is old enough to do as she please which has been a battle with us. She isn't a bad child and does well in school. Normally he spends alot of time with them taking them when he goes places, fishing, go-cart riding, four wheeler riding, mall, movies, etc. We also go out to eat every Tuesday night.

I realized today that I am the first to say "I love you", the one that touches his arm, gives a kiss, and the one that initiates sex. He use to do those things but it stopped long ago.

When he told me he needed a break that was the first question that popped in my mind. I really don't think he is seeing anybody at this time. I'm not saying it isn't his plan when he leaves I just don't think it has happened yet. Where we work there is 14 workers including the bosses. We work together in an open space so we see each other constantly. We do have a few new workers. They are younger and I feel he flirts with them. That has caused some insecurities with me. When we aren't together he is with the kids. I just can't see how he can be with someone else when he isn't alone long enough. I guess there could be a way but I haven't figured it out yet.

I really appreciate you advice Kristen.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Hi Bella. Thanks for your post. As I posted in the above post he usually enjoys being with his kids. He usually comes up with something to do with them. It's really going to hurt them since they are so use to spending so much time with him. Them getting on his nerves is really confusing to me. Actually all of this is confusing to me.

I will protect myself. When the time comes I will see a lawyer. Luckly there is one in the family that handle divorces. I haven't contacted him yet. I hate getting family involved till it's necessary.

I can understand it is going to be a hard time emotionally. He hasn't left yet and I feel like I am walking on needles. He hasn't talked a whole lot to me since earlier today but he kinda acts like he never said anything.

I have actually thought about trying to find a counselor. I have never been to one before but feel it couldn't hurt. Especially since the kids will be involved in this.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Leigh,
Marriage is the hardest relationship in the world because we have two adults in a situation where money, sex, love, and childcare all come together.

It is very cruel, what he has said to you. You have to think, would you be better off with or without him? Be honest with yourself.
Take it from me, stress can impact your health for a very long time so if he is going to "moody" and make your life very unpleasant, he must leave.

I wonder how he would feel if you said to him what he said to you?

Keep writing to us.

I talked to him again last night and found out a few details. I have two older children from a previous marriage. We don't really hear from them unless they need something. Sometimes those two or sweet as can be as some times they are really cruel if they don't get their way. So it's a combination of all the kids and me. He said for years it's been so much bickering in the family he can't take it anymore. It's to the point if any of us calls him on the phone or say we need to talk he feels like his insides are knotting up.

He told me he doesn't really want to go but he just has to get away for awhile. He buys homes and rents them out. He told me that he was in the process of trying to buy a trailer. He is thinking about staying in it while he fixes it up.

I told him people don't run off without trying to work things out. I told him he shouldn't leave things bottled up and should of told me long ago. In his way he feels he has been letting us know. I had no idea. If there was signs I missed them. I tried to tell him we should get together with all the kids and have a talk. He is willing to go with the kids and me to a counselor.

Regardless of anything I said he is still wanting to leave. He told me he couldn't see any other way that he needs some peace and quiet. He told me he just wants some time. He said he couldn't give a time limit but he thought 30 days.

He has never mentally or physically abused me. He is a calm person and doesn't like to yell. He is the type that usually talks things out with people. He spends alot of time with the kids and me. He doesn't really have alot of friends because he doesn't go to the bars, etc. He normally has one drink a few times a week but said he has been drinking more to calm his nerves. Is he lashing out since he must of been letting things bottle up inside. Should I give him this time away without batting an eye or should I call it quits?

Your advice is so helpful. I think I would be going crazy without somebody to talk to.

Thanks,
Leigh

Im just throwing an opinion out there I am
a 25 yr old mom of 3 and I have convienced my self that I am more of a so-called man than most men including my husband and I need a break all the time but the mom in me says that giving up is too easy and that if my children are going to have stability then it has to be me so assume the worst and go on w/o him because if some one with as little time at this as I have had in married life it has tought me one thing men are kids also and it is our job to raise them to so if thats what he thinks then let him go he really isnt there any way

I am very encouraged by the fact that he is willing to go to counseling!

If he is a very quiet man, and is used to bottling things up, then maybe he is telling the truth. It may be easier for him to withdraw from the situation than deal with it. i know dealing with my clinical depression I get this way - and he sounds very similar.

I still feel as an adult and father he needs to make the concious decision to stay, though. But going to counseling is a first step. And if it keeps him from having a nervous breakdown or bolting completely; then moving out might not be a totally bad thing after all.

Good Luck!

I talked to a counselor today that I know. She isn't a marriage counselor. She counsels children. This lady told me if he was determine to have some time away then let him take it. She told me to tell him that even though I don't want him to go that I love him enough to give him some time to himself. She said if I didn't give him some space or tried to stop him he would feel threatened and leave without trying to work things out at all.

She also feels he is under alot of stress most likely not just at home but at work too. He has been working more than usual since one of the other managers has been sick. I just found out the other manager will probably be gone for another week or two which means he will not be getting any days off. He works this job, has a server hosting company and buys/rent real estate.

She said the fact that he is willing to see a couselor means he still cares. I will be calling around Monday to find one.

Does this seem logical to you?

Thanks,
Leigh

Actually, yes. It was what I was trying to say in my other post (just worded a lot better!)

Like I said, I suffer from depression, I'm not saying your husband suffers from this - but being under tremendous amounts of stress can cause similar "symptoms"

I know on my "black days" I just can't handle people - even my kids. I have learned through therapy to set the emotions aside and use reasoning to talk with them and say "Its a really bad day guys, I need some space and quiet. I may be quick to lose my temper, so tell me if I'm snapping at you."

But, it's taken a year of therapy to get to that place.

The fact that he is willing to go to counsleing shows that he is wanting to try and work this out. Most men balk at the first mention of the "C" word! So I am not so inclined to think he's having an affair after all, because I don't think he'd be willing for counseling then either - he'd be in denial. (I was left for another woman, so I tend to be suspicious of that - sorry.)

Things actually do not sound quite as bleak as when i read your first post. It will still be a lot of work - but I think y'all will be able to do it. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

Leigh,

If you want him to stay, then I'd like to add a few things, as I have dealt with my husband acting like he was SO FED UP that he could leave, many times over the last 26 years. Honestly, there are times that everyone gets tired of the situation, tired of the kids, tired with all the screaming and fussing that goes on when you have children. Talking through issues can help your marriage survive and help you realize what needs to be done to make peace and quiet. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolling.gif" alt="" />

If the kids are always fighting (and you are probably in the middle), then he may well be just "fed up" with all the "loud discourse" between ya'll. My husband gets like that sometimes when my son (19) and I start at it, and he tells me that "he is really getting sick and tired of us acting like "children" and putting him in the middle". If this the problem, you need to work together to make the atmosphere quieter and be more loving. Kids can cause so many disruptions that we forget sometimes how we sound. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Talk about the future and make plans together, smiling and being kind like you were when you were his girlfriend, BK (before kids). Don't let the older 2 kids cause conflict in your marriage. If they have problems, love them but don't enable them to come into your home and cause stress. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Fix yourself up and make a date to use the weekend (or night without the kids) to reacquaint yourselves with what is important ... you. Make him want to be there for you and your children by making his life seem valuable to you and your marriage. Men like to be "stroked" and will usually give it back to us if they feel worthy and valuable. They don't often realize that women feel the same way, but we have learned to do it all while kinda being aloof or unaware that the status quo is not enough for a man. <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Many couples think that a marriage can be sustained because of the "legal" paper and that the other stuff is less important, once children come. That is just the middle of life, watching our children grow up. If we cultivate our relationship with the person that we married, I believe that we can succeed with the person of our first choice (or second or third choice) and be best friends through the end of life. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Too many people forget to work at the romance. It is so sad to see an elderly person who is alone because they did not figure out to make concessions, give and take, and keep their marriage alive and exciting. Love, like beautiful flowers (and a relationship) can die without proper upkeep, nurturing and necessary ingredients to keep them healthy. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

Women are very smart and can manipulate (gently & lovingly) a marriage to work, if they want it. Get him to talk about anything...his hobbies, sports, his accomplishments, whatever you feel like starting, to get him interested in talking. Look at him and tell him little things that you remember from why you fell in love with him. Gently get close and talk quietly, like you are the "new girl" in town. <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Be his new "girlfriend". It is fun to be friends, play games, find excitement with each other, and laugh. If you want your marriage to work, then work at it. See if that is part of the problem; see if he feels forgotten and is just tired of all the bickering; see if you can add spice to each others life. <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

I wish you the best, Leigh, just remember that women are from Venus (we love LOVE, cuddling, talking) but men are from Mars (they are hard wired differently than us). If you want your marriage to work, good luck with all your efforts. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

God bless you and keep us posted.

Trish

Saturday night I was online looking for sites about Midlife Crisis. I came onto a site that had the exact things he had been saying. I pm'ed him the link. I expected once he realized what it was he wouldn't read it but he did. He told me that sounded alot like him. He asked me how long this feeling lasts. I told him I didn't know. I assumed it is different with each person.

Sunday I gave him a card that had an olive on front and inside it had "Olive you". I wrote on the inside that I justed wanted him to know I am here for him. Sunday night we talked a little more. He told me most of the time he feels mad at me even though I haven't done anything. He said he knows it sounds stupid but he doesn't know what to do. Luckily he isn't taking it out on me when he feels that way. I mean that he isn't yelling at me, etc. He also told me he feels like withdrawing. He said it is worse when he wakes up. He doesn't want anybody to touch hime. He gets this feeling he has to get out of the house so he leaves. He said it gets better as the day goes on and by night he doesn't have a withdraw feeling. He thinks it's because everybody is going to bed and no disagreements with the kids or me is going to happen.

He has brought up again about needing a break. I have told him that I love him but if he feels he needs to take a break I understood. He kinda kept on about the subject so I asked him when did he plan on leaving. I didn't really want to ask it but I hate being in the dark. He told me has went to look at a few places but when it came down to paying the depostit he would back out. He said he just doesn't know what to do.

He thinks depression is just for people that are sad. Is constantly feeling anger/mad a sign of depression too?

Today he surprised me and gave me a hug. I'm not sure what is going to happen but at least he is starting to open up a little bit more. I still feel like I am walking on egg shells though.

Leigh

Leigh,

Men often express depression with anger, frustration and withdrawal instead of sadness. Maybe it's because they see sadness as a sign of weakness or something?

He should see his doctor. Many times, in addition to the "mid-life" thing, it is a very real biological situation.

He is still here. The last two days he hasn't seem to flee as bad in the mornings. I know the issues aren't resolved. The only time he talks is when I bring up the subject. I didn't bring it up at all yesterday. I still feel like he is withdrawing and it is getting to me. When I eat I feel like I am going to be sick and I feel nervous all the time.

I was married before and the marriage lasted a few years. It was a rough divorce. He wanted out but when it came to the divorce it took four years. He is in the military and he kept having it put off or my lawyer's couldn't always locate him. We have two kids that I raised on my own till I remarried.

My husband use to own his own company when we met and worked out of state all the time. I was alone a good bit of six to seven years of the beginning of our relationship. Sometimes he was gone a month at a time. I raised all four kids and I know how hard it is to do it on your own. I don't want to do it again. Emotionally I don't think I can do it again. I guess I feel too old to do it again.

What I am getting at is when my husband first brought all this up he asked which one of us is moving out. Then he said it would be best if it was him because he needed a break from all of us. He usually gets along better with our two kids and spends more time with them. Would it be wrong if I decide to take the break? I just feel like a nervous wreak right now. If he left I know I will live but I just don't think I could cope with it by the way I am feeling right now. I wouldn't completely run out on my children. I could still see them daily. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Leigh

Yes - anger is a close cousin to sadness. Depression is anger turned in on oneself.

I know on the days when my depression is "deepest" I withdraw from everyone, but if I am forced to interract with people - I tend to have a very short fuse and little patience. My children especially can set me off, even thought I know it is not logical.

Have his sleeping or eating habits change in any way? more or less? Does he have headaches or migraines that he didn't before? The not wanting to be touched is another thing I can relate to when I am having one of my bad days. Whereas, when I am just normally "sad" or something bad has happened, I would welcome a hug or my husband holding me. A decreased interest in sex is another sign of depression.

The more I read, the more I wonder if this is not at least part of the problem. I wouldn't say it is the whole problem, but it can definitely exacerbate things!

On our main site we have a Depression site that has lots of info you might find useful. Click here It's actually written by a psychotherapist and might even be good for your husband to look at , too.

I made an appointment today with a counselor for Monday. Husband was all for it but now he doesn't think it will help since she doesn't really know us. I told him I would like for him to go but if he didn't I was still going. I will let you know if he goes or not.

We talked a little more today. He plans on moving out next week. He said it is still for some peace and quiet. He said he would be happy with a computer (he hosts game servers) and a television. He said he just needs quality time with himself.

He told me he feels the family is too dependent on him. When the kids wants something they always ask him. If he tells them to ask me they usually won't. He has always been the easy one when it comes to them getting things or going places.

He wants things to change in our relationship. He said he doesn't feel like we are affectionate to each other like we was at the beginning of the relationship. He said he has felt that way for a few years now. He wants to put a spark back into our marriage. He wants us to date each other while he is gone. Go out to eat, dancing, movies, etc. Plus we will still each other six days a week at work.

When he comes back he doesn't want the kids to come to him for everything. He wants them to come to us equally. He also wants us to do more things as a family.

What would you make of all this? Thanks in advace for all the helpful information you have given me so far. It has really helped.

Bella I am going to check out that link. Right now I will read anything that can help.

Thanks,
Leigh

Hi, Leigh.

It sounds like your husband is feeling overwhelmed at this moment. It also sounds like he is not sure if he wants to move out just yet and he is just preparing you incase he does. Now as for sharing responsibility of the children. Do the children always go to him first or does he just feel that way?

I hope to God he goes to the counseling session with you, please let him know, the counselor's job isn't to get to know you as so much it is for you both to get to know each other again. The counselor's main purpose is to open true diaglog between you both, making you feel comfortable and supportive.

Counseling, both individually and together with my wife, once, has open my eyes to a lot of my own issues and conflicts as well as in my relationship.

Eddie the kids do go to him first. He worked out of state for about 10 years. Sometimes he would be gone a month, come home for 24 hours, and leave again. Sometimes he was gone only for two weeks, come home for a few days, and then leave. The kids always came to me for everything. I didn't work so I was here 24/7. About six years ago he gave up that job to be home. The kids slowly started going to him for things and then eventually it was mainly him. Especially since I worked at three jobs when he gave up his job. For the last few weeks if the kids call him at work for something he would tell them to call me. He is shuffling it all back to me. He told me yesterday I might not be able to completely handle the kids when he is gone since they might not come to me for advice,etc.

I found out yesterday he has talked to his mom and my 19 year old son about him leaving for awhile. I found out today a male friend of ours knows. The male friend also told me that he is really planning on moving out next week.

Eddie it is what is going to happen next that is keeping me on edge. I guess we all are going to just have to take it one day at a time.

Take care,
Leigh

Yesterday my husband said he found an apartment to stay in and it would be ready the beginning of next week. Today he said he wasn't going to get the apartment because it required a year lease. It seems like that would of been one of the questions you would of asked when you first talked to the landlord. At times I am wondering if he is changing his mind about moving out and other times I think he is determined to go.

I was wondering if some of you could help me on this. One of the things my husband has discussed is us dating again. I guess he wants it to be like it was when we first met. I know this may sound stupid but how do you act on a date? If you are acting like there wasn't a past what do you talk about? I haven't dated like that in about 18 years or so. Also, how do you flirt? These are some stupid questions but I'm rusty on all of this.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Once again he has found an apartment to stay in. This one doesn't require a lease. I don't know where it's at and I still don't know when he is planning on leaving.

Last night before going to bed I told him I was worried about him taking a "break". He told me he has his doubts about the "break". I didn't ask him to explain. I don't know if I was just too tired or didn't actually comprehend at the time what he actual said. Maybe I should have because that could mean a wide range of things. He did say this break was not for him to go out on dates or go looking for females. He told me it was just for him to get a little piece and quiet. He said his nerves are shot and is hoping this time away will help.

In a way I dread him leaving but in other ways I'm ready for it to happen. I think I have come to the conclusion that I could actually use a break from him too. I have already started making plans of things to do when he leaves. Some of the things is for me. Counseling, house cleaning without him being in the way, reading, having the whole bed to myself, exercising, etc. Some of the things are for my kids. Spending time with them, actually talking to them, counseling for them, going places with just us girls, etc. I'm not sure if this is considered a normal approach but at least I don't feel like I am going out of my mind.

I still have hopes that our marriage will work out but I feel I will not really know till he takes his break from us.

Have a great weekend,
Leigh A

Hello Leigh I was reading your posts and I don't have any advice per se. Lord know I'm not qualified for that. I'm just adding my thoughts ok? Communicating on a computer is new to me so I want to make sure I don't offend you or anyone else.

I think most parents or anyone else for that matter feel overwhelmed from time to time and would love to just ignore things or walk away. I would love to do that myself right about now but wouldn't dare because it's an obligation/responsibility I took on the day I decided to become a parent. As far as your husband's 'break' there's 2 thoughts I'd like to share with you. One, my husband took a break once - lasted 1 week and honestly it was one of the few weeks our home ran smooth as silk. That taught me a little something about my own situation. I was quite surprised because I had assumed the worse. And second, I'm kinda old fashioned as the saying goes and I've always been puzzled on how 2 people can work out problems when they are separate and apart. If your husband had a problem at work would he take of leave of absence? I doubt it.

I sure hope you get things worked out and hopefully you can convince him to attend counseling with you. Best wishes.

<img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />hellloooooo sista I couldn't agree with you more!!! I have two children that i gave birth too....one that I married. I have a son and I am trying so hard to teach him to be self sufficient and also helpful to others. It all boils down to respect.

Leigh,
Straightforward and to the point,( please excuse me if it sounds harsh, I give seminars on relationships and one of the topics is self esteem in marriages.) You must love yourself enough, more even than your children at this time, and ask the main question-do I really want to be treated this way? Don't I deserve better? The man who married you is not the same man today.
Leigh, what he is doing is called emotional abuse. Please seek help from a woman's group. Life is precious and you will never get these years back.
Please keep writing in this forum and please value yourself.

Kristen what you posted about me being treated this way is kinda ironic. Saturday morning I had a talk to him about that very subject. I asked him when he was planning on leaving and he told me the apartment should be ready the beginning of the week. That has been his answer ever time I have asked. This time I told him I needed him to leave. I let him know he had finally proven his point because NOW I needed a break from him. I told him I didn't deserve to feel distant in my own home, feel like I am walking on egg shells, and I shouldn't feel hurt all the time when I can't see where I have done anything wrong. He told me I am now feeling the way he has in a long time. I told him that was his fault not mine because if he felt that way he should of said something then. I told him I was tired of waking up in the morning wondering if he is still here or has he moved out. I told him I am not going to be treated this way any more and I am actually ready for my time alone. He was taken aback and didn't have really anything to say. I guess the shoe is on the other foot now.

Yesterday was one of the ladies at work anniversary. They asked each of us if we was still going to go. I had told them he hadn't said one way or another. They convinced me to go even if he didn't go. (They don't know about the problems we are having) I finally told them I was going regardless if he went or not. He ended up going. We rode together, talked about other things then just the kids or us, laughed, danced, etc. We had a really good time. He was very loving to me on the way to the club, at the club, and at home. He was like his old self.

Today at work he made time to come by my station a few times to chat or just smile when he walked by. It was like old times. He wasn't ignoring me and that made my day a whole lot better.

I don't know if our talk Saturday morning has opened his eyes or not. Tomorrow is the beginning of the week so we will see what he is going to do. I just know I am not going back to the way he was treating me. If I have to pack his bags for him I will. I have been through a divorce before and it hurts. I don't want to go through that again but if it happens I know I can handle it. I'm strong and I am not going to let him destroy me.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. It really helps to get other peoples views because it helps you get the star dust out of your eyes to see the whole picture.

Thanks,
Leigh A

It has been six days since he has mentioned the apartment. The beginning of the week has come and gone. He is still here but I still don't know what he is attending to do.

Monday he went camping with a friend. They had planned on going fishing Tuesday morning. The first place they was going to camp out at ended up being a mess. My husband called to tell me where they was moving to. I thought it was nice but I didn't plan to go checking up on him. The other guys wife started calling him at 10 PM and kept calling back every few minutes. She was accussing him of sleeping around and cussing him out. By 11:30 the other guy told my husband he had to go home. My husband came back saying he enjoyed his break and realized he didn't have it that bad. He has been different every since then.

I don't know if that incident has changed his mind or what. I'm planning on waiting a few more days and ask him what his plans are. I may not wait that long though because I really need to know.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Boy this is scary stuff for you isn't it. Well I am here to tell you that there, there, its going to be o.k. and if I could I would give you a tight hug and tell you that I love you and its probably not anything to blame yourself over. Since you can't keep a person against thier will you have to turn him loose. I know you love him and remembering this, let him find a way to discover the answers to his questions. I think he should give you more insight to his problem so that you can maintain your friendship. He may not know what is going on inside his mind right now. Some people live a long time and it seems they wake up in the middle of their life feeling frightened, uncomfortable and wondering where the time went or what they did with it. Men have a way of stuffing feelings in a big box in the back of the closet, which is a comfounded, pack ratted mess to begin with, and then all of a sudden its like someone yells "Its time to clean up some of this mess and see what you got."
Its a lot of sorting by this time and he doesn't know how or where to start. Give him some credit, I'll bet he loves you and your kids alot, and would never want you to permanently disappear. 18 years is a long time to end your friendship.
If this is to be endured you need to live your life too. If you enjoy the kids, get into them, I love taking my 16 year old and a few of his friends to the movies. Its a scream, their twisted sense of humor and their take on life , love etc. is a real treat and they keep me in stitches. If your into crafts, I recently started woodburning, glass engraving, get deeper into them. If your into beauty, try to loose weight if obese, get into yourself. If you need people, I find being around old codgers great, they are full of funny stories, maybe you could write a story full of funny stories old codgers from a nursing home come up. Hey, that is a great idea, interview them and hear about good ole memories and thier humorous adventures, title the book "To Much To Remember", or "Fish Stories" and publish it. Oh well, lots of good stuff to do. Good luck sweetie and know it will get better if you let it.

Leigh, we haven't heard from you in awhile and I was just wondering how things were going? I hope and pray that everything is okay with you and your daughters and you are enjoying some fun things with them.

Let us know how you are. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Trish

It's one thing to have ambivalent feelings about a marriage, but it's very telling that he wants to walk away from the children, as well! Needing a break, as in a holiday, is something we all understand. But your children are not old enough to rear themselves. What if you felt the same way and you both abandoned your girls?

There are some responsiblities one cannot just abandon without severe consequences. It sounds like there are some major difficulties and issues in your family, and with all due respect, I'd highly advise you to get counseling, if not for yourselves, for the sake of your children. Breaking up a family home is a very major event in a child's life.

Sorry for disappearing. In May everything seemed to be going great. He was loving, joked around, we did things with the kids and even went out about four times without them. The house was pleasant again and it wasn't like walking on egg shells.

Then in July it was going back to the way it was. He didn't say "I love you" unless I said it first. There was no hugs, kisses, etc. unless I was the one doing it. About the second week in July I told him I had enough. I stayed away for a month. The whole time I was gone he didn't go out with his friends or anything. The day, August 16, I moved back in he moved out. He said he hasn't had enough time to sort things out. He still comes and see the kids and takes them places. He doesn't want a legal seperation. He said he is still in love with me and he doesn't want to be with anybody else.

I finally got him to admit some of the problem. He feels I did too much argueing over everything. Now that I look back I have to admit that I did. I found out for years his friends would ask him to go fishing, play golf, etc but he wouldn't go because he thought I would complain. When he sees my name on his cellphone he thinks I am calling to complain about something. If I tell him I want to talk he feels like I am going to argue over something. He told me he gets this feeling inside like he is in trouble. At times it gets so bad he takes Rolaids. This is a man that thinks he has to do everything his mom tells him to do. He is getting out of that. He now feels like I am the mom getting on to him like a child. He doesn't get this feeling with anybody but me. He is hopeing that some time apart will get him over this emotional feeling. I have been trying to watch what I say to him and the way I say it to him.

He feels he needs space and time. He doesn't know how long he needs. I have already seen some improvements. The last few days he has waited for me after work to walk me to my car. Yesterday I went to get a tire fixed and he showed up to make sure everything was okay. He is even joking around again. I feel I can give him time as long as I see some improvements but if it stops then I think it might be time to move on.

Thanks for all the posts. I really appreciate it.

LeighA

Welcome back, Leigh!! I am glad to see that you have done some things to help yourself and your children.

Have you mentioned counseling to your husband? It might be of benefit to you both. You must go into it with the agreement that no one will be accusing or complaining, only stating feelings.

Stay with us Leigh, we are all here to help. WE listen and we don't judge.

Post deleted by LeighA

Most men are very hesitant to go for counseling. Like anything else, though, it will only work if he wants to change his life.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Yes, your girls do need you, but "you need you" too.You need to make yourself strong and you need to like who you are.

We all want to help people we love, but you have to help yourself first, BEFORE, you're well enough to help anyone else.

Keep posting, Leigh. "We listen and we don't judge." [color:"blue"]

Thanks for the great advice Kristen. I have been doing a few things for myself. I have slowly been buying a new dressier wardrobe. I'm usually a blue jeans and tshirt girl. I had my haircolored and have lost nine pounds in a little over six weeks. He hasn't said too much about it but alot of his male friends have mentioned it to him. I'm not doing this for him. I am doing this for me. I have more confidence in myself now.

He is staying in an apartment right now. I'm not sure how long he plans on staying there. He moved in yesterday. He has a couch, bed and his computer. My oldest child asked him if he needed a coffee table and night stand. He told her no that he doesn't plan on staying there long. I know that could mean many things so I'm not going to get my hopes up yet. I know he has a rent trailer that will be available in a week or two so he might be planning on staying in it.

He isn't running away from his responsibilities as a father. When he left I thought he might ignore them but he has surprised me so far. He took our youngest to buy shoes for pep squad Thursday night. Saturday we had a meeting at our other daughter's school and he met us there. Tonight he came to the house to get his computer desk. The girls had went to bed but was still awake. He went and gave them a good night kiss.

I trust him and don't feel there is anybody else. One time I told him this would be easier if he told me he didn't love me. He told me that would be lying. Another time I told him I was confused over all this. That if there was somebody else it would at least be something I could understand. He told me that wasn't the case. I have to admit when I was gone I would come by the house different hours of the night and he was always here. I also drove by his apartment to see if he had a guest and he was alone. I know I should trust him more but I don't want to be strung along if there was somebody else. Is checking up on him wrong?

I plan on giving him the time he needs. I just hope I have the patience to give it to him. Something I forgot to mention was his younger brother committed suicide a few weeks ago. During that time I did come home to stay with him. I told him I wasn't here to pressure him but was here as a friend. He still hasn't really coped with that either. He holds everything in which is what caused the problems in our marriage. I just don't think I should try to rush him at this time since I think he probably needs the time to deal with his loss too.

Thanks,
LeighA

Leigh,
You are a brave woman and I admire you. Please celebrate your achievements like the small changes you have made for yourself.

You are so right in doing things for you alone. I counsel women with weight problems and I had one woman who lost over 80 pounds for her husband. She thought that once he saw how much better she looked he would treat her better. Didn't work and she has gained back over 54 pounds.

Your husband needs to work through some really tough issues. You can only be there for him but you can not allow yourself to sacrifice your own needs in doing so.

Things we do for ourselves have lasting effects, whether they are good things (weight loss) or bad thngs (drugs).

Self-love is not self-ish.

[color:"blue"] [/color]

Leigh,
I'm sure your husband still loves you. He just finds it hard to 'be himself' around you for some reason.
I hope you guys can work it out; you both seem like very good people.

My parents had a similar relationship to yours, and my dad still loves my mum even though he was the one who left the relationship.

Last night he picked the girls up so they can see his apartment. The youngest is planning on spending the night with him Saturday.

Tonight he came by the house to grab some computer parts. We had another little talk. I asked him if he didn't feel all this time apart was tearing us apart. He told me he didn't feel that way. He actually thinks this time apart is going to be good for the marriage. I told him I wasn't feeling the same way. I explained to him I have been doing things by myself such as: getting the car inspected, taking the kids to/from school, taking the car for a checkup, getting a tire fixed, etc. I let him know I can do things on my own and it wasn't going to hurt me. I feel this time apart is making it worse on us as a couple. I actually told him there was a good chance it would help him and he will want to come back. I let him know that it may be reverse for me. By October I might not want to try anymore. He seemed surprised by that. I know I love him but I don't feel as deeply in love as I was before. Is this natural?

LeighA

Is the work life bothering him?
Most men do not confess that they have problem at work, but the problems at work are always reflected in their behavior at home.

You say you don't feel as deeply in love as before-yes that is very natural. You are hurt and you have been forced to become independent, doing things he normally would do.

If you do decide to get back together, it will be a different type of relationship for you. He will have to deal with that. You will have matured and grown. He should be aware that he will be coming back to a different woman.

I might of did the wrong thing yesterday but I'm tired of the situation. I thought about this for days before telling him. I explained the situation this way to him. I told him it is like when a child gets their first pet. You bring it home and your excited to have something of your own. You hug on it, pet it, play with it, sleep with it, water and feed it. You give the pet lots of attention at first. The pet becomes very loyal to you. After a while you stop taking it outside to play. A little later you stop petting it when you come home. Then you get too busy for the hugs and thinks the pet is getting too big to sleep with. One day you forget to water and feed the pet. All this time the pet has little by little been mopeing in the corner. One day the pet gets a chance to get outside and it runs away. The pet had lots of love once and knows it has to be out there so it goes searching for it. I told him I was kinda like that pet. I was tired of mopeing in the corner. I told him if he files the papers I will sign them. My heart wants to stay with him but my brain is telling me it is time to move on. He still claims that isn't what he is wanting but then again he doesn't know what he wants.

I hope I did the right think. I actually slept through the night.

Leigh A

Leigh,
I don't think you did the wrong thing by speaking about how you feel and the analogy about the dog. THese are your feelings and very well put.

Your heart wants to stay with him because he is all you know right now and, from what you have written is a good father. It is hard to move on.

If you both are willing to work on your marriage and allow each other to grow separately as well as together, you may come out of this with a brand new relationship that is stronger and healthier.

I still feel he needs to see a counselor because of what you have written.

You must remember that you need to be a person too, that you have feelings, and that you count.

Be strong for yourself and know that things will get better.

I think he is overloaded. He has quite a few jobs. He works as a manager at his job, works on computers, has online game servers, online teamspeak servers and is into real estate. He is so busy with work it's almost like having to make an appointment to go out together.

Leigh A

I went to his apartment after work to discuss things. He once again told me he doesn't want a divorce that he just needed some space to find himself. I explained that there was two things I wanted him to think about. One is if I gave him time till the end of September what does he really think it will accomplish. The second is if he didn't think anything was going to change in that time then we will need to move on and get a legal seperation. I told him we will discuss those two subject's on Saturday.

Tonight he came by the house for about 30 mins. I think he is making up reason's to come by. I don't know if he is getting bored or just lonely. In the last four days he has came by mulitple times. One time was to get his computer desk, next time was a chester drawer, two different times was for computer parts, once for computer wire, another was to get the tags off the extra vehicles, and today was a DVD player. Some days he has come by twice and some has been three times.

My female friends decided I needed a break so we are going out tonight.

Thanks,
Leigh A

I have been doing research online for books on mending relationships. I am wanting a book that I can read but one that he can also read. I'm not interested in a book for just women or just men but one for both of us to learn from. I feel he will at least put an effort in reading it. Any suggestions?

I know he is trying to figure things out. He has been reading about panic and anxiety attacks. He has ruled those out. I really think it is a type of depression. Friends and some family members (including our two oldest) thinks it is depression. They didn't come to this conclusion by what I said but by the way he is acting. I believe he thinks so also but is scared to admit it. Friends have told me men feel it is a sign of weakness if they are classified as having depression. Is this true? If so, how do I get him to seek professional help? I have read that a person that is depressed will not get over it on their own.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Hi Leigh A...
I am new to the boards and only wish you the best in your situation. The one thing I have noticed.. everything seems to be about 'him' and what 'he' needs or wants. I think you're doing the right thing in trying to concentrate on YOU. Decide what YOU need to be happy... how do YOU want to be treated... are YOU willing to wait it out when he decides what he wants. Whatever you do, I hope you get all the good things in life that you deserve! TAKE CARE!

Hi. The break he is taking is just for him. He is a kind man. He has been working since he was 16. At that time he helped his mom with her bills even though he didn't live with her. I remember when we first started seeing each other he helped buy her a car. I have two children from a previous marriage so when we married he had a ready made family. He treats my two as his very own. He is the type that will help friends move, pull over if he see's someone broke down, and fix anything he can for you. He always gives but never asks for anything in return. I think he is needing this time because he feels he has to do everything for everybody and never really takes the time for himself. I have never wanted for anything. He told me a few days ago he feels like he is property instead of a husband. Now that he has taken this break it has opened my eyes. I have always gotten my way on everything. I think I gave him the impression that what I say goes. I believe he deserves this time since I have took him for granted.

I have been doing more things with my girls. I am getting a better relationship with my son. I talk more with my children than I did before. So I have to say some good is coming out of this.

As for me I have been working on somethings. I use to get upset very easily and before you know it I would be yelling. I am learning to use my inside voice :c) at all times. In six weeks I yelled only one time. My son decided three of his friends (a boy and two girls) was going to stay the night in our camper. I wouldn't allow it and he got mad. I have lost some weight. I think it is more our of stress than anything. I have started taking some stress vitamins a few days ago. I'm thinking about starting a walking programs with the girls. I have also been reading about relationships.

I really do love my husband and I hope it isn't too late for us. I have learned from this break that if it doesn't work it is going to hurt but I will survive.

Thanks for the post and I hope you are having a wonderful day.

Leigh A

Leigh, I am SO proud of the changes that you have been able to accomplish, both for your family and for yourself. It is truly amazing to use this time for introspection on YOUR behavior and interaction with your husband and children and realize some changes need to be made. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolling.gif" alt="" />

It is very obvious that you want your marriage to work and I am certain that your husband can sense the changes that you are making and very appreciative, supportive and loving of everything that you are doing. Continue to give him some space, love and support and before long I think your relationship will be stronger than ever! <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Your husband sounds like a really wonderful man and you and your girls are very lucky to have him! He is very lucky to such a wonderful, loving family like ya'll, too! It is so important to always remember and be grateful for our treasures. Give thanks for family and not take them for granted. That is the best way to ensure life long happiness! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We are on our way to 30 years, and it has truly been a learning experience.

Continued best wishes, keep up the good work and God bless and strengthen you and your husband and family! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

Leigh,
I echo Babyquacker on this. I am proud of you and I think that this break may actually work. Remember though, you will both be different but that can be a good thing.

You grow in marriage, sometimes at the same time, sometimes not. Sometimes you have to be forced to grow by circumstances as you are doing.

This period of self reflection can be a positive one. Keep working on yourself and celebrate what you achieve.

Thanks Trish and Kristen. I'm really trying to give him the space. Every three days or so I get so frustrated. Then I will be okay for another few days. He says the time apart is helping but I often wonder how. Am I wrong to think it takes two to work this out? Shouldn't we be trying to do things together? He keeps saying it isn't me it's him. I know some of it has to be me or this wouldn't be happening. I have asked him to go out to dinner, movie, etc but he won't do it. He won't even go out with his friends so I don't push it. When we see each other we don't hug, no kisses on the cheek, etc. There's no affectionate contact at all. I just feel without any of that we are going to drift futher apart.

My 15 year old told me last night she doesn't want us to get a divorce but she is wanting him to make a decision. She believes he has had enough time to make a choice. Remember he started this back in March. We haven't been living together in six weeks. I told her right now he most likely thinks he doesn't have to make a choice till the end of September or beginning of October. That is when somebody is suppose to be renting the apartment he is staying in. I am taking it day by day but I am not sure if I can wait that long for him to decide. I'm trying not to make my rush decision before then but each day it gets harder.

One thing I have decided to do is write him a letter letting him know how much we appreciate him. I get the feeling he believes we don't appreciate the things he has done in our life.

Have to go pick the girls up from school. Hope everybody is having a great day.

Leigh A

Leigh,
Reading your last post, I get the feeling that there is more here than meets the eye. Something is not right. No kiss on the cheek? Acquaintances kiss on the cheek!

I have gone to some of my 'experts' on this one, namely my husband, father, and step-brother,all professional men with good insight into problems, for a man's point of view. All three of them agree that it seems as if he wants a permanent break, that he wants out of married life.

As for my opinion, I have stated that I think you will change dramatically and that he needs counseling with or without you.He is being manipulative by not letting you know what is going to happen.

He is controlling the situation right now because he has you in a "holding pattern" waiting for his decision on your marriage and your life. I would not be able to deal with uncertainty and I would push the envelope, so to speak.

My suggestion is that you take some legal action, e.g., file for a legal separation. This gives you some rights financially for your children and possibly yourself.

Reality is that you cannot go on like this. You must act in some way. Please don't let precious time pass while he plays the "waiting game." It isn't fair to you.

As for your children, they'll survive a separation or divorce. Very few children want their parents divorced.Children grow up and if you've lived your life for them and what they want, you will have nothing left for yourself!

From March to now is way too much time to be living in limbo.Do something positive!

I want to confront him about what he wants to do. I don't want it to be a rush in rush out discussion. Right now with my schedule that would be what it would be. I don't want to do it on the phone or over the computer. I want to do it face to face. I really don't have the time for an open discussion with him until next week. Kids have me extremely busy with school party's, pep-squad practice, choir, and football games. Also, work is an overload right now since they have let some workers go.

I'm planning on talking to him Tuesday since we are both suppose to be off work that day. My sister told me I should give him two more weeks. She said I was gone for one month that I should be fair and give him a month alone too. She told me he would probably bring that up too. Something like you had a month to think why can't I? I don't see fair in this so I probably won't wait that long.

As for the no affection attitude I'm with your "experts" on that. I just can't see where it would hurt to give a kiss on the cheek. I have asked him about this a few weeks ago. He told me he just doesn't want to be touched by anybody. He said he feels closed in when people get too close to him. Family and close friends have commented about this to me. If they walk up to him and they get too close to him he will take a step back. It's like he needs space from everybody. I don't know what to make of it.

At first, I thought it was signs of depression. One minute he is sad the next he seems happy, won't do things with friends, lack of energy, sleeping more than usual, mood swings and diminished sex. He use to joke with everybody and he doesn't do that. He use to be out going but now he just locks himself up in the apartment most of the time. I've tried to get him to see a proffessional but he tells me depression is for wimps.

I stay stressed out. I'm stressed over the relationship but I'm more worried about him.

Leigh A

Hi, Leigh,

Depression is a physical problem--it's not a "mental" thing that one can "control". It is a lack of certain brain chemicals--usually serontonin--that regulate moods and feelings. (PMS is caused by the same thing, and is usually medicated the same way.)

So, essentially, depression is like diabetes or poor thyroid or any other disease where your body doesn't work normally. And, there are medications that help, just like insulin helps a diabetic and thyroid hormones help those with thyroid problems. If his stomach made too much acid, he'd probably take antacids, right? It's the same principle.

And, if he had symptoms of diabietes, you would probably not stand by while he said it was for "wimps". You'd insist he see a doctor. A medical doctor. Psychiatrists are still good for helping people with depression and talk therapy is great, but for many people, the medicine fixes things in a matter of weeks.

Good luck to both of you.

Leigh,

My mother suffered from depression but no one thought she did because she was like your husband-happy, then nervous and agitated, but able to function well. She was an accountant. As a teenager I was surprised when the doctor told us it was depression. I thought depression was very different than what I was seeing in her.

Ask your husband what he would do if one of your children felt like he does. Wouldn't he take them for some help?
He needs help too. Do not take that to mean that you should just focus on him. You need to think about your well-being as well.

My prayers and good thoughts are with you both. Stay strong and don't give up. WE're always here in the Marriage forum for you.

My husband agrees he is depressed but doesn't believe it is that much of a big deal. He keeps saying there is more to it. My oldest daughter wants to get the kids together and have a talk with him. I told her she could try but I don't think it would work.

Thursday my husband told me he has been thinking about divorce the last five days or so. He said he loves me, wants to protect me and actually wants to take care of me. He said the problem is he doesn't feel a strong caring feeling towards me. He thought with him being gone he would start missing me but hasn't. The thing I don't understand is the last few days he has started changing. Two days ago complained about a male married friend of ours that we have know for about two years. Now if the guy talks to me at work he thinks the guy is flirting with me. He even told me the guy is always watching my behind when I walk by. Why all of a sudden is he thinking this way? Why all of a sudden is he observing what I am doing? Last night when I was talking to the security guard he came up to us. I didn't think much about it since the security guards have to walk him out because of the money he carries. He said bye which I thought he was saying to her to let her know he was going out the door. I got to my car and he walked beside my car to tell me he was telling me bye. This morning I was sitting in my car before work. I was on the cellphone talking to my sister so I had the windows rolled down. He came by and stuck his hand in to wave hello to me. Why all of a sudden is he making a point to tell me hi and bye? I'm getting confused again.

I have bought a book called "Divorce Busting". It seems like a good book so far. It is a book with a step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again. It also shares insights on how to cope if you end up getting a divorce. Has anybody read this book and tried the methods outlined in it?

Leigh A

His behavior is erractic and a little uncomfortable. I would do two things.
1. Do have your oldest daughter and the other children talk to him. They make get him to open up more than you can.
2. Prepare yourself for the worse, (separation and divorce) and focus on the best, (getting back together and having a new start).

Leigh, this is not good for you or your children. Either he wants to be with you and the kids or he doesn't. Either way he must make serious choices that will affect his life and yours.

Leigh, the book you are reading sounds like a really good idea! It seems like your husband is a little jealous of other men showing you attention and you returning their looks. Maybe you should try to flirt with your husband a little: smile and whisper "hello" as you pass him; smile, bat your eyes and walk by and touch his arm as you say goodbye; remember what I said earlier about acting like the "new girl" in town?

I agree with Kristen about letting the girls talk to him about what he wants. Kids have a great way of just saying the truth. Have you seen the t.v. commercial where the mother is looking at the floor and the little boy walks in and asks her, "what's wrong, mom?" She says, "I think I want a new floor but I don't know how to tell your dad". He stops for a few seconds, looks upstairs and hollers, "dad, mom wants a new floor".

Sometimes kids can make things seem so much more simple. Bless you, Leigh and keep your chin up.

Trish

I actually bought a couple of new books a few days ago. One for me about flirting and the other one for him about marriage. I realized the book I am reading is so indept that he probably would put it down after the first few pages. He isn't a reader. The book I got for him is called Making Marriage Work for Dummies. It's a hands-on guide that is bigger print and smaller chapters. A few of the things in this book that caught my eye is a discussion on depression and mid-life crisis. When I gave it to him he asked me if I really thought he would read all of that. The book has a little over 300 pages. I told him I didn't expect him to read everything but I thought he would read at least the main things involving us. I told him if he wasn't going to read it I would take it back. He told me he would look through it and give it a try.

Today was my youngest daughters football game. She is in pep-squad. He called me to see what time the game starts. He actually came to the game. He was going to get something to eat from concession and asked if I wanted anything. I told him I was going to take the girls out to eat Chinese after the game. He said that sounded good and he would wait to eat. I had to come home first. Before leaving to go out to eat he called wanting to know where I was. He told me he was already at the Chinese place waiting on us. When we got there he had already order our drinks and at the end he paid the whole ticket.

All this is surprising to me. I can't recall him every going to a football game with me. Usually one of us would take the kids to the game. We haven't went out to eat in about two month's now. He was in a extremely happy mood which he really hasn't been in lately. The whole family enjoyed themselves tonight.

Leigh A

Sorry to hear there is so much 'up and down' - I am sure it is terribly confusing. While we as strangers on the internet can't pretend to know how you are feeling, I think the best thing would be to get to a counselor. Even if your husband doesn't want to go, I think it would be important for yourself. Also, your kids are probably having a rough time figuring out where they fit into this limbo... maybe they would feel better talking to someone professional? Just a thought. I really hope this all works out well for you and your family. Hang in there!

Today he told me he had the best two days in a long time. Tuesday we went to the football game and out to eat with the kids. Last night we drove around some. The last few days I have given him a kiss on the cheek when I leave. Today he surprised me because when I went to kiss him on the cheek he turned to kiss me on the lips. He laughed about it and said he snuck that one in.

Right now he isn't ready to come home but I don't want to push the issue. I feel if I push it that I will push him right out of my life for good. I love him and want to do whatever I can to bring us together again. The last few days he seems to be in a better mood and more easy going.

I am looking into a family counselor for the girls and me.

Thanks so much for all the great advice.

Thank you,
Leigh A

Leigh-you are a truly amazing woman! Bless you for your great heart and the love you have for your man! <img src="/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending positive energy your way. I do think the counselor is the best for you and the girls.

You are doing a great job keeping your attitude and spirits so positive, Leigh! Good for YOU! The love that you and your husband are starting to gently rekindle through your joint interests, is so sweet and exciting. It is wonderful to see a husband and wife enjoying family activities together again! Sometimes we just need to be reminded of what we have and how easy we can lose it to start to appreciating things again.

Good for you, Leigh! Keep up the good work and keep the faith! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My prayers and thoughts are with you for continued success! God bless you.

Trish

I had a great weekend. Actually, all week was pretty good. Saturday he had planned on taking our two daughters camping. On his way to pick the girls up it started to rain so he called them and told them they would do something else. When he came over I was on the porch reading. He told me he was going to take the girls out to eat and to the movies. He then asked me what I was going to do. I told him I would probably just relax at home and read. He then asked me if I wanted to go with them. I was on cloud nine that he included me in his plans. We all had alot of fun. After the movies he brought us home. Later we talked on the phone and he invited me over to his apartment. We had a great conversation talking about work, the kids, etc. We talked a little about our relationship but not much. He told me he is still wanting us to work things out and he hasn't seen a lawyer. He was very funny, loving, and really into our conversation. About a week ago I told him that I was willing to give him space but I had to see some progress. I know he still isn't ready to come home yet but I feel things are starting to improve.

People at work has even noticed a change in him in the last few days. Some of the workers he had pretty much stopped talking to and now he is talking to them again.

Thanks for all the wonderful advice.

Leigh A

This is GREAT news! It sounds so very positive and I'm glad to hear that he is becoming more like himself, funny and loving. Taking you along on the dinner and movie date with the girls was a really cool thing to do and spending time afterwards talking is really a big step forward!

Keep the faith, Leigh. Our thoughts and prayers are with you! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

Excellent news, Leigh! I am so glad for you. Take it slowly and one step at a time. This like "married dating."

He met us at the football game again last night. One of the police officers that works where we do was there. His son plays football. The guy was about four seats to the right of us with three empty seats between them. I actually thought he would of moved over some to talk to him but he never left my side. Even though we didn't do alot of talking that made me feel good.

Today he told me he thought he could run away from his problems but he realize he can't. He said regardless where he is at he is going to have to deal with them.

Leigh A

That's great. I'm glad things are going so well for the two of you. It sounds like he might want his wife and family back

Leigh, I am so glad that you and your husband are having these times together again. It is a great reminder of what you have and what you have been missing. Keep enjoying it and make sure to have fun! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He seems to want and need you and is glad to be back beside you, which is evidenced by the fact that he did not move from your side to get closer to talk to ya'lls friend. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Something at your house still bugs him, though, and I would just let it be and let him continue to live alone and work it out by himself until he is ready to talk to YOU about it. I got a distinct feeling that he was giving you a heartfelt insight into himself when he said "he thought he could run away from his problems but he realize he can't. He said regardless where he is at he is going to have to deal with them." Let him keep inviting ya'll out and showing up to family events.

Keep the faith and keep your chin up, Leigh. This is all going to work out in your favor in due time and your family will continue to heal and have more happy times. My thoughts and prayers are with you, take time to enjoy yourself and your husband, and God bless all of you. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

Today makes two month's since we have been living apart. It just seems like a very slow process. I feel today is one of the worst day's I have had since this has started. I didn't sleep much last night and I feel so drained today. I know I have to keep my chin up but some days seems so much harder than others.

Leigh A

Some days will be harder than others, Leigh, because change is always difficult. My dad used to tell me that anything good was worth waiting for so I guess that is the best thing I can say about this being a slow process. I'm sorry that this feels like one of the worst days since it all started, but try to remember how good you felt when your husband asked you to go to dinner and the movies and then back to his apartment to talk. Keep those happy pictures in your mind when the dark thoughts come around. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Smile alot and try to keep a happy song in your heart. <img src="/images/graemlins/music.gif" alt="" />

Our good thoughts and prayers are with you! Bless you! <img src="/images/graemlins/fish.gif" alt="" />

Trish

Hello everybody. There isn't alot going on with us right now. We are still living apart. We haven't really done anything together since Sept. 9th. We're still talking but nothing has changed. He is still wanting space and time. He told me the time is helping but I'm not completely sure in what way.

I have to admit when we was together I nagged and lost my temper alot. I nagged so much that at times I didn't realize I was doing it. I haven't actually nagged at him for a while now. The problem is if I bring up our relationship in a calm manner he thinks I am nagging. I haven't lost my temper for about two month's. He says people can't change that quick. I must admit at times I want to yell at him for the way he occassionally acts but I have held my tongue.

There are good days and bad days. I keep telling myself everything will work out in time. The problem I have is each day I keep thinking it has been long enough. I keep thinking if he doesn't want us together then I wish he would just say it is over so I can get on with my life without him. There are the days where I want to tell him myself that it's over. Those days I feel like he is just stringing me along and keeping me around as a safety net. Then there are the days where he is nice, loving, caring, and funny. Acting like his old self so I think just a little more time. I'm trying to be strong about it.

I keep praying for God to show me the way. It might not be the path I wanted but at least it will a path.

Leigh A

Leigh, I just read your "story"...I really don't have any advise but to make sure that you have time for yourself...seems like you make sure that everyone else is getting their needs met. I would be so frustrated at this point if I were you...you truly have a lot of patience! God bless you...

Leigh,
You've been through so much! Your husband has to realize that you have changed and even if it is only two months, change must begin somewhere and sometime. He is using that as an excuse.

I am going to give you some advice that you may not like to hear. I am going to tell you to get on with your own life, separate from his, and I'm also going to tell you that the next time he wants to "play" nice and take you out, don't be available.

He is having the best of both worlds and he knows it. He has his "space" and when he wants to be with you, he knows you'll be there for him.

You live your own life. Take care of yourself, make sure you always look good, get the rest you need, and exercise. You need your own space. Do you have good friends? Go out with them to a movie or shopping and let your husband watch the kids.Join a group.Find an interest, find your own space.

I feel strongly, that he is stringing you along.When you were so happy with the possibility of being back together, I thought for a second that maybe there was a chance but my instinct tells me that he is playing you.

This is way too long a time for this to still be going on.

Kristen I have been seriously thinking about calling it quits. I just want to make sure I tried 100% before doing so. I never want my kids to think I didn't try. He keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce so I don't want to hear down the road I didn't give him a chance. I have actually given myself a time limit. If he feels he can't come home by October 1st then I am going to tell him it's over.

Leigh A

Leigh,
Bless you!! You've been through hell. He needs to understand that if he wants to live separately, there are rules for that too. He is the one choosing this not you.

You are giving 200% my girl! Let him know that you are not just waiting for his whims, because that is what they are!

Be good to YOU. You deserve better.

Stay with us here, Leigh. We'll always help.

I think this is the wisest thing you could do. I give you much credit for having the courage to do what you feel is right for you and your children. Keep in mind it is very difficult for them to have to deal with all the unresolved issues your husband has on a continuing basis.

It is very definitely HEALTHY to set limits with him and let him know you are not giving him any more time to have this power over you. GOOD LUCK and best wishes.

Most of the time he seems confused. It's as if he doesn't know what to do at all.

He told me he felt like it had always been my way or the highway. He said he always let me have the say on things because he didn't want us to argue. He told me the last 10 years it was if I was the one that wore the pants and he bowed down. I had just assumed when I suggested things and he agreed that everything was okay. He now tells me he isn't going to bow down to anybody every again. So what I have gathered so far is each time I have asked him to come home it was like a demand to him. I guess that is why at times we seem to be doing real good and then a few days later he withdraws again.

He still stays mainly locked up in the apartment. In the two month's he has been there he hasn't told any of his friends where he lives. The only one's that know are the kids, his mom, and three of his sister's. He hasn't told his two brother's or his other two sister's. He told me he doesn't want anybody to know where he lives. He just wants to be left alone.

When I brought up divorce he was lost. He told me he doesn't understand why I am in a hurry to get a divorce. He keeps saying things are getting better it just takes time. I thought when I mentioned the divorce he would of agreed and be relieved. I didn't expect him to get emotional about it.

His confusion is now confusing me! I just don't know what to do now.

When it rains it pours. My 19 yr. old son tried to commit sucide last night. I had to have him committed. We was told it was because his girlfriend broke up with him. My oldest daughter told me tonight it also has alot to do with their dad. She told me he keeps telling her he wants his dad home. Out of all the kids he is the one that seemed to have the "it doesn't matter" attitude about the situation. I know if I tell my husband all this he wouldn't be able to handle it. He is still trying to get over his brother commiting sucide last month. He also feels he was part of the reason his brother did it.

Now what do I do?

Leigh A

The doctor's did an evaluation on my son yesterday. He has seen a counselor three times. As long as he guarantees he will keep his appointment's with the counselor they will let him out later today. I am going to have to give him most of my attention right now. I pray that God will see us through all this.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Leigh,
Your son needs you right now. That is your first priority, but you shouldn't have to handle this alone. His Dad needs to know about this. Your son could be seeing suicide as a way out because of his uncle's suicide. Kids and young adults copy the actions of others when they are in crisis.

You will fall apart if you go this alone. And, to be fair, this is your husband's child too. Would you want your husband to keep something like this a secret from you?

My prayers are with you and your children. Please stay with us.

God Bless you Leigh....I think you and your kids have been through the ringer...I wish I had some type of suggestion or some help for you.

My husband knows what happened to our son. He showed up right before he was taken to the hospital. At the hospital our son kept asking for his dad so they allowed him to stay with him for about four hours. My son and husband had a talk Monday night. My son is doing alot better.

My mother-in-law has been trying to talk to my husband. He is miserable all the time. She is very worried and is trying to keep an eye on him. Remember she lost her youngest son in August. She said he has told her he doesn't want a divorce nor has he been with anybody else. This was information she volunteered so I didn't ask her any questions. If his mom happens to be the only person he talks too I don't want him to lose that trust with her. She wants me to stand by him and give him time. There are days I know what to do and days that I don't.

Leigh A

Leigh,
You are in hard place right now. I said awhile ago that I felt your husband needed counseling and I still feel that he should seek some. It is not "unmanly" as some men believe but it is hard to change their perception of that view.

Your son may have been crying out for help and he felt that what he did was the only way to get it. Understand, no one, not you or your husband are at fault. No one is to blame.

You need counseling from someone, a clergyman/woman, or a professional counselor. Ask at the hospital for referrals. Some are on a sliding scale so it won't cost much.

Tell your mother-in-law that you strongly feel that your husband needs to talk to someone. Ask her help. She seems to be as concerned for you and your family as you are.

Time is what it will take, Leigh, to resolve this. I only caution you to think about yourself also and not just everyone else. Your husband may have more problems than you are willing to handle and accept. "For better or for worse"
has it's limitations and eventually you have to do what is the best for yourself. Self sacrifice takes it's toll in many ways; depression, anger, and physical health.

Stay as well as you can. Blessings and positive thoughts for you and your family

Leigh,
I have sat here and read your post from the first one on. I am also a mom and my children are my life. Children are a gift from god. He gives them to us to enjoy, love, cherish and nurture. Then they grow and are gone with families of their own. Right now all this that you and your husband are going through are putting stress on them also. Although they may not show it.
I know that you love your husband very much. I admire the way that you have stuck this out. The very thing that bothers me is that at this point its all about HIM when does what you want or need matter?
THis is the end of September and he has been putting you and the children through this since march. I know it takes two to make a marriage work believe me I know. With all the problems I am having. But there is a time to take up for yourself and what you want. I think you should sit him down and say ok this is what I want and hear him out on what he wants.
Don't take all the blame. I have read where you say that you complain or argue or fuss but that is life. We all do and maybe some more than we should but that is the stress of everyday real life and most of all having teenagers.
I know you don't want your children to think that you didn't try hard but when is it enough?
Its easy to get a divorce these days and so many people do. I hate it. They take the easy rode out instead of trying to stick it out. You have not done that. I admire you. I am concerned about you however because your trying to be that superwoman. Take care of you and your children right now. Your son needs you. Let your husband work out his problems because you have your own with no one to help. I am praying for you and your family. Hug your son. Tell him how much you love and cherish him. I know you'll get him the help he needs. God Bless you, your a wonderful wonderful person.

Leigh-how are you? We know you're terribly busy right now but we'd like to know that you're alright and that your son is too.

My son is doing alot better. He checks in with me a few times a day and sends text messages saying "I love you". He has been in better spirits and has told me he will not do anything like that ever again. A few nights ago he came in my room and gave me a hug then told me 'thank you mom for getting me some help". He used to call his dad alot just to talk but he doesn't do that much now. Instead, he calls me.

As for me nothing has really changed. We still see each other at work and he treats me with respect there. We took the kids to the fair Thursday night and it went pretty good. He took the two youngest girls fishing Saturday. They are enjoying their time with him.

My mother-in-law has been talking to him. I don't know exactly what is being said. She just tells me she doesn't think he knows what he wants. He keeps telling her he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want to come home either. I'm trying to decide what I really want out of the future.

Thanks for everyone's concern. I really appreciate all the posts. I think I would go insane if I didn't have this forum. God bless all of you!

Leigh A

Oh, Leigh, we all feel for you and I wish I could help you more!

I'm so glad your son is better. What a scare! Thank God, he talks to you and the hug thing, coming from a teen, is a good sign! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Leigh, right now take it easy before deciding what you want and need to do. You've been through a trauma with your son right at the same time your life was in upheaval. Tak everything slowly until you know your own mind.

Be well and know that we're all here for you anytime!

Hello. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

All of my children are doing great. My husband has been spending alot of time with all of us this past week. He has pretty much been to the house two to three times a day since last Saturday. We've been to the football games, out to eat, and rode together when my car was in the shop.

He has been in a good mood and has even been talking about our relationship on his own. He seems like his old self right now. Our friends have even noticed it.

I'm not sure what the future is going to hold but this past week has been alot better than the previous.

Take care,
Leigh A

Take it slow, Leigh and remember to make your needs and wants known also.Marriage is mutual respect and love.

All good thoughts to you and so glad your son is better!!

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I posted so I thought I would post an update.

Last week I asked him how are we suppose to work on our marriage if we don't spend quality time together without the kids. He told me he wasn't ready.

Tuesday I text him this "I can't see where we have really
accomplished anything in three months? What do you think we have accomplished?" His reply: "We are not doing anything." This really upsets me because I have been trying and he doesn't see it. I realized then I have been the only one working on trying to save the marriage.

We put my car in the shop yesterday for some minor repairs so we rode to work together. I asked him how are we going to make the marriage work if we aren't trying to do anything to resolve the issue's. His reply was we have burned too many bridges and it isn't going to work. So it
seems now we aren't going to get back together but he still doesn't want to get a divorce. I always thought when this day comes I would be going crazy. Even though I want to save my marriage I feel some relieve. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I guess it's been all the month's of wondering what is going to happen next.

My car was still in the shop this morning so he picked me up for work. He brought me breakfast this morning which he doesn't usually do. He even told me what he planned on doing for the rest of the day since it was his day off. He has called twice so far just to talk about things that didn't really need to be talked about. Don't understand why he keeps calling and is being so talkative about nothing.

His mom took me home from work. She told me all he keeps telling her is he wanted time to do the things he wanted to do in the past and that he doesn't want a divorce. She said even though he has moved out he still hasn't done anything he had wanted to do: fishing, camping, golf, or pool. I about fell out when she told me if that had been her she would of told him long time ago to "Poop or get off the pot". She also told me she knows there isn't anyone else in the picture.

I think he is still confused about me just agreeing that it's over. I didn't cry, scream, or beg when he told me. I just smiled and said that's fine. I really think he expected me to be an emotional wreak. I'm just going to let it ride it's course. If he decides later on to get back together he is going to have to prove himself to me. I am not going on that emotional rollercoaster ride again.

Right now I am doing for the kids and me. If you don't love yourself then who will?

Thanks for all the support.

Leigh A

Good for you, Leigh!! If he wants you back he has to prove himself as a man worthy of you!!

You are a strong woman who has been through, as you so bluntly put it, the emotional roller coaster and you do not need that ride again.

Work on creating a life apart from his and make it good for you and the kids. And, Leigh? Be "self"-ish as in loving yourself to the point where you want what is best for you, not someone else.

Blessing to you,

Kristen, I am doing pretty good right now. He has started opening up lately. He has now told me he still loves and cares for me. He told me he hates what this is doing to our relationship but he doesn't know any other way right now. He finally told me he feels like he has lost himself. He is wanting this time to work on himself. These are the things he told me today he needed to work on:

1. He used to be so easy going but now he feels like he doesn't have any patients at all. He said any little thing just makes him feel like lashing out at somebody. It can be a customer at work, an employee, his mom, me, etc. He just gets aggravated easily and that isn't how he use to be.

2. He use to be the guy at work that made all the customers and workers laugh. Now he barely talks to them. He feels miserable and doesn't feel like kidding around.

3. He use to like to do things. He still does with the kids but not anything with his friends. He said all he wants to do is sit in his apartment and be alone. He said he doesn't like that. He wants to be out going again.

He told me he misses the person he use to be and doesn't like the person he is now. In the past I have tried to get him to go get help but he wouldn't. After him telling me this today I'm thinking about having a talk with his mom or sister's.

I pray that God helps him find his way. He had always been a good husband before all of this. He was always kind hearted and never selfish. I'm lucky that he is still there for the children. He spends time through the week and weekend with them.

Thanks for the advice.

Leigh

I want to call your husband and tell him "WAAAAAA"...who does get to do everything they wanted to? That is life. Are you telling him what you want and need?? I would need a nice quiet room and a straight jacket by now if I were in this situation. You need to think of you and the kids. What do you want?? Do you have someone close to you that knows you and your hubby and situation that can offer advise? God bless you and your family Leigh....

Conniem, I have told him what I wanted multiple times. Right now we are ever sense of the word "seperated". That was pretty much my decision. He wants us to get back together but I can't go through the emotional rollercoaster again right now.

I have talked to his mom. She said she wouldn't of put up with this as long as I have. She knows he has alot of things to deal with but she doesn't think this is the right way to handle it. One of the things she mentioned I had forgotten about was in February he had his mom kick out his younger brother. The brother was stealing from their mom and pretty much bumming off her. He was heavily into drugs and alcohol. His mom also told me that the brother had called my husband in March needing a place to stay and my husband told him not to come back here. In one of my previous post I wrote that his brother committed sucide in the beginning of August. I had forgotten he had his mom kick him out and I didn't know about the phone call. If I now do a timeline on all this information it would go like this.

February - He had his brother kicked out.
March - His brother called for help and he refused.
March - He stated he needed space. Becomes depressed.
August - Brother commits sucide.
August - He moves out. Still depressed and stays alone all the time.
October - He is finally opening up to me. He hasn't mentioned his brother though.

He is the type of person that holds everything inside and isn't a person that talks about his emotions. I feel that there is some progress since he is finally starting to talk. It may be too late for us and I can now deal with that. When I first started these posts I don't think I could of handled it back then. I would love to have my marriage back but I know in reality we don't always get what we want. If we do reconcile in the future then that will be a bonus. I just hope he gets better for our kids sake.

I am not saying what he is doing is right. I'm just saying I have a little more insight of what is going on now and that is better than being in the dark.

Thanks for your encouraging words.

Leigh

I am sure that he is probably feeling horrible about his brother's death, but no one will know if staying at their mom's longer would have helped or just prolonged the inevitable. I do have experience living with someone that is addicted to drugs and it is a horrible situation. Tough love is just that...tough. And later you drive yourself crazy thinking what if?? I lost my best friend to meth. It was something he just couldn't stop doing.

I feel for you as it seems that you have a long wait ahead of you. You have got a lot of patience! I wish you well, Connie

Leigh, it is time to sit down and seriously think about what you really want.

Do you want to continue in this marriage limbo? If you do then you will have to accept what your husband is doing and live a half life.

Do you want a comfortable, emotionally healthy life for yourself and your children, with a chance for happiness?

If that is what you wnat then it is time for a final break.
Let him know that you've waited as long as you can for him to "find" himself and you are going ahead with your life without him. If you can't tell him to his face, because he will only tell you he just needs more time, then write a letter. Either way, once you've made the decision, stick to it.

He is out of your life and that leaves you free to become who you want to be and to make a better life for yourself.

I still maintain he needs counseling.
Good luck, Leigh. Keep us updated.